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I want to cut.

Like never before.
I want to feel the warmth. The sting. I want the release. I know I shouldn't and I'm trying not to.

Today has been a better day. I haven't cut. I haven't purged. I have eaten some bad foods. But have been heavy on the diet pills. I don't think it's set in how fat I'll be tomorrow from today :/ and that will be the end of me feeling good. I feel good knowing I haven't let my friend down today.

I'm so tired and nervous about my workout tomorrow. I ( Read more... )

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Well I once again fucked up. Had a shake. And the guys were razzing me that I intern with as they know I count cals but that's all they know and I just started freaking out and got choked up and hid in the bathroom. I was bent over the toilet trying to purge and I managed to talk my self into stopping. I was digging for something to cut with. ( Read more... )

Well there goes that

Yet another person I've let down. Husband got into the shower and I got into the knifes.

I want to cut. I want to get up walk over to that drawer and pull out my favorite knife and push it into my skin in my sweet spot. I want to feel it sting. I want to see the blood. But instead I'm snapping my rubber band on my wrist. It's almost the same. But not as relieving. Bring on the wrist welt. my heart and body can't handle my normal ( Read more... )

I feel dead inside. I am having all these health probs I'm assuming related to my ed. I could finish my workout. I thought my heart was going to stop it hurt so bad. I could breath and I couldnt stop shaking. I lost it. Balled my eyes out. Idk wtf do wrong with me that I couldn't do that workout. Seriously. Wtf. So angry that I couldn't/didn't ( Read more... )

I'm so down. Depressed. Hateful

I hate myself. I'm gross.
Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Dumb
My thighs are fat
My stomach is huge
My arms are flappy
I have like 3 chins.

Fuck everything. I cut myself today. I want to cut again. I hate myself. It felt so good after I did it. I just want to do it again. I want to feel that sting again.

Wtf is wrong with me.

I hate myself.


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