Where I Stood - Chapter Six: Collide [Skins; Naomi/Emily] - Part One
Title: Where I Stood (8/8)
Chapter: Collide
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy/JJ
Rating: R
Word Count: 23,021
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Where I Stood - Chapter Two: Wait It Out
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #1: Nineteen
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part One)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part Two)
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AN: - Just a MASSIVE THANKS to all of you that have followed, read and commented on this. It's been a blast to write and hear what you've all thought :)
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Chapter Six: Collide //Out of the doubt that fills my mind. I somehow find you and I collide.\\
The Fitch house looks exactly the same as she remembers.
It’s not surprising really, that Naomi still feels anxious when it finally comes into view, as if seeing it has launched her back several years and left her working up the courage to stop being a twat long enough to just ring the doorbell and tell Emily that she’s sorry for whatever insensitive and idiotic crime she’s committed this time.
It never was easy, approaching the place where Emily called home- even after Emily had made the Fitch’s aware of their relationship, if anything Naomi remembers it being worse, especially those times when she’d had to sit opposite Jenna Fitch (after already being told once before to disappear) and have to suffer under her disgusted and relentless glare at some piss-poor attempt at a civilised dinner.
Naomi wonders what the consequences will be this time, when she finally announces her arrival, thinks that if her luck is anything to go by, it will be Jenna who will answer the door with that devilishly fierce look washing over her face, her lip snarling upwards and her eyes narrowing in on her. Wonders just how much gun-fire will be shot in her direction this time, when Jenna realises the reason Emily is still in Bristol is because of her, because of them and what they’ve fallen back into.
She suspects it’ll sting like a bitch, that first slap Jenna will surely deliver to her face when she confesses to being the reason behind Emily’s breakup to Rachel, when she confesses to being there to finally, and rightfully claim Emily back as hers.
But none of it matters, not if she can see Emily- hold her, tell her she loves her and make everything right, no, none of it matters if they’re together.
It’s almost comical how she still breathes in deeply and finds her hand shaking when she lifts her finger to press the doorbell, but it’s not like it was before, she feels focused this time, determined not to let this chance- to let Emily, slip away from her again.
The wait is suffocating; each chirp of a bird, each ruffling of the trees in the wind amplifies the nervous fluttering in Naomi’s stomach and leaves her heart beating rapidly with anticipation. It feels like she stares at the door forever trying to listen for any footsteps- only it seems eerily still, doesn’t seem like there’s any movement locked away inside and it leaves Naomi feeling horribly disappointed, as if her grand plan has crashed down before it could ever really take off.
“You looking for any Fitch in particular?” Naomi stiffens at the gruff, but always cheery voice, and turns slowly to see Rob staring at her; his eyes blinking rapidly as he sees her face.
“Hello Mr Fitch, long time no see, huh?” She replies awkwardly.
There’s bafflement evident in his voice when he says, “Naomi, this is certainly a surprise; last I heard you’d gone off to some fancy university in London.” Naomi almost looks away from him then, as if there’s accusation to his words, but then he smiles and says, “What are you doing here?”
Naomi falters at the question, doesn’t quite know what she’s supposed to say and ends up settling for a simple version of the truth. “I was hoping Emily would be here.”
Rob shakes his head with a grin. “Ah that’s right, it was your mum’s wedding wasn’t it? Emsy said she and Rachel were coming down for it.” He pauses and scratches at his head, “I’m sure they’ve headed back to London by now though.”
She thinks momentarily about telling him the truth, telling him everything that’s happened but it doesn’t seem right to interfere with Emily’s family, to tell them Emily’s secrets when she’s never really been considered part of their inner circle.
Instead she plasters a smile across her face and says, “Maybe you wouldn’t mind giving me Katie’s address? It’s been far too long since I last saw her.” Rob looks at her a little curiously and Naomi hopes he’s forgotten how much Katie used to openly loathe her, hope he buys her lie and makes this easy for her.
“I’m sure our Katiekins would love that, she’s always saying she misses her friends from college. Not that Stonem girl mind you, battered her up badly, which is surprising giving how weedy she looked in the photos I saw of her. She could have done with a few hours in a gym...” Naomi nods her head in agreement as Rob trails off and tries not to snigger at his description of Effy. “Come inside a minute, love. I’ll write it down for you.”
Naomi takes a breath and follows him into the house she knows both far too well and far too little, and hopes that maybe, one day, it’ll feel more like a place she can consider as somewhere where’s invited with welcoming arms.
-----
Odd, is the first thing to come to mind when Naomi reaches Katie’s house, and it’s that sentiment alone that she finds unusual to begin with, that Katie, the thoughtless girl who caused her nothing but hell for years on end, has her own, and what appears to be completely normal looking house.
And it’s a little stupid, Naomi thinks, because of course Katie has her own home now and isn’t living tucked away in some kind of evil lair decorated in leopard print and cheap, tacky fake jewellery. It makes Naomi roll her eyes at herself, because surely Katie’s changed as much as she has, as much as they all have, and well, it’s the least Naomi can hope for as she approaches the door.
She doesn’t think when she reaches out and presses the doorbell, thinks it’s probably for the best if she goes up against Katie a little unprepared, because she never could be sure what would come spewing out of Katie’s mouth, and if Emily’s let on that Naomi’s partly to blame for why she unexpectedly turned up on her sister’s doorstep, then Naomi’s pretty certain that Katie will have something to say about it and she can almost guarantee that it won’t be friendly.
“You looking for Katie Fitch?” Naomi turns to see a little old lady with a warm smile poking her head out of the door belonging to the house next to Katie’s and nods her head. The lady smiles and says, “You’ve missed her, took off around 8.a.m. to leave for work-- lovely, hard working girl... anyway she won’t be back until this evening, although I do believe she has a house guest at the moment, twin sister, I think.”
Naomi nods her head, “She’s the one I’m here to see actually. Do you know if Emily will be back soon?”
The old lady purses her lips together in thought and after a long moment replies, “She also left first thing this morning, was carrying a large shovel... seems like a strange girl, that one.” Naomi frowns at the response, doesn’t understand why Emily would ever be carrying a shovel anywhere.
She realises she’s being rude when she still feels the old ladies eyes on her and forces a smile in her direction. “Thanks for your help.”
It isn’t until she’s almost back at her mum’s that Naomi considers the possibility of all of the places Emily might have gone, comes up with one answer that seems certain and changes her course to head in the direction where it all really began for them.
-----
Naomi’s always surprised by how each and every time she goes back there, to the lake-- to their lake, just how much if fills her with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia of that very first time Emily had taken her there.
She always remembers the good parts first, the moments where Emily really stopped being someone so shy and tentative and finally became her own person- just Emily without the baggage that usually followed of ‘the shy twin’ ‘the loser twin’ ‘Katie’s sister’ and where Naomi really saw her for the first time; eyes finally opened to the real Emily and not just the facade she’d hidden behind for all those years.
And it had been shocking at the time, shocking and lovely- Emily had been lovely, and it’s something that Naomi would have denied down to the bone if someone had asked her at the time it happened, but she knows now, she can admit it without that dreaded feeling of suffocating, that that first night she spent with Emily had been amazing.
