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The story of how I became the world's richest bird
Last year, my Uncle Stanley-Bob invested all his barrels of fish in bitcoin, and he's made a mint! (It's a family tradition of ours to spontaneously generate a mint plant when one has come into great fortune[1]The mint plant was so lovely that I became jealous, and my mind wandered towards making money of my own. I consulted my trusty advisor, ( Read more... ) -
Paris Attacks
Urban and I are praying for Paris and Uncle Stanley-Bob is on his way there. But has anyone seen Millicent lately? -
Die Hard: With a Vengeance
All I do nowadays is watch "Die Hard: With a Vengeance" on my iPod.
I'm getting old, I guess. -
Please help me! HELP!
I'd like to turn my memoirs into a movie. Can anyone help with that? -
The Second Worst September 11th -- An unhappy birthday to me
This was the second worst 9/11 in history. It was only surpassed by the day I went down on Infamy [1] who was totally lying about the $5 he was going to give me. I learned my lesson, more or less, after that ( Read more... ) -
I thought that I could fuck an oil rig to get a quick lubing.
I was clumsy and I was wrong. I am sorry. And to my Uncle Stanley-Bob, who probably should stay out of the Gulf of Mexico for a while, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry, Uncle.
Here's some investment advice from Flotsam Gregory: Go long barrels of oil and short barrels of fishes. -
NYU
NYU hired Halliburton to move Governor's Island into my bunghole without even asking me first!
The thing is, I probably would have said yes, had they an iota of decency and behaved considerately to this bird. As it is, I will be straining to shit that thing out until it flies with full force back to the stinking ocean from whence it came! -
In the Hole
I am in the hole. I am not sure what to do, but at least I know that I'm in the hole. I took out a cunt equity loan, and I invested it with my Uncle Stanley-Bob. He leveraged my cunt at least 3 or 4 times, then took it offshore. There may have been some swaps, I don't know what the hell was going on. But now I owe around 800 trillion barrels ( Read more... ) -
I've been very busy. I've been very busty.
First thing's first because it has to be, or else it's not the first thing anymore--I'm now a drug lord. It may be more accurate, Aunt, to say that I'm a drug hoard. It may be even more accurate, Achtung, to say that I'm a drug whoreI'll elaborate ( Read more... )