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As citizens all across America are preparing for the crucial mid-term elections, I want to urge all my loyal Republican cronies and evengelical Christian sheep not to worry ( Read more... )

I understand some of you are upset that my Torture Bill has been overwhelmingly approved. Now first off, you shouldn't call it the Torture Bill. While I do intend to use it to detain former president Clinton, it's not just to torture Bill. With the passage of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, we can hold anybody as an enemy combatant and rip ( Read more... )

I feel the need to clarificate on some points made by the Pope in some recent pointage. A lot of Muslims are angry at the Pope for saying that all Muslims are terrorists. And the Muslims will probably try to blow up the Pope in a terrorist attack in order to prove him wrong. In order to protect the American people, we have to remember that what the ( Read more... )

We've just concluded the fifth annual 9-11 Orgy For Freedom and disposed of the guests Flight 77 style, and I am in a great mood! I'm in such a good mood, that I want to thank each and every one of you, the American citizens. I would also like to thank the Iraqi parents who left their daughters and sons unattended ( Read more... )

My pants still will not open. This is obviously the work of the terrible, terrifying terrorists. Also, my horse piss tastes like beer.

Sorry for the delay. We're still hanging out here on the second day of the fifth anniversary celebration of 9-11, passing around the 40's. God damn, we're having a good time. We've had a bunch of little Iraqi girls kidnapped and Cheney's jumping in and out of the dungeon as I type this. Listen, your tax dollars are HARD at work, and there's still ( Read more... )

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi got killed again. First we blew up his house and a bunch of people he had over for tea or whatever those people drink. Then he was reportedly shot several times while making his exit. So we killed him twice. Some might call it overkill (I made a funny), but it's a turning point on the War on Terror™. Yes, another one. We have a ( Read more... )

These thoughts are accurate and correct, and they should be your thoughts too ( Read more... )

I understand that a lot of weak-willed, unpatriotic freedom haters are whining about me referring to the Constitution as such just a few days ago. I would like to remind you that this is a country built on freedom. One of the basic human rights of freedom that has been established in this country is our responsibility... out duty... to change the ( Read more... )