That’s part of the reason why it still hurts, more so now, knowing that she’d woken up with Emily snuggled into her body and breathing warmly out against her neck, and instinctively felt so sick, so terrified that she’d recoiled away from Emily as quickly and quietly as possible to make her escape without a second thought of what damage it may cause to the girl she was leaving behind.
Ashamed, Naomi remembers clearly, was exactly how she’d felt as Emily caught her running away, and it’s still painful to have to add ‘again’ to that sentence. But in the morning light it had made Naomi resent Emily so much just for making her feel- for opening her up, for exposing her and allowing Naomi to share part of herself that she wasn’t all that ready to share- that Naomi was selfish and cruel and continued on walking even after Emily begged her to stay; her voice breaking as she pleaded with Naomi to stay.
It seems stupid now, the amount of time she spent fighting against Emily and all that she made her feel, because in truth it had been inevitable, always a losing battle, and Naomi had known that deep down, but that hadn’t meant that it made it any easier to digest or to accept.
It feels pointless to waste away more time now, wondering what could have been had she just been willing and ready to want, to need, when her eyes stumble over the torn up earth, the messy piles of mud scattered over ground that had once been as beautiful and untouched as the rest of the place.
Naomi feels her chest restricting tightly, the air in her lungs squeezed forcefully out of her body when she gets close enough to see the owner of the destruction. Looks down to see Emily’s fragile and broken form practically curled up inside the deep muddy hole and watches as Emily’s red, puffy eyes raise up to meet her own.
She feels the words catch in her throat, doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say in this moment to take all of the pain away, to fix everything that she’s obviously broken, and so she swallows down hard against the lump in her throat and manages, “Rachel came to see me.” Emily doesn’t respond, just looks away from her and sniffles brokenly and Naomi reels with the notion that she’s not getting this right, that she’s already undoing them more than necessary; wants so desperately to see Emily smile that she tries to lighten the mood and adds, “What’s with the hole? It looks like a bomb has gone off down here.”
Emily does look at her then, pierces Naomi with cold eyes and wryly replies, “It was time that we cut the ties to the past, don’t you think?”
It stings more than anything she’s been made to feel since Emily walked back into her life, so much so that it makes Naomi’s breath catch in her throat at just how defeated it sounds falling from Emily’s mouth, that no matter how hard they’ve tried they’ve still crashed and burned.
Only they haven’t, and Naomi can’t believe that, won’t. Finds her voice thick with emotion when she asks, “You really believe that?”
Emily doesn’t say a word, and Naomi can tell just by the way that she purses her lips together, by the way her brown eyes narrow incredulously that Emily’s utterly conflicted by it all, probably doesn’t know where she’s supposed to even start in this disastrous mess they’ve created for themselves.
Naomi allows her that moment of silence, uses it to move in closer to Emily, sliding down into the side of the hole opposite her, and takes the opportunity to trail her eyes over every inch of Emily’s body, only stopping when she catches sight of her hands; covered in a mixture of dirt and blood which make Naomi reach out for her instinctively.
But Emily becomes alert as Naomi shifts and pulls her hands away from Naomi before she gets the chance to touch her; her knees drawing up tighter to her chest as if to protect herself further from Naomi’s advances as she growls, “Don’t, okay? Don’t you dare try and comfort me.”
Naomi feels her eyes burning with tears and reaches out for her again desperately, achingly, when she whispers, “Please, Emily.”
Her attempt only causes to make something in Emily’s eyes flicker angrily, her voice flooding with rage and hurt as she shoves Naomi’s hands away with a, “No, Naomi. This doesn’t mean we can just be together. You have no idea what you’ve done; Rachel’s a great woman, who loves me, who was there for me when you weren’t, and we-- I hurt her. I betrayed her.” Naomi can only watch then as Emily’s eyes fill with tears that escape easily down her cheeks, her voice coming out as a horse whisper when she continues, “Jesus, how could I do that to her.”
It ends with Emily releasing a wracking sob that undoes Naomi completely, leaves her feeling guilty and pained and helpless all at once, that all she can think to do is reach out to try and touch Emily, to comfort her in any way that she can, to take away some of the blame that is crushing Emily so unbearably in front of her very eyes.
“Em, sweetheart, don’t cry. Everything will be all right; we’ll work it out, okay? I promise,” Naomi murmurs frantically, soothing her hands up and down Emily’s arms in an attempt just to keep her grounded, to stop her slipping away from her completely.
But it doesn’t work, Emily pushes her away again, more urgently this time and snarls, “Get off me.” as she pushes herself to her feet and climbs out of the hole and away from Naomi as quickly as she can.
Naomi doesn’t even have to think this time, finds that her feet respond automatically and lead her after Emily without wasting a second. She moves swiftly, catches Emily by the arm and forces her to turn and face her as she begs, “Emily wait--”
“No,” Emily snaps cutting her off and drawing her arm back. “She may be right, and I may love you, but it doesn’t make this,” Naomi watches as Emily gestures wildly between them as she adds, “Us, right. It never has. You didn’t want me when you had me, and now I can’t.”
Naomi can’t control the way her eyes well up at what Emily’s saying, because nothing about this moment is right, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way and she doesn’t know how to explain that she had wanted Emily back when she had her but she just hadn’t known how. And now they’ve let it get so messed up, more than it ever was that they’re breaking each other down all over again.
Naomi’s not sure she can survive watching them collapse this time round and so she breathes out a whimpered, “Ems...” and tries to reach for her hand again, tries to beg her with her eyes, to make her see that they can do this if they just try, if Emily lets her.
But Emily doesn’t let her, just dodges her grasp and shakes her head in defeat. “No, this changes everything between us again, Naomi.”
“Don’t say that.” Naomi chokes out, crying now. “I know we’ll work it out.”
Emily bites at her lip and looks away from her, and it leaves Naomi feeling so lost and powerless that she feels her chest tightening up rapidly. Emily’s eyes are back on hers after a second, and she looks so drained, and so worn down by it all when she says honestly, “But what if I’m not sure that I can.”
Naomi feels her breath lodging in the back of her throat as Emily drags her eyes away from her and begins to walk away. It feels a lot like re-living the past, only Emily’s the one who gets to decide this time, she’s the one who can chose to walk away and let it all go. Naomi’s the one left trapped by all that they are and all that they can be.
It’s only when she sees the distance Emily’s putting between them that she manages to find her voice again, her words turning frantic and breaking as she calls out after her. “Emily, please don’t walk away. I love you and I know you love me. Don’t leave me here, be brave and stay with me.”
But Emily doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn back around to face her; just keeps on walking. And it’s only when Emily’s fully out of her sight that Naomi breaks down and cries, wonders if she caused Emily the same amount of pain back when she left her behind that very first time.
-----
It’s getting dark by the time she gets home- and Naomi wonders briefly is she’ll always think of this house as home even though she hasn’t lived there for years- but then her mum appears in the kitchen doorway and offers her a tentative smile as she looks Naomi over, beckoning her further into the house until Naomi’s close enough that her mum can pull her in for a much needed hug.
