The Unicorn Who Ruined the Apocalypse
Title: The Unicorn Who Ruined the Apocalypse
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Characters: Lucifer, Sam, Dean, Castiel, unicorn
Word Count: 3,420
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: The sword has been acquired. Lucifer's whereabouts are known. The unicorn is being unicornish. This is how it ends.
Author's Note: With bonus art from maskedfangirl!
Previous parts:
[ The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo]
[ The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets]
[ The Unicorn Who Made Sam Feel Deeply Uncomfortable]
[ The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord]
[ The Unicorn Who Ruined A Patented Winchester Heart-to-Heart]
[ The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood]
[ The Unicorn Who Crashed The Garrison's Pool Party]
THE ROAD SO FAR
Carry on my wayward son. There’ll be peace when you are do- RECORD SCRATCHES…
“I’m a unicorn,” said the unicorn, shrugging its unicorn shoulders.
"How come we’ve never seen one of you before?”
The unicorn leaned in very close to Sam, its large opalescent eyes reflecting the sunshine. “Because,” he said seriously, “we don’t hang out with gomers.”
You've found hope, you've found faith. Found how fast she could take it away.
Dean opened the motel fridge and scowled at the freezer compartment. “Aw, man! The unicorn ate my Hot Pockets!”
Found true love, lost your heart. Now you don't know who you are.
Sam, having collected himself, asked, “So, unicorn, what are you doing here, really? You made your apology, and it didn’t sound like you ever wanted to see us again.”
The unicorn heaved a sigh, sending sparkles and cherubim chorus voices tinkling through the air. “My mom told me I need to make friends.”
She made it easy, made it free, made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Castiel’s brow furrowed and he leaned over to peak around the door. His eyes immediately narrowed into tiny slits of blue. “Unicorn!” Castiel growled, his voice lowering at least an octave.
The unicorn sneered, pulling away from Castiel. His tail swished in anger, lollipops and butterscotch candies flinging into the walls and shattering. “Angel!” he snarled.
“The devil can’t seem to go a day without eating Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers chips.”
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows, but baby that is how love goes.
“Honestly, sometimes I’m so afraid of becoming like my dad.”
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never make a real unicorn or human connection, and I’ll leave everything that means anything behind me, just like my dad,” the unicorn said, one lonely tear streaking down his cheek. Then he blurted out, louder, “Your sideburns look like poo smears!”
You will fly and you will crawl; God knows even angels fall.
“Where is Lucifer hiding?” Castiel demanded.
“I don’t-I don’t know! Turn it off, please!”
“He does too know!” the unicorn cried from the corner, where he was rubbing his eyes. “There were Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers in the buffet, I ate them!”
“Devil chips!” Castiel growled, leaning over the chair. “Where is he?”
“O-o-okay!” Zachariah stammered, starting to sob. “He couldn’t get enough of those stupid chips! He’s in Killingly, Connecticut, at the Frito Lays factory where they’re manufactured!”
No such thing as you lost it all. God knows even angels fall.
“Hey, Sam!” the unicorn said, suddenly behind him. A large purple dildo was stuck on the end of his horn, and he used it to bat at the dildo currently in Sam’s hand as if fencing. “Light saber battle! Come on! Zzzzzhhhheeeeeeeww! Zzzzaaaaaooo!”
NOW
Killingly, Connecticut
Lucifer folded up his bag of Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips and stuck them in the satchel he’d taken to carrying around for Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chip storage. He then proceeded to lick the remainder of chip residue from his fingertips while he looked down at the Frito Lays factory. He’d been inside, he’d seen the layout, he’d even mingled with a few of the employees. Lucifer had a plan, and he was going to destroy the world.
* * * *
“Where the fuck are my Hot Pockets?” shouted Dean, his face in the freezer.
“Didn’t you just buy some yesterday?” asked Sam from his usual perch behind his laptop. They’d been trying to lie low, and take an indirect route to Killingly, lest Lucifer catch on to them.
“I did! I got these awesome looking meatball sandwich looking things. I don’t know wh-unicorn!” Dean growled.
The unicorn stuck his face out from the bathroom. “’Sup bitches!” Sam sighed. Of course, it’d been a whole three days since they’d seen the unicorn. He was overdue for a visit. The insulting, horned quadruped couldn’t seem to stay away from them lately. Of course, as he’d confessed to Sam, he was lonely.
Sam shuddered.
“What’d you do with my Hot Pockets?” demanded Dean.
“Haven’t seen any,” the unicorn blinked innocently, rainbows flashing across his eyelashes like they were some sort of neon marquee.
“Yeah right,” muttered Sam. “Unicorn, just give Dean his damn Hot Pockets.”
