'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Four
Prologue *** Chapter One *** Chapter Two *** Chapter Three
Chapter Four - There Will Be No Easy Way Out
Sometimes in the end, it can all become new again.
They stare at me. All four of them just stare at me like I’m sprouting an extra head. Or like I’m an escapee from an insane asylum, more likely. Either way, all eyes are on me, and I don’t like it one bit. It doesn’t help quell the nervous, manic laughter, and it doesn’t do anything to bolster my self-confidence, either.
“Okay,” I exhale softly, choking to keep the laughter down. “Well, okay then.”
Fan-freaking-tastic. What is he doing here? Why is he sitting there with my friends? Why isn’t anyone kicking his ass out of here? “Well, that dance winded me; I’m going to go to the bar.”
Peyton immediately jumps up, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see Luke and Skillz stopping Nathan from following us. “Haley, slow down!” Peyt calls as I shove my way through the crowd in my hurried attempt to get to the alcohol. “What are you doing?”
“What do you think I’m doing?” I ask, giving her the ‘look’. “I’m getting drunk. Smashed, hammered, intoxicated, rip-roaring, staggering, falling on my face drunk.”
“Uh huh,” she nods, a wry half-smile playing about her lips. “And that’s a good idea how?”
“Well, it is certainly a better idea than standing around making small talk with him, like the rest of you are apparently inclined to do,” I snap, smiling in relief when the bartender comes over to us. “Two shots of tequila, two limes.”
She glances sideways at me as she picks up the shot glass that gets set in front of her. Sighing, she holds it out slightly. “Cheers,” she mutters flatly, knowing that there is nothing cheery about any of this.
“Bottoms up,” I counter, tapping my glass lightly against hers before throwing the tequila back. It burns, but that’s not a bad thing right now. No, the burning is there and real, and in a way, I need that right now.
She sighs again after downing her shot. She’s always been able to handle her liquor better than me, hence her never being busted sans clothing in a public place by the campus branch of the Keystone Kops. “Are you feeling better now?”
I return her earlier wry smile, shrugging slightly. Laughter is again trying to bubble its way out, but this time, I can keep it in. “I don’t know what I am now. I just…I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t want that. And I definitely did not need that.”
“I know,” she agrees immediately. “I know you don’t. I’m sorry, Haley. God, I can’t even tell you how sorry I am.”
“For what?” I blink, chewing on the edge of the lime. “It’s not your fault he’s here. It’s not your fault that I’m twenty-two, haven’t seen him in five years, and still can’t deal.”
“I dragged you here,” she sighs, running her fingers through her messy curls. “Not only to Tree Hill, but here tonight. I wanted to come out tonight, and because I’m so freaking selfish, you had to see him. I’m so sorry.”
Somehow, of all things, this elicits a small smile from me before I start laughing again, this time more genuinely. And one hundred percent less panicked. Okay, seventy-five percent, anyway. But it’s less, for sure. “Oh, Peyt, it’s so not your fault. Fate just hates me, I think. Or Karma. Something like that. Remember Kiki, that crazy girl in the room next to mine freshman year? She told me I had a bad aura. It’s manifesting again, I think.”
Peyton can only contain her snickering for a minute before she lets out a snort of laughter. “Oh, hell, I need another shot. Keep ‘em coming,” she tells the bartender, who just smiles and pulls the bottle back up from under the counter. “Nice. Okay, so are you okay? My god, I can’t believe he’s here. When he walked in, I didn’t even see him at first, but Luke got all tense and bot-like, so I figured it out pretty quick. Even Mouth, quiet, easy-going Mouth, got nervous and looked like he wanted to bolt. Or jump Nathan.”
“Okay, ew,” I manage to laugh, picking up the shot glass in front of me and tossing it back. “And secondly, what am I supposed to do? What’s the protocol? You know me, Peyt! I need structure for this or - or at least a generalized idea of the acceptable standards for handling such a situation!”
“Well, gee, I’m sorry, I left my ‘Divorced for Dummies’ copy in California, Hales! I don’t know!” she exclaims in exasperation. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. I guess…just do what feels natural.”
Scoffing, I nod when the bartender offers another shot, sliding a small bowl of lime wedges in between us. “Natural? Running until I hit the beaches of California feels natural right about now, but in these shoes, that isn’t an option.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “We can leave, Hales. Luke wouldn’t mind a bit. In fact, considering what he had been saying earlier, I think he’d be in whole-hearted agreement of that plan.”
I nod again, feeling the warmth of the tequila pooling in my belly. It’s nice, comforting somehow. It probably shouldn’t be, and it’s a little embarrassing to realize I have a familiarity with it, but in this moment, it’s nice. “I don’t want to be a coward, Peyton, and if I ran, isn’t that what I’d be? I - he doesn’t have that power over me now.” Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders. Liquid courage - got it in spades tonight. “All the same, I don’t know what to say to him.”
“’Hi’ might be a good place to start,” she suggests blithely, her eyes twinkling with the flashing of the strobe light as she picks up her shot glass again. I think she’s a shot or two ahead of me, and considering that it is my ex-husband standing fifty feet across the room, that seems a little unfair. But, what can you do?
“I’m sure that’ll be a great place to start,” I giggle, my cheeks heating as the alcohol continues to course through my veins. “Just walk back over there, once I get over the whole coward thing, of course - “
“Of course!” she interrupts to agree.
“ - And just say ‘hi’! Yes, I see how that is a good plan,” I sigh, rolling my eyes even as I laugh with her. “I don’t know, I think sneaking out the back door might be the way to go. It’s probably only a ten minute walk back to your house. I could do that, don’t you think?”
She shakes her head. “Not in those shoes. And sorry, but I can’t let you do that. See, you, Haley James, have pride. And standards. And running away now would not be doing right by your pride, and it would be seriously below your standards. So no running. We’re going to take a few more shots - “ She ignores me when I snort at that idea. “No, we really are going to take a few more shots, and then we’re going back over to that table. And you will say ‘hi’. And I’ll give him the coldest shoulder he’s ever got, and you’ll have your pride and standards, and I’ll have been petty enough to make both of us feel a little bit better.”
I have to laugh at that, but I quickly sober. “Thanks,” I tell her solemnly, and I really mean it. Not just for the part where she’s going to act petty, because I do appreciate it, but for the part where she’s not going to let me do something she knows I’d regret. Something I’d make myself sick over after the fact.
“You never have to thank me,” she smiles, smirking at me when the shot glasses are filled again. “Good man,” she mutters as the bartender walks off. “Come on, we can both use this.” I nod my agreement, and we again salute each other before tossing the drinks back. “Oh, it burns in the good way.”
