Out of Choices - Chapter 21
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 21: Standstill (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 10,715
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
21. Standstill
A/N: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer’s ownership of all things Twilight: Stephenie Meyer νύχτα κατέχει στην ελληνική και εγώ. And though we’ve established this, I am amusing myself with this. My best friend is Greek. What can I say?
I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer, so says Mr. Darcy, and me. I am sick of looking at this chapter and trying to improve it. It’s transitional (across feelings and time) and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. And holy crap I just realized it's another 10K. I am definitely not succinct.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Lots and lots of hits on the story this week, which is exciting, until I stop to realize that you all are not commenting and then I start thinking ‘maybe they aren’t liking it?’ So colour me paranoid but please review and make a poor author feel a little more happy.
And welcome to everyone who might have made it over here from the under appreciated story rec thread at Twilighted(dot)net.
I know you’re all waiting for Bella’s take on the date. So here you have it, from Bella’s POV…
I admit the asshole got me with the phone thing. I didn’t think about his cell phone and since I knew he was out on the porch, I figured I was safe to answer the goddamn phone. Obviously I wasn’t, so fine you prick, you got me. Colour me gullible. I wasn’t falling for his bullshit twice so when he called the second time I just ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I’d tell Charlie it was telemarketers. He hated those motherfuckers so he wouldn’t be mad at me.
There was a definite sense of power from staying in the house where Edward couldn’t get to me, knowing he was on the porch trying to find a way to make me to talk to him. Don’t think I didn’t consider leaving the jerk out there talking to himself like he deserved, but I realized if I did that, he would think I was afraid to face him. I wasn’t going to give him the fucking satisfaction of thinking he had anything to hold over me. I may have been seriously pissed and humiliated by being stood up, but I wasn’t afraid of anyone, and certainly not Edward Cullen. I reminded myself that I wasn’t going to give a piece of myself away to him or anyone, and I opened the door.
I really didn’t care if he was sorry. I really didn’t care why he didn’t show up at the restaurant, or why he was at the door. I didn’t care what he could offer me, or how good he could make me feel, or what I might be missing out on. It didn’t matter if he was right, or wrong, or lying through his fucking teeth about every last detail. None of it mattered. We would never be more than two people who knew how to push each other’s buttons. I could see that now. He didn’t care about me. He probably wasn’t even capable of it. And even if I was wrong, the powers that be were going to make sure that we never got past the ginormous disaster that we always turned into. Fire and ice, oil and water, black and white - you could make a million comparisons but they would all turn out the same way. We couldn’t mix in a way that made sense in any lasting way. We could use each other up, burn each other out, smother one another, but at the end of the day one of us would cease to exist. I wasn’t willing to lose myself for his benefit.
In hindsight, I wasn’t exactly expecting that he’d dare me to kiss him, but I probably should have been. It was the just the sort of shit that the arrogant little prick was about. All I wanted to do was face him and tell him to fuck off and show him that he didn’t win. And I wanted to get the whole irritating scene over with so I could put Edward Cullen behind me. I tried to put him off, but I was in exactly the same position I was in with not answering the door. If I refused to kiss him then he would have held it over me, and walked around thinking that he was better than me and he’s just fucking not. And maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him, or touched him, or let him touch me, but who the fuck cares? I wasn’t a stupid motherfucker any longer; I was in control. He came for a fucking kiss and I gave him one. It meant nothing, and I told him as much when we finished, just before I left him standing alone on the porch the way he started. The difference this time was that he had no claim on me.
I went upstairs and pushed my earbuds in and turned my iPod up as loud as it would go. He could bang on the door and scream for me all fucking night if he wanted. I wouldn’t hear him. He was nothing to me, just a mistake, the past. Thank God I’d stopped things before I let him manipulate me into really feeling cared about. That would have been as stupid as fuck. I was smarter than that. I was stronger, and capable, and better. I was alone, the way it used to be, the way it always should have been, the way it was intended to be. I had my aloneness and my lines and I would be fine. I squeezed my eyes shut and let the loudness and anger of the music wash over me and take me away, far, far away, away from the pissy-ass town of Forks Washington and towards possibility, towards the future, towards freedom.
Somewhere along the way I fell asleep and the music ended and the dreaming began. I remember an eerie silence and white everywhere. No shapes or objects, just white and grey clouds or fog, and nothing else but silence. I wasn’t uncomfortable, but I wasn’t comfortable either, wandering into the fog listlessly, almost like I was looking for something, or a way out. His voice broke the silence, calling my name in the velvety low tone that never ceased to affect me. There was still nothing around me, just the mix of pale fogginess that enveloped me. I called for him loudly, turning in circles and searching for him but he didn’t answer or come for me. I remember the panic taking over and the tightness in my chest and how it was hard to even breathe. Then the tears started. I fell to my knees and I begged for him through my tears to come and find me. I told him I loved him. I told him I needed him. I told him that I lied when I said he meant nothing and that he was everything to me. And then he appeared in front of me in his pale leather jacket and dark jeans, wearing my favourite crooked grin. He bent down to me on one knee and I whispered, ‘You came for me.’ He nodded and held out his hand to me and whispered, ‘Look into my eyes Bella. You’ll see I’m not lying. You’re the one who’s hiding.’ I reached for him and he disappeared in front of my eyes. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and massive sobs ripping through my chest and his words echoing through my head. I was still clothed and my earbuds were still in and I was still alone. I pushed the tears aside and dried my cheeks with my sleeves but it was no use. The tears just kept coming and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do to stop them.
Even in my fucking dreams he knew I was lying and it just wasn’t fair. “Why?” I murmured. Why did he have to know me so well? Why did I ever let him close to me? Why did I think for once things might actually work out? I shook my head trying to get his words out of my head. “No…dammit…no…” There was no volume to my voice, no strength to force out my hollow conviction. There was no honesty in my words and I knew it. I yanked my headphones out and whipped my whole iPod, earbuds and all, across the room at the wall. Stupid Edward and his truths! I didn’t want him to know me so well. I didn’t want to dream about him or cry for him or hear his words in my head. And I absolutely fucking refused to acknowledge the truth because I knew it would break me. Somehow I needed to find a way to flip the truth on its ass, and I needed my anger to do it. I would never get over him without it. I knew him. He was going to come for me every day, chip away at me and try and take his piece of me. My anger was the only thing I had to fight back with. I couldn’t allow him to take anything from me, not my heart, not my pride, not one single part of me.
I need to flush him out of my system though, so just for tonight, I let myself cry; one last outpouring of emotion in honour of what would never be. I rolled on to my side and pulled my comforter over me and just let the sadness and dread and helplessness take me. I was alone and no one would know if I cried myself to sleep. I cried until I had no tears left and I said my goodbyes to Edward and to the dreams I’d let myself hope for. I made peace with it the only way I knew how and resolved to go back to being closed off and cold. I replayed every shitty thing he’d ever said or done to me to remind myself of who he really was and built that wall back up brick by brick, and tear by tear. It was the only way.
*****
It’s amazing what you can convince yourself of in the wee hours of the morning, some seriously stupid things, I’m telling you. I, for instance, convinced myself that I wasn’t spending enough time with Charlie and invited myself to go fishing with him on Saturday. I sat in his boat covered in bug spray and sun block, wearing his stupid floppy hat with all his picky fishing lures that were poking my head and making my scalp itchy, and sweating to death in the ugly oversized chest waders he insisted we’d need that we hadn’t used yet, trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking last night. I needed to rethink the whole making major entertainment decisions in the middle of the night idea, although avoidance was high on my list of things to do today, so it was a trade off.
“What? You look cute,” Charlie smiled.
“Fuck you,” I laughed. “I’m smelly and sweaty and your idiotic fish lures are poking my head.”
“Okay, so maybe not ‘date cute,’” he agreed, using air quotes to stress his point. He thought he was so hip and he was so not hip. “But you look ready to catch a fish.”
“Are we there yet?” I complained.
“Yeah, climb out kid, but move slowly. Those waders will stick in the mud when you move and seeing as how the boots on those fuckers are a good six sizes too big for you, you will go face first into the water if you get your foot stuck.”
“Gee, thanks Charlie.” I rolled my eyes at him and questioned my sanity as I slowly eased my body over the side of the boat backwards. The boat began to rock and I could feel my balance shifting unsteadily, but Charlie’s hand came out to steady me.
“Good shot Bells. Now grab your rod and head towards that grass over there.”
I waded out towards where he’d pointed, trying to not press my feet too hard or too long in any one spot to avoid getting stuck. I could see what Charlie meant. My boot formed little pockets of suction in the mud at the bottom of the river. One wrong move and I was going to face plant. He followed behind me so he could show me how to cast and then guided me towards a small inlet that was easily maneuverable and left me to work it out. I could see the appeal after a little while. It was ultra quiet except for the babble of the moving water. I closed my eyes and listened harder. I could hear a few birds and the buzzing and clicking of the cicadas, but other than that we were alone. There were no other people around and I didn’t have to worry about running into anyone or being caught off guard by anyone or even having to talk to anyone. It was peaceful. By the end of the day I was glad I’d gone with him, and Charlie caught some fabulous fish that I told him I’d cook for dinner.
“I had fun today Bells,” Charlie mumbled from behind the newspaper he was reading at the kitchen table.
“Yeah, um, me too,” I agreed, moving around the kitchen as I prepared dinner. “Sorry I kind of sucked at catching fish.”
