Out of Choices - Chapter 19 (Part 1)
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 19: Surrender (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 12,503
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
19. Surrender
A/N: Obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer’s ownership: Twilight és annak minden karakter tulajdonában van, Stephenie Meyer ... Word. And yes, I am amusing myself.
So yes okay, this chapter is exceedingly long, crazy long, stupid long, epicly long…I could go on with my silly descriptions if you like? I probably should have cut it long ago, or split it into two chapters but alas, I didn’t. I wanted the end from Bella’s POV and just kept on writing until I got to that part that I wanted in her POV and then stopped. And I’m sort of laughing at myself because I don’t know what happened to my chapters. I started off between 3 and 5 thousand words and this one is like 13 k. So I hope you’ll forgive my verbosity, or enjoy the shit out of it, or both. That would be good. Very good in fact. It would make this author a happy camper.
3 updates in 3 days. WOOT!
Mad love to everyone who has left reviews. The wonderful thing about a lot of chapter updates is the number of reviews I get in my inbox. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
From Bella's POV...
I was a mess waiting for Edward to pick me up that morning. I’d never felt so obvious in my life. I wished I’d stuck to my guns and insisted on walking to school. I was not a morning person at all and I felt the compulsion to be on my toes and just fucking wasn’t. He would easily be able to trip me up this morning if he tried in even the slightest way. I walked out the door, slamming it behind me, and wished more than anything to just not fuck up. He was walking towards me, looking as gorgeous as ever, almost glowing with confidence and I suddenly felt dim and unworthy to be beside him. And even though I’d spent half of my time over the last twelve hours trying to force myself to let go of the childish fantasies of Edward and I as a ‘we,’ I was still swimming in them. I reminded myself that he didn’t like me, but doubted the words as they left my lips. I reminded myself that he was just being polite, but rationalized his politeness into an interest in me within seconds. I was a lost cause. I resolved to just get in the car and say nothing. It was the only way I had a fucking chance at saving face.
“Good morning,” he greeted me in his perfectly velvety voice.
“Hey.” I half smiled, more out of my need to not speak than happiness. He was studying my face and I wondered why. Could he see how stuck I was on him? My eyes fell to the ground and I moved to get into the car, feeling awkward and wanting to escape the evident discomfort, only to notice that he was holding the door open for me, and not just holding the door, but offering me his hand to help me get in. I wanted very badly to take his hand but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury. I was so absolutely affected by him that I was sure I’d moan or whimper when he removed my hand from his and he would know what a pathetic obsessed freak I truly was. I wanted to keep that my secret for as long as I could manage. I tried to smile a thank you at him but I’m sure I looked incredibly stupid. I was extremely thankful that Edward didn’t seem to notice.
He set out making the small talk, which was fine with me. I couldn’t handle the pressure of creating conversation. He teased me right off but not in an annoying way. In fact it seemed like he was trying to find out more about me in a very upfront yet casual way, questioning me about things that bothered me. It was sweet, because really I needed another thing to find attractive and perfect about him. I was inwardly disgusted with myself, but not enough to stop thinking about his sweetness, and how I wanted more of it.
I asked him about my truck and he told me that Blondie and Man-boy were going to finish it at lunch. I was happy it wasn’t anything serious but looked forward to Edward driving me to get it, if for no other reason that to spend more time with him. I figured if I was going to be a stupid motherfucker I may as well enjoy it to the fullest while it lasted.
We decided where we’d go on our date. He offered to drive me but I couldn’t accept. I needed to have an escape plan in place if I required it. I couldn’t depend on his assistance in case the date was a horrendous flop. I couldn’t tell him that of course so I made it seem like I was an independent bitch. I used to be one. I wondered what he’d think if he knew how fucking badly I wanted him to drive me. The thought unnerved me so I made a quick exit, telling him I’d see him in biology. I allowed myself one last look over my shoulder and when I realized he was still watching me I may very well have squealed. I glared angrily at every last person who shot me a look. Let me have my squealing people. That’s all I was asking for.
I wasn’t used to seeing Edward between classes so he was able to sneak up behind me in his usual fashion and scare the shit out of me, except in this case it wasn’t scaring as much as it was turning me on to the point of sexual fucking frenzy. He leaned in from behind me and whispered his hello in just the right way to make me shudder. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed he didn’t notice me trembling and then swung around to face him. I was still of the mindset that if I was being stupid that I should enjoy his attention. And it may have been my imagination but I would swear that he ran his fingers through my hair. I don’t think I was meant to notice but how could I not? Whenever his body connected with mine electricity shot through me and that was pretty fucking impossible to miss, so even though I shouldn’t have been able to feel his hands in my hair, I could still sense his body connecting with mine some how. Or maybe I was imagining it, but I didn’t care. I liked the idea that he would stroke my hair like that, like my mom used to. She was the only other person who had ever shown me that loving gesture and I revelled in it in my head. I couldn’t even bring myself to feel stupid about it. I just stared back at him with a knowing glance. In a strange and surreal way it was all becoming real; the looks, the touches, they were coming to mean something to me. I wanted them to mean something. I wanted Edward to mean something.
Mike was coming for me at the end of history so I shut him out, rushing to the quad to see if I could catch a glimpse of Edward but there was no sign of him. I was already anticipating lunch, hoping to find Alice and see if I could pull any information from her. She might let something slip accidentally, or I hoped she would. To my great pleasure I didn’t have to find Alice because Edward was waiting for me outside my classroom after fourth period. I smiled at him and then realized I was making a pretty big fucking assumption that he was waiting for me and wiped the smile from my face. I tried to disguise my slip up with a joke and made a hasty exit trying to save face but he called after me, asking me to lunch. I about peed my pants. Edward Cullen wanted to have lunch with me? He was cracking jokes and trying to make me laugh and the stupid motherfucker in me was gloating smugly. It was starting to become really friggen difficult to believe that Edward didn’t like me. I don’t know how or when it changed, but somehow it just might have.
We headed to the cafeteria. Edward must have noticed my discomfort with the curious losers who were staring at us. He offered to eat outside with me or in his car but I was pretty damn sure that the close quarters of his front seat for an entire hour would be more than I could fucking handle. I was enjoying his attention but I was fucking stupid. Too much privacy for us was not a good thing in terms of remaining on my best behaviour, namely not throwing myself at him.
I wondered why Edward didn’t get anything to eat but he told me he’d had a large breakfast and didn’t like to fill up before his run after school. It made sense, except that today he wouldn’t be running. He was driving me to my truck. I thought of calling him on it but realized I didn’t give a shit. If I pushed for too many answers my obsession would be clear and that was the last thing I wanted.
I was enjoying not having to hide my stares sitting across from him. We were eating lunch together and it felt natural to look up at him as often as I wanted, which was pretty fucking often for me. That’s why I noticed when a wide smile broke across his face even though we weren’t speaking. I couldn’t help my curiosity. Apparently Mike was making an ass of himself, glaring at Edward and Edward found it amusing. Hell, I’d find it amusing too if I wasn’t the object of Mike’s fixation. Edward was very careful with how he worded the question but it seemed like he wanted to know if I was interested in Mike. It was only more evidence that I might mean something to him, or it was me wishing it meant that. Either way I wanted Edward to know I was not the least bit interested in the idiotic fucktard.
Edward seemed pleasantly surprised by my lack of feelings for Mike, calling Mike over to our table and proceeding to call him on his fascination with me. I enjoyed every word of their exchange and Edward’s smug happiness with the whole situation. If it made him happy to know that he was the only guy I was interested in then more fucking power to him. It wasn’t my fault that Mike couldn’t take a hint and let go of the idea of the two of us together. For what felt like the millionth time I told Mike I wasn’t interested and for the millionth time he seemed to ignore every word I said. Even Edward noticed and we laughed about it together.