“Yeah, okay,” I sputter, my mouth and throat still not numbed to the potency of the liquor. “If this is good, I’d hate your bad.”
She grins wickedly. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”
I groan, rolling my eyes. “Okay, enough of that.” I suck in a deep breath of air, trying desperately to compose myself in even the tiniest of ways. “Okay, okay,” I mutter, wringing my hands together in a sign of nervousness. “I can do this. I can. Right?”
“Of course you can,” she agrees, her tone soothing and gentle, like she’s trying to calm a toddler having a temper tantrum. Great. That’s how this is going to be.
“Don’t do that,” I hiss at her, peevish and on edge. “Don’t you talk to me like I’m a child, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer!”
“Then don’t act like one,” she retorts, poking her tongue out at me, and I know that she’s purposely trying to rile me up. “You’re acting more juvenile than Maria right now.”
I bristle at her comparison of me to one of Chelsea’s friends, Mar. The girl is sweet as pie, but she doesn’t have a grown up bone in her body. “That was a rude comparison,” I growl, turning on slightly unsteady feet. “Damn it, why’d I wear these shoes again?”
“Because they make your legs look sooo fine,” Skills grins easily as he approaches, going so far as to reach down and pat my left calf for emphasis. “Shoot, girls, you smell like a distillery! What’ve you been doing?”
“What do you think?” Peyton giggles in a decidedly un-Peyton like way. “Are you flirting with Haley? That’s so cute.”
I roll my eyes, chancing a glance towards the table where we left the boys earlier. The tiny hope I was holding onto that Nathan would be gone is killed immediately when I lock gazes with him across the room. How long we stand there staring at each other, I’ll never know. But until Skills or Peyton - probably Peyton, given the fact that it is none too gentle - give me a shove to get me going, I can’t break my gaze away from his. Sucking in a nervous breath, I manage to force my legs to carry me to the table.
And when I get there, he doesn’t say anything. He stares at me, I stare at him, and the rest of them stare back and forth between both of us. It’s about the most disconcerting moment of my life, and it feels like it won’t ever end. Just as I open my mouth to say something - and no, I’m not sure what - he speaks.
“You look good, Hales.”
Well, that is unexpected. Nervously tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear, I nod. “Thanks, so do you.”
He just grins at me, and somehow, that makes it all worse. He’s not supposed to…smile. He isn’t supposed to be glad to see me after all this time. He’s supposed to feel as awkward and uncomfortable as I do, and he’s supposed to squirm and shake and nervously ramble. No fair if it is only one sided.
“And so do I,” Peyton cuts in, stepping between us and breaking whatever weird spell it was that was keeping our gazes locked together. “But no one is here to talk about that. Right, Luke?”
“Yes, dear,” he parrots, giving me a questioning look. I give him a slight shake of the head to indicate that I’m fine, for now. “Uh, I guess we need a bigger table.”
Peyton shakes her head, her curls whipping wildly about her face. “Nope, we’ll just double up on laps again! I’m sure he is leaving, anyway.”
That draws my eyes back to him, and to my surprise and probably the tables at large, he just watches Peyt impassively. “I’ve got time to stay and visit.”
“Yippee,” Peyton mutters sarcastically, not-so-under her breath. “What a treat.”
“Peyton,” Luke sighs, glancing at her in exasperation before turning to glare at Nathan. I feel so out of the loop here that it is ridiculous.
Mouth stands up, taking initiative. “Look, let’s move to that table in the corner. It’s big enough for everyone, I should think.” When no one moves, he throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Look, if you’re all going to act like children, fine. But I’m going to go sit down at the big, corner booth.”
Clearly not knowing what else to do, Skills moves to follow. Peyton catches my eye, and we have a silent conversation before she goes after them, closely followed by me. When in doubt, stick to the one most likely to be on your side. Nathan follows next, to my confusion, and then Luke trips along after him.
Awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward. I hate this, loathe it, despise it with the fire of a thousand burning suns. I’m so far out of my element that it feels like I’m lost and won’t be able to find my way home. “So, we should go around the table and catch up or something,” Mouth suggests when no one else moves to break the silence. “I mean, I’ve heard stories here and there, but it’d be great to hear more.” He glances over at Luke with a mischievous look on his face. “’Cept you, pal. You’ve bored us more than enough as it is. Don’t need to hear any of your stories again!”
“Well, don’t everyone jump in at once,” Skills chuckles ruefully. Luke shoves at his arm, giving him a significant look. “Fine, I guess I’ll start. Went to community college on a partial scholarship, ended up at NC State my last two years playing with the big boys.”
“And losing every time you went up against the real big boys,” Nathan ribs him, but his tone is surprisingly friendly and genial. He’s tight around the mouth as he says it, though, which strikes me as odd.
“Whatever,” Skills scowls. “Don’t go there with me.” Luke looks irritated at the banter, for whatever reason. “Anyway, I got to play, and that’s all I cared about. There were fringe benefits, sure - the girls, you know? But I’m a hottie so I’d have gotten them anyway.”
Luke rolls his eyes and Nathan casts his downward, strikes me as odd. “Man, what a whitewash job that was,” Luke ribs Skills. “You could at least cough up a few of your dirtier details.”
Mouth grins. “Or, for sanity’s sake, a few of the cleaner ones. C’mon, Skills, tell them about the semester you spent all your time flirting with the TA in your math class and studying all of your spare time, and you still only got a C!”
“Hey, at least I tried,” Skills shrugs shamelessly. “That’s about two grades better than if there’d been no flirting!”
Peyton and I both grin at that, and Luke just shakes his head. Nathan continues to sit there, seemingly paying attention to the conversation, but it’s rather obvious that most of his focus is on me. Noticing my discomfort, Peyton tugs on Luke’s sleeve. “Flag the waiter down, babe. I could use a drink to wash down those shots.”
Luke groans. “You were doing shots? Oh, hell, Haley was doing shots?”
“She’s a big girl now, legal even. Why’s that so bad?” Skills asks, his brow furrowed in confusion. He breaks into a smile when he gets it. “Ah, she’s a lightweight, isn’t she?”
“I am not,” I deny mildly, wrenching my gaze away from Nathan. “That is so not the case. I’m just not an alcoholic like Miss ‘Let’s Do Tequila Shots Until We Can’t Feel Our Legs’ there.”
Peyton sighs, reaching out to pat me on the hand. “Well, you’re not exactly a heavy drinker, Hales. And we did have quite a few shots.” She laughs at my dubious expression. “Okay, fine, you can hold your own now. But a few years ago, I had to drag you home.”
I roll my eyes at her exaggeration, grateful for the slight and definitely temporary distraction from Nathan. “Like you ever did any dragging, chicken legs.”
