"Crawling Backwards" Ch 18
Title: Crawling Backwards
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Nice, new, loooong summery: Bam and Ville are in the midst of a rocky relationship. Forbidden love, lies, deceit, the whole she-bang. But it’s quickly becoming too much for the Finnish man to handle. Ville, out of desperation, accepts a few Xanax from Novak one night when Bam is out. The pills help him forget the troubled relationship that he’s in, but only momentarily. With the help of the famed drug addict, he falls into much harder substances-cocaine being the major one. Sometimes in life there is no easy answer, and cop-outs is all we're given. But are they really the cure-all that everyone claims them to be?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
This lovely banner was made by the one and only annushkazhivago. Thanks bunches, doll!
Links to previous chapters behind the cut.
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
I awoke the next morning to an atrocious pain in my stomach and lightning in my brain. It felt as if I had been run twice over with a Mac-Truck, and no matter how many times I tried to readjust my position on the bed the pain just got worse. Clawing at my stomach in what could only be viewed as an act of desperation, the night before came crashing into my memory, threatening to knock me off of the bed. What the fuck had I done? How could I have been so fucking stupid? My brain tried to organize the myriad of thoughts rushing through my mind, but I didn’t have time for that. Without warning I felt something lurch inside of me, the contents of the previous night were threatening to come back up. Quickly pushing myself out of the bed, I stumbled toward the in-suite bathroom, praying to whatever god would listen that I made it in time.
Cold porcelain attacked my bare arms as I leaned heavily on the toilet, my vision blurring as I tried and failed to keep the world from spinning. This was no ordinary hangover, of that I was certain. No, this must be what it feels like to die.
I tried to vomit up whatever was making me sick, but it only resulted in painful dry-heaving and a sore throat. For a second I could have sworn that it had all been a dream, that I was merely hung-over and couldn’t properly remember the idiotic things I had done the night before. But I knew that it was all just a fabricated lie, my minds way of protecting itself from the gruesome knowledge that I had truly fucked things up. Roughly shoving myself away from the porcelain god, I swatted at the flush lever until it finally did its job and moved toward the sink. One glance in the mirror confirmed all of my worst nightmares.
I looked like shit.
The face staring back at me was hardly my own. Sunken cheeks accentuated my face to the point where any normal person would assume I was anorexic, my skin taking on a ghost-like pallor and my hair hanging in greasy strands across my face. My eyes seemed faded and dull, as if they had witnessed a life far more painful than the one I was living-and, perhaps, they had. My brain was working on autopilot as I turned on the cold tap and flushed my face with freezing water, gently scrubbing away the remnants of a day’s worth of makeup and dirt. The simple cleansing did nothing for my soul, though. I still felt haggard and used.
“You’ve really dug yourself into a hole this time, huh Ville?” I asked my reflection quietly, half expecting it to answer me back. When it didn’t I offered up a scowl instead, flicking off the lights and heading back to the bedroom I called home.
Every part of my body felt sore. My joints were stiff and each movement only made them ache ten times more, muscles protesting as I passed up the bed in favor of the wardrobe opposite it. I may feel like shit, but there were things I had to take care of. And one of those things was Bam.
How could I have been so foolish? After the stunt I pulled last night, he probably hated me now. I wouldn’t blame him.
Pulling on an old pair of loose fitting jeans and a worn Black Sabbath t-shirt, I shuffled out the door and into the bright hallway. The mess from the previous night’s party was already cleaned up and the house was restored to its formal glory. It was almost as if nothing had occurred here the night before. April truly had a way with cleaning.
Before I even reached the stairs I could hear them in the kitchen, nosily clanging together pots and pans, obviously trying to make as much noise as humanly possible. It was Dunn that spotted me first, sharp blue eyes sparkling beneath an array of uncombed blonde hair. I knew what he wanted to say, but I silenced him before he got the chance.
“So what’s on the menu today, boys?” I asked with the usual rockstar confidence that I had honed over the years. Four sets of eyes snapped in my direction, just now noticing my presence as I ambled into the kitchen. There was a heated silence for a moment before Bam decided to speak up.
“Dude, how much did you drink last night?” He asked with that laugh of his that I knew was forged. When he only got a shrug for an answer, he continued on with the interrogation. “I mean, seriously, I’ve never seen you that hammered before.”