Again with the motherfucking staring on the way to class. Edward was right when he said people were going to be staring at us a lot. I tried to refocus my attention on Edward instead of the gawkers. It was really friggen easy to get used to Edward’s lightness and easiness. He was everything I wasn’t, confident and assured and generally pleasant and easy going with me that day. His hand hung casually at his side as we walked and a tiny part of me longed to pick it up and hold it. It seemed like such a natural thing, and I suppose that’s why I fought doing it. Edward and I weren’t natural. For as far as my brain had advanced things between us in my mind, and for as easy as it was to believe in the possibility that he cared, it was just as easy to remember that we were fleeting and destined to fuck each other over, him because he could have whatever he wanted and it would only be a matter of time before he wanted something other than me, and me because that was what I did, I fucked things up, excelled at it even. Staying in the fucking moment was of utmost importance to me if I had any chance at enjoying Edward’s attention.
He leaned down to whisper in my ear as we stepped through the door of the classroom. “Are you okay?” he murmured. I looked over at him and his face was suddenly serious.
“Yeah, why?”
He leaned back down to me again. “Because you look so unhappy,” he murmured sadly. I blushed, wishing my face weren’t so easy to read or at least not that easy for him.
“Just the stupid gawkers,” I lied. I wondered if it would change his mind about us if he knew how badly I would fuck things up between us.
“I won’t let them hurt you,” he assured me with a smile and an uncharacteristically intense gaze. He didn’t usually look at me like that in front of other people, only when he was about to kiss me. It’s not as if he would kiss me in the middle of the classroom but my body sure wanted him to. In many ways it was easier to ignore my feelings for him when he and I were pure attraction. The feelings made everything so much more complicated. I mean I was letting myself believe he cared about me and that was ten kinds of complicated right there. I forced a smile to my lips, not knowing how to answer him, and took my seat.
Class started and instead of listening to Mr. Banner, I was trying to figure out if Edward was sitting closer to me or if it was my imagination. I could feel his strange electricity more strongly today and it made it fucking impossible to concentrate. I could hear myself trying to explain my failing grade to Charlie. ‘Honest Charlie, the dude I sit next to is fucking gorgeous and sends out random electrical jolts that make it impossible for me to concentrate on anything beside the wetness between my legs and how much I want him to push me up against a wall again.’ Yeah, I’m sure Charlie wouldn’t be upset if I failed with that as my excuse.
Edward kept looking at me and it was making ignoring him virtually impossible. I put my pen down when Mr. Banner stopped to take a question and dropped my hands to my lap, rubbing them up and down my thighs trying to distract myself from all of the fucking weirdness I was feeling. This love thing was intense. Edward leaned into me and I braced myself for his breath against my ear. Instead he reached for my hands and covered them with his. His fingers overlapped my hands and rested lightly on my thigh. I swear sparks flew at the contact and I whimpered before I could control myself, forcing a cough out to try and disguise it. His hand squeezed mine lightly and he smiled, not seeming to notice my bizarre reaction to his completely nonsexual touch that my mind made erotic. He was only trying to soothe me and I smiled back him when I thought about what he could do to my body if he intended his touch in a sexual way. I would melt, or spontaneously combust or go catatonic or all three.
Class was over way too fucking fast. I knew I’d see Edward after school but considering my hatred off all things gym I would rather skip over the crap and go right to the good stuff.
“Can I walk you to class?” he murmured, his voice deep and quiet against my ear.
“Sure,” I gulped, wishing his tongue would suddenly dart out and lick behind my ear and down my neck for as long as he wished or forever, whichever came last. His arm curled around my body as he offered the aisle way to me first. As I moved in front of him his hand pressed lightly against the small of my back and I moaned quietly. It was lost in the white noise of the room thank God, but holy shit did his hand feel good on my back. I instantly began to wonder what it would feel like with no fabric in between and the suggestion made me shudder.
“Are you cold?” he asked, bending towards my ear again and making my mind explode. I wasn’t sure he even knew what he was doing to me but I blushed anyway because I knew.
“No,” I admitted quietly, turning to look up at him. I hoped my eyes would say what I couldn’t put words to, how badly I wanted him, how fucking glorious his touch was on my body, how I wished he would kiss me. His smile fell slowly from his lips and his eyes took on an unprecedented intensity that I would guess matched my own. Either way I was pretty sure that he understood what I was trying to convey.
He walked beside me all the way to the gym and we exchanged another intense knowing glance to say goodbye. All I could think about was getting to the end of the next hour to get back to him. Maybe by then I’d be able to put words to my thoughts, or lips to it, which was definitely my preference.
“I’ll meet you back here after school? Or would you prefer to meet me at my car?”
“Here’s fine, I guess,” I mumbled, considering my options.
“I’m not sure how public you would like to be?” he whispered. It wasn’t something I’d even thought about. I was still trying to get used to the idea that an ‘us’ might actually have the possibility of existing.
“Right…I…ummm…” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or insult him in any way by saying I’d rather keep things between the two of us.
“It’s okay Bella,” he soothed me with his velvety voice. “This is private. I have no problem being discreet about it.”
I smiled up at him, amazed that he was so understanding about my hang ups and pleased that he saw the two of us as a private thing and awed that he was not only concerned about my feelings but seemed to have a very good understanding of what made me tick. That had to say something in regard to his intentions about me, didn’t it? “I’ll wait right here. See you in an hour.”
“In an hour,” he echoed. I watched him leave and he didn’t disappoint me, glancing back at me twice with that same intense look. At least I wasn’t the only one drowning in our connection. It felt scary and amazing and totally overwhelming but in a good way, in an exciting way, in a vehement way. The newness of it only increased the intensity and I wondered if he would feel the same way after the newness had worn off. Would I just be another face in the crowd then, or would I move on past new to favoured or maybe even loved? And then I mentally slapped myself. I don’t know why I was fucking pushing into the future like that. I reminded myself to stay in the moment and enjoy the ride. I would wreck it all with my anticipating and expectations if I let myself have half a chance to do it. In the moment, it had to be in the moment.
My hair was damp with sweat when I finished gym and I landed up pulling it into a ponytail to get it off my neck. It took me extra time to get it just right and Edward was already waiting for me by the time I finished. That sexy crooked grin of his absolutely lit up his face as he held out my key ring for me. “Your chariot Madame.”
“Hi,” I smiled. “Thanks.”
“You’re very welcome. I like your hair like that…I’ve never seen it pulled back before. It’s very pretty.”
“Uh…thanks,” I mumbled, shuffling my feet to disguise my discomfort. It wasn’t working so I changed the subject. “Was Blondie pissed off that you asked for her help?”
“Rosalie? No, not at all. She enjoyed looking under the hood I think.”
“Why?”
“That engine is like an antique; so simple compared to the sophisticated engines in today’s sports cars. If anyone can appreciate its simplicity, it’s Rosalie.”
“I don’t really care if she fucking appreciated it, only that she fixed it.”
“She did,” he assured me. “She said the engine must have been rebuilt and that it was in very good condition, something about being built like a tank,” he laughed.
“Don’t pick on my truck,” I warned him playfully.
“Sorry,” he grinned. “I suppose if it keeps you safe then I should keep my mouth shut.”
“It does,” I persuaded. “Not that it matters if it doesn’t because it’s only piece of crap I can afford.”
“Well I’m glad that it keeps you safe then. I would hate to think of you being unsafe.” His voice was a little too intense and I wondered if he meant to say exactly what he’d said.
“You would worry?”
“I already do.”
