The anti-climatic end to the SVU series, or SVU 59: Elizabeth in Love

[xbexuniquex]

This is the book before the super edition/thriller where Jess snogs Sam in an attempt to make her sister see what a jerk he is thus making her run off to London and become a scullery maid for an Earl who has a hot son named Max. Basically, it's a filler book. The last in proper SVU series and nothing actually happens. It's like the ghostwriters thought "Crap, we finished up all the plots (except for Todd) in the last book! What are we going to do? I know, let's make everyone have some really tiny issues that can be sorted out in the space of one book!" It's awful, guys, really. But here goes. Apologies for the length - there's quite a lot to moan/snark about in a book where nothing really happens.



Chapter 1

Liz wakes up with Sam lying next to her in bed. No, not like that. Liz is just ogling every inch of his sleeping body. She recaps the history of their relationship (they met on a Road Trip and hated each other but fancied the pants off each other. Insert typical Sweet Valley romantic shenanigans. They’re now housemates and still hate each other and still fancy the pants off each other). Last night Sam came up to her room to talk about their problems, but instead they kissed for hours on end and then fell asleep. This book would have a whole lot less drama in it if Sam and Liz had discussed their problems before they locked lips. Liz is all excited about their relationship. Um, yeah, kissing = relationship? Has she learned nothing from Jess?

Todd enters his apartment and knocks over a pile of pizza boxes with the door. Because, guys, when you drop out of college you will start hoarding litter in your house. And, as you know, college students never eat pizza or drink beer. Only losers like Todd Wilkins. Todd is finding working at Frankie’s tiring and boring, so he’s applied for some summer internships. He got turned down for all of them, and is shocked, as he is convinced that quitting college and getting a job in a bar is the fastest way to make his way in the business world. Yeah.

Jess is sitting in her room, chewing on pens and trying to listen to the sounds in the next room with the aid of a glass. She’s really hoping that Sam isn’t still in there with Liz and the idea makes her want to hurl. Me too, Jess. Jess notices that it’s 6:30am and that she’d better get some sleep soon “or she was going to be in no shape to cram for her Art History II final.”

Neil is in his own room, trying to sleep, and thinking about how much he hates living with the Wakefields and Sam. So he decides to move out, even though he knows it’ll upset Jess.

Chapter 2

Sam wakes up and is all freaked out at being in Liz's bed. As much as he’s “obsessed” with Liz (direct quote) he’s worried that she might think that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. He isn’t sure if he wants to be her boyfriend, even if he’s been drooling over her for an entire year. Then Liz wakes up and they have a sickly-sweet, flirty conversation. Liz says something which makes Sam realise that Liz is pretty serious about their “relationship” (if you can call it that) and worries: “From now on, would Elizabeth expect them to be joined at the hip until graduation?” Um, yes.

Chloe is worried: her Freshman year is nearly over, Finals are about to start, and she still hasn’t got a boyfriend. Chloe recaps for us about pledging into the super-cool sorority, and about how she’s been desperately trying not to join the geeky crowd which she was attached to in high school, and instead, join Jess and Nina’s elite popular crowd. I really can’t believe this idea of there being an “elite” crowd at any University...but SVU only appears to have about 50 students, so I suppose it is kind of plausible. Chloe moans and whines a lot about how she wants to attract guys.

Sam and Liz finally get out of bed and Liz is worrying, like everyone else in this book. Worrying appears to be a theme. Sam suggests that they grab some breakfast at Yum-Yums. Liz demands a kiss from Sam before she goes to shower, and then feels lame. Sam feels awkward and Liz hopes that they’ll be able to have a proper talk over breakfast. She thinks that she likes him just the way he is - “moody, distant, difficult.” Um, yeah, those are on my list of desired qualities in a boyfriend. She wonders about what Jess will think of her new relationship, but decides that Jess will just have to live with it - it’s her decision. Oh, and Sam’s, too.

Neil finds a new apartment and decides to move out of the Wakefield’s house.

