'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Five
Prologue *** Chapter One *** Chapter Two *** Chapter Three *** Chapter Four
All I ask is that you read all the way through this one; misunderstandings abound!
Chapter Five - It’s Never Gone, It Doesn’t Matter What For
When the Truth Hurts, It Cannot Set You Free
When I wake up the next morning, I feel amazingly clearheaded. Not only am I free of the effects of the alcohol, but certain things have coalesced in my mind and I’ve recognized that there are things in my life that I need to change.
Seeing Nathan and talking to him again really drove home the point that I’m still hung up on the past - not on him, necessarily, but what we had and all the things that happened between us - and that I need to deal with it. Finally. After I left Tree Hill, I shoved everything about my life here aside, except for Peyton, Luke, and Karen. I tried not to think about Nathan and everything that happened with him, and in a lot of ways, I was successful at that. Unfortunately, not thinking about it led to me managing to sidestep dealing with it.
I need to do it now, and there is no way around that. It’s pretty obvious. Now that I’ve let myself think about it some, it is painfully obvious that a lot of the decisions I’ve made and things I’ve done and/or not done have been directly related to what happened with Nathan. Looking back, it is the ‘not done’ list that concerns me the most. How many opportunities or people have I let pass me by because that are a direct result of the hang-ups I developed because I never dealt with these issues? I don’t know, but I can’t deny that there are some.
Rolling over when my door opens, I smile as a bleary-eyed Peyton stumbles through it and over to my bed, collapsing next to me. “G’morning, Sunshine,” I grin as she groans in pain. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I drank my weight in rubbing alcohol,” she moans, burying her face in the blankets. “Why are you so chipper? That is not normal. You are not normal, Haley James.”
“I think I had an epiphany,” I tell her, turning serious. “After seeing Nathan last night, I realized that I need to deal with the past. With the whole Nathan-in-the-room thing.” I glare at her back when she snorts out a laugh. “Shut up. I’m sure everyone and their blind great-uncle knew that I had issues with this, but I’m just now getting it, okay?”
She rolls over, popping one eye open to look at me. “You got it finally, huh?” she muses quietly, sympathy in her eyes. “So, what does this mean? What are you going to do?”
Sighing, I burrow deeper into the pillows behind me. “I don’t know. Any suggestions?” She rolls her eyes at me. “I don’t know, Peyt. Really, what should I do?”
“See a shrink,” she suggests, some of her hangover apparently forgotten as she grins at me. “You seriously want to know what I think would be best for you? When we get back home, you go out on some dates. Not necessarily with Chad, even though I think he’d be great for you and he’s gorgeous, but just get out there. Let yourself enjoy the process and let some guy fawn over you.”
“You think that dating is going to cure me?” I ask, not entirely surprised she has brought this subject up. It isn’t the first time, and in a way, this is sort of the same conclusion I had come to. Good to know I’m on the right track?
“No, of course not,” Peyton retorts, poking me in the ribs. “But I do think it would be good for you if you put yourself out there a little bit. You’ve barely dated the last few years, and when you did, it was always with guys that there was no chance of getting serious with.” I open my mouth to protest that, but quickly snap it shut as I realize that she is right. “Yeah, I’m right,” she notes with a triumphant look when she opens her eyes long enough to see I figured that much out. “I knew you’d figure it out eventually, and I knew you needed to do it on your own. That’s why I never said anything.”
I nod, only vaguely paying attention to her as I mull over my latest realization. God, I hope this whole trip isn’t like this. My self-esteem can’t take the beating. “Oh, God, Peyton. I - I think I might’ve purposely tanked things with Blake!” I whisper loudly, a little horrified over just how deep this particular pathos seems to run. “I’m a mess. I am an emotionally crippled, relationship challenged freak of a mess!”
And with that outburst on my part, Peyton breaks into loud giggles, only pausing to clutch at her head and moan in pain. “Ow. Don’t make me laugh again,” she sighs, squeezing her eyes shut. “And I’m sorry, I’m not really laughing at you.” I give her the stink eye, and she smiles. “Okay, maybe I am. But you aren’t that bad. You’re not emotionally crippled, and you could rock out a relationship if you were so inclined.”
“Date,” I sigh, reaching up to pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “That kind of seems like a way to keep avoiding everything.”
“You’re not avoiding everything,” she corrects, pushing her messy curls off her face. “You’re avoiding putting yourself in a position where you’d be vulnerable again, like you were with Nathan. Because you, my friend, are afraid that you’d end up getting burned again. I totally get it, you know, and don’t blame you at all. But you’re my friend, my best friend, and I want you to be happy.”
“And dating will make me happy,” I mutter dully, not sure what I’m supposed to take from all this. “What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m just a relationship spaz and I’ll never, ever have a good one again? Did you think about that?”
She rolls her eyes at that. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Okay, I didn’t mean that as harshly as it came out. But Hales, you’ve taken every bit of blame for what happened with Nathan onto yourself. What about what he did? He’s culpable in this, too.”
“I know,” I sigh, rolling onto my side to face her. “I do know that. Maybe that’s what I need to deal with, right?”
“That’s probably a big part of it,” she agrees, looking a little hesitant. “Maybe that’s most of it, Hales. I don’t know. It makes sense that it would be.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. If this was someone else’s situation, I’d be thinking the same thing. How can I discount that just because I don’t want to think about some of these things? “I guess I’ll have to deal with everything then,” I note with an even tone.
Peyton, giving me a grim smile, also nods. “Well, that pretty much sucks, right? But once you do it, things will be better, and you can actually move on. Not just compartmentalize and shove things away, pretending to forget about them, but actually take them for what they are and move away from them.”
“Frankly? That sounds like heaven.” Shaking my head, I can’t help but laugh as I look over at her. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that I am completely messed up?”
“I thought you knew,” she giggles back me, and we both start laughing like slightly crazed lunatics. That, of course, is how Lucas comes in to find us.
I spot him first, as Peyton’s back is to the bed. Pointing him out to her, still laughing, I wave at him. “Is this what you two spend your time doing?” he asks, moving to sit at the foot of the bed. “Girls are weird.”
Peyton and I just laugh harder at that until she falls back, clutching her head. “Oh, God, this hangover is a nightmare,” she moans.
Luke rolls his eyes. “Why aren’t you in agony, Hales? You drank quite a bit, too.”
“She’s in emotional agony,” Peyton teases, prompting the oh-so-mature response of me sticking my tongue out at her. “Okay, not agony, but she’s had a - what did you call it? Oh, yes, she’s had an epiphany.”
“Uh huh,” Luke nods slowly, his brow crinkling as he looks back and forth between the two of us. “And what exactly did this epiphany consist of, Hales?”
A little embarrassed (to just now be getting what everyone else already has), I shrug. “Basically, I’ve pulled my head out, and I realized that I need to deal with the whole Nathan mess.”
Luke frowns at that. “What does that mean? More conversations like the one last night? That didn’t seem to turn out particularly well for either of you.”
“No, no,” I rush to reassure him - and myself. There is no way that will be the case. “I don’t want to deal with Nathan in person anymore. This is going to be about me finally facing all the things that happened at the end of our junior year, dealing with them, and moving on. Peyton and I both think that…well, Peyt?”