“It’s more about the journey,” Charlie offered, and I understood what he meant. “So there’s been something I wanted to ask you about.”
I gulped. I could tell by the tone in his voice this would be no easy conversation. He already sounded uncomfortable. ‘Mmm-hmm?”
“That crying the other night…you ahhh…” He stopped to clear his throat. “Those tears weren’t over your Mom were they?” I was glad my back was to him because my mouth popped open and I’m sure that my eyes were as big as saucers. “Did you want to tell me about it?”
“There’s nothing really to tell Charlie,” I lied, wanting very much to not delve any further into the uncomfortable subject of Edward Cullen.
“Was it over a boy?”
“What?” I choked out.
“I’m guessing it’s the same guy that fixed your truck?” he surmised. I guess I was under the misapprehension that because Charlie didn’t ask many questions that he didn’t notice things, and clearly I was dead fucking wrong. “I would have helped you kid.”
“I know. You were working late that night and I got stuck at the side of the road. I had no phone to call you or I would have.”
“So who helped you?” He pulled one corner of the newspaper down to look at me while I answered.
“A guy from school.” I had a silent conversation with my cheeks. Please don’t blush, please don’t blush, please don’t blush.
“Bells, he’s not ‘just a guy’ if he can make you cry like that.”
“I never said he was the one who made me cry.” I knew I sounded defensive and was completely wasting my time trying to deny anything.
“You didn’t have to.” He smiled widely at me, all parental and shit. “Do I get to meet him? I sort of owe it to your Mom to stay on top of who you’re dating…and make sure you’re being safe...”
“We’re not dating.”
“People aren’t necessarily…what I mean to say is that sex and dating aren’t always mutually exclusive.” He said it so matter-of-factly I wondered if all men were just born with some gene that made them insensitive to women across the board.
“You think I’m having sex?” I laughed, hoping the mere suggestion of it might make him shut the fuck up and change the subject.
“It wouldn’t be the first time that a kid your age was sexually active. It wasn’t exactly a conversation I wanted to have with your Mom. I figured your love life was between you and her, but now that she’s gone…well…”
“Can’t it just stay between me and Mom?” I pleaded.
“I don’t need to know the wheres and the whatnots,” he assured me. “Just your assurance that you’re being safe. And I can get you to the doctor if you need…” He pushed his hand through his hair roughly. “Protection… And I wouldn’t mind meeting the guy, just so I can get a look at him.”
“Anything else?” I charged, glaring at him. “For someone who normally stays out of my business, this is pretty intrusive Charlie.”
“I promised your Mom, Bells,” he stated confidently. He took his promises seriously and I couldn’t fault him for that.
“I’m going to work from the assumption that you don’t want to have this conversation too often with me, although truthfully I was hoping it would be fornever. Yes, the guy that helped me with my truck is the same guy that made me cry. We aren’t dating. We aren’t having sex. We aren’t even getting along most of the time. I was a stupid motherfucker to fall for him because we couldn’t be more wrong for one another. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I never have to see him again.” I lifted my eyes to Charlie who was staring at me wide-eyed. “And also I would like to never have this conversation with you again…please.”
“So you don’t need protection then?” Charlie smirked. I whipped the oven mitt at his head.
“No more than you do.”
“Smartass! How would you know if I needed protection?” he joked.
“First you’d have to have a life Charlie, and then you’d have find someone crazy enough to want to have sex with you, and I’m guessing that would be the biggest hurdle right there,” I teased. “And for the record, if you were having sex, I would have the decency to be completely uninterested in your extracurricular activities. Just ewww.” I shuddered. Charlie laughed at me.
“I know it sucks having to share this stuff with me and not your Mom, Bells, but I promised her I’d take care of you. It doesn’t mean we’re going to like every part of it.”
I nodded and when he looked like he might say something else I cut him off. “Hey, I said please.”
“Okay, okay. When is dinner going to be ready then?”
“Ten minutes. Go set up the TV tables in the den. We’ll watch the game while we eat,” I offered. It would make him happy and at least one of us should be happy. Besides, if Charlie’s mind was on the game he would not think to ask me further about my nonexistent sex life. I’d sit through a game for that.
*****
I breathed a sigh of relief when I woke up Sunday morning and realized that I hadn’t had any dreams last night. Maybe it was more about keeping him out of my mind than trying to get him out of my heart? The love thing would fade with time. One day it would be nothing more than another scar on an already grievously scarred heart, nothing more than a whisper in my ear of something I couldn’t quite place. It would take time, but luckily or not, I had oodles of time on my hands. Maybe the key was keeping him out of my sight? I pondered how I could avoid Edward as much as possible while I ate my cereal that morning.
Sunday was a drag no matter which way I looked at it. Charlie had to work and that left me with way too much downtime. Being alone was dangerous for me in general, and given the events that unfolded Friday, being alone with nothing to do was lethal. It gave me way too much fucking time to let my mind wander to places it shouldn’t be allowed to go, to dream dreams it shouldn’t wish for, to believe in possibility that didn’t exist. It was a serious challenge to keep he who shall not be named out of my head. I worked at keeping my mind focused on the facts, and I tried to center my thoughts on what I had in my life and finding a way to make it be enough.
I piddled around the house. I washed my truck, cleaned my room, did laundry and finished up some homework. That took me all of three hours. Then I started looking for shit to do that would keep me busy. I landed up in the bathroom with some rubber gloves and every cleanser known to man. I scrubbed that fucker from top to bottom. I even sacrificed my toothbrush in the name of clean grout. Logically I realized that scouring the grout with a toothbrush was way over the top but it kept me busy. I sprayed, squirted, wiped, scrubbed, buffed, disinfected, and deodorized every surface, from the mirrors to the floor, until the whole place shone. Did I mention I fucking hated cleaning the bathroom? Even still, it was a way better option than giving myself time to change my mind or regret shit or lose my resolve.
Charlie brought home pizza so neither one of us would have to cook, and we kicked back in front of the TV while we ate. I made excuses after we finished and headed to bed early. I had made it through the weekend with relative ease but I knew tomorrow would be a different story. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to break my own rule and think about him. I had to be ready for how to handle things when I saw him tomorrow.
The basic problem was easy - he owned me. I had proven time and time again that I could not control myself physically around him. Even when he kissed me Friday night I enjoyed every fucking second of it - I didn’t want to, I tried not to, and I pretty much pretended for as long as fucking possible to be unaffected and unattached and completely emotionless, but he made it friggen impossible not to respond. He just got me. He knew how to kiss me and how to touch me and made it all seem effortless somehow. I don’t even think it was where he touched me as much as it was how he touched me. If I had written a fucking manual entitled ‘How to Touch Bella Swan If You Want To Get Her Off,’ then he had it memorized. If I turned it into a lecture series, he could be a guest lecturer. In fact, I’d probably have to cite him as a reference in the book and grant him the title of expert. But I’d lived seventeen years without being touched like that, and I could live without it again. Notice I never asked myself the question of whether I wanted to live without it, because that was Pandora’s fucking box and I was so not going there.
Given my inability to behave myself, that meant I had to come up with some new rules. I liked my rules. In the past, when I’d been smart enough to apply them, they had worked solidly for me. The main goal was to avoid Edward Cullen as much as possible. The easiest change was lunch. No more lunches in the cafeteria. I would eat in my truck. I would avoid the common areas as much as possible. No more sneaking to the quad to look for him. I would search out parking on the other side of the school in order to avoid the lot if it was possible. That left me with biology. I doubted Mr. Banner would let me switch seats with someone, although I might be able to get Mike to switch with me if I agreed to go out with him. I shuddered. Then again, just trying to get Mike to understand that he would be sitting beside Edward and not me might be a hurdle. He wasn’t exactly quick witted when it came to picking up on even really fucking obvious things. Besides, I was probably putting too much stock in Mike’s crush. Even if he really liked me, he hated Edward. I doubted anything short of sexual favours would sway him into permanently moving seats with me. I was stuck sitting beside Edward, whether I liked it or not.
Of course, even if I had to sit beside him, that didn’t mean I had to talk to him, or look at him, or be affected by him. I mean I had done all of those things in the past, but that was before my mental health depended on avoiding those things. The stakes were so much higher now. No looking. No talking. And above every other fucking thing, no touching. He knew how to break me down. I couldn’t give him the opportunity. I had to ignore the glorious bastard as much as possible. I would also have to make sure I checked my irritation at the door every day. He knew how to push my buttons. I couldn’t stop him from trying, but I could try to control my reaction to it. And if I lost my focus for any reason, then I had to remind myself that we could never be together and survive intact. No cafeteria, no parking lot, no quad, no looking, no talking, no touching, ignore, impervious, and unemotional. That was my plan and tomorrow I would see if I could put it into action.
*****
Monday morning I pulled around the far side of the school and was able to find parking easily enough across the street from the building. I looked at it as a sign of good things to come. Maybe this one time the universe would be on my side. Like I promised myself, I avoided the quad between classes and took the long way around every building, finding completely new routes to my classes. There were moments where I felt like I was being a paranoid fucking idiot worrying that Edward might be trying to track me down, but all it took was one reminder that I was better safe than sorry to push those thoughts from my mind. I ate lunch in my truck by myself with a book, and really just tried to fade into the story and forget the world existed for the hour. There was no point in working myself up before biology, so I did my best to chill and put everything but the story out of my mind. The last thing I did before class was remind myself that I was in control and that he could not take a piece of me if I didn’t give it to him. I had to remain unaffected. That was the key to surviving the hour.
