Out of Choices - Chapter 20
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 20: Antithesis (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 10,868
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
20. Antithesis
A/N: My obligatory recognition of the ownership of the wonderfulness that is Twilight: La grandeur qui est Stephenie Meyer a rêvé vers le haut Edward magnifique et la Bella courageuse et tous autres caractères au crépuscule et elle possède lui tout, et moi peut-être, si je suis honnête, qui je suis, tellement oui. And yes, before you wonder, I am amusing myself, and yes, I can actually speak some French (really badly broken and without proper grammar and sentence structure as it may be). I’m Canadian. It’s mandatory here :op
I have apparently lost the ability of being succinct. Not even that much happens in this chapter plot-wise. Another 10K, but I’m happy with the way it reads so there’s something in that.
I just wanted to say thank you again for the reviews. It’s so great to get feedback from people and I find it really encouraging as an author to hear what people think. So thanks so much. I’m glad you’re all enjoying the story.
It’s time for our dear Edward to have his say. From Edward’s POV…
There are days when the world resembles the epitome of hope, where desire is in perfect equilibrium with karma and there is no reason to question its veridicality, everything just falls into place the way it was meant to. Today was just that when it started. And there are days when the world resembles the antithesis of hope, where fairness is wayward and reality has no verity and life is merely a vicious cycle of turmoil and pain. Today was one of those days by the time it ended. How could something start out so exquisite and end up so desolate?
The last twenty-four hours with Bella brought an incredible reversal of her attitude towards me. She was no longer hiding behind her sarcasm or keeping me at arms length. Instead she had begun to open up to me and was letting me see who she really was. Every facet of her personality that she revealed was more fascinating than the next. It was not easy for her. She clearly struggled with the vulnerability that resulted from her disclosure. I think she thought herself weak, but to me it showed her strength and courage.
I had been unable to get her to admit her feelings for me out right, but she hinted at them and that was enough for me. She had an exceptional gift for conveying her emotions with the way she looked at me, especially when the feelings were intense and uninhibited. Part of me wondered if she was this way with everyone and that I was the only one to notice because I spent so much time studying and observing her. Selfishly, I wanted it to be only with me, our own silent vernacular to share the feelings that we couldn’t put words to yet. She wasn’t always silent though. She often spoke her mind, and articulating her feelings was a difficult thing for her, but she did so nonetheless, with honesty and intrepidity.
There were several times she had done or said something solely for my benefit and I found exuberant felicity in the idea that she cared enough to do such things for me. Once in the parking lot and once in the car she dared to hold my hand in spite of her uneasiness. It was merely the hurdle of making the gesture that made her uncomfortable, not the gesture itself. She also admitted that she worried about me, and that intimation exhilarated me, in spirit and in emotion. Bit by bit she was coming around and I was starting to understand that with patience and time she might come to trust me with her heart. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose, one that fixed me in the day to day and changed the way I saw the world around me.
I was becoming so much better at reading her body language and following her thought process, although I was far from an expert at it. The cognizance that she often edited her thoughts before speaking them was helpful with discerning her true intent. She always thought far more than the words she spoke, and discerned more about what was going on around her than she let on. I wasn’t sure if this same discernment applied to her own feelings or not. She was scrupulous with what she allowed herself, and diligent about living within the strict boundaries she’d laid out. She was self-reliant and proud, and more than anything else, she didn’t want to need anyone. I think it was the idea of losing someone else of importance that made her unwilling to reach to out to people. She didn’t believe me when I told her I wouldn’t leave, but she couldn’t know my truth. My heart was forever bound to hers and she was the only one with the power to separate us now. My will had been surrendered within the enduring and unalterable change of falling in love with her. I could not leave her now if I wanted to. Of course Bella knew none of this, not even of my love for her. It would have been too much too soon to tell her of my depth of feeling. Patience was of the utmost importance, and I could be very patient when the reward was her love.
She joked that I affected her in odd ways, that I often left her feeling incoherent and overwhelmed and temporarily hypnotized. She did the same to me. One look from those eyes could freeze me in my tracks. She was beautiful and alluring without trying and when she tried I was at a loss to not give her everything she asked of me. She was inimitable. She was nonpareil. She was everything.
When I picked her up from gym on Thursday she had tied back her hair in a ponytail. She was breathtaking. I had never seen her with her hair pulled up off her neck, and with her cheeks flushed pink from gym, her delicacy and beauty were exquisite. Later that day when I kissed her I could not resist the call of her bare skin there, running my fingers along her neck, cupping and caressing it, but it wasn’t enough to ease the pull fully. In my attempts to channel my need for her, I entwined my fingers into her glossy hair and pulled it back to her neck and held both for as long as Bella would allow me. I felt obvious and desperate and couldn’t bring myself to care, just lost in her affection and our connection, and soothed that the pull had finally ceased.
Seeing her cry nearly broke me. It was agonizing like no other thing I’d ever known, and I felt entirely helpless to ease her pain. I did my best to soothe her with gentle caresses and comforting words, drying her tears and assuring her I would take whatever she could give. When that didn’t work I kissed her, pouring all of my emotion and love into my actions, hoping to convey my words and reassert the idea that I would not leave her and that I was more than willing to accept her just as she was, broken as she called it. She was not broken to me, just scared, and understandably so. She was so afraid to risk too much and be or inflict hurt along the way that she was willing to hold on to the idea of what could be rather than chase what she really desired. She did not need to be afraid. We would find a way to make us work.
The difference in her kiss was vivid. When our lips first met she was unresponsive; her kiss was little more than obsequious and mechanical. I simply pushed past the negativity, refusing to accept her non-reaction and poured more feeling into my actions. It took only a small bit of patience before her lips awoke under mine and kissed me back with ardency and adulation. Her kiss told me all of the things she couldn’t say, thank you and love me and I’m sorry and I need you. I would never stop needing her and wanting more of whatever she would give to me. It was the most precious gift.
When she ran her hands beneath my jacket the sensation was divine. Had it not been such an emotional fragile moment for her, I would have mirrored the same contact on her. I longed to touch her further, to touch every part of her body and soul, but I didn’t even know if I was capable of it without hurting her. I knew my control was paramount in our intimacy, and the force and overwhelming nature of everything between us put onerous demands on my restraint. I was going to have let go of my reticence to keep my love for Bella to myself and consult Carlisle. If anyone would know if I was even capable of intimate contact with Bella it would be Carlisle. I’m sure that he noticed the highs and lows of my temperament lately but had remained silent out of respect for my privacy. It would make him happy to know of this extraordinary change in my life.
The guilt of keeping my secret from Bella was becoming increasingly more difficult to bear because I hated lying to her. She mentioned in passing that she was sure there were things that she didn’t know about me and it was like a slap of reality in the face for me. There were so many differences between her kind and mine that I had to explain with lies. It went against my very nature and my love for her. I wanted her to know as much of me as I was allowed to show her. I doubted that she could ever care enough about me to look past what I was, and I struggled with the unfairness of it all. Had I not been turned, I would not have become a vampire nor have ever have met her, instead dying at the appropriate time in my life. It seemed somehow that I was destined to love Bella and yet, the cruelty of fate had twisted our futures in such a gnarled and wicked way that the likelihood of a happily ever after teetered unstably and volatile with every interaction. The state of non-life that I lived in for so long was easier in that I had nothing to lose, nothing I valued enough to lose. Now there was a significant chance that I could lose the only thing that had ever mattered and I’d never been so terrified.
Bella agreed to have lunch with me again today and we were having a lovely time together until Alice showed up. I heard her approaching, her alarmed mental tone was easily discernable from the gush of voices in my head. ‘Edward, I need to talk to you immediately.’
“Hello people,” Alice called. I shot her a glance to ask her what was bothering her. ‘I need to talk to you alone Edward,’ she informed me. I shrugged infinitesimally to let her know that I had no intention of leaving Bella’s side and she proceeded to help herself to the seat between Bella and I. I bit back a growl at her intrusion. “What’s shaking?”
‘I had them again Edward.’ I glared at her. I could read minds, but I couldn’t predict them. She was going to have to give me a little bit more than that if she wanted me to understand. Bella must have seen the face I made at Alice because her toes stroked my leg a little more firmly, trying to soothe me. Under normal circumstances it would have worked, but Alice’s intrusion and vagueness were irritating me.
“Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday.” Bella’s voice was cheerful. She was happy to see Alice, so I tried to relax in spite of Alice’s alarm.
‘The visions, Edward, the visions.’ I quirked an eyebrow and waited for her to let me in. It was the only way I would understand what she meant without coming out and asking. If I wanted to keep our silent conversation private then I couldn’t say anything that Bella could hear. “And here I am,” Alice joked, smiling widely at Bella, and then turned her face towards me. “Edward,” she nodded, trying to disguise her intensity as amusement. ‘Look.’ I began to watch in horror at the pictures - me holding Bella’s dead body, my crimson irises, Charlie’s horror struck face, a funeral, a headstone, and my home, empty and deserted. Anger flashed in my eyes as everything around me went red.
I tried to control my reaction to what she’d shown me but I was staggered. “Alice,” I practically growled through my gritted teeth.
‘They are getting worse and more frequent.’ More information I didn’t want or know what to do with. My mind searched furiously for what could have changed the future so drastically. Alice turned her attention to Bella.
“So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Alice watched me for an answer but I gave none. ‘You can’t ignore this Edward. This is Bella’s life we’re talking about. You aren’t the only one who loves her you know. I love her. Charlie loves her. You have to do something to stop it.’ I rolled my eyes at her absurdity. Of course I would do something, I just didn’t immediately know what it was. Alice glared at me angrily, silently defending her friend’s life.
I tuned out their conversation and painstakingly searched every thought I’d had that day, weighing and considering each word against Alice’s visions. I was lost in my head and stayed silent while they spoke, contemplating my actions and decisions. The only difference I could come up with was the date with Bella. We would be alone and away from school, but we had been alone away from school before. There had to be some other difference I was overlooking.
“I signed you up for the class ski trip.”
Alice’s words pierced through my preoccupation.
“You did what?” Bella yelled in shock.
“You signed her up for skiing?” I barked. Alice was angry with me for risking Bella’s life and she was putting Bella into another dangerous situation.
“I can’t ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days,” Bella announced. She was right. It was a thoughtless thing for Alice to do. I understood her desire to spend time with Bella but this was not the way to do it.
“Have you ever tried skiing?” Alice wondered. ‘Think Edward!’ she demanded. I bared my teeth at her but stopped short of snarling.
“No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?” Bella said sarcastically.
“Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you.” She smiled sweetly at Bella, trying to win her over. I wanted to whisk Bella out of the cafeteria and away from Alice’s influence. I knew Bella would feel responsible to Alice and want to please her. She was already in enough danger. I didn’t not want her taking more risks. ‘So you’re just going to let her die then? If you’re going to do that then at least change her. That would be more humane than death, and since you claim to love her at least you could keep her.’
