Kamen /// Seventh Feeling: Anguish
banner by
naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
Well, well, this chapter is quite Jin-sentric, somehow. I guess, I've only written from his POV for this; but it'll change in the next chapter again. It just fitted better this way.
Other than that.... be patient with me, it's just a chapter more until things will turn again. I think.
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit
Fourth Feeling: Abandonment
Fifth Feeling: Missing
Sixth Feeling: Despair
Seventh Feeling: Anguish
He hadn’t seen Kazuya for three days. The younger one hadn’t shown up near Jin, as he had used to the past month.
Kazuya was busy with filming his drama; Jin was caught up in the promotions for his movie and the rehearsals with the band.
Today, they had the first band meeting in a week and Jin was a bit nervous about it, since he didn’t know how to face Kazuya.
Jin was sure Kazuya’s key to his apartment hadn’t been back yet when he and Yamapi had gotten there; so Kazuya must have been at his’ sometime during the evening.
He wondered whether the younger one had just left right away or if he had actually heard any of the conversation Jin had had with Yamashita.
Jin still wasn’t sure what to feel and how to go on. But Yamashita had probably been right and he had to give in and make a step towards Kazuya.
But as he went into their band room and greeted all of them, he knew by glancing at Kazuya just once that something was strangely off.
He looked exhausted, tired, worn out. Much more terrible than he had looked when Jin had seen him last. They were both suffering under their break up, but Kazuya’s condition seemed to get worse and worse.
Jin instantly worried about the younger one.
So far, only they and Taguchi and Nakamaru were there and it didn’t help Jin’s discomfort to be in a room with Kazuya, when those two decided to go out and get some snacks.
As soon as their laughter wasn’t audible anymore, it fell silent in the room and they were both at different ends of it.
Jin looked at Kazuya; the younger one hadn’t even shown he had noticed Jin yet.
Usually, he would have already gotten over to use his chance to talk; to try getting through to him.
Had Kazuya given up?
The thought alone made Jin feel his heart clench and sting. As long as Kazuya had been that obsessive about him, Jin had known he still loved him. But when Kazuya had given up, could that really mean he had stopped fighting for their love?
Jin couldn’t quite get why Kazuya suddenly was like this, why he could have stopped approaching him and trying to get back to Jin.
Insecure, Jin got over, to stay in front of Kazuya.
The younger one lifted his head and looked at Jin for a moment. His eyes were clear, but showed no emotions.
“You should have ringed the bell, when you brought the key”, Jin said in a thin voice. Something felt so off and strange; he sensed something was wrong. “The thought of you being in my apartment without me knowing is somehow scary.”
Kazuya turned his head back, took a bottle of water out of his bag. “You didn’t find me in your bed again, so where’s the problem?”
Jin sighed. “That’s not it. It’s my apartment, after all. Sneaking in like a thief…”
“You’ve got your key back”, Kazuya interrupted. “It can’t possibly happen again.”
Looking at the brunette for a moment, Jin bit his lip, saw him taking a sip from his water. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not that you are not welcome, Kazuya.”
Kazuya lowered the bottle from his lips and it kept silent for a moment, then Kazuya looked at Jin again; just as emotionless as before.
“Liar.”
Jin stared at Kazuya, his eyes widened in shock; only the way Kazuya looked at him, pierced his heart. He didn’t know what all that meant, though.
But even so, he couldn’t possibly let go of his mask. Jin titled his head back and clicked his tongue. “What’s that about, Kazuya?”
Kazuya didn’t answer, he only closed the bottle, calmly put it back and got up. But before he got out of the older one’s reach, Jin gripped Kazuya’s wrist and stopped him.
“What do you mean?”
Turning his head to look at Jin’s hand, Kazuya’s face showed an emotion for the first time. Jin could see it was not pain, sadness or fear; it was bare disgust. “Let go, Jin.”
“Kazuya…”
“I asked you”, Kazuya’s voice was silent and cold. “to let go of my hand.”
He was stubborn, so Jin didn’t even think of it. He tugged and dragged Kazuya just even closer. “Just three days ago you were desperately trying to get exactly this; you wanted me taking your hand, pulling you close.”
“I’d prefer you honestly meaning it, though”, Kazuya just said and now bitterness came through. He pulled his hand free and didn’t even look at Jin once more when he made his way out of the room.
Ueda was giving him a curious look, before he went in and questioningly looked at Jin. “What’s wrong?”
