Sparklies! 2.1
1.0 - 2.0
Excellent. You have returned.
Last time:
- Ruby had twin girls: Amethyst and Amber.
- Hank sang for his supper in the park.
- Ruby had a boy, Markasite.
- Hank got a rockstar bus.
- The kids grew up a bunch.
- Amethyst began to suspect Hank of having THE GAY
- Hank got old.
- Ruby had ANOTHER girl, Rose (Quartz).
- Amethyst badassed her way through the pedozone mausoleum.
We begin with Mark, looking increasingly like Hank 2.0 and being so obviously over-emotional.
He's also the first Crystal kid to get his own room straight out.
Mark: YESSS I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH ICKY GIRLS
Mark: Amber, did you get 8.5 for number 6?
Amber: I'm not sure.
Mark: How can you not be sure?
Amber: Well, see, I tried using sine law to find it and got 10, but I used Pysimgoras's Rule and got 8.5.
Amethyst: God, our mathematicians are dicks. A Simtesian plane diagram turns up 7.3.
Mark: wat
Hank: *Schooool's out for summah! Schooool's out for-evah!*
Longer hallway/living room/dining room/kitchen is loooonger.
By the way, Amethyst has a sprinkler fetish. Just so you know. It's her childhood sweetheart or somethin'.
Just Ruby, looking wrinkly, yet smashing.
Hank: *is pink and sparkly and painting pretty things*
Amethyst: ...My case. It rests.
Hank: MAYBE I'M JUST METROSEXUAL WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT
Amethyst: Why are you suddenly trying so hard?
Hank: JON SAID I SHOULD
Amethyst: Who's...?
Meet Glib, the family totem of Defense and Protection and Creepy Smiles.
Okay, kid. Time to go inside.
Amethyst: Uh? Buh? SPRINKLY NOOOO
Rose: *sparkly henshen sequence*
Hank's Ass: *is old*
LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE
Hank: I still like pink. Do you like pink yet?
Amethyst: Ah-haha-ha-haa tellMomwhoJonis.
Ruby: Amber, I'm worried about your father's faithfulness.
Amber: WHY IS THE TV OFF
Ruby: I mean, I'll still love him if he's a trashfaced cheater, bu -
Amber: I WISH TO PUREE MY BRAIN TURN ON THE TV
Amethyst: OH SHIT SPARKLES
Hank: Don't worry, I see them too.
Ruby: Rose, you care about the integrity of the family unit, right?
Rose: *fart*
Amber: *ANGRY TV VIEWER*
Ruby: *sinks deeper into an infinite black emo pit of remorse*
Well, I thought seeing Amethyst survive to being a teenager was a bit of a stretch...
BADADUM CRASH
Hank: *prays for something to go terribly wrong*
Rose: *exploratory neurosurgery via nose*
HOLY JAWLINE BATMAN
Hank: *victory stretch*
Amethyst is now a kitchen bitch natural cook.
Rose: Frontal lobe taste gooood.
But if Amethyst grew up, that means...
Amber: NO NO NO WAIT THERE'S A PLOT POINT COMING UP
Time stops for no man - or fangirl.
Amber: Well that wasn't too baDID IANTO DIE WTF I MISSED IT
Amber is now clumsy.
Mark: *left room when boobies began appearing*
Amethyst: Odd in the head or just ridiculously purple?
Glib: *secret panty shot for FBI*
Hank: K, you know what? No. No more. I'm sick of all these damn kids running around being angry at you and accusing me of being homosexual and looking like me and destroying their brains. SICK. OF. IT. NO MORE SEX, NO MORE KIDS.
Ruby: But... but... woohoo.
Hank: NOT WORKING THIS TIME, LADY.
Ruby: That's just fine. You're so old and mouldy that you have all the sexual attractiveness of a confused ungulate!
AWDU: * plug without shame*
Hank: And you're like a toilet bowl!
Ruby: Smooth and faultless?
Hank: FULL OF SHIT. DUH.
Ruby: Look, something has obviously gone far, far awry. We should talk out our feelings like mature, responsible adults and see if we can solve our problems. Right?
Hank: And I am sick of your psychoanalytical hippie-dippy bullshit. I don't WANT a long-lasting, stable relationship!
Uh.. too late?