“I wouldn’t mind seeing you draped all over Peyton, Hales,” Skills winks, earning laughter from me and Mouth, smacks upside the head from Peyt and Luke, and a deep scowl from Nathan. Nathan, god, he’s here. It just keeps hitting me upside the head, even though I know it.
“Anyway,” I drawl out, giving Peyton and Luke what Chels calls my ‘scary mommy’ look until they stop swatting at Skills. “What about you, Mr. McFadden? Enlighten us on your glory days.”
“Do they really count as glory days when you’re struggling to figure out your sexuality and dealing with the fall out of that?” Mouth shrugs, smirking when both Luke and Skills protest, calling his bluff. “Okay, fine, it wasn’t that bad.”
Skills rolls his eyes. “Not that bad? You had a boyfriend before I’d even talked to a single girl,” he grumbles. “I’d say that’s definitely ‘not bad’!”
I lean forward, grinning at Mouth. “Really? You moved that fast? Good for you, Mouth; always knew you had it in you.”
He laughs, his shoulders lifting in a bashful shrug. “I don’t know, it really wasn’t anything. I just got lucky, really.”
“We should all be so lucky,” I sigh, batting my eyes at him, laughing when Peyton hooks an arm over my shoulder. “It’s great, though, Mouth.”
“Which part?” he laughs.
“All of it,” Peyt chimes in. “I know a few people who had a rough time of it. Admitting to themselves, their friends, family…I’m not making light or saying you had it easy, but I think since you’re so comfortable with yourself, that in a way, it probably made it easier.”
He smiles at her, and even Nathan manages to nod his agreement though his eyes remain affixed on me. “Probably,” Mouth agrees. “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but that’s probably because it just made so much sense when I realized it.” He grins at her. “What about you?”
“Me?” she laughs, reaching out and grabbing Luke’s hand. The sweet simplicity of the act has me craving things I didn’t even realize I missed, and I have to swallow painfully as I look away. “I’ve been in California living the California girl life. Really, there’s not much interesting to my life anyway. School, art, cheer, and Haley, that’s how I spent my time.”
“She says it like she was my babysitter,” I laugh, shaking my head. “Anyway, you’re glossing over things. You could tell them about Kelly.”
Her mouth drops open, surprised I’d bring that up. “I - you - Haley!” she exclaims, pouting. “You were never supposed to mention that creeper again!”
I shrug, getting a slightly mean enjoyment out of her discomfort. Oh, it’s not like she’ll hesitate to bring up slightly embarrassing things about me. Then again, I probably shouldn’t have been the one to start it tonight. “It’s not that big of a deal, Peyt. You can’t help it that everyone falls in deep, desperate love with you.”
“That wasn’t love!” she exclaims, ignoring Luke as he tries to get her attention. No, all her attention is focused on me, her eyes telling me not to reveal the kicker. She goes on, “That was craziness, that’s what that was!”
“She was a little whacked,” I agree, smiling sweetly at her as all Hell breaks loose around us. Luke’s jaw drops open, and Mouth just shakes his head at me, smiling slightly. Skills appears to be one thought away from drooling, and Nathan actually spit-takes the beer he’s drinking. Peyton just glares at me, which is exactly what I expected.
“I cannot believe you,” she hisses at me, her finger wagging in my face. “I will get you back so, so good, Haley! Don’t think I won’t. I know your secrets, and I will so pick a good one to drop at the most inopportune time ever.”
I just laugh, leaning back in my seat as Luke finally finds his words. “What the hell is this all about? You had some girl stalking you?”
Peyton shoots me one last Look before turning to Luke. “She wasn’t stalking me, exactly. She just flirted, a lot, and spent a lot of time in the same places I was. Honestly, I don’t even know if it was flirting so much as she just really liked me. Or wanted to be me.”
Nathan visibly shudders as he flags the waitress down. “I think we need another round here,” he tells her, his gaze sliding back to me. It is beginning to get uncomfortable, the way he is staring at me. I wish he’d either say something to me, whatever it is that he’s thinking, or just stop and find something more interesting to look at. At this point, I don’t care, but it has to stop. After the waitress writes down our orders, I stand up.
“You know what? I think I’m going to go now. I can get started on packing, and then we’ll - “
“You can’t leave yet. I mean, you haven’t regaled us with your stories of college life yet,” Nathan protests quietly, his gaze sharpening in intensity. “No fair leaving without sharing with the rest of the class.”
“Not to agree with him,” Peyton sighs, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes, “But you’ve had too much to drink to drive, and like you already pointed out, those aren’t the shoes for walking.”
Not looking at Nathan, I give a tense smile to the rest of them. “I’ll call a cab. No big. I know where the key is, so it’ll be fine. I guess I’m a bit more tired than I thought I was.”
Nathan stands up, too, and for a second I’m afraid Luke will as well. “I thought we could talk tonight, catch up.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I sigh as I avoid his gaze. The waitress comes back, placing our drinks on the table and staring at us curiously. Not knowing what else to do, I sit back down and pick up my drink. “Well, can’t let the drink go to waste.”
“Hales, I wanted - “
“Oh, stuff it, Nathan,” Luke pipes up angrily. “No one asked what you wanted, not that that’s ever stopped you. What are you doing here, anyway?”
Nathan’s eyes darken with some emotion that I can’t quite recognize as he just stares back at his older half-brother. I close my eyes, not wanting this to escalate to something it doesn’t need to be. “Luke, it’s fine, just leave it.”
Nathan glances at me, reaching out and touching me lightly on the arm. “Could we talk? Outside and alone for a few minutes?”
Staring at him now, I don’t know what to say. It’s not that I haven’t ever thought of this meeting. Maybe there wasn’t a conscious assumption that it would happen, but there’s enough chance in life (and I have wicked bad luck sometimes) that I couldn’t dismiss the possibility of it out of hand, either. And here it is. And he wants to talk.
“What - there isn’t really anything to talk about,” I manage to get out without stammering over my words like a nervous fool, which is something more of an accomplishment than it sounds.
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I suppose that’s a possibility. Seeing as I’m sitting here trying desperately to pretend like this isn’t the most abnormal experience of my life. “I think there’s actually a lot we could talk about. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Hales.”
“And whose choice was that?” I snap, unable to help myself. God, I wish I could call those words back as he rolls his eyes and the rest of them look down at the table in what I’m sure is embarrassment for me. “Oh, whatever. You want to talk outside? Fine, go. Let’s talk outside. As usual, you can have your way.”
“I don’t always get my way,” he mutters, glaring at Peyton when she looks up and snorts at him in laughter. “Shut up, Sawyer.” He looks over at me. “Let’s go.”