“I’ve not seen any Hot Pockets in the room…”
“All right fine! They were Lean Pockets! The flavor looked good and they didn’t have it with a higher fat content, okay? Now hand them over you sparkle-assed prick!”
“No honey, I haven't seen your Lean Pockets anywhere!”
Dean’s brows furrowed in anger as his nostrils flared. “Where. Are. My. Fucking. LEAN POCKETS?” He grinded his teeth a bit, Sam suspected to keep himself from pursing his lips and looking prissy.
“Hey Poo-burns! Can you tell your brother to watch his language? I am but a tender unicorn after all. I don’t know how much profanity I can take.”
“You swear more than anyone, unicorn!” Castiel announced his presence by pointing out the fact. It had been the first time Sam had seen the angel teleport himself anywhere since they’d left Zachariah’s green room.
“I don’t trust anything that some ball nuzzling angel has to say.”
Castiel glared at the unicorn, who swished his tail around gleefully. Airheads Extremes smacked against the wall and slid down to the floor with a smack.
Castiel pointedly ignored the candy. “Dean, are you prepared to leave for Killingly yet?”
“I would be, but I’m starving!” Dean complained. “Besides, we still don’t have another box.” The last one had ripped when Dean tried shoving it into the Impala without flattening it down first.
Sam rolled his eyes. “Dean, we’ll get a new refrigerator box if you really, honestly think that’s the best plan.”
Dean’s brows knit together and he cocked his head slightly in confusion. “Of course that’s the best plan. Name one thing wrong with the Box With Chips Under It Plan.”
“You’re going to be at the chip FACTORY, you stupid boob! Lucifer will already HAVE DEVIL CHIPS! Oh my god Sam, it’s like talking to a leprechaun with a brain injury; I don’t know how you put up with it.”
“Get out of my motel room! We have important apocalypse ending, Lucifer killing plans to discuss and you are NO HELP!”
“Aw, c’mon y'cock gobblers! I just wanna help!”
“We could always put on Smallville,” Castiel threatened, sneaking a sly glance at Dean.
“Oh that’s just… There is something wrong with you people,” the unicorn shook his head, flipping his tail and spilling Blow Pops and Werther’s on the bathroom’s peeling linoleum.
Then… he was gone, but Sam couldn’t seem to recall the exact moment he’d disappeared, or exactly what it had been like when that had happened. Must be unicorn magic, he thought, and he really did think Dean and Castiel were over reacting. So the unicorn stole some Lean Pockets… that was just standard unicorn behavior! He really couldn’t help it, and to threaten him with Smallville of all things. Well, Sam could sort of see why the unicorn didn’t like angels.
“Don’t you think that was kind of out of line?” asked Sam.
“He stole my Lean Pockets Sammy, you saw,” said Dean, unwrapping a hard candy from the floor. “And he lied about it. And I’ve got a job to do, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Sam closed his eyes against the latest of his brother’s self-important speeches. “I mean, I’ve got the sword and I’ve got the confidence, but I do not have the Lean Pockets. It’s my job, Sam. It’s my job to destroy the devil and restore life back to normal on Earth. Did you know that you can’t even find the devil chips in any CVS store? There is a shortage, and this is a wrong that only I, Dean “The One With The Ruby Hilted Sword” Winchester, can right.”
“Are you done?” asked Sam.
Dean pondered this for a moment, his gaze drifting up so it appeared he was trying to get a glance at his own forehead. “Yeah, I think so.”
* * * *
Killingly, Connecticut
Lucifer affixed his new ID tag to his lapel and calmly strolled in through the chip factory’s main gate.
“Ah, excuse me. You’ll need to check in,” spoke the balding security guard who sat behind the front desk. “And do you know where you’re going?”
Lucifer could hear the loud clangs and rumblings of the factory as it operated behind closed doors. “Yes of course,” he smiled. “I’m new here. A tour guide for school children.”
He flashed his badge at the bald man, who nodded. “Thank you Lou. Have a nice day.”
“Oh I will,” grinned Lucifer. “I will.”
* * * *
“Okay, so here’s the plan,” said Dean, chewing the last of his pie. They had stopped at a diner to discuss important things and to appease Dean’s appetite. “Sam and I go in as health inspectors through the front door. Castiel rides with us to Killingly in the Impala so that he has enough mojo left to BAMF himself inside the factory. Once he’s in there he can find where Lucifer is hiding out. And Cas, if you find him before us then you can text us, right?”
“He has a phone?” Sam wondered aloud.
“Yes,” said Castiel. “It has little buttons for dialing.”
Sam stared at him, and then looked questioningly to Dean.
“Dean bought it for me,” said Castiel helpfully. “Because my angel mo…jo… has been out of order lately, and he was worried I could get stranded. Then he taught me about text messages. Lol.”