Rolling her eyes a little, Peyton nods and continues for me. “It’s possible, maybe probable, that a lot of what happened with Nathan is big hang-ups for her, and she can’t move on until she gets past them.”
Still frowning, Luke manages to nod at that. “Well, yeah, I know it was tough to get married and divorced by seventeen and yeah, Nathan was a huge jerk, but I’m not sure exactly what you need to deal with, Hales.”
Peyton and I exchange a glance, and when she shrugs at my verbally unasked question, I nod. “I never told you why I finally decided to let Nathan go, to give up,” I tell him softly. As pissed as he has been at Nathan, for Dan and other reasons that I probably don’t know all of, this is only going to make it worse. “I saw him, with Brooke. They were in our car at the river court, and they were…well, I’m sure it isn’t too hard to figure out what those two would be doing together.”
To my surprise - and obviously Peyton’s to, since she looks at me with a furrowed brow - Luke doesn’t much react. After half a minute of him just looking back and forth between the two of us, he starts laughing, actually shocking us both. “I - what is wrong with you, Luke?” Peyton demands angrily. When he just laughs harder, we both sit up, and Peyton growls in frustration. “I cannot believe you!”
“You’re laughing about that?” I sputter indignantly. “Some friend you are! This - this is a lot of things, but it isn’t funny!”
“No, it isn’t,” he agrees, sobering instantly and giving us a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry, Hales. It’s - look, I knew, okay? I went down to the river court one day during our junior year, and they were there, in the car like you said. Can’t believe we both found them.”
I don’t react at all; what is there to say? It’s just confirmation of something I’ve known for a long time now, right?
Flopping back on the bed, I just shake my head. “Well, I almost wish I’d known that. It might’ve made it easier to work past my feelings for Nathan if I’d known other people knew about their, dare I say, relationship.”
Peyton leans her head on my shoulder. “You don’t know that it was that. In fact, I’d bet it wasn’t. Come on, Hales. Guys never flocked to Brooke because she was relationship material.”
“Well, no offense, but that doesn’t help much,” I laugh, not feeling any humor however. “I mean, yay? My husband didn’t have a relationship with her, just…that? Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Look, like Peyton said, you know Brooke. She’s…not really one to be deterred by an initial ‘no', so she probably pushed him to it,” Luke suggests weakly, looking like he feels horrible for having said anything. “Damn it, Hales. I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want you to think about these things. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”
That shakes something in me a little, at least to the point that I can nod and respond. “I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to completely wreck every last, little bit of a bond that you and Nathan had.”
Peyton grins at that, shaking her head. “Look at you two, all protective of each other. It’s just about the sweetest thing ever. You know, maybe if Brooke had grown up with you two instead of me, she wouldn’t have turned out to be such a man-eating little ho-bag, right?”
“You know what? I don’t want to talk about her,” I state resolutely. And I don’t, I really, really don’t. I certainly can’t pretend that I was never married, that I never loved Nathan with absolutely everything in me, but I can absolutely pretend, without a single qualm, that Brooke Davis was never my friend. Because really, is there anyone who would make the case that she was? Maybe, but no one could ever win that argument, that’s at least for sure.
“I - okay, fine by me,” Luke agrees, exchanging a glance with Peyton. It’s a little irritating, them communicating silently about me as though I’m not even here, but I can let it go for now. Getting into that is really not what I need right now, and besides that, it’ll be more fun (for me) when Peyton isn’t looking like she got hit by a Mack truck.
Resolutely, I push myself off the bed, padding across the room to where my suitcase sits, open. Pulling out a tank top and a pair of shorts, I grab my towel and head for the bathroom, not bothering to say anything. They can stay and discuss this if they want, but I really don’t care to be involved. I’m going to have to at some point, but it isn’t going to be while I’m in Tree Hill. Everything just hits way too close to home here, and I don’t want it to be like that.
By the time I get out of the shower, the house is empty but there is a note from Peyton saying that she and Luke had run to the café to pick up some breakfast. Relaxing a little, I take the time to dry my hair and put on a little makeup, just in case we have to run out for boxes or something later in the day. With my luck, I’d run into someone I really don’t want to, so for that alone, it is worth the effort to put on some makeup.
They aren’t gone long, but it is enough to let me find a little perspective. When whatever Nathan and Brooke had was going on, that was after Nathan had asked for a divorce. In that sense, I have no right to be upset about it. For him, our relationship was over then, and why would he bother honoring any lingering sense of loyalty he might have to me, right?
Still…it hurt. It hurts still. But it wouldn’t have hurt any if he had waited until three days, three weeks, or three months after the divorce was finalized, so what difference did it make, right? This is one of those things I need to get over because Peyton is right, even if she didn’t say it in so many words - it is a confidence breaker. Nathan being able to find someone so quickly, so easily after he filed for divorce completely shook me.
It’s still with me now. It is because it was such a blow to the self-esteem that had already taken a severe beating before he point-blank requested the divorce. That it was so easy to move on for him, that was probably worse than anything. Expecting celibacy from him would’ve been an impossible and ridiculous wish, but it was still a direct blow to my ego that he moved on so fast.
“Hey, you okay?” Luke asks softly, startling me out of my reverie. Brushing a few strands of hair that escaped from my ponytail off my face, I smile up at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Luke. Really, I am.”
He raises his eyebrows at that, obviously disbelieving. “Hales, that’s - I mean, it’s okay if you’re not okay.”
Laughing, I roll my eyes at that as I get to my feet. Huh, maybe I’m a little more okay than even I thought. “It’s not so bad as all that,” I counter. “Look, it sucks. What happened, how things ended, how both of us acted, pretty much all of our junior sucked for me and Nathan. But it’s over and done with, and let’s face the facts: I don’t have the right to get mad at him for things he did after he ended things between us.”
He looks so doubtful at that assertion that I grab his face between my hands (squeezing a little harder than necessary, of course) and stare him down. “Luke, I know it’s messed up, and maybe he should’ve just…waited until the divorce was final. But he didn’t, and our relationship was indeed over, so what did he owe me? Nothing. He didn’t owe me anything.”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe he owed you…what’s the opposite of nothing? Yeah, that would be everything, wouldn’t it?”
“Luke,” I sigh, shaking my head. I know where he’s going with that, and he just…can’t. I don’t want him to, and he doesn’t need to anymore.
He rolls his eyes, but stops. “Fine, I’ll let Peyton say it later, because you know she will. And she doesn’t shut up as easily as I do, so good luck with that.”
Trying to fight back a laugh, I give it up as a bad try when he catches my eye and bursts out laughing, too. “Yeah, thanks,” I giggle before turning towards him on a sigh. “Luke, don’t feel sorry for me, okay? Just because my still-then-husband was sleeping with a former friend, it doesn’t mean that I’m all fragile and whatever. I’m so over this.” As his jaw drops and his eyes widen in surprise, I roll my eyes in return. “Fine, I’ll get over it. Better, Mr. Semantics?”
“Haley, I - what?” he groans, shaking his head. “Oh, crap. Hales, he didn’t sleep with Brooke.”
“What? Luke, you said you saw them together, and I saw them and Brooke was down to her bra, so - “
“Brooke was down to her bra within days of officially meeting me, too,” he points out, laughing wryly. “Look, just trust me, they might’ve messed around once, initiated by Brooke, who admitted that much to me, but I really - I mean it, I really believe it never went further than that.”
