deeper conversation: epilogue [part i]
deeper conversation: epilogue [part i]
yunho ♥ jaejoong | yoochun ♥ junsu
chaptered | AU | pg-13 (in this part)
+6, 500 words [part i] and +7, 400 words [part ii]
past chapters: [ one][ two][ three][ four][ five][ six][ seven][ eight][ nine][ ten][ eleven][ twelve][ thirteen/final]
--
Seasons passed by in a flourish, and before both of them knew it, it is already the end of November. Yunho had graduated and was now waiting for placement in schools he had applied for, while Jaejoong was busy with his theses and dissertations that time blurred in passing. Buried deep in the mountains of works and studies, they steal moments to be with each other, adapting and molding their lives so that it fits best without much argument.
Because they argue. Not a lot but they do. Sometimes the fights escalate into near catastrophe that could have tear them apart but one of them always draws back, standing at a distance and admitting a defeat. Most of the time it would be Jaejoong, since he’s older and definitely more patient at coaxing the anger out of Yunho, who surprisingly could burst out at unpredictable times and at random situations. There was always an understandable reason behind his outburst usually, and after he had cooled down enough to see things rationally, Yunho would open up and apologize earnestly and they would make up - with or without mind-blowing sex. Those are just added plus.
Like now, when Yunho was frustrated after knowing another one of his applications got rejected even before it got through the second stage. They did not even call him for an interview! What the fuck!
The front door was the first victim to Yunho’s wrath as he slammed it shut after getting in, before it turned to Jaejoong, who appeared just as he was taking off his shoes demanding an apology for the unnecessary noise he had made.
“What the hell Yunho?! We have neighbours!”, Jaejoong hissed, his brows knitting together in a deep frown. His spectacle rode low on his nose, and he was glaring at Yunho, who just huffed in response. It was obvious he had been working on his theses when Yunho came back, tired and just plainly perturbed by the fact that he has not been making any useful progress at all. What’s the use of four years of university if people can’t trust him enough to actually let him work!
Yunho remained quiet, pushing past Jaejoong towards their room, their shoulders colliding and made Jaejoong nearly pivot on his feet. Maybe after he sleeps a little he would be able to talk to Jaejoong and tell him what’s been going on. Maybe if he manages to have a wink of sleep - something he had been unable to do for the past few days - he would realize that he had behaved unreasonably towards his lover of eight months.
“Just grow up…”
Yunho heard it just as he was about to step into their room - a grumbled string of words thrown his way, undeniably by Jaejoong. His steps faltered, slowed down then stopped. He turned around, clearly fuming at the accusations he had found in the utterance.
“What did you just say?”, he asked, his voice hiking a notch as his anger rose. The implications he had heard in Jaejoong’s words cemented his notion of helplessness even more. It certainly did not help at all to know his lover had thought he was behaving like a kid when he was struggling to not become just another burden for Jaejoong to take care of.
Jaejoong walked closer and stood a feet away from Yunho, hands folded in front of his chest in a show of defiance. He looked unblinkingly into Yunho’s eyes, lips tight and unsmiling as he gauged Yunho’s expression. Yunho had dropped his sling bag to the floor, staring back at Jaejoong with a simmering rage.
“You think I’m a kid, don’t you?”, Yunho said again, his voice shaky and trembling.
“Yunho…”
“Just answer me!”
“Hey no need to-“
“Just answer me goddamnit!”
“What the fuck is your problem?!”, Jaejoong yelled back, choosing not to answer both of Yunho’s questions. Yunho balled up his fist, and he saw Jaejoong’s eyes went down to his hand.
“Why can’t you just answer me?!!”
“Why are you acting like-“
“-like a kid?! Is that what you’re trying to say, Jae, that I’m nothing but a kid who you take care of? Is that it?”
Jaejoong’s face tightened, his lips flattened into a rigid line as he tried to control his emotions,
“Don’t put words into my mouth, Yunho. I never said that…”
“You fucking said I need to grow up!!”
“If this is the way you’re acting, than yes, you fucking need to grow up!”
“Grow up like what? Like Yoochun?!”
“What the hell?! Yoochun has nothing to do with this!!”
“I’m so goddamn tired of you yapping about Yoochun! Yoochun did this, Yoochun did that, oh I’m so proud of Yoochun yada yada yada! You still love him, don’t you?!”
“What the fuck Yunho! Did you hear yourself? For Heaven's sake, don’t go down that way, Yunho...you know I don’t love Chun like that anymore!”
“Oh really? Funny you’d say that when you held each other’s hands like you guys are still fucking married! Tell you what, Jae, maybe you shouldn’t have stopped fucking Yoochun, he sure doesn’t need to grow up!!”
It all happened in a flash, and before Yunho can even blink, Jaejoong had already punched him hard across his face, his knuckle hitting Yunho’s cheekbone with the force of his anger. Jaejoong’s eyes widened as his jaw slacked, taken aback by the weight of hatred he had heard in Yunho’s words and the throbbing pain where his hand meet Yunho’s reddening skin. His expression hardened in a matter of seconds, hurt clearly interlacing with disappointment, just as Yunho stepped back, mouth fully gaping as he realized what he had just said.
Yunho did not mean for it to come out as harsh as it did, but it had just been too much and he just did not know how to deal with it. He had realized the subtle change in their dynamics since weeks ago, when Jaejoong had started to spend less time at home and more at the university, leaving Yunho to cater to himself and wait for Jaejoong to come back every night worn-out from the combined stress of work and studies. They rarely even sleep in the same room now, Jaejoong choosing to be a hermit in his study room while Yunho either was out getting interviewed or camped in front of the tv, making friends with various programmes on the channels. Jaejoong did make sure he spent some time to have meals with him - simple dishes often cooked by Yunho, and those are the only times they had to give and receive affection from each other as Yunho was adamant not to distract Jaejoong from his works at other times. Yunho waited patiently for some nights to have Jaejoong crawling under the duvet towards his welcomed arms, but those nights were spent in futile as Jaejoong kept falling asleep in his study, often pillowed by his shoulder or the mountains of paperwork left unorganized and unfinished.
Yunho had been feeling rather under the weather because of all these - just all around beat, unattractive and a failure. And to add up on top of these things, Yoochun’s new book had been topping the bestseller’s list for a few months now, and he just can’t take it when Jaejoong gushed about how proud he was of his ex-husband’s success. Damn it, not when he couldn’t even get a job!
“Jaej-“
“It’s over.”, Jaejoong cut in, voice curt as he turned and strode to the room, leaving a very regretful and dumbfounded Yunho standing in front of their bedroom door, robbed of all thoughts.
*
Changmin was the first one to hammer the reality in, ruthlessly telling Yunho just how much he had fucked up. After the messy fight with his lover, Yunho could not stay in the apartment any second longer, tears nearly blinding him as he ran out towards his old place, which was now Changmin’s permanent lodging.
“Min-ah…”, Yunho cried into his folded arms, wetting the long sleeve shirt he wore. Changmin huffed, shoving a cold beer his brother’s way and rubbing a palm across Yunho’s back awkwardly. He was not used to calming distressed people, and honestly he did not know what he should do when he was faced by one. It was the first time Yunho had looked so depressed, and as a younger brother, Changmin felt the ineptness biting at his concern.
“Aish…”
“I d-don’t know w-what to d-do, M-min…”
“Just say sorry, hyung…I’m sure Jae-hyung would forgive you.”
“I…I don’t t-think so. I s-screwed u-up so b-badly…”, Yunho sobbed, shoulders heaving. Changmin sighed loudly before he ruffled his older brother’s hair, much acting like an older brother himself.
“Good that you know you’re acting like a first-class idiot…”
Yunho lifted his head, his pout prominent on his swollen face at the unsympathetic utterance, before he saw the concern etched on his younger brother’s feature and realized immediately how worried Changmin was.
“Minnnnnnnnnn…”, Yunho bawled as he hugged his younger brother tightly. Changmin yelped, surprise at the sudden reaction. He tried to push Yunho away, uncomfortable with such action but Yunho clung on as hard as he can, and Changmin finally surrendered with dread as he felt his shirt get soaked by his brother’s tears and sneezes.