He was already sitting at our desk when I got to the classroom and I briefly debated asking Mr. Banner for a new seat assignment, and then offering Mike the best blowjob he’d ever had if he’d switch seats with me. It was just my luck that Mike was absent that period. I tossed my books on the desk and sat down.
“Hello,” he murmured, velvet tone intact, totally mindfucking me in one word. I reminded myself that he had no power over me, even if I didn’t completely believe it.
“Hey,” I replied casually, not looking at him and totally following my rules like a good girl.
“I’m very sorry Bella,” he continued. I cut him off, because I was not about to do this dance with him in the middle of class, or ever for that matter.
“I know, and if you don’t mind, this isn’t really the place to discuss this. I’d appreciate it if you could just drop it.” I kept my eyes on the desktop, feeling a bit rude for not making eye contact when I spoke, but doing my best to sound persuasive and confident.
“I really can’t drop it Bella. And I appreciate that this is not the place to have this discussion, but since you won’t talk to me outside of school I’m rather backed into a corner aren’t I?”
“You had your say on Friday,” I whispered pointedly. I let my head turn slightly in his direction in acknowledgement but only briefly, and then I forced my eyes forward. I was very careful not to look at him.
“Was that when you walked away or when you pulled the phone cord out of the wall?” How the fuck did he know I pulled the ripped the cord out of the wall?
“That would be when you didn’t show up for our date. We all have choices. You made yours.” I didn’t even have to work to keep my voice even and I was proud of myself for so clearly understanding the connections between what was planned and what actually occurred.
“Or choices are made for us.” Way to take responsibility there asshole.
“Whichever, it doesn’t fucking matter. What’s done is done.” I could feel the anger swelling and I beat it back down because it wouldn’t help.
“It’s not set in stone.” There was something in his voice that made me flinch inwardly because I knew exactly what his eyes would look like. “And it matters to me Bella.”
“Not to me,” I assured him, ignoring the conviction I heard in his voice and the way my name curled around his tongue just so.
“I guess that means I have to care enough for both of us then,” he whispered forlornly. I felt like a total bitch for saying nothing to his statement, but there was nothing I could say that wouldn’t start a fight, and I knew that would not help. I fought to keep my focus on what was best for me while his words echoed in my head and chipped away at the walls I had put back up.
When class was finished I felt him tap my shoulder, breaking my no touching rule. I shot him a glare thereby breaking my own no looking rule. I sighed; there were so many rules and they were all way too easy to break. “If you don’t believe me about Friday you can ask Alice you know?”
I twisted awkwardly in my seat so I wouldn’t be able to look at him again, pretending to rummage through my backpack to keep my attention away from him. “I already told you. It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s that I don’t care.”
“Not at all?” he asked quietly.
“Nope.”
“So you believe me that I’m sorry for being late and that I was unavoidably detained but it doesn’t make any difference? I made one mistake and that’s the end of everything? No more tries, no more friendship, no more anything?”
I sat up straight and pretended to look at the ceiling like I was thinking about what to say, all just to avoid looking him straight in the face. “We shouldn’t have ever tried to force something that clearly doesn’t work. It was…a mistake.”
“The date that never happened was a mistake? Or everything?” I didn’t understand why he was pressing this or what he was trying to get me to say.
I dropped my eyes back down to the desktop. “Trying to make us into something more than we are,” I explained.
“Oh I see…I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree then.”
“I guess.” That was fine with me.
“Can I walk you to gym?” That was not fine with me.
“No thanks. I’ll walk myself.”
“Perhaps some other time then. It was nice to see you Bella. I was worried when I didn’t see you at lunch today.” He turned and walked away and left me standing there, feeling impossibly more broken without even trying. Without even realizing it, I had braced myself to fight against the way he always fought me, not for his acceptance, and now I was wound up tightly and ready to pounce and there was nothing to pounce on. It was more proof that he and I would never find a common ground we could exist together on, always out of sync, never reading the other’s moods or intentions right. It was also more proof that I needed anger management classes, or so said Lauren Mallory and our gym teacher when I took things a wee bit too far in gym. I can’t help it if she didn’t listen to me when I told her not to push me.
I took my time after school, in no particular rush to get home and begin the process of not thinking about he who shall not be named. When I was unlocking the truck I noticed there was something on the seat and I couldn’t remember leaving anything there. I picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it. His handwriting was unmistakable.
“If you’re right, then you’re my favourite mistake.”
I never really got his words out of my head that night. I probably assigned every conceivable context to them, and some of them twice or three times. Eventually I just filed them away into the category of once wished and no longer wished for. It was easier to process and compartmentalize his words once they were categorized and didn’t sting quite so much, and it didn’t matter if they were real or logical or if they even made sense.
The next day was more or less the same. I parked on the other side of the school, took the long way around to classes, avoided the quad and ate lunch in my truck again. I brought my iPod and spent the hour listening to music. It wasn’t as good a diversion as the book because Edward would pop into my head where our playlists crossed paths. I decided that tonight I would wipe my iPod and rebuild a new playlist. I needed the music, not the reminders.
We barely spoke during biology, trading a few questions regarding the assignment we were supposed to do together that we were both completing independently. Mr. Banner came to check on us and noticed that we each had to refer to our assignment sheets and that the answers didn’t match. He actually lectured us for our lack of cooperation. It was rather laughable. Most kids got reprimanded for talking too much and we caught shit for speaking too little.
“You kids can’t expect to learn the basics of this lab if you don’t work together. It’s a two person job.” I really wasn’t worried about finishing the work. It had never been a problem before. In fact, I highly doubted we would actually complete it if we had to talk because there were too many personal distractions floating between us. I felt rather responsible for our lack of communication though, and I didn’t think it was fair for Edward to get blamed for something that had been my decision so I spoke up.
“It’s my fault Mr. Banner. I told Edward to stop talking to me. He was only doing what I requested.”
“Edward, is this true?” Mr. Banner wondered.
“No Sir. I encumbered our assignment all on my own.” Traitor!
“Well seeing as you two can’t seem to work together we’ll see if a little detention will get you straightened around.” I made a mental note to lie through my fucking teeth next time, or deny shit, or just to keep my goddamn mouth closed.
“But Sir,” I complained.
“Isabella, did you want to go for two days?” Mr Banner charged.
“It’s Bella Mr. Banner,” Edward corrected. If we had been on speaking terms, I would have smacked him because I knew where Mr. Banner was going to go after Edward’s correction.
“Two it is. Shall we go for three?”
“No Sir,” we answered in unison. I bit back a smile, imagining we were in kindergarten, because that’s what it felt like. When class ended he asked if he could walk me to gym and just like yesterday I told him no. It was better that way, but still not easy to be asked or to turn him down. I wished he would stop asking, but there was a part of me that was glad that he continued to do so, the sick masochistic part that wanted to have at Edward, come what may. At least I was smarter than that part of me.
I could sense Edward behind me as I walked to the detention room after gym; all that strange electricity the lurked and lurched and controlled me whenever I got too close to him. It was odd that he was a good fifty feet from me yet I felt it as strongly as if he were beside me. I paused in the doorway of the room and contemplated where to sit. It was relatively empty but I didn’t need to fight with the urge to stare at Edward for the whole hour so I plunked myself down in the front right corner. Edward walked by my seat to drop his slip on the teacher’s desk and then circled around and sat down at the back on the opposite side of the room.
I tried not to notice my irritation, convincing myself that it was related to the actual detention, but in the back of my mind I knew it was Edward’s choice of seat. Again he hadn’t done what I had expected. I thought he would sit right beside me and make the whole hour a hand-to-hand combat. Maybe I had pushed him away enough times that he finally understood that I wasn’t going to change my mind? Or maybe he instinctively knew what I’d always known, that I wasn’t worth the effort.
The harder I tried not to think of him, the more I thought about him. I felt like he was watching every fucking thing I was doing but when I turned my head to check I always found him looking out the window or down at his desktop. He was actually being a pretty good sport about things, and me, well I was driving myself insane with paranoia and confusion. I was actually pissed off by the time I left detention. He hadn’t said a single word to me but I was every bit as mad as I would have been if we’d had a full-blown button pushing smack down.
I heard his velvety voice when I was leaving and felt his breath on my neck as he leaned forward to whisper to me. “Bella, are you okay. You look upset?”
I turned at exactly the wrong second and was met by a pair of very concerned brown eyes only inches away from mine. I froze for a second, absolutely stuck in his gaze. “I’m fine,” I mumbled, not bothering to care if I sounded impolite, rushing in the general direction of my truck. I was thankful I hadn’t parked in the lot or he would have been able to follow me. I was in a full out panic by the time I reached the truck, my mind cycling through being so close to him and the cause of my irritation and how close I felt to breaking apart. I spotted the piece of paper as soon as I pulled my keys out.
“If I could, I’d whisper ‘Please come back to me,’ and reach out for your hand.”
That night was far worse than the prior night. There was no mistaking the words he’d used, no reapplying the context to change their meaning. They were targeted with purposeful aim and hit their mark dead to rights center. I knew he meant them affectionately. There was no other context the words could be used in and they were written in such a way that I couldn’t misinterpret them as him throwing my words back in my face. It was Edward, being thoughtful and showing me how he felt.
