'Approaching Normal' - Chapter Seven
Prologue *** Chapter One *** Chapter Two *** Chapter Three *** Chapter Four *** Chapter Five *** Chapter Six *** Chapter Seven
Chapter Seven - Maybe This is a Dream
‘It takes courage to struggle through your past, to accept your flaws and failure. But when you do, there is reward to be had.’
Marching purposefully into the café, I feel a little funny. I know that Karen isn’t here today, that she is out of town on business with Luke tagging along. I told Peyton what Luke had told me the other night, and explained that my curiosity was getting the better of me. She just smiled knowingly and encouraged me to do what I am doing now: finding Nathan.
That is what brings me here. Since Karen is gone for the day, I’m assuming that Deb will be here. Luke isn’t answering his phone right now - seriously, why have one if you can’t answer it? - so that leaves me with Deb as a means for finding out where Nathan is living these days. As I weave through the tables, I nearly knock over one of the patrons. To my surprise, said patron is Whitey.
“Coach!” I exclaim, steadying him on his feet under the guise of giving him a hug. “Oh, you probably don’t remember, but I - “
“Now, how could I forgot the lady Scott?” he grins easily, prompting a return smile from me. Granted, it’s a bittersweet smile after being called that, but still. It’s a smile. “Prettiest of that lot, too. How are you, my dear? What brings you back to town?”
“Well, I’m good,” I smile, unsure as to why I don’t correct him about my association with the Scott name. “I’m just back here to help a friend move. You probably remember Peyton Sawyer? Her father is selling their house.”
He smiles at the mention of Peyton’s name. “Why I sure do remember her. You give that girl my regards, you hear? A dear thing, that one.” He looks at me appraisingly. “Who are you here to see? I don’t think Nathan’ll be in today.”
Raising my eyebrows, I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Oh, well, I’m actually here to talk to Deb. I feel bad; I’ve been in town several days now, and I’ve barely said two words to her.”
“Ah,” he smiles, nodding knowingly. “Well, I’ll leave you to it, Mrs. Scott. You take care of yourself, you hear?”
I thank him, a wistful feeling of nostalgia washing over me as I watch him go. As he crosses the street, something comes over me and I dart out after him, catching up quickly. “Coach? I - can I ask you something?” He nods patiently, a kind smile on his face. “What, um, what is your take on everything that happened with Nathan?”
A dark look crosses his face briefly before it settles into a slight smile. “Ah, that boy. You could never tell with him if he’d pull it together or shoot himself in the foot. I guess he did a little bit of both, huh?” Not knowing what else to do, I nod and try not to look confused. “Well, it was bad business, real ugly, but he’s come out better than anyone could’ve hoped. I’m proud of the boy, when all is said and done. We all should be proud of him. He’s done mighty well for himself, considering the hand he was dealt.”
Even though I don’t know what he’s talking about, I say, “Too bad the one who always had the least amount of real pride in Nathan was Nathan.”
“You got that right, missy,” Whitey smiles. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a walk to take. When you see the boy, go easy on him. I think he might be a little more…gun-shy than you remember.”
Not sure how to take that, I nod, thanking him for his time. Taking a deep breath, I head back to the café, pushing through the door and going straight for the counter. My nerves want me to take a seat in a booth where Deb won’t see me right away, but I ignore those traitorous cries of cowardice.
Plopping down on one of the stools at the counter, I smile as I catch Deb’s eye. She actually glances behind her to see if I’m smiling at someone else which gives me a pretty good idea of how rude I’ve been to her since I’ve been in town. She smiles back, albeit hesitantly, and grabs a pot of coffee before making her way over to me.
“Good morning, Haley,” she greets me genially as she flips over the cup in front of me to fill it. “How are you today? Did you know that Karen is out today?”
“I did know that,” I assure her, grinning at the lovely, dark brew filling my cup. “Thanks for the coffee, by the way. And I’m fine, good. How are you?”
“Oh, well, I’m just fine, thank you,” she smiles hesitantly, looking a little nonplussed. “Are you here for more mac and cheese? We don’t start serving lunch for another hour, but I can see what I can do.”
Unable to help myself, I laugh a little. “No, no, I can’t have anymore mac and cheese. If I run into any of my cheer friends, they’d notice it all sitting right on my hips.” She laughs with me. “Actually, um, I need a favor, Deb. And you can totally tell me ‘no’, and I would absolutely understand, but I’d really appreciate your help. Besides, to be honest, I’ll find this out one way or the other, I’m just hoping that you help me so it is the easy way.”
Her eyes widen in curiosity, and she nods. “You can ask me anything, Haley. You know that.”
Well, no I don’t, but okay. “I, oh, this is hard. I feel like such a jerk, but um, can you tell me where I can find Nathan today? I saw him a few days ago, and I - I don’t want to leave things the way we did. I’d like to talk to him once more before I leave town.”
“Oh, of course, Haley!” she laughs, looking relieved. What did she think I’d ask for, a kidney? Jeez. “Actually, it’ll be easy for you to find. He’s living out at the beach house.”
Why does that actually surprise me? The way Luke had been talking I was almost afraid Nathan was living in a cardboard box at the beach, not in that mansion. “Thanks for telling me. You didn’t have to, Deb. I know that you don’t owe me anything, and the way things ended with Nathan and me - “
She lifts a hand in the air, effectively cutting me off. “No, honey, that was between you and Nathan. In fact, I was always sorry you didn’t work things out. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really happy that you two married at sixteen and seventeen, but I’ve always thought you were good for my son, too.”
“I - well, thank you. I was always sorry things didn’t work out, too,” I admit, staring into the coffee cup as I stir sugar into it. “Anyway, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “I hadn’t realized you’ve seen Nathan. He looks well these days, don’t you think? I mean, all things considered, he’s doing so well for himself. I worry, of course, and he’d hate it if he knew that, but what can you do? I’m a mother, and we worry.”
“Right,” I agree slowly, wondering what she’s on about now. “Well, we just bumped into each other once, and then he came over to Peyton’s a couple nights ago. We just talked for a bit, and I think that I wasn’t…I was probably rude, and I wanted to apologize for it. Maybe we both still need a bit of closure.”
She appraises me closely, but doesn’t comment on that statement, thankfully. Instead, she nods while giving me a small smile. “Well, I hope you find what you need, Haley.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “Will you - oh, never mind. Anyway, he’s probably at the beach house now. He doesn’t work Saturdays very often.”
Nodding, I take a sip of my coffee. “Thanks,” I say, meaning it, as I take a few dollars out of my purse and set it on the counter. “I appreciate you helping me, Deb.”
“Oh, of course,” she smiles, sliding the money back over to me. “You know that your money is no good here, Haley. If I don’t see you again before you leave town, take care of yourself. Good luck with medical school.”
“Thanks,” I smile back at her as I slide off the stool. “It was nice to see you, Deb.”
Well, that wasn’t so bad. Honestly, I don’t know why I always expect the worst from her, but what I get is never as bad as what I assume will come from her. Obviously, I don’t give her nearly enough credit.
The drive out to the beach house feels shorter than I remember, but maybe I’m just nervous about seeing Nathan now and asking him these questions. A part of me wishes it were a longer drive, just to drag it out longer, so I can procrastinate a bit more. If I wasn’t so nervous about this, perhaps I’d see the bright side of getting in and getting out quicker. However, I’m just not there yet. When it comes to Nathan, too big a part of me is still the dumped and divorced seventeen year old. To that end, I can’t seem to act like a mature, rational, and functioning adult in any of this.
When I get there, I park across the street and stare at the house. Nathan and I never spent a lot of time here together, but much of the time we did was very special. At least, it was to me. I guess that I really can’t presume to know how Nathan felt about things, can I? Then again, I’ve done that both times I’ve seen him since I got back here, so I should stop doing it now, too. He doesn’t have to feel what I think I want or wish for him to feel. I owe it to him to at least be respectful of his feelings, whatever they may be.