The guys around him all nodded in agreement, casting me a mixture of concerned and hateful glances. Seeing those looks from them was something I wasn’t expecting, but I pushed it aside and sat myself down on the island barstool. When it became apparent that I wasn’t planning on answering Bam’s previous question, they moved on to whatever they were doing before I interrupted them. A good three minutes passed before Dunn sat down beside me, a friendly hand reaching out to rest on my right shoulder. To say I was surprised was an understatement.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked quietly, making sure that the others couldn’t hear what he was saying. I cast him a strange look before nodding, standing from the island and following him into the living room. I could still hear the others running about the kitchen, but the large living room offered up a sense of silence that was more than welcomed.
“What did you want to talk about?” the question was harsh and direct, something I wasn’t expecting but played along with nonetheless. Dunn gave me a serious look before guiding me toward the couch.
“Listen, I know what’s going on.” He sat down beside me, turned slightly so he could look me in the eye. That one sentence threw me off guard, and I nearly panicked. How the fuck could he know? What if he told Bam? What would Bam do? Would he kick me the fuck out? I felt my heart skip a beat with each question that ran through my mind, and forming words became increasingly difficult.
“W-What are you talking about?” The vulnerable child within was making its presence known, and I mentally cursed myself for giving it free-roam.
“Don’t play dumb with me,” Dunn nearly scowled, his eyebrows scrunching up in a look that definitely didn’t suit him. I half expected him to punch me in the face, but when he didn’t move I was even more surprised. “I know how you feel about Bam. Shit, I know how he feels about you”
At his words my heart skipped another beat, but this time it wasn’t frightening. It felt almost…comforting. My breathing returned to normal at the knowledge that he really didn’t know what had gone on the night before, and a cocky smile played on my lips. Forcing myself to frown, I asked, “Do you really? Because I have no idea what you’re talking about…”
“Yes you do, Ville,” he laughed lightly. “Look around this fucking house, the man’s in love with you. And I know you feel the same way-I can see it in your eyes. You guys came very close to blowing it last night. Were you drunk or something?”
“Uh…yeah,” I nodded, placing a guilty look on my face and trying not to give away too much information. If he thought I was inebriated, all the better.
“Well you’d better watch yourself next time. I know what you guys are doing, but Bam obviously doesn’t want us to find out-otherwise he would’ve told us by now. I know what you’re thinking, but give him some time. He’ll come around eventually.”
I couldn’t help but smile at Dunn. I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing. Well, not nothing. He was being a good friend, and for that I was more than thankful. If there was anyone who knew Bam from a friends-only stand point is was Ryan, and a part of me took comfort in the fact that he had picked up on our little escapades.
“Yeah man, I know what you mean,” I nodded slightly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure the others weren’t watching us. “I was just drunk, that’s all. I wouldn’t have been so reckless if I was sober.”
“Boy do I know it,” he laughed for a second before his face turned serious again. “I just wanted to let you know…that I know. In case you needed someone to talk to. Does that make any sense?”
I flashed him my photographer’s smile and said, “It makes all the sense in the world. Thanks, man.”
With that we shared a friendly hug and walked back to the kitchen, neither of us surprised that the other boys had made a complete mess and then proceeded to play in it. Flour lined the walls and there were pots everywhere, another sign of your average day at Castle Bam. I couldn’t stifle the chuckle that left my lips as I reclaimed my previous spot, pouring myself a cup of coffee and enjoying the show.
~*~
Bam found me sitting on the deck a few hours later, a half spent cigarette resting between my thin lips and my arms wrapped around myself in an attempt to block out the soft breeze. He didn’t say anything as he took a seat beside me, the floorboards of the deck creaking as he came closer. I felt his eyes on me, boring holes in the side of my head as unasked questions radiated off of him like a cancer. There was no hostility in his presence though, only a deep rooted sense of understanding.
We sat there in silence, neither of us really knowing how to start a conversation after the event that had taken place the night before. He cleared his throat a few times, a desperate attempt to alleviate the oppressive silence, but made no attempt to speak actual words. A part of me felt guilty for not making the first move. After all, I was the one who made an ass out of myself, it would only be fair for me to right my wrongs. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ashamed of my actions, and bringing them up now would only make things worse.