My jaws snapped shut at her thought and I tightened my eyes and glared angrily at her. “No Alice. Bella doesn’t need Jazz’s help.” My tone was full of condemnation and it wasn’t lost on her.
“Edward, hush. Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella.” Alice was doing a much better job of hiding her emotions than I was. ‘I’m sorry Edward but you just don’t seem to be taking this seriously enough.’ She flipped through the visions again and I bit back a wince.
“She’s not going Alice,” I declared, aiming my anger over her hasty and thoughtless assumptions at Alice.
“Yes, she is Edward,” Alice bit back. ‘Have you thought about what it’s going to do to you if you take her life Edward? You’ll never forgive yourself.’
“Do I get a vote?” Bella squeaked. Both Alice and I turned to look at Bella. She was visibly uncomfortable listening to us argue, and I felt guilty for upsetting her. I should have done a better job at controlling myself.
“Bella, it’s not safe for you to go skiing,” I murmured, knowing she would not like hearing me make decisions for her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I only wanted her safe.
“She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine Bella.” Alice was conveniently ignoring the risks. I was reasonably sure that the only reason Alice couldn’t see Bella getting hurt skiing was because the event that triggered the visions of Bella’s death was blocking that path. ‘She’s safer skiing than she is with you.’ I was mortified by her thought because at the moment it was true. I would never forgive myself if I hurt Bella and right now I seemed to be the biggest threat to her welfare.
“I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all,” Bella conceded, and I was flooded with relief.
“See Alice? She doesn’t want to go,” I said decidedly, trying to get Alice to give up her foolish plans.
“I wasn’t finished Edward,” Bella murmured, trying very hard to control her irritation. “What I was going to say was that if it’s important to you Alice, I’ll try…”
“Oh yay!” Alice was so happy with Bella’s decision that she clapped. I rolled my eyes at her immaturity. ‘See, Edward? She wants to go.’
“What is it with you two and your interrupting?” Bella snapped, no longer able to contain her anger. “I’ll try it out if you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge.”
“You won’t.” Alice smiled sweetly at Bella and I had to bite back a growl. ‘Whatever plans you’ve made with her, you’d better back off Edward. You’re going to hurt her. Until you know what’s coming, you need to leave well enough alone.’ Alice glared at me, letting her words sink in. I couldn’t just leave things as they were. Bella was not going to give me another chance at our date. I had to move forward with our plans or risk losing her. Our future hinged on that date. Surely I had enough control to take Bella out on one simple date and not hurt her. I would hold back. I would remain physically distant and avoid any position that put her at the slightest risk of me losing control.
“Will you two fucking stop that?” Bella demanded. “You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!”
I regretted my decision to not excuse myself to speak privately with Alice. Instead we had both been extremely rude to Bella and we both knew it. I tried to return Bella’s soothing touch by stretching my leg out under the table and stroking her calf as she had mine. She seemed to relax slightly under my touch. “I’m sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that’s no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice,” I declared, remorseful and guilty.
“Me too,” Alice whispered, never lifting her eyes from the tabletop.
“Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments,” Bella suggested, trying to cover over her anger with sarcastic humour. Alice was staring at me again, showing me the visions, and trying to spur me into action. All she was really doing was making me feel impossibly more guilty and helpless. I didn’t need to see the visions endlessly to remember them. They were burned into my brain long ago. I hadn’t felt even a stirring of that primal instinct since the night in the clearing when I realized I was in love with Bella. Even now I felt none of that once familiar desire for her blood. That’s not to say that she didn’t smell appealing to me or set my body off in the same ways, more that I felt fully in control of my faculties. More than controlled, I felt relaxed and peaceful with Bella. There was nothing in Alice’s visions that suggested what the problem could be either, only the end result. “Don’t test me people, I will bitch slap you.”
“Alice was just leaving,” I suggested curtly, continuing to glare at Alice in an effort to get her to turn off the painful visions that she had flipping through her mind on an endless repeat.
“No, you know what? I’m leaving. I’ll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don’t want to be in the middle of you two any more.” Bella had reached her boiling point and I couldn’t blame her. Our behaviour had been atrocious, but I still didn’t want to be away from her.
“Bella, no, you don’t have to leave,” I pleaded quietly, staring into her eyes so she might see how abominable I felt and just how sorry I was. She looked terribly hurt and I could tell she was not ready to forgive either one of us.
“Yes, I do Edward. I don’t like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you.” I knew that opposing her was futile. She’d already made up her mind. I was better off to give her some space and time to calm down than press her in her current state of agitation.
“You’re not,” Alice insisted. She obviously wasn’t as perceptive about Bella’s moods. A brief flash of pride surged in knowing how Bella would react. I had no right to feel it. Bella was still in danger, even if I did know her mind.
“Talk it over and finish it please,” Bella declared curtly. She left without another word, throwing her food away and disappearing while I watched her from the table. I felt rather hopeless. Seeing her walk away and being helpless to stop her felt like a universal reminder that she was not mine, like a metaphor for my fear of losing her.
“I hope you’re happy,” Alice whispered.
“Of course I’m not happy Alice,” I hissed. “Please don’t deprecate me. I have enough to deal with. Surely if you’ve seen my future you can’t doubt my love for Bella.”
“I don’t,” she admitted. “But you need to find a way to keep Bella safe, even if you are the danger.” She didn’t want to hurt me but the fact that she believed me capable of hurting Bella was painful to me.
“We are supposed to go out tonight…a date…for dinner…”
“You’re taking her out to eat?” Alice asked in shock. “That’s a little ironic don’t you think?” She snorted delicately.
“Please Alice,” I snarled angrily. “This is not the time for jokes. I have done nothing I can think of that would put Bella at that great a risk with me. I honestly don’t even feel the urge the same way I once did. It all changed when I fell in love with her.”
“She doesn’t appeal to you?” Alice wondered.
“She still smells the same but I don’t feel the urge to act on it. Believe it or not she has a very calming influence on me. I feel peaceful when I’m with her.”
“Well when was the last time you fed?” she wondered.
“A couple of days, maybe three.” I tried to remember the exact day but it seemed so unimportant that I couldn’t pull it from my mind in exactness.
“Well maybe you should hunt then, before your date I mean. It can’t hurt right?” Alice was trying to be supportive, and she was right. It was not possible to hunt too often to keep Bella safe. “I can come with you if you want?”
We made plans to hunt after school. It was much more dangerous in the daylight. We would have to be extra careful. Between the two of us, with my mind reading and her ability to see the future we would find a way to be safe and remain undetected. I was sure of it. “Thank you Alice. I would like the company. Would you mind if I went to go find Bella. I really feel like I need to apologize to her for my behaviour.”
“No, go,” she insisted with a small smile. “I’m sorry about the visions. I hate causing you pain. I only want you to be prepared you know?”
“I know,” I assured her. “And thank you. I’ll see you in an hour.”
A sincere apology was all it took to be granted Bella’s forgiveness and I was grateful that I hadn’t offended her more deeply. I never wanted to be the cause of pain in her life. As we walked to class she mentioned a shift in the time of our date. There was still plenty of time to hunt before the date and with Alice’s help it would likely go even more quickly. I assured her it was no problem.
I spent the entirety of biology staring at Bella and studying every beautiful detail of her features. She must have blushed a half dozen times amidst our looks and I longed to ask her what she was thinking even though I was sure she’d never tell me. After class I told her I had to leave to take care of something and said goodbye to her outside the gym. Leaving her was becoming increasingly more difficult, and considering the facts that came to light today I felt the need to protect her even more strongly. She seemed sad that she wouldn’t see me after school and I wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek to reassure her, but I reminded myself of her desire for privacy. I did my best to convey my love for her in the way I looked at her. I wasn’t as good as it as she was, but I hoped that she could sense it.
The decision to hunt felt like the right one, and within the context of protecting Bella from my nature, it was. The unseasonably warm weather had brought out the backpackers so Alice and I strayed further away from home than we normally would have, just to be safe. Alice was on strict guard, concentrating on my immediate future while I hunted, looking for safety and nothing else. It was my first mistake. She was so focused on the moment that she didn’t look far enough out. I was just finishing with my kill when I saw the sun, breaking through the clouds with an unexpected intensity. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I squinted at it and turned my head to Alice. She was in a trance and completely unaware of the brightness that strained against her closed eyes.
“Alice,” I called to her, alarmed.
Her eyes snapped open and her head turned gradually in my direction, and slowly her eyes widened in shock. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow, her face squeezed together in concentration as her hands came to rest on her temples. I watched the images flip, filled with anxiety. The sun would trap us. Our expected path home was not maneuverable without the aide of cloud cover, and the more obvious alternate routes where blocked in various spots by back packers and even a group of school children on a field trip. I was overcome, falling to my knees and covering my head with my arms. This could not be happening. If I could not get to Bella to warn her, or change our plans, she would never forgive me. She did not give her trust easily, and if it appeared that I stood her up, the small amount of trust we’d built would be lost forever.
“Alice, did you bring your phone?” I was desperate. I would call Carlisle for help. He would help me without any questions and I could explain the circumstances later.
“No Edward, I didn’t think to bring it. Sorry,” she whispered remorsefully. That was my second mistake. I never brought my phone when I hunted but I should have been more prepared given the gravity of the day.
“I didn’t either,” I admitted quietly. I could hear Alice’s thoughts. They echoed my own. She knew what this would do to Bella, and to my chances with her. “It really does feel like I’m challenging fate at every turn trying to be with her.” I should have been prepared for anything. I should have known that I could not count on any situation to be easy or occur without problems.
“No, that’s not true. This is my fault. I should have looked wider out, challenged a larger number of questions. I was too resigned to the idea that the hunt was the most dangerous risk for us. I wasn’t looking for the weather. Maybe if I’d concentrated more on Bella…” Her voice trailed off and I watched the images flip in her mind again as she focused on Bella. She was in front of a mirror, doing her hair, pulling it in large chunks through some sort tool. She looked happy…excited…beautiful. She was wearing a lovely blue sweater that complimented the paleness of her skin perfectly. “She looks happy,” Alice whispered, even though she knew I could see it for myself.
“Mmm,” I agreed solemnly. She pushed further forward, pulling out an image of Bella at the restaurant, watching the sunset start over the Pacific. She handed a leather billfold to a waitress with a tight smile, seemingly knowing I wouldn’t make it or giving up on me. I hated the thought of hurting her, of disappointing her. I could deal with her anger, but not her upset. “Alice, can you…tears. Will there be tears?” I hated to ask but I needed to know how upset she would be.
“No, no tears that I can see, not based on what you’re thinking anyway. If you change your plans then I can’t promise she won’t cry. Right now all I see is anger.” At least there was that. I knew the impossible obstacle I was up against.
We set out for home, weaving and avoiding and looping through the forest homeward. I was irritated by the number of people we had to run around. The forest was like home to me and they felt like intruders today. I felt the need to rush, which was a pointless action. The sun would still hold me captive and prevent me from getting to Bella. I pondered risking the exposure but I knew I couldn’t. My skin would frighten Bella. Her anger at my lateness would be easier to combat than her disgust at what I was.