Taking a deep breath, I almost choke on it as I glace out the window. In fact, I actually do choke a little. There Nathan stands, staring in the window at me with a bemused expression on his face. Half-naked. The damn man is standing there, staring at me, while he is half naked. It has got to be a sin to look that good shirtless. Ugh, no fair.
When I make no move to get out (because I am way too caught up in staring at his naked chest), he reaches out and opens the door for me. Taking another deep breath (minus the choking this time) to collect myself, I manage to smile in thanks as he helps me out of the car. Oh, Lord, I can’t stop staring at him. Naked, naked, naked chest.
“There is a driveway,” he points out, entirely too amused by all this. “You could’ve parked there, Hales. I wouldn’t have minded.”
In spite of myself, I grin back at him, motioning to the car. “Oh, well, I do see the driveway, Nathan. But this is all the better for a quick getaway, if I need it,” I smirk at him. If he’s comfortable enough to tease me, I should be okay to return the favor, right? “I just figured this would be more practical for those purposes.”
His eyes widen and his face pales and his smile is gone in the blink of an eye. “What does that mean? It had better be a joke, but it’s - it’s not funny. That is not funny, Haley.”
“I - what?” I frown in confusion. “Nathan, it was just a joke. A, um, apparently it wasn’t a very funny one, though. But I didn’t mean anything by it. Are you okay? What did I say?”
“It’s nothing, forget it,” he bites out after staring at me stonily, searching for some truth or knowledge that I’m pretty sure I don’t have. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that,” he sighs, the anger draining out of him. “I’m sorry.”
Nodding dumbly, I watch as he turns and crosses the street, only going with him when he turns and motions for me to follow. I walk into the house after him, a little surprised by how different the house looks. It is so…Nathan now. Mindlessly, I follow him upstairs, not really realizing that until he stops in the doorway of the master bedroom.
“I’m gonna shower now, Haley. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to join me, but somehow I doubt that is what you’re here for today. If I’m wrong,” he grins, “Come on in.”
“Um, I’ll just wait downstairs? In the kitchen?” I guess, relieved when he nods, giving me a smile at the same time. “Okay, um, I’ll see you in - when you’re doing. I’ll see you when you’re done,” I ramble out, feeling like a pervy idiot.
He nods, grinning at me as he steps through the bedroom door. He doesn’t bother to shut it behind him, and I stand there watching as he kicks off his shoes and socks. It takes him hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts before I snap out of it, turning to rush down the stairs to the kitchen. What is wrong with me today? What side of the bed did I wake up that has turned me into a needy, pseudo wannabe slutty, tramp?
But oh, God, he’s hot. He is so damn hot that I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. Well, I do know, but I’m pretty sure it is illegal in more than one state. Despite the fact that he’s hot as sin, he’s still the ex, and that should factor his hotness down a few thousand degrees, right? Isn’t that how it works?
I try, I really do, to take a seat at the kitchen table and wait for him to come down. I seem to have an issue sitting still today, which I’m sure wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who knows me, so I step outside to the deck off of the kitchen. It is warm out here in the sun, but there is a breeze blowing in off the water. I hadn’t missed the beach while I was gone, mostly because there isn’t exactly a shortage of beaches in California. This is different, though. The air is fresh and sweet, and just a tiny bit heavy with the humidity. I hadn’t thought there was much to miss about North Carolina, but this? This is really nice, and with the re-experiencing of it, I think I do miss it.
There is a made-for-two chaise lounger with a thick cushion sitting temptingly a ways down the deck, and it proves too wonderful looking to ignore. I practically fall into it, making myself perfectly comfortable, content to watch the water as I wait for Nathan. I think I’m half asleep when Nathan’s shadow falls over me.
“You going to scoot over and share, or do I have to stand?” he asks, grinning when I pop an eye open to look up at him. His hair is still wet and falling over his forehead just so, and damn it if he doesn’t look adorable.
“Well, since it is your chair,” I start, pretending to think hard on it, and oh my hell, am I flirting with him, “I suppose you can sit, too.”
“How generous of you,” he smirks, sitting down next to me when I scoot over. He leans back, getting comfortable. When he’s close enough that our bare arms are touching, he looks over at me. “What brings you here today, Haley? This a stop on the Haley Scott Farewell to Tree Hill tour?”
I turn my head so that my cheek is resting against the cushion. “There is no farewell tour,” I mutter wryly, smiling with him. “If there was, you’d be the last stop. I’m not leaving for a couple of days yet. Peyton and her dad wedged a lot of stuff into that house.”
He nods, quirking a brow up. “Not to be rude, but uh, what are you doing here then? You were pretty specific the other night in that you didn’t want to see me again.” He winks at me then. “I wasn’t going to listen, of course, but I had planned on giving you another day or two to cool off.”
“How kind,” I laugh, my gaze shifting back out toward the water. “Actually, I’ll just be honest. Probably not a bad thing between us, right? Anyway, Luke suggested I talk to you. Well, really, he told me that if I wanted to know anything else, I’d have to hear it from you and not him.”
“Ah,” he nods, not saying anything else. I glance over at him, unsurprised to see his gaze stony. With what seems like great reluctance, he looks back over at me. “What has he told you then?”
Drawing my knees up so that my feet rest flat on the chair, I look out at the water. “He talked a lot, but I’m not sure how much he really said, you know? He was really careful to point out that he doesn’t know anything first hand; he’s just heard the rumors.”
Nathan nods; I don’t see it, but I can feel it. “Yeah, rumors. I bet there were a lot of those flying around Tree Hill.”
“You know that you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” I remind him, even though my curiosity is about to burst out of my chest and make its presence known. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“Sure I do,” he counters lightly, but his posture is tense and I know I’ve made him uncomfortable. “Why don’t you tell me what Luke’s heard, and I can give you a ballpark percentage on how much of it is true.”
Looking over at him, I sigh. “I’d actually rather hear your own words, Nathan. You said you wanted to tell me. I - I’m ready to listen now.”
He shakes his head once, indicating that this is going to go his way. Fair enough, I suppose. “I want to hear what Luke knows. It must be pretty crummy, I guess. He won’t even talk to me, unless he wants to yell about something.”
“He told me that he’d heard, from what your mom said to Karen, that you had a good senior year at that prep school and that your freshman year of college was good, too. He also said that Dan showed up one day, and that rumor had it there was a big scene and you were both picked up by the campus police. I gather that day was something of a turning point.”
“Sounds like you got the condensed, white-washed version, huh?” he mutters darkly, his lips twisting into a wry grimace. “The funny thing is, before he showed up, I was actually doing okay. Maybe things weren’t great, but I was getting minutes and keeping my grades up. I had some friends. Then Dan came to town, and everything went to Hell in a hand basket.” He looks over at me, a sigh on his lips. “I guess that’s when I stopped caring, actually. I was just so damn mad at Dad for embarrassing me and just being himself that sometimes I think I sabotaged myself, my basketball career, on purpose, just to make a point and piss him off.”
“I’m sorry about Dan,” I say quietly when he pauses. “You always deserved better than what you got from him, Nathan. It never should’ve been like that.”
He nods, staring sightlessly in front of him. “Still,” he shrugs. “It’s not like I ever handled things with him very well. I always lashed out at the wrong times in the worst possible ways, you know?”
I can’t help but smile a little at the truth in that statement. “Well, I certainly can’t argue with that,” I tease lightly, a little concerned when he doesn’t even crack a smile. In fact, I’m not entirely sure he heard me at all. “Nathan. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, okay?”
Finally losing the dead-eyed stare, he looks over at me with a sheepish smile. “It’s fine, Hales. I’ve just never talked about most of this stuff, so it’s kind of hard. New, I guess.”
“Never? Not with anyone?”
“Nope, never. Not with anyone.” For a brief second, he sets his hand on top of mine, removing it almost immediately. “I’m not good at the sharing thing. You know that.” I raise my eyebrows at him. “Oh, don’t act surprised that I’d tell you. I’ve always been able to talk to you.”
