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If today I had to speak my final words
If today I had to speak my final words....I would say....All I ever wanted was to just be enough.
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Same lesson...
Eventually everybody teaches me the same lesson; i am a survivor and dont need them.
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She is still chained but the chains feel rusty....
I wrote this two years ago....these feelings still remain.
I keep my slave chained; chained to a wall. Her eyes are covered with a blindfold, for I cannot allow her to see the temptation of surrender. Her mouth is filled with a gag, yet she somehow manages to scream out for dominance. I try to silence her as I lock her ever deeper inside. I keep my ( Read more... ) -
Cares/ priorities
I think I behave in a manner that makes me appear to care about things that I honestly have no care about. At some point, I told myself that I should care about something...thus, I behave as if I do. One lesson I learned, during my relationship with Christopher was to " Fake it until I make it". It was a matter of survival. I think I have carried ( Read more... ) -
Limits...
My limits are my limits...yeah, well, fuck my limits and the bastard drill they rode in on.
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They say I am ready
I hate to be critical of my sensei, because he always understands what I am ready for before I do. Time and time again he has demonstrated to me that I am more ready that even I believe. However, I sit here tonight wondering what the hell he was thinking when he agreed that I was ready to take on a primary student of my own. Everyone keeps telling ( Read more... ) -
Thoroughly Through thinking thoughts
I am so sick of living in my own head. How can i convince myself that emotions are thoughts and believe thoughts that i just know arent true? How do i get out of my head and stop sabotaging myself?
Right now i am ashamed to even admit what thoughts i am dwelling on. I juat pray that i can refrain from doing anything prematurely because i am acting ( Read more... ) -
My Zach is grading
My Zach is grading for his first belt today. Odly, I am more nervous about this than I have ever been about my owns tests...including my Shodan grading. Inam not letting him see my nerves, of course. I need him to see that I have full confidence in him. I do! I have some concerns about his finger, but know he will push through.
I think the whole ( Read more... ) -
Assignment of refinement: Christ even died for stupid people.
A year or so ago I ran across the phrase, " Assignment of refinement" in a book I was studying. It made me think about all of the ways that things are refined ( pearls, diamonds etc.) . The harsh reality is that the process of refinement is never quick and always hard. As we give more and more of ourself to Yaweh He begins to refine us. He slowly ( Read more... )