“Say sorry, hyung. It really isn’t the first time you fucked up. If Jaejoong-hyung can forgive you hundred times before this, I’m sure he could forgive you on this one too. He already knew you’re stupid. What difference would this make anyway?”, Changmin coaxed as gently as he knew how. Yunho spluttered and choked, before looking up at his brother with swollen eyes and watery nose.
“It’s d-different. I…I…I…”
“I…?”
“I…ummm…I….”
“I what?”, it was obvious Changmin’s patience was running thin as he shoved Yunho so he was at a comfortable distance.
“I mentioned Yoochun!”, Yunho exclaimed dreadfully, head falling down in full regret. Changmin’s mouth opened in a complete ‘O’, before he shook his head and sighed.
“Did you say something along the line of he still have the hots for Yoochun?”, Changmin asked, and Yunho’s shocked expression was enough to serve as an answer. He sighed again, deeper this time.
“You really are an idiot.”, he said to Yunho, all the while grabbing his brother nearer to clasp him in a loose, one-arm embrace, “But you’re my idiot brother and I have no choice but to help you. I should have warned you earlier…I saw this coming hard and fast, but I never thought you’d actually say it, hyung.”
“You saw it coming…?”, Yunho gave Changmin his kicked puppy’s confused look.
Changmin exhaled loudly as he began, massaging Yunho’s shoulder gently, “Remember about two weeks ago when you called me after Yoochun-hyung’s celebration party? You were rambling about whether or not you were turning invisible because you felt like Jaejoong-hyung had ignored you all throughout the party…and you bitched about how Yoochun-hyung should have just kept his hand to himself or attached it somewhere on Junsu-hyung’s body but certainly should not be anywhere near Jaejoong-hyung’s hand…and that you thought Yoochun-hyung’s novel was crappy and pointless and you didn’t understand why anyone would want to buy it anyway…”
Yunho’s eyes widened as he pulled back, and Changmin had to chuckle at his incredulous look.
“Oh believe me but you did say all that, okay? I didn’t make any of that up. You were like a chicken in heat - not for some McLovin’, mind you - but for some cock fights. You were terribly angsty and moody and bitchy, never seen you like that before…especially hearing you badmouthed your lover’s ex whom you were so chummy with. But yeah, I should have said something then. I should have told you that you’re just jealous, and you’re feeling inadequate because those guys have made it and you haven’t. And you felt not at par with your own boyfriend, and you’ve been bottling everything up inside when you should just talk it all out with Jaejoong-hyung for better or for worse. He’d understand you, you told me he always does.”
Yunho looked down, reality heavy on his shoulders. He studied his palms, as if he could see what he had done and said in written words scrawled beneath the lifelines.
“I…I don’t think he’d forgive me this time. I went out of line, I said something I shouldn’t have said even in a fit of anger. If I were Jaejoong I wouldn’t forgive myself either...”, Yunho said regretfully, voice hoarse with the weight of his emotions as new bouts of tears leaked down his cheeks. He kept seeing Jaejoong’s disappointed face, how his pretty smile vanished in the brunt of cruel, callous words Yunho had thrown his way in the heat of the moment and the way he swung his fist to Yunho’s face in fury. His ears kept hearing the last words from Jaejoong - ‘it’s over’ repeating mercilessly like a gong signaling his doom.
“Hyung…”
“…He said ‘it’s over’, Min. He doesn’t want me anymore…he doesn’t love me anymore because I’m stupid and retarded and Korea’s number one jerk.”
His heart hurt so much, the pulling force of his regret stabbing deep towards his guts to the point that he could even taste the bitter bile clawing up his throat as he sobbed hard, crying like the world was about to end. Oh wait, his world has ended!
Changmin sighed again for the umpteenth times that night, as Yunho pulled the tab for another beer. The older man sniffled and wiped his snots on his sleeve as he looked at Changmin with a pitiful expression, shoving a new can of beer his way.
“Let’s get shitdrunk and forget about my retardedness tonight, okay? The first one to get drunk will have to sleep on the couch. Come on!”
*
Jaejoong glanced at the wall clock, the minutes ticking by past 3. 42 a.m. as he listened to any sound of Yunho coming back after storming out of the house following their most epic fight yet. He sighed as he massaged his forehead, the headache that had been haunting him for the past weeks creeping up like slow, painful torture - a spider that feed on his sleeplessness and lethargy. He realized he had been working too hard these days, but it could not be help - in fact it was necessary that he gave it his all now.
Christmas was less than a month away, and he was determined not to let any work disturb the plans he had made for Yunho and him. It would be a pleasant surprise for Yunho, as Jaejoong had noticed he had been feeling down since he has not been called for his school placement yet. At this age and year, even school teachers had to compete for jobs, and most schools prefer to have someone with experience rather than fresh graduates, even if they graduated with honours and at the top of their class like Yunho did. Jaejoong understood it well, after all he had once experienced it too when he graduated about a decade ago.
But what Yunho had said was really uncalled for. To mention Yoochun and accuse Jaejoong of still having such feeling towards his ex-husband was just too much. Hadn’t he shown Yunho enough that he loves him and only him? He can’t do anything about his past, he couldn’t alter his history just so Yunho would feel better. He wished he can do that - but he was just a mere human. Yunho knew early on that Jaejoong was once married and had an adopted kid, he had make sure he cleared those facts out before anything happen. And Yunho had gotten to know Yoochun, Junsu and Jinjoo after they started going serious, and Jaejoong never catch a hostile vibe from Yunho towards Yoochun before. Yunho even went out for drinks with Yoochun on various occasions without Jaejoong present. So why the sudden outburst laced with severe jealousy?
He had punched Yunho for that. His hand still throbbed where it met Yunho’s cheek, and as he looked at the reddened skin, he couldn’t help but imagine the pain he had inflicted on Yunho. They have fought before, screaming and hissing at each other because something wasn’t just quite right, but never ever did either of them raise their hands and resorted to physical violence. Jaejoong gulped the bitter taste of guilt down his throat - he too had crossed the line this time.
Jaejoong took out his glasses and dropped his head on his folded arms, pressing his tired eyelids on his hand and trying hard to stay awake. He felt so tired, the papers strewn about foretelling the amount of works he was yet to finish before the holiday starts. He had to sort out class schedules for teachers for next semester and prepare the syllabus for students in special accelerated class, and at the same time type out his study theses and distribute the necessary questionnaire before next week. It was just too much for one person to handle, and suddenly he began to question if he had made the right decision to continue his doctorate studies while still working as a high-school English teacher - and a Head of Department at that too.
He took a deep breath, now really was not the right time to regret on any decision made. Moreover, he had made this decision just so he could be with Yunho, and that was something he would never regret ever doing. Yunho was someone special, the missing piece of himself that he had spent half of his life searching and finally meeting in a rather awkward situation - but all the more meaningful because those were moments Jaejoong would always think about with a smile on his face. Yunho who is imperfect yet perfect for him to love, Yunho who is stupid yet endearing and adorable all the same…
…and Yunho who had said heartless accusation at him but who he still loves more than life itself.
Maybe Yunho really hated him this time…Jaejoong thought forlornly as he stared up at the clock once again. Morning was slowly edging the horizon, yet there was no sign of Yunho coming back to the apartment. Jaejoong blinked back the tears that stung his eyes, lashes becoming sooty and wet as he cried himself to sleep, pillowed by his own arms.
*
The hangover tasted like puke, which Yunho had been hurling into the toilet bowl since afternoon. His head felt like it was about to burst and the cheek where Jaejoong had cuffed him had turned slightly bluish overnight. His eyes were bloodshot from crying all night lamenting his stupidity and the fact that today he was highly likely a single man again. That thought made his stomach churn and he puked more of its content into the bowl, shaky arms barely supporting his weight as he slumped against it, fresh tears slipping out past his swollen eyelids.
“Jaejoongie…”, he muttered, coughing and choking as he did. He had been dumped and had had break-ups before, but none felt as painful as this. Perhaps because his relationship with Jaejoong had been his longest yet - they had been going steady for more than half a year now. It surely accounted for something, those sweet, fluff-filling moments that Yunho knew he will do anything to have back. Jaejoong was different from his previous partners, who had been nothing more than affairs to release his sexual desires. The man was his everything, and Yunho knew with cruel clarity he had royally fucked up and lost the one person he wants and loves more than anyone and anything in the world.