Jin shrugged his shoulders. “He’s in a bad mood apparently.”
Ueda raised a brow, before he got over to his spint and looked at Nakamaru and Taguchi as they came back.
Jin turned to sit down and stop his knees from shaking.
He was in a really bad situation now. He seriously had brought himself onto very thin ice.
Hadn’t he just tried to make a step towards Kazuya? What had happened that Kazuya suddenly was mad at him?
Okay, Jin had refused him several times, and probably Kazuya had gotten tired of having all his efforts useless. But Kazuya’s look had showed disgust, as if he hated Jin suddenly.
“Are you coming?”, Ueda asked from the door. Jin hadn’t noticed everyone had left already. “We’re slightly late.”
Jin nodded. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Ueda left and Jin just palmed his face. He couldn’t quite grasp what had happened; he couldn’t come up with an explanation for Kazuya suddenly being like that.
Something must have happened.
Jin had thought Kazuya had probably heard his and Yamashita’s conversation; but even if he had heard any of it, he should have found with that, that Jin wasn’t as mad as he had acted to be; that Jin still loved and wanted him.
So, what had made him change his mind so suddenly?
Why couldn’t he still run after Jin, chasing him, to give Jin the chance to turn around and let Kazuya catch up; to turn around and catch Kazuya.
Why did Kazuya have to decide to suddenly be mad at Jin when he was the one who had made a mistake first? Which right did he even have to be mad at Jin?
He sighed as he got up to walk over to his spint and put his things inside. He slammed the door closed and banged his fist against it then.
Why did Kazuya always have to act against Jin’s expectations?
They ignored each other for the rest of the week.
Jin told himself that, if Kazuya didn’t want to have him back anymore, he should take Yamashita’s advice and find a final solution.
Though, Yamashita had also told him to talk to Kazuya about it. And Jin really did want to talk to the younger one, but he just wouldn’t let Jin.
By now, Jin was mad; really mad at Kazuya. He couldn’t even look at him--- it would just turn on a fire in him that wanted to burst out and make Kazuya go back to his knees.
But he knew that wasn’t right. He had made Kazuya suffer more than enough, but still, seeing the other one not even looking at Jin anymore, made Jin go insane.
So, Jin found distraction in going out nearly every night. If none of his friends wanted to go with him, he’d go by himself.
There were enough girls out there who would love to accompany him and make him feel better, but unfortunately, his opinion about them hadn’t changed at all.
He didn’t want any girl that was easily to get. He wanted what he couldn’t get, no matter how hard he tried.
Jin wanted Kazuya.
It was early in the morning when Jin found himself in front of Kazuya’s door. Desperation had brought him here and that made it even worse.
He wanted to know why. He needed answers, reasonable answers to all those questions that had been bothering him for days.
Jin really wished he’d been drunk. He was, but just not enough. Not enough to justify an act like this, he thought, as he pressed the door bell, frequently.
It took a short while, but then he heard the lock clicking, and stopped. Kazuya’s face appeared, sleepy and confused, as he opened the door.
Then it turned and the younger one looked at him in shock, for a moment, then he just stepped back and pushed the door closed again.
But Jin had seen it coming, so he put his foot to the door frame to stop it. Using some strength, he leaned in and opened the door far enough to slip inside.
“Sorry”, he said calmly. “I didn’t have a key anymore, so I had to wake you.”
“What do you want?” Kazuya’s voice was cold. His hair was slightly messy and this time he didn’t wear any of Jin’s shirts anymore.
“Just a talk.”
Kazuya rolled his eyes, as he followed Jin into the apartment. “It’s half past three in the morning, Jin.”
“And I am so lucky you’re home, aren’t I?” Jin turned to him and stripped off of his coat.
“I was sleeping, Jin. I have to head to the drama location at six; so if you want to talk, make it short.” He looked to the clock at the table. “You have five minutes, starting now.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Kazuya”, Jin said and came a step closer, growling, as Kazuya instantly made a step back. “You’re going to tell me now, what the hell is wrong with you.”
“Beside the fact that you broke up with me and treated me like a piece of shit?”, Kazuya asked and titled his head. “Well, let me think about it.”
“But that didn’t bother you before, did it? You still sneaked into my room and into my bed”, Jin answered.
Kazuya got heated up over it himself now and made a step closer to Jin. “Didn’t bother? Did it look like I didn’t bother to you?”
