Illusions (21/25)
Title : Illusions (21/25)
Rating : NC 17
Pairing : Ruki x Kai
Theme : IV - 21 - Sakura
Summary : “I can’t promise anything. But I would like to try this again".
A/N : This have to be the longest chapter of the entire fic. hoho.. already finished writing the spin off from Chptr 23 too. Hoho. Will post it up when this series is done. XD C&C welcomed. This is from Kai's POV! ^^
Past chapters
Chptr 1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 1 8, 19, 20
I sat at the cold bench on the park, watching my own breath in the cold air. I shoved my fingers deep into my pockets, cursing my own forgetfulness. I have again lost another pair of my gloves, and seeing that I thought I was running late, I didn’t bother with getting another pair. I looked at my watch again, frowning at it. The time didn’t change? Putting it to my ear, I didn’t hear any ticking sound. The overcast of the sky made it hard for me to estimate the time. Damn it.
“You’re early”
I jumped at the low voice from behind me, seeing Ruki bundled up warmly, standing behind me. I shrugged, standing up as well.
“Let’s go there?”
I nodded, both of us making our way to the café that we had found out about a few months back, both of us liking the ambience of the place. After purchasing our hot drinks, we again returned to the park, again sitting on the bench, again at the spot where we first started out then. I sipped my hot chocolate, the liquid warming my insides pleasantly. A happy sigh left me, him chuckling upon hearing it.
“So”
“So”
Both of us laughed at ourselves sheepishly before I waved on for him to start first.
“I probably have a lot to explain”
I nodded, watching him intently, paying close attention to him. I wouldn’t want to miss anything, not since he finally wanted to talk about it after all these while.
“I am an idiot”
“That is an understatement”
He pulled a woeful look at me, me offering a grin in reply. It feels good, to be able to smile and poke little playful barbs at each other, not having to think twice of the consequences, not having to feel as if I am walking on eggshells.
“I had a dream that day, on the rooftop”
He stared at me intently, wondering whether I can pinpoint which day he meant. It didn’t take me long to recall what he meant. He nodded, seeing recognition in my eyes.
“It started out happy enough and suddenly I was alone. You left me”
I stared at him incredulously. He did all that because of a dream?
“It opened my eyes. Though not for the better”
He held a finger to my lips, knowing that I am itching to butt in.
“Before you, I was never really in any serious relationship. Not since high school. And when I see you, you’re so different from me. It is like you are firefly that everyone is instinctively drawn to. I on the other hand am the total opposite. The moth that everyone sees and not see”
Was that how he felt all these while? So insignificant? If we were to compare, he is so much more than me. But why can't he see that?
“After that dream, I guess it made me think that what we have is just momentary. Like static. One minute its there, the next it’s gone and you barely know that it was there. I couldn’t have you leaving me, I didn’t want to come back one day and find you gone, finding someone better than me”
“So you decided to leave me first?”
He had the decency to flush at that, his eyes not meeting mine. Although I could understand his insecurity, myself having been through it numerous times, it doesn’t excuse his cheating on me now, does it?
“I was afraid that what we have are just illusions of my mind. I was afraid that I am putting too much into it and then it doesn’t bode the same for you. What happened with Satsuki, it wasn’t intentional”
I bite down hard on my own lip, stopping the retort is threatening to spill. I guess despite my wanting to have a relationship with Ruki, despite my still loving him, I still couldn’t forget that he was with the other vocalist, that he had been with Satsuki when we were together. Could we even repair this?
“Kai”
I turned to him, not realizing that the hot chocolate had spilt over my fingers, my clenching the paper cup too tightly. I waved off his concern, throwing the now useless cup into the dustbin nearby as I wiped my fingers with tissues that he offered silently. The scalding of the hot chocolate didn’t hurt as much as the pounding that my heart had endured.
“Continue”
“I do not want to try to justify what I had done. I do not know whether I will repeat the same mistakes. I do not know whether I can offer you what you need. Probably Miyavi is better for you, him being there for you when you need him, him doing everything that he can to make you happy”
“Are you trying to push me away?’
Ruki looked up from his fingers, shaking his head, reaching to hold my hand in his, the first contact causing static between us.
“I do not want to lie to you. Not anymore. I want you to know everything and consider it before you.. I mean if you want to.. I mean if we were to…”
“Get back together?”
