Vacant buildings shimmered in the distance as I clung to the traffic pole. The signal on top was long dead; a bit of vegetation had caught in its housing, trailing over the hooded lamps to rise and fall with the current. Cheney didn't know I could stay down here forever, breathing the crystal water and hugging the post. Why he wanted me dead, I ( Read more... )

I simply cannot conceal this fact. Soon, the desires of my Id will overcome the restraint of my Superego; it is my current impression that being in such a state pleases me ( Read more... )

So the other day, my mild-mannered, well-behaved oven went all emo and heated itself up to the surface temperature of Venus, nearly incinerating a tray of french fries in the process. Now, handy as it may be sometimes to have a crematorium right in the comfort of your own home (I mean, have you ever tried to dispose of a body after 6pm on a Sunday ( Read more... )

The half-bakery is apparently open for business, at least for now ( Read more... )

Now, I know that there's a lot of stuff I know, but I also know there's a gazillion times more stuff I don't know. In my quest to know more things, how can I possibly learn about something if I don't even know it exists?? What can I possibly google to find the thing I know the least about? I don't know! It would be rather troubling, if I were ( Read more... )

Should I ever happen to find myself at a cocktail party, looking elegantly aloof in a Little Black Dress and sipping a perfect martini, and a distinguished gentleman introduces himself to me, undoubtedly trying to impress me with his successful entrepreneurship as the founder and chairman of FedEx Home Delivery, I will immediately and with no ( Read more... )

How's this for a habit: Almost every single weekday for the past three years, I have eaten a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for lunch at work. Ambrosia, I tell you. Nectar of the gods, assembled the night before, refrigerated until morning, then warmed to room temperature by lunchtime. I will stop eating them when they stop being so damned ( Read more... )

While I was standing at the printer, waiting for it to crank ... out ... one ... more ... page ..., a coworker asked me where I'm from, originally. Because, he explained, I don't seem like a typical Philadelphian. Well, thank goodness for that, because dat dere city is, primarily, a pain in the ass (mostly stemming from the sheer impossibility of ( Read more... )

A few weeks ago, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the living room when I suddenly tripped and fell onto the couch, rolled on top of the remote control, and accidentally turned the TV on and changed the station to Univision. I swear it happened, because I have no other way to explain why I suddenly found myself intently watching a World Cup ( Read more... )

How to clean the microwave at work:

1. Wake up late.
2. Instead of skipping breakfast (unthinkable! an atrocity! a crime against nature!), bring a packet of oatmeal to work.
3. Fill up your mug to heat some water in the microwave.
4. Put two minutes on the timer. Ready... start!
5. Attempt to sing Ievan Polkka while waiting for water to boil ( Read more... )