His voice is colder then, and I wonder if I should’ve held my ground and just refused. At least if he was going to get pissy with me for not going outside, I had Peyton and Luke and the boys there with me. Outside it will just be me, with no one to back me up. Just me and him, like old times.
When we get out there, I don’t say anything. I’m sure he expects me to start, but I don’t know what it is that he wants to hear, and frankly I’m too tired to say the wrong thing now. “How’ve you been?” he asks after a prolonged pause.
“Oh, um, fine, I guess. You?” Asinine. This is so completely asinine. We haven’t spoken in five years, and now that we are, it’s trivialities like this? Stupid.
“It varies, how I am. Sometimes things were good, and sometimes they were as bad as you could imagine.” What does that mean? “You liked college? I heard you were a cheerleader.” I must make some face, because he rushes on to clarify. “My mother told me. I’m sure she heard all about it from Karen. She likes to brag about you. Almost as much as she does Luke. Probably because you’re so much prettier.”
Is he flirting with me? Oh, hell, no. How dare he, how dare he make me come out here and act all la-di-da, life is grand, let’s be goofy and flirty, and pretend like nothing happened? He does not get to do this, he does not get to act like everything is fine and dandy and it hasn’t been five years since we’ve even spoken.
“What do you want?” I bite out, colder than I intend, far icier than I really feel. He visibly recoils, shifting back away from me.
“I just wanted to talk to you, Hales. I - I’ve missed you. Maybe I didn’t have that right, maybe I still don’t, but it doesn’t change it. I’ve missed you. A lot.”
Staring past him to the wall, I shake my head. “Please don’t do that. It’s not fair, if you do this, it is not fair, Nathan. I - I have come to terms with things, and you don’t get to drag me out here and mess with my head.”
He blinks, reaching out to trail a hand down my bare arm. “Why would you think I was doing that? Come on, Hales, a tiny bit of credit would be appreciated.”
“No,” I state firmly, standing my ground (by jerking backwards). “No, credit is not mine to give you. I - we don’t know each other anymore. I don’t know what you’ve done the last five years, I don’t know how school went, or who your friends were, or who you loved. And you don’t know that about me, either. Our paths diverged, and there’s just a whole lot of emptiness between us now.”
What? Where is this coming from? It couldn’t be me saying it, could it? I wouldn’t be so harsh, I wouldn’t be taking this anger out on him, not when I’ve worked through it, right? RIGHT? Crap, crap, double crap.
He stares at me, reaching a hand out to trace his fingers over my cheek, but I can’t move back any further because the railing is at my hip. “You don’t mean that, Hales. I - I know that I messed up when I cut you out of my life. Don’t you think that I know that? It took all of about a month before I figured that out! Maybe I’m not the smartest guy on the block, but I’m not completely bereft in the brain department, either. I know I made a huge mistake. And I know you don’t mean it, at least, not that harsh.”
I shrug, frowning as I glare mutinously over his shoulder at some indeterminate place on the wall. “I don’t particularly want to do this, Nathan. It isn’t what I came back here for, and it isn’t why I’m standing here now.”
“Then why did you come back here?” he challenges. “And don’t give me that crap about Peyton and moving, because that’s bull.”
“No, it isn’t,” I tell him softly. And it isn’t. I hadn’t had a clue that Nathan was in town, and if I’d known, I probably would’ve been too much of a coward to get within three states of here. So he’s definitely off the mark on that one. “Look, I came back for Peyton, because she needed me. Maybe that’s not why I’m standing out here with you,” I admit, “But it is why I came back. I didn’t know you were here.”
Hurt flashes across his face before a mask of indifference slides over it. “You didn’t know? I - well, I figured Luke the Golden Boy would’ve told you.”
I shrug, ignoring the hurt on his face and the bitterness in his voice. Does he really have the right to be either of those things now? “He didn’t. Not until we got here. We have this thing where we don’t talk about anything awkward or uncomfortable, so I didn’t know.” Taking a deep breath, I make eye contact. “Look, you made it clear how you felt, that you didn’t want to be near me. I’ve respected that, and I’ve made my peace with it. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you, but I don’t know what else to do. You were the one who ended things, not me.”
“I made a mistake!” he exclaims, throwing his hands in the air in extreme frustration. “I made one huge mistake, and you’re going to hold it over my head now, five years later? I was a kid, Haley! I did dumb things, a lot of them! And maybe that was the dumbest of them all!”
I ignore the last part - I have to, for now. “Yeah, you made mistakes, and you want a pardon. But my mistakes were never treated that way, never looked at as anything other than completely unforgivable. So don’t ask me to just look the other way for yours when I was never, ever extended that same courtesy. Not once!”
He looks at me sadly, and I think there is actually a glimmer of regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry for that, Hales. I am. It - I don’t know, I guess it was too easy to ignore that and focus on myself and my pain. I was young, and I didn’t know what I’d be giving up.”
“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” I sigh, looking away. “What’s done is done now, and there’s no going back.”
“Well, no, but there is going forward, right? That’s where we’re all going.”
I eye him warily. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Nathan.”
He clears his throat, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think we’re over, Hales. I think that there is more to our story, our song, and I miss you. God, I miss how I was back then, how we were. Life was so much better, and - “
“Where the hell is this coming from?” I burst out, uncomfortable. “Did life not go the way you thought it would, and you want to go back and relive the glory days?” I know I’m not being fair, but I can’t help myself. Besides, he isn’t being fair either, asking these things of me. “I’m not going to be what you use to fix things for yourself, Nathan.”
“What have you heard?” he grits out between clenched teeth. “Has Luke been talking about me? Damn him, he has no right. He never asked the whole story, so what gives him the right to go around and talk about me?”
So, I hit a nail on the head, or at least found a sore spot. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Luke and I never talk about you, Nathan. That’s just part of our unspoken agreement we have. So I don’t know anything about your life, where you are, what you’re doing. But I won’t be used. And I won’t be played with or toyed with because you’re bored, and want to turn back time. There’s just no place for that in my life.”
“He really hasn’t told you anything?” he asks softly, disregarding the rest. Reluctantly, I shake my head, confirming that I know nothing. “I should be the one to tell you. It’s my story to tell. I want to tell you, Haley.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” I say softly, breathing a sigh of relief when Peyton and Luke peek around the corner. I wave them over. “Well, I guess we’re going. Maybe I’ll see you later, Nathan.” Then again, maybe I won’t. “Take care of yourself.”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me with something akin to shock in his eyes. He’s actually surprised that I’m leaving him there, isn’t he? God, he’s got nerve. Steeling myself, I glance back over my shoulder at him as I follow Luke and Peyt down the stairs. To my surprise, he doesn’t look so shocked anymore; he looks resolved.
And I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it.
Chapter Five
Chapter Four - There Will Be No Easy Way Out
Sometimes in the end, it can all become new again.
