today i feel like crawling into a deep dark hole and hiding from the world. the weight of my own longing is crushing me to death and i feel like i need to start moving on but i cant...i just cant. sean basically told me to get over myself and start living again. i'm trying, but it's not working. as katie said i just have a lot on my plate right now ( Read more... )

...i'm also mourning the loss of a friendship...someone who knows me better than i know myself. i think that is almost as painful as losing the romantic partner....

...i just miss so many things now...

...i have to leave san diego.

i think im going through extreme denial. i just dont FEEL single. maybe its because dave and my relationship was long distance for so long but this just feels like when he was in japan; i didnt hear from him for a couple weeks when he first got there. i just cant shake this feeling like he's still my boyfriend ( Read more... )

so i keep thinking about dave having a new girlfriend. as far as i know he doesnt right now, but, i have a feeling he will in the not too distant future. i think that he has his eye on one of his classmates, probably april or laura. why do i think that? well, one of the things he said was something about me not understanding his research. how ( Read more... )

i woke up this morning craving choclate pop tarts. as i still havent been eating well, i figured i should give in just to put some calories in. i got to Ralph's and grabbed my pop tarts and a small bottle of milk. i headed to the check out counter ( Read more... )

i emailed dave. i couldnt help myself. the thought of him being sad, hurting and alone in NC just broke my heart (even more). he wrote me back so we have been corresponding somewhat. his first email seemed very genuine well the second felt like he was just writing something to write something. it made me kind of sad. here i thought we were going to ( Read more... )

today i'm just depressed. i was 2 hours late for work (i had emailed my boss). everyone is started to get worried. i've lost a lot fo weight and i'm still not hungry. the food from last night made me feel sick all night and into this morning, which is why i was late for work ( Read more... )

so i decided to write Eva, dave's mom, essentially a break up note just thanking her for always being so cool to me and stuff over the many MANY years dave and i had together. around 2:30 this afternoon i received this email:

( Subj: My loving thoughts are with you )

im finally getting mad and not crying anymore. i mean, i gave my all MY ALL to this guy and he just pissed on it. i did everything i could and it wasnt enough. now he has to run around, cop out and try and "find himself"? well you know what? fuck that! you can find yourself and not bail on the person who has stood beside you for 7 years, trying her ( Read more... )

im back at work today. i might go home early though. luckilly no one is really asking why i was out. i think it might be because people dont really know my hours. my boss asked if i wanted to talk about anything but when i said: "no, not really", she totally respectfully left me alone ( Read more... )