so ive decided to leave the messages unreturned. perhaps, eventually the person knocking at the door will stop. well actually its plural, there are persons at my door, though it is, currently only one knock. that knock is their relationship and its consistently loud in my mind. echoes in my logic thats a hundred fold more telling than my heart ever ( Read more... )

i spent the late afternoon and evening neglecting my academics and surprising my boyfriend from a three week international trip at sfo. exotic flowers, borrowed car and perfect intentions only to almost loose control of the car on 101 as someone whos not very good at paying attention to their immediate surroundings moved into my lane. i over ( Read more... )

i'm surrounded by myself ( Read more... )

i find myself in a strange mood this past week or so. one of conflicting nostalgia, conflicting feelings and a clearly bleak outlook. its difficult to see some sort of end to whatever i think i may be doing with my life. whatever journey this leads to, is it even worth all this fret and then more importantly where is it im trying to go and/or be ( Read more... )

wednesday morning i woke an hour or so before my alarm and fell back asleep in one of those inbetween dreams where i died. my brother and i were driving along a mountain range in his truck. we were searching for something and i was directing him and just as i told him to stop, he did right at the very edge of the mountain top. so he backed up and ( Read more... )

its been a long time since ive been here. too long, truth be told and i never thought i was one of those boys who when finally coupled left their friends by the wayside. well im not actually but i sure did lay my journal to the side. so where does one pick up in the span of the months ones left off. the relationship is going good, not perfect but ( Read more... )

i received my most recent hiv test and some concerns concerning the most recent mishap have been put to ease. well put to an ease is more like it. we're about to get really fucking technical up in here. i was also unblinded in my hiv vaccine study. so i did in fact receive the dna vacine and not the placebo. i knew i shouldve put some money on that ( Read more... )

as the semester begins its wind up to wind down im reminded who in this room is impermanent and whos sticking around. ultimately that latter is and has always been me. though by impermanence i dont exactly know what i mean, since ive never quite experienced permanence in the first place. and whom among us would dare to talk about something theyve ( Read more... )

( nsw. that is, gay sex here )

( what the new camera can do )