( Tejas )

I'm starting to get the ol' spare tire, so beginning today I'm giving up three things I love: beer, chips, and not exercising.

Update:
Clearly, on the day I give up chips I should find out that Doritos now come in a spicy habinero variety, which I have never tried, and which are buy one, get one free.

I was driving by a McDonalds today, and they had a sign advertising Take 5 McFlurries. Do you realize what this means? This means bits of Take 5 candy bars mixed with soft-served ice cream. I almost shit.

I just thought of another joke about Communion. This year we had unleavened bread. It's supposed to represent the body of Christ. Christ rose, so shouldn't the bread?

I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree. We were almost there.

Going to Minneapolis with Molly tomorrow. Staying in the Double Tree. A suite with separate living room and bedroom. Wicked sweet (pun intended). Stopping in Chicago to see Tiff on the way back. Also wicked sweet.

Today after we partook of the body of Christ broken so that we might have eternal life, I heard a little girl in the pew behind me whisper, "Not bad."

Today at work, some old man told me I'm in danger of losing my job to those Mexicans. I really wanted to say something, but he's the only person who thinks he has to tip every time he comes in the store. I'm so ashamed. He's not even a good tipper. I sold out La Raza for seventy cents. Setenta centavos. I'm such an ass.

On vanity license plates: I think fake testicles hanging from one's trailer hitch contradict a vanity plate that says QIXOTIC.

My new routine before I go to bed is to chug a beer and eat peanuts until I'm about to barf. Admittedly, this system has its flaws.

I saw on the TV that Lisa Loeb is looking for a husband. I would gladly volunteer, but I guess she's Jewish. I mean, people tell me I look Jewish all the time, but I think she'd catch on eventually because I'm not very circumcised.