Staring at him, I honestly don’t know what to say to him, to this. I mean, what? Where the hell is this coming from? “Did your brain fall out of your head on the way back here from the store?” I ask, not very graciously. “Luke, we just talked about this an hour ago.”
He shakes his head. “No, I misunderstood - damn it. I thought, no, I assumed that we were talking about the same things, but obviously. Haley, I know he didn’t sleep with Brooke. I’m sorry I let you think otherwise. He told me he didn’t, and believe me, he wasn’t capable of thinking up a lie at that time. He was telling the truth.”
Peyton chooses that minute to walk out here, looking back and forth between the two of us. “Who was telling the truth about what?”
”He says that Nathan never slept with Brooke,” I tell her, my eyes still on Lucas. “He says that he thought we were talking about the same thing earlier, but that we weren’t.” I shake my head. “Oh, and he’s sorry.”
“Luke, Haley saw Nathan and Brooke together. Sorry,” she winces, throwing a glance my way. “I don’t know why you’re defending him now, not after you said you saw them together, too!”
“I said I saw them!” he acknowledges grumpily. “But I never said that I saw them having sex. God, do you think my eyes would’ve remained unbleached if I had witnessed that monstrosity? Plus, Haley, I would’ve told you if it had been that serious.”
Despite the heat of the June morning, I wrap my arms around my middle, rubbing my hands over my bare arms. “Luke, I saw them. With my own eyes, and - “
“I know what you saw, and it stopped there,” he insists, and I can’t help but wonder where the hell this loyalty is coming from. He’s given the aura of being even angrier with Nathan than I am, and yet here he is, defending him? “You guys, I dragged him out of the car, and I was ready to just fight it out with him that night, but he was too drunk to even stand.”
“So he was drunk,” Peyton snips. “What does that mean, anyway?”
Luke shrugs. “It means that he was drunk enough to remove the filter from his mouth. He told me all sorts of things that I didn’t want to hear, and some that I did. That he hadn’t done anything with Brooke, that was one of the things I did need to hear.”
Peyton’s eyes are wide, and she shakes her head. “Luke, if you aren’t sure about this, and you’re dragging Haley through the wringer for nothing, I’ll kick your ass back to Austin. I don’t even care.”
“He’s not,” I interject, knowing both of them well enough to know they both mean the things they’ve been saying. “He’s telling the truth, and you know it, Peyt. I just don’t know…but I saw it, and - “
“Hales, he - he swore, up and down, that he hadn’t been with Brooke.”
“Apparently sucking face while scantily clad in a car isn’t ‘being with’,” Peyton snarks, prompting a giggle from me. God, this is not funny, but the fact that what Nathan had done had gone from devastating to obliterating to embarrassing in the span of forty-five minutes was really playing with my emotions.
Taking a deep breath, I bite my lower lip as I shrug. “So, okay. Well. I guess it doesn’t matter, then? I mean, it’s - it isn’t any worse than it was before, so let’s just forget about it, right? For now,” I amend when Peyton looks sharply at me, obviously ready to call me out on the ‘deal with it’ thing.
Moving in front of me, Peyton pulls me into a hug. “This doesn’t really change anything,” she notes as she pulls away. “If our Karma is so messed up that we bump into Brooke Davis while we’re here, you are still going to kick her ass.”
Nodding, I smile at the two of them. The one I muster probably isn’t as bright as usual, but it seems to suffice as they both let things drop. “Well, let’s get to packing then.”
We work through lunch, sorting through things and packing up those that Peyton wishes to keep. A couple of times I catch her staring at something with tears in her eyes, and before she can throw those things in the giveaway pile, I take them from her and put in a box. I never ask what those things are or why they’re important to her, but I won’t let her throw them out when they are. And she’s not one to want to keep things like that, things that might make her feel. If I didn’t know her so well, inside and out, I wouldn’t have done it on her behalf, but I do know her that well.
Lunch rolls around, and we run through a drive-thru in town, none of us really in the mood to stop by the café. Luke does invite us for dinner, though, laying the guilt trip by reminding us that Karen is looking forward to seeing each of us. A little unfair, but entirely true and both Peyt and I want to see her, too.
“Well?” Luke asks, surveying our work as the dinner hour approaches. “What do you two think? We made a lot of progress today, so can we please go to the café and get some decent food?”
They both look at me expectantly, and so I nod in response. Saying no isn’t an option, but the way they’re both treating me like I’m made of spun glass is about as frustrating as it can get.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I tell them, fixing each of them in turn with my sternest look. “I’m fine. Stop looking at me like I’m going to freak out and throw a fit in the middle of the house, the street, the diner. That isn’t going to happen. Nothing has changed, okay? I still feel the way I felt yesterday, and nothing is going to happen to change that while we’re here. When I’m back in the lovely California sun and smog, then I - or we, whatever - can take a look at things.”
“No, no,” Peyton interrupts quickly, a guilty expression on her face. “We’re sorry. You don’t deserve to have us watching you like you’re a child with hurt feelings, and you definitely don’t need us trying to project feelings onto you. So…that stops.”
Luke nods his agreement, and I can’t help but smile at the two of them. For all of any of our faults, the three of us really are lucky to have each other. They are definitely people that I don’t take for granted, and even when they’re pissing me off, I know that they still have my best interests at heart. Despite having a big and mostly loving family, that isn’t exactly something I have a lot of, which puts me in the same boat as both of them.
We talk quietly on the way to the diner, but it’s good, pleasant conversation. We trade stories about our respective graduations and the accompanying parties. Luke laughs when I tell - with many interjections from Peyton - the story behind my blonde hair, and we all crack up when Luke tells us about his roommate’s very unlucky forays into love. It’s fun, and I’m actually relaxed by the time we get there, which is no small feat.
“Deb’s there again,” Peyton whispers to me after Luke gets out of the car. I nod, having noticed that right away myself. “She was on good behavior last time, so hopefully she can hold that over through tonight, right?”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I agree because why wouldn’t it? There’s nothing that Deb can say that would hurt or upset me anymore. When I was sixteen, even seventeen, things were different, but now she has no hold over me and no interest in my life. “Is your mom’s extra cheesy mac and cheese still on the menu?” I ask Luke abruptly, grinning when he nods. “I have actually had dreams about that mac and cheese over the years I’ve been away from Tree Hill.”
“Pathetic,” Peyton giggles. “Do you know why it is pathetic? Because I bet that you have had more dreams about a baked, cheesy pasta dish than you’ve had really good, really hot sex dreams. I’m right, aren’t I?”
Blushing, I shove at her arm. “I fail to see how that point is germane to the conversation we are currently having, Peyton.”
Peyton just laughs at that, and even Luke cracks a smile. Linking arms with me as we walk through the door, Peyton continues pressing me, “You know, I am still willing to set you up with Chad. He asks about you, Hales. I’m just saying, how many guys go out of the way to ask about a girl they met twice?”
”Maybe,” I tentatively agree, thinking that it might not be so bad to go out with the cute, buff guy. There are worse things in the world, no doubt. Peyton grins at that, and I have to roll my eyes at her eagerness. “I’ll consider it, at least.”
“That is all I needed to hear,” she smiles. “Just be sure, I’d hate for you to break his heart. It’s such a tight, sexy little heart.”