“You’re bloody freezing, love.” Gina pulls back and taps her gently on the cheek, “Come on, I’ll put the kettle on.”
Naomi’s thankful then, that she isn’t immediately bombarded with questions, likes how her mother’s caught on to the times when she really just needs to give Naomi a moment of silence to try and pull all of her thoughts together.
They drink their coffee together silently and only when Naomi’s finished does she look up at her mum and say, “I’m in love with Emily.”
And her mum laughs then, actually looks at her with a smile and replies, “About time you caught up on that one, darling. I was starting to worry that I’d dropped you too many times as a child and left you with permanent brain damage.”
Naomi rolls her eyes and tries to smile but finds that she can’t, not with everything that’s still preventing her from being happy and lets out an exasperated sigh.“I don’t know how to fix it mum, I-- she loves me, I know she does but she doesn’t trust me,” she lets out a snort, because when exactly did she ever give Emily the chance to trust her and when she sees the question on her mum’s face a second later, she adds, “Rachel’s ended things with her.”
Gina nods her head in understanding. “Well, I take it you’re here to finally get her back then?”
“Yes...” Naomi swallows down the lump in her throat and averts her eyes. “Except she doesn’t want to be with me, says she can’t; not now I’ve fucked up her life again.”
“Naomi, don’t be a twat.” It makes Naomi look back at her mother in surprise, her mouth open as if ready to fire back a retort when Gina pierces her with a pointed look. “You’re my daughter, and God knows I love you with all my heart, but you really need to pull your finger out sometimes.”
Naomi blinks for a few long second and says, “What are you talking about mum? I’m fucking here aren’t I?”
Gina shakes her head disbelievingly. “And after everything you’ve just told me, you think that’s enough?”
It makes Naomi balk, catches her so off guard that all she can do is mutter back, “I... fuck’s sake, I’m doing the best I can.”
“No you’re not.” Gina’s eyes soften when she sees Naomi’s shoulders tense up out of nowhere and reaches out to cover her hand. “If you’re serious about this, about really loving Emily this time, you’ll get off your bloody arse and make her trust you. You’ve got to force her to believe, love, otherwise you’ll be proving her right and she’ll never be willing to give you another chance.”
Naomi sighs heavily reaching into her bag for her cigarettes. “And how do I do that exactly? Because clearly I’m not getting this right, am I?”
“I always found that a combination of patience and persistence works well for situations like this.” Gina plucks the cigarette from Naomi’s fingers before she can light it and shakes her head. “You’ve got to remember just how long it’s been Naomi, you’ve both changed a hell of a lot and Emily’s just had her life turned upside down.”
“I wasn’t expecting this to happen either, okay?” Naomi snipes defensively.
“I know that, sweetheart.” Gina replies calmly. “Just let Emily know that you really mean it this time, make sure she’s aware that you’re not going anywhere, prove yourself somehow and then be patient while she deals with everything. If it’s meant to be it’ll be.”
Naomi swallows hard and whispers, “And what if it’s not meant to be?”
Gina doesn’t say anything else for a few long moments, just leans forward and presses a lingering kiss to Naomi’s forehead before adding, “You’ll never know unless you try, Naomi.” and leaving her daughter alone in the kitchen.
Naomi picks up her cigarette and lights it, inhales the smoke deeply and decides that maybe for once in her life she should listen to her mum’s advice. Hopes that trying will be enough this time round and if it isn’t, well, she’ll just have to try even harder.
-----
She doesn’t sleep.
Lays awake and thinks about everything she wants to say. Doesn’t want to give Emily a chance to catch her off guard with questions she’s unprepared for.
Even why she tries to work it out, Naomi still doesn’t know what she’s meant to expect.
-----
It’s almost 9.a.m. by the time she reaches Katie’s house and Naomi feels a wave of nervousness fluttering in her stomach when she catches sight of a silhouette moving past one of the windows. Isn’t sure which of the twins it is but hopes to God that it’s the one she’s here to see and not the one that will surely make this harder for her.
She takes a few deep, steadying breaths and reaches out for the doorbell; listening to the faint ringing she hears echoing throughout the house. It doesn’t take long before she hears a voice calling “just a minute” accompanied by the gentle pitter-patter of hurried feet that leave Naomi steeling herself for the reveal.
Naomi sees the flash of red that appears on the other side of the door and feels relieved that it’s Emily - knows that Katie had changed her hair dark after the whole Effy and the rock incident - but then just as she’s readying herself to say everything she’s come there to, the door remains shut, and Naomi can just make out Emily’s shape through the frosted glass pane, knows that Emily has recognised her too.
She tries to make out Emily’s eyes through the glass and says, “Em, please open the door.” when she realises Emily isn’t going to do so willingly.
Emily’s quiet for a long time and Naomi can almost hear the way she’s breathing deeply, as if Naomi being anywhere near her has sucked away all of the air and left them both to stifle in the thickness of their surroundings, in the thickness of them.
“How did you find me?”
It’s a barely audible question and yet Naomi is so focused, so in-tune to everything that is happening, she hears it easily, wouldn’t be foolish enough to not be alert to everything that is going on. “I went to your old house. Spoke to your dad.”
“You did what?” Emily’s voice is clearer now, louder and edgier, a little angry. “You had no right to tell him about anything that’s going on; they’re my family, Naomi.”
And of course Emily expected her to have gone in with guns blazing, running her mouth off like she would have at age sixteen, all headstrong and over-opinionated. But things have changed, she’s changed, and maybe that’s part of the problem, their miscommunication on the things that are present and no longer the same.
“I didn’t say a word, Ems. I promise. I just asked him if you were there and when he said no I asked for Katie’s address, but that’s all, okay?” Naomi explains desperately and raises her hand up to press against the glass when she adds, “Please open the door. I need to see you.”
She hears Emily sigh in response. “I can’t. Please just go back to London, Naomi. I said all that I had to say to you yesterday so don’t make this harder.”
It hurts more than a little, to know that Emily won’t even try, won’t even hear what she has to say, doesn’t appear to want to, and yet Naomi feels a rush of determination, of hope that things will-- can be different if they both just try, that she refuses to back down.
“Sorry, Em, but I can’t do that.” Naomi bobs down and tries to peer through the letterbox, can only just make out Emily’s legs when she adds, “I can’t leave, not while you’re still here. I meant what I said that night, I love you and I’m not going anywhere this time. So please just open the door so we can talk about this properly.”
It goes quiet again, and Naomi can hear a faint knock, imagines that Emily’s allowed herself to sink back against the wall to support herself, and there’s something about that image that makes Naomi ache, just picturing Emily struggling against it all and still not letting herself take Naomi’s hand.
“There’s nothing left to say Naomi, you’re wasting your time. Just go, all right. I don’t want to speak to you,” Emily breathes out.
Naomi closes her eyes for a second, tries to gather her thoughts, and opens them again to see Emily’s figure disappear down the hallway without another word. She can’t help but momentarily feel like she’s trying to fight a lost cause, a cause that Emily seemingly wants her to give up on; doesn’t want Naomi to fight for her. But just as quickly as that thought comes, she hears her mum’s voice echoing in her head and reminding her that she can’t just give up, that she’s got to make more of an effort this time if she’s ever to convince Emily they can work this out together.
