Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup

[missbingley]

Mallory's Pop Culture Roundup is a new feature that I'm bringing to you kind people, where I read magazines and watch TV for you so that you won't have to. You can thank me later.

Allure

Cover Model: Jessica Simpson.
Initial Thoughts: "Ew, why does Heidi Klum look so ugly? Oh, ew. Ew. Jessica Simpson on the cover of my magazine. Ew."

Comments

[coast]

The April issue of Vogue is pretty good; I thought the articles about obesity and diets and stuff were somewhat interesting, but I could have used more. I think I'm the biggest fan of Vogue for its fashion photography more than I am for any articles it may write. Then again, it's Vogue, so its strength really isn't supposed to be writing deep and intelligent articles. They leave that to Vanity Fair. Oh, Conde Nast Publications. How I long to work for you one day

[missbingley]

Oh, I nearly threw Vogue out the window. I fucking hate the Shape Issue. Plus, they used Veronica Webb as a model. I have long standing, famous issues with Veronica Webb. Ugh.

SJP is so cuuuuuuuute.

And Yoanna is beyond pretty. Her final portfolio on the ANTM website is lovely.

[coast]

I know, I saw it this morning and nearly died. How wonderful. It has renewed my goal to become America's Next Top model. well not really, but like. model-like?

Veronica Webb sucks.

Shake ya body body, Mal.

[missbingley]

I'd kill for her cheekbones. Well, maybe not kill, but seriously punch someone at the very least.

Veronica Webb can BITE ME. I have never hated a model more than I hate her. She's one of the most loathesome celebrities ever.

Come on tell me what's good wit you, I'm feeling you while you're feeling me, I'm feeling like I can dance all night, So tell me if you can handle me...

Ahem. Not that I listen to that song or anything.

[pasunepipe]

There's a joke about Scarlett Johansson's "golden globes" at the Golden Globes on page 64. Ahahaha. How fucking funny. Because it's never been done before! Clever!

This is why monthly magazines should not cover special events.

You are too fantastic. I loved this entry. It made me feel like we were sitting by a pool, and I was painting my toes, and you were making bitchy comments about the magazines you were reading. Except I am at work trying to pretend to work and not to laugh.

[missbingley]

This is why monthly magazines should not cover special events

Exactly.

Awww, thanks! One day, we will totally have magazine bitch sessions in person. I was making all of these comments out loud, but I was by myself, so I sort of felt a little insane.

[pasunepipe]

Also, I cannot believe how ugly Jessica Simpson looks in that picture. I do think she can be pretty in a very All-American way, but oh my god, that picture is the fug!

[missbingley]

Isn't that picture absolutely wretched? She's a pretty girl when her mouth is closed, normally, but that is just awful. Maybe they did it on purpose? I don't know. I put far too much thought into how Allure chooses cover shots. I need to get out more.

[cran]

Ryan Seacrest looks even tinier and more orange in person. It's so great.

Cosmo is hilarious. My friend Elinor and I used to grab an issue and read the sex tips out loud at parties to make all the guys uncomfortable (it works so well). Plus the tips sound even more stupid when read aloud in a haughty voice. Good times.

[missbingley]

Oh, poor Ryan. Except not. Maybe if he were funnier, I'd feel bad. As it stands-meh.

Cosmo is the funniest magazine ever. I will try reading it out loud, and see how people react.

[cran]

I miss Brian Dunkleman. He was a terrible host, but you could totally tell he had the proper disdain for the position, and he insulted Seacrest all the time. I loved that.

[missbingley]

Brian Dunkleman creeped me out a little at times, but I did appreciate the fact that he hated his job and everybody associated with it. Ryan needs to chill and stop thinking that he is a real celebrity.

[missbingley]

Kate Bosworth! She's so bland and boring and looks like she should be working at K-Mart or something, not dressing in high fashion and dating Orlando Bloom. It just doesn't make sense to me!

Don't tempt me. I will so walk around campus and hand it out. And get beaten up for it.

[razzberryberet]

You are hysterical and cheer me up every day.

We should start a magazine where the sole point is to make fun of vapid beauty and fashion magazines. I mean, where would women be if we didn't have the Cosmo Sutra?!

What I love about Cosmo is that it's editorial has not changed from the day it hit the newsstands. We are lead to believe that there have been different editors over the years but I still have these hilarious images of Helen Gurley Brown wandering around the offices in a Barbie-pink suit, running her pruney leather hands over all facets of the content and creeping out the people who work there with her bulging, crazed eyes (the result of too many face-stretchings) about how The Time Has Come To Embrace Your Sexuality (But Only For the Benefit of Other Men).

And you know when she dies her ghost (if you can refrain from calling her that now) is going to do the same thing, forever haunting the Cosmo offices.

I've always preferred Bazaar to Vogue, mostly because I really just hate Anna Wintour

[missbingley]

Oh, you're darling.

If we get funding for this magazine, we should SO do it. Imagine how brill it would be?

but I still have these hilarious images of Helen Gurley Brown wandering around the offices in a Barbie-pink suit, running her pruney leather hands over all facets of the content and creeping out the people who work there with her bulging, crazed eyes (the result of too many face-stretchings) about how The Time Has Come To Embrace Your Sexuality (But Only For the Benefit of Other Men).

Hahahahhahaa. Ohmigod, too funny. I always think of this SNL skit when HGB is mentioned. Too funny. "For lunch today, I had a scallop and a packet of Sweet & Low. It was decadent." Hehe.

Jane really is the bag lady of the magazine industry. A bag lady with a nasty smack problem. I can just see Jane "Starfucker" Pratt running around the office, crying, when Renee Zellweger refuses to pose on the cover of the magazine, downing an antidepressant cocktail, and calming down enough to write an editor's letter about how she used to diddle Michael

[edda]

Go here and click on "archives/search". Scroll down, third from the bottom. Click on "10 Things To Hate About Jane". Savor the loathing.

[missbingley]

Brill.

Just...brill.