I nod my acknowledgement of that before turning the conversation back to the matter at hand. “What happened after the showdown with Dan?”
He glances back my way, a pensive look on his face. “Well, Dad was arrested that day, ostensibly for disturbing the peace. Really, though, I think the Durham officers felt sorry for me, so they locked him up for the maximum amount of time. They had to release him after that, but he left town immediately.” He shakes his head, frustration tightening his lips as he says, “It didn’t matter that he left, though. After that, he was in my head. I’d be at a party and hear his voice telling me it was time to leave because I needed to study for a test the next day. I started doing the exact opposite of anything I’d hear in his voice or anything I figured he’d want me to do.”
Oh, Nathan. If there is one thing I could’ve given him, it would have been the ability to ignore Dan, rendering him powerless. “That manipulative bastard was always so good at that, getting into your head. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about it.”
“I don’t feel guilty, though. I mostly just have a lot of regret. Dad’s influence over me led me to screw up a lot of things, you know? There were more that fell into the ‘almost’ category, too. I regret that I gave him that much power and influence over me, but it started when I was young. I don’t know how I could have fought it.”
“You probably couldn’t have. You’re right; you were so young and how could you have known? I’ve always been so impressed by how great you are in spite of Dan. You should be so proud, Nathan.”
This time when he sets his hand on top of mine, I turn mine over and intertwine our fingers together. “I was ruled academically ineligible my sophomore year,” he says quietly, his fingers reflexively tightening around mine. “Even if I hadn’t been, I was blowing it with the team. I missed practices and mouthed off to the coaches. No one likes ‘that’ guy, right?”
“Is that why you left school?” I ask, shifting slightly so that I am more squarely facing him. “Luke said you dropped out your junior year. Were you having academic troubles still?”
“I wish,” he sighs, pulling hand out of mine as he leans forward. Unsure what to do, I set my hand on his back. “You want to know why I left? In the end, it didn’t really have to do with basketball or even academic issues. Nah, it was way worse than that. The summer before my junior year, I had managed to get things together a bit. I took a few classes I needed, so I was eligible to play again. I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t the colossal screw-up of the world anymore, either.
“Then, a couple of weeks before the first game of the season - and I was probably going to start it! - I was at a party. It was at a friend’s house, just a little, low-key thing. There was this girl there, and she was coming on pretty strong, you know? But I wasn’t interested. That summer, I’d started thinking of you again, Haley, and I didn’t want the random hook-ups anymore. Anyway, I told her that I wasn’t interested, and I figured that was it, right?”
“What happened?” I whisper, again getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I didn’t really want to know.
He settles back in the chair, trapping my arm behind him. I don’t think he even notices when I tug it free. “I left the party early, a little before midnight. At four the next morning, I woke up to a pounding on my door. It was the police.” My heart practically leaps into my throat as he tells me this. “She had accused me of raping her,” he goes on in a dull and emotionless voice that scares me enough that it takes a minute for what he’s telling me to sink in. Oh, God. “Everyone knew what she said I did to her. They knew, and they believed her, too. I wanted to leave immediately, but the lawyer my mom hired said that would make me look a thousand times worse. So I had to stay and go to classes and practice and talk to the police while everyone stared at me and took pictures or filmed me.”
A million emotions are churning instead of me hearing this. My heart hurts so bad for him, having to go through all of this. Having to go through it all alone.
“There wasn’t any evidence, though,” his voice still painfully flat and void of inflection. “She ended up recanting after a few weeks when the police figured out that the lack of evidence meant she had lied and they started questioning her harder. So I was off the hook, legally at least. I figured things would get better from there. I was innocent and everyone knew that, the girl who made the claim was possibly going to be prosecuted, so I was good to go, right? Wrong. Nothing went back to normal. Nothing. My friends and teammates treated me like I was guilty. I was stared at everywhere I went. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t worth to try and stick it out. At the end of the semester, I moved back here. People knew, obviously, but it wasn’t like it was in Durham.” He looks over at me. “You didn’t know that part, did you?”
Slowly, I shake my head. “No, Luke didn’t tell me that. No one ever told me that. I - oh, Nathan. I’m so damn sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs, his gaze drifting back towards the water. “I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m doing okay for myself here, and I’m finishing up my degree through correspondence classes. What’s the big deal, right?” The twisted bitter smile is on his lips again as tears spring to his eyes. “Hey, that just finished what my dad started, right? The final nail in the coffin that laid to rest all of my dreams and aspirations. No big.”
Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around him. He doesn’t seem to react much at all; at least, that’s what I think until a few hot tears splash on my bare arm. Biting my lower lip, I slide one of my hands to the back of his neck, drawing tiny shapes over the soft skin there. He shudders, and for a minute I am afraid that I’ve made things worse for him somehow, but then his arms are around me and his face is buried against my neck as more tears fall. I wonder if he has ever grieved for all the losses he has suffered the last few years.
“Shhh,” I whisper in his ear, brushing my lips against his cheek. I don’t know where this is coming from, but all I want is to be able to give him some comfort right now. His grip on me tightens, and his fingers slip under the bottom hem of my shirt to rest on the bare skin of my waist.
He draws in a great, shuddering gulp of air, leaning back enough to look at me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to lose it like that.” He lifts one hand off of me to swipe at the tears in his eyes. “God, how embarrassing.”
Despite the gravity of the situation, I manage a smile for him. “Don’t be embarrassed. There is no reason you should be, Nathan.” Tears are still coursing, again unchecked, down his cheeks. “Have you ever talked about this with anyone?”
“No,” he says, lowering his face back down to my shoulder as he draws me closer. “No one asked - probably afraid of how I’d act - and I can’t, there was no way I could tell just anyone.”
“The ex-wife isn’t just anyone, huh?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood a little. I feel terrible that I’ve dragged him through all this and asked him to relive something so horrible and awful and humiliating.
“You’re the only one I can imagine doing this with, Haley. You are so important to me in ways that no one else ever could be.” He leans back, his arms still tight around me so I go with him, half-laying on top of him now. “The few days after that damn party, after she had accused me of all those things, I was stupid and naïve enough to think my friends and teammates would believe me. When it became obvious they didn’t, that no one did, all I could think was that Haley would believe me. I knew you wouldn’t look at me like I was a monster.”
I can’t stand seeing him hurt like this, this broken, and somehow that overrides all of my own hurts and breaks that are so intertwined with him. “I know that you would never do something like that, Nathan. My head knows that and so does my heart.” Gripping him tighter, I kiss him on the cheek again. “I’m so sorry that you hurt like this.”
Pulling back enough that I can see his face fully, I reach up and gently brush the tears away. “Thank you,” he whispers, staring at me. “Thanks for listening. And um, thanks for letting me cry all over you, apparently.”
Nodding, I sit back a little, moving off of him and back to my side of the lounge chair. “I know it isn’t my place to give you advice, but Luke is here right now. The thing is, I don’t think he will be for much longer. Maybe things have been…well, bad between you two, but they don’t have to be. You guys are family, and if you ever wanted to defy Dan in the biggest way possible, you know that having a relationship with Luke would have him spinning.”
“I know you mean well, baby,” he sighs, leaning toward me until his head is on my shoulder, “But I doubt that’s really possible for me and Luke. He doesn’t want much to do with me.” He shakes his head, laughing bitterly. “He probably believes that I did it, that I raped that girl.”
“He sent me to you, Nathan,” I remind him softly. I need him to know that there is no truth behind that thought. “If he thought, even for a second, that you had done it, do you really think he’d encourage me to talk to you alone?”
“Probably not,” he admits with a sigh. “Look, I know that Luke is your best friend, and I don’t know what he’s told you, but I’ve tried. I have actually tried to talk to him many times, but he’s not…receptive, interested. I don’t know. I can’t make him talk to me, after all.”