As I cough back a snicker, Luke raises his eyebrows at that, further furrowing his always crinkled brow. “Wow, Peyt, if I didn’t know better, I’d think that you wanted to date him yourself,” he teases her, grinning when she drops my arm to wrap both of hers around his neck.
Shaking my head when he says something that makes her - yes, her, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer - squeal with laughter, I move to take a seat at the counter. Deb greets me with a huge smile and a cup of coffee. Honestly, it would be easier (for me) if she just ignored me the way I want to be able to ignore her. So much easier.
But no, she insists on talking to me. I suppose there isn’t really anything wrong with, except that I don’t want to have anything to do that reminds me of the less palatable parts of my past. And there is much more of a reminder than having Deb Scott in my face, practically killing me with kindness.
“How are you?” she asks, her bright smile never wavering even though I’m probably not giving her the friendliest look ever. “It’s so good to have you back in town, Haley. Oh, you have no idea how missed you are, I’m sure. Both of you girls, but you especially. Karen is particularly thrilled to have you back; you are a daughter to her in a lot of ways. You know, you’re still a daughter-in-law to me. That hasn’t gone away.”
Um…what? This woman hated that I was married to her son. The second she found out, she started treating me like I was a home-wrecker leper of a tramp who was there solely to wreck her son’s life. And she thinks I’d fall for that? What is going on?
“Well, that’s, um, very nice of you,” I manage to say. I might have even busted out a tight smile, but it’s hard to tell. Whatever it was, my teeth hurt as a result. Probably not good.
Why is she bothering to be so nice to me? The best I can come up with is that it is some sort of promise to Karen. Either that or she just likes me again because I’m not with Nathan anymore. That’s kind of twisted, but it makes sense, too. I think.
Luckily, Karen comes bustling out of the kitchen quickly enough, saving me from further conversation with my former mother-in-law. Wouldn’t life be easier if I didn’t think of her in those terms? Anyway. The four of us grab one of the corner tables, private enough that we can laugh and tell stories and not worry about bothering any of the diners.
I really enjoy myself, just as much as I would if I was back in LA with my friends or with Peyton or tutoring with Chels. It’s so great to catch up with Karen, who updates Peyton and I on all the juicy Tree Hill gossip, of which there is as much as ever. She has all three of us in stitches as she tells the story of a romance between two of our former teachers, and how they were found sans clothing in the band room. Where neither of them teaches.
“Oh, God, I had Mr. Zuckerman for geometry!” Peyton shudders. “He taught me the Pythagorean Theory! And Mrs. Samuels! Ew!”
To my surprise, as the conversation goes on to other subjects, but stays fun and funny and lighthearted like that, I really do let go of my worries and troubles and deep-seeded personal issues for the night. All of the crap that has been drudged up by our return here washes away. It is only when we get back to Peyton’s that I let myself begin to dwell on the other stuff again. This is when I let my mind drift back to Nathan and how he was yesterday, how he was when we ended things, and all that came in between.
As much as I’d insisted earlier, to both myself and Peyton and Luke, that things hadn’t changed just because I’d found out some inconsequential truth, it is getting harder and harder to keep myself convinced of that.
That is what pushes me to get out of my bed and tiptoe into Peyton’s old room, which she is currently sharing with Luke. (After listening and ensuring I wouldn’t be interrupting anything. Don’t need that.) Knocking on the door, I grin as both grumble at me.
“Can we talk?” I ask, smiling sweetly when Peyton lets loose a string of insults that would make a sailor blush. “Luke, I - I have to ask you a couple of things.”
“Yeah, of course,” he agrees, even as they exchange glances. I leave the room, heading downstairs and opening the front door. It’s so muggy here, and sitting out on the porch together seems better than being in the stuffy house right now. They follow me down, taking a page out of my book and finding a place to sit on the porch.
Luke sits back, and I know he’ll wait patiently for me to start talking, or asking as the case may be. Peyton, on the hand, can’t hide her blatant curiosity, and leans forward from her perch on the railing, asking, “Well? What’s going on, Hales?”
Smiling at that, at the comfort that their utter predictability can bring, I lean back against the railing of the stairs. “Maybe I shouldn’t ask about it, but I have to,” I say more to Peyton than Luke. “What - will you tell me about that conversation you had with Nathan? After you found him in the car with Brooke?”
He doesn’t look surprised, but he still looks uneasy as he scratches the side of his face absently. “What do you want to know? I told you the basics, Hales. He was drunker than I’d ever seen him, almost to the point of needing professional help, and he was depressed. I know that you didn’t mean to hurt him when you left, but he really took a beating with that. That’s not an excuse, it just…is.”
“We know that, Luke,” Peyton interrupts hastily. And we do, know it that is. I know it every bit as well as they do; what I did hurt Nathan, and there is no taking that back. There still isn’t. “She wants to know if he said anything about her.”
‘Well, yeah, I guess,” Luke sighs, shaking his head a little. “I don’t know, this is weird for me to tell you, Haley. He - he should be the one to do it, if you need to hear it. Besides, that was a long time ago, and…”
“And what?” I press, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my thighs. “If he talked about how much he hated me, that’s fine. You can tell me. It’s not like he took much care to hide it, right? Pretty much everyone knew about it.”
Luke shakes his head, giving me a small smile. “No, he didn’t talk about you like that at all. It was the opposite, actually.”
Peyton frowns. “And that’s worse, somehow?”
“I didn’t say it was worse,” Luke counters, “But I don’t know if that’s what you want or need to hear, Hales. That’s all.”
“No, I - maybe I need to hear it. I would’ve died of curiosity if I hadn’t asked, and since I asked…tell me.”
“There isn’t a lot to tell,” Luke cautions me. “He passed out pretty quick after I dragged him off. But he said a couple of things about how bad he felt that he’d hurt you by asking for the divorce. He said he hadn’t wanted to hurt you.”
Nodding slightly, I smile at the irony. “Well, that’s my ex-husband. Didn’t want to hurt me by asking for a divorce, but couldn’t be bothered to take his make-out sessions somewhere a little more private. Go figure, right?”
“He just wasn’t thinking,” Luke says softly. “If he’d wanted to hurt you like that, the whole school would’ve known. I’m telling you, it was just something that happened that shouldn’t have. Something he didn’t even want.”
“Yeah, okay,” I agree. “Well, it’s too bad, isn’t it? How everything worked out, I mean. We were both wrong in a lot of ways, and we both hurt each other a lot. I don’t know, maybe it’s better it ended when it did. A few more years together, and we’d have really had some weapons to use. Maybe the cut was cleaner this way.”
Peyton hops off the railing and drops down beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. Luke follows suit, enveloping both of us in his hug. “Thanks, you guys,” I whisper, kissing each of them on the cheek. “I love you both.”
Luke ruffles my hair as he stands back up, helping Peyton up, too. “And we love you. Lots. You ready to come back in?”
“No, thanks. I think I’ll stay out here for a few more minutes. It is really stuffy in there, and I - I just need to breathe for awhile,” I tell them, smiling to reassure them that it is fine to leave me.
They do, closing the door behind them. Losing track of time, I marvel at how much better you can see the stars here. It’s one of those things that you know will be true about small towns, but I’d forgotten just how much brighter they are here than in LA.
“Hey.”