And whether he intended it or not, his words stung a little. I could appreciate the sentiment a little too intimately, and using my own words against me was probably the smartest fucking thing he could have done. It made me realize that I wasn’t being fair to him and I didn’t need that shit. I couldn’t afford to care about fairness right now when I was worried about keeping my head above the water so I wouldn’t drown. If I let him take me under I would be caught in his riptide and it would be the end of me.
Wednesday was more of Monday and Tuesday, a same shit different day sort of day. Same parking. Same avoiding. When I went to unlock my truck to eat lunch Alice appeared out of nowhere. She must have been waiting for me. “Hey Alice,” I smiled, happy to see her and then sort of took a step back because I didn’t know why she tracked me down.
“Is this where you’ve been hiding?”
“Kind of,” I admitted, feeling a bit ashamed of my immature behaviour.
“You can’t tell me it’s more fun eating in your truck than the cafeteria. There’s no built in freak show to gossip about.”
“I’m not much of a gossiper Alice.”
“Are you okay?” she wondered in a quiet voice.
“I’m fine,” I lied, not wanting to ask if she meant in general or with respect to her brother.
“That’s what he says when I ask him, and you both have the same unhappy look on your faces.”
“Alice,” I warned, raising my eyes from the ground to glare at her in a way that clearly indicated that I wanted her to back the fuck off the subject she was trying to broach.
“What?” she charged. “He’s my brother Bella, and it’s not like I don’t have eyes, even if both of you are pushing me away.” I was surprised that Edward hadn’t confided in Alice. I expected she would know the whole disastrous story.
“I’m not pushing you away,” I said quietly. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“I may not be the cause, but you hiding from my brother affects me too.”
“I’m not hiding from him Alice. I’m just trying to…survive.”
“He misses you. And before you ask, no, he didn’t tell me that. He hasn’t said anything to me about you. Not one word. I just know him.” She was full on pouting.
“Did you come to ride me about this?” I wondered, wishing she would stop.
“He’s trying very hard to play by your rules.”
“Can you please stop Alice? I really don’t want to fucking talk about this, and certainly not with you. You’re way too biased.”
“I’m not biased. I just want you both to be happy, and I’ll support whatever it is that gets you there. And no, I didn’t come to ride you about this. I’m done. I actually came looking for you to make sure you were okay, and to see if you’re a tiny bit excited about the ski trip this weekend.”
“That’s this weekend?” Why did I ever promise to go?
“Yes. Is it going to be a problem?”
“No, it’s fine.” Even I could hear the doubt in my forced assurance.
“I know that face. I won’t let you regret coming. We will have fun together.”
“You and me? What about Jasper?” I wondered.
“Jasper is sharing a room with Emmett and you and I are sharing a room, if that’s okay. I figured you’d rather share with me than some random stranger.”
“Rosalie’s not coming?”
“Rose hates skiing. She doesn’t like to wear hats and the goggles ‘dent’ her hair, or so she tells me.”
I hesitated asking but needed to know. “And Edward?” I inquired timidly.
“He didn’t sign up.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “You might want to ask him though. Just because he didn’t tell me doesn’t mean he didn’t change his mind.”
“Ok. I’ll ask him today.” If I can work up the courage to, that is.
I never found the courage to ask him in biology. We were doing our best to work on the lab together, being courteous and polite and in general behaving like anyone other than who we were. I was snark-less. He was vex-less. It was rather depressing to see what we had turned in to. There was a small and dangerous part of me that missed our regular back and forth, and even though I’d beaten that part into submission, it had survived, intact and festering. Again he asked to walk me to gym and again I turned him down. You couldn’t say he wasn’t a persistent motherfucker.
I beat him to detention and took the same seat I had yesterday. I told myself I didn’t care where he sat but I was curious where it would be. I pretended not to be mortifyingly disappointed when he took the same seat as before. It was certainly going to make bringing up the ski trip more difficult. That was the excuse I used for my irritation and it was really fucking transparent, even to me. I spent most of the hour trying to convince myself to just fucking ask him already, but when the hour was done I still hadn’t found the nerve. It was not smart in terms of sticking with my plans to be prepared and remain unaffected. I shouldn’t have waited to be backed into a corner by the dismissal of detention where I would have to throw caution to the wind. I grabbed my backpack and rushed out the door, waiting for him in the hallway. It was dumb. It was the opposite of casual. It was so friggen obvious.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there, as if in shock. And I felt like complete shit for the mixed signals I was sending. “I was wondering if you were going on the ski trip this weekend?” I blurted imprudently.
“Did you want me to?” he asked with a smile. It wasn’t a smile that said, “Does she really want me to go?” It was one that said “I know you want me to go, don’t you?” Any and all guilt I felt about asking something that was really none of my business flew out the window.
“Don’t fuck with me Cullen. Just answer the goddamn question.”
“I thought this was your time with Alice?” he asked.
“Can you ever just answer a question?” I growled, irritated.
“I didn’t sign up for the ski trip,” he informed me, smirking. At least the fact that he was enjoying irritating me was normal.
I turned away from him and started to walk down the hallway, but about ten feet past him I stopped and spun back towards him. “You could have just said ‘no’ and made this easier for me.” I didn’t wait for him to reply and I never heard him speak as I walked away from him. I know it wasn’t his job to make my life easier, but it sure as hell wasn’t his fucking job to make it harder either.
Another day, another note.
“We are a mistake worth making Bella.”
As always he was sure of everything, and I was sure of nothing, except that he was wrong. I know he believed what he was saying and I hated to keep disappointing him. His words were poetic. His ideas were sentimental. His notes were romantic. On a normal girl they would have worked and gotten him just what he wanted. He made it easy to forget that we were no good for one another. He made it hard to hold on to the notion that I was saving him from my catastrophic clusterfuck of a life. He made me want to believe that it could all be as easy as just wanting it, but I understood the difference between wanting it and actually believing it was possible. I knew what we were. Our intensity would evolve like a supernova, exploding into a blinding light and burning brightly in its interim before we met with total collapse. Neither of us would survive.
I had more crazy truth dreams that night staring he who shall not be named. I woke up in tears again, wishing he didn’t know me so well and wishing my subconscious would just shut the fuck up, but the dreams didn’t change my resolve. I was still dead set against anything that involved Edward and I becoming anything to one another. It was just me being stupid enough to let myself burn by wanting it.
Thursday he said nothing to me at all, just gave me one small smile when I sat down in biology. He had stopped looking at me, stopped trying to talk to me, stopped asking if he could walk me to class. All I had Thursday was his note.
“I would give up every kiss we’ve ever shared if you’d give me one more chance.”
I had convinced myself that what was between us was nothing more than a physical thing to him and this note pretty much blew that theory out of the water. If we took back every kiss, what would be left with? Two people who annoyed the shit out of each other and no outlet for our unresolved sexual tension. I held fast to my idea that we were no good for each other and it was hollow and lonely and totally fucking cold, but it was the way it had to be. We couldn’t change reality. We couldn’t fight fate.
Friday was Thursday on repeat. No talking. No touching. No looking, just like I wanted it and I hated every fucking second of it. I tried to snap out of it and I knew Alice was going to kick my ass if I didn’t. I really did try. Friday’s note was the worst of the week.
“I need you. I miss you. Please don’t run away from me Bella.”
Total fucking honesty. I could hear his voice in my head saying the words, the syllables he would hold on to, the pleading in his tone, even the intensity his eyes would burn with. He had said those words to me before, ‘please don’t run away from me Bella.’ His words that day had been a guarantee of his acceptance of me and of his belief in us. A week had gone by since our quasi-non-date and even though I had pushed him away and kept him as far away as I could, he was still being thoughtful and respectful and giving. All I could feel was anger at the whole situation. Why couldn’t I just fucking believe him?
It took me a few minutes to collect myself but as soon as I did, I drove straight home and gathered my stuff by the front door. I tucked all of his notes into the side of my bag and tried to extricate him and all of my feelings from my mind. I owed Alice that much. She was picking me up and driving me back to the school so I didn’t have to leave my truck there over the weekend. I didn’t even know that Alice drove so I was surprised when she asked if I wanted a ride, but it was one less thing for me to be bothered with so I accepted her offer. I had enough on my mind as it was, like not killing myself while strapped to two pieces of composite carbon-Kevlar or stabbing myself with the rather pointy poles I was required to carry. The entire notion of me skiing was worse than flirting with disaster. It was like propositioning death. It would be a small miracle if I could pull this off.
I heard the doorbell and grabbed my bag before opening the door for Alice. She was standing on the porch, smiling ear to ear. “Hi Bella. Are you ready to go?”
“As ready as I’m ever going to be,” I announced, trying to sound like I wasn’t completely terrified of what I was doing. I looked over Alice’s shoulder at the enormous red jeep parked in the driveway. “What the fuck is that Alice?”
“Oh that’s Emmett’s Jeep. He’s driving us.” She grabbed my bag in one arm and pulled me towards the Jeep with the other. She was practically skipping. I wanted to roll my eyes and smack her but I didn’t. There was a part of me that respected her enthusiasm for every thing she did. Just because it was different than me didn’t make it wrong.
“Bella, I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Jasper. Jasper, this is Bella.” The tall blonde man looked down at me and smiled.
“Hi Bella,” he nodded. “I feel like I know you already. Alice has told me so much about you.”
I smiled at him, feeling a little self-conscious. “Hi Jasper. Nice to meet you. I hope you don’t believe everything you fucking hear.” I may as well get him used to my mouth.