It sticks.
And so she pushes the letterbox back open and calls, “I’ll stay out here all day if I have to, Emily, but I’m not leaving you; not now, not ever,” and feels better for saying it even if Emily doesn’t want to hear it. At least one of them is starting to believe in her now, and Naomi can’t think of a better person to start with than herself.
Emily’s doesn’t reply at all and so Naomi lets herself sink down outside the door just like she’d done before all that time ago and hopes that eventually Emily will be just as willing to spend the night holding her hand through a cat-flap as she had been back then; hopes that not everything has changed as drastically as it might have.
-----
It starts raining in the afternoon, cold, windy, torrential rain that makes Naomi unable to stop shivering and yet she doesn’t attempt to move, stays leaning against the door in the hopes that Emily will eventually cave in and speak to her.
The house has been horribly quiet for a long time, and Naomi almost craves just to hear the sound of Emily’s footsteps so that she can somehow feel closer to her than she currently does. But Emily doesn’t give in, doesn’t come to her rescue this time and offer out a second chance with arms wide open and it comes as a harsh blow to Naomi when she realises that perhaps Emily won’t give in this time at all, that maybe things really have changed more than she expected them to have.
It’s only when the sun starts to disappear behind the clouds and her fingers start turning blue from the cold, that Naomi relinquishes this first round, let’s Emily have this fight when she concludes that it just isn’t going to happen as easily as she’d hoped for. Knows she’ll have to come up with something better for tomorrow, the battle nowhere near over.
She’s blinded by car lights as she pushes herself to her feet and it’s only when the engine and lights switch off that her vision adjusts to see Katie looking at her with a mixture of shock and curiosity.
Katie is out of the car and standing in front of her - dressed smartly is a gray dress and carrying a large folder - in no time, and it’s so surprising to see Katie looking anything but a cheap tart that it causes Naomi to miss Katie’s first question all together.
Finds herself blinking rapidly and muttering a pathetic, “What?” when Katie glares at her and says her name for a second time with a growl and draws her attention back to the moment.
“Fuck’s sake Naomi.” Katie says, shoving past her and getting her keys out of her bag. “I said what the hell are you doing standing outside of my door looking like a drowned bloody rat?”
Naomi thinks about telling her to mind her own fucking business, but then she remembers that getting into a petty argument with Katie will do her no favours in getting Emily to talk to her, and so she wipes some of the rain out of her eyes and says instead, “Emily wouldn’t open the door.” as if that explains everything.
Katie’s managed to open the door and step inside by the time Naomi’s answered and she looks back over her shoulder as they both hear Emily calling out, “Kay, is that you? Has she gone yet?” before looking at Naomi pityingly and saying, “You should go home Naomi.”
Naomi shakes her head, her voice pleading when she replies, “I need to see her, Katie.”
There’s the ruffling sound of a few more footsteps behind Katie a second later and Naomi catches a glimpse of Emily descending down the stairs, feels her breath catch when their eyes meet for just a second before Emily has disappeared out of sight again.
She doesn’t get a chance to say anything else as Katie starts shaking her head and pushing the door closed when she sees Naomi taking a step closer, as if Naomi’s ready to just barge her way in. “I mean it Naomi, go home. You’ve obviously caused enough damage for today.”
Naomi can’t react then, when she’s overrun with memories of Katie saying exactly the same thing to her all those years ago whenever she’d proved to be a dick and sent Emily running away from her in tears.
She just watches Katie close the door on her face and has to bite down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying, hopes the deafening sound of the door closing isn’t a symbol that Emily is shutting her out of her life for good.
-----
It feels a lot like the start of a routine when she can’t shut her mind off and go to sleep, feels like she’s trapped by all of her past mistakes, as if they’re falling in on her and forcing her to choke and suffocate on her own regrets.
-----
Naomi’s jarred from her dozing early the next morning by her mobile, the murmuring sound of her phone vibrating loudly on the wooden bedside table leaving her scrambling out blindly to answer the call.
She answers with a gruff, “Hello,” her voice dry and hoarse from lack of sleep and moisture.
It’s silent on the other end for a long moment and Naomi repeats herself twice more before she hears a hesitant, “I’ll meet with you, okay?”
She sits up quickly then, making herself dizzy and rubs at her eyes before pulling the phone away from her ear and reading “Emily” on the screen; has to fight to keep the disbelief out of her voice when she replies, “Where?”
“The Starbucks in Bristol Arcade at 1.30.p.m. Don’t be late, yeah?”
“I’ll be there.” Naomi answers back quickly and listens as the line goes dead a second later.
-----
The first thing that Naomi thinks when she gets to the coffee shop - and starts scouting through the groups of people for Emily’s unmistakable red hair - is that there’s no fucking way she’s stupid enough to have fallen for this twice.
Only she must be, because there’s no sign of Emily anywhere, only Katie, sitting off in a corner on her own and staring at Naomi the second she walks through the door. It makes Naomi think about turning straight around and leaving, doesn’t see the point in suffering another one of Katie “she’s mine, bitch” warnings, but then Katie raises her hand and waves her over with a soft smile that immediately sets Naomi on edge.
“Was that you on the phone?” She asks when she gets close enough.
Katie smirks back at her in the way that only Katie Fitch can do and it almost makes Naomi’s stomach knot when she cockily replies, “She shouldn’t leave it lying around.” Naomi opens her mouth to reply but comes up empty, doesn’t understand how Katie can turn this into some kind of sick game again. But then Katie rolls her eyes and lets out an amused sigh, “Jesus Christ, Campbell, your face. I’m fucking messing with you, yeah?”
“Clearly,” Naomi replies snidely, still unimpressed.
“Would you, like, stop being a twat and sit down? I’m trying to help here, you dozy cow.”
Naomi reluctantly takes the seat opposite Katie and glares over at her. “How exactly is you faking to be Emily, again, helping me?”
“Look, Naomi, don’t be a cunt already, yeah?” Katie says not entirely unkindly. “If you’d just shut up and listen to what I have to say--” Naomi rolls her eyes and Katie purses her lips together before continuing, “Believe it or not, I’m not out to get you. I’m not that person anymore. Surely you can understand that people change, right?”
Naomi averts her eyes, suddenly feeling embarrassed by her childish reactions, mumbles, “Yeah I can... sorry.”
“Forgiven,” Katie replies easily and it makes Naomi feel even more like a twat that Katie hasn’t laced the word with hatred or sarcasm, just sincerity. Katie must sense her surprise because she rolls her eyes again and says, “Are you going to order a coffee and relax now that you know I’m not going to bite your head off, or are you just going to sit there looking like a gormless tit?”
It’s the first thing to make Naomi smile in hours and she doesn’t know whether to offer Katie a genuine ‘thank you’ or to leave their new and still strange, balance alone. In the end she chooses to say nothing and follows Katie’s order to get herself a drink.