Hank: DID YOU NOT NOTICE MY COMMITMENT ISSUES YOU DUMB WALRUSFACE?
Hank: ALL I WAnt is... a variety of... poon?
Ruby: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
Ruby: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU WANT TO RUIN THE WONDERFUL FAMILY WE'VE BUILT UP ARE YOU A HOMEWRECKER HUH ARE YOU
Hank: Owwie D:
Ruby: WHY DID I EVER RESURRECT YOU
Hank: Maybe you'd be able to answer that question if you got off your lazy ass every now and again.
Hank: The bootprint on my ass would make a great painting.
Ruby: What did I just do? The father of my children - well, two of them - and I just throw him out onto the street? What kind of a mother am I? My children need someone who can teach them responsibility, someone they can talk to when they're feeling down, someone to play with on a rainy day...
Meet Misty.
Amethyst went to her “friend” Dominic's house, and was met by his father, who is half his size.
Amethyst: Nice, happy home ya got here.
Ben: Face like that, I'd be wearing Groucho glasses.
Dominic: *sprouts toddler out of neck*
Mark: Amethyst is totally trashy. I bet she's trashying herself to her trash boyfriend right now.
Amber: Most likely.
Mark: I bet she's begging him right now, “Oh, honey, do me! Do me! Take off my obscenely tiny purple dress and ravage me like the beast you are!”
Amber: *knows Dominic* DID NOT NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE KTHX
But instead of getting any, she's being a ~good girl~ and finishing her schoolwork.
Are any of us surprised that Dominic is the one picking up sex tips?
Domnic: Your younger sister is nearly as adorable as you are!
Amethyst: You really think that's an appropriate comment? You gonna start talking about my mother next? My cobwebby old mom?
Amethyst: Or my twin sister? You got any threesome fantasies you feel like sharing?
Dominic: Well, she is pretty hot. Not as hot as you by a long shot.
Amethyst: *hormonal gearshift goes BAM* As are you. Like the sun.
Amethyst: I could even kiss you right now.
Dominic: *horny French laugh*
Amethyst: Not before I eat random brown guck off your floor, though.
Dominic: OHGOD
Dominic: That is DISGUSTING. Not kissing you, like, evar.
Amethyst: That's fine, I'm still sexy.
Ruby: O hai moar bbs.
Amethyst decides to nap on the Parrs' lawn chairs right through curfew.
Necksprout: Bitch is hawt.
Dominic: What bitch? You're odd.
D'AWWWWW.
Best kid ever. She doesn't cry, even when she knows that everyone who could get her out of her high chair is either asleep or halfway across town and asleep.
Ben: You've got my child.
Amethyst: Yeah. You left him crying outside all night.
Dominic: Dad, did you throw him out a window again?
Ben: ...It's hard being a single parent, you know.
Amethyst stopped over at the local pool because she felt she was badass enough for a makeover.
I like her super-pointy lip.
And then the little purple circle (Amethyst) decides to run for the little yellow circle (school bus).
Note that she's more than twice as far from the bus than from school.
She ended up walking.
Ruby: Talking trash... staying out all night... Rose, bb, never grow up, mmkay?
Rose: idgaf as long as I get hugses.
D'AWWWWW.
Amethyst: So, I hear I'm the new dramallama at school.
Amber: Damn straight.
Amber: No one pays any attention to me because everyone and their pet womrat is talking about you and your ~Adonis~!
Mark: LOL +
Amethyst: Oh, please. We never even kissed.
Mark: Good! I mistook him for a tropical island when I first saw him.
Amethyst: Okay, it is on, you little bitch.
Amber: I will become ~artiste~ to get attention.
Amethyst: I will spend time with my ~one true love~ to avoid attention.
:,(
Newschild: YOU SUCK
Yeah, she really needs that right now, thanks, kid.
Amber: You're cute, but you really fail at talking, you know that?
Rose: BRB BLAMING THE SYSTEM
Amber: ...You talked! HOMG!
Rose: THE SYSTEM MEANS YOU
Ruby: ...I mean, really, what did he expect, calling me lazy when he's probably never touched a piece of paperwork in his unlife? I'm so glad you're not like your father, Mark.
Mark: Mm-hmm. *levitates book*
Just a nice picture of the house.