Inwardly sighing, I take his hand, trying to ignore that I have to brush my fingers over his leg to do so. “Sometimes you just have to keep trying. You know he’s just being stubborn.”
He nods, his unshaved cheek slightly abrasive against my shoulder. He shifts enough that he can maneuver his arms around me. Warning sirens are blazing in my head, but I don’t move away from him. “When the whole rape thing happened, I called him one time, from a pay phone in the library. I hung up when he answered, though.”
”Don’t call it that,” I scold him gently. “It wasn’t a ‘rape thing’. It was a lying psycho-bitch thing. Don’t let her win by giving it any kind of credence, okay?”
“It’s kind of hard not to,” he snaps in exasperation. “That ‘rape thing’, even if she was a lying psycho-bitch, ruined my life. I can’t just minimize that or sugarcoat it. I know - believe me, I know better than most - that rape is an ugly word. But since I’ve been accused of it, I’ve had to start everything over. I had to start from scratch. So don’t tell me how to refer to it, okay?”
He is right, absolutely right. This is his burden, his weight to carry, and he gets to distribute the load however works best for him. I have no right to come in here, listen to a barebones version of the events that rocked his life, and then tell him how to deal with it. What a jerk I am.
“I’m sorry, you’re right,” I agree softly. “I have no place to say anything in this. But Nathan, I just don’t want this to be something you blame yourself for, okay? You’re the victim in all this.”
“I don’t want to be the victim, and I certainly don’t want to feel like I am one.” He nuzzles his cheek against mine, and I shiver - shiver! - in response. Why do I have to respond to him physically, especially at a time like this? “I know that I am, on some level. But it just sucks. That’s not what I want. I’m doing okay.”
“That’s what I hear,” I smile as his arms tighten around me again. “Several people have mentioned that. Whitey seems particularly pleased with you.”
His fingers are tangling in my hair now, and I need to pull away. I need to get out of here because being this close with him, this comfortable, isn’t what either of us really need. For me, it’s just pulling me back further into the nightmare of the divorce and that final year of high school without him. For him, it’s just giving him temporary comfort that I won’t be around to sustain. It’s nothing more than a tease, and I don’t want to do that to him. I don’t want to hurt him.
I pull back slightly, smiling at him as I arrange myself on the seat so that we aren’t touching. He looks at me knowingly. “You’re doing that thing where you’re thinking too much and freaking out, aren’t you?” he asks quietly, holding my gaze with his.
“No, I - well, maybe a little,” I admit, feeling my face heat in a blush. “I do think I should get back to Peyton’s though. They’re going to let me pack the breakables.” He raises his eyebrows skeptically at that. “Well, probably only the ones she doesn’t want to save, but still.”
“You’d rather pack up someone else’s house than stay out here under the nice, warm sun with the cool breeze blowing over us? Come on, Hales. I know you can be all business when you need to, but I doubt this is one of those times.” He gives me a small smile. “Besides, it’s been really nice, having you to talk to today.”
Oh, that’s low and he knows it. Of course Nathan still knows how to play me; why did I figure that, of all things, would have changed? I guess it just seemed like something that should have fallen by the wayside these last five years, or that I should have built up an immunity to his tactics and ploys. Apparently not, in either case. “Well, can we go inside now at least? The sun is a little too warm for my liking.”
He smiles at my unspoken agreement to stay, but there is no trace of the gloating smugness I might have expected from him. “Come on in, I’ve got some juice and plenty of water, if you’d like. You ought to get some fluids in you. The sun was never really your friend.”
In a weird, probably selfish kind of way, it is sort of touching that he remembers things like that. Maybe comforting is the better word; it is comforting to know that he remembers the same things that I do. That they were important enough for him to carry around all this time, just like they were to me.
“How do you manage in the Southern California desert?” he asks as we walk through the French doors into the kitchen. “I always wondered about that.”
“I got used to it,” I shrug, looking around the room. Even this room seems intrinsically Nathan in some way, and I never imagined or thought of him having a kitchen like that. “I swear, I drink about three gallons of water every day. I guess that helps. Anyway, I’m sure you don’t really want to hear about my hydration habits.”
“Well, maybe not specifically about your hydration, but I would like to hear about you, about what you’ve been doing all this time. My mom tells me some things once in awhile, things she heard from Karen. That’s how I know you cheered,” he grins widely. “I saw you on TV a couple of times, you know. Those outfits aren’t nearly skimpy enough.”
“Hey!” I exclaim, poking him in the ribs. “You’re supposed to admire our spirit and get pumped up by it, not check us out.”
He continues to grin unabashedly at me. “First of all, the only girl I was checking out, and by checking out I mean admiring, was you. Second, no one said there wasn’t some ‘pumping up’ going on,” he winks lasciviously. It’s so over-exaggeratedly and dramatically lecherous that I can’t help but laugh with him. “Seriously, though, you were absolutely beautiful out there. Did you like it?”
Smiling wistfully, I nod. “Yeah, I know it would surprise a lot of people who knew me as a kid, but I loved it. It was fun, and everyone involved was great. I got to travel a lot for games, and of course, we have great teams, so…extra fun.”
“You’ll miss it,” he notes, a knowing look on his face. “I know the feeling. I miss basketball sometimes, too. I guess that’s a part of growing up thought.”
He hands me a glass of ice water that I take gratefully. “Thanks,” I smile, taking a few small sips. “I guess that once med school starts, I’ll be so busy I won’t have much time to even think about cheer at all, much less miss it.” I look up, unable to keep myself from turning the conversation back to him. “What are you doing these days, Nathan?”
Shrugging, he glances out the window. “Well, you know I’m working a lot and taking correspondence classes through Duke. Coach helped arrange those. I think he felt bad about the situation, and he wanted to help out in any way that he could.”
I want to tell him that, yeah, someone ought to have been jumping all over themselves to help him, but I don’t think that’s what he needs or wants to hear right now. Instead, I ask, “Where are you working?”
He grins at that question. “I’m actually working for the county public utilities district in the electric department. I figured your dad would get a kick out of that.”
“Jimmy would like that,” I agree, returning his smile. “And I suppose that it is also something that Dan would unequivocally hate, right?”
“Super bonus,” he nods. “That’s not why I work there, though. At first it was a necessity. I needed money, I needed to keep busy. Now, I kind of like it, you know? It’s a good job.” His face grows serious. “I promised myself awhile back that I’d stop living to spite Dan. I don’t know what triggered it exactly, but at some point, I realized that that wasn’t really living at all.”
I almost blurt out the incredibly and amazingly inconsiderate question that springs to mind: have you had therapy? Luckily, I manage to bite my tongue and I don’t say anything nearly so embarrassing as that. It is, though, amazing progress for him. “That’s wonderful. The less you let him influence you, the better off you are.”
He nods, a faraway look on his face. “When my mom first offered this place to me, I almost turned it down. A lot of things about this place was all him, you know?”
“But it isn’t now?”
“Now, it’s just a house,” he shrugs, leaning forward so that his elbows rest on the counter. “Dad might have bullied or pushed me into things before, but I let him….I let him because I believed I had no other choice.”
“I know it isn’t my place to say this,” I begin in earnest, “But I’m so proud of you. I know what a negative presence Dan could be, and I now that sometimes those are the hardest ones to cast out of your life.”
Staring into his own glass of water, he nods thoughtfully before turning to me. “Can I ask you a question? A serious one this time, not about cheerleading or how much water you drink or whatever.”
A little surprised at that, I still nod. “Sure, go ahead,” I agree hesitantly, not sure I like any of the places that this could go. No matter how much I’d rather tell him ‘no’, I owe him answers since he’s told me everything he’s shared today. “Fire away.”
“What are you doing here?” he asks, jumping in at the beginning of a series of questions. “Were you just curious about the freak show of my life? Do you pity me? The other day you made it pretty clear that you had no interest in me or my life, so…what changed there?”