When we finally arrived home I changed my clothing swiftly and waited in the Volvo. As soon as Alice signalled that I was safe I took off after Bella. She was already on her way home as I tried to intercept her. She would not acknowledge my presence although I was quite sure she’d seen my car in her rear view mirror. She pulled her truck into the driveway instead of parking at the curb as she normally did. It didn’t occur to me what she was doing until she parked the truck right up beside the house and by then I was too late to prevent it. She flew from the car and into the house, slamming the door with a resounding thud that rattled the storm door. She was safe inside the house but I had no idea how to get to her now.
I made my way to the porch and knocked softly on the door. I knew she wouldn’t answer but I didn’t know what else to do. There were no sounds coming from the house so I had no hint about what she might be doing. I knocked a second time, more loudly but still respectfully. “Bella,” I called softly. “I’m very sorry. Please let me explain and apologize.”
There was no reply, and my ears registered no movement or sounds of any kind. I walked around to the side of the house and knocked on the side door, repeating the same soft knock that went unanswered, a harder knock that was also ignored and called her name with an apology, that also went unacknowledged.
I pulled out my cell and dialed her number. I heard her footfalls on the steps, and then shuffling along the floor towards the ringing telephone. “Hello?” she answered in a hushed tone.
“I’m sorry Bella. Please let me explain.” The phone went dead. Truthfully I didn’t know what I would say. I had no truthful explanation I could share but at least now she knew that I was aware that she was inside.
“Bella please talk to me. I know you’re in there. I can explain.” Whether I could explain fully enough to get her to forgive me was entirely another question. As expected, there was no reply.
I pulled out my cell again and redialled the house number. I could hear it ringing from inside the house and I let the ringing continue, knowing she wouldn’t answer the call but knowing also that the ringing phone would irritate her. I wasn’t sure that I should be pushing her in her already agitated state but I had few options before me that were doable. In the past, irritation had always provoked a response eventually.
“I’m not going anywhere until you at least talk to me.”
“Fuck you!” she growled. Her voice came from far away, perhaps upstairs. I don’t think I was meant to hear her, but she didn’t know how sensitive my ears were.
“At least let me explain please,” I called sweetly. Even I was starting to get irritated by the ringing phone. “I’m just going to let it ring until you answer it.”
“Asshole,” she muttered. I heard movement again, the creak of what I assumed was the stairs and her socks scuffling along the carpet. “That’s what you think,” she whispered under her breath. Then there was a small bang followed by a sharp snapping sound. The ringing stopped. She must have pulled the cord of the phone out.
“Damaging Charlie’s property isn’t going to make me stop,” I explained. I heard her huff and then the shift of furniture moving along the floor. I assumed that she must have sat down in the kitchen rather than go back upstairs. She must have believed me that I wasn’t going away, and I began to hope that I was softening her resolve.
“Bella, please let me in,” I petitioned softly. “If you still want me to go after I apologize then I promise to leave.”
“Why don’t you just leave now asshole? There is no fucking way I’m talking to you,” she whispered. I found her audible self-talk endearing and rather ironic. It was exactly the sort of thing I would normally hear from someone’s thoughts, but I’d never been able to hear Bella’s. Whether it was her anger or irritation that was feeding the constant babble of ideation I wasn’t sure, but I was grateful nonetheless.
“I’m not leaving,” I corroborated her thought. “Not until you talk to me.”
“Like I’d give you the fucking chance to talk to me.” I stifled a laugh since she was doing just that. “Leave me sitting at the fucking restaurant all by myself,” she muttered.
“I was with Alice. We got stuck…” I wasn’t sure how much more I should say. Anything more and I would be lying. “I would have called but I forgot my cell.”
“Of course you conveniently forgot your cell,” she sneered, imitating my voice to express her annoyance.
“I would have called Bella. You know me. I’m not the sort of man to stand a woman up.” I tried to sound confident without being overbearing. I wondered if she was even able to see things from my point of view in her angry state of mind. If she thought about it, she would know I was not the sort of man to be disrespectful to a woman, or at least I hoped that she would know that.
“I’m not the sort of man to stand up a woman,” she mocked under her breath.
I opened the screen door and stepped to the heavy wooden door, knocking lightly. “You know me Bella.”
“I thought I did,” she murmured. All I could hear now was her sadness. I had disappointed her and she had lost faith in me.
“You do. Please open the door Bella.” I banged loudly on the door in frustration. “Please?”
“Go away!” she yelled. I sighed lightly. At least she was speaking to me now.
“Bella, please just give me the chance to explain and if you’re still angry with me then I’ll leave. I promise.”
“I don’t want your fucking explanation Cullen. I want you to go away!”
“You don’t mean that. I know I screwed up Bella. This is my fault. You know I wouldn’t have done that to you if there was any way to prevent it.”
I heard her feet shuffling against the carpet and when she spoke her voice was much louder. “There was!” she snapped. “Don’t fucking ask me out on a date when you don’t plan to show up.”
“Bella, you can’t think I would ask you out and then purposely not show up. I’m not cruel.”
“Yes, you are Edward. You’re a fucking prick.”
“I know you’re angry. If it makes you feel better to call me names then go ahead. I apologize for being late. If there were any way to prevent it I would have. You know I wanted to be there Bella…to be with you.”
“I don’t know shit Cullen. Wait! I take that back. I know I showed up where I was supposed to, looked like a fucking fool sitting by myself waiting for my date to show up and he never did.”
“I’m here now,” I offered, since the apologies didn’t seem to be working.
“Go home Edward,” she yelled.
“I’m not going anywhere Bella.”
“You said if I let you explain that you’d go away if I didn’t want you here. I heard you. You were with Alice and couldn’t call. Now go away!”
“I asked you to open the door so I could speak to you and then, if after I explained, you still wanted me to go home I would. Please Bella. Just let me speak to you instead of to this damn door.”
The door flew open. “I fucking heard you,” she growled. “Now go away.”
I reached out for her hand without thinking. I just wanted to try and soothe her, but because she was angry she didn’t want me to touch her. She was tugging on her wrist immediately, trying to get it out of my grasp. “I’m so sorry Bella. Look in my eyes,” I requested softly and sincerely. “You’ll see I’m not lying.” I let her pull her wrist from my hand because I would have hurt her if I tried to hold on with the way she was pulling.
“I don’t think you’re lying. I just don’t give a shit.” Her eyes were ablaze with her anger.
“I don’t believe you,” I whispered, knowing she way lying but still feeling hurt as if it were the truth. “I know you care for me and I know I hurt you by being late and I’m very sorry Bella.”
“Fine,” she spat. “Apology accepted. Now leave!”
I didn’t understand why she was pushing me away if she was forgiving my lateness. “If you accept my apology, then why do you want me to leave?”
“You’re not hearing me Cullen. I…don’t…give…a...shit.” She said each word angrily, distinctly, over enunciating each syllable as if I were stupid and wouldn’t understand the words.
“What do you mean?” I prodded, understanding the words but not the reason.
“I mean just what I said. I don’t give a shit,” she explained matter-of-factly. “I don’t care enough to waste my time making small talk with you. There’s no reason for you to stay, which is why I said you should go, so buh-bye.” She waved her hand and shot me a sarcastic glare to emphasize her point.
“You know I don’t believe you,” I replied, trying to sound as casual as she did. “You’re just angry.”
“Humiliated, yes. Angry, no,” she denied. “A date was a stupid idea. You saved me the hassle of trying to make two hours of small talk and watching you speak with parsley in your teeth not knowing what to say. So…really…just thank you. Now go…”
“Bella,” I impugned.
“It’s not going to work Edward,” she informed me decidedly. “Give it up.”
“Give what I up?” I asked arrogantly, having trouble controlling my emotions against her lies. “You’re the one who’s hiding.”
“Fuck you,” she spat. “In fact, screw your whole damn attitude while you’re at it.”
“Angry, just like I said,” I stated smugly. “If you truly think the date was a bad idea, then prove it. Kiss me.”
“I have nothing to prove,” she declared flatly.
“Humour me then,” I challenged. “If you truly have so little interest in me, then show me by kissing me like you’d kiss any other. If I mean nothing to you, then shouldn’t it be evident in your kiss?”
“You are so fucking full of yourself,” she seethed. She was trying very hard to sound disgusted but I knew she was just hiding behind her anger and hurt. If I could get her to kiss me then I might have a chance at breaking through her anger. At this point it was the only hope I had.
“Maybe I am,” I allowed, “but I still want proof.”
“Fuck your proof!”
I went into overload and turned on all my allure knowing Bella would be susceptible to it. I worked hard to layer my expression with confidence and desire and charm. I hoped it would be enough to call her bluff. “Please Bella, for the sake of argument.”
“Will you leave then?” she demanded angrily, her hands on her hips.
“Yes.” I amended the arrangement in my mind. I would leave if I was satisfied that it was what she really wanted and only if she was telling the truth.
“Fine,” she spat. She stepped forward and pushed up on to her toes and kissed me forcefully on the cheek. I chuckled, amused by her very transparent attempt to dodge kissing me.
“I assumed you knew I meant on the lips,” I iterated in a purr. I smiled at her, her favourite smile, the one I knew affected her the most strongly.
“Whatever,” she hissed. She grabbed my jaw forcibly and pulled my face towards her, crushing her lips to mine. It was not at all like the way she normally kissed me. There was no passion behind it, no feeling whatsoever. She merely wanted to get it over with and held her breath, shoving her mouth at mine haphazardly and mechanically. She pulled back from me and poured on the sarcasm. “Happy?”
I wiped my mouth brashly and purposefully, knowing it would bother her. I wasn’t trying to irritate her. I wanted her to know she hadn’t fooled me with her lacklustre effort. “Really Bella, you can do better than that,” I suggested. “Kiss me like you mean it.”
She rolled her eyes and then shot me a glare, and I smiled back at her sweetly. Again she pushed up on to her toes and I inclined my head towards hers, anticipating the kiss as she brought her lips to mine. Her lips were softer this time, more hesitant, but different somehow. At first I couldn’t put my finger on the anomaly and resigned myself to kiss her back using my feelings for her, and tried to ignore the alienness of her kiss. I hoped that if I was patient that I would be able to break through her anger, but then I realized the difference. She was holding back, not in effort, but in feeling. She wasn’t allowing herself to enjoy the kiss, forcing herself to go through the motions in a disengaged fashion and I was infuriated. I understood her anger. I understood that she felt that I had wronged her intentionally. I even understood on some level her need to push people away to protect herself, a twisted form of self-preservation if you will. What I could not understand was why she would wilfully withdraw her feelings from the kiss just to be right. Was it so important to her to prove me wrong that she was willing to disregard the feelings between us and live a lie? I wasn’t demanding that she love me, simply asking that she allow herself to be truthful with how she felt.