Chapter 3

Chloe is at the Theta house, trying to study, but she can’t focus on anything other than how unhappy her life is because she doesn’t have a) a boyfriend and b) a busy social life. She decides to visit Nina and ask her for advice. She interrupts Nina’s studying (I’m sure she appreciates that) to tell her that she needs a new look. Nina asks why, and tells Chloe that she’s great just the way she is. Nina gives Chloe a lecture on how dressing sexy will make guys think that you want to have sex with them, but Chloe is like, Yeah, whatever, can I borrow this? Nina asks her if she’s started studying yet and Chloe bluffs. This lecture will be important later, guys.

Neil gets back from visiting his new apartment and feels like a trespasser in the Wakefield house - and notices that everything is very, very tidy. He wonders who has been tidying as Liz is the only tidy one, and she’s currently too busy fighting with Sam to concentrate on anything else. That’s kind of pathetic. Neil finds Jess, who admits to the obsessive cleaning fit and starts moaning about Liz. Neil is about to tell her that he’s moving out when Sam walks down the stairs and goes into his room. Jess freaks out as this confirms that Sam has been in Liz’s room all night. Neil tries to get her to calm down but she rushes upstairs and starts arguing with Liz. Neil is glad that he’s moving out.

Jess and Liz argue about whether Liz should be dating Sam. The conclusion of the argument is that Liz is blind to all of Sam’s faults and Jess is never going to be happy with their relationship.

Chloe eats carrots, tries to make her friends go shopping with her and bluffs some more about her lack of studying.

Chapter 4

Todd is planning to call all of the companies who rejected him and ask them whether a mistake was made; no one could possibly NOT want a college drop-out who works in a bar. He phones up the first one and they tell him that all of the internships are for college students, and he isn’t enrolled at a college. Todd is like, Ohhhh, that makes sense.

Sam is sitting in his room, staring at his CDs. He thinks about how the band names summarise his emotions - Pulp, Third Eye Blind, and Smashing Pumpkins are the ones mentioned. I’ve only mentioned this because it’s so odd. He tells us that he has been “aching” over Liz for ages because he’s never met someone who is as honest as her. I’ll summarise the rest of his internal ravings - he is obsessed with Liz and really wants her, so why is he suddenly feeling all weird about actually being with her? I’ll tell you why. Because Francine wants to muck up your relationship with Liz so that she can go to England and Do It with the son of an Earl. Sam thinks about his family and it’s an “Ah, now we know why Sam is so screwed up!” moment, which I shall not recap. He puts on music and tries to release some of his tension. Then Liz turns up at his door in a sleeveless mini-dress, with lots of make-up on and a fancy purse and shoes. Sam thinks that she looks like Jessica, but tells her she looks great anyway. They go to Yum-Yums.

Annoyingly, the next section follows on, just in Liz’s point of view. I would honestly prefer to read about Chloe and her quest for slutty clothes and a boyfriend. Anyway, Liz claims that this is the first time since Jr. High that she’s felt the urge to get dolled up. I’m sure that’s a lie. What about the incident with the eyeliner in Senior Year? She hopes that her glam look isn’t what is causing Sam’s complete and utter silence. Um, yeah. Then she gives us a fantastic fact about men: “That’s just how men were, she was realising: paralyzed, frozen and terrified until you melted them with your warmth and they became comfortable enough to relax too.” I...don’t have words to explain my feelings about this sentence. Please volunteer your own response. Liz and Sam make awkward conversation and Liz refers to herself as his girlfriend and then mentally shoots herself for it. They manage to make it to the shop without too many foot-in-mouth incidents from Ms. Wakefield, until she curtsies when he opens the door for him (sometimes I’m shocked when a man holds a door open for me, but I’ve never been so surprised that I’ve curtsied) and “Sam’s face turned the colour of the toilet-paper roll.” Is there only one shade of toilet-paper in California? Because Sam’s face could be lilac or mint-green for all we know.

