Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup

[missbingley]

Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup is a new feature that I'm bringing to you kind people, where I read magazines and watch TV for you so that you won't have to. You can thank me later.

Allure

Cover Model: Jessica Simpson.
Initial Thoughts: "Ew, why does Heidi Klum look so ugly? Oh, ew. Ew. Jessica Simpson on the cover of my magazine. Ew."

Comments

[rexmanning]

As one of those elite three, I have to say that you are so allowed to milk the Giselle comparison for all that it is worth, as I have been milking a Lauren Ambrose comparison since Christmas. And that's not nearly so exciting.

Thank you, Miss Mallory, for reading fashion magazines so I don't have to. I mean, besides Vogue.

[missbingley]

I'm going to milk the Gisele thing forever. And ever.

I plan to recap Vogue tomorrow, but you already read it. I'll never let that happen again, I promise. You have my word.

[pastahero]

Thank you, Miss Mallory, for reading fashion magazines so I don't have to.

Word! You're my pipeline to all things girly.

[missbingley]

Just you wait until I take you shopping. That's all I have to say.

[rockgeisha]

HOPE ATHERTON! Gah, what a fucking douche. I want to punch her in the face so bad! She sneaks up on you, too. You'll be all cozy, kicking back with the new issue of Vogue, and then all of a sudden, there's her stupid, simpering ass face. She always looks like she'd be totally pretentious, which is ridiculous because she has an ass face, stupid hair, and dresses like shit. Hate her. Totally.

The thing about Tripp is, I have no idea who this kid is. Like, I remember reading about him in the local paper--something about his modeling career but...we are close in age and I should remember like, going to high school with him or knowing him at all. But I don't. Which leads me to conclude that either he moved to Eufaula after I left or he was a total fugmo in high school. I need to do more research.

[missbingley]

Seriously, I despise Hope Atherton. Despise. She and Lola Schnabel are tied on my list of useless bitches with bitchface and no fashion sense. Hope might narrowly beat Lola because of that damn skunk hair. Argh, Hope Atheron pisses me the fuck off. Irrationally, maybe, but still. She makes my blood boil.

Tripp's not that cute, in my opinion. I can see forgetting him in real life. But I'm not into the bland, athletic guys, either. Meh.

[rockgeisha]

Yeah, I just don't get what it is about Hope Atherton (besides her aforementioned liabilities) that makes me become so unhinged. She puts off some evil pheromones or something.

And as for Tripp, yeah, he's not my type--he's about twenty five years too young. Hee. But I should know him. I just read an article about him in the hometown paper and man. It named his grandfather, which would make him the cousin of this girl that totally idolized me in high school.

That girl...wow. I remember one day I was sitting in the commons area during break and she walked up in the most fashion victim outfit I have ever seen. Mohair sweater, satin skirt, glitter heeled jelly shoes and a teddy bear backpack. I was agog. I was probably wearing something like a vintage sheer Mexican embroidered top and destroyed jeans. Hahaha.

[missbingley]

We need to destroy Hope Atherton, like, seriously. She's useless. I mean, really, bitch has no purpose. I just know that I want to pull her hair really hard every time I see a picture of her.

Eeep! That fashion victim is just...I want to say that I feel bad for her, but on some level, she must have deserved being given that fashion sense. That shit aint right.

[baronbv]

Randy from Pop Idol *really* reminds me of a white person person trying to be black, I swear if you put a sponge to his face you'll find Lou whatshisface that used to manage O Town. Same with LaLa off MTV. I fucking hate her, everything is 'off the hook' and 'for real'. Why do people think that the only black people they can put on tv are those that have a wor vocabulary of about four sentences? It reminds me of that Sabrina the Teenage Witch episode when Sabrina made a Sabrinabot that only had a few sentences that it could say, so she tried to pick ones that would fit in every situation.
Fucking randybot.
Oh yeah, and I'm MILKING like a mofo the Marilyn Monroe comparisons I've got loads of recently...not to mention the few Gwen Stefani ones that have occurred along the way.
It's perfectly acceptable, we're all gonna get old, wrinkled, ugly and ignored soon.

[missbingley]

LaLa is truly awful. She tries so hard, yet is so lame.

It's perfectly acceptable, we're all gonna get old, wrinkled, ugly and ignored soon.

Seriously. I'm going to bring it up all the time, just because I can.

[edda]

Something in her just inspires sleep.

That's why Orlando Bloom loves her; I think he must have insomnia.

...the untimely death of Olivia Goldsmith.

Oh, no! Seriously, I never read her books, but I knew who she was. Fluffy people just shouldn't die, it's so wrong.

They try to get me to part with liquid eyeliner. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, BITCHES.

This is why in any social situation you will be the dominatrix queen over at least half the women there, even if you're nice about it. I can't get CRAYON eyeliner to work right. Liquid? Like a rhinceros masquerading as Ziggy Stardust. Sooooooo not good.

And the word 'crayon' randomly reminds me of this Reader's Digest condensed novel my grandma had about this bus full of kids being kidnapped, along with their teacher? And one of the girls was trying to distract the kidnappers, and she was this very mature fourteen or something? And she used a RED CRAYON to color her lips. The hell? I tried it and got friction burns making it work, and it didn't work. It was set in Australia; maybe 'crayon' to

[missbingley]

Fluffy people just shouldn't die, it's so wrong.

I want that printed on a shirt. Awesome.

I find liquid eyeliner easier to control than a pencil. I don't know why, but I always find that my lines are straighter with the liquid kind.

And the word 'crayon' randomly reminds me of this Reader's Digest condensed novel my grandma had about this bus full of kids being kidnapped, along with their teacher? And one of the girls was trying to distract the kidnappers, and she was this very mature fourteen or something? And she used a RED CRAYON to color her lips. The hell? I tried it and got friction burns making it work, and it didn't work. It was set in Australia; maybe 'crayon' to them is 'lipstick' to us. At least now you have another entry for Mallory's Big Book Of Makeup Hints & Tips.

My god, that made me laugh. I must have read it five times, and I just keep on laughing. Who ARE these people?

Thank you! THANK YOU! I used to try that all the time and it didn't work for me either and I figured it was because I'm so Makeup Impaired. I'm

[edda]

Because you are so thoroughly dedicated to Good Grooming, Prettiness, and Fabulosity In All Areas, let me as a bonus direct you here, and please note that if you scroll down, there's a quote from one of the Sex and the City cast members, though whether about the product itself or the general notion, I can't say.

I'm not for minute insinuating that a.) you need this or b.) you should consider it, because, um, I don't like pain, and I don't like passing it on to my friends. But beauty is a harsh mistress, etc., and it does seem...ah, interesting, even for those of us (me) who will never, EVER actually follow through.

[missbingley]

And that link! Wow....just...wow. Speechless.