My arms wound around her waist and I pulled her to my body. She thudded dully against my body, and her arms hung limply at her sides. It was just more proof that she was holding back emotionally. She didn’t try to touch me in any way. She allowed me to tuck her body into mine, but she did not press herself against me, as she normally would have. I flicked my tongue against her forced kiss, and she parted her lips slightly, allowing me to push my tongue into her mouth. I was met with no resistance. Her tongue mingled with mine minimally, no pressing, no twirling or fighting. If not for her taste on my tongue I wouldn’t even be sure that we were involved in a kiss of that depth. It was completely one-sided.
I pulled her more tightly to me, too tightly, struggling against my anger. She fashioned no response of any kind, no tiny whimpers or tightening of her non-grip or increased pressure from her lips. My frustration was exploding inside of me exponentially. I didn’t know how to fight against her stubbornness. All I knew was that I did not want to lose her. I let one hand stray up her back, tangling into her long hair, and twirled it around my fingers. It did nothing to change her holdback, but everything to ignite my own desire. I moved my hand to her neck, pushing and pulling her hair every which way so I could make contact with her skin, moaning softly against her lips when I finally felt it under my fingers. It’s warmth and silkiness was a reminder of what I stood to lose if I couldn’t get through to her. Her head moved minutely against the pressure of my hand. It wasn’t enough. I needed to bring a bigger response. I need to make her come undone.
I pulled back my intensity, softening my efforts in an attempt to reign in my anger and show her the respect and care that she deserved. I cupped her soft cheeks with my hands, stroking them with my thumbs while I kissed her softly, reverently, and lovingly. I sucked gently on her bottom lip, persuading it between my lips with a delicate pressure, sweeping my tongue across the length of it tenderly. I could feel her face tense and pull back the tiniest bit but I couldn’t tell if it was a positive or negative response. I released her lip and kissed her again, pushing against her tongue, testing her responsiveness. Her tongue acquiesced but offered nothing in return. I dropped my hands from her cheeks and snaked my arms around her waist. I wanted to make her feel safe and loved but I was failing. Every movement was passive. I was at a loss. I couldn’t make her feel anything and I was going under, overwhelmed by anger and dread and helplessness.
I ripped my arm from around her waist and forced one of her arms up my body, pressing and flattening her hand against my neck, silently willing a response from her while I pressed against her tongue with my own, growing more desperate for her affection. She did not remove her arm from around my neck, but it lay there involuntarily and lifeless. I bit back a growl at her intentional disregard and unresponsiveness. I pressed myself into her body further. I could feel every part of her against my body, her breasts crushed against my chest, her hips straining against my thighs. She felt right against me, like she belonged there. Why couldn’t she feel it too? And if she could feel it, then how could she resist it? I started to question everything, searching furiously for the action that would sever her disassociation. I pushed her other arm up my body in a similar fashion but there was no change, just a complete vapidity. I pulled back from her mouth and growled against her lips. “Kiss me dammit!”
My mouth came down on hers roughly, confronting her unwillingness and denouncing her apathy, daring her to not hold back. I had no purchase so I grabbed at her hips and pulled her out of the doorway, backing her up to siding of the house. I pressed my body into hers again, using the unforgiving surface to sandwich her against me. I was using everything I had in me to goad her reaction and still she remained unmoved by my actions. My finger found her chin and pulled it upwards, repositioning the angle of her head, and I forced my tongue into her mouth deeply, letting the weight of my body rest against hers. The quietest of moans slipped from her throat, passing from her lips like a life preserver, and suddenly everything in me was alive again, all of my love and desire and that pull that belonged only to her.
I could feel her hip bones under my fingertips, and spurred by her soft moan, I let my fingers stretch upwards, hooking under the wool of her sweater, searching out what I had no right to take but desperately needed. My fingertips grazed the waistband of her trousers, and though I knew I was being reckless and that I should stop to keep her safe, I did not. I allowed my fingers to drift upwards and knead into the warmth of the skin of her hips. She gasped loudly against my mouth and simultaneously everything changed. Her tongue moved against mine, reckless and dynamic, and I moaned in pleasure and triumph and relief. Her hands knitted into my hair and she yanked it hard and angrily. I grimaced and tried to remain unaffected because I knew she thought I deserved her anger. I would rather suffer in silence with an angry and alive Bella than have her return to the passivity and obsequiousness of the girl that had finally disappeared. Her hips pressed against my hands, filling my fingers with more of her silky warm skin and I groaned, unable to control my lust-filled reaction to the feel of her bare skin.
Like every time I touched her, I ached for more. I slid my hands upwards, tracing the curve of her hip, fondling her delicate flesh with my fingertips as they moved along her skin. She hissed at the contact and pulled her body to mine more tightly. There was such divine relief in the feeling of her reacting to me. I revelled in the force of her tongue as it pressed against mine passionately and the pressure of her diminutive form as she tucked it into the contours of my body willingly. I pushed my hands to her waist, glossing over her delicate curves and bringing my hands to rest on the small of her back. Every stroke of my hand filled me with such ardent desire that I knew I had to still my hands or I would lose complete control. She urged me on with her hands, bringing them to my waist and yanking out my shirttails. Her hands swooped under my shirt avariciously, in search of the same thing I had been. Her hands trailed up my sides, pressing and feeling and caressing every inch they could reach. The contact was glorious.
She wasn’t happy with my still hands, whimpering and grinding her hips into my body. Just like me she wanted more, one touch was never enough. I allowed my hands to slide upwards from her lower back, breezing over her skin with feathery caresses. I could feel every bit of her there between my hands, the bumps of her spine and the fabric of her bra and the soft perfection of her exquisite skin, so warm and smooth and desirous under my fingers. It would have been the sweetest surrender to just let go into that moment, but I knew I couldn’t. I was already risking Bella’s safety by testing my control. As much as I wanted more, I knew I could not take more tonight.
Her hands smoothed over my skin and I could feel her body pulling away from mine as her fingertips drifted between us and across my chest. I mentally battled with her physical displacement, wrestling with my fear that she was still resisting us. It’s what she did. I wanted to keep her in the moment, keep her focused on her feelings and away from her thoughts. I pulled her hips against me and eased up on my kiss, taking her top lip between my own and sucking gently. My focus was wavering under the sensation of her touch as she followed my musculature with her hands, tracing the indentations of each contour with a light pressure, as if she were reading Braille. I moved my hands along her back, glossing up and down, over and over again, caught up in the intensity and pleasure and excitement between us. Her fingers found my nipples, circling around the aroused flesh, stroking it repeatedly and I hissed at the titillation. I felt her lips pull into a smile against my mouth. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was rejoicing in the ability to elicit a reaction.
My tongue pushed against hers again, and she twirled and fought and pressed against my efforts with equality. I removed one hand from underneath her sweater and buried it in the hair at her neck, pushing her face to mine and pressing her against my body with the hand on her back. She moaned softly and I was nearly undone, dangerously close to losing control. The only thing holding me back from complete submission was my desire to keep her safe. I wanted to own every bit of her.
She pulled back suddenly, perhaps intuitively sensing my circumscription, letting her hands fall down my body, caressing my stomach on her way by before removing her hands from under my shirt. Her tongue pushed mine out, closing her mouth off but continuing to kiss me softly with swollen puckered lips. Her kisses were sweeter, reverent, and satisfying, like licking your fingers after eating chocolate or candy so you can enjoy every last bit of the sweet treat. Finally she pushed me away gently, using her hands on my chest to space our bodies. We were both panting, chests heaving against one another, so I understood the need for the separation even if I hated it. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me with dark iniquitous eyes. I stared back at her, trying to understand what she was showing me, but I did not.
After a few moments she stepped away form me completely, smoothing out her sweater and tossing her hair over her shoulder. “There. You got what you came for, so you can leave,” she announced harshly.
“What I came for?” I asked, confused by her abrupt shift in mood once again.
“You apologized. I kissed you like you asked. We both know that’s what you came for…to get off. So go on home now, you got what you came for.”
“Bella? You can’t think…” She cut me off before I had a chance to repudiate her accusation.
“Seriously, get the fuck out. We aren’t ever going to be more than this.” She moved her hand back and forth between us, referring to our physical closeness and the explosive heat that seemed to burn between us. “And I don’t care enough about it to work this hard. It’s just too fucking big a headache.” She turned to leave and I grabbed her wrist. Her eyes shot to mine with that same warning glare that she’d given me that day in the supply closet at school. She pulled her wrist back from me and rubbed it unconsciously, and although I was sure I hadn’t hurt her I was dumbfounded by her actions. “I’ll see you around Cullen.”
She disappeared into the house leaving me reeling and alone on the porch. I stood there a long while, hours possibly, trying to understand her actions. There was no fear that she did not care for me, nor was there any doubt that she had been lying through her teeth when she suggested she didn’t care. I knew she was stubborn though, and what I doubted was whether she would ever allow herself to take a chance again.
I wanted to make sure she was okay before I left and the door was not an option. I could not afford to leave any evidence of my trespassing. I scaled the house easily, using the porch’s overhang to hoist myself up to the second floor. As luck would have it, the window that I stood in front of was hers. I slid it open and climbed in to her bedroom quietly. She was on the bed, still fully clothed, her earbuds in her ears, although no music was playing. As I stood in the corner watching her sleep I was overcome with emotion. I only wanted what was best for her. Could I really be what was best for her considering my nature, her appeal and the push and pull of our relationship thus far? I couldn’t help but feel guilty and desperate. I was both. I couldn’t decide if I was simply wishing her feelings for me were deep and strong like my own, or if I was merely forcing myself into her life because of what I wanted selfishly. If I loved her as I claimed to, then her wishes should always come before mine. I contemplated my options, to stay and fight for her, to be patient and wait for her to come around, or to let her go. There were pros and cons to each choice, and as I listed them in my mind my heart was pierced by the saddest sound, a soft sob. I immediately reacted, disappearing out the window but I could not leave. I waited and listened as the sobs became louder. From the window I could see her body fighting her sorrow as her shoulders shook and her chest heaved and tears streamed from her closed eyes. She sat up suddenly, awake and upset, scrubbing her cheeks with her sweater-covered wrists to dry her tears. Her expression was alarmed and then just sad and upset when she couldn’t make the tears stop. She lamented quietly under her breath. “Why?” she whispered. “No…dammit…no...” Her voice was less than a whisper. She ripped the earbuds from her ears and threw her entire iPod across the room. Was it in anger? In resignation? In resistance? I would never know, prevented access to her mind by some wicked turn of events. Her mind was silent, always silent, and I had never wished more for her thoughts.
I watched her roll on to her side and yank the covers over her body and give into the sadness. The tears must have continued at least a half hour before she finally drifted back to sleep. I was helpless. I couldn’t comfort her; she wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t talk to her; she wouldn’t let me in. I couldn’t outwardly help her in any way. I had only one thing, my resolve to keep fighting for her. I would not let her go. I would love her and I would be trustworthy and enduring and patient and loyal. I would not give up no matter how stubborn she was or how many times she pushed me away, and if she never loved me back, then I would find a way to be happy just giving of myself to the one I loved. If that was all I would be granted then so be it, but I would never let her go.