He nodded, flustered. I pulled my hand away from him, resting it on my lap as I leant back on the bench, eyes staring up at the darkening sky, slightly obscured by the low hanging branches of the sleeping tree above us.
“Is it possible?”
Ruki pondered on my silent question before shrugging.
“I don’t know. Is it?”
“You know that I still…”
“Love me?”
I nodded.
“Me too”
“Do you?”
“Kai…”
“I don’t know. When we first got together, I thought that we had something special. I mean, you were my first boyfriend. I never thought that I would be involved with another guy, especially you. I always wondered, why did you choose me? Why did you fall for me? Especially when there are so many other people better than me. But then I didn’t want to let it go because of my insecurity. Not until it had happened, not until you really left me. I have doubts and suspicions on you and Satsuki even before that night. Did you know how that hurts?”
****
I watched the secondhand moving to the next digit and then to the next digit and then yet to another digit. It was already 2am. I sniffled into my tissue, discarding it into the trash next to me, cursing the cold that had me lying in my bed, sounding like a captured pig when I talk, my bones aching, making me wish that I do not exist. I hate getting sick. I shifted the heavy blankets off me, padding slowly towards the window where I sat, looking down at the empty street below.
I wonder whether the band had finished their brainstorming session for the new single, I know very well that sometimes we could end up just sleeping in the studio, tired after being cooped up in the studio, throwing out one idea after another that did not meet our expectations in some ways. Ruki had seemed particularly stressed these couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that he is taking too much responsibility, needing to design the concert goods as well as needing to be the words behind the lyrics. For us, the music is a joint effort, but for him, he needs to think of the said lyrics himself. And then him being a perfectionist, he would slave over the designs that he wants our goods to look like.
I do not have to look at the mirror to know that a pout had formed on my own face. Damn it. I miss my lover. Maybe it is because that I am sick, I feel even needier, wanting him to be with me. But then I barely saw the hair of him for the past few weeks. He had one time or another claim to have some pressing issues with the management, meeting some old friends, needing to get his muse, many excuses, some of which I do not know whether I even believe it but I didn’t want to get into a fight with him over my insecurities. I heaved a soft sigh, standing and discarding my clothes carelessly on the floor.
I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water soothe my aching muscles, washing away the grime and sweat built up during the day. After the shower, I felt more refreshed, more human. I quickly clothed myself in something comfortable, grabbing my keys, hating the weakness in my limbs as I walked slowly towards my car parked some distance away. Damn them for not building a car park near my apartment but almost ten minutes away, especially with my current physical situation. The early autumn air was a welcome breeze against my overheated body as I concentrated on one step and then another step. Should I buy for them some hot drinks and food if they are still awake? I stopped in front of the convenience store, hands fumbling around my clothes in my search for my hand phone. Damn it! I must have forgotten to bring it along with me. I backtracked, cursing at my own forgetfulness under my breath.
I paused at the traffic light in front of our apartment block, waiting for the light to turn green for me to cross it. I paused a second, seeing a car stopping in front of the apartment block. A familiar blonde left the car, soft laughter sounding in the still of the night. He leant forward, pressing a quick kiss to the driver’s lips before straightening again, giving a wave and then disappearing into the apartment block. I do not know how long I had stood there, how many times the pedestrian lights had changed, how long I had zoned out there, my mind unable to process it.
****
Both of us fell silent, listening the rustle of the leaves moved by the night breeze. A few stray leaves fell around us, one fell between our still bodies. I turned to look at it, a small smile appearing on my face. He too turned and look, questions in his eyes soon cleared when he saw it.
“First bud of the year”
I nodded, both of us looking at the small bud of sakura blossom on the bench between us. It is rare to see the cherry trees blossoming early, usually during this time of the year, the trees in Kyoto would only blossom first, the ones in Tokyo a few months later when it is approaching spring. Ruki reached for the blossom, holding it delicately between his fingers as he placed it on my palm.
“I can’t promise anything. But I would like to try this again”
I watched the delicate blossom on my palm, a symbol of new life, a new beginning. People never thought of the fact that a new beginning had to start with an end of something. I looked up at his hopeful face before I placed the blossom on the bench again, not wanting to crush it. I leant forward, savoring the soft lips on mine, a new beginning formed between us.
