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Culling the Herd
It's been a busy couple of weeks. Aside from the important issue of making sure gas prices get raised all over this fabulous nation, we've also been hit by a hurricane which has caused a region-wide ecological disaster that will take years to recover from. I was mad about that to begin with, since there were hundreds of thousands of homes without ( Read more... ) -
A stroke of fortune.
The silly broad that was camping out on my front lawn finally left when her mother had an ill-timed stroke. Isn't that a laugh riot? It was sort of tough slipping the old vulture enough toxins to put her in that state. We must have hit her with enough drugs to keep Ted Kennedy pickled for life, but the bitch just wouldn't go down. Didn't help in ( Read more... ) -
Boom Today
It's been a little while since I've offered my greetings. But you will understand that Prime Minister Tony Blair and myself have been very busy fighting terror. After the bombings of the public transportation system in London two weeks ago (which was Blair's idea, not mine), the British government has begun to consider many new regulations to ( Read more... ) -
Assassassinashun
Since it's now declassified, I suppose it's okay to let you in on the assassination attempt to assassinate me eight months ago in the past ( Read more... ) -
Stop cloning around!
I hear that Korea has discovered a way to cure certain diseases by growing stem cells and putting them in people. This upsets me for several reasons.
1) Science is an affrontery to God®. In a theocracy like the United States, keeping people as ignorant as possible is necessary to maintain a powerful power base.
2) I am greatly concerned about a ( Read more... ) -
Super Soldiers
All of you commie mutant traitors will pay for your insolence. Even though the genetic prototypes of my super soldiers made in my own likeness were shot to death, they did mutilate one of you evil tree hugging bastards in a most amusing manner. I will soon unleash an army of these super soldiers in the accursed blue states. Beware! -
I believe the term is w00t!
I got a slime-mold beetle named after me! How many of my opponents can make that claim, huh? -
Monkeys in office? Not on my watch!
I was in the room when Dick Cheney's cherry-ass dyke daughter was watching an old film called "Bonzo Runs For President". I believe this movie is a slap in the face of all decent, hard-working Americans. To imagine that a monkey could run for president is completely ridiculous. And what would happen if he won? He would beat his chest and use the ( Read more... ) -
God's Justice
Well, the pope is dead. He opposed the invasion of Iraq, so naturally God decided he was a heretic and killed him outright. I went in person to make sure it wasn't some kind of pagan satanist catholic trick (along with two thin Secret Service men packing Thompsons under their coats). Let me assure you, my good Christian readers, that he is as dead ( Read more... ) -
God hates hangovers
Man, I am so hung over from last night's party. The last hooker just left in a bodybag a few minutes ago. It has been a wild time, and I wish more of you could have been there. Gonzalez crushed some jumping beans and snorted them off a mirror, then pissed in the punch. Laura beat him with a stick and then they went off somewhere -- I guess he was ( Read more... )