Right?
“So, uhm…what’s up?” His tentative voice cut through the silence like a warm knife through butter, crippling my nerves and causing me to stammer. He was usually good with words, but something about that question sounded defeated and it killed me to know that I brought that on him.
“Listen, Bam, I’m sorry…” I don’t know where I was trying to get with a cop out like that, but I was out of ideas. My head unconsciously dipped down as the words left my mouth, afraid of whatever answer he would fire back at me in his rage. I knew more than an apology was needed, but for some reason I couldn’t get my mouth to form the proper words. When a warm hand was placed on my shoulder, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“You don’t have to apologize Ville, you were drunk,” he whispered, his grip tightening the slightest bit. The last word made me cringe with the knowledge that I had inadvertently lied to the man I cherished the most. I had fooled him and it was wrong. He deserved to know the truth, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I was too ashamed.
“Yeah,” I nodded, leaning into his touch. “It’s just…I should’ve thought more. I know how you feel about your friends, I shouldn’t have done something so careless. What if they freaked out on us?”
“They wouldn’t have, Novak’s done worse at parties before.”
Again I felt myself cringing. Novak. Was I really that different from him anymore? “I guess so…but I still feel guilty.”
“Don’t.” One word was all he had to say to make me feel better and a million times worse all at once. One word. I cast him a thankful smile, one that I knew would win him over and at the same time protect the lies that I was hiding. At what point had I become a liar? At what point in my life had I learned to take advantage of the man I loved?
“I love you, Brandon.”
“I love you, too.”
Four words. Four simple words surrounding just one important one: love. That’s all I needed to hear.
~*~
What's with me updating my fics at the wee hours of the morning? And I'm pretty dissapointed with this chapter...again. Sigh. Maybe I should like...think about the chapters a bit more before writing them out? Let me know what you think.
Oh, and I'm still in need of a new summary. I posted this one tonight, but...I don't know about it. It'll do for now, I guess.
Author: 616HasGotAName
Fandom: Music/VAM
Summery: Nice, new, loooong summery: Bam and Ville are in the midst of a rocky relationship. Forbidden love, lies, deceit, the whole she-bang. But it’s quickly becoming too much for the Finnish man to handle. Ville, out of desperation, accepts a few Xanax from Novak one night when Bam is out. The pills help him forget the troubled relationship that he’s in, but only momentarily. With the help of the famed drug addict, he falls into much harder substances-cocaine being the major one. Sometimes in life there is no easy answer, and cop-outs is all we're given. But are they really the cure-all that everyone claims them to be?
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: VAM…eventually.
Rating: NC-17 in some parts…but generally it’s R
This lovely banner was made by the one and only annushkazhivago. Thanks bunches, doll!
Links to previous chapters behind the cut.
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
I awoke the next morning to an atrocious pain in my stomach and lightning in my brain. It felt as if I had been run twice over with a Mac-Truck, and no matter how many times I tried to readjust my position on the bed the pain just got worse. Clawing at my stomach in what could only be viewed as an act of desperation, the night before came crashing into my memory, threatening to knock me off of the bed. What the fuck had I done? How could I have been so fucking stupid? My brain tried to organize the myriad of thoughts rushing through my mind, but I didn’t have time for that. Without warning I felt something lurch inside of me, the contents of the previous night were threatening to come back up. Quickly pushing myself out of the bed, I stumbled toward the in-suite bathroom, praying to whatever god would listen that I made it in time.
Cold porcelain attacked my bare arms as I leaned heavily on the toilet, my vision blurring as I tried and failed to keep the world from spinning. This was no ordinary hangover, of that I was certain. No, this must be what it feels like to die.
I tried to vomit up whatever was making me sick, but it only resulted in painful dry-heaving and a sore throat. For a second I could have sworn that it had all been a dream, that I was merely hung-over and couldn’t properly remember the idiotic things I had done the night before. But I knew that it was all just a fabricated lie, my minds way of protecting itself from the gruesome knowledge that I had truly fucked things up. Roughly shoving myself away from the porcelain god, I swatted at the flush lever until it finally did its job and moved toward the sink. One glance in the mirror confirmed all of my worst nightmares.