Nathan. Of course.
Chapter Six
All I ask is that you read all the way through this one; misunderstandings abound!
Chapter Five - It’s Never Gone, It Doesn’t Matter What For
When the Truth Hurts, It Cannot Set You Free
When I wake up the next morning, I feel amazingly clearheaded. Not only am I free of the effects of the alcohol, but certain things have coalesced in my mind and I’ve recognized that there are things in my life that I need to change.
Seeing Nathan and talking to him again really drove home the point that I’m still hung up on the past - not on him, necessarily, but what we had and all the things that happened between us - and that I need to deal with it. Finally. After I left Tree Hill, I shoved everything about my life here aside, except for Peyton, Luke, and Karen. I tried not to think about Nathan and everything that happened with him, and in a lot of ways, I was successful at that. Unfortunately, not thinking about it led to me managing to sidestep dealing with it.
I need to do it now, and there is no way around that. It’s pretty obvious. Now that I’ve let myself think about it some, it is painfully obvious that a lot of the decisions I’ve made and things I’ve done and/or not done have been directly related to what happened with Nathan. Looking back, it is the ‘not done’ list that concerns me the most. How many opportunities or people have I let pass me by because that are a direct result of the hang-ups I developed because I never dealt with these issues? I don’t know, but I can’t deny that there are some.
Rolling over when my door opens, I smile as a bleary-eyed Peyton stumbles through it and over to my bed, collapsing next to me. “G’morning, Sunshine,” I grin as she groans in pain. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I drank my weight in rubbing alcohol,” she moans, burying her face in the blankets. “Why are you so chipper? That is not normal. You are not normal, Haley James.”
“I think I had an epiphany,” I tell her, turning serious. “After seeing Nathan last night, I realized that I need to deal with the past. With the whole Nathan-in-the-room thing.” I glare at her back when she snorts out a laugh. “Shut up. I’m sure everyone and their blind great-uncle knew that I had issues with this, but I’m just now getting it, okay?”
She rolls over, popping one eye open to look at me. “You got it finally, huh?” she muses quietly, sympathy in her eyes. “So, what does this mean? What are you going to do?”
Sighing, I burrow deeper into the pillows behind me. “I don’t know. Any suggestions?” She rolls her eyes at me. “I don’t know, Peyt. Really, what should I do?”
“See a shrink,” she suggests, some of her hangover apparently forgotten as she grins at me. “You seriously want to know what I think would be best for you? When we get back home, you go out on some dates. Not necessarily with Chad, even though I think he’d be great for you and he’s gorgeous, but just get out there. Let yourself enjoy the process and let some guy fawn over you.”
“You think that dating is going to cure me?” I ask, not entirely surprised she has brought this subject up. It isn’t the first time, and in a way, this is sort of the same conclusion I had come to. Good to know I’m on the right track?
“No, of course not,” Peyton retorts, poking me in the ribs. “But I do think it would be good for you if you put yourself out there a little bit. You’ve barely dated the last few years, and when you did, it was always with guys that there was no chance of getting serious with.” I open my mouth to protest that, but quickly snap it shut as I realize that she is right. “Yeah, I’m right,” she notes with a triumphant look when she opens her eyes long enough to see I figured that much out. “I knew you’d figure it out eventually, and I knew you needed to do it on your own. That’s why I never said anything.”
I nod, only vaguely paying attention to her as I mull over my latest realization. God, I hope this whole trip isn’t like this. My self-esteem can’t take the beating. “Oh, God, Peyton. I - I think I might’ve purposely tanked things with Blake!” I whisper loudly, a little horrified over just how deep this particular pathos seems to run. “I’m a mess. I am an emotionally crippled, relationship challenged freak of a mess!”
And with that outburst on my part, Peyton breaks into loud giggles, only pausing to clutch at her head and moan in pain. “Ow. Don’t make me laugh again,” she sighs, squeezing her eyes shut. “And I’m sorry, I’m not really laughing at you.” I give her the stink eye, and she smiles. “Okay, maybe I am. But you aren’t that bad. You’re not emotionally crippled, and you could rock out a relationship if you were so inclined.”
“Date,” I sigh, reaching up to pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “That kind of seems like a way to keep avoiding everything.”
“You’re not avoiding everything,” she corrects, pushing her messy curls off her face. “You’re avoiding putting yourself in a position where you’d be vulnerable again, like you were with Nathan. Because you, my friend, are afraid that you’d end up getting burned again. I totally get it, you know, and don’t blame you at all. But you’re my friend, my best friend, and I want you to be happy.”
“And dating will make me happy,” I mutter dully, not sure what I’m supposed to take from all this. “What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m just a relationship spaz and I’ll never, ever have a good one again? Did you think about that?”
She rolls her eyes at that. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Okay, I didn’t mean that as harshly as it came out. But Hales, you’ve taken every bit of blame for what happened with Nathan onto yourself. What about what he did? He’s culpable in this, too.”
“I know,” I sigh, rolling onto my side to face her. “I do know that. Maybe that’s what I need to deal with, right?”
“That’s probably a big part of it,” she agrees, looking a little hesitant. “Maybe that’s most of it, Hales. I don’t know. It makes sense that it would be.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. If this was someone else’s situation, I’d be thinking the same thing. How can I discount that just because I don’t want to think about some of these things? “I guess I’ll have to deal with everything then,” I note with an even tone.
Peyton, giving me a grim smile, also nods. “Well, that pretty much sucks, right? But once you do it, things will be better, and you can actually move on. Not just compartmentalize and shove things away, pretending to forget about them, but actually take them for what they are and move away from them.”
“Frankly? That sounds like heaven.” Shaking my head, I can’t help but laugh as I look over at her. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that I am completely messed up?”
“I thought you knew,” she giggles back me, and we both start laughing like slightly crazed lunatics. That, of course, is how Lucas comes in to find us.
I spot him first, as Peyton’s back is to the bed. Pointing him out to her, still laughing, I wave at him. “Is this what you two spend your time doing?” he asks, moving to sit at the foot of the bed. “Girls are weird.”
Peyton and I just laugh harder at that until she falls back, clutching her head. “Oh, God, this hangover is a nightmare,” she moans.
Luke rolls his eyes. “Why aren’t you in agony, Hales? You drank quite a bit, too.”
“She’s in emotional agony,” Peyton teases, prompting the oh-so-mature response of me sticking my tongue out at her. “Okay, not agony, but she’s had a - what did you call it? Oh, yes, she’s had an epiphany.”
“Uh huh,” Luke nods slowly, his brow crinkling as he looks back and forth between the two of us. “And what exactly did this epiphany consist of, Hales?”
A little embarrassed (to just now be getting what everyone else already has), I shrug. “Basically, I’ve pulled my head out, and I realized that I need to deal with the whole Nathan mess.”
Luke frowns at that. “What does that mean? More conversations like the one last night? That didn’t seem to turn out particularly well for either of you.”
“No, no,” I rush to reassure him - and myself. There is no way that will be the case. “I don’t want to deal with Nathan in person anymore. This is going to be about me finally facing all the things that happened at the end of our junior year, dealing with them, and moving on. Peyton and I both think that…well, Peyt?”
Rolling her eyes a little, Peyton nods and continues for me. “It’s possible, maybe probable, that a lot of what happened with Nathan is big hang-ups for her, and she can’t move on until she gets past them.”