“You still stalked me.”
Kazuya gave him a cold look. “I thought I couldn’t be without you.”
With just one more step, Jin was in front of him, near enough Kazuya could smell the alcohol. “And now you don’t think that anymore?”
“I know that I don’t need you anymore.” The younger one turned around, but before he could even get out of Jin’s reach, he had pushed Kazuya to the wall and pressed him against it with his own weight.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Kazuya glared at him. “What is wrong with you, Jin?”, he asked and tried to get away, but couldn’t. “You didn’t want me anymore, so why are you here?”
For a moment, Jin just looked at him, then his look got understanding, as if he had cleared a difficult puzzle. “Is this what you want?” He pressed Kazuya closer to the wall, his face came close. “Me doing the same as you did? Me getting as desperate as you were?”
It remained silent, Kazuya just stared at Jin; his lips were so close to Jin’s he thought he could already taste him. “You’re drunk, Jin.”
“Not really. Not enough.” The older one only shook his head and then closed the distance. “Kazuya”, he murmured, as his lips brushed the brunette’s. Then he fully kissed him, made him part his lips, but Kazuya didn’t react the slightest bit. He just stood still, as if he’d been frozen, and stared at Jin, as he kissed him.
“Kazuya”, Jin whined now. “Don’t play around.”
Kazuya knew he could have, but he didn’t push Jin away. “I am not the one playing around, Jin.”
“You’ve heard what I’ve said to Pi, didn’t you?” Jin put his forehead to Kazuya’s shoulder. “You’ve been there, listening, weren’t you?”
Kazuya let his hands sink down and moved his head to the side, so that he wouldn’t even feel tempted. “I did. I’ve been listening.”
Jin raised his head again, and as he pushed Kazuya against the wall again, it was hard and felt desperate to Kazuya, but his hands were gentle when they skimmed down Kazuya’s arms to his hands; as he slightly gripped them, tangled their fingers. “Then why are you rejecting me?”
“I’m not trying to get you back anymore, Jin.” Kazuya still didn’t move away; he let Jin have his way.
“I’m trying to get you back, Kazuya”, Jin murmured, looked at his face, trying to make Kazuya look back.
“If you need to supply your wants, you’re free to ask someone else. I won’t do you the favour”, Kazuya just answered.
“Supply my wants?”, Jin repeated. “Are you insane? Did you just tell me to have sex with someone else?”
“That’s it, basically.”
Jin stared at him. “Didn’t you say it’s called making love for a reason, Kazuya?” Jin shook his head. This truly hurt; nearly as much as in the moment he had found Kazuya had kissed someone else. “I would only do it with you.”
“You can stop now”, Kazuya said in a soft voice. The storm wasn’t gone yet. He knew it would light up again. “You don’t need to pretend affection for me anymore.”
Jin’s expression got slightly sorrowful. “What?”
“You don’t need to pretend anymore you’d love me. I know you don’t.”
“Kazuya, you know, I just said all that and was so hurting and refusing, because…”
“No, Jin”, Kazuya stopped him and now looked at him. “Stop lying.”
Jin frowned, his hands gripping Kazuya’s tighter. “What is this about?”
“I’ve heard what you’ve said.” The brunette bit his lip; it was obviously hard for him to take that truth. “I thought you’d forgiven me; you even said that you wouldn’t survive it if something like that kiss would ever happen again. I really was about to walk in and tell you that it won’t.”
A heavy last feel from Jin’s shoulders with that. He knew they were just words, but hearing them one more time and seeing Kazuya’s serious eyes, he knew he could trust them. Kazuya would never to that to him again; they had both suffered a lot through this. “I know. I…”
“And then you said”, Kazuya continued. “that you didn’t ever see me the way I always thought you’d seen me.” He gave Jin a disgusted look. “You’ve said that you never believed in me, that you never saw anything special in me.”
“Kazuya…”
“You said you hated me for what I accomplished.” Kazuya tugged his hands free now. “That you hated me, Jin!”
“That’s not what you think it was”, Jin started, but he knew he couldn’t get out. He had lied to Yamashita and Kazuya had heard all those lies. “Didn’t you hear the rest of it?”
“I guess I’ve heard enough, Jin.” Kazuya pushed him away and got a few steps away then. “Why did you even stay with me in the first place?”, he wanted to know then. “Out of convenience? Out of practice? Because of the sex?”