He smirked. “Not all of it,” he assured me, “but some of it certainly, like your colourful vocabulary for instance.” I shrugged indifferently. At least he didn’t seem bothered by it. “Alice tells me that you’ve never skied before. Are you excited?”
“Terrified would be a better way to put it,” I admitted. Man-boy came around from the back of the Jeep while I was talking.
“Is this her?” he whispered. Did he think I was fucking deaf?
“Her?” I asked.
“Emmett, this is Bella Swan. Bella, this is my brother Emmett,” Alice introduced. I eyed him wryly, wondering what he meant by his question.
“Hi Bella,” Emmett smiled. He looked like a child with his big goofy grin.
“Emmett,” I nodded, repeating my earlier question. “Her?”
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Emmett offered shamelessly.
“Then I guess it is me,” I laughed. “Alice how much have you been saying about me?”
“Not much really. Just bits and pieces about how we met and whatnot.” Emmett snickered. Somehow I think there was more to the story, but I got the distinct feeling that I was not going to be informed any further.
“Let’s hit it,” Jasper suggested. Emmett grabbed my bag and loaded it in the back and I climbed into the backseat. I saw Jasper offer a hand to Alice and help her in. I was really fucking relieved that she was sitting with me. I really wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with someone I didn’t know. Alice knew me well enough that she wouldn’t press me to talk. She’d fill the silence with all her chatter the way she usually did.
“I don’t know why but I figured you’d bring the Volvo,” I noted.
“That’s Edward’s car. I suppose he’d have given up if we asked but I didn’t think to. The skis fit on top of the Jeep better anyway.”
Ten minutes later we were standing in a line in the school parking lot being counted and herded on to the bus. Emmett and Jasper had unloaded our stuff and Alice and I didn’t have to lift a finger, which was kind of nice. Once the bus was packed with everyone’s gear and all of the students were loaded into the seats and counted one more time, we started the four-hour drive to Snoqualmie Pass. I silently breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t believe Edward when he said he was coming. I fully expected to find him on the bus and knowing he wasn’t on it made it a lot easier to relax. The weekend really would be about Alice and I, and having fun.
Alice chatted animatedly about all kinds of things and really made the drive time go by quickly. She included Jasper and Emmett sometimes too. Both of them seemed to be decent guys. The subject of the third Cullen brother name came up and for that I was thankful. The four of us played cards and Jasper handed me my ass several times while we played poker. I made up for it during euchre though. Emmett was my partner and we were kick ass together, quickly developing a pretty sophisticated way of cheating by means of eye rolling, snickering and coughing. Alice and Jasper came close to beating us a couple of times but Emmett and I pulled it out each time. All in all, I had to say that I was enjoying myself.
We pulled into hotel parking lot just before 8:00 PM and everyone was anxious to get moving and get some skiing in before the slopes closed at 10:00. I told Alice I would check us in and catch up with her after if she wanted to take off with Jasper, but she insisted on waiting for me. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be a drag on her night and she’d already spent the past four hours palling around with me on the bus. She wasn’t having it though. By 8:45 we’d checked in and were standing at the base of Summit West while Jasper tried to explain the basics of skiing to me. I felt like a total fucktard standing there in my ski boots, positive that if I leaned the tiniest bit forward I would fall flat on my face. I was pretty sure Jasper didn’t need to explain shit to me because I wasn’t going to make it into my ski bindings. He was amazingly patient with me though. Maybe it was a Cullen trait or some shit? Within fifteen minutes, he got me snapped into my bindings and understanding the general gist of what I needed to remember, including the importance of the plough stop. He and Alice took me up and down the bunny slope a few times, and stayed near me while I slipped and slid and tumbled and generally made a total ass of myself on the way down. It was fun though, and really fucking hard work to stay upright. Alice laughed right along with me and even fell into the snow a few times trying to make me feel better. Emmett must have taken off on his own because I never did see him again that night.
I wanted to give Alice some time with Jasper so I begged off around 9:30, promising to be careful on my own and to meet up with them after the slopes closed. The shuttle dropped me off in front of the hotel and I saw it immediately, Edward’s Volvo, parked off to one side of the parking lot. I knew his absence was too good to be true. I knew something would happen to fuck up my easy weekend. The fucking universe would never let me have anything easily, not even one fucking weekend with my only friend. Part of me wanted to track down Edward and tell him to screw off, but what good would it do me? I’d made myself clear a week ago. It was easiest for me if I just ignored him and avoided him, and better for Alice too. The best I could do was to pretend that I’d never seen the car and just go on with my weekend the way I had intended to. And if he wanted time with his family then I’d just stay by myself. I made a mental note to never take anything Edward said at face value again.
Chapter 21: Standstill (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 10,715
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
21. Standstill
A/N: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer’s ownership of all things Twilight: Stephenie Meyer νύχτα κατέχει στην ελληνική και εγώ. And though we’ve established this, I am amusing myself with this. My best friend is Greek. What can I say?
I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer, so says Mr. Darcy, and me. I am sick of looking at this chapter and trying to improve it. It’s transitional (across feelings and time) and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. And holy crap I just realized it's another 10K. I am definitely not succinct.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Lots and lots of hits on the story this week, which is exciting, until I stop to realize that you all are not commenting and then I start thinking ‘maybe they aren’t liking it?’ So colour me paranoid but please review and make a poor author feel a little more happy.
And welcome to everyone who might have made it over here from the under appreciated story rec thread at Twilighted(dot)net.
I know you’re all waiting for Bella’s take on the date. So here you have it, from Bella’s POV…
I admit the asshole got me with the phone thing. I didn’t think about his cell phone and since I knew he was out on the porch, I figured I was safe to answer the goddamn phone. Obviously I wasn’t, so fine you prick, you got me. Colour me gullible. I wasn’t falling for his bullshit twice so when he called the second time I just ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I’d tell Charlie it was telemarketers. He hated those motherfuckers so he wouldn’t be mad at me.
There was a definite sense of power from staying in the house where Edward couldn’t get to me, knowing he was on the porch trying to find a way to make me to talk to him. Don’t think I didn’t consider leaving the jerk out there talking to himself like he deserved, but I realized if I did that, he would think I was afraid to face him. I wasn’t going to give him the fucking satisfaction of thinking he had anything to hold over me. I may have been seriously pissed and humiliated by being stood up, but I wasn’t afraid of anyone, and certainly not Edward Cullen. I reminded myself that I wasn’t going to give a piece of myself away to him or anyone, and I opened the door.
I really didn’t care if he was sorry. I really didn’t care why he didn’t show up at the restaurant, or why he was at the door. I didn’t care what he could offer me, or how good he could make me feel, or what I might be missing out on. It didn’t matter if he was right, or wrong, or lying through his fucking teeth about every last detail. None of it mattered. We would never be more than two people who knew how to push each other’s buttons. I could see that now. He didn’t care about me. He probably wasn’t even capable of it. And even if I was wrong, the powers that be were going to make sure that we never got past the ginormous disaster that we always turned into. Fire and ice, oil and water, black and white - you could make a million comparisons but they would all turn out the same way. We couldn’t mix in a way that made sense in any lasting way. We could use each other up, burn each other out, smother one another, but at the end of the day one of us would cease to exist. I wasn’t willing to lose myself for his benefit.
In hindsight, I wasn’t exactly expecting that he’d dare me to kiss him, but I probably should have been. It was the just the sort of shit that the arrogant little prick was about. All I wanted to do was face him and tell him to fuck off and show him that he didn’t win. And I wanted to get the whole irritating scene over with so I could put Edward Cullen behind me. I tried to put him off, but I was in exactly the same position I was in with not answering the door. If I refused to kiss him then he would have held it over me, and walked around thinking that he was better than me and he’s just fucking not. And maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him, or touched him, or let him touch me, but who the fuck cares? I wasn’t a stupid motherfucker any longer; I was in control. He came for a fucking kiss and I gave him one. It meant nothing, and I told him as much when we finished, just before I left him standing alone on the porch the way he started. The difference this time was that he had no claim on me.
I went upstairs and pushed my earbuds in and turned my iPod up as loud as it would go. He could bang on the door and scream for me all fucking night if he wanted. I wouldn’t hear him. He was nothing to me, just a mistake, the past. Thank God I’d stopped things before I let him manipulate me into really feeling cared about. That would have been as stupid as fuck. I was smarter than that. I was stronger, and capable, and better. I was alone, the way it used to be, the way it always should have been, the way it was intended to be. I had my aloneness and my lines and I would be fine. I squeezed my eyes shut and let the loudness and anger of the music wash over me and take me away, far, far away, away from the pissy-ass town of Forks Washington and towards possibility, towards the future, towards freedom.
Somewhere along the way I fell asleep and the music ended and the dreaming began. I remember an eerie silence and white everywhere. No shapes or objects, just white and grey clouds or fog, and nothing else but silence. I wasn’t uncomfortable, but I wasn’t comfortable either, wandering into the fog listlessly, almost like I was looking for something, or a way out. His voice broke the silence, calling my name in the velvety low tone that never ceased to affect me. There was still nothing around me, just the mix of pale fogginess that enveloped me. I called for him loudly, turning in circles and searching for him but he didn’t answer or come for me. I remember the panic taking over and the tightness in my chest and how it was hard to even breathe. Then the tears started. I fell to my knees and I begged for him through my tears to come and find me. I told him I loved him. I told him I needed him. I told him that I lied when I said he meant nothing and that he was everything to me. And then he appeared in front of me in his pale leather jacket and dark jeans, wearing my favourite crooked grin. He bent down to me on one knee and I whispered, ‘You came for me.’ He nodded and held out his hand to me and whispered, ‘Look into my eyes Bella. You’ll see I’m not lying. You’re the one who’s hiding.’ I reached for him and he disappeared in front of my eyes. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and massive sobs ripping through my chest and his words echoing through my head. I was still clothed and my earbuds were still in and I was still alone. I pushed the tears aside and dried my cheeks with my sleeves but it was no use. The tears just kept coming and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do to stop them.