Still frowning, Luke manages to nod at that. “Well, yeah, I know it was tough to get married and divorced by seventeen and yeah, Nathan was a huge jerk, but I’m not sure exactly what you need to deal with, Hales.”
Peyton and I exchange a glance, and when she shrugs at my verbally unasked question, I nod. “I never told you why I finally decided to let Nathan go, to give up,” I tell him softly. As pissed as he has been at Nathan, for Dan and other reasons that I probably don’t know all of, this is only going to make it worse. “I saw him, with Brooke. They were in our car at the river court, and they were…well, I’m sure it isn’t too hard to figure out what those two would be doing together.”
To my surprise - and obviously Peyton’s to, since she looks at me with a furrowed brow - Luke doesn’t much react. After half a minute of him just looking back and forth between the two of us, he starts laughing, actually shocking us both. “I - what is wrong with you, Luke?” Peyton demands angrily. When he just laughs harder, we both sit up, and Peyton growls in frustration. “I cannot believe you!”
“You’re laughing about that?” I sputter indignantly. “Some friend you are! This - this is a lot of things, but it isn’t funny!”
“No, it isn’t,” he agrees, sobering instantly and giving us a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry, Hales. It’s - look, I knew, okay? I went down to the river court one day during our junior year, and they were there, in the car like you said. Can’t believe we both found them.”
I don’t react at all; what is there to say? It’s just confirmation of something I’ve known for a long time now, right?
Flopping back on the bed, I just shake my head. “Well, I almost wish I’d known that. It might’ve made it easier to work past my feelings for Nathan if I’d known other people knew about their, dare I say, relationship.”
Peyton leans her head on my shoulder. “You don’t know that it was that. In fact, I’d bet it wasn’t. Come on, Hales. Guys never flocked to Brooke because she was relationship material.”
“Well, no offense, but that doesn’t help much,” I laugh, not feeling any humor however. “I mean, yay? My husband didn’t have a relationship with her, just…that? Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Look, like Peyton said, you know Brooke. She’s…not really one to be deterred by an initial ‘no', so she probably pushed him to it,” Luke suggests weakly, looking like he feels horrible for having said anything. “Damn it, Hales. I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want you to think about these things. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”
That shakes something in me a little, at least to the point that I can nod and respond. “I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to completely wreck every last, little bit of a bond that you and Nathan had.”
Peyton grins at that, shaking her head. “Look at you two, all protective of each other. It’s just about the sweetest thing ever. You know, maybe if Brooke had grown up with you two instead of me, she wouldn’t have turned out to be such a man-eating little ho-bag, right?”
“You know what? I don’t want to talk about her,” I state resolutely. And I don’t, I really, really don’t. I certainly can’t pretend that I was never married, that I never loved Nathan with absolutely everything in me, but I can absolutely pretend, without a single qualm, that Brooke Davis was never my friend. Because really, is there anyone who would make the case that she was? Maybe, but no one could ever win that argument, that’s at least for sure.
“I - okay, fine by me,” Luke agrees, exchanging a glance with Peyton. It’s a little irritating, them communicating silently about me as though I’m not even here, but I can let it go for now. Getting into that is really not what I need right now, and besides that, it’ll be more fun (for me) when Peyton isn’t looking like she got hit by a Mack truck.
Resolutely, I push myself off the bed, padding across the room to where my suitcase sits, open. Pulling out a tank top and a pair of shorts, I grab my towel and head for the bathroom, not bothering to say anything. They can stay and discuss this if they want, but I really don’t care to be involved. I’m going to have to at some point, but it isn’t going to be while I’m in Tree Hill. Everything just hits way too close to home here, and I don’t want it to be like that.
By the time I get out of the shower, the house is empty but there is a note from Peyton saying that she and Luke had run to the café to pick up some breakfast. Relaxing a little, I take the time to dry my hair and put on a little makeup, just in case we have to run out for boxes or something later in the day. With my luck, I’d run into someone I really don’t want to, so for that alone, it is worth the effort to put on some makeup.
They aren’t gone long, but it is enough to let me find a little perspective. When whatever Nathan and Brooke had was going on, that was after Nathan had asked for a divorce. In that sense, I have no right to be upset about it. For him, our relationship was over then, and why would he bother honoring any lingering sense of loyalty he might have to me, right?
Still…it hurt. It hurts still. But it wouldn’t have hurt any if he had waited until three days, three weeks, or three months after the divorce was finalized, so what difference did it make, right? This is one of those things I need to get over because Peyton is right, even if she didn’t say it in so many words - it is a confidence breaker. Nathan being able to find someone so quickly, so easily after he filed for divorce completely shook me.
It’s still with me now. It is because it was such a blow to the self-esteem that had already taken a severe beating before he point-blank requested the divorce. That it was so easy to move on for him, that was probably worse than anything. Expecting celibacy from him would’ve been an impossible and ridiculous wish, but it was still a direct blow to my ego that he moved on so fast.
“Hey, you okay?” Luke asks softly, startling me out of my reverie. Brushing a few strands of hair that escaped from my ponytail off my face, I smile up at him.
“Yeah, I’m fine, Luke. Really, I am.”
He raises his eyebrows at that, obviously disbelieving. “Hales, that’s - I mean, it’s okay if you’re not okay.”
Laughing, I roll my eyes at that as I get to my feet. Huh, maybe I’m a little more okay than even I thought. “It’s not so bad as all that,” I counter. “Look, it sucks. What happened, how things ended, how both of us acted, pretty much all of our junior sucked for me and Nathan. But it’s over and done with, and let’s face the facts: I don’t have the right to get mad at him for things he did after he ended things between us.”
He looks so doubtful at that assertion that I grab his face between my hands (squeezing a little harder than necessary, of course) and stare him down. “Luke, I know it’s messed up, and maybe he should’ve just…waited until the divorce was final. But he didn’t, and our relationship was indeed over, so what did he owe me? Nothing. He didn’t owe me anything.”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe he owed you…what’s the opposite of nothing? Yeah, that would be everything, wouldn’t it?”
“Luke,” I sigh, shaking my head. I know where he’s going with that, and he just…can’t. I don’t want him to, and he doesn’t need to anymore.
He rolls his eyes, but stops. “Fine, I’ll let Peyton say it later, because you know she will. And she doesn’t shut up as easily as I do, so good luck with that.”
Trying to fight back a laugh, I give it up as a bad try when he catches my eye and bursts out laughing, too. “Yeah, thanks,” I giggle before turning towards him on a sigh. “Luke, don’t feel sorry for me, okay? Just because my still-then-husband was sleeping with a former friend, it doesn’t mean that I’m all fragile and whatever. I’m so over this.” As his jaw drops and his eyes widen in surprise, I roll my eyes in return. “Fine, I’ll get over it. Better, Mr. Semantics?”
“Haley, I - what?” he groans, shaking his head. “Oh, crap. Hales, he didn’t sleep with Brooke.”
“What? Luke, you said you saw them together, and I saw them and Brooke was down to her bra, so - “
“Brooke was down to her bra within days of officially meeting me, too,” he points out, laughing wryly. “Look, just trust me, they might’ve messed around once, initiated by Brooke, who admitted that much to me, but I really - I mean it, I really believe it never went further than that.”