Changmin peered from the doorway holding a clean towel and a toothbrush, his face scrunched up in distaste.
“Fuck what did you eat before you came here last night! That stinks like shit, hyung!”, the young man growled as he shoved the toothbrush and towel Yunho’s way. Yunho gave him a pitiful half-whine half-sob, sniveling as he took the things off his brother’s hand.
Changmin sighed, patting Yunho’s shoulder in a sort of empathy with just a tiny wee bit of sympathy.
“You look dead, hyung…”
“Gee thanks. I don’t deserve the compliment.”, Yunho tried to be sarcastic, but the snot making its way down his red nose made it just failed. Changmin inhaled deeply, face still crinkling in annoyance at the pungent smell of Yunho’s beer-food puke as he reached out and flushed the disgusting goob down the drain. Yunho moved back a bit, choosing to lean against the shower stall this time. He looked all around pitiful, and Changmin felt his heart constricted with guilt at this image of his brother that he never ever seen before.
“Sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse than what I guess you’re feeling at this moment. Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten drunk last night…God what were you thinking?”, Changmin said hushedly, coming near his older brother and slumping down next to him on the limited space.
Yunho gave him a side glance, knees pulled to his chest and arms around the legs.
“I guess I wasn’t thinking, Min. I understand you now…I understand why you overdosed when Inshil left you for someone else. Love hurts, Min. It hurts and turns you into a fool...”
“Hyung…”
“…all I wanted was to make Jaejoong love me and look at me only. I saw how proud he was when he looked at Yoochun, the way he talked about Yoochun’s success like it was his own…I was jealous, Min. I want him to see and talk about my success like that, I want to make him proud. But I’m a failure, Min-ah…I’m a failure who couldn’t even get a job. I stayed in his apartment, ate his food, slept in his bed…and I felt like I’ve ceased to become a man in this relationship.”
Changmin pulled his brother closer, rubbing comforting caresses on his shoulder.
“You’re young, this is expected since you just graduated. I’m sure Jaejoong-hyung doesn’t mind-“
“-how did you know that? Maybe he was thinking about it but didn’t want to tell me because it would make me sad…maybe he was sick of me clinging on to him and leeching off him like some kind of parasite…maybe-“
“-you should stop whining and do something!”, Changmin intervened, frustrated at the way Yunho was beating himself down, “This is the sort of thinking that got you in this mess in the first place! Why are you being so goddamn pessimistic? Jaejoong-hyung never said those ridiculous things to you, you were the one who had been kicking your own sorry ass! Well excuse me but your problem wouldn’t solve on its own, hyung, it needs you to do something! You haven’t even apologized to him!”
“He said it’s over. I heard him, Min. He punched me and he said it, and then he turned his back on me. I heard him, I saw him, Min.”, Yunho said dazedly, seemingly unaffected by Changmin’s earlier words.
“Shitfuck you’re stupid! Your boyfriend said that to you while he’s angry and you just accepted it like that?! Hyung!!”
“I’m stupid. Jaejoong hates me. I deserve this. He won’t forgive me. I’m stupid.”, Yunho sounded like a zombie, and Changmin grunted, annoyed to the bone.
“Yes, keep saying that and it will probably come true for real! Gods…”, Changmin stood up and pulled Yunho to his feet, struggling to haul the older man’s greater weight and shoved him under the shower. He turned on the shower tap, and Yunho yelped at the assault of cold water raining down his head.
“That should wash the stupid out of you! If this is how you behave then I’m not surprised Jaejoong-hyung punched you, hell I’ll gladly punch you for him if he didn’t!”
*
“Jaejoong?”, Junsu called out as he stepped into the dark apartment, the unlock front door giving away easily after the repeated press on the doorbell seemed to produce no response. His heart palpitated with slight worry at the worse case scenario that might have happened. God forbid Jaejoong did something stupid in the thirty minutes drive from his house to the apartment!
He turned a corner and hastily walked down the corridor towards the bedroom, before he passed the office and saw Jaejoong’s figure slumped over the desk, papers littered all over. He tsked as he made his way into the room, and called out softly to the man.
“Jaejoongah…”
Jaejoong looked up, eyes swollen and Junsu immediately saw damp spots on the papers Jaejoong had slept on. He doubted it was from drool, since the man’s mouth showed no sign of that. Only one possible reason could explain the wetness - Jaejoong had been crying.
“Junsuya…what are you…doing here? Where’s Jinjoo and Yoochun?”, Jaejoong asked confusedly, rubbing the sleep out of his face. He straightened out in his working chair, and Junsu heard the bones popped and he could guess how sore Jaejoong felt at the moment.
“I came alone. Changmin called home not long ago asking for Chun but he was out for his book-signing event, and he took Jinjoo with him because he wanted to tag along. I asked Changmin what’s the matter since he sounded a bit out of sorts, and he told me about you and Yunho. He said he wanted to ask Chunnie to take a look at you, so I said I’d go in his behalf. The boy’s worried about you, Jae, and he sure has a reason to because you look like a mess…”, Junsu spoke gently, coming around and sidestepping some papers to pull Jaejoong into a hug. Jaejoong let himself be coddled, too tired and just emotionally exhausted to response in other ways.
“Is…Is Yunho okay? Did Min say anything…?”, he asked against Junsu’s chest, his voice a bit muffled by the tight embrace. Junsu patted his hair soothingly and nodded, pulling away to look at Jaejoong in the eyes.
“Min said Yunho’s a mess too. He got himself drunk last night and now he’s suffering from a terrible hangover. How long has you been sleeping?”
“What time is it now?”
“Almost eight at night.”
“Ah I’ve slept for some time then…”
Junsu sighed, before he gave Jaejoong a sympathetic smile, “You should probably shower then, Jae. I’ll cook something, I’m sure you haven’t had anything to eat since last night.”
Jaejoong nodded as he pushed himself up, staggering as he stood up. Junsu held his arm to steady him, and they both made their way out of the chaos of his office towards the bedroom. Jaejoong’s heart clenched at the sight of the slightly rumpled bed, Yunho had been rushing to go out to the employment office yesterday that he forgone the usual routine. The bed looked cold and lonely without its usual occupants, and Jaejoong realized it had been long since he slept with Yunho on that very bed, as he often fell asleep in his office.
He closed his eyes and let Junsu led him to the bathroom, not wanting to see more evidence of Yunho’s existence in the house while knowing that last night was probably the last time he’s going to see Yunho in this room. Junsu asked him if he can shower on his own and he just nodded weakly, giving Junsu a half-assuring smile.
Jaejoong stood in front of the bathroom counter and gasped as he looked at himself. He almost couldn’t recognize the haggard man that was looking back at him. There were black circles under his tear-swollen eyes and his skin looked deathly pale, his lips cracked and his wrinkles more apparent than ever. It seemed like the years had caught up to him in the short time he forgot to take good care of himself, too busy with study and work to even give a second glance at his own appearance. So this is the me Yunho had been seeing for weeks… Jaejoong thought forlornly as he touched his sunken cheeks. He couldn’t even blame Yunho for falling out of love if he looked like this, almost like a ghost that was just waiting to pass on to the next world.
He reached for his toothbrush, and in his daze he mistakenly took Yunho’s. Holding the green plastic brush in his hand, he stared at it and cried silently, wanting so much to undo his mistake. He wasn’t aware that he was neglecting himself and Yunho in his professional pursue. All he wanted was for a good, undisturbed Christmas holiday - one that Yunho never had the chance to experience before because of the trouble and struggle of his past. Instead of making it worry-free and full of joy, Jaejoong realized he had achieved quite the opposite. Yunho felt lonely and unloved because he was so stupid to take on more than he could possibly handle.