I waited for him to open my door before I spoke. That seemed to make him happy, to be able to do that for me. Once inside, I folded my hands in my lap and waited for him to get in. “I do too,” I confessed, still staring at my hands. It was harder to admit than I thought it would be, but from the corner of my eye I saw him smile and that made me happy that I took the risk. He shifted the car into drive and headed west.
I watched his shifting hand silently for a bit, noticing the way it rested laxly on the gearshift and how his fingers dangled in the air. I could see him looking at me now and again, probably wondering what the hell I was watching. He shifted his hand from the gearshift to the armrest once he was on the highway. It brushed lightly against my hand and I felt the spark of contact again. I had the same urge I had earlier, to pick up his hand and hold it, but it felt too obvious. He noticed me watching his hand again.
“I know I keep asking you this but is everything okay?” he asked softly. Even if I weren’t okay just hearing his voice would make me that way.
“Fine.”
“You’re so quiet,” he noted. “Maybe it would be better to ask you what you’re thinking?”
I blushed instantly, not wanting to admit what I had been thinking about. “No, that wouldn’t be better,” I mumbled.
He obviously noticed my blushing and laughed lightly. “I think it might be the exact right question. Please tell me.”
“I can’t. It’s so fucking obvious.”
“I don’t mind obvious,” he assured me thoughtfully. I just shook my head repeatedly, trying to convey my absolute fucking aversion to answering his question. His brow furrowed and his lips pouted out slightly. It was so fucking cute I couldn’t hold my smile back. It didn’t go unnoticed. “What are you smiling about?”
“Your pout. It’s so damn adorable.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “You won’t answer my question and you laugh at my frustration. That’s not very nice,” he scolded me playfully.
He was right though, and I would have hated it if he did the same thing to me. I may not be comfortable talking about the thoughts in my head but I could show him what I was thinking. It wouldn’t hurt me to be obvious, and I wanted to be fair to him, to give him something, even something small. I let my hand slide along the leather armrest towards his hand and then under it, pushing my hand into his and fanning out my fingers along his palm. His skin was cool and smooth and the electricity sparkled between our palms in tingly, energetic sensations. I purposely looked up at him before I spoke. “That…that is what I was thinking about.”
His fingers curled around mine and squeezed my fingers lightly. His smile was joyous and for the second time that day I was glad I took the risk for him. It felt really good to make him happy. “I think I will amend my question. Instead of asking you what you’re thinking, from now on I will ask you if you will do what you’re thinking.”
I snorted. “Believe me Edward. You don’t want to know what I’m thinking and you want even less for me to act on my thoughts. You know I can be a totally stupid motherfucker, don’t you?”
He eyed me dubiously. “I highly doubt that Bella. You are not a stupid woman.”
“I didn’t say I was stupid but I’m exceptionally capable of doing stupid things.”
“We all are,” he noted with a tight smile. I wondered what he was thinking of that made his expression change so dramatically. Maybe it was simply that he thought what we were doing was stupid. I slipped my hand out of his and back into my lap, fearing that it was my assumptions that had changed his mood. Just because I was madly in love with him didn’t give me the right to push myself into his life and just because he was happy that I had shared my thoughts in an abstract way didn’t mean that he wanted to give me his affection.
A moment later he leaned towards me and snatched my hand back up with an intentionally obvious move. “I wasn’t finished with that yet,” he said with a smile, pulling my hand back to the armrest and settling our arms in beside one another like they belonged that way. I didn’t know how to take his gesture, too lost in my own feelings to respond with much of anything. “This is harder than I thought it would be,” he murmured.
“For me too,” I whispered sadly. I didn’t want it to be hard. I wanted it to be happy and easy and completely unlike what life had come to mean to me. “I’m gonna fuck this up.”
“This?” he questioned softly, pulling his car in behind my truck and turning the engine off. He seemed reluctant to finish his thought. “So does that mean…are you…does that mean that you’re willing to admit that there is something between us.” His voice was so quiet I barely heard the words. His tone, which was sad and hesitant, was much more clear.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t admit it?” I wondered softly.
“Last time I suggested a relationship…albeit at the time it was friendship, you were very… against the idea. It was… difficult for me… and it left me feeling a little apprehensive when it comes to asking about the state of you and me.”
“Oh,” I mumbled, remembering the exact conversation he was referring to. It was the day I realized I was in love with him. “I remember.”
“Don’t get me wrong Bella. We don’t have to define us in any way per se. I don’t really care as long as my intentions are known…and yours.”
“My intentions?”
“Yes, your intentions…what you want from me.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat that felt like it was choking me. “What I want from you?”
“I just need to know that you care for me…as I care for you…” His voice sounded strained and uncomfortable and I didn’t know what that meant so I decided to answer the only way I felt capable of.
“I don’t know much about relationships, or expectations, or intentions…and I don’t wanna fuck this up Edward. I do know there is definitely something between us. Is that enough for you? Is it okay that it’s all I can give right now? I don’t know exactly what we are to each other and the idea of laying it all out on the table is really fucking scary to me.”
“What are you afraid of?” he whispered.
“I’m pretty fucking inexperienced when it comes to relationships in general Edward. And the thing is, I fuck things up. I don’t mean to, but I just do. There’s a reason I don’t make friends. People don’t want to stick around. Everybody fucking leaves. And one day you’ll leave too.”
“You can’t know that,” he disagreed quietly.
“I not only know it Edward, I live it.” Our joined hands were screaming at me. They didn’t look right to me, tangled together, and I pulled my hand from his and put it back in my lap.
“I won’t leave,” he whispered.
My anger shut my ears down. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Just fucking don’t.”
“I’m not,” he insisted, a touch of bitterness colouring his tone.
“Whatever,” I spat, unable to control my resentment. He couldn’t promise that. No one could.
He was offended, and his volume and tone reflected it. “Don’t pretend to understand what I am and am not capable of Bella. You don’t know my heart.”
“And you don’t know mine,” I snapped defensively. All the joy and easiness of our day had completely evaporated. We had slipped into our collective comfort zone of anger and irritation, and reality was like a slap in the face. My cheeks were flushed and stinging and I knew I had to get out of there. I was at my breaking point. “Thank you for your help with my truck. And please tell Rosalie that I said thank you. I’d do it myself if I knew her at all. I’ll see you at school.” I didn’t wait for him to answer me. I just opened the car door and launched myself out of the seat in a single movement.
“Bella, wait,” he called, but what was the fucking point? I didn’t want to stick around long enough for it to come to angry insults and accusations that could never be taken back. I unlocked the truck and started to climb in, but his arms stopped me, encircling my waist and gently pulling me back out, turning me to face him before putting me down. “Don’t walk away,” he demanded in a less than compelling tone.
“I’m not,” I disagreed, turning to get back into the truck. His hands came to my shoulders and held me still.
“Please Bella.” His voice was no longer angry. All I heard was sadness and it made me even angrier with myself for hurting him. He didn’t deserve this. He deserved more than a broken hollow loser like me.
I shook my head. “Why Edward? It always fucking comes back to this. We don’t get along no matter how we feel.”
“We’re just trying to find our way Bella,” he soothed, rubbing my shoulders softly with his thumbs.
“It’s not you Edward. It’s me. Please just let me go before I wreck everything.”
“You can’t wreck anything.” I wanted to scream at him to stop being so perfect, and slap him for knowing exactly what to say, and dare him to see reality through my eyes, but I couldn’t do any of those things. I had no fight left in me.
“Just let me hold on to the ‘could have been’ Edward, please?” I was practically begging now. I only wanted to escape before I broke down.
“No Bella. We are so much more than could have beens. I won’t let you pull away from me.”