Sam buried his face in his hands. These were the guys who were supposed to kill Lucifer and put a stop to the apocalypse. Sam looked up from his palms and dejectedly thumbed the condensation on his glass of ice water. This was the stupidest apocalypse ever.
* * * *
A few hours later Sam was dressed in what the unicorn would’ve referred to (if he had been there) as his “gay health inspector suit”. Dean was dressed in the same and busy selecting the correct fake IDs from the trunk.
“I will go and begin my search for Lucifer within the Frito Lays factory now,” announced Castiel, and disappeared. Unlike when the unicorn disappeared, Sam was keenly aware of watching the angel go. He wondered if that was because Castiel’s powers were on the fritz, or if unicorns just had cooler abilities.
* * * *
“Oh yeah,” said Dean, “we’re going to have to check with our supervisor to make sure these doors are up to code.” He walked down the front hallway at the Frito Lays factory and proceeded to open every door, swinging his head in and looking around suspiciously.
“He’s uh… Very thorough,” Sam explained to the security guard. “Always checks every inch of the building for violations. But don’t worry… It looks to me like you guys’ve got a good place going. I ah, I’ve gotta catch up.”
Sam walked quickly to catch up to Dean, shaking his head. So this was the plan: to get into the factory and then look around aimlessly until one of them haplessly ran into Lucifer. And then what? Have an awkward battle and hope that Dean was good enough with that sword?
“This is stupid,” Sam chided.
Dean’s eyes widened, and he dug in his pocket. “Oh? I have a text!” he announced triumphantly. “It’s from Cas,” he smiled at his phone. “Lucifer’s in an office on the third floor.”
Dean thumbed the hilt of the sword he had hidden under his suit jacket, and Sam really, really hoped he was ready to do this. Sam had a shotgun filled with rock salt, which they hoped would slow Lucifer down if they needed it, but Sam wasn’t so sure. He felt like useless backup in a plan that could definitely use some decent backup. If the unicorn were here he’d probably be making some cock joke about how flaccid Sam’s role in this plan was.
Then he'd blow glitter out his nose and Dean would eat fallen tail-lollipops.
Sam sighed, pinching his brow and wishing to be somewhere else, even if for just a moment. Maybe the unicorn could take him somewhere nice; somewhere relaxing where people didn’t have to worry about the world’s dwindling chip supply, or how his brother was giggling over a text message an angel had just sent him when said brother was supposed to be off killing the devil. Sure, the unicorn could probably bring him to such a place. With rainbows. Of course, he’d probably accuse Sam of raping ponies, so there was no ideal life for Sam.
He looked to the ceiling to clear his head before looking back to Dean. “Okay, let’s go kill the devil.”
* * * *
Castiel was waiting for them when the elevator arrived on the third floor. “Sam, Dean,” Castiel looked to each Winchester in turn. “Lucifer was in that office there, talking to someone about chips. Then he left with a large box and went down the hall, through there.”
Castiel pointed to a set of double doors at the end of the hall.
“He had a box?” asked Dean. “You don’t think he’s planning to trap us in it, do you?”
“I do not believe that is his intention.”
Dean took a deep breath. “Okay… Let’s do this thing,” he shouted, and before he could recant he ran at the double doors.
Sam looked at Castiel aghast, before they both turned to follow after “The Man With the Ruby Hilted Sword”, Sam’s boots clomping awkwardly as he ran down the carpeted hallway, the angel trailing a few feet behind his long strides.
Dean burst through the doors, and there was Lucifer. They were on a mezzanine over looking a factory floor. Lucifer cradled a box of individually sized bags of potato chips in his arms, as a group of second graders clamored for them. “Hey kids, it’s okay. We’re in Killingly at the chip factory. There are enough chips for everyone. Oh hey kid,” he warned a child who was climbing up the railing. “You’ll want to be careful there. You won’t be able to see anything interesting unless you lean way over.”
Dean grabbed the kid by his t-shirt and pulled him to safety. “Lucifer, what're you doing with these kids?”
“Oh, Dean. I was wondering when you’d find me. These kids? Why they’re simply part of my diabolical plan of course. You know how we are in Hell, just crazy about starting out schemes with groups of innocent children, right?” Lucifer cackled and smirked at Sam.
“Dean, kill him now,” growled Castiel.
“In front of the kids?”
“YES!” Sam and Castiel said at the same time.
Dean brandished his sword and stepped toward Lucifer. He dropped the box of chips, wrappers crinkling as they spilled onto the floor. Lucifer backed into the railing and looked behind him at the vat of corn product that was destined to become Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers chips.
Dean gulped. This was going to be awfully violent for all these impressionable kids. They gathered near the doorway, eyes wide and nervously popping chips into their mouths like it was popcorn at a movie theatre.
