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My whole life, whenever something went bad, I reminded myself, I have survived worse. I am a fighter, I would say. I don't know if I can survive this though. I'm dead inside. I go on because my kids need me to. I make myself forget because forgetting is the only way I don't cry. Sometimes i even laugh because I have forgotten. Then I feel guilty ( Read more... ) -
LJ idol week 7: Where I’m From
At funerals people tend to speak of good memories. They speak of kindness and compassion, how no one ever disliked that person. At my grandmother's funeral, no one spoke. We couldn't bring ourselves to stand up and lie. My grandmother had never been compassionate. Ever since I could remember she had been a story teller, to put it nicely. She told ( Read more... ) -
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100% true. As crazy as it sounds, he not only won't speak to me but also not my sister who is his half sister or his dad (that one makes sense). He speaks to his mom, his sister (my step sister) and his grand parents. It's very weird specially since I got ahold of him years later and we did email back-and-forth briefly before he just stopped ( Read more... ) -
LJ Idol Week 6: Heel turn
I remember him so clearly. Blond haired, blue eyed, tall and lanky with a prominent nose. The first time I really saw him as anything other than that kid who played with us at parties, he was standing in my living room. My mom had just informed me that we were moving in with Steve. We would be moving into a big new house, and his kids would be ( Read more... ) -
LJ idol week 4: Fear is the heart of love
I don't know if I can do this. I say it all the time and people think it's a joke. I've done this before, two deployments down, one coming up sooner than I ever expected. Where did the time go? It seems like only last week I assured him that early 2017 was a great time for a deployment. It meant he'd be home for almost a year. Not straight, of ( Read more... ) -
LJ idol week 3: Brushback Pitch
I saw his picture the other day, and it hurt. It's so strange to me that someone can still have that kind of power over me. The kind of power that made me hide in a back room when I knew he was at our house even as a grown woman. I tell myself he can't hurt me now. Logically, I know that, but something strange happens when he is around. I flash ( Read more... ) -
LJ Idol week 2: That One Friend
"Robin, this is Cole, he's a slut too" JR introduced me to an old friend of his. I laughed, because I knew who I was. I was the slutty friend. I embraced it because women should not be ashamed of their sexuality. I was against slut shaming well before it was cool. I embraced the term. My night ended with a game of truth or dare, Cole and I were ( Read more... ) -
LJ Idol Week 1: I need the struggle to feel alive
The pain hits me after about an hour. Not nearly as hard as the first time, but pain none the less. "I think it's starting" I tell Michelle who rushes to my side along with Sara, a relative stranger. "It's not too bad, but it hurts" I explain. An hour later I won't be saying the same. My sister reads the monitors and tells me that was 10 minutes ( Read more... ) -
LJ Idol: introduction
Sometimes I think back to who I used to be. The teenaged girl who started to journal, the one with the bright green hair. I think back to my first tattoo and how I was sure I would be coverd head to toe in a few more years. Back when I switched to live journal I was just starting college. I was a perfomance theater major who often passed out on ( Read more... ) -
The real LJ idol
I got an Email the other day that there is a new seaons of the real LJ idol. I miss writing so here I am. Declaring that I will try to actually keep up with it this year. I don't even know how to use the newest format of live journal. Oh well. Wish me luck!