And then my traitor tears betrayed me and I felt mortifyingly embarrassed as my shoulders shook and the tears poured from my eyes in a way that made it impossible to hide it from him. “Let me go,” I sobbed.
“No,” he insisted softly, turning me around to face him. His hands came to cheeks and held them tenderly while his thumbs worked at drying my tears. “You listen to me Bella Swan. I will not let you go. And I don’t need you to define your feelings or say anything to me that upsets you. All I want from you is the promise of more time…the next minute or hour or day. I don’t even care if you don’t want to promise that to me. If it’s simply what you want then that’s enough for me.”
“This can’t work out,” I rasped as I looked away from his fiercely steady eyes, completely disillusioned by the dismal downturn our formerly amazing day had taken. I was like poison and killed everything I touched.
“It can and it will.” He sounded so sure of himself that I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t. “Bella, please don’t shut down on me.” And then before I knew what was happening his lips were pressing into mine, softly, longingly, begging me to come back to him. His instincts were dead on. He had managed to pull the one thing out of his bag of tricks that would bring me back to him, his physical touch. I tried to resist him but his lips kept coming back for me, kissing me more deeply and pouring more feeling into that intangible emotional connection that existed between us. He broke me down with his patience until I couldn’t resist him any longer and threw myself into his kiss, pushing my tongue against his lips and begging for his affection. He didn’t hold back any longer either, his tongue snaking out and pressing against mine, powerful and indulgent, weakening my resistance to the idea that we could not work.
One of his hands slid around my waist and pulled me closer, resting on the small of my back and triggering all of the memories of earlier today. Like a waterfall my desire gushed forth in an uncontrolled and errant way. My hands seemed to be everywhere, pushing across his chest and stroking his arms and curling around his neck and tangling into his hair. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think of anything but my need to connect with Edward in any and every way possible. I pushed my tongue into his mouth more deeply, offering and searching and taking whatever his tongue delivered in return, and it still wasn’t enough.
His free hand encircled my waist and joined his other hand on the small of my back for a moment, before sliding upward and twisting into my hair. He must have liked it the way it felt because he moaned softly into my mouth and I pressed myself closer to his body. I felt like every cell in my body was on fire. I let my hands drop from his hair and stroked his neck and arms as I resigned myself to take what I knew I wanted. And because I couldn’t contain my need to connect with him, I allowed myself to push past the point I should have allowed myself. My hands slid to his stomach, underneath his leather jacket, and along his waist, stopping to rest just above his hips. I could feel his body underneath my fingertips through the thin fabric of his shirt and it was exactly the contact I needed to ease my longing. He gasped at my touch and shoved his tongue as far into my mouth as it could go. His hand moved from its perch on my lower back and came up to the back of my neck and held it firmly. The feel of his hand on my bare skin made me shudder. I had never been so glad that I had pulled my hair up in my life. His fingers stretched out to grab the end of my ponytail, tangling and twisting my hair around his fingers and pulling it back to my neck. I guess that was Edward taking the contact he needed too, his hand entangled in my hair and holding the bare skin of my neck, and I was totally fucking okay with it. I was better than okay. I was unbelievably turned on by it.
His kiss became less powerful but no less passionate. His unyielding lips took their time with my top lip and then with my bottom lip, sucking and licking and pressing every bit of goodness his mouth had to give with each movement and I just enjoyed the shit out of it, letting him lead me because I owed him for not letting me wreck this perfect moment. As if he could sense my thoughts he pulled back from my mouth, pressing soft kisses along my jawbone, showing me every bit of his complicated desire in the way his lips touched my skin, lovingly, longingly, tenderly. His lips made a path to my ear and my head instinctively tilted away from his to give him better access to that side of me. He found the most sensitive spot behind my ear, kissing and sucking it softly and smiling against my skin when a quiet moan escaped.
I let my head fall against his chest, nuzzling into it, searching out the comfort of his affection while trying to convey an unspoken apology for my inappropriate reaction. How do you explain to someone that you give up too easily so you don’t have as far to fall, because you’re sure that just like everything else fate will fuck up the one thing you truly want, because more than anything you couldn’t stand to hurt them by ensnaring them in your fucked up life?
He pressed one last soft kiss against my ear and inhaled deeply, dropping his forehead to the top of my head and resting it there. He didn’t loosen his grip on me and I didn’t want him to. “Please don’t run away from me Bella,” he murmured. It wasn’t an afterthought or a repeat of his initial thought. It was a new plea, his way of telling me that I hurt him when I ran away, of assuring me that there was nothing I needed to avoid when it came to him, of telling me in no uncertain terms that he believed in us enough for both of us, for when I couldn’t believe, and even when I wouldn’t.
I turned my head and pressed a tiny kiss into his chest and then nuzzled back into it. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. His arms tightened around me and I knew he understood. I didn’t know why he understood or how he could possibly want to be with me after that display but none of it seemed to matter to him.
We stayed in each other’s arms like that for a while. Every now and then I would squeeze my arms around his waist to show him that I was in the moment, appreciating his affection and enjoying his embrace and just generally keeping myself from floating away. I needed the reminders to stay grounded because everything between us was surreal. I used his strange electricity to remind myself that we were really happening and his scent to remind me how utterly magnificent he was and his touch to remind me that there was no way that I could give too much to him. He deserved more than I had to give, but I had somehow become determinedly resolute to give him everything I had and was trying to believe that it was enough by virtue of it being what he desired.
“Are you ok?” he wondered. By the tone of his voice I could tell he didn’t think I was. I wondered if he was waiting for me to implode again, and the idea made me chuckle.
“I am, thanks to you.”
“Is your Uncle expecting you?” I had lost total track of the time. It was an easy thing to do when I was with Edward.
“What time is it?”
“It’s close to five,” he informed me softly. He pulled back from me, lightening his touch against my neck, but was still unwilling to let me go completely. Realizing that made me totally blissful. His eyes searched my face but I wasn’t afraid. All I could see was the concern in his eyes and his gorgeous face and anything that I would reflect back at him would be positive. I didn’t want to make him worry about me more.
“I guess we’ll be eating cereal for dinner,” I joked.
“Can I follow you home?”
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted.
“It would make me feel better.” I couldn’t deny him what he wanted after what he’d done for me.
“If it’s what you want and if it will make you feel better, then fine, but you don’t need to fucking worry.”
He smirked at me and I returned his smile. “And you’re sure you’re okay?”
“More than okay.” I released my arms from around his waist, hating to let go but knowing I had to go home. He dropped his hands from my neck but reached for my hand to hold while I got into the truck. When I was finally in the cab he closed the door behind me and leaned in after I unrolled the window.
“Tomorrow seems like a long way off, doesn’t it?” he smiled.
“Yeah, it kinda does,” I admitted. “I’ll see you at school though, like before biology, right?”
“I’ll wait for you by my car.”
I smiled and turned my attention to the road, shifting the truck into drive and taking the wide u-turn slowly to get my truck turned back in the proper direction. The silver Volvo was exactly two car-lengths behind me the entire way home. I used my rear view mirror to study his face as often as I could while still watching the road. I decided half way home that he looked happy and peaceful, and part of it was due to me. It didn’t make sense to me but it made me proud and happy. I made Edward Cullen happy and fucking peaceful. Who would have ever thought it was even possible? He didn't wait for me to get out of the truck. As soon as I parked it at the curb he was gone from my sight, blowing past me and out of eyeshot within moments. I just sat and watched him drive away and tried to put the events of the day into some semblance of sense and order in my head.
I slept like a fucking baby that night; no dreams, good or bad, just a long and peaceful sleep induced by Edward Cullen’s affection. A sweeter sleep was never had.