Even in my fucking dreams he knew I was lying and it just wasn’t fair. “Why?” I murmured. Why did he have to know me so well? Why did I ever let him close to me? Why did I think for once things might actually work out? I shook my head trying to get his words out of my head. “No…dammit…no…” There was no volume to my voice, no strength to force out my hollow conviction. There was no honesty in my words and I knew it. I yanked my headphones out and whipped my whole iPod, earbuds and all, across the room at the wall. Stupid Edward and his truths! I didn’t want him to know me so well. I didn’t want to dream about him or cry for him or hear his words in my head. And I absolutely fucking refused to acknowledge the truth because I knew it would break me. Somehow I needed to find a way to flip the truth on its ass, and I needed my anger to do it. I would never get over him without it. I knew him. He was going to come for me every day, chip away at me and try and take his piece of me. My anger was the only thing I had to fight back with. I couldn’t allow him to take anything from me, not my heart, not my pride, not one single part of me.
I need to flush him out of my system though, so just for tonight, I let myself cry; one last outpouring of emotion in honour of what would never be. I rolled on to my side and pulled my comforter over me and just let the sadness and dread and helplessness take me. I was alone and no one would know if I cried myself to sleep. I cried until I had no tears left and I said my goodbyes to Edward and to the dreams I’d let myself hope for. I made peace with it the only way I knew how and resolved to go back to being closed off and cold. I replayed every shitty thing he’d ever said or done to me to remind myself of who he really was and built that wall back up brick by brick, and tear by tear. It was the only way.
*****
It’s amazing what you can convince yourself of in the wee hours of the morning, some seriously stupid things, I’m telling you. I, for instance, convinced myself that I wasn’t spending enough time with Charlie and invited myself to go fishing with him on Saturday. I sat in his boat covered in bug spray and sun block, wearing his stupid floppy hat with all his picky fishing lures that were poking my head and making my scalp itchy, and sweating to death in the ugly oversized chest waders he insisted we’d need that we hadn’t used yet, trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking last night. I needed to rethink the whole making major entertainment decisions in the middle of the night idea, although avoidance was high on my list of things to do today, so it was a trade off.
“What? You look cute,” Charlie smiled.
“Fuck you,” I laughed. “I’m smelly and sweaty and your idiotic fish lures are poking my head.”
“Okay, so maybe not ‘date cute,’” he agreed, using air quotes to stress his point. He thought he was so hip and he was so not hip. “But you look ready to catch a fish.”
“Are we there yet?” I complained.
“Yeah, climb out kid, but move slowly. Those waders will stick in the mud when you move and seeing as how the boots on those fuckers are a good six sizes too big for you, you will go face first into the water if you get your foot stuck.”
“Gee, thanks Charlie.” I rolled my eyes at him and questioned my sanity as I slowly eased my body over the side of the boat backwards. The boat began to rock and I could feel my balance shifting unsteadily, but Charlie’s hand came out to steady me.
“Good shot Bells. Now grab your rod and head towards that grass over there.”
I waded out towards where he’d pointed, trying to not press my feet too hard or too long in any one spot to avoid getting stuck. I could see what Charlie meant. My boot formed little pockets of suction in the mud at the bottom of the river. One wrong move and I was going to face plant. He followed behind me so he could show me how to cast and then guided me towards a small inlet that was easily maneuverable and left me to work it out. I could see the appeal after a little while. It was ultra quiet except for the babble of the moving water. I closed my eyes and listened harder. I could hear a few birds and the buzzing and clicking of the cicadas, but other than that we were alone. There were no other people around and I didn’t have to worry about running into anyone or being caught off guard by anyone or even having to talk to anyone. It was peaceful. By the end of the day I was glad I’d gone with him, and Charlie caught some fabulous fish that I told him I’d cook for dinner.
“I had fun today Bells,” Charlie mumbled from behind the newspaper he was reading at the kitchen table.
“Yeah, um, me too,” I agreed, moving around the kitchen as I prepared dinner. “Sorry I kind of sucked at catching fish.”
“It’s more about the journey,” Charlie offered, and I understood what he meant. “So there’s been something I wanted to ask you about.”
I gulped. I could tell by the tone in his voice this would be no easy conversation. He already sounded uncomfortable. ‘Mmm-hmm?”
“That crying the other night…you ahhh…” He stopped to clear his throat. “Those tears weren’t over your Mom were they?” I was glad my back was to him because my mouth popped open and I’m sure that my eyes were as big as saucers. “Did you want to tell me about it?”
“There’s nothing really to tell Charlie,” I lied, wanting very much to not delve any further into the uncomfortable subject of Edward Cullen.
“Was it over a boy?”
“What?” I choked out.
“I’m guessing it’s the same guy that fixed your truck?” he surmised. I guess I was under the misapprehension that because Charlie didn’t ask many questions that he didn’t notice things, and clearly I was dead fucking wrong. “I would have helped you kid.”
“I know. You were working late that night and I got stuck at the side of the road. I had no phone to call you or I would have.”
“So who helped you?” He pulled one corner of the newspaper down to look at me while I answered.
“A guy from school.” I had a silent conversation with my cheeks. Please don’t blush, please don’t blush, please don’t blush.
“Bells, he’s not ‘just a guy’ if he can make you cry like that.”
“I never said he was the one who made me cry.” I knew I sounded defensive and was completely wasting my time trying to deny anything.
“You didn’t have to.” He smiled widely at me, all parental and shit. “Do I get to meet him? I sort of owe it to your Mom to stay on top of who you’re dating…and make sure you’re being safe...”
“We’re not dating.”
“People aren’t necessarily…what I mean to say is that sex and dating aren’t always mutually exclusive.” He said it so matter-of-factly I wondered if all men were just born with some gene that made them insensitive to women across the board.
“You think I’m having sex?” I laughed, hoping the mere suggestion of it might make him shut the fuck up and change the subject.
“It wouldn’t be the first time that a kid your age was sexually active. It wasn’t exactly a conversation I wanted to have with your Mom. I figured your love life was between you and her, but now that she’s gone…well…”
“Can’t it just stay between me and Mom?” I pleaded.
“I don’t need to know the wheres and the whatnots,” he assured me. “Just your assurance that you’re being safe. And I can get you to the doctor if you need…” He pushed his hand through his hair roughly. “Protection… And I wouldn’t mind meeting the guy, just so I can get a look at him.”
“Anything else?” I charged, glaring at him. “For someone who normally stays out of my business, this is pretty intrusive Charlie.”
“I promised your Mom, Bells,” he stated confidently. He took his promises seriously and I couldn’t fault him for that.
“I’m going to work from the assumption that you don’t want to have this conversation too often with me, although truthfully I was hoping it would be fornever. Yes, the guy that helped me with my truck is the same guy that made me cry. We aren’t dating. We aren’t having sex. We aren’t even getting along most of the time. I was a stupid motherfucker to fall for him because we couldn’t be more wrong for one another. My life would be a hell of a lot easier if I never have to see him again.” I lifted my eyes to Charlie who was staring at me wide-eyed. “And also I would like to never have this conversation with you again…please.”
“So you don’t need protection then?” Charlie smirked. I whipped the oven mitt at his head.
“No more than you do.”
“Smartass! How would you know if I needed protection?” he joked.
“First you’d have to have a life Charlie, and then you’d have find someone crazy enough to want to have sex with you, and I’m guessing that would be the biggest hurdle right there,” I teased. “And for the record, if you were having sex, I would have the decency to be completely uninterested in your extracurricular activities. Just ewww.” I shuddered. Charlie laughed at me.
“I know it sucks having to share this stuff with me and not your Mom, Bells, but I promised her I’d take care of you. It doesn’t mean we’re going to like every part of it.”
I nodded and when he looked like he might say something else I cut him off. “Hey, I said please.”
“Okay, okay. When is dinner going to be ready then?”
“Ten minutes. Go set up the TV tables in the den. We’ll watch the game while we eat,” I offered. It would make him happy and at least one of us should be happy. Besides, if Charlie’s mind was on the game he would not think to ask me further about my nonexistent sex life. I’d sit through a game for that.
*****
I breathed a sigh of relief when I woke up Sunday morning and realized that I hadn’t had any dreams last night. Maybe it was more about keeping him out of my mind than trying to get him out of my heart? The love thing would fade with time. One day it would be nothing more than another scar on an already grievously scarred heart, nothing more than a whisper in my ear of something I couldn’t quite place. It would take time, but luckily or not, I had oodles of time on my hands. Maybe the key was keeping him out of my sight? I pondered how I could avoid Edward as much as possible while I ate my cereal that morning.