I looked like shit.
The face staring back at me was hardly my own. Sunken cheeks accentuated my face to the point where any normal person would assume I was anorexic, my skin taking on a ghost-like pallor and my hair hanging in greasy strands across my face. My eyes seemed faded and dull, as if they had witnessed a life far more painful than the one I was living-and, perhaps, they had. My brain was working on autopilot as I turned on the cold tap and flushed my face with freezing water, gently scrubbing away the remnants of a day’s worth of makeup and dirt. The simple cleansing did nothing for my soul, though. I still felt haggard and used.
“You’ve really dug yourself into a hole this time, huh Ville?” I asked my reflection quietly, half expecting it to answer me back. When it didn’t I offered up a scowl instead, flicking off the lights and heading back to the bedroom I called home.
Every part of my body felt sore. My joints were stiff and each movement only made them ache ten times more, muscles protesting as I passed up the bed in favor of the wardrobe opposite it. I may feel like shit, but there were things I had to take care of. And one of those things was Bam.
How could I have been so foolish? After the stunt I pulled last night, he probably hated me now. I wouldn’t blame him.
Pulling on an old pair of loose fitting jeans and a worn Black Sabbath t-shirt, I shuffled out the door and into the bright hallway. The mess from the previous night’s party was already cleaned up and the house was restored to its formal glory. It was almost as if nothing had occurred here the night before. April truly had a way with cleaning.
Before I even reached the stairs I could hear them in the kitchen, nosily clanging together pots and pans, obviously trying to make as much noise as humanly possible. It was Dunn that spotted me first, sharp blue eyes sparkling beneath an array of uncombed blonde hair. I knew what he wanted to say, but I silenced him before he got the chance.
“So what’s on the menu today, boys?” I asked with the usual rockstar confidence that I had honed over the years. Four sets of eyes snapped in my direction, just now noticing my presence as I ambled into the kitchen. There was a heated silence for a moment before Bam decided to speak up.
“Dude, how much did you drink last night?” He asked with that laugh of his that I knew was forged. When he only got a shrug for an answer, he continued on with the interrogation. “I mean, seriously, I’ve never seen you that hammered before.”
The guys around him all nodded in agreement, casting me a mixture of concerned and hateful glances. Seeing those looks from them was something I wasn’t expecting, but I pushed it aside and sat myself down on the island barstool. When it became apparent that I wasn’t planning on answering Bam’s previous question, they moved on to whatever they were doing before I interrupted them. A good three minutes passed before Dunn sat down beside me, a friendly hand reaching out to rest on my right shoulder. To say I was surprised was an understatement.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked quietly, making sure that the others couldn’t hear what he was saying. I cast him a strange look before nodding, standing from the island and following him into the living room. I could still hear the others running about the kitchen, but the large living room offered up a sense of silence that was more than welcomed.
“What did you want to talk about?” the question was harsh and direct, something I wasn’t expecting but played along with nonetheless. Dunn gave me a serious look before guiding me toward the couch.
“Listen, I know what’s going on.” He sat down beside me, turned slightly so he could look me in the eye. That one sentence threw me off guard, and I nearly panicked. How the fuck could he know? What if he told Bam? What would Bam do? Would he kick me the fuck out? I felt my heart skip a beat with each question that ran through my mind, and forming words became increasingly difficult.
“W-What are you talking about?” The vulnerable child within was making its presence known, and I mentally cursed myself for giving it free-roam.
“Don’t play dumb with me,” Dunn nearly scowled, his eyebrows scrunching up in a look that definitely didn’t suit him. I half expected him to punch me in the face, but when he didn’t move I was even more surprised. “I know how you feel about Bam. Shit, I know how he feels about you”
At his words my heart skipped another beat, but this time it wasn’t frightening. It felt almost…comforting. My breathing returned to normal at the knowledge that he really didn’t know what had gone on the night before, and a cocky smile played on my lips. Forcing myself to frown, I asked, “Do you really? Because I have no idea what you’re talking about…”
“Yes you do, Ville,” he laughed lightly. “Look around this fucking house, the man’s in love with you. And I know you feel the same way-I can see it in your eyes. You guys came very close to blowing it last night. Were you drunk or something?”
