Day one of the battle.

So I woke up on time, had all my things together the night before, and was out the door 15 minutes before I usually am. 
I drove my car all the way to Portland without stalling once (yay!) 
I arrived at my first day of work orientation 10 minutes early; I was the first one. 
It went well. 
Visited uncle before I drove to class. 
( Read more... )

I'm feeling very 'manic' lately.
again.
maybe it's because I didn't take my meds most of last week.
I was reading about manic depression
they say that the biggest struggle with these people is
encouraging them to consistently take their meds.
the problem is that they take them
they feel better
so they stop taking them.

bingo.

so I need to keep taking ( Read more... )

i was walking to class today and I realized something. 
i am having a good day. 
again.

:)

I am happy. 
I think. 
I think. 
I hope. 
but i really do think
i can do this.

I was walking
carrying all of my books, a paper and a coffee
wearing cloths that make me feel good. 
cloths that I like. 
my hair is down and it looks good. 
I look good. 
and I feel good ( Read more... )

Some days I glimpse at isolated portions of my life
and they seem so illusory. 
just moments; fragments of days, or hours, or just a split second, 
when it all seems so unreal
as if I'm watching my life
and it's not my own. 
this morning
walking to Congress street
from my boyfriend's apartment
wearing the cloths I wore out last night. 
I look good. 
40s style ( Read more... )

some days

my mantra

is

'keep your chin up, peanut.'

right now i feel kinda nauseous.... 
    sick to my stomach 
because
some days
i want to say thank you
and i don't know how. 
     for being the only thing that saved me.

right you im scared
and i don't ( Read more... )

get me through this.
i need more hours in the day. 
stress. 
fucking stress. 
i want out. 
i can't do it anymore.

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the ( Read more... )

living on a prayer.
and coffee....
....lot's of coffee.....

I need to get through this. 
Had a mental breakdown yesterday after mass
on my mother's couch.
i was suicidal.
wearing the same clothing as the night before. 
which was an interesting night/morning. 
best guy friend frustrates me.
i enjoyed finally meeting and hanging out with random's friends.
i ( Read more... )

I 
am 
going 
to 
get 
through 
this 
mother 
fucking 
class.

4am.
i woke from a dream. 
a horrible one. 
my mother had died. 
i couldn't find her.
no one had told me she had died. 
I felt like her ghost was following me everywhere
but i couldn't see her
or talk to her
and i just started screaming and crying. 
i woke up shaking and crying. 
it was one of those dreams that you feel in your core
and you almost can't tell ( Read more... )

sunday
laying in a clawfooted tub
my wet hair plastered to my wet cheeks and bare breasts
crying in a way that i have never cried before
shame
guilt
agony?
pain.... 
i'm clawing at myself 
the smell of cigarettes on my skin overwhelms me
i cannot make it go away
i cannot make it go away
i let my head fall back onto the edge of the tub in exasperation
my shaking ( Read more... )