Chapter 19: Surrender Part 2 is here
Chapter 19: Surrender (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 12,503
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
19. Surrender
A/N: Obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer’s ownership: Twilight és annak minden karakter tulajdonában van, Stephenie Meyer ... Word. And yes, I am amusing myself.
So yes okay, this chapter is exceedingly long, crazy long, stupid long, epicly long…I could go on with my silly descriptions if you like? I probably should have cut it long ago, or split it into two chapters but alas, I didn’t. I wanted the end from Bella’s POV and just kept on writing until I got to that part that I wanted in her POV and then stopped. And I’m sort of laughing at myself because I don’t know what happened to my chapters. I started off between 3 and 5 thousand words and this one is like 13 k. So I hope you’ll forgive my verbosity, or enjoy the shit out of it, or both. That would be good. Very good in fact. It would make this author a happy camper.
3 updates in 3 days. WOOT!
Mad love to everyone who has left reviews. The wonderful thing about a lot of chapter updates is the number of reviews I get in my inbox. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
From Bella's POV...
I was a mess waiting for Edward to pick me up that morning. I’d never felt so obvious in my life. I wished I’d stuck to my guns and insisted on walking to school. I was not a morning person at all and I felt the compulsion to be on my toes and just fucking wasn’t. He would easily be able to trip me up this morning if he tried in even the slightest way. I walked out the door, slamming it behind me, and wished more than anything to just not fuck up. He was walking towards me, looking as gorgeous as ever, almost glowing with confidence and I suddenly felt dim and unworthy to be beside him. And even though I’d spent half of my time over the last twelve hours trying to force myself to let go of the childish fantasies of Edward and I as a ‘we,’ I was still swimming in them. I reminded myself that he didn’t like me, but doubted the words as they left my lips. I reminded myself that he was just being polite, but rationalized his politeness into an interest in me within seconds. I was a lost cause. I resolved to just get in the car and say nothing. It was the only way I had a fucking chance at saving face.
“Good morning,” he greeted me in his perfectly velvety voice.
“Hey.” I half smiled, more out of my need to not speak than happiness. He was studying my face and I wondered why. Could he see how stuck I was on him? My eyes fell to the ground and I moved to get into the car, feeling awkward and wanting to escape the evident discomfort, only to notice that he was holding the door open for me, and not just holding the door, but offering me his hand to help me get in. I wanted very badly to take his hand but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury. I was so absolutely affected by him that I was sure I’d moan or whimper when he removed my hand from his and he would know what a pathetic obsessed freak I truly was. I wanted to keep that my secret for as long as I could manage. I tried to smile a thank you at him but I’m sure I looked incredibly stupid. I was extremely thankful that Edward didn’t seem to notice.
He set out making the small talk, which was fine with me. I couldn’t handle the pressure of creating conversation. He teased me right off but not in an annoying way. In fact it seemed like he was trying to find out more about me in a very upfront yet casual way, questioning me about things that bothered me. It was sweet, because really I needed another thing to find attractive and perfect about him. I was inwardly disgusted with myself, but not enough to stop thinking about his sweetness, and how I wanted more of it.
I asked him about my truck and he told me that Blondie and Man-boy were going to finish it at lunch. I was happy it wasn’t anything serious but looked forward to Edward driving me to get it, if for no other reason that to spend more time with him. I figured if I was going to be a stupid motherfucker I may as well enjoy it to the fullest while it lasted.
We decided where we’d go on our date. He offered to drive me but I couldn’t accept. I needed to have an escape plan in place if I required it. I couldn’t depend on his assistance in case the date was a horrendous flop. I couldn’t tell him that of course so I made it seem like I was an independent bitch. I used to be one. I wondered what he’d think if he knew how fucking badly I wanted him to drive me. The thought unnerved me so I made a quick exit, telling him I’d see him in biology. I allowed myself one last look over my shoulder and when I realized he was still watching me I may very well have squealed. I glared angrily at every last person who shot me a look. Let me have my squealing people. That’s all I was asking for.
I wasn’t used to seeing Edward between classes so he was able to sneak up behind me in his usual fashion and scare the shit out of me, except in this case it wasn’t scaring as much as it was turning me on to the point of sexual fucking frenzy. He leaned in from behind me and whispered his hello in just the right way to make me shudder. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed he didn’t notice me trembling and then swung around to face him. I was still of the mindset that if I was being stupid that I should enjoy his attention. And it may have been my imagination but I would swear that he ran his fingers through my hair. I don’t think I was meant to notice but how could I not? Whenever his body connected with mine electricity shot through me and that was pretty fucking impossible to miss, so even though I shouldn’t have been able to feel his hands in my hair, I could still sense his body connecting with mine some how. Or maybe I was imagining it, but I didn’t care. I liked the idea that he would stroke my hair like that, like my mom used to. She was the only other person who had ever shown me that loving gesture and I revelled in it in my head. I couldn’t even bring myself to feel stupid about it. I just stared back at him with a knowing glance. In a strange and surreal way it was all becoming real; the looks, the touches, they were coming to mean something to me. I wanted them to mean something. I wanted Edward to mean something.
Mike was coming for me at the end of history so I shut him out, rushing to the quad to see if I could catch a glimpse of Edward but there was no sign of him. I was already anticipating lunch, hoping to find Alice and see if I could pull any information from her. She might let something slip accidentally, or I hoped she would. To my great pleasure I didn’t have to find Alice because Edward was waiting for me outside my classroom after fourth period. I smiled at him and then realized I was making a pretty big fucking assumption that he was waiting for me and wiped the smile from my face. I tried to disguise my slip up with a joke and made a hasty exit trying to save face but he called after me, asking me to lunch. I about peed my pants. Edward Cullen wanted to have lunch with me? He was cracking jokes and trying to make me laugh and the stupid motherfucker in me was gloating smugly. It was starting to become really friggen difficult to believe that Edward didn’t like me. I don’t know how or when it changed, but somehow it just might have.
We headed to the cafeteria. Edward must have noticed my discomfort with the curious losers who were staring at us. He offered to eat outside with me or in his car but I was pretty damn sure that the close quarters of his front seat for an entire hour would be more than I could fucking handle. I was enjoying his attention but I was fucking stupid. Too much privacy for us was not a good thing in terms of remaining on my best behaviour, namely not throwing myself at him.
I wondered why Edward didn’t get anything to eat but he told me he’d had a large breakfast and didn’t like to fill up before his run after school. It made sense, except that today he wouldn’t be running. He was driving me to my truck. I thought of calling him on it but realized I didn’t give a shit. If I pushed for too many answers my obsession would be clear and that was the last thing I wanted.
I was enjoying not having to hide my stares sitting across from him. We were eating lunch together and it felt natural to look up at him as often as I wanted, which was pretty fucking often for me. That’s why I noticed when a wide smile broke across his face even though we weren’t speaking. I couldn’t help my curiosity. Apparently Mike was making an ass of himself, glaring at Edward and Edward found it amusing. Hell, I’d find it amusing too if I wasn’t the object of Mike’s fixation. Edward was very careful with how he worded the question but it seemed like he wanted to know if I was interested in Mike. It was only more evidence that I might mean something to him, or it was me wishing it meant that. Either way I wanted Edward to know I was not the least bit interested in the idiotic fucktard.
Edward seemed pleasantly surprised by my lack of feelings for Mike, calling Mike over to our table and proceeding to call him on his fascination with me. I enjoyed every word of their exchange and Edward’s smug happiness with the whole situation. If it made him happy to know that he was the only guy I was interested in then more fucking power to him. It wasn’t my fault that Mike couldn’t take a hint and let go of the idea of the two of us together. For what felt like the millionth time I told Mike I wasn’t interested and for the millionth time he seemed to ignore every word I said. Even Edward noticed and we laughed about it together.