-----
Where I Stood - Chapter Six: Collide (Part Two)
Chapter: Collide
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy/JJ
Rating: R
Word Count: 23,021
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Where I Stood - Chapter Two: Wait It Out
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #1: Nineteen
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part One)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part Two)
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AN: - Just a MASSIVE THANKS to all of you that have followed, read and commented on this. It's been a blast to write and hear what you've all thought :)
-----
Chapter Six: Collide //Out of the doubt that fills my mind. I somehow find you and I collide.\\
The Fitch house looks exactly the same as she remembers.
It’s not surprising really, that Naomi still feels anxious when it finally comes into view, as if seeing it has launched her back several years and left her working up the courage to stop being a twat long enough to just ring the doorbell and tell Emily that she’s sorry for whatever insensitive and idiotic crime she’s committed this time.
It never was easy, approaching the place where Emily called home- even after Emily had made the Fitch’s aware of their relationship, if anything Naomi remembers it being worse, especially those times when she’d had to sit opposite Jenna Fitch (after already being told once before to disappear) and have to suffer under her disgusted and relentless glare at some piss-poor attempt at a civilised dinner.
Naomi wonders what the consequences will be this time, when she finally announces her arrival, thinks that if her luck is anything to go by, it will be Jenna who will answer the door with that devilishly fierce look washing over her face, her lip snarling upwards and her eyes narrowing in on her. Wonders just how much gun-fire will be shot in her direction this time, when Jenna realises the reason Emily is still in Bristol is because of her, because of them and what they’ve fallen back into.
She suspects it’ll sting like a bitch, that first slap Jenna will surely deliver to her face when she confesses to being the reason behind Emily’s breakup to Rachel, when she confesses to being there to finally, and rightfully claim Emily back as hers.
But none of it matters, not if she can see Emily- hold her, tell her she loves her and make everything right, no, none of it matters if they’re together.
It’s almost comical how she still breathes in deeply and finds her hand shaking when she lifts her finger to press the doorbell, but it’s not like it was before, she feels focused this time, determined not to let this chance- to let Emily, slip away from her again.
The wait is suffocating; each chirp of a bird, each ruffling of the trees in the wind amplifies the nervous fluttering in Naomi’s stomach and leaves her heart beating rapidly with anticipation. It feels like she stares at the door forever trying to listen for any footsteps- only it seems eerily still, doesn’t seem like there’s any movement locked away inside and it leaves Naomi feeling horribly disappointed, as if her grand plan has crashed down before it could ever really take off.
“You looking for any Fitch in particular?” Naomi stiffens at the gruff, but always cheery voice, and turns slowly to see Rob staring at her; his eyes blinking rapidly as he sees her face.
“Hello Mr Fitch, long time no see, huh?” She replies awkwardly.
There’s bafflement evident in his voice when he says, “Naomi, this is certainly a surprise; last I heard you’d gone off to some fancy university in London.” Naomi almost looks away from him then, as if there’s accusation to his words, but then he smiles and says, “What are you doing here?”
Naomi falters at the question, doesn’t quite know what she’s supposed to say and ends up settling for a simple version of the truth. “I was hoping Emily would be here.”
Rob shakes his head with a grin. “Ah that’s right, it was your mum’s wedding wasn’t it? Emsy said she and Rachel were coming down for it.” He pauses and scratches at his head, “I’m sure they’ve headed back to London by now though.”
She thinks momentarily about telling him the truth, telling him everything that’s happened but it doesn’t seem right to interfere with Emily’s family, to tell them Emily’s secrets when she’s never really been considered part of their inner circle.
Instead she plasters a smile across her face and says, “Maybe you wouldn’t mind giving me Katie’s address? It’s been far too long since I last saw her.” Rob looks at her a little curiously and Naomi hopes he’s forgotten how much Katie used to openly loathe her, hope he buys her lie and makes this easy for her.
“I’m sure our Katiekins would love that, she’s always saying she misses her friends from college. Not that Stonem girl mind you, battered her up badly, which is surprising giving how weedy she looked in the photos I saw of her. She could have done with a few hours in a gym...” Naomi nods her head in agreement as Rob trails off and tries not to snigger at his description of Effy. “Come inside a minute, love. I’ll write it down for you.”
Naomi takes a breath and follows him into the house she knows both far too well and far too little, and hopes that maybe, one day, it’ll feel more like a place she can consider as somewhere where’s invited with welcoming arms.
-----
Odd, is the first thing to come to mind when Naomi reaches Katie’s house, and it’s that sentiment alone that she finds unusual to begin with, that Katie, the thoughtless girl who caused her nothing but hell for years on end, has her own, and what appears to be completely normal looking house.
And it’s a little stupid, Naomi thinks, because of course Katie has her own home now and isn’t living tucked away in some kind of evil lair decorated in leopard print and cheap, tacky fake jewellery. It makes Naomi roll her eyes at herself, because surely Katie’s changed as much as she has, as much as they all have, and well, it’s the least Naomi can hope for as she approaches the door.
She doesn’t think when she reaches out and presses the doorbell, thinks it’s probably for the best if she goes up against Katie a little unprepared, because she never could be sure what would come spewing out of Katie’s mouth, and if Emily’s let on that Naomi’s partly to blame for why she unexpectedly turned up on her sister’s doorstep, then Naomi’s pretty certain that Katie will have something to say about it and she can almost guarantee that it won’t be friendly.
“You looking for Katie Fitch?” Naomi turns to see a little old lady with a warm smile poking her head out of the door belonging to the house next to Katie’s and nods her head. The lady smiles and says, “You’ve missed her, took off around 8.a.m. to leave for work-- lovely, hard working girl... anyway she won’t be back until this evening, although I do believe she has a house guest at the moment, twin sister, I think.”
Naomi nods her head, “She’s the one I’m here to see actually. Do you know if Emily will be back soon?”
The old lady purses her lips together in thought and after a long moment replies, “She also left first thing this morning, was carrying a large shovel... seems like a strange girl, that one.” Naomi frowns at the response, doesn’t understand why Emily would ever be carrying a shovel anywhere.
She realises she’s being rude when she still feels the old ladies eyes on her and forces a smile in her direction. “Thanks for your help.”
It isn’t until she’s almost back at her mum’s that Naomi considers the possibility of all of the places Emily might have gone, comes up with one answer that seems certain and changes her course to head in the direction where it all really began for them.
-----
Naomi’s always surprised by how each and every time she goes back there, to the lake-- to their lake, just how much if fills her with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia of that very first time Emily had taken her there.
She always remembers the good parts first, the moments where Emily really stopped being someone so shy and tentative and finally became her own person- just Emily without the baggage that usually followed of ‘the shy twin’ ‘the loser twin’ ‘Katie’s sister’ and where Naomi really saw her for the first time; eyes finally opened to the real Emily and not just the facade she’d hidden behind for all those years.
And it had been shocking at the time, shocking and lovely- Emily had been lovely, and it’s something that Naomi would have denied down to the bone if someone had asked her at the time it happened, but she knows now, she can admit it without that dreaded feeling of suffocating, that that first night she spent with Emily had been amazing.