Jin gave him a pitiful look. “Don’t think that.”
“What else should I think? Why did you even get together with me, Jin? Did you also feel pity when I confessed my love?”
“You know I love you back.”
Kazuya threw him an angry look. “Is that why you never actually said it? Or why you’ve always made up excuses you couldn’t meet me? Or why you forgot about our anniversary? Is all that because you never actually loved me?”
Jin took a deep breath and got over to Kazuya then, taking his wrist to pull him close, so that he would look into Jin’s eyes. “Listen; it was a lie; I didn’t mean it like that.”
Kazuya held up against Jin’s eyes. “Be honest for once, Jin. This is not going to work anymore, so don’t pretend you’d want to fight for it.”
Harshly, Jin let go of Kazuya’s arm and glared at him. “How do you even come to question my honesty about you?”, he wanted to know; almost screamed at Kazuya now. “I wasn’t the one cheating.”
“Fine, Jin”, Kazuya yelled back. “I did kiss Uchi. I didn’t forget about you, I was questioning your love back then; I was honestly thinking you did not love me, so I took what I could get of affection from Uchi. But I realized the mistake within seconds. I realized it was a mistake and that I only, really love you.”
“And I said I was forgiving you, so don’t play the victim now!” Jin was about to pull Kazuya close into a mad, angry kiss, but he stopped, when Kazuya didn’t let him reach for him.
“But when was the last time you felt you could honestly say I love you to me, Jin?” Kazuya’s look was rather sad now. “How long has it been since you were lying to me about your feelings?”
“I told you it was a lie”, Jin said, annoyed with it.
“I realized it, yeah. But I’ve let you fool me for too long, Jin.”
“What you’ve heard that night was a lie, Kazuya, not this.” Jin showed off his dislike in the situation with a tired sigh. “Kazuya, stop that now, you know…”
Kazuya just shook his head. “I don’t know anymore, Jin. You’ve hated me deep inside all this while. And even so, you threw me out of your life for a single mistake; one I really did regret and suffered of. But you haven’t been any better than me.”
Jin turned his head, putting an indifferent and cold expression to his face.
“Not the slightest bit better, Jin. If not even worse.”
Jin snorted. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”
Kazuya stepped aside, pointed at the door. “I would not have believed it if I hadn’t heard it from you personally.”
“Won’t you listen, Kazuya? I said…”
“No, Jin”, the younger one didn’t look at him anymore. “I won’t listen. I’ve heard enough.”
Jin looked at him for a moment, his gaze still cold and assessing. “In that case, we’re over, I think.”
Kazuya didn’t react immediately. Then he managed a nod. “We are.”
They stayed like that for some seconds. Jin was looking at Kazuya, waiting for an action; probably for him to change his mind, but Kazuya just stared at the wall across from him, still pointing to the door.
His pride didn’t let him be the one giving in and get to his knees to beg. He could have explained everything; he could have made Kazuya believe him; Jin knew that. But his stubbornness and his pride didn’t let him.
Jin didn’t want to end it; he couldn’t even image what a life without Kazuya by his side would be like, but he couldn’t bring up the courage to let the younger one know.
He didn’t trust his voice, but it was surprisingly firm when he finally managed to speak. “That’s it. Don’t ever expect me to give you a chance again.”
Kazuya didn’t answer as Jin got over, walked past him and to the door. He heard it being smashed closed and slightly winced at the sound. Then it was silent.
Kazuya bit his lip, held back a whine, as he got to his knees; too weak to stand.
“I’ve never truly had one in the first place”, he whispered to himself.
Jin suffered a lot from it.
He only had to look at Kazuya to know he did just as much.
It had just been three days, and whenever they would meet, Jin could see Kazuya’s face looked even more tired than the time they’d met before.
It was the same for Jin.
He couldn’t eat; couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even think clearly. He was so lovesick he wondered if anyone else by now had figured he and Kazuya must have had something going on.
They were in the studio today, having voice practice and would record some parts already.
Koki was there by now, too; he was sitting with Kazuya at the couch at the other end of the room. Kazuya was curled up and slept, his hat covering his face.
It was cute, Jin thought as he looked at him. Kazuya didn’t often sleep at work, but if he did it meant, he had quite a lot on his plate.
Jin tugged out his key chain from his bag and looked at the charm he had attached to it. It looked so unused; Kazuya must have treasured it a lot, since it already was more than a year old.