Chapter 5

Chloe goes on a shopping trip and buys lots of make-up, push-up bras and T-shirts in multiple colours.

Jess argues with Neil about Liz’s relationship a whole lot. Then she realises that her Art History final starts in a few minutes and runs off. This might sound selfish, but if I had an exam in a few hours and my sister had hooked up with some jerk, I’d figure that the exam was going to affect my future more than my sister’s jerkish boyfriend, and focus on me until my exams were over. My non-existent sister can screw up her own life, but not my future career possibilities. But I suppose that you don’t move to Sweet Valley unless you want to stick your nose into everyone’s business. After Jess has left, Neil imparts this wonderful piece of wisdom to us: “His roommates clearly had a whole Aaron Spelling thing going on, but that didn’t mean that he had to replace Dylan for the season finale.” Can someone who wasn’t nine in the year 2000 please explain what he’s talking about? Neil looks forward to moving out.

Jess is pissed off at Neil not supporting her on her “Liz is making a massive mistake so I’m going to drop everything and mourn for her” thing. But she’s also worried because she’s late for her Final and her lecturer is horrible to her. Due to her worrying, she falls over and drops all her books. Why does she even need books in an exam? Isn’t the whole point of exams to test your knowledge without the textbook in front of you? Some guy named Clyde helps her pick them up and stops to chat her up. “Why hadn’t anything ever happened with him?” Because the last 10 books have revolved around Liz, that’s why. She wishes that she could stay around and chat to him but has to rush off to her final. She gets through the door just as the professor is about to lock it. Prof. tortures Jess as she finds her seat. The guy next to her whispers that her arm is bleeding (from when she fell) and she wonders why she never spent more time with Brett either. Obviously, the Ghostie has finally found the Sweet Valley Bible and wants to show that they know a thing or two about minor characters. The exam starts and Jess is surprised that she knows most of the answers. Her pen breaks and Brett gives her a new one, and she thinks that Sam should be here to see how a gentleman really treats a woman. Unfortunately, this thought makes her start thinking about Liz and Sam all over again and she ends up writing things like “He’s such a commitmentphobic, lying jerk, Liz! What were you thinking?” in amongst her “analytical prose.” Before she can score any of it out, her exam paper is grabbed from her. Brett asks if she’s okay. Jess thinks that she’s finally cracked.

Todd is still in denial about why all of the work-placement companies rejected him, and calls every single one to hear the same “Not in college? Can’t work here.” line. He drifts into sleep as he’s on hold with the last company and has two dreams; in the first he’s at Frankie’s and all of the taps are empty. In the second, he’s at Frankie’s again but the taps won’t stop pouring out beer and soon Todd is floating around in beer. He bashes on the windows trying to get out and all of the Sweet Valley regulars are outside shouting “Break!” at him. Or is it “Brake!” ? And break what? This rather philosophical for a SVU book. But then again, dreams have always had deep meanings in Sweet Valley.

Chapter 6

Sam pulls Liz’s chair out from the table for her and she says “Chivalry lives” and then mentally kicks herself and asks “Who was this cheerleader-slash-shrew who had overtaken her body?” Sam looks nervous and Liz wonders if it is because of how she is behaving. Well, duh - you’re not exactly being yourself so maybe he’s wondering how he’s managed to go on a date with Fake!Liz. Sam says that he has something to tell her, about things which he “omitted” to tell her when they first met, AKA lied about. Liz mentions the money issue and Sam admits that, yeah, his parents are rich but he isn’t - he’s disowned them and they haven’t spoken to each other since that happened. Liz thinks that Sam “was obviously in great agony.” She makes it sound as if he has a bullet in his chest, not parental issues. Instead of waiting until Sam is ready to talk about his parents “she decided to press it just a little bit further.” I’m sure that’s a fantastic plan, Lizzie.

“‘Do you ever talk about why your disowned them?’ Elizabeth asked, using the classic psychological distancing technique she had perfected for her difficult interviews.”