Staring at him, I honestly don’t know what to say to him, to this. I mean, what? Where the hell is this coming from? “Did your brain fall out of your head on the way back here from the store?” I ask, not very graciously. “Luke, we just talked about this an hour ago.”
He shakes his head. “No, I misunderstood - damn it. I thought, no, I assumed that we were talking about the same things, but obviously. Haley, I know he didn’t sleep with Brooke. I’m sorry I let you think otherwise. He told me he didn’t, and believe me, he wasn’t capable of thinking up a lie at that time. He was telling the truth.”
Peyton chooses that minute to walk out here, looking back and forth between the two of us. “Who was telling the truth about what?”
”He says that Nathan never slept with Brooke,” I tell her, my eyes still on Lucas. “He says that he thought we were talking about the same thing earlier, but that we weren’t.” I shake my head. “Oh, and he’s sorry.”
“Luke, Haley saw Nathan and Brooke together. Sorry,” she winces, throwing a glance my way. “I don’t know why you’re defending him now, not after you said you saw them together, too!”
“I said I saw them!” he acknowledges grumpily. “But I never said that I saw them having sex. God, do you think my eyes would’ve remained unbleached if I had witnessed that monstrosity? Plus, Haley, I would’ve told you if it had been that serious.”
Despite the heat of the June morning, I wrap my arms around my middle, rubbing my hands over my bare arms. “Luke, I saw them. With my own eyes, and - “
“I know what you saw, and it stopped there,” he insists, and I can’t help but wonder where the hell this loyalty is coming from. He’s given the aura of being even angrier with Nathan than I am, and yet here he is, defending him? “You guys, I dragged him out of the car, and I was ready to just fight it out with him that night, but he was too drunk to even stand.”
“So he was drunk,” Peyton snips. “What does that mean, anyway?”
Luke shrugs. “It means that he was drunk enough to remove the filter from his mouth. He told me all sorts of things that I didn’t want to hear, and some that I did. That he hadn’t done anything with Brooke, that was one of the things I did need to hear.”
Peyton’s eyes are wide, and she shakes her head. “Luke, if you aren’t sure about this, and you’re dragging Haley through the wringer for nothing, I’ll kick your ass back to Austin. I don’t even care.”
“He’s not,” I interject, knowing both of them well enough to know they both mean the things they’ve been saying. “He’s telling the truth, and you know it, Peyt. I just don’t know…but I saw it, and - “
“Hales, he - he swore, up and down, that he hadn’t been with Brooke.”
“Apparently sucking face while scantily clad in a car isn’t ‘being with’,” Peyton snarks, prompting a giggle from me. God, this is not funny, but the fact that what Nathan had done had gone from devastating to obliterating to embarrassing in the span of forty-five minutes was really playing with my emotions.
Taking a deep breath, I bite my lower lip as I shrug. “So, okay. Well. I guess it doesn’t matter, then? I mean, it’s - it isn’t any worse than it was before, so let’s just forget about it, right? For now,” I amend when Peyton looks sharply at me, obviously ready to call me out on the ‘deal with it’ thing.
Moving in front of me, Peyton pulls me into a hug. “This doesn’t really change anything,” she notes as she pulls away. “If our Karma is so messed up that we bump into Brooke Davis while we’re here, you are still going to kick her ass.”
Nodding, I smile at the two of them. The one I muster probably isn’t as bright as usual, but it seems to suffice as they both let things drop. “Well, let’s get to packing then.”
We work through lunch, sorting through things and packing up those that Peyton wishes to keep. A couple of times I catch her staring at something with tears in her eyes, and before she can throw those things in the giveaway pile, I take them from her and put in a box. I never ask what those things are or why they’re important to her, but I won’t let her throw them out when they are. And she’s not one to want to keep things like that, things that might make her feel. If I didn’t know her so well, inside and out, I wouldn’t have done it on her behalf, but I do know her that well.
Lunch rolls around, and we run through a drive-thru in town, none of us really in the mood to stop by the café. Luke does invite us for dinner, though, laying the guilt trip by reminding us that Karen is looking forward to seeing each of us. A little unfair, but entirely true and both Peyt and I want to see her, too.
“Well?” Luke asks, surveying our work as the dinner hour approaches. “What do you two think? We made a lot of progress today, so can we please go to the café and get some decent food?”
They both look at me expectantly, and so I nod in response. Saying no isn’t an option, but the way they’re both treating me like I’m made of spun glass is about as frustrating as it can get.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I tell them, fixing each of them in turn with my sternest look. “I’m fine. Stop looking at me like I’m going to freak out and throw a fit in the middle of the house, the street, the diner. That isn’t going to happen. Nothing has changed, okay? I still feel the way I felt yesterday, and nothing is going to happen to change that while we’re here. When I’m back in the lovely California sun and smog, then I - or we, whatever - can take a look at things.”
“No, no,” Peyton interrupts quickly, a guilty expression on her face. “We’re sorry. You don’t deserve to have us watching you like you’re a child with hurt feelings, and you definitely don’t need us trying to project feelings onto you. So…that stops.”
Luke nods his agreement, and I can’t help but smile at the two of them. For all of any of our faults, the three of us really are lucky to have each other. They are definitely people that I don’t take for granted, and even when they’re pissing me off, I know that they still have my best interests at heart. Despite having a big and mostly loving family, that isn’t exactly something I have a lot of, which puts me in the same boat as both of them.
We talk quietly on the way to the diner, but it’s good, pleasant conversation. We trade stories about our respective graduations and the accompanying parties. Luke laughs when I tell - with many interjections from Peyton - the story behind my blonde hair, and we all crack up when Luke tells us about his roommate’s very unlucky forays into love. It’s fun, and I’m actually relaxed by the time we get there, which is no small feat.
“Deb’s there again,” Peyton whispers to me after Luke gets out of the car. I nod, having noticed that right away myself. “She was on good behavior last time, so hopefully she can hold that over through tonight, right?”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I agree because why wouldn’t it? There’s nothing that Deb can say that would hurt or upset me anymore. When I was sixteen, even seventeen, things were different, but now she has no hold over me and no interest in my life. “Is your mom’s extra cheesy mac and cheese still on the menu?” I ask Luke abruptly, grinning when he nods. “I have actually had dreams about that mac and cheese over the years I’ve been away from Tree Hill.”
“Pathetic,” Peyton giggles. “Do you know why it is pathetic? Because I bet that you have had more dreams about a baked, cheesy pasta dish than you’ve had really good, really hot sex dreams. I’m right, aren’t I?”
Blushing, I shove at her arm. “I fail to see how that point is germane to the conversation we are currently having, Peyton.”
Peyton just laughs at that, and even Luke cracks a smile. Linking arms with me as we walk through the door, Peyton continues pressing me, “You know, I am still willing to set you up with Chad. He asks about you, Hales. I’m just saying, how many guys go out of the way to ask about a girl they met twice?”
”Maybe,” I tentatively agree, thinking that it might not be so bad to go out with the cute, buff guy. There are worse things in the world, no doubt. Peyton grins at that, and I have to roll my eyes at her eagerness. “I’ll consider it, at least.”
“That is all I needed to hear,” she smiles. “Just be sure, I’d hate for you to break his heart. It’s such a tight, sexy little heart.”