Amethyst: Yay new bb! D'you think it'll be a boy or a girl?
Ruby: Well, I'm hoping for a boy, just to even things out, y'know, but I'll be happy either way...
Spot the glaring lie.
Amethyst: I like being a big sister :D
Rose: FUCK COUCHES
Amethyst wanted a job, so I got her one at the cemetery. Perfect fit? She seems happy.
Mark: So lemme get this straight. I'm dead because you saw fit to fall in love with a dead guy and use an untested method of reanimation to tie his soul to the mortal world? And then screw him?
Rose: Your face is hypnotic. o_o
Ruby: Weeell... um...
Mark: And somehow his undead seed managed to impregnate you with me?
Ruby: Look, if you want to be punched in the face, just tell me right off.
Rose: I'll never remember my father's face. :)
Mark: And this kid came about the same way?
Ruby: Yeah.
Mark: That's... kinda... awesome, actually.
Ruby: Now, despite the growing pile of mineral and metal riches in the front hall, we're still a little cash-strapped, so we're gonna have to get you working the second you turn teenager.
Mark: Okay!
Amber: FUCK TODDLERS
I swear, Amber plays Mom to Rose constantly.
Mark: You look old.
Ruby: Uh. Thanks.
Mark: Have you ever tried fart-lighting? I wonder if you could fart big enough to be jet-propelled into the stratosphere...
Ruby: Hmm. I'll be sure to try that out at the lab.
Mark: OH MY GOD YOU'RE STANDING UP AND I'M HUNGRY MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF STRESS
Ruby: Oh, never you mi -
Ruby: QUOI?!
Mark: OH MY CRAP
Mark: Fuck it, I'm hungry. Where's last night's salad?
Ruby: PAIIIN
Amethyst: SPRINKLY SAID YOU WERE IN TROUBLE heyyy is CSI on? Awesome.
Ruby: Yeah. I haven't really watched since Grissom leEEEAGH
Amethyst: SHIT WE SHOULD GO TO THE Greg is so hawt can't look away.
NEXT TIME:
- Babies!
- Something!
- Oh! Hey! Someone has THE GAY!
2.2
Excellent. You have returned.
Last time:
- Ruby had twin girls: Amethyst and Amber.
- Hank sang for his supper in the park.
- Ruby had a boy, Markasite.
- Hank got a rockstar bus.
- The kids grew up a bunch.
- Amethyst began to suspect Hank of having THE GAY
- Hank got old.
- Ruby had ANOTHER girl, Rose (Quartz).
- Amethyst badassed her way through the pedozone mausoleum.
We begin with Mark, looking increasingly like Hank 2.0 and being so obviously over-emotional.
He's also the first Crystal kid to get his own room straight out.
Mark: YESSS I DON'T HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM WITH ICKY GIRLS
Mark: Amber, did you get 8.5 for number 6?
Amber: I'm not sure.
Mark: How can you not be sure?
Amber: Well, see, I tried using sine law to find it and got 10, but I used Pysimgoras's Rule and got 8.5.
Amethyst: God, our mathematicians are dicks. A Simtesian plane diagram turns up 7.3.
Mark: wat
Hank: *Schooool's out for summah! Schooool's out for-evah!*
Longer hallway/living room/dining room/kitchen is loooonger.
By the way, Amethyst has a sprinkler fetish. Just so you know. It's her childhood sweetheart or somethin'.
Just Ruby, looking wrinkly, yet smashing.
Hank: *is pink and sparkly and painting pretty things*
Amethyst: ...My case. It rests.
Hank: MAYBE I'M JUST METROSEXUAL WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THAT
Amethyst: Why are you suddenly trying so hard?
Hank: JON SAID I SHOULD
Amethyst: Who's...?
Meet Glib, the family totem of Defense and Protection and Creepy Smiles.
Okay, kid. Time to go inside.
Amethyst: Uh? Buh? SPRINKLY NOOOO
Rose: *sparkly henshen sequence*
Hank's Ass: *is old*
LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE
Hank: I still like pink. Do you like pink yet?
Amethyst: Ah-haha-ha-haa tellMomwhoJonis.
Ruby: Amber, I'm worried about your father's faithfulness.