Rating : NC 17
Pairing : Ruki x Kai
Theme : IV - 21 - Sakura
Summary : “I can’t promise anything. But I would like to try this again".
A/N : This have to be the longest chapter of the entire fic. hoho.. already finished writing the spin off from Chptr 23 too. Hoho. Will post it up when this series is done. XD C&C welcomed. This is from Kai's POV! ^^
Past chapters
Chptr 1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 1 8, 19, 20
I sat at the cold bench on the park, watching my own breath in the cold air. I shoved my fingers deep into my pockets, cursing my own forgetfulness. I have again lost another pair of my gloves, and seeing that I thought I was running late, I didn’t bother with getting another pair. I looked at my watch again, frowning at it. The time didn’t change? Putting it to my ear, I didn’t hear any ticking sound. The overcast of the sky made it hard for me to estimate the time. Damn it.
“You’re early”
I jumped at the low voice from behind me, seeing Ruki bundled up warmly, standing behind me. I shrugged, standing up as well.
“Let’s go there?”
I nodded, both of us making our way to the café that we had found out about a few months back, both of us liking the ambience of the place. After purchasing our hot drinks, we again returned to the park, again sitting on the bench, again at the spot where we first started out then. I sipped my hot chocolate, the liquid warming my insides pleasantly. A happy sigh left me, him chuckling upon hearing it.
“So”
“So”
Both of us laughed at ourselves sheepishly before I waved on for him to start first.
“I probably have a lot to explain”
I nodded, watching him intently, paying close attention to him. I wouldn’t want to miss anything, not since he finally wanted to talk about it after all these while.
“I am an idiot”
“That is an understatement”
He pulled a woeful look at me, me offering a grin in reply. It feels good, to be able to smile and poke little playful barbs at each other, not having to think twice of the consequences, not having to feel as if I am walking on eggshells.
“I had a dream that day, on the rooftop”
He stared at me intently, wondering whether I can pinpoint which day he meant. It didn’t take me long to recall what he meant. He nodded, seeing recognition in my eyes.
“It started out happy enough and suddenly I was alone. You left me”
I stared at him incredulously. He did all that because of a dream?
“It opened my eyes. Though not for the better”
He held a finger to my lips, knowing that I am itching to butt in.
“Before you, I was never really in any serious relationship. Not since high school. And when I see you, you’re so different from me. It is like you are firefly that everyone is instinctively drawn to. I on the other hand am the total opposite. The moth that everyone sees and not see”
Was that how he felt all these while? So insignificant? If we were to compare, he is so much more than me. But why can't he see that?
“After that dream, I guess it made me think that what we have is just momentary. Like static. One minute its there, the next it’s gone and you barely know that it was there. I couldn’t have you leaving me, I didn’t want to come back one day and find you gone, finding someone better than me”
“So you decided to leave me first?”
He had the decency to flush at that, his eyes not meeting mine. Although I could understand his insecurity, myself having been through it numerous times, it doesn’t excuse his cheating on me now, does it?
“I was afraid that what we have are just illusions of my mind. I was afraid that I am putting too much into it and then it doesn’t bode the same for you. What happened with Satsuki, it wasn’t intentional”
I bite down hard on my own lip, stopping the retort is threatening to spill. I guess despite my wanting to have a relationship with Ruki, despite my still loving him, I still couldn’t forget that he was with the other vocalist, that he had been with Satsuki when we were together. Could we even repair this?
“Kai”
I turned to him, not realizing that the hot chocolate had spilt over my fingers, my clenching the paper cup too tightly. I waved off his concern, throwing the now useless cup into the dustbin nearby as I wiped my fingers with tissues that he offered silently. The scalding of the hot chocolate didn’t hurt as much as the pounding that my heart had endured.
“Continue”
“I do not want to try to justify what I had done. I do not know whether I will repeat the same mistakes. I do not know whether I can offer you what you need. Probably Miyavi is better for you, him being there for you when you need him, him doing everything that he can to make you happy”
“Are you trying to push me away?’
Ruki looked up from his fingers, shaking his head, reaching to hold my hand in his, the first contact causing static between us.
“I do not want to lie to you. Not anymore. I want you to know everything and consider it before you.. I mean if you want to.. I mean if we were to…”
“Get back together?”