“Sam shot her a look,” probably one which said “Dude, I’m your boyfriend, not one of your charity cases.” He tells her that he’s not going to talk about it at the moment. She tells him that that’s okay, but she’d like to hear his story sometime. Then she nearly tells him that she loves him - then wonders if she really does love him. She manages to say “I really care about you” and he says that he cares about her too, and blushes. Liz thinks that “she couldn’t believe how human he was being.” Let me ask this again - how is she even remotely attracted to Sam? First, she said that she liked his moodiness, and now she is commenting on the fact that he rarely has human emotions? Liz, you are crazy. But I’m sure we all knew that. Liz asks Sam to the semi-formal and he’s like, Yeah, okay, and looks rather awkward. Liz feels insecure and excited and has to remind herself that her new relationship isn’t just about her. I never thought I’d say this but: Poor moody, inhuman Sam.

Sam and Liz leave the café, and he thinks about how glad he was that their food arrived in time for the “interrogation” to stop. Would you date someone who interrogated you? I thought not. Sam goes on and on about feeling like a prisoner being interrogated when he is with Liz. He thinks about how their relationship has completely changed in the last day. Sam mentions something about his family and Liz tells a funny story about Steven, and Sam thinks that maybe she told the story to emphasise how crap his childhood was. Um, maybe she just thought you’d find the story funny? Sam thankfully realises how paranoid he’s being. Liz squeezes his hand and he thinks “This is so extreme.” Yep, hand-holding is pretty much the same as bungee-jumping.

Chapter 7

Chloe gets the bus home with all her bags and gets annoyed when the bus driver looks at them and asks if she’s having a big night out. How dare he make polite conversation! Chloe daydreams about how amazing it’ll be to be popular and have the attention of every bloke at SVU once she’s put on her new “hot” clothes - a daydream which would never become a reality in a real Uni with more than 50 students at it. A nosy woman comes and sits next to her and literally interrogates her about why she’s buying so much stuff and if she has a boyfriend. Once the woman starts talking to someone else, Chloe begins pouting at her reflection in the window. She finally gets it right, and thinks that she “looked kind of like the younger sister of Calista Flockhart” (whoever she is) and then the woman asks her if she’s okay - as in, her face makes her look like she’s in pain. Haha.

Sam tells Liz that he’s going to study and she just about dies at the fact that they’re going to be separated. She tells him that she’ll make dinner for them tonight, and nearly says that it’s to celebrate that they’re a couple finally, but quickly changes it to celebrating that finals are nearly over. Sam’s like, Okay, cool, I’m off to study now, and Liz is still all worried. She decides to go and ask Nina for advice. Poor Nina. Not getting much studying done today! Liz tells Nina everything, and Nina asks where Sam is now. When Liz says that he’s studying with his friends from OCC, Nina isn’t impressed. Because, you see guys, as soon as you start dating someone you have to spend every second of your day with them - no male friends. These girl’s views on relationships are so screwed up. Nina, I had respect in you for the whole Chloe thing, and now you’ve lost it! Nina points out that Sam has been a jerk all year - thus, according to Nina, Sam should be spending every second with Liz to make up for his behaviour. Nina tells Liz that she deserves the best, and Liz thinks that she doesn’t want the best; she wants Sam. I bang my head against a brick wall in frustration.

Chloe gets back from the shops and all of the Theta girls are amazed at how much stuff she’s bought. Then they head out to the mall to take a break from studying, and Chloe’s like, Hey, I’m a trendsetter! Yeah, no one’s ever discovered retail therapy before now. Chloe is mentally listing all of the celebrities whose styles she wants to copy when some girl comes up and asks Chloe if she can borrow notes, and Chloe’s crappy answers suggest that she’s not done ANY studying. Can’t you get chucked out of Uni. for failing your exams? I know you get a resit, but still. Chloe gets all dressed up - in trousers, a tank top and a tie-front cardigan. Um, since when was that sexy? Are they made out of red lace or sheer gauze or something?