Amber: WHY IS THE TV OFF
Ruby: I mean, I'll still love him if he's a trashfaced cheater, bu -
Amber: I WISH TO PUREE MY BRAIN TURN ON THE TV
Amethyst: OH SHIT SPARKLES
Hank: Don't worry, I see them too.
Ruby: Rose, you care about the integrity of the family unit, right?
Rose: *fart*
Amber: *ANGRY TV VIEWER*
Ruby: *sinks deeper into an infinite black emo pit of remorse*
Well, I thought seeing Amethyst survive to being a teenager was a bit of a stretch...
BADADUM CRASH
Hank: *prays for something to go terribly wrong*
Rose: *exploratory neurosurgery via nose*
HOLY JAWLINE BATMAN
Hank: *victory stretch*
Amethyst is now a kitchen bitch natural cook.
Rose: Frontal lobe taste gooood.
But if Amethyst grew up, that means...
Amber: NO NO NO WAIT THERE'S A PLOT POINT COMING UP
Time stops for no man - or fangirl.
Amber: Well that wasn't too baDID IANTO DIE WTF I MISSED IT
Amber is now clumsy.
Mark: *left room when boobies began appearing*
Amethyst: Odd in the head or just ridiculously purple?
Glib: *secret panty shot for FBI*
Hank: K, you know what? No. No more. I'm sick of all these damn kids running around being angry at you and accusing me of being homosexual and looking like me and destroying their brains. SICK. OF. IT. NO MORE SEX, NO MORE KIDS.
Ruby: But... but... woohoo.
Hank: NOT WORKING THIS TIME, LADY.
Ruby: That's just fine. You're so old and mouldy that you have all the sexual attractiveness of a confused ungulate!
AWDU: * plug without shame*
Hank: And you're like a toilet bowl!
Ruby: Smooth and faultless?
Hank: FULL OF SHIT. DUH.
Ruby: Look, something has obviously gone far, far awry. We should talk out our feelings like mature, responsible adults and see if we can solve our problems. Right?
Hank: And I am sick of your psychoanalytical hippie-dippy bullshit. I don't WANT a long-lasting, stable relationship!
Uh.. too late?
Hank: DID YOU NOT NOTICE MY COMMITMENT ISSUES YOU DUMB WALRUSFACE?
Hank: ALL I WAnt is... a variety of... poon?
Ruby: ÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖÖ
Ruby: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU WANT TO RUIN THE WONDERFUL FAMILY WE'VE BUILT UP ARE YOU A HOMEWRECKER HUH ARE YOU
Hank: Owwie D:
Ruby: WHY DID I EVER RESURRECT YOU
Hank: Maybe you'd be able to answer that question if you got off your lazy ass every now and again.
Hank: The bootprint on my ass would make a great painting.
Ruby: What did I just do? The father of my children - well, two of them - and I just throw him out onto the street? What kind of a mother am I? My children need someone who can teach them responsibility, someone they can talk to when they're feeling down, someone to play with on a rainy day...
Meet Misty.
Amethyst went to her “friend” Dominic's house, and was met by his father, who is half his size.
Amethyst: Nice, happy home ya got here.
Ben: Face like that, I'd be wearing Groucho glasses.
Dominic: *sprouts toddler out of neck*
Mark: Amethyst is totally trashy. I bet she's trashying herself to her trash boyfriend right now.
Amber: Most likely.
Mark: I bet she's begging him right now, “Oh, honey, do me! Do me! Take off my obscenely tiny purple dress and ravage me like the beast you are!”
Amber: *knows Dominic* DID NOT NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE KTHX
But instead of getting any, she's being a ~good girl~ and finishing her schoolwork.
Are any of us surprised that Dominic is the one picking up sex tips?
Domnic: Your younger sister is nearly as adorable as you are!
Amethyst: You really think that's an appropriate comment? You gonna start talking about my mother next? My cobwebby old mom?
Amethyst: Or my twin sister? You got any threesome fantasies you feel like sharing?
Dominic: Well, she is pretty hot. Not as hot as you by a long shot.
Amethyst: *hormonal gearshift goes BAM* As are you. Like the sun.
Amethyst: I could even kiss you right now.
Dominic: *horny French laugh*
Amethyst: Not before I eat random brown guck off your floor, though.