That’s part of the reason why it still hurts, more so now, knowing that she’d woken up with Emily snuggled into her body and breathing warmly out against her neck, and instinctively felt so sick, so terrified that she’d recoiled away from Emily as quickly and quietly as possible to make her escape without a second thought of what damage it may cause to the girl she was leaving behind.
Ashamed, Naomi remembers clearly, was exactly how she’d felt as Emily caught her running away, and it’s still painful to have to add ‘again’ to that sentence. But in the morning light it had made Naomi resent Emily so much just for making her feel- for opening her up, for exposing her and allowing Naomi to share part of herself that she wasn’t all that ready to share- that Naomi was selfish and cruel and continued on walking even after Emily begged her to stay; her voice breaking as she pleaded with Naomi to stay.
It seems stupid now, the amount of time she spent fighting against Emily and all that she made her feel, because in truth it had been inevitable, always a losing battle, and Naomi had known that deep down, but that hadn’t meant that it made it any easier to digest or to accept.
It feels pointless to waste away more time now, wondering what could have been had she just been willing and ready to want, to need, when her eyes stumble over the torn up earth, the messy piles of mud scattered over ground that had once been as beautiful and untouched as the rest of the place.
Naomi feels her chest restricting tightly, the air in her lungs squeezed forcefully out of her body when she gets close enough to see the owner of the destruction. Looks down to see Emily’s fragile and broken form practically curled up inside the deep muddy hole and watches as Emily’s red, puffy eyes raise up to meet her own.
She feels the words catch in her throat, doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say in this moment to take all of the pain away, to fix everything that she’s obviously broken, and so she swallows down hard against the lump in her throat and manages, “Rachel came to see me.” Emily doesn’t respond, just looks away from her and sniffles brokenly and Naomi reels with the notion that she’s not getting this right, that she’s already undoing them more than necessary; wants so desperately to see Emily smile that she tries to lighten the mood and adds, “What’s with the hole? It looks like a bomb has gone off down here.”
Emily does look at her then, pierces Naomi with cold eyes and wryly replies, “It was time that we cut the ties to the past, don’t you think?”
It stings more than anything she’s been made to feel since Emily walked back into her life, so much so that it makes Naomi’s breath catch in her throat at just how defeated it sounds falling from Emily’s mouth, that no matter how hard they’ve tried they’ve still crashed and burned.
Only they haven’t, and Naomi can’t believe that, won’t. Finds her voice thick with emotion when she asks, “You really believe that?”
Emily doesn’t say a word, and Naomi can tell just by the way that she purses her lips together, by the way her brown eyes narrow incredulously that Emily’s utterly conflicted by it all, probably doesn’t know where she’s supposed to even start in this disastrous mess they’ve created for themselves.
Naomi allows her that moment of silence, uses it to move in closer to Emily, sliding down into the side of the hole opposite her, and takes the opportunity to trail her eyes over every inch of Emily’s body, only stopping when she catches sight of her hands; covered in a mixture of dirt and blood which make Naomi reach out for her instinctively.
But Emily becomes alert as Naomi shifts and pulls her hands away from Naomi before she gets the chance to touch her; her knees drawing up tighter to her chest as if to protect herself further from Naomi’s advances as she growls, “Don’t, okay? Don’t you dare try and comfort me.”
Naomi feels her eyes burning with tears and reaches out for her again desperately, achingly, when she whispers, “Please, Emily.”
Her attempt only causes to make something in Emily’s eyes flicker angrily, her voice flooding with rage and hurt as she shoves Naomi’s hands away with a, “No, Naomi. This doesn’t mean we can just be together. You have no idea what you’ve done; Rachel’s a great woman, who loves me, who was there for me when you weren’t, and we-- I hurt her. I betrayed her.” Naomi can only watch then as Emily’s eyes fill with tears that escape easily down her cheeks, her voice coming out as a horse whisper when she continues, “Jesus, how could I do that to her.”
It ends with Emily releasing a wracking sob that undoes Naomi completely, leaves her feeling guilty and pained and helpless all at once, that all she can think to do is reach out to try and touch Emily, to comfort her in any way that she can, to take away some of the blame that is crushing Emily so unbearably in front of her very eyes.
“Em, sweetheart, don’t cry. Everything will be all right; we’ll work it out, okay? I promise,” Naomi murmurs frantically, soothing her hands up and down Emily’s arms in an attempt just to keep her grounded, to stop her slipping away from her completely.
But it doesn’t work, Emily pushes her away again, more urgently this time and snarls, “Get off me.” as she pushes herself to her feet and climbs out of the hole and away from Naomi as quickly as she can.
Naomi doesn’t even have to think this time, finds that her feet respond automatically and lead her after Emily without wasting a second. She moves swiftly, catches Emily by the arm and forces her to turn and face her as she begs, “Emily wait--”
“No,” Emily snaps cutting her off and drawing her arm back. “She may be right, and I may love you, but it doesn’t make this,” Naomi watches as Emily gestures wildly between them as she adds, “Us, right. It never has. You didn’t want me when you had me, and now I can’t.”
Naomi can’t control the way her eyes well up at what Emily’s saying, because nothing about this moment is right, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way and she doesn’t know how to explain that she had wanted Emily back when she had her but she just hadn’t known how. And now they’ve let it get so messed up, more than it ever was that they’re breaking each other down all over again.
Naomi’s not sure she can survive watching them collapse this time round and so she breathes out a whimpered, “Ems...” and tries to reach for her hand again, tries to beg her with her eyes, to make her see that they can do this if they just try, if Emily lets her.
But Emily doesn’t let her, just dodges her grasp and shakes her head in defeat. “No, this changes everything between us again, Naomi.”
“Don’t say that.” Naomi chokes out, crying now. “I know we’ll work it out.”
Emily bites at her lip and looks away from her, and it leaves Naomi feeling so lost and powerless that she feels her chest tightening up rapidly. Emily’s eyes are back on hers after a second, and she looks so drained, and so worn down by it all when she says honestly, “But what if I’m not sure that I can.”
Naomi feels her breath lodging in the back of her throat as Emily drags her eyes away from her and begins to walk away. It feels a lot like re-living the past, only Emily’s the one who gets to decide this time, she’s the one who can chose to walk away and let it all go. Naomi’s the one left trapped by all that they are and all that they can be.
It’s only when she sees the distance Emily’s putting between them that she manages to find her voice again, her words turning frantic and breaking as she calls out after her. “Emily, please don’t walk away. I love you and I know you love me. Don’t leave me here, be brave and stay with me.”
But Emily doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn back around to face her; just keeps on walking. And it’s only when Emily’s fully out of her sight that Naomi breaks down and cries, wonders if she caused Emily the same amount of pain back when she left her behind that very first time.
-----
It’s getting dark by the time she gets home- and Naomi wonders briefly is she’ll always think of this house as home even though she hasn’t lived there for years- but then her mum appears in the kitchen doorway and offers her a tentative smile as she looks Naomi over, beckoning her further into the house until Naomi’s close enough that her mum can pull her in for a much needed hug.