However, Jaejoong couldn’t forget the uncalled-for accusation...he felt he was wronged somehow because of that. Jaejoong was aware that Yunho is young and hot-blooded, his mood easily tempered by anything that happen, but isn’t he worth Yunho’s patience and more? Yunho knew he doesn’t love Yoochun in that way anymore, they are best friends now and Jaejoong is certain there are no romantic feelings attached between the two of them. Of course they shared the bittersweet memories of their loving, wedded days - but it’s in the past and those should have belonged in the past. Jaejoong never had the intention to open up the box of history and let those memories take reign again, he has Yunho, Jinjoo and Changmin and Yoochun has Junsu and all of them are like one big family now. Yunho’s allegation rocked the balance and harmony they have achieved these past months, and that made Jaejoong feel so disappointed, just so very frustrated.
He turned on the shower, and stepped carefully inside. Letting the warm water spilled over his skin, he cried his pain away, knowing he would have to do something if he wants to keep his relationship with Yunho alive.
The smell of spicy fish stew assaulted his senses when Jaejoong stepped out of the room all dressed and freshly showered. Junsu stood in front of the stove, Jaejoong’s black apron tied around his petite waist as he ladled the boiling concoction, only tilting his head a bit to greet Jaejoong as he walked into the kitchen.
“The rice is still cooking and this will be ready in a minute. Drink that chamomile tea, it’ll help alleviate your headache and calm your nerves…”, Junsu said smilingly, gesturing to the steaming cup of tea on the kitchen island. Jaejoong smiled back as best as he can, sitting on the high-raised stool and watching Junsu moved about his kitchen like it was his own.
“Yoochun is lucky to have you…”, he suddenly said, genuine words uttered without much thought. Junsu chuckled and turned around, leaning against the counter as he looked at Jaejoong.
“Tell that to Yoochun, please, ‘cause he seems to forget it sometimes…”, he said jokingly, before his tone took on a concern tone, “…do you feel better now, Joongie? Want to tell me anything? I can’t promise to give any useful advices, but people say I’m a good listener.”
Jaejoong was the one who chuckled this time, albeit sounding a bit miserable, “Of course you are a good listener, you’re a psychiatrist. People pay you to listen to them.”
Junsu gave him a toothy grin, switching off the stove before coming over to sit on the stool, “But this time it’d be free of charge. I’m going to listen to you as your friend, since this is you, Jaejoongah, and we’re friends, aren’t we? I know you probably feel more comfortable talking to Chunnie than me, but I’ll try to help any way I can…”
Jaejoong cupped the warm mug in between his palm, sniffling as he looked at Junsu.
“I don’t know if Changmin told you about it already or not, but Yunho said something last night…something that I think he shouldn’t have said since the implication is…too huge.”
“Min did say something about Yunho mentioning Chunnie’s name…”
“He accused me of still having a feeling for Chun, which of course, I don’t.”, Junsu nodded, giving a soft smile as an encouragement, “I don’t know what makes him think that way. It’s just too much, Su, I’ve already had so many things going on for me and I can’t handle his distrust with everything else.”
Jaejoong sighed despondently, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he continued, “I’m tired, Su…I’m tired of trying to make ends meet. I don’t know how you and Chunnie do it but I can’t juggle work and love at the same time. I can’t focus on work without neglecting Yunho, and I can’t focus on Yunho without sacrificing my work. It’s like I’m forced to choose between two things I love, and it’s impossible to pick either one because those two things are interrelated. I have to perform in work and studies, and at the same time I have to make sure Yunho feel loved as well. I…I’m at my lowest point right now…I just feel emotionally exhausted, Suya…”
Junsu nodded, listening carefully and taking mind notes about the situation. They had been friends for more than three years now, and had known each other longer. People might think it’s weird for the two to be such good friends, since Jaejoong was once married to Yoochun and Yoochun is now Junsu’s spouse. Fortunately for them the awkwardness that was evident at the start of their acquaintance had long gone, replaced by shared concern and care for one another.
“You’ve talked about this with Yunho?”, Junsu asked softly. Jaejoong shook his head, before sipping the hot tea slowly.
“I don’t want to burden him, Suya, he already is bothered by his school placement…If I talk to him about this, wouldn’t it make him worry more?”
Junsu smiled, now having a somewhat clear idea of what’s going on. Years of having listened to couples who came to him for relationship therapy gave him a bit of advantage, as he can easily noticed what may have caused the trouble.
“I guess I could understand where Yunho was coming from. Things were hard for him, you say, and things were hard for you too. Both of you haven’t had the time to confirm and reaffirm your love for each other because of all these other issues, and it had put a strain on your relationship.”
“But those thing about Chunnie…he didn’t have to say that! I know he’s worried and all, but isn’t that a bit too much?”
Junsu hummed a little, eyes crinkling as he pondered on a thought, “Not really, to be honest. Jealousy is normal in any relationship, and Yunho was probably just jealous that you and Chunnie are still close like before. Plus, he could have felt a bit disadvantaged because of his current situation, which may have affected his self-esteem. Both you and Chun are highly successful professionals, and who wouldn’t feel a bit intimidated when compared to any of you? He might have entertained some irrational ideas in his envy, but that’s normal, yes?”
Jaejoong looked at Junsu, before he muttered under his breath, “I never compared him to Chun before. If you didn’t feel jealous of me and Chun, so why does he have to?”
Junsu chuckled, his megawatt smile brightening his serious face instantly, “Who says I wasn’t jealous?”
Jaejoong looked up, startled by this remark.
“I was jealous too, you know, and I still do at times. I used to wonder what you and Chunnie talked and laughed about, and I was jealous of the fact that you’re Chunnie’s first and you’ve known him longer…”
“Junsuya, I’m so sorry…I didn’t know you feel that way…”
Junsu shook his head as he patted Jaejoong’s arm, smiling still, “…Forgiven and forgotten. We’re all human, we feel these things because we care about the other person so much. Love is both selfish and selfless, we want to possess and yet we don’t want to tie that person to us without his own free will. I admit I’m jealous of you but all of that are childish thoughts, are they not? I tried not to think of them too much, and after I got to know you, I know you guys aren’t like that anymore. Yoochun loves me and he shows it to me everyday, in simple small ways like calling me first when his book got number one on the weekly book chart, or putting a single stem of flower he picked from our neighbor’s garden without permission on my pillow alongside a cheesy note. I have no reason to doubt him because he gives me none, and even if I’m still jealous when you two are together, I remember that at the end of the day he still comes to my bed and he loves me. Yoochun sincerely cares for you, like good friends would, and I understand why he does because I care for you too, Joongie. I like how you keep Yoochun in check when I couldn’t get into his dreamy, sappy head, and I appreciate the fact that we could still be friends despite our circumstances. Yunho probably hasn’t seen beyond that, to be fair he just got to know us for a few months and Chunnie could be such a clingy brat with you sometimes.”
Jaejoong felt his eyes teared up, genuinely touched by Junsu’s heartfelt words, “So what should I do now? He ran out of the apartment and didn’t come back. He ran from me, Su. I don’t know if he still feels the same way about me now…”
“Just think of it this way, Jaejoong. He probably didn’t want to hurt you more than he already has. A short time off could be good for couples, and you should use this time well to reflect on certain aspect of your relationship and think of ways to improve that. Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship afloat, you have to keep working on together to ensure both of your needs are satisfied and fulfilled. Stop trying to shoulder all responsibilities, Joongie, Yunho is more than capable to understand and share some of your burden although he’s much younger than you are. I know you still love him, Jae, and he loves you too. People hurt the ones they love more often that they hurt their enemies.”
Jaejoong bit his lower lips, listening like a naughty boy who had been called by the headmaster for fighting with his classmate. The rice-cooker beeped and Junsu quickly turned to scoop some rice out into a bowl he had prepared. He then proceeded to the stove and ladled the hot stew into another bowl, before bringing both steaming bowls to Jaejoong.
“I’m not as good a cook as you are, but I hope it’s edible. I put extra hot pepper paste in there, I know you like your stew inhumanely spicy.”, Junsu teased, propping his elbows on the kitchen island and smiling.
“Thank you so much, Junsuya...for coming here, cooking me food and knocking some sense into me. I guess Yunho wasn’t the only one who couldn’t see past himself, I do too without realizing. No one is really at fault at this, but both of us are to blame for letting this got to us and bit us in the back. Thank you, I think I know what I should do now.”
