I was offered acid at a party the other night. I now realize this says more about the way I dress than anything else ( Read more... )

My friend and coworker, Bruce, died today. After a lifelong battle with Chron’s disease, a lifetime of intestinal surgeries, hepatitis-C and a recent battle with an unfathomably rare blood infection, he died of Stage IV cancer of the everything. He never bitched. He never complained ( Read more... )

I went to grad school with a girl who danced like an airplane. It did not matter what sort of song was playing in what sort of bar nor what sort of or how many people were there (just she and I or three hundred), she danced like a goddamn airplane. Amusing and charming in it's own fucktarded way at first, it annoyed me greatly after a while and I ( Read more... )

The following is true in every way that matters ( Read more... )

Two things happen when you die, you shit yourself and your soul flies up to heaven ( Read more... )

Things are going quite spiffy for your humble narrator ( Read more... )

I've pondered immortality a lot lately. For a narcissist, this is not uncommon in the least. For a narcissist with arthritis and the body shape of a pregnant gorilla, this is an everyday occurrence ( Read more... )

I'm in New Orleans at an Irish bar watching The Saints lose and not giving a fuck about football. This seems to confuse everyone as football is a religion in The South. I remain an infidel in all environs.

This trip has been a clusterfuck from the get-goddamn-go but on the bright side I did learn that nothing gets me rock hard like rock bottom.

My whole life, old ladies have told me two things and they've told me these two things ad fucking nauseum. Given my fear/hatred of old people these two things have stuck with me and managed to flutter about my giant skull for most of my goddamn life ( Read more... )

Recently as part of Project Evolutionary Dead End, I had to bring a semen sample to a doctor's office for analysis. There was a new woman working the desk and when I told her that I had a cup of semen in the paper bag in my hand, she seemed confused. A nurse took over for her and told me to have a seat, fill out some paperwork and someone would get ( Read more... )