Yep, don’t like where this has gone at all.
Oh, crap.
Chapter Eight
Chapter Seven - Maybe This is a Dream
‘It takes courage to struggle through your past, to accept your flaws and failure. But when you do, there is reward to be had.’
Marching purposefully into the café, I feel a little funny. I know that Karen isn’t here today, that she is out of town on business with Luke tagging along. I told Peyton what Luke had told me the other night, and explained that my curiosity was getting the better of me. She just smiled knowingly and encouraged me to do what I am doing now: finding Nathan.
That is what brings me here. Since Karen is gone for the day, I’m assuming that Deb will be here. Luke isn’t answering his phone right now - seriously, why have one if you can’t answer it? - so that leaves me with Deb as a means for finding out where Nathan is living these days. As I weave through the tables, I nearly knock over one of the patrons. To my surprise, said patron is Whitey.
“Coach!” I exclaim, steadying him on his feet under the guise of giving him a hug. “Oh, you probably don’t remember, but I - “
“Now, how could I forgot the lady Scott?” he grins easily, prompting a return smile from me. Granted, it’s a bittersweet smile after being called that, but still. It’s a smile. “Prettiest of that lot, too. How are you, my dear? What brings you back to town?”
“Well, I’m good,” I smile, unsure as to why I don’t correct him about my association with the Scott name. “I’m just back here to help a friend move. You probably remember Peyton Sawyer? Her father is selling their house.”
He smiles at the mention of Peyton’s name. “Why I sure do remember her. You give that girl my regards, you hear? A dear thing, that one.” He looks at me appraisingly. “Who are you here to see? I don’t think Nathan’ll be in today.”
Raising my eyebrows, I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Oh, well, I’m actually here to talk to Deb. I feel bad; I’ve been in town several days now, and I’ve barely said two words to her.”
“Ah,” he smiles, nodding knowingly. “Well, I’ll leave you to it, Mrs. Scott. You take care of yourself, you hear?”
I thank him, a wistful feeling of nostalgia washing over me as I watch him go. As he crosses the street, something comes over me and I dart out after him, catching up quickly. “Coach? I - can I ask you something?” He nods patiently, a kind smile on his face. “What, um, what is your take on everything that happened with Nathan?”
A dark look crosses his face briefly before it settles into a slight smile. “Ah, that boy. You could never tell with him if he’d pull it together or shoot himself in the foot. I guess he did a little bit of both, huh?” Not knowing what else to do, I nod and try not to look confused. “Well, it was bad business, real ugly, but he’s come out better than anyone could’ve hoped. I’m proud of the boy, when all is said and done. We all should be proud of him. He’s done mighty well for himself, considering the hand he was dealt.”
Even though I don’t know what he’s talking about, I say, “Too bad the one who always had the least amount of real pride in Nathan was Nathan.”
“You got that right, missy,” Whitey smiles. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a walk to take. When you see the boy, go easy on him. I think he might be a little more…gun-shy than you remember.”
Not sure how to take that, I nod, thanking him for his time. Taking a deep breath, I head back to the café, pushing through the door and going straight for the counter. My nerves want me to take a seat in a booth where Deb won’t see me right away, but I ignore those traitorous cries of cowardice.
Plopping down on one of the stools at the counter, I smile as I catch Deb’s eye. She actually glances behind her to see if I’m smiling at someone else which gives me a pretty good idea of how rude I’ve been to her since I’ve been in town. She smiles back, albeit hesitantly, and grabs a pot of coffee before making her way over to me.
“Good morning, Haley,” she greets me genially as she flips over the cup in front of me to fill it. “How are you today? Did you know that Karen is out today?”
“I did know that,” I assure her, grinning at the lovely, dark brew filling my cup. “Thanks for the coffee, by the way. And I’m fine, good. How are you?”
“Oh, well, I’m just fine, thank you,” she smiles hesitantly, looking a little nonplussed. “Are you here for more mac and cheese? We don’t start serving lunch for another hour, but I can see what I can do.”
Unable to help myself, I laugh a little. “No, no, I can’t have anymore mac and cheese. If I run into any of my cheer friends, they’d notice it all sitting right on my hips.” She laughs with me. “Actually, um, I need a favor, Deb. And you can totally tell me ‘no’, and I would absolutely understand, but I’d really appreciate your help. Besides, to be honest, I’ll find this out one way or the other, I’m just hoping that you help me so it is the easy way.”
Her eyes widen in curiosity, and she nods. “You can ask me anything, Haley. You know that.”
Well, no I don’t, but okay. “I, oh, this is hard. I feel like such a jerk, but um, can you tell me where I can find Nathan today? I saw him a few days ago, and I - I don’t want to leave things the way we did. I’d like to talk to him once more before I leave town.”
“Oh, of course, Haley!” she laughs, looking relieved. What did she think I’d ask for, a kidney? Jeez. “Actually, it’ll be easy for you to find. He’s living out at the beach house.”
Why does that actually surprise me? The way Luke had been talking I was almost afraid Nathan was living in a cardboard box at the beach, not in that mansion. “Thanks for telling me. You didn’t have to, Deb. I know that you don’t owe me anything, and the way things ended with Nathan and me - “
She lifts a hand in the air, effectively cutting me off. “No, honey, that was between you and Nathan. In fact, I was always sorry you didn’t work things out. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really happy that you two married at sixteen and seventeen, but I’ve always thought you were good for my son, too.”
“I - well, thank you. I was always sorry things didn’t work out, too,” I admit, staring into the coffee cup as I stir sugar into it. “Anyway, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “I hadn’t realized you’ve seen Nathan. He looks well these days, don’t you think? I mean, all things considered, he’s doing so well for himself. I worry, of course, and he’d hate it if he knew that, but what can you do? I’m a mother, and we worry.”
“Right,” I agree slowly, wondering what she’s on about now. “Well, we just bumped into each other once, and then he came over to Peyton’s a couple nights ago. We just talked for a bit, and I think that I wasn’t…I was probably rude, and I wanted to apologize for it. Maybe we both still need a bit of closure.”
She appraises me closely, but doesn’t comment on that statement, thankfully. Instead, she nods while giving me a small smile. “Well, I hope you find what you need, Haley.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “Will you - oh, never mind. Anyway, he’s probably at the beach house now. He doesn’t work Saturdays very often.”
Nodding, I take a sip of my coffee. “Thanks,” I say, meaning it, as I take a few dollars out of my purse and set it on the counter. “I appreciate you helping me, Deb.”
“Oh, of course,” she smiles, sliding the money back over to me. “You know that your money is no good here, Haley. If I don’t see you again before you leave town, take care of yourself. Good luck with medical school.”
“Thanks,” I smile back at her as I slide off the stool. “It was nice to see you, Deb.”
Well, that wasn’t so bad. Honestly, I don’t know why I always expect the worst from her, but what I get is never as bad as what I assume will come from her. Obviously, I don’t give her nearly enough credit.
The drive out to the beach house feels shorter than I remember, but maybe I’m just nervous about seeing Nathan now and asking him these questions. A part of me wishes it were a longer drive, just to drag it out longer, so I can procrastinate a bit more. If I wasn’t so nervous about this, perhaps I’d see the bright side of getting in and getting out quicker. However, I’m just not there yet. When it comes to Nathan, too big a part of me is still the dumped and divorced seventeen year old. To that end, I can’t seem to act like a mature, rational, and functioning adult in any of this.
When I get there, I park across the street and stare at the house. Nathan and I never spent a lot of time here together, but much of the time we did was very special. At least, it was to me. I guess that I really can’t presume to know how Nathan felt about things, can I? Then again, I’ve done that both times I’ve seen him since I got back here, so I should stop doing it now, too. He doesn’t have to feel what I think I want or wish for him to feel. I owe it to him to at least be respectful of his feelings, whatever they may be.