--[ click here for part ii]
yunho ♥ jaejoong | yoochun ♥ junsu
chaptered | AU | pg-13 (in this part)
+6, 500 words [part i] and +7, 400 words [part ii]
past chapters: [ one][ two][ three][ four][ five][ six][ seven][ eight][ nine][ ten][ eleven][ twelve][ thirteen/final]
--
Seasons passed by in a flourish, and before both of them knew it, it is already the end of November. Yunho had graduated and was now waiting for placement in schools he had applied for, while Jaejoong was busy with his theses and dissertations that time blurred in passing. Buried deep in the mountains of works and studies, they steal moments to be with each other, adapting and molding their lives so that it fits best without much argument.
Because they argue. Not a lot but they do. Sometimes the fights escalate into near catastrophe that could have tear them apart but one of them always draws back, standing at a distance and admitting a defeat. Most of the time it would be Jaejoong, since he’s older and definitely more patient at coaxing the anger out of Yunho, who surprisingly could burst out at unpredictable times and at random situations. There was always an understandable reason behind his outburst usually, and after he had cooled down enough to see things rationally, Yunho would open up and apologize earnestly and they would make up - with or without mind-blowing sex. Those are just added plus.
Like now, when Yunho was frustrated after knowing another one of his applications got rejected even before it got through the second stage. They did not even call him for an interview! What the fuck!
The front door was the first victim to Yunho’s wrath as he slammed it shut after getting in, before it turned to Jaejoong, who appeared just as he was taking off his shoes demanding an apology for the unnecessary noise he had made.
“What the hell Yunho?! We have neighbours!”, Jaejoong hissed, his brows knitting together in a deep frown. His spectacle rode low on his nose, and he was glaring at Yunho, who just huffed in response. It was obvious he had been working on his theses when Yunho came back, tired and just plainly perturbed by the fact that he has not been making any useful progress at all. What’s the use of four years of university if people can’t trust him enough to actually let him work!
Yunho remained quiet, pushing past Jaejoong towards their room, their shoulders colliding and made Jaejoong nearly pivot on his feet. Maybe after he sleeps a little he would be able to talk to Jaejoong and tell him what’s been going on. Maybe if he manages to have a wink of sleep - something he had been unable to do for the past few days - he would realize that he had behaved unreasonably towards his lover of eight months.
“Just grow up…”
Yunho heard it just as he was about to step into their room - a grumbled string of words thrown his way, undeniably by Jaejoong. His steps faltered, slowed down then stopped. He turned around, clearly fuming at the accusations he had found in the utterance.
“What did you just say?”, he asked, his voice hiking a notch as his anger rose. The implications he had heard in Jaejoong’s words cemented his notion of helplessness even more. It certainly did not help at all to know his lover had thought he was behaving like a kid when he was struggling to not become just another burden for Jaejoong to take care of.
Jaejoong walked closer and stood a feet away from Yunho, hands folded in front of his chest in a show of defiance. He looked unblinkingly into Yunho’s eyes, lips tight and unsmiling as he gauged Yunho’s expression. Yunho had dropped his sling bag to the floor, staring back at Jaejoong with a simmering rage.
“You think I’m a kid, don’t you?”, Yunho said again, his voice shaky and trembling.
“Yunho…”
“Just answer me!”
“Hey no need to-“
“Just answer me goddamnit!”
“What the fuck is your problem?!”, Jaejoong yelled back, choosing not to answer both of Yunho’s questions. Yunho balled up his fist, and he saw Jaejoong’s eyes went down to his hand.
“Why can’t you just answer me?!!”
“Why are you acting like-“
“-like a kid?! Is that what you’re trying to say, Jae, that I’m nothing but a kid who you take care of? Is that it?”
Jaejoong’s face tightened, his lips flattened into a rigid line as he tried to control his emotions,
“Don’t put words into my mouth, Yunho. I never said that…”
“You fucking said I need to grow up!!”
“If this is the way you’re acting, than yes, you fucking need to grow up!”
“Grow up like what? Like Yoochun?!”
“What the hell?! Yoochun has nothing to do with this!!”
“I’m so goddamn tired of you yapping about Yoochun! Yoochun did this, Yoochun did that, oh I’m so proud of Yoochun yada yada yada! You still love him, don’t you?!”
“What the fuck Yunho! Did you hear yourself? For Heaven's sake, don’t go down that way, Yunho...you know I don’t love Chun like that anymore!”
“Oh really? Funny you’d say that when you held each other’s hands like you guys are still fucking married! Tell you what, Jae, maybe you shouldn’t have stopped fucking Yoochun, he sure doesn’t need to grow up!!”
It all happened in a flash, and before Yunho can even blink, Jaejoong had already punched him hard across his face, his knuckle hitting Yunho’s cheekbone with the force of his anger. Jaejoong’s eyes widened as his jaw slacked, taken aback by the weight of hatred he had heard in Yunho’s words and the throbbing pain where his hand meet Yunho’s reddening skin. His expression hardened in a matter of seconds, hurt clearly interlacing with disappointment, just as Yunho stepped back, mouth fully gaping as he realized what he had just said.
Yunho did not mean for it to come out as harsh as it did, but it had just been too much and he just did not know how to deal with it. He had realized the subtle change in their dynamics since weeks ago, when Jaejoong had started to spend less time at home and more at the university, leaving Yunho to cater to himself and wait for Jaejoong to come back every night worn-out from the combined stress of work and studies. They rarely even sleep in the same room now, Jaejoong choosing to be a hermit in his study room while Yunho either was out getting interviewed or camped in front of the tv, making friends with various programmes on the channels. Jaejoong did make sure he spent some time to have meals with him - simple dishes often cooked by Yunho, and those are the only times they had to give and receive affection from each other as Yunho was adamant not to distract Jaejoong from his works at other times. Yunho waited patiently for some nights to have Jaejoong crawling under the duvet towards his welcomed arms, but those nights were spent in futile as Jaejoong kept falling asleep in his study, often pillowed by his shoulder or the mountains of paperwork left unorganized and unfinished.
Yunho had been feeling rather under the weather because of all these - just all around beat, unattractive and a failure. And to add up on top of these things, Yoochun’s new book had been topping the bestseller’s list for a few months now, and he just can’t take it when Jaejoong gushed about how proud he was of his ex-husband’s success. Damn it, not when he couldn’t even get a job!
“Jaej-“
“It’s over.”, Jaejoong cut in, voice curt as he turned and strode to the room, leaving a very regretful and dumbfounded Yunho standing in front of their bedroom door, robbed of all thoughts.
*
Changmin was the first one to hammer the reality in, ruthlessly telling Yunho just how much he had fucked up. After the messy fight with his lover, Yunho could not stay in the apartment any second longer, tears nearly blinding him as he ran out towards his old place, which was now Changmin’s permanent lodging.
“Min-ah…”, Yunho cried into his folded arms, wetting the long sleeve shirt he wore. Changmin huffed, shoving a cold beer his brother’s way and rubbing a palm across Yunho’s back awkwardly. He was not used to calming distressed people, and honestly he did not know what he should do when he was faced by one. It was the first time Yunho had looked so depressed, and as a younger brother, Changmin felt the ineptness biting at his concern.
“Aish…”
“I d-don’t know w-what to d-do, M-min…”
“Just say sorry, hyung…I’m sure Jae-hyung would forgive you.”
“I…I don’t t-think so. I s-screwed u-up so b-badly…”, Yunho sobbed, shoulders heaving. Changmin sighed loudly before he ruffled his older brother’s hair, much acting like an older brother himself.
“Good that you know you’re acting like a first-class idiot…”
Yunho lifted his head, his pout prominent on his swollen face at the unsympathetic utterance, before he saw the concern etched on his younger brother’s feature and realized immediately how worried Changmin was.
“Minnnnnnnnnn…”, Yunho bawled as he hugged his younger brother tightly. Changmin yelped, surprise at the sudden reaction. He tried to push Yunho away, uncomfortable with such action but Yunho clung on as hard as he can, and Changmin finally surrendered with dread as he felt his shirt get soaked by his brother’s tears and sneezes.