“Oh c’mon Deeeeeaaaaaan,” Lucifer taunted. “I see the angels gave you that fancy sword to gank me with. You wouldn’t want to let them down now, would you?”
Sam watched Dean steel his determination and he leapt toward the devil.
“Hey Dean!” the unicorn busted in between Dean and the devil. “I’ve got that cornbread recipe you wanted.” He swung his head around to face Lucifer. “Have you ever tried my cornbread? It gave this one the hard on of his life he loved it so much!”
“Not now,” growled Dean. “For fuck’s sake unicorn, can’t you see that I’m in the middle of something?”
“Oh, right. The whole Lucifer thing,” the unicorn shrugged, then cocked his head and thrust his unicorn horn right through the devil’s chest.
Lucifer spluttered and gagged on blood. “A unicorn. I’ve been pierced by the horn of a unicorn! Curse you all for befriending such a foul beast.”
“A beast? Fuck you, you firey hemorrhoid; I’m a magical being of purity and sunshine!”
Lucifer’s chest glowed where the unicorn’s horn impaled it. It burned like hellfire around the edges of the wound, but Lucifer’s eyes illuminated like those of an extinguishing angel.
“Close your eyes!” Sam warned the children. “Close your eyes, it’s too bright.”
The unicorn swung his head and shook his mane, unleashing a haze of sparkles which shielded everyone's eyes. He lifted Lucifer off the ground and whipped him over the railing. Then the devil slid off the unicorn’s horn and tumbled down, down, down, SPLACK, into the vat of corn mash below.
He turned back to Dean and grinned, devil blood coating his pearlescent horn.
Dean glared. “I had one job in this apocalypse! ONE JOB! I was supposed to kill the devil and save the world. THAT WAS MY JOB; YOU’VE STOLEN MY JOB!”
“Hey, chill Deaners. Relax. Hold on to your dick if you need to calm yourself down-“
“You took my only job and you took my Lean Pockets!” Dean pointed the sword at the unicorn’s neck. “You took everything from me! You even took my shampoo, and that was my favorite shampoo!”
Glitter huffed from the unicorn’s nose, and as the sword drew nearer to his throat, Sam thought he’d intervene. “Dean? Dean! Hey, the devil’s dead. Apocalypse over. We win.”
“It was supposed to be me!” Dean complained.
“Hey, I bet if you asked all these kids, they’d say it was you who killed the devil. Right kids?”
“Yeah!” one of the little girls shouted. “The mean man with the sword killed our tour guide. Please don’t hurt Mr. Unicorn! He’s sparkly and we like him.”
“Really? You’d give all the credit to me?”
The unicorn balked. “Sure, I come in, do all the hard work and Dean Winchester who eats candy from the floor and can’t even manage a proper box trap gets all the credit.”
“Unicorn! Just let him have his glory.”
The unicorn glared and several butterscotch candies swished out of his tail. “Okay. But I’m keeping my cornbread recipe. You hear me Deaners? That's the last time you get a bread boner from me!”
“What’s a bread boner?” asked one of the kids.
“Let’s get out of here,” said Sam.
* * * *
Sam threw his duffel in the trunk of the Impala just as the morning sunlight hit the windshield, glinting into the cool air of the Wilting Pines Motel parking lot. It had been a few days since the apocalypse ended, and everything sort of felt the same except… more peaceful somehow. Like watching baby animals sleep.
He looked up to the balcony in front of their room and saw that Dean was still preoccupied teaching Castiel how to take video on his phone, and wouldn’t be down with his own bag for several minutes, so Sam closed the trunk behind him and went to check out.
He swung his keys around his index finger before dropping them on the front desk. “Checking out of room 205,” he announced before glancing over the rack of newspapers by the window. A headline caught his eyes:
“DORITOS RECALL! A BLOODY SNACK: Several human body parts found inside bags of chips.”
Sam picked up the paper and scanned the article. A woman claimed to have eaten a fingernail, and a small boy said he’d found an eyeball in his chips. Sam felt queasy and stopped reading.
Lucifer was dead. Dead and in chips. Sam didn't need to read about anything unsettling for awhile.
“Hey cock licker,” brayed a voice behind him. “Checking out?”
“Obviously.”
“You don’t have to be so snarky with me, you giant bitch. I’m only here to help.” Sunlight gleamed in through the window and sparkled off the unicorn’s hair. It glimmered and several pink and yellow flowers bloomed from his mane before falling leisurely to the floor.
“You’ve been stealing Dean’s shampoo again, haven’t you?”
The unicorn grinned and swished his tail.
THE END.
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Characters: Lucifer, Sam, Dean, Castiel, unicorn
Word Count: 3,420
Disclaimer: I disclaim it!
