Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 3: Flighty Broads
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: I Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence
GA: About The Humans
GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune
CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach
GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand
CG: GOD DAMMIT.
CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE.
CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW.
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
GA: Um
CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS
CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT.
CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME.
CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS!
GA: Really
GA: Weird
CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US.
GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More
GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
GA: Its About TentacleTherapist
CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN.
CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC.
CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES.
GA: You Have Notes On Them
GA: I Guess
GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat
CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader
GA: Have You Talked To The Rose Human
GA: Also
GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human
CG: OF COURSE WE DO.
CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL.
CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER.
CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO.
CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?
GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now
CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT.
CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS.
CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON.
CG: ABOUT HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE
GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept
CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER".
GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her
CG: YEAH WELL
CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION
CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.
You proceed to have your first conversation with the Rose human. It's sort of weird and confusing, and you're left with the impression that she's something of an imbecile.
let's take a look in the viewport here and OH DEAR GOD
You hope nobody caught you looking at that depraved pornography.
The Snarky Horseshitometer swings back in Rose's favor.
Maybe you should try contacting her friends instead.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT]
GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple
GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction
GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species
GT: so you're a time traveler?
GA: No
GA: Well
GA: Not All Of Us Do
GA: Thats Not What We Are Talking About Here And Is Aside From The Point
GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans?
GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace?
GA: No John You Werent Listening
GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess...
GA: What The Hell
GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe?
GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome.
GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise.
GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney?
GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really
GT: were you trolling rose too?
GT: TIME TRAVEL TROLLING???
GT: oh boy, let me go put on my quantum space hat, and extra terrestrial adventure boots, and you can tell me all about it.
GA: I Just Spoke To Her In The Future
GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression
GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation
GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On
GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes
GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works
GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like
GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.
GA: TT: you look kind of like...
GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters.
GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest
GA: TT: no, it's a movie.
GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.
GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it!
GT: now i know for sure you're trolling me. rose hates that movie.
GA: Are You Suggesting
GA: I Was Being Trolled
GT: ok well, just between you and me...
GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled.
GT: and it just might be all three of us.
GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters!
GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid
GT: listen, i'm kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry.
GT: so i'm going to block you!
GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you're kinda cool.
GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again
GT: yeah well...
GT: you might just hear from me!
GT: also, you should give rose another chance.
GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it's all in fun.
GT: there is more to her than that, you'll see.
GT: bye!
ghostlyTrickster [GT] blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
Your curiosity is piqued. Better try another time.
Earth is surprisingly pretty.
You proceed to have your second conversation with the Rose human. You feel that this one went pretty well.
You also feel there is more to these creatures than Karkat believes.
Your third conversation doesn't go as well as you'd hope. Neither do the fourth, fifth, or sixth.
Maybe it's time to enlist some help.
After conferring with one of her colleagues, you proceed to your seventh conversation with zeal, attached to which is a mission critical text document. You have finally outmaneuvered the human girl.
let's see what she's up to... later...
The Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer explodes. It simply cannot take this much horseshit.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
GA: What
GA: The Hell
GA: Did You Just Do
TT: This is it, isn't it?
TT: This is the eighth conversation between us, from your perspective.
TT: As well as mine.
GA: Yeah
TT: I've been looking forward to this.
TT: I have some questions for you.
GA: What Questions Do You Have
TT: I'll start with a simple one.
TT: Do trolls have names?
AG: What.
AG: The hell........
AG: Are you doing!!!!!!!!
AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once.
EB: but...
EB: it is bill cosby.
EB: he's back.
EB: in laptop form.
AG: Everything you do is a huge waste.
AG: A stupid pointless 8unch of w8stey w8stey w8stes.
EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all.
AG: You have important things to do!
AG: Remem8er Jade????????
EB: of course i do! jeez!
EB: ok, i'm going.
AG: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!
AG: What the fuck are you doing now!
EB: i am going to blast off and fly a little higher, to see if i can find nanna up there!
AG: You're just not supposed to do it now!
AG: You are supposed to do something else first. And then fly up. It's right here on your timeline. 8y attempting to do the thing you're not supposed to do yet, you are just wasting more of our time!!!!!!!!