As I cough back a snicker, Luke raises his eyebrows at that, further furrowing his always crinkled brow. “Wow, Peyt, if I didn’t know better, I’d think that you wanted to date him yourself,” he teases her, grinning when she drops my arm to wrap both of hers around his neck.
Shaking my head when he says something that makes her - yes, her, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer - squeal with laughter, I move to take a seat at the counter. Deb greets me with a huge smile and a cup of coffee. Honestly, it would be easier (for me) if she just ignored me the way I want to be able to ignore her. So much easier.
But no, she insists on talking to me. I suppose there isn’t really anything wrong with, except that I don’t want to have anything to do that reminds me of the less palatable parts of my past. And there is much more of a reminder than having Deb Scott in my face, practically killing me with kindness.
“How are you?” she asks, her bright smile never wavering even though I’m probably not giving her the friendliest look ever. “It’s so good to have you back in town, Haley. Oh, you have no idea how missed you are, I’m sure. Both of you girls, but you especially. Karen is particularly thrilled to have you back; you are a daughter to her in a lot of ways. You know, you’re still a daughter-in-law to me. That hasn’t gone away.”
Um…what? This woman hated that I was married to her son. The second she found out, she started treating me like I was a home-wrecker leper of a tramp who was there solely to wreck her son’s life. And she thinks I’d fall for that? What is going on?
“Well, that’s, um, very nice of you,” I manage to say. I might have even busted out a tight smile, but it’s hard to tell. Whatever it was, my teeth hurt as a result. Probably not good.
Why is she bothering to be so nice to me? The best I can come up with is that it is some sort of promise to Karen. Either that or she just likes me again because I’m not with Nathan anymore. That’s kind of twisted, but it makes sense, too. I think.
Luckily, Karen comes bustling out of the kitchen quickly enough, saving me from further conversation with my former mother-in-law. Wouldn’t life be easier if I didn’t think of her in those terms? Anyway. The four of us grab one of the corner tables, private enough that we can laugh and tell stories and not worry about bothering any of the diners.
I really enjoy myself, just as much as I would if I was back in LA with my friends or with Peyton or tutoring with Chels. It’s so great to catch up with Karen, who updates Peyton and I on all the juicy Tree Hill gossip, of which there is as much as ever. She has all three of us in stitches as she tells the story of a romance between two of our former teachers, and how they were found sans clothing in the band room. Where neither of them teaches.
“Oh, God, I had Mr. Zuckerman for geometry!” Peyton shudders. “He taught me the Pythagorean Theory! And Mrs. Samuels! Ew!”
To my surprise, as the conversation goes on to other subjects, but stays fun and funny and lighthearted like that, I really do let go of my worries and troubles and deep-seeded personal issues for the night. All of the crap that has been drudged up by our return here washes away. It is only when we get back to Peyton’s that I let myself begin to dwell on the other stuff again. This is when I let my mind drift back to Nathan and how he was yesterday, how he was when we ended things, and all that came in between.
As much as I’d insisted earlier, to both myself and Peyton and Luke, that things hadn’t changed just because I’d found out some inconsequential truth, it is getting harder and harder to keep myself convinced of that.
That is what pushes me to get out of my bed and tiptoe into Peyton’s old room, which she is currently sharing with Luke. (After listening and ensuring I wouldn’t be interrupting anything. Don’t need that.) Knocking on the door, I grin as both grumble at me.
“Can we talk?” I ask, smiling sweetly when Peyton lets loose a string of insults that would make a sailor blush. “Luke, I - I have to ask you a couple of things.”
“Yeah, of course,” he agrees, even as they exchange glances. I leave the room, heading downstairs and opening the front door. It’s so muggy here, and sitting out on the porch together seems better than being in the stuffy house right now. They follow me down, taking a page out of my book and finding a place to sit on the porch.
Luke sits back, and I know he’ll wait patiently for me to start talking, or asking as the case may be. Peyton, on the hand, can’t hide her blatant curiosity, and leans forward from her perch on the railing, asking, “Well? What’s going on, Hales?”
Smiling at that, at the comfort that their utter predictability can bring, I lean back against the railing of the stairs. “Maybe I shouldn’t ask about it, but I have to,” I say more to Peyton than Luke. “What - will you tell me about that conversation you had with Nathan? After you found him in the car with Brooke?”
He doesn’t look surprised, but he still looks uneasy as he scratches the side of his face absently. “What do you want to know? I told you the basics, Hales. He was drunker than I’d ever seen him, almost to the point of needing professional help, and he was depressed. I know that you didn’t mean to hurt him when you left, but he really took a beating with that. That’s not an excuse, it just…is.”
“We know that, Luke,” Peyton interrupts hastily. And we do, know it that is. I know it every bit as well as they do; what I did hurt Nathan, and there is no taking that back. There still isn’t. “She wants to know if he said anything about her.”
‘Well, yeah, I guess,” Luke sighs, shaking his head a little. “I don’t know, this is weird for me to tell you, Haley. He - he should be the one to do it, if you need to hear it. Besides, that was a long time ago, and…”
“And what?” I press, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my thighs. “If he talked about how much he hated me, that’s fine. You can tell me. It’s not like he took much care to hide it, right? Pretty much everyone knew about it.”
Luke shakes his head, giving me a small smile. “No, he didn’t talk about you like that at all. It was the opposite, actually.”
Peyton frowns. “And that’s worse, somehow?”
“I didn’t say it was worse,” Luke counters, “But I don’t know if that’s what you want or need to hear, Hales. That’s all.”
“No, I - maybe I need to hear it. I would’ve died of curiosity if I hadn’t asked, and since I asked…tell me.”
“There isn’t a lot to tell,” Luke cautions me. “He passed out pretty quick after I dragged him off. But he said a couple of things about how bad he felt that he’d hurt you by asking for the divorce. He said he hadn’t wanted to hurt you.”
Nodding slightly, I smile at the irony. “Well, that’s my ex-husband. Didn’t want to hurt me by asking for a divorce, but couldn’t be bothered to take his make-out sessions somewhere a little more private. Go figure, right?”
“He just wasn’t thinking,” Luke says softly. “If he’d wanted to hurt you like that, the whole school would’ve known. I’m telling you, it was just something that happened that shouldn’t have. Something he didn’t even want.”
“Yeah, okay,” I agree. “Well, it’s too bad, isn’t it? How everything worked out, I mean. We were both wrong in a lot of ways, and we both hurt each other a lot. I don’t know, maybe it’s better it ended when it did. A few more years together, and we’d have really had some weapons to use. Maybe the cut was cleaner this way.”
Peyton hops off the railing and drops down beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. Luke follows suit, enveloping both of us in his hug. “Thanks, you guys,” I whisper, kissing each of them on the cheek. “I love you both.”
Luke ruffles my hair as he stands back up, helping Peyton up, too. “And we love you. Lots. You ready to come back in?”
“No, thanks. I think I’ll stay out here for a few more minutes. It is really stuffy in there, and I - I just need to breathe for awhile,” I tell them, smiling to reassure them that it is fine to leave me.
They do, closing the door behind them. Losing track of time, I marvel at how much better you can see the stars here. It’s one of those things that you know will be true about small towns, but I’d forgotten just how much brighter they are here than in LA.
“Hey.”
Nathan. Of course.
Chapter Six