Again with the motherfucking staring on the way to class. Edward was right when he said people were going to be staring at us a lot. I tried to refocus my attention on Edward instead of the gawkers. It was really friggen easy to get used to Edward’s lightness and easiness. He was everything I wasn’t, confident and assured and generally pleasant and easy going with me that day. His hand hung casually at his side as we walked and a tiny part of me longed to pick it up and hold it. It seemed like such a natural thing, and I suppose that’s why I fought doing it. Edward and I weren’t natural. For as far as my brain had advanced things between us in my mind, and for as easy as it was to believe in the possibility that he cared, it was just as easy to remember that we were fleeting and destined to fuck each other over, him because he could have whatever he wanted and it would only be a matter of time before he wanted something other than me, and me because that was what I did, I fucked things up, excelled at it even. Staying in the fucking moment was of utmost importance to me if I had any chance at enjoying Edward’s attention.
He leaned down to whisper in my ear as we stepped through the door of the classroom. “Are you okay?” he murmured. I looked over at him and his face was suddenly serious.
“Yeah, why?”
He leaned back down to me again. “Because you look so unhappy,” he murmured sadly. I blushed, wishing my face weren’t so easy to read or at least not that easy for him.
“Just the stupid gawkers,” I lied. I wondered if it would change his mind about us if he knew how badly I would fuck things up between us.
“I won’t let them hurt you,” he assured me with a smile and an uncharacteristically intense gaze. He didn’t usually look at me like that in front of other people, only when he was about to kiss me. It’s not as if he would kiss me in the middle of the classroom but my body sure wanted him to. In many ways it was easier to ignore my feelings for him when he and I were pure attraction. The feelings made everything so much more complicated. I mean I was letting myself believe he cared about me and that was ten kinds of complicated right there. I forced a smile to my lips, not knowing how to answer him, and took my seat.
Class started and instead of listening to Mr. Banner, I was trying to figure out if Edward was sitting closer to me or if it was my imagination. I could feel his strange electricity more strongly today and it made it fucking impossible to concentrate. I could hear myself trying to explain my failing grade to Charlie. ‘Honest Charlie, the dude I sit next to is fucking gorgeous and sends out random electrical jolts that make it impossible for me to concentrate on anything beside the wetness between my legs and how much I want him to push me up against a wall again.’ Yeah, I’m sure Charlie wouldn’t be upset if I failed with that as my excuse.
Edward kept looking at me and it was making ignoring him virtually impossible. I put my pen down when Mr. Banner stopped to take a question and dropped my hands to my lap, rubbing them up and down my thighs trying to distract myself from all of the fucking weirdness I was feeling. This love thing was intense. Edward leaned into me and I braced myself for his breath against my ear. Instead he reached for my hands and covered them with his. His fingers overlapped my hands and rested lightly on my thigh. I swear sparks flew at the contact and I whimpered before I could control myself, forcing a cough out to try and disguise it. His hand squeezed mine lightly and he smiled, not seeming to notice my bizarre reaction to his completely nonsexual touch that my mind made erotic. He was only trying to soothe me and I smiled back him when I thought about what he could do to my body if he intended his touch in a sexual way. I would melt, or spontaneously combust or go catatonic or all three.
Class was over way too fucking fast. I knew I’d see Edward after school but considering my hatred off all things gym I would rather skip over the crap and go right to the good stuff.
“Can I walk you to class?” he murmured, his voice deep and quiet against my ear.
“Sure,” I gulped, wishing his tongue would suddenly dart out and lick behind my ear and down my neck for as long as he wished or forever, whichever came last. His arm curled around my body as he offered the aisle way to me first. As I moved in front of him his hand pressed lightly against the small of my back and I moaned quietly. It was lost in the white noise of the room thank God, but holy shit did his hand feel good on my back. I instantly began to wonder what it would feel like with no fabric in between and the suggestion made me shudder.
“Are you cold?” he asked, bending towards my ear again and making my mind explode. I wasn’t sure he even knew what he was doing to me but I blushed anyway because I knew.
“No,” I admitted quietly, turning to look up at him. I hoped my eyes would say what I couldn’t put words to, how badly I wanted him, how fucking glorious his touch was on my body, how I wished he would kiss me. His smile fell slowly from his lips and his eyes took on an unprecedented intensity that I would guess matched my own. Either way I was pretty sure that he understood what I was trying to convey.
He walked beside me all the way to the gym and we exchanged another intense knowing glance to say goodbye. All I could think about was getting to the end of the next hour to get back to him. Maybe by then I’d be able to put words to my thoughts, or lips to it, which was definitely my preference.
“I’ll meet you back here after school? Or would you prefer to meet me at my car?”
“Here’s fine, I guess,” I mumbled, considering my options.
“I’m not sure how public you would like to be?” he whispered. It wasn’t something I’d even thought about. I was still trying to get used to the idea that an ‘us’ might actually have the possibility of existing.
“Right…I…ummm…” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or insult him in any way by saying I’d rather keep things between the two of us.
“It’s okay Bella,” he soothed me with his velvety voice. “This is private. I have no problem being discreet about it.”
I smiled up at him, amazed that he was so understanding about my hang ups and pleased that he saw the two of us as a private thing and awed that he was not only concerned about my feelings but seemed to have a very good understanding of what made me tick. That had to say something in regard to his intentions about me, didn’t it? “I’ll wait right here. See you in an hour.”
“In an hour,” he echoed. I watched him leave and he didn’t disappoint me, glancing back at me twice with that same intense look. At least I wasn’t the only one drowning in our connection. It felt scary and amazing and totally overwhelming but in a good way, in an exciting way, in a vehement way. The newness of it only increased the intensity and I wondered if he would feel the same way after the newness had worn off. Would I just be another face in the crowd then, or would I move on past new to favoured or maybe even loved? And then I mentally slapped myself. I don’t know why I was fucking pushing into the future like that. I reminded myself to stay in the moment and enjoy the ride. I would wreck it all with my anticipating and expectations if I let myself have half a chance to do it. In the moment, it had to be in the moment.
My hair was damp with sweat when I finished gym and I landed up pulling it into a ponytail to get it off my neck. It took me extra time to get it just right and Edward was already waiting for me by the time I finished. That sexy crooked grin of his absolutely lit up his face as he held out my key ring for me. “Your chariot Madame.”
“Hi,” I smiled. “Thanks.”
“You’re very welcome. I like your hair like that…I’ve never seen it pulled back before. It’s very pretty.”
“Uh…thanks,” I mumbled, shuffling my feet to disguise my discomfort. It wasn’t working so I changed the subject. “Was Blondie pissed off that you asked for her help?”
“Rosalie? No, not at all. She enjoyed looking under the hood I think.”
“Why?”
“That engine is like an antique; so simple compared to the sophisticated engines in today’s sports cars. If anyone can appreciate its simplicity, it’s Rosalie.”
“I don’t really care if she fucking appreciated it, only that she fixed it.”
“She did,” he assured me. “She said the engine must have been rebuilt and that it was in very good condition, something about being built like a tank,” he laughed.
“Don’t pick on my truck,” I warned him playfully.
“Sorry,” he grinned. “I suppose if it keeps you safe then I should keep my mouth shut.”
“It does,” I persuaded. “Not that it matters if it doesn’t because it’s only piece of crap I can afford.”
“Well I’m glad that it keeps you safe then. I would hate to think of you being unsafe.” His voice was a little too intense and I wondered if he meant to say exactly what he’d said.
“You would worry?”
“I already do.”