Dominic: OHGOD
Dominic: That is DISGUSTING. Not kissing you, like, evar.
Amethyst: That's fine, I'm still sexy.
Ruby: O hai moar bbs.
Amethyst decides to nap on the Parrs' lawn chairs right through curfew.
Necksprout: Bitch is hawt.
Dominic: What bitch? You're odd.
D'AWWWWW.
Best kid ever. She doesn't cry, even when she knows that everyone who could get her out of her high chair is either asleep or halfway across town and asleep.
Ben: You've got my child.
Amethyst: Yeah. You left him crying outside all night.
Dominic: Dad, did you throw him out a window again?
Ben: ...It's hard being a single parent, you know.
Amethyst stopped over at the local pool because she felt she was badass enough for a makeover.
I like her super-pointy lip.
And then the little purple circle (Amethyst) decides to run for the little yellow circle (school bus).
Note that she's more than twice as far from the bus than from school.
She ended up walking.
Ruby: Talking trash... staying out all night... Rose, bb, never grow up, mmkay?
Rose: idgaf as long as I get hugses.
D'AWWWWW.
Amethyst: So, I hear I'm the new dramallama at school.
Amber: Damn straight.
Amber: No one pays any attention to me because everyone and their pet womrat is talking about you and your ~Adonis~!
Mark: LOL +
Amethyst: Oh, please. We never even kissed.
Mark: Good! I mistook him for a tropical island when I first saw him.
Amethyst: Okay, it is on, you little bitch.
Amber: I will become ~artiste~ to get attention.
Amethyst: I will spend time with my ~one true love~ to avoid attention.
:,(
Newschild: YOU SUCK
Yeah, she really needs that right now, thanks, kid.
Amber: You're cute, but you really fail at talking, you know that?
Rose: BRB BLAMING THE SYSTEM
Amber: ...You talked! HOMG!
Rose: THE SYSTEM MEANS YOU
Ruby: ...I mean, really, what did he expect, calling me lazy when he's probably never touched a piece of paperwork in his unlife? I'm so glad you're not like your father, Mark.
Mark: Mm-hmm. *levitates book*
Just a nice picture of the house.
Amethyst: Yay new bb! D'you think it'll be a boy or a girl?
Ruby: Well, I'm hoping for a boy, just to even things out, y'know, but I'll be happy either way...
Spot the glaring lie.
Amethyst: I like being a big sister :D
Rose: FUCK COUCHES
Amethyst wanted a job, so I got her one at the cemetery. Perfect fit? She seems happy.
Mark: So lemme get this straight. I'm dead because you saw fit to fall in love with a dead guy and use an untested method of reanimation to tie his soul to the mortal world? And then screw him?
Rose: Your face is hypnotic. o_o
Ruby: Weeell... um...
Mark: And somehow his undead seed managed to impregnate you with me?
Ruby: Look, if you want to be punched in the face, just tell me right off.
Rose: I'll never remember my father's face. :)
Mark: And this kid came about the same way?
Ruby: Yeah.
Mark: That's... kinda... awesome, actually.
Ruby: Now, despite the growing pile of mineral and metal riches in the front hall, we're still a little cash-strapped, so we're gonna have to get you working the second you turn teenager.
Mark: Okay!
Amber: FUCK TODDLERS
I swear, Amber plays Mom to Rose constantly.
Mark: You look old.
Ruby: Uh. Thanks.
Mark: Have you ever tried fart-lighting? I wonder if you could fart big enough to be jet-propelled into the stratosphere...
Ruby: Hmm. I'll be sure to try that out at the lab.
Mark: OH MY GOD YOU'RE STANDING UP AND I'M HUNGRY MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF STRESS
Ruby: Oh, never you mi -
Ruby: QUOI?!
Mark: OH MY CRAP
Mark: Fuck it, I'm hungry. Where's last night's salad?
Ruby: PAIIIN
Amethyst: SPRINKLY SAID YOU WERE IN TROUBLE heyyy is CSI on? Awesome.
Ruby: Yeah. I haven't really watched since Grissom leEEEAGH
Amethyst: SHIT WE SHOULD GO TO THE Greg is so hawt can't look away.
NEXT TIME:
- Babies!
- Something!
- Oh! Hey! Someone has THE GAY!
2.2