“You’re bloody freezing, love.” Gina pulls back and taps her gently on the cheek, “Come on, I’ll put the kettle on.”
Naomi’s thankful then, that she isn’t immediately bombarded with questions, likes how her mother’s caught on to the times when she really just needs to give Naomi a moment of silence to try and pull all of her thoughts together.
They drink their coffee together silently and only when Naomi’s finished does she look up at her mum and say, “I’m in love with Emily.”
And her mum laughs then, actually looks at her with a smile and replies, “About time you caught up on that one, darling. I was starting to worry that I’d dropped you too many times as a child and left you with permanent brain damage.”
Naomi rolls her eyes and tries to smile but finds that she can’t, not with everything that’s still preventing her from being happy and lets out an exasperated sigh.“I don’t know how to fix it mum, I-- she loves me, I know she does but she doesn’t trust me,” she lets out a snort, because when exactly did she ever give Emily the chance to trust her and when she sees the question on her mum’s face a second later, she adds, “Rachel’s ended things with her.”
Gina nods her head in understanding. “Well, I take it you’re here to finally get her back then?”
“Yes...” Naomi swallows down the lump in her throat and averts her eyes. “Except she doesn’t want to be with me, says she can’t; not now I’ve fucked up her life again.”
“Naomi, don’t be a twat.” It makes Naomi look back at her mother in surprise, her mouth open as if ready to fire back a retort when Gina pierces her with a pointed look. “You’re my daughter, and God knows I love you with all my heart, but you really need to pull your finger out sometimes.”
Naomi blinks for a few long second and says, “What are you talking about mum? I’m fucking here aren’t I?”
Gina shakes her head disbelievingly. “And after everything you’ve just told me, you think that’s enough?”
It makes Naomi balk, catches her so off guard that all she can do is mutter back, “I... fuck’s sake, I’m doing the best I can.”
“No you’re not.” Gina’s eyes soften when she sees Naomi’s shoulders tense up out of nowhere and reaches out to cover her hand. “If you’re serious about this, about really loving Emily this time, you’ll get off your bloody arse and make her trust you. You’ve got to force her to believe, love, otherwise you’ll be proving her right and she’ll never be willing to give you another chance.”
Naomi sighs heavily reaching into her bag for her cigarettes. “And how do I do that exactly? Because clearly I’m not getting this right, am I?”
“I always found that a combination of patience and persistence works well for situations like this.” Gina plucks the cigarette from Naomi’s fingers before she can light it and shakes her head. “You’ve got to remember just how long it’s been Naomi, you’ve both changed a hell of a lot and Emily’s just had her life turned upside down.”
“I wasn’t expecting this to happen either, okay?” Naomi snipes defensively.
“I know that, sweetheart.” Gina replies calmly. “Just let Emily know that you really mean it this time, make sure she’s aware that you’re not going anywhere, prove yourself somehow and then be patient while she deals with everything. If it’s meant to be it’ll be.”
Naomi swallows hard and whispers, “And what if it’s not meant to be?”
Gina doesn’t say anything else for a few long moments, just leans forward and presses a lingering kiss to Naomi’s forehead before adding, “You’ll never know unless you try, Naomi.” and leaving her daughter alone in the kitchen.
Naomi picks up her cigarette and lights it, inhales the smoke deeply and decides that maybe for once in her life she should listen to her mum’s advice. Hopes that trying will be enough this time round and if it isn’t, well, she’ll just have to try even harder.
-----
She doesn’t sleep.
Lays awake and thinks about everything she wants to say. Doesn’t want to give Emily a chance to catch her off guard with questions she’s unprepared for.
Even why she tries to work it out, Naomi still doesn’t know what she’s meant to expect.
-----
It’s almost 9.a.m. by the time she reaches Katie’s house and Naomi feels a wave of nervousness fluttering in her stomach when she catches sight of a silhouette moving past one of the windows. Isn’t sure which of the twins it is but hopes to God that it’s the one she’s here to see and not the one that will surely make this harder for her.
She takes a few deep, steadying breaths and reaches out for the doorbell; listening to the faint ringing she hears echoing throughout the house. It doesn’t take long before she hears a voice calling “just a minute” accompanied by the gentle pitter-patter of hurried feet that leave Naomi steeling herself for the reveal.
Naomi sees the flash of red that appears on the other side of the door and feels relieved that it’s Emily - knows that Katie had changed her hair dark after the whole Effy and the rock incident - but then just as she’s readying herself to say everything she’s come there to, the door remains shut, and Naomi can just make out Emily’s shape through the frosted glass pane, knows that Emily has recognised her too.
She tries to make out Emily’s eyes through the glass and says, “Em, please open the door.” when she realises Emily isn’t going to do so willingly.
Emily’s quiet for a long time and Naomi can almost hear the way she’s breathing deeply, as if Naomi being anywhere near her has sucked away all of the air and left them both to stifle in the thickness of their surroundings, in the thickness of them.
“How did you find me?”
It’s a barely audible question and yet Naomi is so focused, so in-tune to everything that is happening, she hears it easily, wouldn’t be foolish enough to not be alert to everything that is going on. “I went to your old house. Spoke to your dad.”
“You did what?” Emily’s voice is clearer now, louder and edgier, a little angry. “You had no right to tell him about anything that’s going on; they’re my family, Naomi.”
And of course Emily expected her to have gone in with guns blazing, running her mouth off like she would have at age sixteen, all headstrong and over-opinionated. But things have changed, she’s changed, and maybe that’s part of the problem, their miscommunication on the things that are present and no longer the same.
“I didn’t say a word, Ems. I promise. I just asked him if you were there and when he said no I asked for Katie’s address, but that’s all, okay?” Naomi explains desperately and raises her hand up to press against the glass when she adds, “Please open the door. I need to see you.”
She hears Emily sigh in response. “I can’t. Please just go back to London, Naomi. I said all that I had to say to you yesterday so don’t make this harder.”
It hurts more than a little, to know that Emily won’t even try, won’t even hear what she has to say, doesn’t appear to want to, and yet Naomi feels a rush of determination, of hope that things will-- can be different if they both just try, that she refuses to back down.
“Sorry, Em, but I can’t do that.” Naomi bobs down and tries to peer through the letterbox, can only just make out Emily’s legs when she adds, “I can’t leave, not while you’re still here. I meant what I said that night, I love you and I’m not going anywhere this time. So please just open the door so we can talk about this properly.”
It goes quiet again, and Naomi can hear a faint knock, imagines that Emily’s allowed herself to sink back against the wall to support herself, and there’s something about that image that makes Naomi ache, just picturing Emily struggling against it all and still not letting herself take Naomi’s hand.
“There’s nothing left to say Naomi, you’re wasting your time. Just go, all right. I don’t want to speak to you,” Emily breathes out.
Naomi closes her eyes for a second, tries to gather her thoughts, and opens them again to see Emily’s figure disappear down the hallway without another word. She can’t help but momentarily feel like she’s trying to fight a lost cause, a cause that Emily seemingly wants her to give up on; doesn’t want Naomi to fight for her. But just as quickly as that thought comes, she hears her mum’s voice echoing in her head and reminding her that she can’t just give up, that she’s got to make more of an effort this time if she’s ever to convince Emily they can work this out together.