I waited for him to open my door before I spoke. That seemed to make him happy, to be able to do that for me. Once inside, I folded my hands in my lap and waited for him to get in. “I do too,” I confessed, still staring at my hands. It was harder to admit than I thought it would be, but from the corner of my eye I saw him smile and that made me happy that I took the risk. He shifted the car into drive and headed west.
I watched his shifting hand silently for a bit, noticing the way it rested laxly on the gearshift and how his fingers dangled in the air. I could see him looking at me now and again, probably wondering what the hell I was watching. He shifted his hand from the gearshift to the armrest once he was on the highway. It brushed lightly against my hand and I felt the spark of contact again. I had the same urge I had earlier, to pick up his hand and hold it, but it felt too obvious. He noticed me watching his hand again.
“I know I keep asking you this but is everything okay?” he asked softly. Even if I weren’t okay just hearing his voice would make me that way.
“Fine.”
“You’re so quiet,” he noted. “Maybe it would be better to ask you what you’re thinking?”
I blushed instantly, not wanting to admit what I had been thinking about. “No, that wouldn’t be better,” I mumbled.
He obviously noticed my blushing and laughed lightly. “I think it might be the exact right question. Please tell me.”
“I can’t. It’s so fucking obvious.”
“I don’t mind obvious,” he assured me thoughtfully. I just shook my head repeatedly, trying to convey my absolute fucking aversion to answering his question. His brow furrowed and his lips pouted out slightly. It was so fucking cute I couldn’t hold my smile back. It didn’t go unnoticed. “What are you smiling about?”
“Your pout. It’s so damn adorable.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “You won’t answer my question and you laugh at my frustration. That’s not very nice,” he scolded me playfully.
He was right though, and I would have hated it if he did the same thing to me. I may not be comfortable talking about the thoughts in my head but I could show him what I was thinking. It wouldn’t hurt me to be obvious, and I wanted to be fair to him, to give him something, even something small. I let my hand slide along the leather armrest towards his hand and then under it, pushing my hand into his and fanning out my fingers along his palm. His skin was cool and smooth and the electricity sparkled between our palms in tingly, energetic sensations. I purposely looked up at him before I spoke. “That…that is what I was thinking about.”
His fingers curled around mine and squeezed my fingers lightly. His smile was joyous and for the second time that day I was glad I took the risk for him. It felt really good to make him happy. “I think I will amend my question. Instead of asking you what you’re thinking, from now on I will ask you if you will do what you’re thinking.”
I snorted. “Believe me Edward. You don’t want to know what I’m thinking and you want even less for me to act on my thoughts. You know I can be a totally stupid motherfucker, don’t you?”
He eyed me dubiously. “I highly doubt that Bella. You are not a stupid woman.”
“I didn’t say I was stupid but I’m exceptionally capable of doing stupid things.”
“We all are,” he noted with a tight smile. I wondered what he was thinking of that made his expression change so dramatically. Maybe it was simply that he thought what we were doing was stupid. I slipped my hand out of his and back into my lap, fearing that it was my assumptions that had changed his mood. Just because I was madly in love with him didn’t give me the right to push myself into his life and just because he was happy that I had shared my thoughts in an abstract way didn’t mean that he wanted to give me his affection.
A moment later he leaned towards me and snatched my hand back up with an intentionally obvious move. “I wasn’t finished with that yet,” he said with a smile, pulling my hand back to the armrest and settling our arms in beside one another like they belonged that way. I didn’t know how to take his gesture, too lost in my own feelings to respond with much of anything. “This is harder than I thought it would be,” he murmured.
“For me too,” I whispered sadly. I didn’t want it to be hard. I wanted it to be happy and easy and completely unlike what life had come to mean to me. “I’m gonna fuck this up.”
“This?” he questioned softly, pulling his car in behind my truck and turning the engine off. He seemed reluctant to finish his thought. “So does that mean…are you…does that mean that you’re willing to admit that there is something between us.” His voice was so quiet I barely heard the words. His tone, which was sad and hesitant, was much more clear.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t admit it?” I wondered softly.
“Last time I suggested a relationship…albeit at the time it was friendship, you were very… against the idea. It was… difficult for me… and it left me feeling a little apprehensive when it comes to asking about the state of you and me.”
“Oh,” I mumbled, remembering the exact conversation he was referring to. It was the day I realized I was in love with him. “I remember.”
“Don’t get me wrong Bella. We don’t have to define us in any way per se. I don’t really care as long as my intentions are known…and yours.”
“My intentions?”
“Yes, your intentions…what you want from me.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat that felt like it was choking me. “What I want from you?”
“I just need to know that you care for me…as I care for you…” His voice sounded strained and uncomfortable and I didn’t know what that meant so I decided to answer the only way I felt capable of.
“I don’t know much about relationships, or expectations, or intentions…and I don’t wanna fuck this up Edward. I do know there is definitely something between us. Is that enough for you? Is it okay that it’s all I can give right now? I don’t know exactly what we are to each other and the idea of laying it all out on the table is really fucking scary to me.”
“What are you afraid of?” he whispered.
“I’m pretty fucking inexperienced when it comes to relationships in general Edward. And the thing is, I fuck things up. I don’t mean to, but I just do. There’s a reason I don’t make friends. People don’t want to stick around. Everybody fucking leaves. And one day you’ll leave too.”
“You can’t know that,” he disagreed quietly.
“I not only know it Edward, I live it.” Our joined hands were screaming at me. They didn’t look right to me, tangled together, and I pulled my hand from his and put it back in my lap.
“I won’t leave,” he whispered.
My anger shut my ears down. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Just fucking don’t.”
“I’m not,” he insisted, a touch of bitterness colouring his tone.
“Whatever,” I spat, unable to control my resentment. He couldn’t promise that. No one could.
He was offended, and his volume and tone reflected it. “Don’t pretend to understand what I am and am not capable of Bella. You don’t know my heart.”
“And you don’t know mine,” I snapped defensively. All the joy and easiness of our day had completely evaporated. We had slipped into our collective comfort zone of anger and irritation, and reality was like a slap in the face. My cheeks were flushed and stinging and I knew I had to get out of there. I was at my breaking point. “Thank you for your help with my truck. And please tell Rosalie that I said thank you. I’d do it myself if I knew her at all. I’ll see you at school.” I didn’t wait for him to answer me. I just opened the car door and launched myself out of the seat in a single movement.
“Bella, wait,” he called, but what was the fucking point? I didn’t want to stick around long enough for it to come to angry insults and accusations that could never be taken back. I unlocked the truck and started to climb in, but his arms stopped me, encircling my waist and gently pulling me back out, turning me to face him before putting me down. “Don’t walk away,” he demanded in a less than compelling tone.
“I’m not,” I disagreed, turning to get back into the truck. His hands came to my shoulders and held me still.
“Please Bella.” His voice was no longer angry. All I heard was sadness and it made me even angrier with myself for hurting him. He didn’t deserve this. He deserved more than a broken hollow loser like me.
I shook my head. “Why Edward? It always fucking comes back to this. We don’t get along no matter how we feel.”
“We’re just trying to find our way Bella,” he soothed, rubbing my shoulders softly with his thumbs.
“It’s not you Edward. It’s me. Please just let me go before I wreck everything.”
“You can’t wreck anything.” I wanted to scream at him to stop being so perfect, and slap him for knowing exactly what to say, and dare him to see reality through my eyes, but I couldn’t do any of those things. I had no fight left in me.
“Just let me hold on to the ‘could have been’ Edward, please?” I was practically begging now. I only wanted to escape before I broke down.
“No Bella. We are so much more than could have beens. I won’t let you pull away from me.”