Summary: The sword has been acquired. Lucifer's whereabouts are known. The unicorn is being unicornish. This is how it ends.
Author's Note: With bonus art from maskedfangirl!
Previous parts:
[ The Unicorn Who Used Up Dean's Shampoo]
[ The Unicorn Who Apologized For Stealing Hot Pockets]
[ The Unicorn Who Made Sam Feel Deeply Uncomfortable]
[ The Unicorn Who Interrupted An Angel Of The Lord]
[ The Unicorn Who Ruined A Patented Winchester Heart-to-Heart]
[ The Unicorn Who Helped Sam Reclaim His Childhood]
[ The Unicorn Who Crashed The Garrison's Pool Party]
THE ROAD SO FAR
Carry on my wayward son. There’ll be peace when you are do- RECORD SCRATCHES…
“I’m a unicorn,” said the unicorn, shrugging its unicorn shoulders.
"How come we’ve never seen one of you before?”
The unicorn leaned in very close to Sam, its large opalescent eyes reflecting the sunshine. “Because,” he said seriously, “we don’t hang out with gomers.”
You've found hope, you've found faith. Found how fast she could take it away.
Dean opened the motel fridge and scowled at the freezer compartment. “Aw, man! The unicorn ate my Hot Pockets!”
Found true love, lost your heart. Now you don't know who you are.
Sam, having collected himself, asked, “So, unicorn, what are you doing here, really? You made your apology, and it didn’t sound like you ever wanted to see us again.”
The unicorn heaved a sigh, sending sparkles and cherubim chorus voices tinkling through the air. “My mom told me I need to make friends.”
She made it easy, made it free, made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Castiel’s brow furrowed and he leaned over to peak around the door. His eyes immediately narrowed into tiny slits of blue. “Unicorn!” Castiel growled, his voice lowering at least an octave.
The unicorn sneered, pulling away from Castiel. His tail swished in anger, lollipops and butterscotch candies flinging into the walls and shattering. “Angel!” he snarled.
“The devil can’t seem to go a day without eating Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers chips.”
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows, but baby that is how love goes.
“Honestly, sometimes I’m so afraid of becoming like my dad.”
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll never make a real unicorn or human connection, and I’ll leave everything that means anything behind me, just like my dad,” the unicorn said, one lonely tear streaking down his cheek. Then he blurted out, louder, “Your sideburns look like poo smears!”
You will fly and you will crawl; God knows even angels fall.
“Where is Lucifer hiding?” Castiel demanded.
“I don’t-I don’t know! Turn it off, please!”
“He does too know!” the unicorn cried from the corner, where he was rubbing his eyes. “There were Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers in the buffet, I ate them!”
“Devil chips!” Castiel growled, leaning over the chair. “Where is he?”
“O-o-okay!” Zachariah stammered, starting to sob. “He couldn’t get enough of those stupid chips! He’s in Killingly, Connecticut, at the Frito Lays factory where they’re manufactured!”
No such thing as you lost it all. God knows even angels fall.
“Hey, Sam!” the unicorn said, suddenly behind him. A large purple dildo was stuck on the end of his horn, and he used it to bat at the dildo currently in Sam’s hand as if fencing. “Light saber battle! Come on! Zzzzzhhhheeeeeeeww! Zzzzaaaaaooo!”
NOW
Killingly, Connecticut
Lucifer folded up his bag of Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chips and stuck them in the satchel he’d taken to carrying around for Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Popper chip storage. He then proceeded to lick the remainder of chip residue from his fingertips while he looked down at the Frito Lays factory. He’d been inside, he’d seen the layout, he’d even mingled with a few of the employees. Lucifer had a plan, and he was going to destroy the world.
* * * *
“Where the fuck are my Hot Pockets?” shouted Dean, his face in the freezer.
“Didn’t you just buy some yesterday?” asked Sam from his usual perch behind his laptop. They’d been trying to lie low, and take an indirect route to Killingly, lest Lucifer catch on to them.
“I did! I got these awesome looking meatball sandwich looking things. I don’t know wh-unicorn!” Dean growled.
The unicorn stuck his face out from the bathroom. “’Sup bitches!” Sam sighed. Of course, it’d been a whole three days since they’d seen the unicorn. He was overdue for a visit. The insulting, horned quadruped couldn’t seem to stay away from them lately. Of course, as he’d confessed to Sam, he was lonely.
Sam shuddered.
“What’d you do with my Hot Pockets?” demanded Dean.
“Haven’t seen any,” the unicorn blinked innocently, rainbows flashing across his eyelashes like they were some sort of neon marquee.
“Yeah right,” muttered Sam. “Unicorn, just give Dean his damn Hot Pockets.”