Chapter 20: Antithesis (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 10,868
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
20. Antithesis
A/N: My obligatory recognition of the ownership of the wonderfulness that is Twilight: La grandeur qui est Stephenie Meyer a rêvé vers le haut Edward magnifique et la Bella courageuse et tous autres caractères au crépuscule et elle possède lui tout, et moi peut-être, si je suis honnête, qui je suis, tellement oui. And yes, before you wonder, I am amusing myself, and yes, I can actually speak some French (really badly broken and without proper grammar and sentence structure as it may be). I’m Canadian. It’s mandatory here :op
I have apparently lost the ability of being succinct. Not even that much happens in this chapter plot-wise. Another 10K, but I’m happy with the way it reads so there’s something in that.
I just wanted to say thank you again for the reviews. It’s so great to get feedback from people and I find it really encouraging as an author to hear what people think. So thanks so much. I’m glad you’re all enjoying the story.
It’s time for our dear Edward to have his say. From Edward’s POV…
There are days when the world resembles the epitome of hope, where desire is in perfect equilibrium with karma and there is no reason to question its veridicality, everything just falls into place the way it was meant to. Today was just that when it started. And there are days when the world resembles the antithesis of hope, where fairness is wayward and reality has no verity and life is merely a vicious cycle of turmoil and pain. Today was one of those days by the time it ended. How could something start out so exquisite and end up so desolate?
The last twenty-four hours with Bella brought an incredible reversal of her attitude towards me. She was no longer hiding behind her sarcasm or keeping me at arms length. Instead she had begun to open up to me and was letting me see who she really was. Every facet of her personality that she revealed was more fascinating than the next. It was not easy for her. She clearly struggled with the vulnerability that resulted from her disclosure. I think she thought herself weak, but to me it showed her strength and courage.
I had been unable to get her to admit her feelings for me out right, but she hinted at them and that was enough for me. She had an exceptional gift for conveying her emotions with the way she looked at me, especially when the feelings were intense and uninhibited. Part of me wondered if she was this way with everyone and that I was the only one to notice because I spent so much time studying and observing her. Selfishly, I wanted it to be only with me, our own silent vernacular to share the feelings that we couldn’t put words to yet. She wasn’t always silent though. She often spoke her mind, and articulating her feelings was a difficult thing for her, but she did so nonetheless, with honesty and intrepidity.
There were several times she had done or said something solely for my benefit and I found exuberant felicity in the idea that she cared enough to do such things for me. Once in the parking lot and once in the car she dared to hold my hand in spite of her uneasiness. It was merely the hurdle of making the gesture that made her uncomfortable, not the gesture itself. She also admitted that she worried about me, and that intimation exhilarated me, in spirit and in emotion. Bit by bit she was coming around and I was starting to understand that with patience and time she might come to trust me with her heart. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose, one that fixed me in the day to day and changed the way I saw the world around me.
I was becoming so much better at reading her body language and following her thought process, although I was far from an expert at it. The cognizance that she often edited her thoughts before speaking them was helpful with discerning her true intent. She always thought far more than the words she spoke, and discerned more about what was going on around her than she let on. I wasn’t sure if this same discernment applied to her own feelings or not. She was scrupulous with what she allowed herself, and diligent about living within the strict boundaries she’d laid out. She was self-reliant and proud, and more than anything else, she didn’t want to need anyone. I think it was the idea of losing someone else of importance that made her unwilling to reach to out to people. She didn’t believe me when I told her I wouldn’t leave, but she couldn’t know my truth. My heart was forever bound to hers and she was the only one with the power to separate us now. My will had been surrendered within the enduring and unalterable change of falling in love with her. I could not leave her now if I wanted to. Of course Bella knew none of this, not even of my love for her. It would have been too much too soon to tell her of my depth of feeling. Patience was of the utmost importance, and I could be very patient when the reward was her love.
She joked that I affected her in odd ways, that I often left her feeling incoherent and overwhelmed and temporarily hypnotized. She did the same to me. One look from those eyes could freeze me in my tracks. She was beautiful and alluring without trying and when she tried I was at a loss to not give her everything she asked of me. She was inimitable. She was nonpareil. She was everything.
When I picked her up from gym on Thursday she had tied back her hair in a ponytail. She was breathtaking. I had never seen her with her hair pulled up off her neck, and with her cheeks flushed pink from gym, her delicacy and beauty were exquisite. Later that day when I kissed her I could not resist the call of her bare skin there, running my fingers along her neck, cupping and caressing it, but it wasn’t enough to ease the pull fully. In my attempts to channel my need for her, I entwined my fingers into her glossy hair and pulled it back to her neck and held both for as long as Bella would allow me. I felt obvious and desperate and couldn’t bring myself to care, just lost in her affection and our connection, and soothed that the pull had finally ceased.
Seeing her cry nearly broke me. It was agonizing like no other thing I’d ever known, and I felt entirely helpless to ease her pain. I did my best to soothe her with gentle caresses and comforting words, drying her tears and assuring her I would take whatever she could give. When that didn’t work I kissed her, pouring all of my emotion and love into my actions, hoping to convey my words and reassert the idea that I would not leave her and that I was more than willing to accept her just as she was, broken as she called it. She was not broken to me, just scared, and understandably so. She was so afraid to risk too much and be or inflict hurt along the way that she was willing to hold on to the idea of what could be rather than chase what she really desired. She did not need to be afraid. We would find a way to make us work.
The difference in her kiss was vivid. When our lips first met she was unresponsive; her kiss was little more than obsequious and mechanical. I simply pushed past the negativity, refusing to accept her non-reaction and poured more feeling into my actions. It took only a small bit of patience before her lips awoke under mine and kissed me back with ardency and adulation. Her kiss told me all of the things she couldn’t say, thank you and love me and I’m sorry and I need you. I would never stop needing her and wanting more of whatever she would give to me. It was the most precious gift.
When she ran her hands beneath my jacket the sensation was divine. Had it not been such an emotional fragile moment for her, I would have mirrored the same contact on her. I longed to touch her further, to touch every part of her body and soul, but I didn’t even know if I was capable of it without hurting her. I knew my control was paramount in our intimacy, and the force and overwhelming nature of everything between us put onerous demands on my restraint. I was going to have let go of my reticence to keep my love for Bella to myself and consult Carlisle. If anyone would know if I was even capable of intimate contact with Bella it would be Carlisle. I’m sure that he noticed the highs and lows of my temperament lately but had remained silent out of respect for my privacy. It would make him happy to know of this extraordinary change in my life.
The guilt of keeping my secret from Bella was becoming increasingly more difficult to bear because I hated lying to her. She mentioned in passing that she was sure there were things that she didn’t know about me and it was like a slap of reality in the face for me. There were so many differences between her kind and mine that I had to explain with lies. It went against my very nature and my love for her. I wanted her to know as much of me as I was allowed to show her. I doubted that she could ever care enough about me to look past what I was, and I struggled with the unfairness of it all. Had I not been turned, I would not have become a vampire nor have ever have met her, instead dying at the appropriate time in my life. It seemed somehow that I was destined to love Bella and yet, the cruelty of fate had twisted our futures in such a gnarled and wicked way that the likelihood of a happily ever after teetered unstably and volatile with every interaction. The state of non-life that I lived in for so long was easier in that I had nothing to lose, nothing I valued enough to lose. Now there was a significant chance that I could lose the only thing that had ever mattered and I’d never been so terrified.
Bella agreed to have lunch with me again today and we were having a lovely time together until Alice showed up. I heard her approaching, her alarmed mental tone was easily discernable from the gush of voices in my head. ‘Edward, I need to talk to you immediately.’
“Hello people,” Alice called. I shot her a glance to ask her what was bothering her. ‘I need to talk to you alone Edward,’ she informed me. I shrugged infinitesimally to let her know that I had no intention of leaving Bella’s side and she proceeded to help herself to the seat between Bella and I. I bit back a growl at her intrusion. “What’s shaking?”
‘I had them again Edward.’ I glared at her. I could read minds, but I couldn’t predict them. She was going to have to give me a little bit more than that if she wanted me to understand. Bella must have seen the face I made at Alice because her toes stroked my leg a little more firmly, trying to soothe me. Under normal circumstances it would have worked, but Alice’s intrusion and vagueness were irritating me.
“Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday.” Bella’s voice was cheerful. She was happy to see Alice, so I tried to relax in spite of Alice’s alarm.
‘The visions, Edward, the visions.’ I quirked an eyebrow and waited for her to let me in. It was the only way I would understand what she meant without coming out and asking. If I wanted to keep our silent conversation private then I couldn’t say anything that Bella could hear. “And here I am,” Alice joked, smiling widely at Bella, and then turned her face towards me. “Edward,” she nodded, trying to disguise her intensity as amusement. ‘Look.’ I began to watch in horror at the pictures - me holding Bella’s dead body, my crimson irises, Charlie’s horror struck face, a funeral, a headstone, and my home, empty and deserted. Anger flashed in my eyes as everything around me went red.
I tried to control my reaction to what she’d shown me but I was staggered. “Alice,” I practically growled through my gritted teeth.
‘They are getting worse and more frequent.’ More information I didn’t want or know what to do with. My mind searched furiously for what could have changed the future so drastically. Alice turned her attention to Bella.
“So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Alice watched me for an answer but I gave none. ‘You can’t ignore this Edward. This is Bella’s life we’re talking about. You aren’t the only one who loves her you know. I love her. Charlie loves her. You have to do something to stop it.’ I rolled my eyes at her absurdity. Of course I would do something, I just didn’t immediately know what it was. Alice glared at me angrily, silently defending her friend’s life.
I tuned out their conversation and painstakingly searched every thought I’d had that day, weighing and considering each word against Alice’s visions. I was lost in my head and stayed silent while they spoke, contemplating my actions and decisions. The only difference I could come up with was the date with Bella. We would be alone and away from school, but we had been alone away from school before. There had to be some other difference I was overlooking.
“I signed you up for the class ski trip.”
Alice’s words pierced through my preoccupation.
“You did what?” Bella yelled in shock.
“You signed her up for skiing?” I barked. Alice was angry with me for risking Bella’s life and she was putting Bella into another dangerous situation.
“I can’t ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days,” Bella announced. She was right. It was a thoughtless thing for Alice to do. I understood her desire to spend time with Bella but this was not the way to do it.
“Have you ever tried skiing?” Alice wondered. ‘Think Edward!’ she demanded. I bared my teeth at her but stopped short of snarling.
“No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?” Bella said sarcastically.
“Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you.” She smiled sweetly at Bella, trying to win her over. I wanted to whisk Bella out of the cafeteria and away from Alice’s influence. I knew Bella would feel responsible to Alice and want to please her. She was already in enough danger. I didn’t not want her taking more risks. ‘So you’re just going to let her die then? If you’re going to do that then at least change her. That would be more humane than death, and since you claim to love her at least you could keep her.’
My jaws snapped shut at her thought and I tightened my eyes and glared angrily at her. “No Alice. Bella doesn’t need Jazz’s help.” My tone was full of condemnation and it wasn’t lost on her.