“Uh…yeah,” I nodded, placing a guilty look on my face and trying not to give away too much information. If he thought I was inebriated, all the better.
“Well you’d better watch yourself next time. I know what you guys are doing, but Bam obviously doesn’t want us to find out-otherwise he would’ve told us by now. I know what you’re thinking, but give him some time. He’ll come around eventually.”
I couldn’t help but smile at Dunn. I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing. Well, not nothing. He was being a good friend, and for that I was more than thankful. If there was anyone who knew Bam from a friends-only stand point is was Ryan, and a part of me took comfort in the fact that he had picked up on our little escapades.
“Yeah man, I know what you mean,” I nodded slightly, glancing over my shoulder to make sure the others weren’t watching us. “I was just drunk, that’s all. I wouldn’t have been so reckless if I was sober.”
“Boy do I know it,” he laughed for a second before his face turned serious again. “I just wanted to let you know…that I know. In case you needed someone to talk to. Does that make any sense?”
I flashed him my photographer’s smile and said, “It makes all the sense in the world. Thanks, man.”
With that we shared a friendly hug and walked back to the kitchen, neither of us surprised that the other boys had made a complete mess and then proceeded to play in it. Flour lined the walls and there were pots everywhere, another sign of your average day at Castle Bam. I couldn’t stifle the chuckle that left my lips as I reclaimed my previous spot, pouring myself a cup of coffee and enjoying the show.
~*~
Bam found me sitting on the deck a few hours later, a half spent cigarette resting between my thin lips and my arms wrapped around myself in an attempt to block out the soft breeze. He didn’t say anything as he took a seat beside me, the floorboards of the deck creaking as he came closer. I felt his eyes on me, boring holes in the side of my head as unasked questions radiated off of him like a cancer. There was no hostility in his presence though, only a deep rooted sense of understanding.
We sat there in silence, neither of us really knowing how to start a conversation after the event that had taken place the night before. He cleared his throat a few times, a desperate attempt to alleviate the oppressive silence, but made no attempt to speak actual words. A part of me felt guilty for not making the first move. After all, I was the one who made an ass out of myself, it would only be fair for me to right my wrongs. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was ashamed of my actions, and bringing them up now would only make things worse.
Right?
“So, uhm…what’s up?” His tentative voice cut through the silence like a warm knife through butter, crippling my nerves and causing me to stammer. He was usually good with words, but something about that question sounded defeated and it killed me to know that I brought that on him.
“Listen, Bam, I’m sorry…” I don’t know where I was trying to get with a cop out like that, but I was out of ideas. My head unconsciously dipped down as the words left my mouth, afraid of whatever answer he would fire back at me in his rage. I knew more than an apology was needed, but for some reason I couldn’t get my mouth to form the proper words. When a warm hand was placed on my shoulder, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“You don’t have to apologize Ville, you were drunk,” he whispered, his grip tightening the slightest bit. The last word made me cringe with the knowledge that I had inadvertently lied to the man I cherished the most. I had fooled him and it was wrong. He deserved to know the truth, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I was too ashamed.
“Yeah,” I nodded, leaning into his touch. “It’s just…I should’ve thought more. I know how you feel about your friends, I shouldn’t have done something so careless. What if they freaked out on us?”
“They wouldn’t have, Novak’s done worse at parties before.”
Again I felt myself cringing. Novak. Was I really that different from him anymore? “I guess so…but I still feel guilty.”
“Don’t.” One word was all he had to say to make me feel better and a million times worse all at once. One word. I cast him a thankful smile, one that I knew would win him over and at the same time protect the lies that I was hiding. At what point had I become a liar? At what point in my life had I learned to take advantage of the man I loved?
“I love you, Brandon.”
“I love you, too.”
Four words. Four simple words surrounding just one important one: love. That’s all I needed to hear.
~*~
What's with me updating my fics at the wee hours of the morning? And I'm pretty dissapointed with this chapter...again. Sigh. Maybe I should like...think about the chapters a bit more before writing them out? Let me know what you think.
Oh, and I'm still in need of a new summary. I posted this one tonight, but...I don't know about it. It'll do for now, I guess.