“Say sorry, hyung. It really isn’t the first time you fucked up. If Jaejoong-hyung can forgive you hundred times before this, I’m sure he could forgive you on this one too. He already knew you’re stupid. What difference would this make anyway?”, Changmin coaxed as gently as he knew how. Yunho spluttered and choked, before looking up at his brother with swollen eyes and watery nose.
“It’s d-different. I…I…I…”
“I…?”
“I…ummm…I….”
“I what?”, it was obvious Changmin’s patience was running thin as he shoved Yunho so he was at a comfortable distance.
“I mentioned Yoochun!”, Yunho exclaimed dreadfully, head falling down in full regret. Changmin’s mouth opened in a complete ‘O’, before he shook his head and sighed.
“Did you say something along the line of he still have the hots for Yoochun?”, Changmin asked, and Yunho’s shocked expression was enough to serve as an answer. He sighed again, deeper this time.
“You really are an idiot.”, he said to Yunho, all the while grabbing his brother nearer to clasp him in a loose, one-arm embrace, “But you’re my idiot brother and I have no choice but to help you. I should have warned you earlier…I saw this coming hard and fast, but I never thought you’d actually say it, hyung.”
“You saw it coming…?”, Yunho gave Changmin his kicked puppy’s confused look.
Changmin exhaled loudly as he began, massaging Yunho’s shoulder gently, “Remember about two weeks ago when you called me after Yoochun-hyung’s celebration party? You were rambling about whether or not you were turning invisible because you felt like Jaejoong-hyung had ignored you all throughout the party…and you bitched about how Yoochun-hyung should have just kept his hand to himself or attached it somewhere on Junsu-hyung’s body but certainly should not be anywhere near Jaejoong-hyung’s hand…and that you thought Yoochun-hyung’s novel was crappy and pointless and you didn’t understand why anyone would want to buy it anyway…”
Yunho’s eyes widened as he pulled back, and Changmin had to chuckle at his incredulous look.
“Oh believe me but you did say all that, okay? I didn’t make any of that up. You were like a chicken in heat - not for some McLovin’, mind you - but for some cock fights. You were terribly angsty and moody and bitchy, never seen you like that before…especially hearing you badmouthed your lover’s ex whom you were so chummy with. But yeah, I should have said something then. I should have told you that you’re just jealous, and you’re feeling inadequate because those guys have made it and you haven’t. And you felt not at par with your own boyfriend, and you’ve been bottling everything up inside when you should just talk it all out with Jaejoong-hyung for better or for worse. He’d understand you, you told me he always does.”
Yunho looked down, reality heavy on his shoulders. He studied his palms, as if he could see what he had done and said in written words scrawled beneath the lifelines.
“I…I don’t think he’d forgive me this time. I went out of line, I said something I shouldn’t have said even in a fit of anger. If I were Jaejoong I wouldn’t forgive myself either...”, Yunho said regretfully, voice hoarse with the weight of his emotions as new bouts of tears leaked down his cheeks. He kept seeing Jaejoong’s disappointed face, how his pretty smile vanished in the brunt of cruel, callous words Yunho had thrown his way in the heat of the moment and the way he swung his fist to Yunho’s face in fury. His ears kept hearing the last words from Jaejoong - ‘it’s over’ repeating mercilessly like a gong signaling his doom.
“Hyung…”
“…He said ‘it’s over’, Min. He doesn’t want me anymore…he doesn’t love me anymore because I’m stupid and retarded and Korea’s number one jerk.”
His heart hurt so much, the pulling force of his regret stabbing deep towards his guts to the point that he could even taste the bitter bile clawing up his throat as he sobbed hard, crying like the world was about to end. Oh wait, his world has ended!
Changmin sighed again for the umpteenth times that night, as Yunho pulled the tab for another beer. The older man sniffled and wiped his snots on his sleeve as he looked at Changmin with a pitiful expression, shoving a new can of beer his way.
“Let’s get shitdrunk and forget about my retardedness tonight, okay? The first one to get drunk will have to sleep on the couch. Come on!”
*
Jaejoong glanced at the wall clock, the minutes ticking by past 3. 42 a.m. as he listened to any sound of Yunho coming back after storming out of the house following their most epic fight yet. He sighed as he massaged his forehead, the headache that had been haunting him for the past weeks creeping up like slow, painful torture - a spider that feed on his sleeplessness and lethargy. He realized he had been working too hard these days, but it could not be help - in fact it was necessary that he gave it his all now.
Christmas was less than a month away, and he was determined not to let any work disturb the plans he had made for Yunho and him. It would be a pleasant surprise for Yunho, as Jaejoong had noticed he had been feeling down since he has not been called for his school placement yet. At this age and year, even school teachers had to compete for jobs, and most schools prefer to have someone with experience rather than fresh graduates, even if they graduated with honours and at the top of their class like Yunho did. Jaejoong understood it well, after all he had once experienced it too when he graduated about a decade ago.
But what Yunho had said was really uncalled for. To mention Yoochun and accuse Jaejoong of still having such feeling towards his ex-husband was just too much. Hadn’t he shown Yunho enough that he loves him and only him? He can’t do anything about his past, he couldn’t alter his history just so Yunho would feel better. He wished he can do that - but he was just a mere human. Yunho knew early on that Jaejoong was once married and had an adopted kid, he had make sure he cleared those facts out before anything happen. And Yunho had gotten to know Yoochun, Junsu and Jinjoo after they started going serious, and Jaejoong never catch a hostile vibe from Yunho towards Yoochun before. Yunho even went out for drinks with Yoochun on various occasions without Jaejoong present. So why the sudden outburst laced with severe jealousy?
He had punched Yunho for that. His hand still throbbed where it met Yunho’s cheek, and as he looked at the reddened skin, he couldn’t help but imagine the pain he had inflicted on Yunho. They have fought before, screaming and hissing at each other because something wasn’t just quite right, but never ever did either of them raise their hands and resorted to physical violence. Jaejoong gulped the bitter taste of guilt down his throat - he too had crossed the line this time.
Jaejoong took out his glasses and dropped his head on his folded arms, pressing his tired eyelids on his hand and trying hard to stay awake. He felt so tired, the papers strewn about foretelling the amount of works he was yet to finish before the holiday starts. He had to sort out class schedules for teachers for next semester and prepare the syllabus for students in special accelerated class, and at the same time type out his study theses and distribute the necessary questionnaire before next week. It was just too much for one person to handle, and suddenly he began to question if he had made the right decision to continue his doctorate studies while still working as a high-school English teacher - and a Head of Department at that too.
He took a deep breath, now really was not the right time to regret on any decision made. Moreover, he had made this decision just so he could be with Yunho, and that was something he would never regret ever doing. Yunho was someone special, the missing piece of himself that he had spent half of his life searching and finally meeting in a rather awkward situation - but all the more meaningful because those were moments Jaejoong would always think about with a smile on his face. Yunho who is imperfect yet perfect for him to love, Yunho who is stupid yet endearing and adorable all the same…
…and Yunho who had said heartless accusation at him but who he still loves more than life itself.
Maybe Yunho really hated him this time…Jaejoong thought forlornly as he stared up at the clock once again. Morning was slowly edging the horizon, yet there was no sign of Yunho coming back to the apartment. Jaejoong blinked back the tears that stung his eyes, lashes becoming sooty and wet as he cried himself to sleep, pillowed by his own arms.
*
The hangover tasted like puke, which Yunho had been hurling into the toilet bowl since afternoon. His head felt like it was about to burst and the cheek where Jaejoong had cuffed him had turned slightly bluish overnight. His eyes were bloodshot from crying all night lamenting his stupidity and the fact that today he was highly likely a single man again. That thought made his stomach churn and he puked more of its content into the bowl, shaky arms barely supporting his weight as he slumped against it, fresh tears slipping out past his swollen eyelids.
“Jaejoongie…”, he muttered, coughing and choking as he did. He had been dumped and had had break-ups before, but none felt as painful as this. Perhaps because his relationship with Jaejoong had been his longest yet - they had been going steady for more than half a year now. It surely accounted for something, those sweet, fluff-filling moments that Yunho knew he will do anything to have back. Jaejoong was different from his previous partners, who had been nothing more than affairs to release his sexual desires. The man was his everything, and Yunho knew with cruel clarity he had royally fucked up and lost the one person he wants and loves more than anyone and anything in the world.