“Edward, hush. Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella.” Alice was doing a much better job of hiding her emotions than I was. ‘I’m sorry Edward but you just don’t seem to be taking this seriously enough.’ She flipped through the visions again and I bit back a wince.
“She’s not going Alice,” I declared, aiming my anger over her hasty and thoughtless assumptions at Alice.
“Yes, she is Edward,” Alice bit back. ‘Have you thought about what it’s going to do to you if you take her life Edward? You’ll never forgive yourself.’
“Do I get a vote?” Bella squeaked. Both Alice and I turned to look at Bella. She was visibly uncomfortable listening to us argue, and I felt guilty for upsetting her. I should have done a better job at controlling myself.
“Bella, it’s not safe for you to go skiing,” I murmured, knowing she would not like hearing me make decisions for her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I only wanted her safe.
“She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine Bella.” Alice was conveniently ignoring the risks. I was reasonably sure that the only reason Alice couldn’t see Bella getting hurt skiing was because the event that triggered the visions of Bella’s death was blocking that path. ‘She’s safer skiing than she is with you.’ I was mortified by her thought because at the moment it was true. I would never forgive myself if I hurt Bella and right now I seemed to be the biggest threat to her welfare.
“I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all,” Bella conceded, and I was flooded with relief.
“See Alice? She doesn’t want to go,” I said decidedly, trying to get Alice to give up her foolish plans.
“I wasn’t finished Edward,” Bella murmured, trying very hard to control her irritation. “What I was going to say was that if it’s important to you Alice, I’ll try…”
“Oh yay!” Alice was so happy with Bella’s decision that she clapped. I rolled my eyes at her immaturity. ‘See, Edward? She wants to go.’
“What is it with you two and your interrupting?” Bella snapped, no longer able to contain her anger. “I’ll try it out if you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge.”
“You won’t.” Alice smiled sweetly at Bella and I had to bite back a growl. ‘Whatever plans you’ve made with her, you’d better back off Edward. You’re going to hurt her. Until you know what’s coming, you need to leave well enough alone.’ Alice glared at me, letting her words sink in. I couldn’t just leave things as they were. Bella was not going to give me another chance at our date. I had to move forward with our plans or risk losing her. Our future hinged on that date. Surely I had enough control to take Bella out on one simple date and not hurt her. I would hold back. I would remain physically distant and avoid any position that put her at the slightest risk of me losing control.
“Will you two fucking stop that?” Bella demanded. “You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!”
I regretted my decision to not excuse myself to speak privately with Alice. Instead we had both been extremely rude to Bella and we both knew it. I tried to return Bella’s soothing touch by stretching my leg out under the table and stroking her calf as she had mine. She seemed to relax slightly under my touch. “I’m sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that’s no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice,” I declared, remorseful and guilty.
“Me too,” Alice whispered, never lifting her eyes from the tabletop.
“Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments,” Bella suggested, trying to cover over her anger with sarcastic humour. Alice was staring at me again, showing me the visions, and trying to spur me into action. All she was really doing was making me feel impossibly more guilty and helpless. I didn’t need to see the visions endlessly to remember them. They were burned into my brain long ago. I hadn’t felt even a stirring of that primal instinct since the night in the clearing when I realized I was in love with Bella. Even now I felt none of that once familiar desire for her blood. That’s not to say that she didn’t smell appealing to me or set my body off in the same ways, more that I felt fully in control of my faculties. More than controlled, I felt relaxed and peaceful with Bella. There was nothing in Alice’s visions that suggested what the problem could be either, only the end result. “Don’t test me people, I will bitch slap you.”
“Alice was just leaving,” I suggested curtly, continuing to glare at Alice in an effort to get her to turn off the painful visions that she had flipping through her mind on an endless repeat.
“No, you know what? I’m leaving. I’ll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don’t want to be in the middle of you two any more.” Bella had reached her boiling point and I couldn’t blame her. Our behaviour had been atrocious, but I still didn’t want to be away from her.
“Bella, no, you don’t have to leave,” I pleaded quietly, staring into her eyes so she might see how abominable I felt and just how sorry I was. She looked terribly hurt and I could tell she was not ready to forgive either one of us.
“Yes, I do Edward. I don’t like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you.” I knew that opposing her was futile. She’d already made up her mind. I was better off to give her some space and time to calm down than press her in her current state of agitation.
“You’re not,” Alice insisted. She obviously wasn’t as perceptive about Bella’s moods. A brief flash of pride surged in knowing how Bella would react. I had no right to feel it. Bella was still in danger, even if I did know her mind.
“Talk it over and finish it please,” Bella declared curtly. She left without another word, throwing her food away and disappearing while I watched her from the table. I felt rather hopeless. Seeing her walk away and being helpless to stop her felt like a universal reminder that she was not mine, like a metaphor for my fear of losing her.
“I hope you’re happy,” Alice whispered.
“Of course I’m not happy Alice,” I hissed. “Please don’t deprecate me. I have enough to deal with. Surely if you’ve seen my future you can’t doubt my love for Bella.”
“I don’t,” she admitted. “But you need to find a way to keep Bella safe, even if you are the danger.” She didn’t want to hurt me but the fact that she believed me capable of hurting Bella was painful to me.
“We are supposed to go out tonight…a date…for dinner…”
“You’re taking her out to eat?” Alice asked in shock. “That’s a little ironic don’t you think?” She snorted delicately.
“Please Alice,” I snarled angrily. “This is not the time for jokes. I have done nothing I can think of that would put Bella at that great a risk with me. I honestly don’t even feel the urge the same way I once did. It all changed when I fell in love with her.”
“She doesn’t appeal to you?” Alice wondered.
“She still smells the same but I don’t feel the urge to act on it. Believe it or not she has a very calming influence on me. I feel peaceful when I’m with her.”
“Well when was the last time you fed?” she wondered.
“A couple of days, maybe three.” I tried to remember the exact day but it seemed so unimportant that I couldn’t pull it from my mind in exactness.
“Well maybe you should hunt then, before your date I mean. It can’t hurt right?” Alice was trying to be supportive, and she was right. It was not possible to hunt too often to keep Bella safe. “I can come with you if you want?”
We made plans to hunt after school. It was much more dangerous in the daylight. We would have to be extra careful. Between the two of us, with my mind reading and her ability to see the future we would find a way to be safe and remain undetected. I was sure of it. “Thank you Alice. I would like the company. Would you mind if I went to go find Bella. I really feel like I need to apologize to her for my behaviour.”
“No, go,” she insisted with a small smile. “I’m sorry about the visions. I hate causing you pain. I only want you to be prepared you know?”
“I know,” I assured her. “And thank you. I’ll see you in an hour.”
A sincere apology was all it took to be granted Bella’s forgiveness and I was grateful that I hadn’t offended her more deeply. I never wanted to be the cause of pain in her life. As we walked to class she mentioned a shift in the time of our date. There was still plenty of time to hunt before the date and with Alice’s help it would likely go even more quickly. I assured her it was no problem.
I spent the entirety of biology staring at Bella and studying every beautiful detail of her features. She must have blushed a half dozen times amidst our looks and I longed to ask her what she was thinking even though I was sure she’d never tell me. After class I told her I had to leave to take care of something and said goodbye to her outside the gym. Leaving her was becoming increasingly more difficult, and considering the facts that came to light today I felt the need to protect her even more strongly. She seemed sad that she wouldn’t see me after school and I wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek to reassure her, but I reminded myself of her desire for privacy. I did my best to convey my love for her in the way I looked at her. I wasn’t as good as it as she was, but I hoped that she could sense it.
The decision to hunt felt like the right one, and within the context of protecting Bella from my nature, it was. The unseasonably warm weather had brought out the backpackers so Alice and I strayed further away from home than we normally would have, just to be safe. Alice was on strict guard, concentrating on my immediate future while I hunted, looking for safety and nothing else. It was my first mistake. She was so focused on the moment that she didn’t look far enough out. I was just finishing with my kill when I saw the sun, breaking through the clouds with an unexpected intensity. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. I squinted at it and turned my head to Alice. She was in a trance and completely unaware of the brightness that strained against her closed eyes.
“Alice,” I called to her, alarmed.
Her eyes snapped open and her head turned gradually in my direction, and slowly her eyes widened in shock. She closed her eyes and furrowed her brow, her face squeezed together in concentration as her hands came to rest on her temples. I watched the images flip, filled with anxiety. The sun would trap us. Our expected path home was not maneuverable without the aide of cloud cover, and the more obvious alternate routes where blocked in various spots by back packers and even a group of school children on a field trip. I was overcome, falling to my knees and covering my head with my arms. This could not be happening. If I could not get to Bella to warn her, or change our plans, she would never forgive me. She did not give her trust easily, and if it appeared that I stood her up, the small amount of trust we’d built would be lost forever.
“Alice, did you bring your phone?” I was desperate. I would call Carlisle for help. He would help me without any questions and I could explain the circumstances later.
“No Edward, I didn’t think to bring it. Sorry,” she whispered remorsefully. That was my second mistake. I never brought my phone when I hunted but I should have been more prepared given the gravity of the day.
“I didn’t either,” I admitted quietly. I could hear Alice’s thoughts. They echoed my own. She knew what this would do to Bella, and to my chances with her. “It really does feel like I’m challenging fate at every turn trying to be with her.” I should have been prepared for anything. I should have known that I could not count on any situation to be easy or occur without problems.
“No, that’s not true. This is my fault. I should have looked wider out, challenged a larger number of questions. I was too resigned to the idea that the hunt was the most dangerous risk for us. I wasn’t looking for the weather. Maybe if I’d concentrated more on Bella…” Her voice trailed off and I watched the images flip in her mind again as she focused on Bella. She was in front of a mirror, doing her hair, pulling it in large chunks through some sort tool. She looked happy…excited…beautiful. She was wearing a lovely blue sweater that complimented the paleness of her skin perfectly. “She looks happy,” Alice whispered, even though she knew I could see it for myself.
“Mmm,” I agreed solemnly. She pushed further forward, pulling out an image of Bella at the restaurant, watching the sunset start over the Pacific. She handed a leather billfold to a waitress with a tight smile, seemingly knowing I wouldn’t make it or giving up on me. I hated the thought of hurting her, of disappointing her. I could deal with her anger, but not her upset. “Alice, can you…tears. Will there be tears?” I hated to ask but I needed to know how upset she would be.
“No, no tears that I can see, not based on what you’re thinking anyway. If you change your plans then I can’t promise she won’t cry. Right now all I see is anger.” At least there was that. I knew the impossible obstacle I was up against.
We set out for home, weaving and avoiding and looping through the forest homeward. I was irritated by the number of people we had to run around. The forest was like home to me and they felt like intruders today. I felt the need to rush, which was a pointless action. The sun would still hold me captive and prevent me from getting to Bella. I pondered risking the exposure but I knew I couldn’t. My skin would frighten Bella. Her anger at my lateness would be easier to combat than her disgust at what I was.