They stare at me. All four of them just stare at me like I’m sprouting an extra head. Or like I’m an escapee from an insane asylum, more likely. Either way, all eyes are on me, and I don’t like it one bit. It doesn’t help quell the nervous, manic laughter, and it doesn’t do anything to bolster my self-confidence, either.
“Okay,” I exhale softly, choking to keep the laughter down. “Well, okay then.”
Fan-freaking-tastic. What is he doing here? Why is he sitting there with my friends? Why isn’t anyone kicking his ass out of here? “Well, that dance winded me; I’m going to go to the bar.”
Peyton immediately jumps up, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see Luke and Skillz stopping Nathan from following us. “Haley, slow down!” Peyt calls as I shove my way through the crowd in my hurried attempt to get to the alcohol. “What are you doing?”
“What do you think I’m doing?” I ask, giving her the ‘look’. “I’m getting drunk. Smashed, hammered, intoxicated, rip-roaring, staggering, falling on my face drunk.”
“Uh huh,” she nods, a wry half-smile playing about her lips. “And that’s a good idea how?”
“Well, it is certainly a better idea than standing around making small talk with him, like the rest of you are apparently inclined to do,” I snap, smiling in relief when the bartender comes over to us. “Two shots of tequila, two limes.”
She glances sideways at me as she picks up the shot glass that gets set in front of her. Sighing, she holds it out slightly. “Cheers,” she mutters flatly, knowing that there is nothing cheery about any of this.
“Bottoms up,” I counter, tapping my glass lightly against hers before throwing the tequila back. It burns, but that’s not a bad thing right now. No, the burning is there and real, and in a way, I need that right now.
She sighs again after downing her shot. She’s always been able to handle her liquor better than me, hence her never being busted sans clothing in a public place by the campus branch of the Keystone Kops. “Are you feeling better now?”
I return her earlier wry smile, shrugging slightly. Laughter is again trying to bubble its way out, but this time, I can keep it in. “I don’t know what I am now. I just…I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t want that. And I definitely did not need that.”
“I know,” she agrees immediately. “I know you don’t. I’m sorry, Haley. God, I can’t even tell you how sorry I am.”
“For what?” I blink, chewing on the edge of the lime. “It’s not your fault he’s here. It’s not your fault that I’m twenty-two, haven’t seen him in five years, and still can’t deal.”
“I dragged you here,” she sighs, running her fingers through her messy curls. “Not only to Tree Hill, but here tonight. I wanted to come out tonight, and because I’m so freaking selfish, you had to see him. I’m so sorry.”
Somehow, of all things, this elicits a small smile from me before I start laughing again, this time more genuinely. And one hundred percent less panicked. Okay, seventy-five percent, anyway. But it’s less, for sure. “Oh, Peyt, it’s so not your fault. Fate just hates me, I think. Or Karma. Something like that. Remember Kiki, that crazy girl in the room next to mine freshman year? She told me I had a bad aura. It’s manifesting again, I think.”
Peyton can only contain her snickering for a minute before she lets out a snort of laughter. “Oh, hell, I need another shot. Keep ‘em coming,” she tells the bartender, who just smiles and pulls the bottle back up from under the counter. “Nice. Okay, so are you okay? My god, I can’t believe he’s here. When he walked in, I didn’t even see him at first, but Luke got all tense and bot-like, so I figured it out pretty quick. Even Mouth, quiet, easy-going Mouth, got nervous and looked like he wanted to bolt. Or jump Nathan.”
“Okay, ew,” I manage to laugh, picking up the shot glass in front of me and tossing it back. “And secondly, what am I supposed to do? What’s the protocol? You know me, Peyt! I need structure for this or - or at least a generalized idea of the acceptable standards for handling such a situation!”
“Well, gee, I’m sorry, I left my ‘Divorced for Dummies’ copy in California, Hales! I don’t know!” she exclaims in exasperation. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. I guess…just do what feels natural.”
Scoffing, I nod when the bartender offers another shot, sliding a small bowl of lime wedges in between us. “Natural? Running until I hit the beaches of California feels natural right about now, but in these shoes, that isn’t an option.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “We can leave, Hales. Luke wouldn’t mind a bit. In fact, considering what he had been saying earlier, I think he’d be in whole-hearted agreement of that plan.”
I nod again, feeling the warmth of the tequila pooling in my belly. It’s nice, comforting somehow. It probably shouldn’t be, and it’s a little embarrassing to realize I have a familiarity with it, but in this moment, it’s nice. “I don’t want to be a coward, Peyton, and if I ran, isn’t that what I’d be? I - he doesn’t have that power over me now.” Taking a deep breath, I square my shoulders. Liquid courage - got it in spades tonight. “All the same, I don’t know what to say to him.”
“’Hi’ might be a good place to start,” she suggests blithely, her eyes twinkling with the flashing of the strobe light as she picks up her shot glass again. I think she’s a shot or two ahead of me, and considering that it is my ex-husband standing fifty feet across the room, that seems a little unfair. But, what can you do?
“I’m sure that’ll be a great place to start,” I giggle, my cheeks heating as the alcohol continues to course through my veins. “Just walk back over there, once I get over the whole coward thing, of course - “
“Of course!” she interrupts to agree.
“ - And just say ‘hi’! Yes, I see how that is a good plan,” I sigh, rolling my eyes even as I laugh with her. “I don’t know, I think sneaking out the back door might be the way to go. It’s probably only a ten minute walk back to your house. I could do that, don’t you think?”
She shakes her head. “Not in those shoes. And sorry, but I can’t let you do that. See, you, Haley James, have pride. And standards. And running away now would not be doing right by your pride, and it would be seriously below your standards. So no running. We’re going to take a few more shots - “ She ignores me when I snort at that idea. “No, we really are going to take a few more shots, and then we’re going back over to that table. And you will say ‘hi’. And I’ll give him the coldest shoulder he’s ever got, and you’ll have your pride and standards, and I’ll have been petty enough to make both of us feel a little bit better.”
I have to laugh at that, but I quickly sober. “Thanks,” I tell her solemnly, and I really mean it. Not just for the part where she’s going to act petty, because I do appreciate it, but for the part where she’s not going to let me do something she knows I’d regret. Something I’d make myself sick over after the fact.
“You never have to thank me,” she smiles, smirking at me when the shot glasses are filled again. “Good man,” she mutters as the bartender walks off. “Come on, we can both use this.” I nod my agreement, and we again salute each other before tossing the drinks back. “Oh, it burns in the good way.”
“Yeah, okay,” I sputter, my mouth and throat still not numbed to the potency of the liquor. “If this is good, I’d hate your bad.”