Taking a deep breath, I almost choke on it as I glace out the window. In fact, I actually do choke a little. There Nathan stands, staring in the window at me with a bemused expression on his face. Half-naked. The damn man is standing there, staring at me, while he is half naked. It has got to be a sin to look that good shirtless. Ugh, no fair.
When I make no move to get out (because I am way too caught up in staring at his naked chest), he reaches out and opens the door for me. Taking another deep breath (minus the choking this time) to collect myself, I manage to smile in thanks as he helps me out of the car. Oh, Lord, I can’t stop staring at him. Naked, naked, naked chest.
“There is a driveway,” he points out, entirely too amused by all this. “You could’ve parked there, Hales. I wouldn’t have minded.”
In spite of myself, I grin back at him, motioning to the car. “Oh, well, I do see the driveway, Nathan. But this is all the better for a quick getaway, if I need it,” I smirk at him. If he’s comfortable enough to tease me, I should be okay to return the favor, right? “I just figured this would be more practical for those purposes.”
His eyes widen and his face pales and his smile is gone in the blink of an eye. “What does that mean? It had better be a joke, but it’s - it’s not funny. That is not funny, Haley.”
“I - what?” I frown in confusion. “Nathan, it was just a joke. A, um, apparently it wasn’t a very funny one, though. But I didn’t mean anything by it. Are you okay? What did I say?”
“It’s nothing, forget it,” he bites out after staring at me stonily, searching for some truth or knowledge that I’m pretty sure I don’t have. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that,” he sighs, the anger draining out of him. “I’m sorry.”
Nodding dumbly, I watch as he turns and crosses the street, only going with him when he turns and motions for me to follow. I walk into the house after him, a little surprised by how different the house looks. It is so…Nathan now. Mindlessly, I follow him upstairs, not really realizing that until he stops in the doorway of the master bedroom.
“I’m gonna shower now, Haley. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to join me, but somehow I doubt that is what you’re here for today. If I’m wrong,” he grins, “Come on in.”
“Um, I’ll just wait downstairs? In the kitchen?” I guess, relieved when he nods, giving me a smile at the same time. “Okay, um, I’ll see you in - when you’re doing. I’ll see you when you’re done,” I ramble out, feeling like a pervy idiot.
He nods, grinning at me as he steps through the bedroom door. He doesn’t bother to shut it behind him, and I stand there watching as he kicks off his shoes and socks. It takes him hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts before I snap out of it, turning to rush down the stairs to the kitchen. What is wrong with me today? What side of the bed did I wake up that has turned me into a needy, pseudo wannabe slutty, tramp?
But oh, God, he’s hot. He is so damn hot that I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. Well, I do know, but I’m pretty sure it is illegal in more than one state. Despite the fact that he’s hot as sin, he’s still the ex, and that should factor his hotness down a few thousand degrees, right? Isn’t that how it works?
I try, I really do, to take a seat at the kitchen table and wait for him to come down. I seem to have an issue sitting still today, which I’m sure wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who knows me, so I step outside to the deck off of the kitchen. It is warm out here in the sun, but there is a breeze blowing in off the water. I hadn’t missed the beach while I was gone, mostly because there isn’t exactly a shortage of beaches in California. This is different, though. The air is fresh and sweet, and just a tiny bit heavy with the humidity. I hadn’t thought there was much to miss about North Carolina, but this? This is really nice, and with the re-experiencing of it, I think I do miss it.
There is a made-for-two chaise lounger with a thick cushion sitting temptingly a ways down the deck, and it proves too wonderful looking to ignore. I practically fall into it, making myself perfectly comfortable, content to watch the water as I wait for Nathan. I think I’m half asleep when Nathan’s shadow falls over me.
“You going to scoot over and share, or do I have to stand?” he asks, grinning when I pop an eye open to look up at him. His hair is still wet and falling over his forehead just so, and damn it if he doesn’t look adorable.
“Well, since it is your chair,” I start, pretending to think hard on it, and oh my hell, am I flirting with him, “I suppose you can sit, too.”
“How generous of you,” he smirks, sitting down next to me when I scoot over. He leans back, getting comfortable. When he’s close enough that our bare arms are touching, he looks over at me. “What brings you here today, Haley? This a stop on the Haley Scott Farewell to Tree Hill tour?”
I turn my head so that my cheek is resting against the cushion. “There is no farewell tour,” I mutter wryly, smiling with him. “If there was, you’d be the last stop. I’m not leaving for a couple of days yet. Peyton and her dad wedged a lot of stuff into that house.”
He nods, quirking a brow up. “Not to be rude, but uh, what are you doing here then? You were pretty specific the other night in that you didn’t want to see me again.” He winks at me then. “I wasn’t going to listen, of course, but I had planned on giving you another day or two to cool off.”
“How kind,” I laugh, my gaze shifting back out toward the water. “Actually, I’ll just be honest. Probably not a bad thing between us, right? Anyway, Luke suggested I talk to you. Well, really, he told me that if I wanted to know anything else, I’d have to hear it from you and not him.”
“Ah,” he nods, not saying anything else. I glance over at him, unsurprised to see his gaze stony. With what seems like great reluctance, he looks back over at me. “What has he told you then?”
Drawing my knees up so that my feet rest flat on the chair, I look out at the water. “He talked a lot, but I’m not sure how much he really said, you know? He was really careful to point out that he doesn’t know anything first hand; he’s just heard the rumors.”
Nathan nods; I don’t see it, but I can feel it. “Yeah, rumors. I bet there were a lot of those flying around Tree Hill.”
“You know that you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” I remind him, even though my curiosity is about to burst out of my chest and make its presence known. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“Sure I do,” he counters lightly, but his posture is tense and I know I’ve made him uncomfortable. “Why don’t you tell me what Luke’s heard, and I can give you a ballpark percentage on how much of it is true.”
Looking over at him, I sigh. “I’d actually rather hear your own words, Nathan. You said you wanted to tell me. I - I’m ready to listen now.”
He shakes his head once, indicating that this is going to go his way. Fair enough, I suppose. “I want to hear what Luke knows. It must be pretty crummy, I guess. He won’t even talk to me, unless he wants to yell about something.”
“He told me that he’d heard, from what your mom said to Karen, that you had a good senior year at that prep school and that your freshman year of college was good, too. He also said that Dan showed up one day, and that rumor had it there was a big scene and you were both picked up by the campus police. I gather that day was something of a turning point.”
“Sounds like you got the condensed, white-washed version, huh?” he mutters darkly, his lips twisting into a wry grimace. “The funny thing is, before he showed up, I was actually doing okay. Maybe things weren’t great, but I was getting minutes and keeping my grades up. I had some friends. Then Dan came to town, and everything went to Hell in a hand basket.” He looks over at me, a sigh on his lips. “I guess that’s when I stopped caring, actually. I was just so damn mad at Dad for embarrassing me and just being himself that sometimes I think I sabotaged myself, my basketball career, on purpose, just to make a point and piss him off.”
“I’m sorry about Dan,” I say quietly when he pauses. “You always deserved better than what you got from him, Nathan. It never should’ve been like that.”
He nods, staring sightlessly in front of him. “Still,” he shrugs. “It’s not like I ever handled things with him very well. I always lashed out at the wrong times in the worst possible ways, you know?”
I can’t help but smile a little at the truth in that statement. “Well, I certainly can’t argue with that,” I tease lightly, a little concerned when he doesn’t even crack a smile. In fact, I’m not entirely sure he heard me at all. “Nathan. We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, okay?”
Finally losing the dead-eyed stare, he looks over at me with a sheepish smile. “It’s fine, Hales. I’ve just never talked about most of this stuff, so it’s kind of hard. New, I guess.”
“Never? Not with anyone?”
“Nope, never. Not with anyone.” For a brief second, he sets his hand on top of mine, removing it almost immediately. “I’m not good at the sharing thing. You know that.” I raise my eyebrows at him. “Oh, don’t act surprised that I’d tell you. I’ve always been able to talk to you.”