Sam is all mopey because he lied to Liz about going to study with his friends. He thinks that he needs to take things slowly with her. Then Sam has a little Emo time about his awful family and other deep stuff which none of us are really interested in.

Chapter 8

Liz wanders around campus all mopey (being mopey is also a theme in this book) because none of her friends could be there for her to help her through the Sam thing. Um, maybe that’s because they’re STUDYING? Apparently the SVU semiformal advertising committee think the dude from Titanic is still a heartthrob, and Liz comments that this is OLD. Come on guys, get your pop-culture references right! Actually, I hate pop-culture references. They’re a cheap substitute for adjectives. Liz charms some blonde surfer at the library into letting her use his computer. She studies for three seconds before going to check her emails in case Sam has emailed her. She wonders why her friends can’t see Sam’s good points. BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE. Liz then starts thinking about losing her virginity to Sam. Liz spots Jess and sprints out of the library, worrying about how much studying she has to do when all she wants to do is think about Sam. I actually know someone who didn’t study for their English exam because they were worried about some bloke they were “seeing”. They were not a fun person to be around in the days before our exam, so I completely understand why all of Liz’s friends are ignoring her. HAHA. No sympathy for you!

Neil calls someone official about getting a new phone line in his new flat, and having his name taken off another phone line. It’s going to cost loads of money, and Neil worries about where he’s going to get the money from. This is a sign that Neil moving out is Not Meant To Be. Gosh, I never saw that one coming.

Tom wakes up at 4pm - because he’s a horrible, non-College-attending person, and they ALWAYS sleep in until 4pm. Tom starts calling some more companies, calling himself an “independent business consultant.” Um, yeah. He’s disappointed that the first business tells him that all of their professional employees have to have college degrees. He starts to think that he’s going to be at Frankie’s forever, and realises that making it in the business world without any decent qualifications is pretty much impossible. You think?

Jessica notices Liz avoiding her in the library and feels like crying, because her day has been so bad. She thinks about how long it has been since she and Liz last hung out together, and how they’re drifting apart. She wonders whether she’s worrying about Liz’s love-life because hers is so bad, and reflects that she’s become quite mature this year. She looks down at her Art book and then considers getting an internship at the gallery where she bought it. Uh-huh, and I’m looking at my copy of Elizabeth in Love and considering becoming a ghostwriter! She decides to ask her professor who owns the gallery and try to get an internship, and then feels a whole lot better and plans to chill out with Neil and Liz tonight. Wow, quick turnaround in emotions!

Chapter 9

Chloe is at the library to pick up some hotties. No, really, that is her purpose there. Some guy asks her the time and she thinks that he must be totally into her. Um, yeah. Nina turns up and Chloe asks her what she thinks. Nina tells her that she looks a bit OTT and Chloe comments that Nina can pull it off, and Nina tells her that she has an “innocent beauty.” Another bloke comes along and asks her the time, and Chloe is like, Wow, hottie alert! Except he’s puffing on a cigarette which is not exactly a turn-on for me. Apparently he’s a dead ringer for Ryan Philippe. Anyone know who he is? He asks her out for a cappuccino at Yum-Yums, the only café on the entire planet. Chloe just about has a heart attack out of excitement.

Liz is so excited about seeing Sam that night (because they haven’t seen each other for all of two hours or something) that she plans a candle-light dinner for them. Because that’s going to be the kind of thing Sam likes. Liz goes to the “incredibly expensive and fancy gourmet grocery where she allowed herself to shop only for special occasions.” Since when did students have money to spend on anything other than pasta and toast? Amusingly, Liz manages to spend $78 on items which I know for are available at reasonable prices at my local ASDA Walmart. She hands over her credit card and considers this dinner with Sam “an investment for the future.” Ha. Who’s read the next book in this series?