EB: jeez!!!
EB: more like marquise bossyfangs.
AG: I told you, that's my role playing name, not my real one! So your weak 8urn means nothing.
AG: Now shut up and do what you are going to do next!
EB: apparently what i thought i was going to do next was wrong, so why don't you tell me?
AG: That would 8e a ridiculous way for us to do things.
EB: has it occurred to you that i might be wasting so much time because you keep pestering me telling me how much time i'm wasting?
AG: Fine. I will hold your hand every step of the way, since that's apparently how you want to do this.
AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game.
EB: but why would i do that? my ecto labsuit is rad!
AG: 8ecause you look like an idiot!
AG: You are clearly much 8etter than that. You should dress like it.
EB: why are you taking such an interest in my fashion, anyway?
AG: Trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something.
EB: laaaaaaaame.
AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a's for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you.
AG: <33333333
EB: er...
EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!!!
EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist.
EB: i am the wind waker. it's me.
AG: I know you are, John.
AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let's see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. 8ut do it fast!
Several conversations later...
GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This
GA: But Actually
GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd
GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach
TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.
GA: Okay Sorry
GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say
GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that.
TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed.
TT: But now it's stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space.
TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending?
GA: Lately
GA: Almost Perpetually
TT: I'm sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint.
GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight
GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered
TT: When exactly did you read it?
GA: By The Way
GA: What Are You Doing Here
GA: Is This Part Of Your Ongoing Investigation
TT: Yes.
TT: If there's one thing you and your friends regularly remind us, it's that time is not on our side.
GA: But I Thought Our Methods Earlier Were Effective
GA: In Illuminating The Underpinnings Of The Game
GA: You Ask Some Questions
GA: And I Answer
TT: But you don't know everything, do you?
TT: Your notes have been helpful, but the facts you've supplied are being cross-referenced with understandings I already have, and data gathered by the sort of means presently on display.
GA: But These Means Presently On Display
GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous
GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of
GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring
GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling
TT: I don't think they are as nefarious as you might imagine.
GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping
GA: Since You Began Playing
TT: Not much.
TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline.
TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality.
TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know.
TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality.
GA: Our Understanding Is That Influence From Doomed Timelines
GA: Though Seemingly Necessary To Advance In The Alpha Reality
GA: Is Generally Inauspicious
GA: Travelers From Such Branches Are Marked For Death
TT: I have assurances I'm on the right track.
TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now.
GA: Actually
GA: I Havent
GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil
GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home
GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity
GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See
TT: You didn't actually answer my question.
TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?
TT: Before you first contacted me?
GA: I Have To Confess That
GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like
GA: Impression Whiplash
GA: Since That Time
GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent
TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression.
GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About
GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now
GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons
GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice
GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit
TT: ...
GA: Uh Yeah I Know Im Babbling Again
GA: The Point Is Its Not The Type Of Behavior A Very Stupid Person Can Perpetrate
GA: And Now
GA: I Think You Might Be Dangerous
GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down
GA: And Return To Your House
GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice
TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded?
GA: Urrgh No
GA: Sadly
TT: Maybe later.
GA: What If There Isnt A Later
GA: For You Specifically
TT: Wow, what?
GA: This Was Something Else I Wanted To Say
GA: Or Ask About
GA: But Im Afraid My Asking Might Play A Role In The Outcome
GA: And I Dont Know If I Want That
TT: The outcome will happen one way or another.
TT: Whether you have something to do with it or not.
TT: You might as well ask me.
GA: Alright
GA: I Cant See You In The Future
GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point
GA: Its Black
GA: But Only For You
GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be
TT: I have no idea.
TT: I can't see the future.
TT: Is that why you want to dissuade me from my admittedly zealous investigation to go play dress-up again?
TT: And you hope what's on the other side of the dark curtain for me is not some sort of corruption or damnation?
TT: That's thoughtful of you.
TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor.
GA: Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again
GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods
GA: Fine With Me I Guess
GA: What Was Your Question
TT: What do you know about the
?
GA: Ive Never Heard Of It
TT: Thank you.
NEXT CHAPTER: Money!
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