“I’ve not seen any Hot Pockets in the room…”
“All right fine! They were Lean Pockets! The flavor looked good and they didn’t have it with a higher fat content, okay? Now hand them over you sparkle-assed prick!”
“No honey, I haven't seen your Lean Pockets anywhere!”
Dean’s brows furrowed in anger as his nostrils flared. “Where. Are. My. Fucking. LEAN POCKETS?” He grinded his teeth a bit, Sam suspected to keep himself from pursing his lips and looking prissy.
“Hey Poo-burns! Can you tell your brother to watch his language? I am but a tender unicorn after all. I don’t know how much profanity I can take.”
“You swear more than anyone, unicorn!” Castiel announced his presence by pointing out the fact. It had been the first time Sam had seen the angel teleport himself anywhere since they’d left Zachariah’s green room.
“I don’t trust anything that some ball nuzzling angel has to say.”
Castiel glared at the unicorn, who swished his tail around gleefully. Airheads Extremes smacked against the wall and slid down to the floor with a smack.
Castiel pointedly ignored the candy. “Dean, are you prepared to leave for Killingly yet?”
“I would be, but I’m starving!” Dean complained. “Besides, we still don’t have another box.” The last one had ripped when Dean tried shoving it into the Impala without flattening it down first.
Sam rolled his eyes. “Dean, we’ll get a new refrigerator box if you really, honestly think that’s the best plan.”
Dean’s brows knit together and he cocked his head slightly in confusion. “Of course that’s the best plan. Name one thing wrong with the Box With Chips Under It Plan.”
“You’re going to be at the chip FACTORY, you stupid boob! Lucifer will already HAVE DEVIL CHIPS! Oh my god Sam, it’s like talking to a leprechaun with a brain injury; I don’t know how you put up with it.”
“Get out of my motel room! We have important apocalypse ending, Lucifer killing plans to discuss and you are NO HELP!”
“Aw, c’mon y'cock gobblers! I just wanna help!”
“We could always put on Smallville,” Castiel threatened, sneaking a sly glance at Dean.
“Oh that’s just… There is something wrong with you people,” the unicorn shook his head, flipping his tail and spilling Blow Pops and Werther’s on the bathroom’s peeling linoleum.
Then… he was gone, but Sam couldn’t seem to recall the exact moment he’d disappeared, or exactly what it had been like when that had happened. Must be unicorn magic, he thought, and he really did think Dean and Castiel were over reacting. So the unicorn stole some Lean Pockets… that was just standard unicorn behavior! He really couldn’t help it, and to threaten him with Smallville of all things. Well, Sam could sort of see why the unicorn didn’t like angels.
“Don’t you think that was kind of out of line?” asked Sam.
“He stole my Lean Pockets Sammy, you saw,” said Dean, unwrapping a hard candy from the floor. “And he lied about it. And I’ve got a job to do, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Sam closed his eyes against the latest of his brother’s self-important speeches. “I mean, I’ve got the sword and I’ve got the confidence, but I do not have the Lean Pockets. It’s my job, Sam. It’s my job to destroy the devil and restore life back to normal on Earth. Did you know that you can’t even find the devil chips in any CVS store? There is a shortage, and this is a wrong that only I, Dean “The One With The Ruby Hilted Sword” Winchester, can right.”
“Are you done?” asked Sam.
Dean pondered this for a moment, his gaze drifting up so it appeared he was trying to get a glance at his own forehead. “Yeah, I think so.”
* * * *
Killingly, Connecticut
Lucifer affixed his new ID tag to his lapel and calmly strolled in through the chip factory’s main gate.
“Ah, excuse me. You’ll need to check in,” spoke the balding security guard who sat behind the front desk. “And do you know where you’re going?”
Lucifer could hear the loud clangs and rumblings of the factory as it operated behind closed doors. “Yes of course,” he smiled. “I’m new here. A tour guide for school children.”
He flashed his badge at the bald man, who nodded. “Thank you Lou. Have a nice day.”
“Oh I will,” grinned Lucifer. “I will.”
* * * *
“Okay, so here’s the plan,” said Dean, chewing the last of his pie. They had stopped at a diner to discuss important things and to appease Dean’s appetite. “Sam and I go in as health inspectors through the front door. Castiel rides with us to Killingly in the Impala so that he has enough mojo left to BAMF himself inside the factory. Once he’s in there he can find where Lucifer is hiding out. And Cas, if you find him before us then you can text us, right?”
“He has a phone?” Sam wondered aloud.
“Yes,” said Castiel. “It has little buttons for dialing.”
Sam stared at him, and then looked questioningly to Dean.
“Dean bought it for me,” said Castiel helpfully. “Because my angel mo…jo… has been out of order lately, and he was worried I could get stranded. Then he taught me about text messages. Lol.”