She grins wickedly. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”
I groan, rolling my eyes. “Okay, enough of that.” I suck in a deep breath of air, trying desperately to compose myself in even the tiniest of ways. “Okay, okay,” I mutter, wringing my hands together in a sign of nervousness. “I can do this. I can. Right?”
“Of course you can,” she agrees, her tone soothing and gentle, like she’s trying to calm a toddler having a temper tantrum. Great. That’s how this is going to be.
“Don’t do that,” I hiss at her, peevish and on edge. “Don’t you talk to me like I’m a child, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer!”
“Then don’t act like one,” she retorts, poking her tongue out at me, and I know that she’s purposely trying to rile me up. “You’re acting more juvenile than Maria right now.”
I bristle at her comparison of me to one of Chelsea’s friends, Mar. The girl is sweet as pie, but she doesn’t have a grown up bone in her body. “That was a rude comparison,” I growl, turning on slightly unsteady feet. “Damn it, why’d I wear these shoes again?”
“Because they make your legs look sooo fine,” Skills grins easily as he approaches, going so far as to reach down and pat my left calf for emphasis. “Shoot, girls, you smell like a distillery! What’ve you been doing?”
“What do you think?” Peyton giggles in a decidedly un-Peyton like way. “Are you flirting with Haley? That’s so cute.”
I roll my eyes, chancing a glance towards the table where we left the boys earlier. The tiny hope I was holding onto that Nathan would be gone is killed immediately when I lock gazes with him across the room. How long we stand there staring at each other, I’ll never know. But until Skills or Peyton - probably Peyton, given the fact that it is none too gentle - give me a shove to get me going, I can’t break my gaze away from his. Sucking in a nervous breath, I manage to force my legs to carry me to the table.
And when I get there, he doesn’t say anything. He stares at me, I stare at him, and the rest of them stare back and forth between both of us. It’s about the most disconcerting moment of my life, and it feels like it won’t ever end. Just as I open my mouth to say something - and no, I’m not sure what - he speaks.
“You look good, Hales.”
Well, that is unexpected. Nervously tucking an errant strand of hair behind my ear, I nod. “Thanks, so do you.”
He just grins at me, and somehow, that makes it all worse. He’s not supposed to…smile. He isn’t supposed to be glad to see me after all this time. He’s supposed to feel as awkward and uncomfortable as I do, and he’s supposed to squirm and shake and nervously ramble. No fair if it is only one sided.
“And so do I,” Peyton cuts in, stepping between us and breaking whatever weird spell it was that was keeping our gazes locked together. “But no one is here to talk about that. Right, Luke?”
“Yes, dear,” he parrots, giving me a questioning look. I give him a slight shake of the head to indicate that I’m fine, for now. “Uh, I guess we need a bigger table.”
Peyton shakes her head, her curls whipping wildly about her face. “Nope, we’ll just double up on laps again! I’m sure he is leaving, anyway.”
That draws my eyes back to him, and to my surprise and probably the tables at large, he just watches Peyt impassively. “I’ve got time to stay and visit.”
“Yippee,” Peyton mutters sarcastically, not-so-under her breath. “What a treat.”
“Peyton,” Luke sighs, glancing at her in exasperation before turning to glare at Nathan. I feel so out of the loop here that it is ridiculous.
Mouth stands up, taking initiative. “Look, let’s move to that table in the corner. It’s big enough for everyone, I should think.” When no one moves, he throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Look, if you’re all going to act like children, fine. But I’m going to go sit down at the big, corner booth.”
Clearly not knowing what else to do, Skills moves to follow. Peyton catches my eye, and we have a silent conversation before she goes after them, closely followed by me. When in doubt, stick to the one most likely to be on your side. Nathan follows next, to my confusion, and then Luke trips along after him.
Awkward, awkward, awkward, awkward. I hate this, loathe it, despise it with the fire of a thousand burning suns. I’m so far out of my element that it feels like I’m lost and won’t be able to find my way home. “So, we should go around the table and catch up or something,” Mouth suggests when no one else moves to break the silence. “I mean, I’ve heard stories here and there, but it’d be great to hear more.” He glances over at Luke with a mischievous look on his face. “’Cept you, pal. You’ve bored us more than enough as it is. Don’t need to hear any of your stories again!”
“Well, don’t everyone jump in at once,” Skills chuckles ruefully. Luke shoves at his arm, giving him a significant look. “Fine, I guess I’ll start. Went to community college on a partial scholarship, ended up at NC State my last two years playing with the big boys.”
“And losing every time you went up against the real big boys,” Nathan ribs him, but his tone is surprisingly friendly and genial. He’s tight around the mouth as he says it, though, which strikes me as odd.
“Whatever,” Skills scowls. “Don’t go there with me.” Luke looks irritated at the banter, for whatever reason. “Anyway, I got to play, and that’s all I cared about. There were fringe benefits, sure - the girls, you know? But I’m a hottie so I’d have gotten them anyway.”
Luke rolls his eyes and Nathan casts his downward, strikes me as odd. “Man, what a whitewash job that was,” Luke ribs Skills. “You could at least cough up a few of your dirtier details.”
Mouth grins. “Or, for sanity’s sake, a few of the cleaner ones. C’mon, Skills, tell them about the semester you spent all your time flirting with the TA in your math class and studying all of your spare time, and you still only got a C!”
“Hey, at least I tried,” Skills shrugs shamelessly. “That’s about two grades better than if there’d been no flirting!”
Peyton and I both grin at that, and Luke just shakes his head. Nathan continues to sit there, seemingly paying attention to the conversation, but it’s rather obvious that most of his focus is on me. Noticing my discomfort, Peyton tugs on Luke’s sleeve. “Flag the waiter down, babe. I could use a drink to wash down those shots.”
Luke groans. “You were doing shots? Oh, hell, Haley was doing shots?”
“She’s a big girl now, legal even. Why’s that so bad?” Skills asks, his brow furrowed in confusion. He breaks into a smile when he gets it. “Ah, she’s a lightweight, isn’t she?”
“I am not,” I deny mildly, wrenching my gaze away from Nathan. “That is so not the case. I’m just not an alcoholic like Miss ‘Let’s Do Tequila Shots Until We Can’t Feel Our Legs’ there.”
Peyton sighs, reaching out to pat me on the hand. “Well, you’re not exactly a heavy drinker, Hales. And we did have quite a few shots.” She laughs at my dubious expression. “Okay, fine, you can hold your own now. But a few years ago, I had to drag you home.”
I roll my eyes at her exaggeration, grateful for the slight and definitely temporary distraction from Nathan. “Like you ever did any dragging, chicken legs.”
