Here at the White House, my beer buddies and me are celebrating the second anniversary of our invasion of Iraq. Think about it. Two years of glorious Republican warfare and marketable patriotism. Two years of killing off non-white non-Christians. Two years of snuffing out ideals and societies that are different from our God-ordained mandate of ( Read more... )

I've been out on the road, promoting privatization of Social Security into personal accounts. It is what the people need, and the people need it. I was in Nebraska. I went to Omaha but I saw no cat dancers. Decent Americans everywhere are being misled by yiff-brains ( Read more... )

I've had one terrific evening and have had one Hell of a night partying with my rich friends in Washtington DC. The inaugural went as planned. By selling tickets only to supporters, I was able to keep those commie pinko freedom haters largely out of the media coverage of the motorcade and speech. Laura and I even got out of our custom Cadillac ( Read more... )

As you know, the new frontier of freedom, Iraq, will be holding its first democratic election later this month. We will demonstrate the true meaning of democracy by holding polls in which only a small percentage of the population can attend and the outcome will be only a guideline for the shape of government to come. We are also planning to keep ( Read more... )

As you have heard, we have officially called off the search for weapons of mass destruction in the country or Iraq. Iraq is a country. It has a lot of people. A lot of people can hide weapons of mass destruction in creative and terrible ways. That will be our official line ( Read more... )

As you have heard by now, God saw fit to bring in the new year by killing over 120,000 heathens in the area of Indonesia with tidal waves, earthquakes, and tsunamis. A lot of pagan sympathizers were unhappy with the initial $15 million I had promised for aid. What is the problem, I asked. That's almost as much as the United States pays for one ( Read more... )

Well, I just am tickled that TIME has decided to name me Person of the Year. It used to be called Man of the Year before women got all bent out of shape.

I am glad that AOL recognizes the fact that I am a powerful and important leader, since it's the best internet service provider in the world.

I've just been talking with my esteemed colleague Alabama State Legislator Gerald Allen about protecting all of you God-fearing American people by banning all stage drama that presents homosexuality as a lifestyle instead of the sin it is, in order to save society from moral destruction. While it is true that gays pay taxes like everybody else, ( Read more... )

Good evening, red state patriots! I've been away for a few days organizing things for our renewed efforts to capture the horrible terrorist Bin Laden. He is a devious person. Our intelligence informed us that he was taking refuge in Nashville, North Carolina, as a mobile home manufacturer. We captured and interrogated Ben Layton, and we still have ( Read more... )

I've been visiting Canada. Canada had many thousands of people who were angry about my visiting them. They must be upset that I had to go to Canada and suffer their barbaric, un-American civilization. I missed a meeting with the former Prime Minister (Canada does not have a president, because a woman could never be president in the free world). She ( Read more... )