Sunday was a drag no matter which way I looked at it. Charlie had to work and that left me with way too much downtime. Being alone was dangerous for me in general, and given the events that unfolded Friday, being alone with nothing to do was lethal. It gave me way too much fucking time to let my mind wander to places it shouldn’t be allowed to go, to dream dreams it shouldn’t wish for, to believe in possibility that didn’t exist. It was a serious challenge to keep he who shall not be named out of my head. I worked at keeping my mind focused on the facts, and I tried to center my thoughts on what I had in my life and finding a way to make it be enough.
I piddled around the house. I washed my truck, cleaned my room, did laundry and finished up some homework. That took me all of three hours. Then I started looking for shit to do that would keep me busy. I landed up in the bathroom with some rubber gloves and every cleanser known to man. I scrubbed that fucker from top to bottom. I even sacrificed my toothbrush in the name of clean grout. Logically I realized that scouring the grout with a toothbrush was way over the top but it kept me busy. I sprayed, squirted, wiped, scrubbed, buffed, disinfected, and deodorized every surface, from the mirrors to the floor, until the whole place shone. Did I mention I fucking hated cleaning the bathroom? Even still, it was a way better option than giving myself time to change my mind or regret shit or lose my resolve.
Charlie brought home pizza so neither one of us would have to cook, and we kicked back in front of the TV while we ate. I made excuses after we finished and headed to bed early. I had made it through the weekend with relative ease but I knew tomorrow would be a different story. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to break my own rule and think about him. I had to be ready for how to handle things when I saw him tomorrow.
The basic problem was easy - he owned me. I had proven time and time again that I could not control myself physically around him. Even when he kissed me Friday night I enjoyed every fucking second of it - I didn’t want to, I tried not to, and I pretty much pretended for as long as fucking possible to be unaffected and unattached and completely emotionless, but he made it friggen impossible not to respond. He just got me. He knew how to kiss me and how to touch me and made it all seem effortless somehow. I don’t even think it was where he touched me as much as it was how he touched me. If I had written a fucking manual entitled ‘How to Touch Bella Swan If You Want To Get Her Off,’ then he had it memorized. If I turned it into a lecture series, he could be a guest lecturer. In fact, I’d probably have to cite him as a reference in the book and grant him the title of expert. But I’d lived seventeen years without being touched like that, and I could live without it again. Notice I never asked myself the question of whether I wanted to live without it, because that was Pandora’s fucking box and I was so not going there.
Given my inability to behave myself, that meant I had to come up with some new rules. I liked my rules. In the past, when I’d been smart enough to apply them, they had worked solidly for me. The main goal was to avoid Edward Cullen as much as possible. The easiest change was lunch. No more lunches in the cafeteria. I would eat in my truck. I would avoid the common areas as much as possible. No more sneaking to the quad to look for him. I would search out parking on the other side of the school in order to avoid the lot if it was possible. That left me with biology. I doubted Mr. Banner would let me switch seats with someone, although I might be able to get Mike to switch with me if I agreed to go out with him. I shuddered. Then again, just trying to get Mike to understand that he would be sitting beside Edward and not me might be a hurdle. He wasn’t exactly quick witted when it came to picking up on even really fucking obvious things. Besides, I was probably putting too much stock in Mike’s crush. Even if he really liked me, he hated Edward. I doubted anything short of sexual favours would sway him into permanently moving seats with me. I was stuck sitting beside Edward, whether I liked it or not.
Of course, even if I had to sit beside him, that didn’t mean I had to talk to him, or look at him, or be affected by him. I mean I had done all of those things in the past, but that was before my mental health depended on avoiding those things. The stakes were so much higher now. No looking. No talking. And above every other fucking thing, no touching. He knew how to break me down. I couldn’t give him the opportunity. I had to ignore the glorious bastard as much as possible. I would also have to make sure I checked my irritation at the door every day. He knew how to push my buttons. I couldn’t stop him from trying, but I could try to control my reaction to it. And if I lost my focus for any reason, then I had to remind myself that we could never be together and survive intact. No cafeteria, no parking lot, no quad, no looking, no talking, no touching, ignore, impervious, and unemotional. That was my plan and tomorrow I would see if I could put it into action.
*****
Monday morning I pulled around the far side of the school and was able to find parking easily enough across the street from the building. I looked at it as a sign of good things to come. Maybe this one time the universe would be on my side. Like I promised myself, I avoided the quad between classes and took the long way around every building, finding completely new routes to my classes. There were moments where I felt like I was being a paranoid fucking idiot worrying that Edward might be trying to track me down, but all it took was one reminder that I was better safe than sorry to push those thoughts from my mind. I ate lunch in my truck by myself with a book, and really just tried to fade into the story and forget the world existed for the hour. There was no point in working myself up before biology, so I did my best to chill and put everything but the story out of my mind. The last thing I did before class was remind myself that I was in control and that he could not take a piece of me if I didn’t give it to him. I had to remain unaffected. That was the key to surviving the hour.
He was already sitting at our desk when I got to the classroom and I briefly debated asking Mr. Banner for a new seat assignment, and then offering Mike the best blowjob he’d ever had if he’d switch seats with me. It was just my luck that Mike was absent that period. I tossed my books on the desk and sat down.
“Hello,” he murmured, velvet tone intact, totally mindfucking me in one word. I reminded myself that he had no power over me, even if I didn’t completely believe it.
“Hey,” I replied casually, not looking at him and totally following my rules like a good girl.
“I’m very sorry Bella,” he continued. I cut him off, because I was not about to do this dance with him in the middle of class, or ever for that matter.
“I know, and if you don’t mind, this isn’t really the place to discuss this. I’d appreciate it if you could just drop it.” I kept my eyes on the desktop, feeling a bit rude for not making eye contact when I spoke, but doing my best to sound persuasive and confident.
“I really can’t drop it Bella. And I appreciate that this is not the place to have this discussion, but since you won’t talk to me outside of school I’m rather backed into a corner aren’t I?”
“You had your say on Friday,” I whispered pointedly. I let my head turn slightly in his direction in acknowledgement but only briefly, and then I forced my eyes forward. I was very careful not to look at him.
“Was that when you walked away or when you pulled the phone cord out of the wall?” How the fuck did he know I pulled the ripped the cord out of the wall?
“That would be when you didn’t show up for our date. We all have choices. You made yours.” I didn’t even have to work to keep my voice even and I was proud of myself for so clearly understanding the connections between what was planned and what actually occurred.
“Or choices are made for us.” Way to take responsibility there asshole.
“Whichever, it doesn’t fucking matter. What’s done is done.” I could feel the anger swelling and I beat it back down because it wouldn’t help.
“It’s not set in stone.” There was something in his voice that made me flinch inwardly because I knew exactly what his eyes would look like. “And it matters to me Bella.”
“Not to me,” I assured him, ignoring the conviction I heard in his voice and the way my name curled around his tongue just so.
“I guess that means I have to care enough for both of us then,” he whispered forlornly. I felt like a total bitch for saying nothing to his statement, but there was nothing I could say that wouldn’t start a fight, and I knew that would not help. I fought to keep my focus on what was best for me while his words echoed in my head and chipped away at the walls I had put back up.
When class was finished I felt him tap my shoulder, breaking my no touching rule. I shot him a glare thereby breaking my own no looking rule. I sighed; there were so many rules and they were all way too easy to break. “If you don’t believe me about Friday you can ask Alice you know?”
I twisted awkwardly in my seat so I wouldn’t be able to look at him again, pretending to rummage through my backpack to keep my attention away from him. “I already told you. It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s that I don’t care.”
“Not at all?” he asked quietly.
“Nope.”
“So you believe me that I’m sorry for being late and that I was unavoidably detained but it doesn’t make any difference? I made one mistake and that’s the end of everything? No more tries, no more friendship, no more anything?”
I sat up straight and pretended to look at the ceiling like I was thinking about what to say, all just to avoid looking him straight in the face. “We shouldn’t have ever tried to force something that clearly doesn’t work. It was…a mistake.”
“The date that never happened was a mistake? Or everything?” I didn’t understand why he was pressing this or what he was trying to get me to say.
I dropped my eyes back down to the desktop. “Trying to make us into something more than we are,” I explained.
“Oh I see…I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree then.”
“I guess.” That was fine with me.
“Can I walk you to gym?” That was not fine with me.
“No thanks. I’ll walk myself.”
“Perhaps some other time then. It was nice to see you Bella. I was worried when I didn’t see you at lunch today.” He turned and walked away and left me standing there, feeling impossibly more broken without even trying. Without even realizing it, I had braced myself to fight against the way he always fought me, not for his acceptance, and now I was wound up tightly and ready to pounce and there was nothing to pounce on. It was more proof that he and I would never find a common ground we could exist together on, always out of sync, never reading the other’s moods or intentions right. It was also more proof that I needed anger management classes, or so said Lauren Mallory and our gym teacher when I took things a wee bit too far in gym. I can’t help it if she didn’t listen to me when I told her not to push me.
I took my time after school, in no particular rush to get home and begin the process of not thinking about he who shall not be named. When I was unlocking the truck I noticed there was something on the seat and I couldn’t remember leaving anything there. I picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it. His handwriting was unmistakable.
“If you’re right, then you’re my favourite mistake.”
I never really got his words out of my head that night. I probably assigned every conceivable context to them, and some of them twice or three times. Eventually I just filed them away into the category of once wished and no longer wished for. It was easier to process and compartmentalize his words once they were categorized and didn’t sting quite so much, and it didn’t matter if they were real or logical or if they even made sense.