He nodded, flustered. I pulled my hand away from him, resting it on my lap as I leant back on the bench, eyes staring up at the darkening sky, slightly obscured by the low hanging branches of the sleeping tree above us.
“Is it possible?”
Ruki pondered on my silent question before shrugging.
“I don’t know. Is it?”
“You know that I still…”
“Love me?”
I nodded.
“Me too”
“Do you?”
“Kai…”
“I don’t know. When we first got together, I thought that we had something special. I mean, you were my first boyfriend. I never thought that I would be involved with another guy, especially you. I always wondered, why did you choose me? Why did you fall for me? Especially when there are so many other people better than me. But then I didn’t want to let it go because of my insecurity. Not until it had happened, not until you really left me. I have doubts and suspicions on you and Satsuki even before that night. Did you know how that hurts?”
****
I watched the secondhand moving to the next digit and then to the next digit and then yet to another digit. It was already 2am. I sniffled into my tissue, discarding it into the trash next to me, cursing the cold that had me lying in my bed, sounding like a captured pig when I talk, my bones aching, making me wish that I do not exist. I hate getting sick. I shifted the heavy blankets off me, padding slowly towards the window where I sat, looking down at the empty street below.
I wonder whether the band had finished their brainstorming session for the new single, I know very well that sometimes we could end up just sleeping in the studio, tired after being cooped up in the studio, throwing out one idea after another that did not meet our expectations in some ways. Ruki had seemed particularly stressed these couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel that he is taking too much responsibility, needing to design the concert goods as well as needing to be the words behind the lyrics. For us, the music is a joint effort, but for him, he needs to think of the said lyrics himself. And then him being a perfectionist, he would slave over the designs that he wants our goods to look like.
I do not have to look at the mirror to know that a pout had formed on my own face. Damn it. I miss my lover. Maybe it is because that I am sick, I feel even needier, wanting him to be with me. But then I barely saw the hair of him for the past few weeks. He had one time or another claim to have some pressing issues with the management, meeting some old friends, needing to get his muse, many excuses, some of which I do not know whether I even believe it but I didn’t want to get into a fight with him over my insecurities. I heaved a soft sigh, standing and discarding my clothes carelessly on the floor.
I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water soothe my aching muscles, washing away the grime and sweat built up during the day. After the shower, I felt more refreshed, more human. I quickly clothed myself in something comfortable, grabbing my keys, hating the weakness in my limbs as I walked slowly towards my car parked some distance away. Damn them for not building a car park near my apartment but almost ten minutes away, especially with my current physical situation. The early autumn air was a welcome breeze against my overheated body as I concentrated on one step and then another step. Should I buy for them some hot drinks and food if they are still awake? I stopped in front of the convenience store, hands fumbling around my clothes in my search for my hand phone. Damn it! I must have forgotten to bring it along with me. I backtracked, cursing at my own forgetfulness under my breath.
I paused at the traffic light in front of our apartment block, waiting for the light to turn green for me to cross it. I paused a second, seeing a car stopping in front of the apartment block. A familiar blonde left the car, soft laughter sounding in the still of the night. He leant forward, pressing a quick kiss to the driver’s lips before straightening again, giving a wave and then disappearing into the apartment block. I do not know how long I had stood there, how many times the pedestrian lights had changed, how long I had zoned out there, my mind unable to process it.
****
Both of us fell silent, listening the rustle of the leaves moved by the night breeze. A few stray leaves fell around us, one fell between our still bodies. I turned to look at it, a small smile appearing on my face. He too turned and look, questions in his eyes soon cleared when he saw it.
“First bud of the year”
I nodded, both of us looking at the small bud of sakura blossom on the bench between us. It is rare to see the cherry trees blossoming early, usually during this time of the year, the trees in Kyoto would only blossom first, the ones in Tokyo a few months later when it is approaching spring. Ruki reached for the blossom, holding it delicately between his fingers as he placed it on my palm.
“I can’t promise anything. But I would like to try this again”
I watched the delicate blossom on my palm, a symbol of new life, a new beginning. People never thought of the fact that a new beginning had to start with an end of something. I looked up at his hopeful face before I placed the blossom on the bench again, not wanting to crush it. I leant forward, savoring the soft lips on mine, a new beginning formed between us.