I nod my acknowledgement of that before turning the conversation back to the matter at hand. “What happened after the showdown with Dan?”
He glances back my way, a pensive look on his face. “Well, Dad was arrested that day, ostensibly for disturbing the peace. Really, though, I think the Durham officers felt sorry for me, so they locked him up for the maximum amount of time. They had to release him after that, but he left town immediately.” He shakes his head, frustration tightening his lips as he says, “It didn’t matter that he left, though. After that, he was in my head. I’d be at a party and hear his voice telling me it was time to leave because I needed to study for a test the next day. I started doing the exact opposite of anything I’d hear in his voice or anything I figured he’d want me to do.”
Oh, Nathan. If there is one thing I could’ve given him, it would have been the ability to ignore Dan, rendering him powerless. “That manipulative bastard was always so good at that, getting into your head. I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about it.”
“I don’t feel guilty, though. I mostly just have a lot of regret. Dad’s influence over me led me to screw up a lot of things, you know? There were more that fell into the ‘almost’ category, too. I regret that I gave him that much power and influence over me, but it started when I was young. I don’t know how I could have fought it.”
“You probably couldn’t have. You’re right; you were so young and how could you have known? I’ve always been so impressed by how great you are in spite of Dan. You should be so proud, Nathan.”
This time when he sets his hand on top of mine, I turn mine over and intertwine our fingers together. “I was ruled academically ineligible my sophomore year,” he says quietly, his fingers reflexively tightening around mine. “Even if I hadn’t been, I was blowing it with the team. I missed practices and mouthed off to the coaches. No one likes ‘that’ guy, right?”
“Is that why you left school?” I ask, shifting slightly so that I am more squarely facing him. “Luke said you dropped out your junior year. Were you having academic troubles still?”
“I wish,” he sighs, pulling hand out of mine as he leans forward. Unsure what to do, I set my hand on his back. “You want to know why I left? In the end, it didn’t really have to do with basketball or even academic issues. Nah, it was way worse than that. The summer before my junior year, I had managed to get things together a bit. I took a few classes I needed, so I was eligible to play again. I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t the colossal screw-up of the world anymore, either.
“Then, a couple of weeks before the first game of the season - and I was probably going to start it! - I was at a party. It was at a friend’s house, just a little, low-key thing. There was this girl there, and she was coming on pretty strong, you know? But I wasn’t interested. That summer, I’d started thinking of you again, Haley, and I didn’t want the random hook-ups anymore. Anyway, I told her that I wasn’t interested, and I figured that was it, right?”
“What happened?” I whisper, again getting that feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I didn’t really want to know.
He settles back in the chair, trapping my arm behind him. I don’t think he even notices when I tug it free. “I left the party early, a little before midnight. At four the next morning, I woke up to a pounding on my door. It was the police.” My heart practically leaps into my throat as he tells me this. “She had accused me of raping her,” he goes on in a dull and emotionless voice that scares me enough that it takes a minute for what he’s telling me to sink in. Oh, God. “Everyone knew what she said I did to her. They knew, and they believed her, too. I wanted to leave immediately, but the lawyer my mom hired said that would make me look a thousand times worse. So I had to stay and go to classes and practice and talk to the police while everyone stared at me and took pictures or filmed me.”
A million emotions are churning instead of me hearing this. My heart hurts so bad for him, having to go through all of this. Having to go through it all alone.
“There wasn’t any evidence, though,” his voice still painfully flat and void of inflection. “She ended up recanting after a few weeks when the police figured out that the lack of evidence meant she had lied and they started questioning her harder. So I was off the hook, legally at least. I figured things would get better from there. I was innocent and everyone knew that, the girl who made the claim was possibly going to be prosecuted, so I was good to go, right? Wrong. Nothing went back to normal. Nothing. My friends and teammates treated me like I was guilty. I was stared at everywhere I went. Eventually, I decided it wasn’t worth to try and stick it out. At the end of the semester, I moved back here. People knew, obviously, but it wasn’t like it was in Durham.” He looks over at me. “You didn’t know that part, did you?”
Slowly, I shake my head. “No, Luke didn’t tell me that. No one ever told me that. I - oh, Nathan. I’m so damn sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs, his gaze drifting back towards the water. “I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m doing okay for myself here, and I’m finishing up my degree through correspondence classes. What’s the big deal, right?” The twisted bitter smile is on his lips again as tears spring to his eyes. “Hey, that just finished what my dad started, right? The final nail in the coffin that laid to rest all of my dreams and aspirations. No big.”
Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around him. He doesn’t seem to react much at all; at least, that’s what I think until a few hot tears splash on my bare arm. Biting my lower lip, I slide one of my hands to the back of his neck, drawing tiny shapes over the soft skin there. He shudders, and for a minute I am afraid that I’ve made things worse for him somehow, but then his arms are around me and his face is buried against my neck as more tears fall. I wonder if he has ever grieved for all the losses he has suffered the last few years.
“Shhh,” I whisper in his ear, brushing my lips against his cheek. I don’t know where this is coming from, but all I want is to be able to give him some comfort right now. His grip on me tightens, and his fingers slip under the bottom hem of my shirt to rest on the bare skin of my waist.
He draws in a great, shuddering gulp of air, leaning back enough to look at me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to lose it like that.” He lifts one hand off of me to swipe at the tears in his eyes. “God, how embarrassing.”
Despite the gravity of the situation, I manage a smile for him. “Don’t be embarrassed. There is no reason you should be, Nathan.” Tears are still coursing, again unchecked, down his cheeks. “Have you ever talked about this with anyone?”
“No,” he says, lowering his face back down to my shoulder as he draws me closer. “No one asked - probably afraid of how I’d act - and I can’t, there was no way I could tell just anyone.”
“The ex-wife isn’t just anyone, huh?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood a little. I feel terrible that I’ve dragged him through all this and asked him to relive something so horrible and awful and humiliating.
“You’re the only one I can imagine doing this with, Haley. You are so important to me in ways that no one else ever could be.” He leans back, his arms still tight around me so I go with him, half-laying on top of him now. “The few days after that damn party, after she had accused me of all those things, I was stupid and naïve enough to think my friends and teammates would believe me. When it became obvious they didn’t, that no one did, all I could think was that Haley would believe me. I knew you wouldn’t look at me like I was a monster.”
I can’t stand seeing him hurt like this, this broken, and somehow that overrides all of my own hurts and breaks that are so intertwined with him. “I know that you would never do something like that, Nathan. My head knows that and so does my heart.” Gripping him tighter, I kiss him on the cheek again. “I’m so sorry that you hurt like this.”
Pulling back enough that I can see his face fully, I reach up and gently brush the tears away. “Thank you,” he whispers, staring at me. “Thanks for listening. And um, thanks for letting me cry all over you, apparently.”
Nodding, I sit back a little, moving off of him and back to my side of the lounge chair. “I know it isn’t my place to give you advice, but Luke is here right now. The thing is, I don’t think he will be for much longer. Maybe things have been…well, bad between you two, but they don’t have to be. You guys are family, and if you ever wanted to defy Dan in the biggest way possible, you know that having a relationship with Luke would have him spinning.”
“I know you mean well, baby,” he sighs, leaning toward me until his head is on my shoulder, “But I doubt that’s really possible for me and Luke. He doesn’t want much to do with me.” He shakes his head, laughing bitterly. “He probably believes that I did it, that I raped that girl.”
“He sent me to you, Nathan,” I remind him softly. I need him to know that there is no truth behind that thought. “If he thought, even for a second, that you had done it, do you really think he’d encourage me to talk to you alone?”
“Probably not,” he admits with a sigh. “Look, I know that Luke is your best friend, and I don’t know what he’s told you, but I’ve tried. I have actually tried to talk to him many times, but he’s not…receptive, interested. I don’t know. I can’t make him talk to me, after all.”