Sam buried his face in his hands. These were the guys who were supposed to kill Lucifer and put a stop to the apocalypse. Sam looked up from his palms and dejectedly thumbed the condensation on his glass of ice water. This was the stupidest apocalypse ever.
* * * *
A few hours later Sam was dressed in what the unicorn would’ve referred to (if he had been there) as his “gay health inspector suit”. Dean was dressed in the same and busy selecting the correct fake IDs from the trunk.
“I will go and begin my search for Lucifer within the Frito Lays factory now,” announced Castiel, and disappeared. Unlike when the unicorn disappeared, Sam was keenly aware of watching the angel go. He wondered if that was because Castiel’s powers were on the fritz, or if unicorns just had cooler abilities.
* * * *
“Oh yeah,” said Dean, “we’re going to have to check with our supervisor to make sure these doors are up to code.” He walked down the front hallway at the Frito Lays factory and proceeded to open every door, swinging his head in and looking around suspiciously.
“He’s uh… Very thorough,” Sam explained to the security guard. “Always checks every inch of the building for violations. But don’t worry… It looks to me like you guys’ve got a good place going. I ah, I’ve gotta catch up.”
Sam walked quickly to catch up to Dean, shaking his head. So this was the plan: to get into the factory and then look around aimlessly until one of them haplessly ran into Lucifer. And then what? Have an awkward battle and hope that Dean was good enough with that sword?
“This is stupid,” Sam chided.
Dean’s eyes widened, and he dug in his pocket. “Oh? I have a text!” he announced triumphantly. “It’s from Cas,” he smiled at his phone. “Lucifer’s in an office on the third floor.”
Dean thumbed the hilt of the sword he had hidden under his suit jacket, and Sam really, really hoped he was ready to do this. Sam had a shotgun filled with rock salt, which they hoped would slow Lucifer down if they needed it, but Sam wasn’t so sure. He felt like useless backup in a plan that could definitely use some decent backup. If the unicorn were here he’d probably be making some cock joke about how flaccid Sam’s role in this plan was.
Then he'd blow glitter out his nose and Dean would eat fallen tail-lollipops.
Sam sighed, pinching his brow and wishing to be somewhere else, even if for just a moment. Maybe the unicorn could take him somewhere nice; somewhere relaxing where people didn’t have to worry about the world’s dwindling chip supply, or how his brother was giggling over a text message an angel had just sent him when said brother was supposed to be off killing the devil. Sure, the unicorn could probably bring him to such a place. With rainbows. Of course, he’d probably accuse Sam of raping ponies, so there was no ideal life for Sam.
He looked to the ceiling to clear his head before looking back to Dean. “Okay, let’s go kill the devil.”
* * * *
Castiel was waiting for them when the elevator arrived on the third floor. “Sam, Dean,” Castiel looked to each Winchester in turn. “Lucifer was in that office there, talking to someone about chips. Then he left with a large box and went down the hall, through there.”
Castiel pointed to a set of double doors at the end of the hall.
“He had a box?” asked Dean. “You don’t think he’s planning to trap us in it, do you?”
“I do not believe that is his intention.”
Dean took a deep breath. “Okay… Let’s do this thing,” he shouted, and before he could recant he ran at the double doors.
Sam looked at Castiel aghast, before they both turned to follow after “The Man With the Ruby Hilted Sword”, Sam’s boots clomping awkwardly as he ran down the carpeted hallway, the angel trailing a few feet behind his long strides.
Dean burst through the doors, and there was Lucifer. They were on a mezzanine over looking a factory floor. Lucifer cradled a box of individually sized bags of potato chips in his arms, as a group of second graders clamored for them. “Hey kids, it’s okay. We’re in Killingly at the chip factory. There are enough chips for everyone. Oh hey kid,” he warned a child who was climbing up the railing. “You’ll want to be careful there. You won’t be able to see anything interesting unless you lean way over.”
Dean grabbed the kid by his t-shirt and pulled him to safety. “Lucifer, what're you doing with these kids?”
“Oh, Dean. I was wondering when you’d find me. These kids? Why they’re simply part of my diabolical plan of course. You know how we are in Hell, just crazy about starting out schemes with groups of innocent children, right?” Lucifer cackled and smirked at Sam.
“Dean, kill him now,” growled Castiel.
“In front of the kids?”
“YES!” Sam and Castiel said at the same time.
Dean brandished his sword and stepped toward Lucifer. He dropped the box of chips, wrappers crinkling as they spilled onto the floor. Lucifer backed into the railing and looked behind him at the vat of corn product that was destined to become Doritos Special Edition Late Night Last Call Jalapeño Poppers chips.
