This place really is my last refuge, and a dark one at that. I've come so far yet not gone far at all. I've gone further in life than I ever thought possible, only to circle back round again. It's a dark joke and a twisted one. If anyone were to know of this existence now, it surely would leave at everlasting taint ( Read more... )

the last post that remains is from April. It use to be a more recent, a lot more recent, i believe ? But after my ex found this account I tried deleting all the entries in a manic panic. Silly me didn't realize that I couldn't simply delete this ED out of my life, and soon desisted, minus 10+ entries I believe. I started summer at 110 lb, now I'm ( Read more... )

Last night I told the 2nd person ever about my ED, in real life i mean. He took it... kinda well. Didnd't freak out that bad but was definitely concerned. It was relieving to finally tell someone about it, but I wonder whether he views me differently now. I just wanted someone to talk with and has no intention of stopping. He asked me to stop, but ( Read more... )

I'm sad. I wanna be 15 again, when things were relatively simple and before it all went haywire.

I wish I'm born in the 90's.

I need to plan out tmrw, just so I know it'll be okay.

8:45 AM: breakfast> egg whites & fruit
9:30 AM - 10:45 : Econ class
11:00 AM - 12:15 PM: Mus class
1PM - 4 PM : GYM
5:00 PM - 6:30 PM : AS AM class
7 PM - 9 PM: GYM

ahhhhhhhhh. I HATE MYSELF.

someone help. i feel so hopeless, so utterly dejected and suicidal. right now I'm crying for no reason. i feel like I need to cry, but there's no reason to do so. sure, my mom just told me that our summer plan made not work out, but it's not as if I wanted to go that badly anyways. the fullness of my stomach bothers me, my boy bothers me, in fact ( Read more... )

I'm ready to recover.

I officially announce that I'm done with pigging out. It does nothing but bring depression and misery. I will eat, but only until I'm full and not beyond. Whenever I eat, I'll reach the point where I consciously voice within my mind "I'm full". This message only comes once, and will never again cross my mind once I push it aside and continue ( Read more... )

I'm fasting until the next time I see him.  Big words haha... i can still remember countless nights when I felt so empowered that I'm deluded into thinking I can fast forever only to binge the next day. Well, I feel so empty without him that... I really should lack the will to eat ( Read more... )

It's fri and I'm at my bf's again for the weekend. I'm proud to say that I did well for the first time being here alone. Instead of my usual guaranteed binging. Instead I only had one orange and a cup of edadme since this morning. Originally I warmed up the leftover fried rice, but when I took it out of the microwave I became afraid and started ( Read more... )