When we finally arrived home I changed my clothing swiftly and waited in the Volvo. As soon as Alice signalled that I was safe I took off after Bella. She was already on her way home as I tried to intercept her. She would not acknowledge my presence although I was quite sure she’d seen my car in her rear view mirror. She pulled her truck into the driveway instead of parking at the curb as she normally did. It didn’t occur to me what she was doing until she parked the truck right up beside the house and by then I was too late to prevent it. She flew from the car and into the house, slamming the door with a resounding thud that rattled the storm door. She was safe inside the house but I had no idea how to get to her now.
I made my way to the porch and knocked softly on the door. I knew she wouldn’t answer but I didn’t know what else to do. There were no sounds coming from the house so I had no hint about what she might be doing. I knocked a second time, more loudly but still respectfully. “Bella,” I called softly. “I’m very sorry. Please let me explain and apologize.”
There was no reply, and my ears registered no movement or sounds of any kind. I walked around to the side of the house and knocked on the side door, repeating the same soft knock that went unanswered, a harder knock that was also ignored and called her name with an apology, that also went unacknowledged.
I pulled out my cell and dialed her number. I heard her footfalls on the steps, and then shuffling along the floor towards the ringing telephone. “Hello?” she answered in a hushed tone.
“I’m sorry Bella. Please let me explain.” The phone went dead. Truthfully I didn’t know what I would say. I had no truthful explanation I could share but at least now she knew that I was aware that she was inside.
“Bella please talk to me. I know you’re in there. I can explain.” Whether I could explain fully enough to get her to forgive me was entirely another question. As expected, there was no reply.
I pulled out my cell again and redialled the house number. I could hear it ringing from inside the house and I let the ringing continue, knowing she wouldn’t answer the call but knowing also that the ringing phone would irritate her. I wasn’t sure that I should be pushing her in her already agitated state but I had few options before me that were doable. In the past, irritation had always provoked a response eventually.
“I’m not going anywhere until you at least talk to me.”
“Fuck you!” she growled. Her voice came from far away, perhaps upstairs. I don’t think I was meant to hear her, but she didn’t know how sensitive my ears were.
“At least let me explain please,” I called sweetly. Even I was starting to get irritated by the ringing phone. “I’m just going to let it ring until you answer it.”
“Asshole,” she muttered. I heard movement again, the creak of what I assumed was the stairs and her socks scuffling along the carpet. “That’s what you think,” she whispered under her breath. Then there was a small bang followed by a sharp snapping sound. The ringing stopped. She must have pulled the cord of the phone out.
“Damaging Charlie’s property isn’t going to make me stop,” I explained. I heard her huff and then the shift of furniture moving along the floor. I assumed that she must have sat down in the kitchen rather than go back upstairs. She must have believed me that I wasn’t going away, and I began to hope that I was softening her resolve.
“Bella, please let me in,” I petitioned softly. “If you still want me to go after I apologize then I promise to leave.”
“Why don’t you just leave now asshole? There is no fucking way I’m talking to you,” she whispered. I found her audible self-talk endearing and rather ironic. It was exactly the sort of thing I would normally hear from someone’s thoughts, but I’d never been able to hear Bella’s. Whether it was her anger or irritation that was feeding the constant babble of ideation I wasn’t sure, but I was grateful nonetheless.
“I’m not leaving,” I corroborated her thought. “Not until you talk to me.”
“Like I’d give you the fucking chance to talk to me.” I stifled a laugh since she was doing just that. “Leave me sitting at the fucking restaurant all by myself,” she muttered.
“I was with Alice. We got stuck…” I wasn’t sure how much more I should say. Anything more and I would be lying. “I would have called but I forgot my cell.”
“Of course you conveniently forgot your cell,” she sneered, imitating my voice to express her annoyance.
“I would have called Bella. You know me. I’m not the sort of man to stand a woman up.” I tried to sound confident without being overbearing. I wondered if she was even able to see things from my point of view in her angry state of mind. If she thought about it, she would know I was not the sort of man to be disrespectful to a woman, or at least I hoped that she would know that.
“I’m not the sort of man to stand up a woman,” she mocked under her breath.
I opened the screen door and stepped to the heavy wooden door, knocking lightly. “You know me Bella.”
“I thought I did,” she murmured. All I could hear now was her sadness. I had disappointed her and she had lost faith in me.
“You do. Please open the door Bella.” I banged loudly on the door in frustration. “Please?”
“Go away!” she yelled. I sighed lightly. At least she was speaking to me now.
“Bella, please just give me the chance to explain and if you’re still angry with me then I’ll leave. I promise.”
“I don’t want your fucking explanation Cullen. I want you to go away!”
“You don’t mean that. I know I screwed up Bella. This is my fault. You know I wouldn’t have done that to you if there was any way to prevent it.”
I heard her feet shuffling against the carpet and when she spoke her voice was much louder. “There was!” she snapped. “Don’t fucking ask me out on a date when you don’t plan to show up.”
“Bella, you can’t think I would ask you out and then purposely not show up. I’m not cruel.”
“Yes, you are Edward. You’re a fucking prick.”
“I know you’re angry. If it makes you feel better to call me names then go ahead. I apologize for being late. If there were any way to prevent it I would have. You know I wanted to be there Bella…to be with you.”
“I don’t know shit Cullen. Wait! I take that back. I know I showed up where I was supposed to, looked like a fucking fool sitting by myself waiting for my date to show up and he never did.”
“I’m here now,” I offered, since the apologies didn’t seem to be working.
“Go home Edward,” she yelled.
“I’m not going anywhere Bella.”
“You said if I let you explain that you’d go away if I didn’t want you here. I heard you. You were with Alice and couldn’t call. Now go away!”
“I asked you to open the door so I could speak to you and then, if after I explained, you still wanted me to go home I would. Please Bella. Just let me speak to you instead of to this damn door.”
The door flew open. “I fucking heard you,” she growled. “Now go away.”
I reached out for her hand without thinking. I just wanted to try and soothe her, but because she was angry she didn’t want me to touch her. She was tugging on her wrist immediately, trying to get it out of my grasp. “I’m so sorry Bella. Look in my eyes,” I requested softly and sincerely. “You’ll see I’m not lying.” I let her pull her wrist from my hand because I would have hurt her if I tried to hold on with the way she was pulling.
“I don’t think you’re lying. I just don’t give a shit.” Her eyes were ablaze with her anger.
“I don’t believe you,” I whispered, knowing she way lying but still feeling hurt as if it were the truth. “I know you care for me and I know I hurt you by being late and I’m very sorry Bella.”
“Fine,” she spat. “Apology accepted. Now leave!”
I didn’t understand why she was pushing me away if she was forgiving my lateness. “If you accept my apology, then why do you want me to leave?”
“You’re not hearing me Cullen. I…don’t…give…a...shit.” She said each word angrily, distinctly, over enunciating each syllable as if I were stupid and wouldn’t understand the words.
“What do you mean?” I prodded, understanding the words but not the reason.
“I mean just what I said. I don’t give a shit,” she explained matter-of-factly. “I don’t care enough to waste my time making small talk with you. There’s no reason for you to stay, which is why I said you should go, so buh-bye.” She waved her hand and shot me a sarcastic glare to emphasize her point.
“You know I don’t believe you,” I replied, trying to sound as casual as she did. “You’re just angry.”
“Humiliated, yes. Angry, no,” she denied. “A date was a stupid idea. You saved me the hassle of trying to make two hours of small talk and watching you speak with parsley in your teeth not knowing what to say. So…really…just thank you. Now go…”
“Bella,” I impugned.
“It’s not going to work Edward,” she informed me decidedly. “Give it up.”
“Give what I up?” I asked arrogantly, having trouble controlling my emotions against her lies. “You’re the one who’s hiding.”
“Fuck you,” she spat. “In fact, screw your whole damn attitude while you’re at it.”
“Angry, just like I said,” I stated smugly. “If you truly think the date was a bad idea, then prove it. Kiss me.”
“I have nothing to prove,” she declared flatly.
“Humour me then,” I challenged. “If you truly have so little interest in me, then show me by kissing me like you’d kiss any other. If I mean nothing to you, then shouldn’t it be evident in your kiss?”
“You are so fucking full of yourself,” she seethed. She was trying very hard to sound disgusted but I knew she was just hiding behind her anger and hurt. If I could get her to kiss me then I might have a chance at breaking through her anger. At this point it was the only hope I had.
“Maybe I am,” I allowed, “but I still want proof.”
“Fuck your proof!”
I went into overload and turned on all my allure knowing Bella would be susceptible to it. I worked hard to layer my expression with confidence and desire and charm. I hoped it would be enough to call her bluff. “Please Bella, for the sake of argument.”
“Will you leave then?” she demanded angrily, her hands on her hips.
“Yes.” I amended the arrangement in my mind. I would leave if I was satisfied that it was what she really wanted and only if she was telling the truth.
“Fine,” she spat. She stepped forward and pushed up on to her toes and kissed me forcefully on the cheek. I chuckled, amused by her very transparent attempt to dodge kissing me.
“I assumed you knew I meant on the lips,” I iterated in a purr. I smiled at her, her favourite smile, the one I knew affected her the most strongly.
“Whatever,” she hissed. She grabbed my jaw forcibly and pulled my face towards her, crushing her lips to mine. It was not at all like the way she normally kissed me. There was no passion behind it, no feeling whatsoever. She merely wanted to get it over with and held her breath, shoving her mouth at mine haphazardly and mechanically. She pulled back from me and poured on the sarcasm. “Happy?”
I wiped my mouth brashly and purposefully, knowing it would bother her. I wasn’t trying to irritate her. I wanted her to know she hadn’t fooled me with her lacklustre effort. “Really Bella, you can do better than that,” I suggested. “Kiss me like you mean it.”
She rolled her eyes and then shot me a glare, and I smiled back at her sweetly. Again she pushed up on to her toes and I inclined my head towards hers, anticipating the kiss as she brought her lips to mine. Her lips were softer this time, more hesitant, but different somehow. At first I couldn’t put my finger on the anomaly and resigned myself to kiss her back using my feelings for her, and tried to ignore the alienness of her kiss. I hoped that if I was patient that I would be able to break through her anger, but then I realized the difference. She was holding back, not in effort, but in feeling. She wasn’t allowing herself to enjoy the kiss, forcing herself to go through the motions in a disengaged fashion and I was infuriated. I understood her anger. I understood that she felt that I had wronged her intentionally. I even understood on some level her need to push people away to protect herself, a twisted form of self-preservation if you will. What I could not understand was why she would wilfully withdraw her feelings from the kiss just to be right. Was it so important to her to prove me wrong that she was willing to disregard the feelings between us and live a lie? I wasn’t demanding that she love me, simply asking that she allow herself to be truthful with how she felt.