“I wouldn’t mind seeing you draped all over Peyton, Hales,” Skills winks, earning laughter from me and Mouth, smacks upside the head from Peyt and Luke, and a deep scowl from Nathan. Nathan, god, he’s here. It just keeps hitting me upside the head, even though I know it.
“Anyway,” I drawl out, giving Peyton and Luke what Chels calls my ‘scary mommy’ look until they stop swatting at Skills. “What about you, Mr. McFadden? Enlighten us on your glory days.”
“Do they really count as glory days when you’re struggling to figure out your sexuality and dealing with the fall out of that?” Mouth shrugs, smirking when both Luke and Skills protest, calling his bluff. “Okay, fine, it wasn’t that bad.”
Skills rolls his eyes. “Not that bad? You had a boyfriend before I’d even talked to a single girl,” he grumbles. “I’d say that’s definitely ‘not bad’!”
I lean forward, grinning at Mouth. “Really? You moved that fast? Good for you, Mouth; always knew you had it in you.”
He laughs, his shoulders lifting in a bashful shrug. “I don’t know, it really wasn’t anything. I just got lucky, really.”
“We should all be so lucky,” I sigh, batting my eyes at him, laughing when Peyton hooks an arm over my shoulder. “It’s great, though, Mouth.”
“Which part?” he laughs.
“All of it,” Peyt chimes in. “I know a few people who had a rough time of it. Admitting to themselves, their friends, family…I’m not making light or saying you had it easy, but I think since you’re so comfortable with yourself, that in a way, it probably made it easier.”
He smiles at her, and even Nathan manages to nod his agreement though his eyes remain affixed on me. “Probably,” Mouth agrees. “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but that’s probably because it just made so much sense when I realized it.” He grins at her. “What about you?”
“Me?” she laughs, reaching out and grabbing Luke’s hand. The sweet simplicity of the act has me craving things I didn’t even realize I missed, and I have to swallow painfully as I look away. “I’ve been in California living the California girl life. Really, there’s not much interesting to my life anyway. School, art, cheer, and Haley, that’s how I spent my time.”
“She says it like she was my babysitter,” I laugh, shaking my head. “Anyway, you’re glossing over things. You could tell them about Kelly.”
Her mouth drops open, surprised I’d bring that up. “I - you - Haley!” she exclaims, pouting. “You were never supposed to mention that creeper again!”
I shrug, getting a slightly mean enjoyment out of her discomfort. Oh, it’s not like she’ll hesitate to bring up slightly embarrassing things about me. Then again, I probably shouldn’t have been the one to start it tonight. “It’s not that big of a deal, Peyt. You can’t help it that everyone falls in deep, desperate love with you.”
“That wasn’t love!” she exclaims, ignoring Luke as he tries to get her attention. No, all her attention is focused on me, her eyes telling me not to reveal the kicker. She goes on, “That was craziness, that’s what that was!”
“She was a little whacked,” I agree, smiling sweetly at her as all Hell breaks loose around us. Luke’s jaw drops open, and Mouth just shakes his head at me, smiling slightly. Skills appears to be one thought away from drooling, and Nathan actually spit-takes the beer he’s drinking. Peyton just glares at me, which is exactly what I expected.
“I cannot believe you,” she hisses at me, her finger wagging in my face. “I will get you back so, so good, Haley! Don’t think I won’t. I know your secrets, and I will so pick a good one to drop at the most inopportune time ever.”
I just laugh, leaning back in my seat as Luke finally finds his words. “What the hell is this all about? You had some girl stalking you?”
Peyton shoots me one last Look before turning to Luke. “She wasn’t stalking me, exactly. She just flirted, a lot, and spent a lot of time in the same places I was. Honestly, I don’t even know if it was flirting so much as she just really liked me. Or wanted to be me.”
Nathan visibly shudders as he flags the waitress down. “I think we need another round here,” he tells her, his gaze sliding back to me. It is beginning to get uncomfortable, the way he is staring at me. I wish he’d either say something to me, whatever it is that he’s thinking, or just stop and find something more interesting to look at. At this point, I don’t care, but it has to stop. After the waitress writes down our orders, I stand up.
“You know what? I think I’m going to go now. I can get started on packing, and then we’ll - “
“You can’t leave yet. I mean, you haven’t regaled us with your stories of college life yet,” Nathan protests quietly, his gaze sharpening in intensity. “No fair leaving without sharing with the rest of the class.”
“Not to agree with him,” Peyton sighs, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes, “But you’ve had too much to drink to drive, and like you already pointed out, those aren’t the shoes for walking.”
Not looking at Nathan, I give a tense smile to the rest of them. “I’ll call a cab. No big. I know where the key is, so it’ll be fine. I guess I’m a bit more tired than I thought I was.”
Nathan stands up, too, and for a second I’m afraid Luke will as well. “I thought we could talk tonight, catch up.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I sigh as I avoid his gaze. The waitress comes back, placing our drinks on the table and staring at us curiously. Not knowing what else to do, I sit back down and pick up my drink. “Well, can’t let the drink go to waste.”
“Hales, I wanted - “
“Oh, stuff it, Nathan,” Luke pipes up angrily. “No one asked what you wanted, not that that’s ever stopped you. What are you doing here, anyway?”
Nathan’s eyes darken with some emotion that I can’t quite recognize as he just stares back at his older half-brother. I close my eyes, not wanting this to escalate to something it doesn’t need to be. “Luke, it’s fine, just leave it.”
Nathan glances at me, reaching out and touching me lightly on the arm. “Could we talk? Outside and alone for a few minutes?”
Staring at him now, I don’t know what to say. It’s not that I haven’t ever thought of this meeting. Maybe there wasn’t a conscious assumption that it would happen, but there’s enough chance in life (and I have wicked bad luck sometimes) that I couldn’t dismiss the possibility of it out of hand, either. And here it is. And he wants to talk.
“What - there isn’t really anything to talk about,” I manage to get out without stammering over my words like a nervous fool, which is something more of an accomplishment than it sounds.
He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I suppose that’s a possibility. Seeing as I’m sitting here trying desperately to pretend like this isn’t the most abnormal experience of my life. “I think there’s actually a lot we could talk about. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Hales.”
“And whose choice was that?” I snap, unable to help myself. God, I wish I could call those words back as he rolls his eyes and the rest of them look down at the table in what I’m sure is embarrassment for me. “Oh, whatever. You want to talk outside? Fine, go. Let’s talk outside. As usual, you can have your way.”
“I don’t always get my way,” he mutters, glaring at Peyton when she looks up and snorts at him in laughter. “Shut up, Sawyer.” He looks over at me. “Let’s go.”
His voice is colder then, and I wonder if I should’ve held my ground and just refused. At least if he was going to get pissy with me for not going outside, I had Peyton and Luke and the boys there with me. Outside it will just be me, with no one to back me up. Just me and him, like old times.