Changmin peered from the doorway holding a clean towel and a toothbrush, his face scrunched up in distaste.
“Fuck what did you eat before you came here last night! That stinks like shit, hyung!”, the young man growled as he shoved the toothbrush and towel Yunho’s way. Yunho gave him a pitiful half-whine half-sob, sniveling as he took the things off his brother’s hand.
Changmin sighed, patting Yunho’s shoulder in a sort of empathy with just a tiny wee bit of sympathy.
“You look dead, hyung…”
“Gee thanks. I don’t deserve the compliment.”, Yunho tried to be sarcastic, but the snot making its way down his red nose made it just failed. Changmin inhaled deeply, face still crinkling in annoyance at the pungent smell of Yunho’s beer-food puke as he reached out and flushed the disgusting goob down the drain. Yunho moved back a bit, choosing to lean against the shower stall this time. He looked all around pitiful, and Changmin felt his heart constricted with guilt at this image of his brother that he never ever seen before.
“Sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse than what I guess you’re feeling at this moment. Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten drunk last night…God what were you thinking?”, Changmin said hushedly, coming near his older brother and slumping down next to him on the limited space.
Yunho gave him a side glance, knees pulled to his chest and arms around the legs.
“I guess I wasn’t thinking, Min. I understand you now…I understand why you overdosed when Inshil left you for someone else. Love hurts, Min. It hurts and turns you into a fool...”
“Hyung…”
“…all I wanted was to make Jaejoong love me and look at me only. I saw how proud he was when he looked at Yoochun, the way he talked about Yoochun’s success like it was his own…I was jealous, Min. I want him to see and talk about my success like that, I want to make him proud. But I’m a failure, Min-ah…I’m a failure who couldn’t even get a job. I stayed in his apartment, ate his food, slept in his bed…and I felt like I’ve ceased to become a man in this relationship.”
Changmin pulled his brother closer, rubbing comforting caresses on his shoulder.
“You’re young, this is expected since you just graduated. I’m sure Jaejoong-hyung doesn’t mind-“
“-how did you know that? Maybe he was thinking about it but didn’t want to tell me because it would make me sad…maybe he was sick of me clinging on to him and leeching off him like some kind of parasite…maybe-“
“-you should stop whining and do something!”, Changmin intervened, frustrated at the way Yunho was beating himself down, “This is the sort of thinking that got you in this mess in the first place! Why are you being so goddamn pessimistic? Jaejoong-hyung never said those ridiculous things to you, you were the one who had been kicking your own sorry ass! Well excuse me but your problem wouldn’t solve on its own, hyung, it needs you to do something! You haven’t even apologized to him!”
“He said it’s over. I heard him, Min. He punched me and he said it, and then he turned his back on me. I heard him, I saw him, Min.”, Yunho said dazedly, seemingly unaffected by Changmin’s earlier words.
“Shitfuck you’re stupid! Your boyfriend said that to you while he’s angry and you just accepted it like that?! Hyung!!”
“I’m stupid. Jaejoong hates me. I deserve this. He won’t forgive me. I’m stupid.”, Yunho sounded like a zombie, and Changmin grunted, annoyed to the bone.
“Yes, keep saying that and it will probably come true for real! Gods…”, Changmin stood up and pulled Yunho to his feet, struggling to haul the older man’s greater weight and shoved him under the shower. He turned on the shower tap, and Yunho yelped at the assault of cold water raining down his head.
“That should wash the stupid out of you! If this is how you behave then I’m not surprised Jaejoong-hyung punched you, hell I’ll gladly punch you for him if he didn’t!”
*
“Jaejoong?”, Junsu called out as he stepped into the dark apartment, the unlock front door giving away easily after the repeated press on the doorbell seemed to produce no response. His heart palpitated with slight worry at the worse case scenario that might have happened. God forbid Jaejoong did something stupid in the thirty minutes drive from his house to the apartment!
He turned a corner and hastily walked down the corridor towards the bedroom, before he passed the office and saw Jaejoong’s figure slumped over the desk, papers littered all over. He tsked as he made his way into the room, and called out softly to the man.
“Jaejoongah…”
Jaejoong looked up, eyes swollen and Junsu immediately saw damp spots on the papers Jaejoong had slept on. He doubted it was from drool, since the man’s mouth showed no sign of that. Only one possible reason could explain the wetness - Jaejoong had been crying.
“Junsuya…what are you…doing here? Where’s Jinjoo and Yoochun?”, Jaejoong asked confusedly, rubbing the sleep out of his face. He straightened out in his working chair, and Junsu heard the bones popped and he could guess how sore Jaejoong felt at the moment.
“I came alone. Changmin called home not long ago asking for Chun but he was out for his book-signing event, and he took Jinjoo with him because he wanted to tag along. I asked Changmin what’s the matter since he sounded a bit out of sorts, and he told me about you and Yunho. He said he wanted to ask Chunnie to take a look at you, so I said I’d go in his behalf. The boy’s worried about you, Jae, and he sure has a reason to because you look like a mess…”, Junsu spoke gently, coming around and sidestepping some papers to pull Jaejoong into a hug. Jaejoong let himself be coddled, too tired and just emotionally exhausted to response in other ways.
“Is…Is Yunho okay? Did Min say anything…?”, he asked against Junsu’s chest, his voice a bit muffled by the tight embrace. Junsu patted his hair soothingly and nodded, pulling away to look at Jaejoong in the eyes.
“Min said Yunho’s a mess too. He got himself drunk last night and now he’s suffering from a terrible hangover. How long has you been sleeping?”
“What time is it now?”
“Almost eight at night.”
“Ah I’ve slept for some time then…”
Junsu sighed, before he gave Jaejoong a sympathetic smile, “You should probably shower then, Jae. I’ll cook something, I’m sure you haven’t had anything to eat since last night.”
Jaejoong nodded as he pushed himself up, staggering as he stood up. Junsu held his arm to steady him, and they both made their way out of the chaos of his office towards the bedroom. Jaejoong’s heart clenched at the sight of the slightly rumpled bed, Yunho had been rushing to go out to the employment office yesterday that he forgone the usual routine. The bed looked cold and lonely without its usual occupants, and Jaejoong realized it had been long since he slept with Yunho on that very bed, as he often fell asleep in his office.
He closed his eyes and let Junsu led him to the bathroom, not wanting to see more evidence of Yunho’s existence in the house while knowing that last night was probably the last time he’s going to see Yunho in this room. Junsu asked him if he can shower on his own and he just nodded weakly, giving Junsu a half-assuring smile.
Jaejoong stood in front of the bathroom counter and gasped as he looked at himself. He almost couldn’t recognize the haggard man that was looking back at him. There were black circles under his tear-swollen eyes and his skin looked deathly pale, his lips cracked and his wrinkles more apparent than ever. It seemed like the years had caught up to him in the short time he forgot to take good care of himself, too busy with study and work to even give a second glance at his own appearance. So this is the me Yunho had been seeing for weeks… Jaejoong thought forlornly as he touched his sunken cheeks. He couldn’t even blame Yunho for falling out of love if he looked like this, almost like a ghost that was just waiting to pass on to the next world.
He reached for his toothbrush, and in his daze he mistakenly took Yunho’s. Holding the green plastic brush in his hand, he stared at it and cried silently, wanting so much to undo his mistake. He wasn’t aware that he was neglecting himself and Yunho in his professional pursue. All he wanted was for a good, undisturbed Christmas holiday - one that Yunho never had the chance to experience before because of the trouble and struggle of his past. Instead of making it worry-free and full of joy, Jaejoong realized he had achieved quite the opposite. Yunho felt lonely and unloved because he was so stupid to take on more than he could possibly handle.
