Ok, so call me selfish, but I think that america should really, instead of investing so much money in finding a cure for cancer, start investing money in a drug that makes me not want what i cant have. Youd think in a era of zoloft and paxil and viagra, they would have made this drug by now. God knows I need it. I think I have it worse than anyoen ( Read more... )

I'm going to austin on thursday. But let's not kid ourselves. For some reason, unless you are jewish and go to UT, I probably won't see you. I dont know why it is. It's not like we mindfully get together and discuss the old testament. It's just how it always is. Cept for that one magical lunch with miss rhattigan and kathleen murrin. Maybe we can ( Read more... )

Ive been in mexico for a week and its been spictacular. Mexicans are a tiny, magical people. id never been waverunnign before and its so awesome. i like to pretend im james bond and my mission is to save seals by looking at them, and i do! i come home tomorrow, where i can masturbate comfortably in my own bed. so if you want to throw a welcome back ( Read more... )

So, it sucks that my happiness is directly related to how well I do at standup comedy on any given night. Luckily, tonight I had a killer set. The first set sucked and I was in the greenroom reevaluating my life, and the headliner, bobby slyton (who is amazing and you should all come to the improv to see him if you live in houston) comes into the ( Read more... )

So, my set fucking sucked tonight. The headliner cancelled leaving me to have to do 20 minutes of material. I've never ever done 20 minutes of material at one time. Add that to the fact that openers rarely get a good response and the audience consisted of mostly bikers, it made for quite the shitastic evening. It's funny hwo confident you can be ( Read more... )

i have myspace now. harris wittels. look it up, add me up bitches!

Im' pretty sure that yesterday was my lucky day. I've never had a lucky day and I was under the impression these things were reserved for better people than I, but no sir ( Read more... )

So, my boss at the comedy club calls me today and says "Hey, Harris I have to take you off the schedule in August," and I was like "Why? Did I do something wrong? Am I beign fired?" and he says "No, but I'm having you open for Bobby Slayton ( Read more... )

third place in the Houston's Funniest Person Contest for those that were wondering....more on it when i have time...

I was ready for alkaline trio to get all cathartic on my ass, but of course I have to sleep through it. I slept through the trio? Is there no decency???