Any sort of crit or correcting is greatly appreciated, but my main concern is whether or not I set up the AU well enough for the audience to understand-- or at least not be confused as hell. It's just the "set-up" scene, so don't expect it to be a fully rounded story
( ... )
I'm most concerned about the part 3/the ending because it feels too abrupt, but I'm not sure how I might fix that. Also it's possible the plot might not be compatible with the workings of the Met/UK police, in which case...uh, it's an AU?
Re: tw: torture, rape (both off-screen)
anonymous
December 11 2012, 01:14:44 UTC
Can't do you a britpick, but let's see...
I think some of your sentences have a bit too much in them. Maybe break them up. Something that struck me as odd:
There's a nod from John, and, predictably, nothing from Sherlock. Greg sighs and calls for Donovan and Hopkins. Christ, a killer who rapes and tortures his victims before letting them bleed to death. This whole thing is a PR nightmare.
Priorities? Maybe a coping technique, but, hmmm. I found it odd. Could be just a personal thing.
You kind of...signpost? Let's see: - Sherlock has abruptly come to a halt. - It's just then that Greg's mobile beeps - In the meantime, Sherlock closes his eyes
You could cut them out and the reader would still know that these are actions that are happening now
(I was only planning on giving general concrit than ID-ing specific sentences, but the disdain around Sherlock's mouth is eloquent? Like, "the corners/edges/shape of Sherlock's mouth is curved into eloquent disdain"? Is that what I'm meant to be getting? The word "around" is making me
( ... )
Two Strangers on a Train S/J PWP 1/3
anonymous
December 26 2012, 09:15:57 UTC
This is the first piece of porn I've written and been semi happy with. However it feels cliched and I think who's who gets confusing halfway through. The ending is the kind of ending people complain about me writing, does it fit and if it doesn't what should be there? Help gratefully acceptedThe man in the seat next to him is dark and handsome in a horsy way. His clothes scream old money as much as his face. A discrete glance at his reservation tells John they're both bound for London
( ... )
Two Strangers on a Train S/J PWP 2/2
anonymous
December 26 2012, 09:17:08 UTC
Something deep in John’s lust addled mind tells him he’s being impolite and he looses his hold on the man’s shoulders. Letting his hands fall to his hips where he has to hold on tight for a long moment when the man expertly fists him. A needy whine is drawn from his throat and the man smirks against John’s neck. Frustrated at his lack of control John makes himself let go of the man’s hips and fumble his trousers open. He awkwardly slides a hand down the front of the man’s boxers to palm his cock, squeezing rhythmically
( ... )
Re: Two Strangers on a Train S/J PWP 2/2
anonymous
December 26 2012, 19:48:09 UTC
I don't write a lot of porn, so take everything I say here with a grain of salt.
I didn't have much trouble differentiating who was who, except for in this passage: The man moans and presses his forehead against John’s. He lets go of John making him moan and buck into the man’s thigh and the man press gentle kisses to the edges of John’s mouth. Pushing his trousers and boxers to his knees the man says, “We don’t need to. We can do this.” He wraps one big hand around both of them and jerks them. John’s eyes roll back and his head hits the door. “Like that” the man croons, his mouth moving over John’s neck. He bites down and John’s legs gave way. “May be not.” He laughs, a dark chuckle that makes John’s insides curl, letting go of them to hold John up. What don't they need to do? What's Sherlock suggesting? (What's "them" in the last sentence? The closest thing is "John's insides" but that's probably not it :P
( ... )
Lunarcentrism (Sherlock Pre-slash Unbetaed Fic-thing) 1/1iocaneJanuary 4 2013, 05:15:31 UTC
I hope this is the proper way - I've been out of Livejournal for four years, and out of any kind of ficcing for six. I posted the fic to my LJ, it's very raw at the moment and I just want to make it better. It's my first Sherlock fic, but far from my first fic.
Seeking a betaquestionsleftJanuary 17 2013, 02:24:32 UTC
I'm currently working on a Sherlock/John boarding school AU. It is going to be relatively long. Thus far I'm through the prologue, chapter 1, and a chunk of chapter 2.
I prefer to email word documents and have comments to see what you like/don't and I'm flexible about when you get the chapters back to me. I don't have a due date so there's not a massive rush.
Any help you can give me, even if you are only able to work on one chapter would be great.
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the prompt is here: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/21231.html?thread=123398895#t123398895
and here's a direct link to the fill because there are actually two: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/21231.html?thread=123703791#t123703791
I'm most concerned about the part 3/the ending because it feels too abrupt, but I'm not sure how I might fix that. Also it's possible the plot might not be compatible with the workings of the Met/UK police, in which case...uh, it's an AU?
Thanks so much!
Reply
I think some of your sentences have a bit too much in them. Maybe break them up. Something that struck me as odd:
There's a nod from John, and, predictably, nothing from Sherlock. Greg sighs and calls for Donovan and Hopkins. Christ, a killer who rapes and tortures his victims before letting them bleed to death. This whole thing is a PR nightmare.
Priorities? Maybe a coping technique, but, hmmm. I found it odd. Could be just a personal thing.
You kind of...signpost? Let's see:
- Sherlock has abruptly come to a halt.
- It's just then that Greg's mobile beeps
- In the meantime, Sherlock closes his eyes
You could cut them out and the reader would still know that these are actions that are happening now
(I was only planning on giving general concrit than ID-ing specific sentences, but the disdain around Sherlock's mouth is eloquent? Like, "the corners/edges/shape of Sherlock's mouth is curved into eloquent disdain"? Is that what I'm meant to be getting? The word "around" is making me ( ... )
Reply
Help gratefully acceptedThe man in the seat next to him is dark and handsome in a horsy way. His clothes scream old money as much as his face. A discrete glance at his reservation tells John they're both bound for London ( ... )
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Reply
I didn't have much trouble differentiating who was who, except for in this passage:
The man moans and presses his forehead against John’s. He lets go of John making him moan and buck into the man’s thigh and the man press gentle kisses to the edges of John’s mouth. Pushing his trousers and boxers to his knees the man says, “We don’t need to. We can do this.” He wraps one big hand around both of them and jerks them. John’s eyes roll back and his head hits the door. “Like that” the man croons, his mouth moving over John’s neck. He bites down and John’s legs gave way. “May be not.” He laughs, a dark chuckle that makes John’s insides curl, letting go of them to hold John up.
What don't they need to do? What's Sherlock suggesting? (What's "them" in the last sentence? The closest thing is "John's insides" but that's probably not it :P ( ... )
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/ I had a feeling it should have been were not was.
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http://iocane.livejournal.com/64135.html
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Here is a link to my AO3 if you want to read some of my stuff first. I suggest Come Back to Me because it is my most recent work and I think my best. http://archiveofourown.org/users/questionsleftunanswered
I prefer to email word documents and have comments to see what you like/don't and I'm flexible about when you get the chapters back to me. I don't have a due date so there's not a massive rush.
Any help you can give me, even if you are only able to work on one chapter would be great.
Reply
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