However, Jaejoong couldn’t forget the uncalled-for accusation...he felt he was wronged somehow because of that. Jaejoong was aware that Yunho is young and hot-blooded, his mood easily tempered by anything that happen, but isn’t he worth Yunho’s patience and more? Yunho knew he doesn’t love Yoochun in that way anymore, they are best friends now and Jaejoong is certain there are no romantic feelings attached between the two of them. Of course they shared the bittersweet memories of their loving, wedded days - but it’s in the past and those should have belonged in the past. Jaejoong never had the intention to open up the box of history and let those memories take reign again, he has Yunho, Jinjoo and Changmin and Yoochun has Junsu and all of them are like one big family now. Yunho’s allegation rocked the balance and harmony they have achieved these past months, and that made Jaejoong feel so disappointed, just so very frustrated.
He turned on the shower, and stepped carefully inside. Letting the warm water spilled over his skin, he cried his pain away, knowing he would have to do something if he wants to keep his relationship with Yunho alive.
The smell of spicy fish stew assaulted his senses when Jaejoong stepped out of the room all dressed and freshly showered. Junsu stood in front of the stove, Jaejoong’s black apron tied around his petite waist as he ladled the boiling concoction, only tilting his head a bit to greet Jaejoong as he walked into the kitchen.
“The rice is still cooking and this will be ready in a minute. Drink that chamomile tea, it’ll help alleviate your headache and calm your nerves…”, Junsu said smilingly, gesturing to the steaming cup of tea on the kitchen island. Jaejoong smiled back as best as he can, sitting on the high-raised stool and watching Junsu moved about his kitchen like it was his own.
“Yoochun is lucky to have you…”, he suddenly said, genuine words uttered without much thought. Junsu chuckled and turned around, leaning against the counter as he looked at Jaejoong.
“Tell that to Yoochun, please, ‘cause he seems to forget it sometimes…”, he said jokingly, before his tone took on a concern tone, “…do you feel better now, Joongie? Want to tell me anything? I can’t promise to give any useful advices, but people say I’m a good listener.”
Jaejoong was the one who chuckled this time, albeit sounding a bit miserable, “Of course you are a good listener, you’re a psychiatrist. People pay you to listen to them.”
Junsu gave him a toothy grin, switching off the stove before coming over to sit on the stool, “But this time it’d be free of charge. I’m going to listen to you as your friend, since this is you, Jaejoongah, and we’re friends, aren’t we? I know you probably feel more comfortable talking to Chunnie than me, but I’ll try to help any way I can…”
Jaejoong cupped the warm mug in between his palm, sniffling as he looked at Junsu.
“I don’t know if Changmin told you about it already or not, but Yunho said something last night…something that I think he shouldn’t have said since the implication is…too huge.”
“Min did say something about Yunho mentioning Chunnie’s name…”
“He accused me of still having a feeling for Chun, which of course, I don’t.”, Junsu nodded, giving a soft smile as an encouragement, “I don’t know what makes him think that way. It’s just too much, Su, I’ve already had so many things going on for me and I can’t handle his distrust with everything else.”
Jaejoong sighed despondently, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he continued, “I’m tired, Su…I’m tired of trying to make ends meet. I don’t know how you and Chunnie do it but I can’t juggle work and love at the same time. I can’t focus on work without neglecting Yunho, and I can’t focus on Yunho without sacrificing my work. It’s like I’m forced to choose between two things I love, and it’s impossible to pick either one because those two things are interrelated. I have to perform in work and studies, and at the same time I have to make sure Yunho feel loved as well. I…I’m at my lowest point right now…I just feel emotionally exhausted, Suya…”
Junsu nodded, listening carefully and taking mind notes about the situation. They had been friends for more than three years now, and had known each other longer. People might think it’s weird for the two to be such good friends, since Jaejoong was once married to Yoochun and Yoochun is now Junsu’s spouse. Fortunately for them the awkwardness that was evident at the start of their acquaintance had long gone, replaced by shared concern and care for one another.
“You’ve talked about this with Yunho?”, Junsu asked softly. Jaejoong shook his head, before sipping the hot tea slowly.
“I don’t want to burden him, Suya, he already is bothered by his school placement…If I talk to him about this, wouldn’t it make him worry more?”
Junsu smiled, now having a somewhat clear idea of what’s going on. Years of having listened to couples who came to him for relationship therapy gave him a bit of advantage, as he can easily noticed what may have caused the trouble.
“I guess I could understand where Yunho was coming from. Things were hard for him, you say, and things were hard for you too. Both of you haven’t had the time to confirm and reaffirm your love for each other because of all these other issues, and it had put a strain on your relationship.”
“But those thing about Chunnie…he didn’t have to say that! I know he’s worried and all, but isn’t that a bit too much?”
Junsu hummed a little, eyes crinkling as he pondered on a thought, “Not really, to be honest. Jealousy is normal in any relationship, and Yunho was probably just jealous that you and Chunnie are still close like before. Plus, he could have felt a bit disadvantaged because of his current situation, which may have affected his self-esteem. Both you and Chun are highly successful professionals, and who wouldn’t feel a bit intimidated when compared to any of you? He might have entertained some irrational ideas in his envy, but that’s normal, yes?”
Jaejoong looked at Junsu, before he muttered under his breath, “I never compared him to Chun before. If you didn’t feel jealous of me and Chun, so why does he have to?”
Junsu chuckled, his megawatt smile brightening his serious face instantly, “Who says I wasn’t jealous?”
Jaejoong looked up, startled by this remark.
“I was jealous too, you know, and I still do at times. I used to wonder what you and Chunnie talked and laughed about, and I was jealous of the fact that you’re Chunnie’s first and you’ve known him longer…”
“Junsuya, I’m so sorry…I didn’t know you feel that way…”
Junsu shook his head as he patted Jaejoong’s arm, smiling still, “…Forgiven and forgotten. We’re all human, we feel these things because we care about the other person so much. Love is both selfish and selfless, we want to possess and yet we don’t want to tie that person to us without his own free will. I admit I’m jealous of you but all of that are childish thoughts, are they not? I tried not to think of them too much, and after I got to know you, I know you guys aren’t like that anymore. Yoochun loves me and he shows it to me everyday, in simple small ways like calling me first when his book got number one on the weekly book chart, or putting a single stem of flower he picked from our neighbor’s garden without permission on my pillow alongside a cheesy note. I have no reason to doubt him because he gives me none, and even if I’m still jealous when you two are together, I remember that at the end of the day he still comes to my bed and he loves me. Yoochun sincerely cares for you, like good friends would, and I understand why he does because I care for you too, Joongie. I like how you keep Yoochun in check when I couldn’t get into his dreamy, sappy head, and I appreciate the fact that we could still be friends despite our circumstances. Yunho probably hasn’t seen beyond that, to be fair he just got to know us for a few months and Chunnie could be such a clingy brat with you sometimes.”
Jaejoong felt his eyes teared up, genuinely touched by Junsu’s heartfelt words, “So what should I do now? He ran out of the apartment and didn’t come back. He ran from me, Su. I don’t know if he still feels the same way about me now…”
“Just think of it this way, Jaejoong. He probably didn’t want to hurt you more than he already has. A short time off could be good for couples, and you should use this time well to reflect on certain aspect of your relationship and think of ways to improve that. Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship afloat, you have to keep working on together to ensure both of your needs are satisfied and fulfilled. Stop trying to shoulder all responsibilities, Joongie, Yunho is more than capable to understand and share some of your burden although he’s much younger than you are. I know you still love him, Jae, and he loves you too. People hurt the ones they love more often that they hurt their enemies.”
Jaejoong bit his lower lips, listening like a naughty boy who had been called by the headmaster for fighting with his classmate. The rice-cooker beeped and Junsu quickly turned to scoop some rice out into a bowl he had prepared. He then proceeded to the stove and ladled the hot stew into another bowl, before bringing both steaming bowls to Jaejoong.
“I’m not as good a cook as you are, but I hope it’s edible. I put extra hot pepper paste in there, I know you like your stew inhumanely spicy.”, Junsu teased, propping his elbows on the kitchen island and smiling.
“Thank you so much, Junsuya...for coming here, cooking me food and knocking some sense into me. I guess Yunho wasn’t the only one who couldn’t see past himself, I do too without realizing. No one is really at fault at this, but both of us are to blame for letting this got to us and bit us in the back. Thank you, I think I know what I should do now.”
--[ click here for part ii]