Serious thoughts and issues... for a change

[wanderingpixie]

PSA Warning Here: This post and all the others I am about to mention are about rape and sexual assault, their prevalence in society, and what the appropriate role of bystanders is. Please skip if you're so inclined.
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There is an idea circulating on my friends list... mostly in the circle of SCA folks from farther away... first wulfsdottir, then stitchwhich, dr_zrfq,

Comments

[wanderingpixie]

Thanks.

[zaph]

There are a number of guys who agree that they should say something when they see something questionable. But there are definitely some of the guys reading who think they don't know guys who would be inappropriate enough to say something to. Or they don't think that saying something would help. If you think that... all I can do is ask you to please keep your eyes and mind open.I think there's another one that a lot of people, myself included, tend to think, which is, "It's possible, even likely, that I've misconstrued something innocent." (You know I tend to be lousy at reading people.) Yes, on paper it's better to err on the side of caution, but in the moment, it's very hard to suppress all thoughts like that and intervene, even if you turn out to have interpreted the situation correctly

[wanderingpixie]

That's a good point, and you're right, the gray area is hard to deal with. There are some ways to work on it, though

[wanderingpixie]

mariedeblois was kind enough in her (friends-locked) post to pick out some of the better comment threads from the original post. Two of them address the "How do you say something" point directly, so I thought I'd share.

Say something purely because your offended, regardless how the recipient feels.
If it's not a funny / acceptable joke... say so

[zaph]

Ah, excellent suggestions. I do kind of wish that had occurred to me in college. I can't think of specific situations (besides that one, which stuck with me for some reason) where I should have intervened, but I'm sure they existed.

It's too bad I'm only learning this now because I think I'm much less likely to be in such a situation again, just based on the fact that I'm in contact with a lot fewer different people on a daily basis now.

At least I'll know in case it does come up.

[leora]

I didn't know any of this, and I am really, really sorry this happened to you. I was very lucky, for me college was one of the safest places Ive ever been, nobody there abused me in any way, which was actually somewhat novel at the time. I wish that were true for everyone (except the it being somewhat novel part).

[wanderingpixie]

Oh, in many ways college was fabulous for me. I made a lot of friends (after my freshman year) and felt like I had real things in common with them. I was picked on more for being normal than for being weird... which was new and unusual =)

There was just a bit of a cloud hanging over it sometimes. Not all the time by any means. But, yeah...

[shaunacarrick]

HUGS!

That's about all I can say, really - I have my own stories, going back to 3rd grade, but none of them ever involved that kind of close contact. Some of them were 'in-family', but the majority were in school - from primitive stalking behaviors and ruining my test papers to attempts to set my locker on fire (all in junior high). By high school, I was mostly ostracized, which at least had the slightly positive aspect of being left alone most of the time - I was invisible, or so it seemed. I was lucky - there were adults in school I could turn to for friendship and help.

College and the Army was a whole 'nother world, each in it's own way, and since then I have been able to pretty much be safe in a very unsafe world - but I had to learn a LOT of self-defense 'tricks and tips' along the way. Even now, when I travel alone, I always have something with me that can be used as a weapon, even if it doesn't appear that way on the surface (a cane can be VERY useful!)

[wanderingpixie]

Thanks for the hugs. I don't really expect folks to have much to say. The long story from college (which is actually much longer when you add in the non-physical abuse-type stuff) is something I've been wanting to blog for years now. Just to get it out there... out of my head, down on paper, whatever. This was just a good excuse.

And, yeah... I am at most moments aware of how the various items around me could be used to hurt someone. I have to expect that's not something most guys even consider doing =)

[mrgrumpybear]

I both cannot imagine what that must have been like and wish I could do something to help ease the pain you carry so many years later. Hugs. You're a good person, you know?

[wanderingpixie]

Thank you.

Most of the time, the pain is much less tangible than it may seem here. He's not in my life anymore, which helps a lot. (The other side of the continent it almost far enough... although apparently not far enough for Facebook.) There are some triggers... a bad mood combined with any of a number of songs. The middle of the month of April, actually =) (Isn't that stupid? I have a predictable bad month every year.)

The reactions my friends had actually come up more often. A lot of those people are still in the city and in my extended social group. And most of them probably don't even remember much about it other than 'she had a problem with him at some point in college'. Focusing on it or being angry about it will just make me look bad and lose other friends who know nothing about any of it. I avoid friend-ing them here and I'm polite in person. *shrug* Not much else to do.

[mrgrumpybear]

The pain (not type, but existence of it) sounds much like mine with Tess (my daughter; I'm pretty sure you know the story.) It's been so long now that it's not especially ever in the front of my brain, except her birthday and Father's Day. Occasionally due to some other stimulus, but most days just pass.