i dont usually endorse these, but this one is incredibly amusing:

http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1129496752egk

i just woke up from an 8 month-long coma.

So tonight I was bowling and this six-year old girl in the lane next to me bowled better than I did by about 100 points, so naturally, I challenged her to a hamburger eating contest. I said "Bet you can't top this, little girl" and ate four hamburgers in a row. Bitch got to her fifth hamburger but started choking and convulsing and the ambulance ( Read more... )

today i took a trip to budapest. it was quite exhausting, as i flew there on the back of a giant marmaduke with wings. the whole trip took about 392 hours, but in the end, it was worth it...they have to-die-for hamburgers in budapest.

Today I got all dressed up in red, white and blue and started singing the national anthem very loudly in the frozen food aisle of the supermarket until someone reminded me that we celebrate our independence day on the fourth of JULY. i took great offense to this and told them that i will celebrate my independence whenever i damn well please...then ( Read more... )

I woke up this morning and a pirate was on top of me, attempting to strangle me and screaming "YARRRR WHERE"S MY BOOTY."
i said "right here" and slapped my ass.

today, while working my job as door-to-door salesman of hair care products, i found myself taking swigs from my client's alcohol cabinet as she was in the bathroom. when she came out, she saw what i was doing and squirted all the shampoo at me.

come home, megan

today i got into a fight with a hyperglycemic polar bear.

it was walking down the street and i was all like "o i bet you want this candy bar, dont you?"

and it growled at me and knocked me to my feet.

so i got up and punched him in the eye.

he did not like this.

my pet whale tried to eat me today.
we had to have a talk afterwards.