And then my traitor tears betrayed me and I felt mortifyingly embarrassed as my shoulders shook and the tears poured from my eyes in a way that made it impossible to hide it from him. “Let me go,” I sobbed.
“No,” he insisted softly, turning me around to face him. His hands came to cheeks and held them tenderly while his thumbs worked at drying my tears. “You listen to me Bella Swan. I will not let you go. And I don’t need you to define your feelings or say anything to me that upsets you. All I want from you is the promise of more time…the next minute or hour or day. I don’t even care if you don’t want to promise that to me. If it’s simply what you want then that’s enough for me.”
“This can’t work out,” I rasped as I looked away from his fiercely steady eyes, completely disillusioned by the dismal downturn our formerly amazing day had taken. I was like poison and killed everything I touched.
“It can and it will.” He sounded so sure of himself that I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t. “Bella, please don’t shut down on me.” And then before I knew what was happening his lips were pressing into mine, softly, longingly, begging me to come back to him. His instincts were dead on. He had managed to pull the one thing out of his bag of tricks that would bring me back to him, his physical touch. I tried to resist him but his lips kept coming back for me, kissing me more deeply and pouring more feeling into that intangible emotional connection that existed between us. He broke me down with his patience until I couldn’t resist him any longer and threw myself into his kiss, pushing my tongue against his lips and begging for his affection. He didn’t hold back any longer either, his tongue snaking out and pressing against mine, powerful and indulgent, weakening my resistance to the idea that we could not work.
One of his hands slid around my waist and pulled me closer, resting on the small of my back and triggering all of the memories of earlier today. Like a waterfall my desire gushed forth in an uncontrolled and errant way. My hands seemed to be everywhere, pushing across his chest and stroking his arms and curling around his neck and tangling into his hair. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think of anything but my need to connect with Edward in any and every way possible. I pushed my tongue into his mouth more deeply, offering and searching and taking whatever his tongue delivered in return, and it still wasn’t enough.
His free hand encircled my waist and joined his other hand on the small of my back for a moment, before sliding upward and twisting into my hair. He must have liked it the way it felt because he moaned softly into my mouth and I pressed myself closer to his body. I felt like every cell in my body was on fire. I let my hands drop from his hair and stroked his neck and arms as I resigned myself to take what I knew I wanted. And because I couldn’t contain my need to connect with him, I allowed myself to push past the point I should have allowed myself. My hands slid to his stomach, underneath his leather jacket, and along his waist, stopping to rest just above his hips. I could feel his body underneath my fingertips through the thin fabric of his shirt and it was exactly the contact I needed to ease my longing. He gasped at my touch and shoved his tongue as far into my mouth as it could go. His hand moved from its perch on my lower back and came up to the back of my neck and held it firmly. The feel of his hand on my bare skin made me shudder. I had never been so glad that I had pulled my hair up in my life. His fingers stretched out to grab the end of my ponytail, tangling and twisting my hair around his fingers and pulling it back to my neck. I guess that was Edward taking the contact he needed too, his hand entangled in my hair and holding the bare skin of my neck, and I was totally fucking okay with it. I was better than okay. I was unbelievably turned on by it.
His kiss became less powerful but no less passionate. His unyielding lips took their time with my top lip and then with my bottom lip, sucking and licking and pressing every bit of goodness his mouth had to give with each movement and I just enjoyed the shit out of it, letting him lead me because I owed him for not letting me wreck this perfect moment. As if he could sense my thoughts he pulled back from my mouth, pressing soft kisses along my jawbone, showing me every bit of his complicated desire in the way his lips touched my skin, lovingly, longingly, tenderly. His lips made a path to my ear and my head instinctively tilted away from his to give him better access to that side of me. He found the most sensitive spot behind my ear, kissing and sucking it softly and smiling against my skin when a quiet moan escaped.
I let my head fall against his chest, nuzzling into it, searching out the comfort of his affection while trying to convey an unspoken apology for my inappropriate reaction. How do you explain to someone that you give up too easily so you don’t have as far to fall, because you’re sure that just like everything else fate will fuck up the one thing you truly want, because more than anything you couldn’t stand to hurt them by ensnaring them in your fucked up life?
He pressed one last soft kiss against my ear and inhaled deeply, dropping his forehead to the top of my head and resting it there. He didn’t loosen his grip on me and I didn’t want him to. “Please don’t run away from me Bella,” he murmured. It wasn’t an afterthought or a repeat of his initial thought. It was a new plea, his way of telling me that I hurt him when I ran away, of assuring me that there was nothing I needed to avoid when it came to him, of telling me in no uncertain terms that he believed in us enough for both of us, for when I couldn’t believe, and even when I wouldn’t.
I turned my head and pressed a tiny kiss into his chest and then nuzzled back into it. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. His arms tightened around me and I knew he understood. I didn’t know why he understood or how he could possibly want to be with me after that display but none of it seemed to matter to him.
We stayed in each other’s arms like that for a while. Every now and then I would squeeze my arms around his waist to show him that I was in the moment, appreciating his affection and enjoying his embrace and just generally keeping myself from floating away. I needed the reminders to stay grounded because everything between us was surreal. I used his strange electricity to remind myself that we were really happening and his scent to remind me how utterly magnificent he was and his touch to remind me that there was no way that I could give too much to him. He deserved more than I had to give, but I had somehow become determinedly resolute to give him everything I had and was trying to believe that it was enough by virtue of it being what he desired.
“Are you ok?” he wondered. By the tone of his voice I could tell he didn’t think I was. I wondered if he was waiting for me to implode again, and the idea made me chuckle.
“I am, thanks to you.”
“Is your Uncle expecting you?” I had lost total track of the time. It was an easy thing to do when I was with Edward.
“What time is it?”
“It’s close to five,” he informed me softly. He pulled back from me, lightening his touch against my neck, but was still unwilling to let me go completely. Realizing that made me totally blissful. His eyes searched my face but I wasn’t afraid. All I could see was the concern in his eyes and his gorgeous face and anything that I would reflect back at him would be positive. I didn’t want to make him worry about me more.
“I guess we’ll be eating cereal for dinner,” I joked.
“Can I follow you home?”
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted.
“It would make me feel better.” I couldn’t deny him what he wanted after what he’d done for me.
“If it’s what you want and if it will make you feel better, then fine, but you don’t need to fucking worry.”
He smirked at me and I returned his smile. “And you’re sure you’re okay?”
“More than okay.” I released my arms from around his waist, hating to let go but knowing I had to go home. He dropped his hands from my neck but reached for my hand to hold while I got into the truck. When I was finally in the cab he closed the door behind me and leaned in after I unrolled the window.
“Tomorrow seems like a long way off, doesn’t it?” he smiled.
“Yeah, it kinda does,” I admitted. “I’ll see you at school though, like before biology, right?”
“I’ll wait for you by my car.”
I smiled and turned my attention to the road, shifting the truck into drive and taking the wide u-turn slowly to get my truck turned back in the proper direction. The silver Volvo was exactly two car-lengths behind me the entire way home. I used my rear view mirror to study his face as often as I could while still watching the road. I decided half way home that he looked happy and peaceful, and part of it was due to me. It didn’t make sense to me but it made me proud and happy. I made Edward Cullen happy and fucking peaceful. Who would have ever thought it was even possible? He didn't wait for me to get out of the truck. As soon as I parked it at the curb he was gone from my sight, blowing past me and out of eyeshot within moments. I just sat and watched him drive away and tried to put the events of the day into some semblance of sense and order in my head.
I slept like a fucking baby that night; no dreams, good or bad, just a long and peaceful sleep induced by Edward Cullen’s affection. A sweeter sleep was never had.
Chapter 19: Surrender Part 2 is here