Jess’s been to the video store in preparation for her evening in with Liz and Neil and also impulsively bought Liz a little picture frame, in which the placement photo had two blonde girls - to remind Liz that sisters and friends are there forever, whereas “liar boyfriends weren’t.” Jess has some men issues. She arrives home and finds Liz cooking all the stupidly-expensive food and noticing the two plates on the table, automatically gets annoyed again. Jess tells Liz that it’s nice how she’s going to fail all her finals because she’s majoring in Sam. Liz tells her that she’s a straight-A student and not to be stupid. Neil comes in and suggests that Jess is so annoyed at Liz’s relationship because she’s usually the sensible twin. At least, according to her name-tag that is. I’ve yet to see any signs of this. Jess says that she’s just worried about Liz getting hurt. She gives Liz the picture frame and she cries. Mary-Anne Spier much? Jess kind of decides to let Liz make her own choices and not freak out too much.

Liz is getting all excited about the dinner, and what might happen afterward! She sets up a dinner table in Sam’s room, complete with a tablecloth, flowers and a candle. I’m sure Sam will love it.

Chapter 10

Sam spent $38 dollars on flowers for Liz on his way home and realises that he’s not going to be able to eat for the week. Hey, neither is Liz so no worries - you can starve together! How romantic! Sam starts to think about the things he loves about Liz, and then freaks out because he thought about love. “Love was freakin’ scary.” Oh yes, this is my idea of a dream man. He comes home and notices Liz cooking for him and feels like he’s married. And this is a bad thing. Then he sees the lovely table and whatever set up in his room and thinks that it is a “violation of his things-I-do-as-a-guy rules.” You know what? One of my guyfriends said that he’d like to be given flowers, just once, by a girl. To defy stereotypes and all that. He’s like the anti-Sam. Or does that mean he’s the anti-man? Ha, even Liz admits that Sam isn’t human. Anyway, back in Sam-is-a-jerk world, Sam is in a sweat because he “desperately” wants Liz, but not at this speed. So, desperately slow? Oxymoron time!

Todd goes to Frankie’s and falls asleep and dreams that he’s serving all the SVH regulars, but he’s old and fat with long hair. Not long hair!! He’s also now the manager of Frankie’s, and has been for five years. Suddenly he starts to worry if that it will really happen to him if he sticks at Frankie’s for any longer. He realises that working full time doesn’t give him the options that he thought he would get from being independent, and that he can get both independence and options from college. Gee, pity he had to drop out and get depressed to realise that! He tells Rita that he has an emergency and will be back in a few hours. Obviously he’s going to register at the college again, which none of us ever suspected would happen in this book.

Chloe goes to The Only Cafe in the World to meet her date and charms some random frat boys. She meets James, who calls her sexy. It’s rather amusing that everything I find repulsive about this guy makes Chloe’s heart flutter like a butterfly. He goes on about how he couldn’t stop thinking about her all day and Chloe is ecstatic. James orders Chloe’s drink for her without asking what she wants, and she pretends not to be annoyed. He starts stroking her thigh and Chloe has clearly been living under a rock her whole life as she doesn’t freak out. Surely this girl can’t have grown up in Sweet Valley with stalkers and date-rapists! Their cappuccinos arrive and turn into espressos and then back in cappuccinos by the end of the paragraph. James eats both the biscuits. Chloe decides that he isn’t her dream man, but she could invite him to the semi-formal. Oh, and he hates SVU so obviously there is something wrong with his brain. He asks her if she has her own room, and Chloe’s like, Yay, he’s paying attention to me. Um, Chloe? Did you grow up in a nunnery? James suggests they go to his apartment and Chloe somehow thinks this is perfectly normal for a first date. He leaves $5 on the table and Chloe makes up the rest, because apparently biscotti are $2 each. How do these kids afford to eat there every day? They get to his apartment and the paint is peeling off the wall in the stairway OHNOES! James gets her a drink and it’s some sort of ALCOHOL, OHNOESX2! Then he starts snogging her face off and she seems to think it’s “cool” until he tries to take her skirt off and she finally gets the idea that JAMES IS NOT A NICE BOY - especially as he gets her name wrong. Chloe begins to realise the Sweet Valley Lesson of This Book - that dressing like a slut makes men think you’re a slut. Unless you’re a Wakefield. However, James doesn’t seem to want to let go of Chloe, so she gets rid of him by asking for a drink to make her loosen up and then hightails it out of there. She goes to find the only person who will be nice to her after her little mistake - Nina. Oh man, Nina is not getting any studying done this week. (Disclaimer: This issue was actually handled quite well for SVU, but I can’t believe that Chloe is so clueless about men at 18).