Jin remembered that day quite perfectly; it had been New Year’s and they had gone to a temple near by after their performance at the Tokyo Dome. Kazuya hadn’t wanted to go home straight and had asked Jin to come along.
Because Kazuya had been so sincere about his wishes for the New Year, Jin had bought him the charm; knowing it was cheesy, but Kazuya’s honest smile and happiness about it had made it worth it.
He now took it off of his chain again and held it separately. He shouldn’t carry it that obviously; he didn’t want Kazuya to see.
Jin looked up again, as Kazuya suddenly sat up and harshly breathed in. As if in panic, he scanned the room with his eyes and then calmed down, trying to cover it up.
“What’s up, Kame?” Koki gave him a sorrowful look. “Did you dream something bad?”
Kazuya looked at him and before he could glance at Jin, the older one let the charm disappear in his bag again. Kazuya shook his head and managed a groggy smile.
“I don’t know anymore.”
Jin tried not to show he was listening. Of course he knew what made Kazuya sleep that fitfully. It was his fault.
“You look tired lately. Are you sure it’s not too much?” Koki seemed worried. “You don’t look healthy.”
“Don’t worry; I’m fine”, Kazuya lied and sat up, brought his hat back to its position, brushing his hair beneath it. “I already had more work to do.”
Koki just nodded and then offered him some candy and Kazuya accepted them with a smile. He easily covered his tiredness and emotional sorrows with that smile, with a mask to not let anyone else see his pain.
Jin threw him a look, knew that smile wasn’t real; saw it crumbling at the wrinkles. It was hard for Kazuya to keep it up.
It looked like he’d rather wanted to cry to Jin.
He sighed and got out then; because once again, he couldn’t stand being in a room with Kazuya.
He wondered when it would stop, when he’d be able to get over it and just forget about the younger one.
This wasn’t his fault, he had tried to tell himself during the past days. Kazuya was not listening, didn’t want to know the truth and after all, he’d been the one crushing their relationship first with cheating on Jin.
But those words, Kazuya’s look just didn’t leave his mind. They still echoed in his head whenever Jin would close his eyes.
It was just him being naturally competitive.
He didn’t actually hate Kazuya for being successful. He just hated the fact that someone was better than him; someone who wasn’t actually his rival, but his friend. It was hard for Jin to take that Kazuya always got the better jobs, that he would always be a step ahead from Jin.
But, of course, he had to acknowledge, that didn’t justify anything.
He’d been in a relationship with Kazuya and his love for him should always have been more important than any job.
As lovers, they weren’t Kamenashi and Akanishi; as lovers they were Kazuya and Jin--- they weren’t about Kat-tun, interviews and photo shootings; movies or dramas.
They were a couple and responsible for each other; relying on each other and loving each other.
But Jin had realized that too late.
Instead of confirming Kazuya of his love, giving him proof he was the only one to him, Jin had pushed him away; had made Kazuya doubt him.
He was on fault, too, but he was way too late to give in and ask for forgiveness.
Kazuya wouldn’t give it to him anymore; not after they had broken up like this.
The brunette didn’t even give him a chance to explain, so what chances did he have?
His only chance was to save what was left from his pride. He would remain strong and get over it; wouldn’t let Kazuya see in any way how much he regretted it.
It was hard now, because his bruises were still fresh, but soon enough Jin would get over it and with that, he would forget about Kazuya and would be able to go on.
He turned his head as the door from the studio opened.
Kazuya appeared in the hallway and as he noticed Jin, he stopped. His eyes showing off distress, he obviously was in a struggle what to do or to say.
Make it easier for him, too, Jin thought and made a step towards Kazuya, giving him a cold and arrogant look. “Don’t even think about begging.”
That woke Kazuya militancy immediately, and he returned the look just as cold. He didn’t answer first, just raised an eyebrow at Jin and then walked past him, leaving him behind. “I am not the one who needs to do so, Jin.”
Jin didn’t turn, didn’t look after him. He remained, knowing it was best this way.
Hating each other, they’d get over it, he was sure. Jin only had to make Kazuya hate him.
And learn to endure being hated by the one he loved.
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I know, I know, this all sounds very bad and definite now, but it isn't. Really.
I am sorry!!! >.<" I hope you'll keep up with me, though?
Thank you for reading! ♥♥♥