when quitting my 2nd job because of lack of balance, i didn't realize i would be forced to deal with something else that is quickly becoming more and more apparent...

loneliness

sometimes it's better to be busy than to feel this. maybe not better, but definately easier:(

i have turned a corner and after the whole surgery/infection fiascal, i am returning to normal ( Read more... )

i've had some problems since my delivery w/ ava. when she was born, i did not have an episotomy. W/ Evan I did, and I still tore. W/ Ava, i tore really bad. 4th degree is the worst tear, and that's what I had - one layer from going all the way through to my rectum. TOO MUCH INFO, i know! but anyway, a lot of pain has been associated w/ that area. ( Read more... )

life has been crazy and i've been a bit more quiet than normal.

i am trying to find control over the mess in my head and thus in my house.

so until i get it all figured out, for now i am working on that.

so tonite i finally get out of the house, woohoo. not often that i do and the past week w/ james working 7 a.m. - midnight, i needed it. my best friend, carla, had a little party...kinda like home interiors. i didn't know many people there and so i was uncomfortable anyway, being the hermit that i am ( Read more... )

sometimes i feel like i am the only person in the world LIKE ME. i feel like nobody really understands who i am or what i feel. i feel so complicated. and i just want to be freed from that sense of being incomplete. i've always felt like i was "bad" or "wrong"....guilty w/out a crime...ever since i was a child. i know i am a good person but i can't ( Read more... )

also...something i hadn't posted yet as james wouldn't want others to know, but a couple nites ago he went to the ER aroun 1:00 a.m. he was there for almost 2 hours...he went in due to bad chest pain. they ran an EKG. he had a pronounced sinus arthymmia. most of the time they are benign but there are rare instances where they can be serious. so he ( Read more... )

i've gained so much weight this year. i don't even recognize my body and nothing fits. it's not depressing but it's pretty miserable to look at. somethings gotta change.

i am saddened by my marital situation. it's as though we are against each other, not at all on the same side of the fence. i am not going to regress to the anxiety-ridden panic attack state i was in a little over a year ago. but i know i have to make a change to prevent that from happening. i am stronger now, granted, but i am not going to allow my ( Read more... )

today was evan's last day of preschool. internally i was emotional that it was over. it's another milestone met and we continue to move forward. soon it will be "big kid's school." soccer season is also over and we are now full-swing into tball. it's great seeing them learn new things, but you know how i am, hard for me to accept how fast they are ( Read more... )