Liz is getting ready for her dinner with Sam and is so excited that she and Sam are an item - not that she’s ever discussed this with him. She notices a box of birth control pills, and comments that they could change her life! She gives us a rather Meg Cabot-esque lecture about how reliable different forms of birth control are. She thinks that birth control doesn’t make sex very romantic. Yeah, babies don’t either, I'll bet. She wonders when she’ll finally be ready to have sex, which is odd as she seemed ready two sentences ago. Liz begins thinking about sex with Sam. She recaps some Finn stuff for us. She wonders about asking Jess about sex, and wishes she’d read more Cosmo articles. Finally she decides to talk to - guess who? - Nina!

Sam’s bored of waiting for Liz to come and eat dinner with him, so decides to go outside and get some air and for some reason, needs to wear one of his “trademark baseball caps” to do this. He notices all the pots and pans Liz had used on his way through the kitchen and this makes him worry more about becoming a real couple. Then he goes outside and rambles inwardly and boringly about his commitment and intimacy issues.

Chapter 11

Chloe turns up at Nina’s place and cries and tells Nina everything that happened. Chloe expects a lecture, but Nina is just glad that Chloe’s safe. She tells her that sometimes she tries too hard to get guys, and she just needs to be herself and the right people will like her - she doesn’t need to change anything about herself. And if anything ever goes wrong, it’s not the woman’s fault - some men are just jerks. Um, I guess half of that statement makes sense.

Todd is heading to the Dean’s office to reregister for SVU, and contemplates that there are advantages to being a rich kid; he has financial security, parents can afford to and want to pay his college fees, etc. It’s taken him this long to realise that? Todd thinks that he isn’t going to rely on his parents his whole life like the other rich kids, but he's still going to go to college, and he isn't going to act like the other rich kids. Or something like that.

Jess is sitting at home, waiting for Neil to arrive to watch movies with her. She feels like a total loser, and wonders why, she, the most popular girl on campus, is sitting at home on her own. I think when I go to Uni in September, I'll aspire to be the most popular girl there, just like Jess. I'll let you know how that plan works out. Anyway, Jess decides to have an impromptu party to cheer herself up. She calls some people who are blabber mouths, such as Lila, and tells them about the party. Just then, Mona (remember, the girl Neil as going to move in with?) calls and tells Jess that her roommate has decided not to move out, so the deal’s fallen through. Jess is shocked.

Nina is at home studying, when Chloe calls and invites her to Jess’s party. For a moment Nina thinks that she should study, but then realises that, like Chloe, she went too far in one direction - to the extent of not having any fun at all. So she goes to get ready to go out.

Chapter 12

Sam comes home to face the music. Liz is getting the dinner ready and they have an ICE BUCKET for the wine. Seriously? Even my parents just put it in the fridge for a couple of hours. They sit around for a bit and then Sam admits that he feels a bit uncomfortable. FINALLY! Liz is like, I knew that, but have you tried the rice yet? Sam is like, Really, I’m not the candles and romance guy. Liz makes a comment about doing something you’re not into for the sake of someone else. He says that they don’t need to do fancy stuff. Liz says that this is her kind of thing, so can’t he just do it for her, since she put up with his stuff last year. Were they even a couple last year? I thought they hated each other? But Sam’s like, Cool, it’s a deal. Um, WHAT? Sam worries for the whole book and then when he talks to Liz she says Tough, deal with it? That’s way unfair. At least, for me. Sam seems okay with it, which is not consistent with his characterisation in this book. Oh, help, I’m analysing a SVU book. Moving on! Liz says that she wanted to have this dinner so that they could finally talk, because she wants to get to know him before their relationship goes any further. Gee, I kind of want to get to know someone before I even get into a relationship. So Sam agrees to tell her all about his family and his life before they go any further.