Dean gulped. This was going to be awfully violent for all these impressionable kids. They gathered near the doorway, eyes wide and nervously popping chips into their mouths like it was popcorn at a movie theatre.
“Oh c’mon Deeeeeaaaaaan,” Lucifer taunted. “I see the angels gave you that fancy sword to gank me with. You wouldn’t want to let them down now, would you?”
Sam watched Dean steel his determination and he leapt toward the devil.
“Hey Dean!” the unicorn busted in between Dean and the devil. “I’ve got that cornbread recipe you wanted.” He swung his head around to face Lucifer. “Have you ever tried my cornbread? It gave this one the hard on of his life he loved it so much!”
“Not now,” growled Dean. “For fuck’s sake unicorn, can’t you see that I’m in the middle of something?”
“Oh, right. The whole Lucifer thing,” the unicorn shrugged, then cocked his head and thrust his unicorn horn right through the devil’s chest.
Lucifer spluttered and gagged on blood. “A unicorn. I’ve been pierced by the horn of a unicorn! Curse you all for befriending such a foul beast.”
“A beast? Fuck you, you firey hemorrhoid; I’m a magical being of purity and sunshine!”
Lucifer’s chest glowed where the unicorn’s horn impaled it. It burned like hellfire around the edges of the wound, but Lucifer’s eyes illuminated like those of an extinguishing angel.
“Close your eyes!” Sam warned the children. “Close your eyes, it’s too bright.”
The unicorn swung his head and shook his mane, unleashing a haze of sparkles which shielded everyone's eyes. He lifted Lucifer off the ground and whipped him over the railing. Then the devil slid off the unicorn’s horn and tumbled down, down, down, SPLACK, into the vat of corn mash below.
He turned back to Dean and grinned, devil blood coating his pearlescent horn.
Dean glared. “I had one job in this apocalypse! ONE JOB! I was supposed to kill the devil and save the world. THAT WAS MY JOB; YOU’VE STOLEN MY JOB!”
“Hey, chill Deaners. Relax. Hold on to your dick if you need to calm yourself down-“
“You took my only job and you took my Lean Pockets!” Dean pointed the sword at the unicorn’s neck. “You took everything from me! You even took my shampoo, and that was my favorite shampoo!”
Glitter huffed from the unicorn’s nose, and as the sword drew nearer to his throat, Sam thought he’d intervene. “Dean? Dean! Hey, the devil’s dead. Apocalypse over. We win.”
“It was supposed to be me!” Dean complained.
“Hey, I bet if you asked all these kids, they’d say it was you who killed the devil. Right kids?”
“Yeah!” one of the little girls shouted. “The mean man with the sword killed our tour guide. Please don’t hurt Mr. Unicorn! He’s sparkly and we like him.”
“Really? You’d give all the credit to me?”
The unicorn balked. “Sure, I come in, do all the hard work and Dean Winchester who eats candy from the floor and can’t even manage a proper box trap gets all the credit.”
“Unicorn! Just let him have his glory.”
The unicorn glared and several butterscotch candies swished out of his tail. “Okay. But I’m keeping my cornbread recipe. You hear me Deaners? That's the last time you get a bread boner from me!”
“What’s a bread boner?” asked one of the kids.
“Let’s get out of here,” said Sam.
* * * *
Sam threw his duffel in the trunk of the Impala just as the morning sunlight hit the windshield, glinting into the cool air of the Wilting Pines Motel parking lot. It had been a few days since the apocalypse ended, and everything sort of felt the same except… more peaceful somehow. Like watching baby animals sleep.
He looked up to the balcony in front of their room and saw that Dean was still preoccupied teaching Castiel how to take video on his phone, and wouldn’t be down with his own bag for several minutes, so Sam closed the trunk behind him and went to check out.
He swung his keys around his index finger before dropping them on the front desk. “Checking out of room 205,” he announced before glancing over the rack of newspapers by the window. A headline caught his eyes:
“DORITOS RECALL! A BLOODY SNACK: Several human body parts found inside bags of chips.”
Sam picked up the paper and scanned the article. A woman claimed to have eaten a fingernail, and a small boy said he’d found an eyeball in his chips. Sam felt queasy and stopped reading.
Lucifer was dead. Dead and in chips. Sam didn't need to read about anything unsettling for awhile.
“Hey cock licker,” brayed a voice behind him. “Checking out?”
“Obviously.”
“You don’t have to be so snarky with me, you giant bitch. I’m only here to help.” Sunlight gleamed in through the window and sparkled off the unicorn’s hair. It glimmered and several pink and yellow flowers bloomed from his mane before falling leisurely to the floor.
“You’ve been stealing Dean’s shampoo again, haven’t you?”
The unicorn grinned and swished his tail.
THE END.