My arms wound around her waist and I pulled her to my body. She thudded dully against my body, and her arms hung limply at her sides. It was just more proof that she was holding back emotionally. She didn’t try to touch me in any way. She allowed me to tuck her body into mine, but she did not press herself against me, as she normally would have. I flicked my tongue against her forced kiss, and she parted her lips slightly, allowing me to push my tongue into her mouth. I was met with no resistance. Her tongue mingled with mine minimally, no pressing, no twirling or fighting. If not for her taste on my tongue I wouldn’t even be sure that we were involved in a kiss of that depth. It was completely one-sided.
I pulled her more tightly to me, too tightly, struggling against my anger. She fashioned no response of any kind, no tiny whimpers or tightening of her non-grip or increased pressure from her lips. My frustration was exploding inside of me exponentially. I didn’t know how to fight against her stubbornness. All I knew was that I did not want to lose her. I let one hand stray up her back, tangling into her long hair, and twirled it around my fingers. It did nothing to change her holdback, but everything to ignite my own desire. I moved my hand to her neck, pushing and pulling her hair every which way so I could make contact with her skin, moaning softly against her lips when I finally felt it under my fingers. It’s warmth and silkiness was a reminder of what I stood to lose if I couldn’t get through to her. Her head moved minutely against the pressure of my hand. It wasn’t enough. I needed to bring a bigger response. I need to make her come undone.
I pulled back my intensity, softening my efforts in an attempt to reign in my anger and show her the respect and care that she deserved. I cupped her soft cheeks with my hands, stroking them with my thumbs while I kissed her softly, reverently, and lovingly. I sucked gently on her bottom lip, persuading it between my lips with a delicate pressure, sweeping my tongue across the length of it tenderly. I could feel her face tense and pull back the tiniest bit but I couldn’t tell if it was a positive or negative response. I released her lip and kissed her again, pushing against her tongue, testing her responsiveness. Her tongue acquiesced but offered nothing in return. I dropped my hands from her cheeks and snaked my arms around her waist. I wanted to make her feel safe and loved but I was failing. Every movement was passive. I was at a loss. I couldn’t make her feel anything and I was going under, overwhelmed by anger and dread and helplessness.
I ripped my arm from around her waist and forced one of her arms up my body, pressing and flattening her hand against my neck, silently willing a response from her while I pressed against her tongue with my own, growing more desperate for her affection. She did not remove her arm from around my neck, but it lay there involuntarily and lifeless. I bit back a growl at her intentional disregard and unresponsiveness. I pressed myself into her body further. I could feel every part of her against my body, her breasts crushed against my chest, her hips straining against my thighs. She felt right against me, like she belonged there. Why couldn’t she feel it too? And if she could feel it, then how could she resist it? I started to question everything, searching furiously for the action that would sever her disassociation. I pushed her other arm up my body in a similar fashion but there was no change, just a complete vapidity. I pulled back from her mouth and growled against her lips. “Kiss me dammit!”
My mouth came down on hers roughly, confronting her unwillingness and denouncing her apathy, daring her to not hold back. I had no purchase so I grabbed at her hips and pulled her out of the doorway, backing her up to siding of the house. I pressed my body into hers again, using the unforgiving surface to sandwich her against me. I was using everything I had in me to goad her reaction and still she remained unmoved by my actions. My finger found her chin and pulled it upwards, repositioning the angle of her head, and I forced my tongue into her mouth deeply, letting the weight of my body rest against hers. The quietest of moans slipped from her throat, passing from her lips like a life preserver, and suddenly everything in me was alive again, all of my love and desire and that pull that belonged only to her.
I could feel her hip bones under my fingertips, and spurred by her soft moan, I let my fingers stretch upwards, hooking under the wool of her sweater, searching out what I had no right to take but desperately needed. My fingertips grazed the waistband of her trousers, and though I knew I was being reckless and that I should stop to keep her safe, I did not. I allowed my fingers to drift upwards and knead into the warmth of the skin of her hips. She gasped loudly against my mouth and simultaneously everything changed. Her tongue moved against mine, reckless and dynamic, and I moaned in pleasure and triumph and relief. Her hands knitted into my hair and she yanked it hard and angrily. I grimaced and tried to remain unaffected because I knew she thought I deserved her anger. I would rather suffer in silence with an angry and alive Bella than have her return to the passivity and obsequiousness of the girl that had finally disappeared. Her hips pressed against my hands, filling my fingers with more of her silky warm skin and I groaned, unable to control my lust-filled reaction to the feel of her bare skin.
Like every time I touched her, I ached for more. I slid my hands upwards, tracing the curve of her hip, fondling her delicate flesh with my fingertips as they moved along her skin. She hissed at the contact and pulled her body to mine more tightly. There was such divine relief in the feeling of her reacting to me. I revelled in the force of her tongue as it pressed against mine passionately and the pressure of her diminutive form as she tucked it into the contours of my body willingly. I pushed my hands to her waist, glossing over her delicate curves and bringing my hands to rest on the small of her back. Every stroke of my hand filled me with such ardent desire that I knew I had to still my hands or I would lose complete control. She urged me on with her hands, bringing them to my waist and yanking out my shirttails. Her hands swooped under my shirt avariciously, in search of the same thing I had been. Her hands trailed up my sides, pressing and feeling and caressing every inch they could reach. The contact was glorious.
She wasn’t happy with my still hands, whimpering and grinding her hips into my body. Just like me she wanted more, one touch was never enough. I allowed my hands to slide upwards from her lower back, breezing over her skin with feathery caresses. I could feel every bit of her there between my hands, the bumps of her spine and the fabric of her bra and the soft perfection of her exquisite skin, so warm and smooth and desirous under my fingers. It would have been the sweetest surrender to just let go into that moment, but I knew I couldn’t. I was already risking Bella’s safety by testing my control. As much as I wanted more, I knew I could not take more tonight.
Her hands smoothed over my skin and I could feel her body pulling away from mine as her fingertips drifted between us and across my chest. I mentally battled with her physical displacement, wrestling with my fear that she was still resisting us. It’s what she did. I wanted to keep her in the moment, keep her focused on her feelings and away from her thoughts. I pulled her hips against me and eased up on my kiss, taking her top lip between my own and sucking gently. My focus was wavering under the sensation of her touch as she followed my musculature with her hands, tracing the indentations of each contour with a light pressure, as if she were reading Braille. I moved my hands along her back, glossing up and down, over and over again, caught up in the intensity and pleasure and excitement between us. Her fingers found my nipples, circling around the aroused flesh, stroking it repeatedly and I hissed at the titillation. I felt her lips pull into a smile against my mouth. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was rejoicing in the ability to elicit a reaction.
My tongue pushed against hers again, and she twirled and fought and pressed against my efforts with equality. I removed one hand from underneath her sweater and buried it in the hair at her neck, pushing her face to mine and pressing her against my body with the hand on her back. She moaned softly and I was nearly undone, dangerously close to losing control. The only thing holding me back from complete submission was my desire to keep her safe. I wanted to own every bit of her.
She pulled back suddenly, perhaps intuitively sensing my circumscription, letting her hands fall down my body, caressing my stomach on her way by before removing her hands from under my shirt. Her tongue pushed mine out, closing her mouth off but continuing to kiss me softly with swollen puckered lips. Her kisses were sweeter, reverent, and satisfying, like licking your fingers after eating chocolate or candy so you can enjoy every last bit of the sweet treat. Finally she pushed me away gently, using her hands on my chest to space our bodies. We were both panting, chests heaving against one another, so I understood the need for the separation even if I hated it. I opened my eyes to see her staring at me with dark iniquitous eyes. I stared back at her, trying to understand what she was showing me, but I did not.
After a few moments she stepped away form me completely, smoothing out her sweater and tossing her hair over her shoulder. “There. You got what you came for, so you can leave,” she announced harshly.
“What I came for?” I asked, confused by her abrupt shift in mood once again.
“You apologized. I kissed you like you asked. We both know that’s what you came for…to get off. So go on home now, you got what you came for.”
“Bella? You can’t think…” She cut me off before I had a chance to repudiate her accusation.
“Seriously, get the fuck out. We aren’t ever going to be more than this.” She moved her hand back and forth between us, referring to our physical closeness and the explosive heat that seemed to burn between us. “And I don’t care enough about it to work this hard. It’s just too fucking big a headache.” She turned to leave and I grabbed her wrist. Her eyes shot to mine with that same warning glare that she’d given me that day in the supply closet at school. She pulled her wrist back from me and rubbed it unconsciously, and although I was sure I hadn’t hurt her I was dumbfounded by her actions. “I’ll see you around Cullen.”
She disappeared into the house leaving me reeling and alone on the porch. I stood there a long while, hours possibly, trying to understand her actions. There was no fear that she did not care for me, nor was there any doubt that she had been lying through her teeth when she suggested she didn’t care. I knew she was stubborn though, and what I doubted was whether she would ever allow herself to take a chance again.
I wanted to make sure she was okay before I left and the door was not an option. I could not afford to leave any evidence of my trespassing. I scaled the house easily, using the porch’s overhang to hoist myself up to the second floor. As luck would have it, the window that I stood in front of was hers. I slid it open and climbed in to her bedroom quietly. She was on the bed, still fully clothed, her earbuds in her ears, although no music was playing. As I stood in the corner watching her sleep I was overcome with emotion. I only wanted what was best for her. Could I really be what was best for her considering my nature, her appeal and the push and pull of our relationship thus far? I couldn’t help but feel guilty and desperate. I was both. I couldn’t decide if I was simply wishing her feelings for me were deep and strong like my own, or if I was merely forcing myself into her life because of what I wanted selfishly. If I loved her as I claimed to, then her wishes should always come before mine. I contemplated my options, to stay and fight for her, to be patient and wait for her to come around, or to let her go. There were pros and cons to each choice, and as I listed them in my mind my heart was pierced by the saddest sound, a soft sob. I immediately reacted, disappearing out the window but I could not leave. I waited and listened as the sobs became louder. From the window I could see her body fighting her sorrow as her shoulders shook and her chest heaved and tears streamed from her closed eyes. She sat up suddenly, awake and upset, scrubbing her cheeks with her sweater-covered wrists to dry her tears. Her expression was alarmed and then just sad and upset when she couldn’t make the tears stop. She lamented quietly under her breath. “Why?” she whispered. “No…dammit…no...” Her voice was less than a whisper. She ripped the earbuds from her ears and threw her entire iPod across the room. Was it in anger? In resignation? In resistance? I would never know, prevented access to her mind by some wicked turn of events. Her mind was silent, always silent, and I had never wished more for her thoughts.
I watched her roll on to her side and yank the covers over her body and give into the sadness. The tears must have continued at least a half hour before she finally drifted back to sleep. I was helpless. I couldn’t comfort her; she wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t talk to her; she wouldn’t let me in. I couldn’t outwardly help her in any way. I had only one thing, my resolve to keep fighting for her. I would not let her go. I would love her and I would be trustworthy and enduring and patient and loyal. I would not give up no matter how stubborn she was or how many times she pushed me away, and if she never loved me back, then I would find a way to be happy just giving of myself to the one I loved. If that was all I would be granted then so be it, but I would never let her go.