So Sam tells Liz his story. Basically, he rejected his rich family and that’s why he’s dirt poor. He’s using some money that his grandfather left him to pay for college. Don’t you guys get student loans over there? Liz is suddenly like, Wow, this is a serious story, no wonder he waited to tell me it. Then Sam tells Liz that she’s changed him. Yeah, you and every kid on the front of a SVH cover. Liz tells Sam that a relationship is about mutual respect (um, and love?) and she doesn’t want him to live by her rules. Which is totally not what she said four pages ago, but whatever.

Chloe feels happy and confident. YAY. She takes all of the slutty clothes and fancy make-up that she’d bought earlier and dumps it in the Theta common room, telling them it’s free. She puts on her favourite outfit and heads to the party.

Chapter 13

Jess is still in shock from learning that Neil was going to move out. She wonders why he doesn’t want to be friends with her. Jess, you can be friends with someone you don’t live with. Just like you can live with people you’re not friends with! Like Sam! Neil comes home and tells her that he just couldn’t cope with the fighting anymore. See, Jess, told you that was all it was! And tada, the plot is solved in three pages. Oh yeah, and Neil tried to tell her a million times. And, you know what, he decided not to move out even before Mona called. He realised that he didn’t really want to move out, he just wanted to Jess that he was stressed. Yeah, I get stress and moving out confused all the time. And he bought her a beeper as a present, so she can contact him whenever she needs to talk.

Chloe’s about to go into the party when she meets some girl from her old dorm, and her super cute brother. Naturally. They talk about the semiformal and Chloe says she’s going Stag. Chloe’s brother asks if she'll save him a dance. And all is happy in Chloe Land.

Chapter 14

Nina is all dressed up and finally decides to go to her friend’s “infamous Friday-night study sessions” which were a “must for all Physics majors.” Yeah... I’m glad I’m not doing any sciences ever again. But Nina goes off and enjoys herself too. She meets some teacher of Philosophy from New Zealand and they hit it off. Basically, the message of this book is BE YOURSELF AND YOU’LL GET A GUY.

Todd meets Lila coming out of the Dean’s office. HI LILA! Where have you been? He tells her that he’s going back to college, and she invites him to Jess’s party. But he has to go back to Frankie’s and tell them about his new plans. Rita is really proud of him, yada yada. So Todd is happy - but he doesn’t get a date. Looks like that theory only works for girls.

Sam and Liz are cuddling on his bed. OMG and eww. Sam is like, I really want to make this relationship work and Liz is like, I’m ready to have sex now! And Sam is like, Liz, we have ages to go before that.

Sam thinks about how great his relationship is, and how he wants to take things slow. It's boring. Let's move on.

Jess is dancing with the two blokes we met earlier in the book. Continuity! Liz and Sam turn up, looking confused, and Neil introduces her to some gay guy. Really, he tells her this, as if to say HE’S MINE. Jess is all happy, and can’t wait for the summer. She thinks about her plans - maybe she’d get the art gallery internship, and if not she’d work at Yum-Yums, and hang out with Liz and Neil. And then they’ll be Juniors in September!

There’s a lot of foreshadowing about how they’re going to have an awesome summer and about starting Junior year, which makes me think that maybe the publishers HADN’T always planned to ship Liz off to London to work for some made-up Earl. But, aww, here’s the end of the series, save for one last super edition/thriller. And you know what? I kind of wish we did get to read about Jess’s awesome summer, rather than Liz’s crappy adventures in London. But we don't. So, thanks for reading!