It sticks.
And so she pushes the letterbox back open and calls, “I’ll stay out here all day if I have to, Emily, but I’m not leaving you; not now, not ever,” and feels better for saying it even if Emily doesn’t want to hear it. At least one of them is starting to believe in her now, and Naomi can’t think of a better person to start with than herself.
Emily’s doesn’t reply at all and so Naomi lets herself sink down outside the door just like she’d done before all that time ago and hopes that eventually Emily will be just as willing to spend the night holding her hand through a cat-flap as she had been back then; hopes that not everything has changed as drastically as it might have.
-----
It starts raining in the afternoon, cold, windy, torrential rain that makes Naomi unable to stop shivering and yet she doesn’t attempt to move, stays leaning against the door in the hopes that Emily will eventually cave in and speak to her.
The house has been horribly quiet for a long time, and Naomi almost craves just to hear the sound of Emily’s footsteps so that she can somehow feel closer to her than she currently does. But Emily doesn’t give in, doesn’t come to her rescue this time and offer out a second chance with arms wide open and it comes as a harsh blow to Naomi when she realises that perhaps Emily won’t give in this time at all, that maybe things really have changed more than she expected them to have.
It’s only when the sun starts to disappear behind the clouds and her fingers start turning blue from the cold, that Naomi relinquishes this first round, let’s Emily have this fight when she concludes that it just isn’t going to happen as easily as she’d hoped for. Knows she’ll have to come up with something better for tomorrow, the battle nowhere near over.
She’s blinded by car lights as she pushes herself to her feet and it’s only when the engine and lights switch off that her vision adjusts to see Katie looking at her with a mixture of shock and curiosity.
Katie is out of the car and standing in front of her - dressed smartly is a gray dress and carrying a large folder - in no time, and it’s so surprising to see Katie looking anything but a cheap tart that it causes Naomi to miss Katie’s first question all together.
Finds herself blinking rapidly and muttering a pathetic, “What?” when Katie glares at her and says her name for a second time with a growl and draws her attention back to the moment.
“Fuck’s sake Naomi.” Katie says, shoving past her and getting her keys out of her bag. “I said what the hell are you doing standing outside of my door looking like a drowned bloody rat?”
Naomi thinks about telling her to mind her own fucking business, but then she remembers that getting into a petty argument with Katie will do her no favours in getting Emily to talk to her, and so she wipes some of the rain out of her eyes and says instead, “Emily wouldn’t open the door.” as if that explains everything.
Katie’s managed to open the door and step inside by the time Naomi’s answered and she looks back over her shoulder as they both hear Emily calling out, “Kay, is that you? Has she gone yet?” before looking at Naomi pityingly and saying, “You should go home Naomi.”
Naomi shakes her head, her voice pleading when she replies, “I need to see her, Katie.”
There’s the ruffling sound of a few more footsteps behind Katie a second later and Naomi catches a glimpse of Emily descending down the stairs, feels her breath catch when their eyes meet for just a second before Emily has disappeared out of sight again.
She doesn’t get a chance to say anything else as Katie starts shaking her head and pushing the door closed when she sees Naomi taking a step closer, as if Naomi’s ready to just barge her way in. “I mean it Naomi, go home. You’ve obviously caused enough damage for today.”
Naomi can’t react then, when she’s overrun with memories of Katie saying exactly the same thing to her all those years ago whenever she’d proved to be a dick and sent Emily running away from her in tears.
She just watches Katie close the door on her face and has to bite down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying, hopes the deafening sound of the door closing isn’t a symbol that Emily is shutting her out of her life for good.
-----
It feels a lot like the start of a routine when she can’t shut her mind off and go to sleep, feels like she’s trapped by all of her past mistakes, as if they’re falling in on her and forcing her to choke and suffocate on her own regrets.
-----
Naomi’s jarred from her dozing early the next morning by her mobile, the murmuring sound of her phone vibrating loudly on the wooden bedside table leaving her scrambling out blindly to answer the call.
She answers with a gruff, “Hello,” her voice dry and hoarse from lack of sleep and moisture.
It’s silent on the other end for a long moment and Naomi repeats herself twice more before she hears a hesitant, “I’ll meet with you, okay?”
She sits up quickly then, making herself dizzy and rubs at her eyes before pulling the phone away from her ear and reading “Emily” on the screen; has to fight to keep the disbelief out of her voice when she replies, “Where?”
“The Starbucks in Bristol Arcade at 1.30.p.m. Don’t be late, yeah?”
“I’ll be there.” Naomi answers back quickly and listens as the line goes dead a second later.
-----
The first thing that Naomi thinks when she gets to the coffee shop - and starts scouting through the groups of people for Emily’s unmistakable red hair - is that there’s no fucking way she’s stupid enough to have fallen for this twice.
Only she must be, because there’s no sign of Emily anywhere, only Katie, sitting off in a corner on her own and staring at Naomi the second she walks through the door. It makes Naomi think about turning straight around and leaving, doesn’t see the point in suffering another one of Katie “she’s mine, bitch” warnings, but then Katie raises her hand and waves her over with a soft smile that immediately sets Naomi on edge.
“Was that you on the phone?” She asks when she gets close enough.
Katie smirks back at her in the way that only Katie Fitch can do and it almost makes Naomi’s stomach knot when she cockily replies, “She shouldn’t leave it lying around.” Naomi opens her mouth to reply but comes up empty, doesn’t understand how Katie can turn this into some kind of sick game again. But then Katie rolls her eyes and lets out an amused sigh, “Jesus Christ, Campbell, your face. I’m fucking messing with you, yeah?”
“Clearly,” Naomi replies snidely, still unimpressed.
“Would you, like, stop being a twat and sit down? I’m trying to help here, you dozy cow.”
Naomi reluctantly takes the seat opposite Katie and glares over at her. “How exactly is you faking to be Emily, again, helping me?”
“Look, Naomi, don’t be a cunt already, yeah?” Katie says not entirely unkindly. “If you’d just shut up and listen to what I have to say--” Naomi rolls her eyes and Katie purses her lips together before continuing, “Believe it or not, I’m not out to get you. I’m not that person anymore. Surely you can understand that people change, right?”
Naomi averts her eyes, suddenly feeling embarrassed by her childish reactions, mumbles, “Yeah I can... sorry.”
“Forgiven,” Katie replies easily and it makes Naomi feel even more like a twat that Katie hasn’t laced the word with hatred or sarcasm, just sincerity. Katie must sense her surprise because she rolls her eyes again and says, “Are you going to order a coffee and relax now that you know I’m not going to bite your head off, or are you just going to sit there looking like a gormless tit?”
It’s the first thing to make Naomi smile in hours and she doesn’t know whether to offer Katie a genuine ‘thank you’ or to leave their new and still strange, balance alone. In the end she chooses to say nothing and follows Katie’s order to get herself a drink.
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Where I Stood - Chapter Six: Collide (Part Two)