Inwardly sighing, I take his hand, trying to ignore that I have to brush my fingers over his leg to do so. “Sometimes you just have to keep trying. You know he’s just being stubborn.”
He nods, his unshaved cheek slightly abrasive against my shoulder. He shifts enough that he can maneuver his arms around me. Warning sirens are blazing in my head, but I don’t move away from him. “When the whole rape thing happened, I called him one time, from a pay phone in the library. I hung up when he answered, though.”
”Don’t call it that,” I scold him gently. “It wasn’t a ‘rape thing’. It was a lying psycho-bitch thing. Don’t let her win by giving it any kind of credence, okay?”
“It’s kind of hard not to,” he snaps in exasperation. “That ‘rape thing’, even if she was a lying psycho-bitch, ruined my life. I can’t just minimize that or sugarcoat it. I know - believe me, I know better than most - that rape is an ugly word. But since I’ve been accused of it, I’ve had to start everything over. I had to start from scratch. So don’t tell me how to refer to it, okay?”
He is right, absolutely right. This is his burden, his weight to carry, and he gets to distribute the load however works best for him. I have no right to come in here, listen to a barebones version of the events that rocked his life, and then tell him how to deal with it. What a jerk I am.
“I’m sorry, you’re right,” I agree softly. “I have no place to say anything in this. But Nathan, I just don’t want this to be something you blame yourself for, okay? You’re the victim in all this.”
“I don’t want to be the victim, and I certainly don’t want to feel like I am one.” He nuzzles his cheek against mine, and I shiver - shiver! - in response. Why do I have to respond to him physically, especially at a time like this? “I know that I am, on some level. But it just sucks. That’s not what I want. I’m doing okay.”
“That’s what I hear,” I smile as his arms tighten around me again. “Several people have mentioned that. Whitey seems particularly pleased with you.”
His fingers are tangling in my hair now, and I need to pull away. I need to get out of here because being this close with him, this comfortable, isn’t what either of us really need. For me, it’s just pulling me back further into the nightmare of the divorce and that final year of high school without him. For him, it’s just giving him temporary comfort that I won’t be around to sustain. It’s nothing more than a tease, and I don’t want to do that to him. I don’t want to hurt him.
I pull back slightly, smiling at him as I arrange myself on the seat so that we aren’t touching. He looks at me knowingly. “You’re doing that thing where you’re thinking too much and freaking out, aren’t you?” he asks quietly, holding my gaze with his.
“No, I - well, maybe a little,” I admit, feeling my face heat in a blush. “I do think I should get back to Peyton’s though. They’re going to let me pack the breakables.” He raises his eyebrows skeptically at that. “Well, probably only the ones she doesn’t want to save, but still.”
“You’d rather pack up someone else’s house than stay out here under the nice, warm sun with the cool breeze blowing over us? Come on, Hales. I know you can be all business when you need to, but I doubt this is one of those times.” He gives me a small smile. “Besides, it’s been really nice, having you to talk to today.”
Oh, that’s low and he knows it. Of course Nathan still knows how to play me; why did I figure that, of all things, would have changed? I guess it just seemed like something that should have fallen by the wayside these last five years, or that I should have built up an immunity to his tactics and ploys. Apparently not, in either case. “Well, can we go inside now at least? The sun is a little too warm for my liking.”
He smiles at my unspoken agreement to stay, but there is no trace of the gloating smugness I might have expected from him. “Come on in, I’ve got some juice and plenty of water, if you’d like. You ought to get some fluids in you. The sun was never really your friend.”
In a weird, probably selfish kind of way, it is sort of touching that he remembers things like that. Maybe comforting is the better word; it is comforting to know that he remembers the same things that I do. That they were important enough for him to carry around all this time, just like they were to me.
“How do you manage in the Southern California desert?” he asks as we walk through the French doors into the kitchen. “I always wondered about that.”
“I got used to it,” I shrug, looking around the room. Even this room seems intrinsically Nathan in some way, and I never imagined or thought of him having a kitchen like that. “I swear, I drink about three gallons of water every day. I guess that helps. Anyway, I’m sure you don’t really want to hear about my hydration habits.”
“Well, maybe not specifically about your hydration, but I would like to hear about you, about what you’ve been doing all this time. My mom tells me some things once in awhile, things she heard from Karen. That’s how I know you cheered,” he grins widely. “I saw you on TV a couple of times, you know. Those outfits aren’t nearly skimpy enough.”
“Hey!” I exclaim, poking him in the ribs. “You’re supposed to admire our spirit and get pumped up by it, not check us out.”
He continues to grin unabashedly at me. “First of all, the only girl I was checking out, and by checking out I mean admiring, was you. Second, no one said there wasn’t some ‘pumping up’ going on,” he winks lasciviously. It’s so over-exaggeratedly and dramatically lecherous that I can’t help but laugh with him. “Seriously, though, you were absolutely beautiful out there. Did you like it?”
Smiling wistfully, I nod. “Yeah, I know it would surprise a lot of people who knew me as a kid, but I loved it. It was fun, and everyone involved was great. I got to travel a lot for games, and of course, we have great teams, so…extra fun.”
“You’ll miss it,” he notes, a knowing look on his face. “I know the feeling. I miss basketball sometimes, too. I guess that’s a part of growing up thought.”
He hands me a glass of ice water that I take gratefully. “Thanks,” I smile, taking a few small sips. “I guess that once med school starts, I’ll be so busy I won’t have much time to even think about cheer at all, much less miss it.” I look up, unable to keep myself from turning the conversation back to him. “What are you doing these days, Nathan?”
Shrugging, he glances out the window. “Well, you know I’m working a lot and taking correspondence classes through Duke. Coach helped arrange those. I think he felt bad about the situation, and he wanted to help out in any way that he could.”
I want to tell him that, yeah, someone ought to have been jumping all over themselves to help him, but I don’t think that’s what he needs or wants to hear right now. Instead, I ask, “Where are you working?”
He grins at that question. “I’m actually working for the county public utilities district in the electric department. I figured your dad would get a kick out of that.”
“Jimmy would like that,” I agree, returning his smile. “And I suppose that it is also something that Dan would unequivocally hate, right?”
“Super bonus,” he nods. “That’s not why I work there, though. At first it was a necessity. I needed money, I needed to keep busy. Now, I kind of like it, you know? It’s a good job.” His face grows serious. “I promised myself awhile back that I’d stop living to spite Dan. I don’t know what triggered it exactly, but at some point, I realized that that wasn’t really living at all.”
I almost blurt out the incredibly and amazingly inconsiderate question that springs to mind: have you had therapy? Luckily, I manage to bite my tongue and I don’t say anything nearly so embarrassing as that. It is, though, amazing progress for him. “That’s wonderful. The less you let him influence you, the better off you are.”
He nods, a faraway look on his face. “When my mom first offered this place to me, I almost turned it down. A lot of things about this place was all him, you know?”
“But it isn’t now?”
“Now, it’s just a house,” he shrugs, leaning forward so that his elbows rest on the counter. “Dad might have bullied or pushed me into things before, but I let him….I let him because I believed I had no other choice.”
“I know it isn’t my place to say this,” I begin in earnest, “But I’m so proud of you. I know what a negative presence Dan could be, and I now that sometimes those are the hardest ones to cast out of your life.”
Staring into his own glass of water, he nods thoughtfully before turning to me. “Can I ask you a question? A serious one this time, not about cheerleading or how much water you drink or whatever.”
A little surprised at that, I still nod. “Sure, go ahead,” I agree hesitantly, not sure I like any of the places that this could go. No matter how much I’d rather tell him ‘no’, I owe him answers since he’s told me everything he’s shared today. “Fire away.”
“What are you doing here?” he asks, jumping in at the beginning of a series of questions. “Were you just curious about the freak show of my life? Do you pity me? The other day you made it pretty clear that you had no interest in me or my life, so…what changed there?”
Yep, don’t like where this has gone at all.
Oh, crap.
Chapter Eight