When we get out there, I don’t say anything. I’m sure he expects me to start, but I don’t know what it is that he wants to hear, and frankly I’m too tired to say the wrong thing now. “How’ve you been?” he asks after a prolonged pause.
“Oh, um, fine, I guess. You?” Asinine. This is so completely asinine. We haven’t spoken in five years, and now that we are, it’s trivialities like this? Stupid.
“It varies, how I am. Sometimes things were good, and sometimes they were as bad as you could imagine.” What does that mean? “You liked college? I heard you were a cheerleader.” I must make some face, because he rushes on to clarify. “My mother told me. I’m sure she heard all about it from Karen. She likes to brag about you. Almost as much as she does Luke. Probably because you’re so much prettier.”
Is he flirting with me? Oh, hell, no. How dare he, how dare he make me come out here and act all la-di-da, life is grand, let’s be goofy and flirty, and pretend like nothing happened? He does not get to do this, he does not get to act like everything is fine and dandy and it hasn’t been five years since we’ve even spoken.
“What do you want?” I bite out, colder than I intend, far icier than I really feel. He visibly recoils, shifting back away from me.
“I just wanted to talk to you, Hales. I - I’ve missed you. Maybe I didn’t have that right, maybe I still don’t, but it doesn’t change it. I’ve missed you. A lot.”
Staring past him to the wall, I shake my head. “Please don’t do that. It’s not fair, if you do this, it is not fair, Nathan. I - I have come to terms with things, and you don’t get to drag me out here and mess with my head.”
He blinks, reaching out to trail a hand down my bare arm. “Why would you think I was doing that? Come on, Hales, a tiny bit of credit would be appreciated.”
“No,” I state firmly, standing my ground (by jerking backwards). “No, credit is not mine to give you. I - we don’t know each other anymore. I don’t know what you’ve done the last five years, I don’t know how school went, or who your friends were, or who you loved. And you don’t know that about me, either. Our paths diverged, and there’s just a whole lot of emptiness between us now.”
What? Where is this coming from? It couldn’t be me saying it, could it? I wouldn’t be so harsh, I wouldn’t be taking this anger out on him, not when I’ve worked through it, right? RIGHT? Crap, crap, double crap.
He stares at me, reaching a hand out to trace his fingers over my cheek, but I can’t move back any further because the railing is at my hip. “You don’t mean that, Hales. I - I know that I messed up when I cut you out of my life. Don’t you think that I know that? It took all of about a month before I figured that out! Maybe I’m not the smartest guy on the block, but I’m not completely bereft in the brain department, either. I know I made a huge mistake. And I know you don’t mean it, at least, not that harsh.”
I shrug, frowning as I glare mutinously over his shoulder at some indeterminate place on the wall. “I don’t particularly want to do this, Nathan. It isn’t what I came back here for, and it isn’t why I’m standing here now.”
“Then why did you come back here?” he challenges. “And don’t give me that crap about Peyton and moving, because that’s bull.”
“No, it isn’t,” I tell him softly. And it isn’t. I hadn’t had a clue that Nathan was in town, and if I’d known, I probably would’ve been too much of a coward to get within three states of here. So he’s definitely off the mark on that one. “Look, I came back for Peyton, because she needed me. Maybe that’s not why I’m standing out here with you,” I admit, “But it is why I came back. I didn’t know you were here.”
Hurt flashes across his face before a mask of indifference slides over it. “You didn’t know? I - well, I figured Luke the Golden Boy would’ve told you.”
I shrug, ignoring the hurt on his face and the bitterness in his voice. Does he really have the right to be either of those things now? “He didn’t. Not until we got here. We have this thing where we don’t talk about anything awkward or uncomfortable, so I didn’t know.” Taking a deep breath, I make eye contact. “Look, you made it clear how you felt, that you didn’t want to be near me. I’ve respected that, and I’ve made my peace with it. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough for you, but I don’t know what else to do. You were the one who ended things, not me.”
“I made a mistake!” he exclaims, throwing his hands in the air in extreme frustration. “I made one huge mistake, and you’re going to hold it over my head now, five years later? I was a kid, Haley! I did dumb things, a lot of them! And maybe that was the dumbest of them all!”
I ignore the last part - I have to, for now. “Yeah, you made mistakes, and you want a pardon. But my mistakes were never treated that way, never looked at as anything other than completely unforgivable. So don’t ask me to just look the other way for yours when I was never, ever extended that same courtesy. Not once!”
He looks at me sadly, and I think there is actually a glimmer of regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry for that, Hales. I am. It - I don’t know, I guess it was too easy to ignore that and focus on myself and my pain. I was young, and I didn’t know what I’d be giving up.”
“Well, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?” I sigh, looking away. “What’s done is done now, and there’s no going back.”
“Well, no, but there is going forward, right? That’s where we’re all going.”
I eye him warily. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Nathan.”
He clears his throat, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think we’re over, Hales. I think that there is more to our story, our song, and I miss you. God, I miss how I was back then, how we were. Life was so much better, and - “
“Where the hell is this coming from?” I burst out, uncomfortable. “Did life not go the way you thought it would, and you want to go back and relive the glory days?” I know I’m not being fair, but I can’t help myself. Besides, he isn’t being fair either, asking these things of me. “I’m not going to be what you use to fix things for yourself, Nathan.”
“What have you heard?” he grits out between clenched teeth. “Has Luke been talking about me? Damn him, he has no right. He never asked the whole story, so what gives him the right to go around and talk about me?”
So, I hit a nail on the head, or at least found a sore spot. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Luke and I never talk about you, Nathan. That’s just part of our unspoken agreement we have. So I don’t know anything about your life, where you are, what you’re doing. But I won’t be used. And I won’t be played with or toyed with because you’re bored, and want to turn back time. There’s just no place for that in my life.”
“He really hasn’t told you anything?” he asks softly, disregarding the rest. Reluctantly, I shake my head, confirming that I know nothing. “I should be the one to tell you. It’s my story to tell. I want to tell you, Haley.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” I say softly, breathing a sigh of relief when Peyton and Luke peek around the corner. I wave them over. “Well, I guess we’re going. Maybe I’ll see you later, Nathan.” Then again, maybe I won’t. “Take care of yourself.”
He doesn’t say anything, just stares at me with something akin to shock in his eyes. He’s actually surprised that I’m leaving him there, isn’t he? God, he’s got nerve. Steeling myself, I glance back over my shoulder at him as I follow Luke and Peyt down the stairs. To my surprise, he doesn’t look so shocked anymore; he looks resolved.
And I’m not sure what that means, and I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it.
Chapter Five