I just wanted to thank you, the loyal, taxpaying, unquestioning citizens of this fabulous country, for making it possible for us to pass a budget extension. Not only can I leave this deficit for the next guy (not that I intend for there to be other countries in four years), but now I've commissioned a snazzy new presidential yacht ( Read more... )

Since Colin Powell was getting old and soft, I had him unofficially removed and his position as Secretary of State filled by Condoleezza "Brown Sugar" Rice, who helped me get elected in the first place. The Secretary of State is America’s face to the world and in Dr. Rice the world will see the strength, grace and decency of our country. Also, she' ( Read more... )

Well, the assassination attempt on Arafat was successful Arafat kicked the bucket. There is now hope for peace where those pesky Palestinians are concerned. I've sent John Ashcroft deep undercover to disguise himself as a prominent official and try to take over. I will keep you, my devoted supporters, up to date.

I wanted to reassure you that I have the Attorney General thing well under control now. I have picked my old associate Alberto Gonzales to be the next Attorney General. Some of you who will miss John Ashcroft will be reassured to know that even though Gonzales is genetically inferior to the rest of us, he has an unwavering principle of respect for ( Read more... )

Today, our beloved and loyal John Ashcroft stepped down from his position as Attorney General ( Read more... )

Today I heard that my push to get teaching about "evolution" out of schools has started to work. Soon, children will be able to burn their biology books just accept the fact that God made everybody and everything. Amen, hallelujah! God damned secular science ( Read more... )

If the Ivory Coast is so important, how come they named it after two bars of soap?

You should be very proud of our glorious troops, who are blowing big chunks out of Fajula -- er, Fellooz-- hold on. Falljua. They firmly demonstrated the strong, male-dominated society we represent when they allowed women and children to leave, but arrested all the civilian men who tried to flee the city before we started bombing the crap out of it ( Read more... )

Okay, it's Friday. Another day with "D" in it means another day "D"fending the good, upstanding, decent, Christian, American people! I made that up myself, except that Cheney helped.

First off, this is not a draft. It is a Selective Service action. A draft you can stop by closing the door. If you close the door on a Selective Service action, it ( Read more... )

Thanks for re-electing me, America! I will strive to defeat legislation limiting me to only two terms, so that I may reign over lead you through decade after glorious decade of battle. By re-electing me, you also showed your agreement with me that attacking other countries is more important than protecting your own rights ( Read more... )