The next day was more or less the same. I parked on the other side of the school, took the long way around to classes, avoided the quad and ate lunch in my truck again. I brought my iPod and spent the hour listening to music. It wasn’t as good a diversion as the book because Edward would pop into my head where our playlists crossed paths. I decided that tonight I would wipe my iPod and rebuild a new playlist. I needed the music, not the reminders.
We barely spoke during biology, trading a few questions regarding the assignment we were supposed to do together that we were both completing independently. Mr. Banner came to check on us and noticed that we each had to refer to our assignment sheets and that the answers didn’t match. He actually lectured us for our lack of cooperation. It was rather laughable. Most kids got reprimanded for talking too much and we caught shit for speaking too little.
“You kids can’t expect to learn the basics of this lab if you don’t work together. It’s a two person job.” I really wasn’t worried about finishing the work. It had never been a problem before. In fact, I highly doubted we would actually complete it if we had to talk because there were too many personal distractions floating between us. I felt rather responsible for our lack of communication though, and I didn’t think it was fair for Edward to get blamed for something that had been my decision so I spoke up.
“It’s my fault Mr. Banner. I told Edward to stop talking to me. He was only doing what I requested.”
“Edward, is this true?” Mr. Banner wondered.
“No Sir. I encumbered our assignment all on my own.” Traitor!
“Well seeing as you two can’t seem to work together we’ll see if a little detention will get you straightened around.” I made a mental note to lie through my fucking teeth next time, or deny shit, or just to keep my goddamn mouth closed.
“But Sir,” I complained.
“Isabella, did you want to go for two days?” Mr Banner charged.
“It’s Bella Mr. Banner,” Edward corrected. If we had been on speaking terms, I would have smacked him because I knew where Mr. Banner was going to go after Edward’s correction.
“Two it is. Shall we go for three?”
“No Sir,” we answered in unison. I bit back a smile, imagining we were in kindergarten, because that’s what it felt like. When class ended he asked if he could walk me to gym and just like yesterday I told him no. It was better that way, but still not easy to be asked or to turn him down. I wished he would stop asking, but there was a part of me that was glad that he continued to do so, the sick masochistic part that wanted to have at Edward, come what may. At least I was smarter than that part of me.
I could sense Edward behind me as I walked to the detention room after gym; all that strange electricity the lurked and lurched and controlled me whenever I got too close to him. It was odd that he was a good fifty feet from me yet I felt it as strongly as if he were beside me. I paused in the doorway of the room and contemplated where to sit. It was relatively empty but I didn’t need to fight with the urge to stare at Edward for the whole hour so I plunked myself down in the front right corner. Edward walked by my seat to drop his slip on the teacher’s desk and then circled around and sat down at the back on the opposite side of the room.
I tried not to notice my irritation, convincing myself that it was related to the actual detention, but in the back of my mind I knew it was Edward’s choice of seat. Again he hadn’t done what I had expected. I thought he would sit right beside me and make the whole hour a hand-to-hand combat. Maybe I had pushed him away enough times that he finally understood that I wasn’t going to change my mind? Or maybe he instinctively knew what I’d always known, that I wasn’t worth the effort.
The harder I tried not to think of him, the more I thought about him. I felt like he was watching every fucking thing I was doing but when I turned my head to check I always found him looking out the window or down at his desktop. He was actually being a pretty good sport about things, and me, well I was driving myself insane with paranoia and confusion. I was actually pissed off by the time I left detention. He hadn’t said a single word to me but I was every bit as mad as I would have been if we’d had a full-blown button pushing smack down.
I heard his velvety voice when I was leaving and felt his breath on my neck as he leaned forward to whisper to me. “Bella, are you okay. You look upset?”
I turned at exactly the wrong second and was met by a pair of very concerned brown eyes only inches away from mine. I froze for a second, absolutely stuck in his gaze. “I’m fine,” I mumbled, not bothering to care if I sounded impolite, rushing in the general direction of my truck. I was thankful I hadn’t parked in the lot or he would have been able to follow me. I was in a full out panic by the time I reached the truck, my mind cycling through being so close to him and the cause of my irritation and how close I felt to breaking apart. I spotted the piece of paper as soon as I pulled my keys out.
“If I could, I’d whisper ‘Please come back to me,’ and reach out for your hand.”
That night was far worse than the prior night. There was no mistaking the words he’d used, no reapplying the context to change their meaning. They were targeted with purposeful aim and hit their mark dead to rights center. I knew he meant them affectionately. There was no other context the words could be used in and they were written in such a way that I couldn’t misinterpret them as him throwing my words back in my face. It was Edward, being thoughtful and showing me how he felt.
And whether he intended it or not, his words stung a little. I could appreciate the sentiment a little too intimately, and using my own words against me was probably the smartest fucking thing he could have done. It made me realize that I wasn’t being fair to him and I didn’t need that shit. I couldn’t afford to care about fairness right now when I was worried about keeping my head above the water so I wouldn’t drown. If I let him take me under I would be caught in his riptide and it would be the end of me.
Wednesday was more of Monday and Tuesday, a same shit different day sort of day. Same parking. Same avoiding. When I went to unlock my truck to eat lunch Alice appeared out of nowhere. She must have been waiting for me. “Hey Alice,” I smiled, happy to see her and then sort of took a step back because I didn’t know why she tracked me down.
“Is this where you’ve been hiding?”
“Kind of,” I admitted, feeling a bit ashamed of my immature behaviour.
“You can’t tell me it’s more fun eating in your truck than the cafeteria. There’s no built in freak show to gossip about.”
“I’m not much of a gossiper Alice.”
“Are you okay?” she wondered in a quiet voice.
“I’m fine,” I lied, not wanting to ask if she meant in general or with respect to her brother.
“That’s what he says when I ask him, and you both have the same unhappy look on your faces.”
“Alice,” I warned, raising my eyes from the ground to glare at her in a way that clearly indicated that I wanted her to back the fuck off the subject she was trying to broach.
“What?” she charged. “He’s my brother Bella, and it’s not like I don’t have eyes, even if both of you are pushing me away.” I was surprised that Edward hadn’t confided in Alice. I expected she would know the whole disastrous story.
“I’m not pushing you away,” I said quietly. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“I may not be the cause, but you hiding from my brother affects me too.”
“I’m not hiding from him Alice. I’m just trying to…survive.”
“He misses you. And before you ask, no, he didn’t tell me that. He hasn’t said anything to me about you. Not one word. I just know him.” She was full on pouting.
“Did you come to ride me about this?” I wondered, wishing she would stop.
“He’s trying very hard to play by your rules.”
“Can you please stop Alice? I really don’t want to fucking talk about this, and certainly not with you. You’re way too biased.”
“I’m not biased. I just want you both to be happy, and I’ll support whatever it is that gets you there. And no, I didn’t come to ride you about this. I’m done. I actually came looking for you to make sure you were okay, and to see if you’re a tiny bit excited about the ski trip this weekend.”
“That’s this weekend?” Why did I ever promise to go?
“Yes. Is it going to be a problem?”
“No, it’s fine.” Even I could hear the doubt in my forced assurance.
“I know that face. I won’t let you regret coming. We will have fun together.”
“You and me? What about Jasper?” I wondered.
“Jasper is sharing a room with Emmett and you and I are sharing a room, if that’s okay. I figured you’d rather share with me than some random stranger.”
“Rosalie’s not coming?”
“Rose hates skiing. She doesn’t like to wear hats and the goggles ‘dent’ her hair, or so she tells me.”
I hesitated asking but needed to know. “And Edward?” I inquired timidly.
“He didn’t sign up.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “You might want to ask him though. Just because he didn’t tell me doesn’t mean he didn’t change his mind.”
“Ok. I’ll ask him today.” If I can work up the courage to, that is.
I never found the courage to ask him in biology. We were doing our best to work on the lab together, being courteous and polite and in general behaving like anyone other than who we were. I was snark-less. He was vex-less. It was rather depressing to see what we had turned in to. There was a small and dangerous part of me that missed our regular back and forth, and even though I’d beaten that part into submission, it had survived, intact and festering. Again he asked to walk me to gym and again I turned him down. You couldn’t say he wasn’t a persistent motherfucker.
I beat him to detention and took the same seat I had yesterday. I told myself I didn’t care where he sat but I was curious where it would be. I pretended not to be mortifyingly disappointed when he took the same seat as before. It was certainly going to make bringing up the ski trip more difficult. That was the excuse I used for my irritation and it was really fucking transparent, even to me. I spent most of the hour trying to convince myself to just fucking ask him already, but when the hour was done I still hadn’t found the nerve. It was not smart in terms of sticking with my plans to be prepared and remain unaffected. I shouldn’t have waited to be backed into a corner by the dismissal of detention where I would have to throw caution to the wind. I grabbed my backpack and rushed out the door, waiting for him in the hallway. It was dumb. It was the opposite of casual. It was so friggen obvious.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing there, as if in shock. And I felt like complete shit for the mixed signals I was sending. “I was wondering if you were going on the ski trip this weekend?” I blurted imprudently.
“Did you want me to?” he asked with a smile. It wasn’t a smile that said, “Does she really want me to go?” It was one that said “I know you want me to go, don’t you?” Any and all guilt I felt about asking something that was really none of my business flew out the window.
“Don’t fuck with me Cullen. Just answer the goddamn question.”
“I thought this was your time with Alice?” he asked.
“Can you ever just answer a question?” I growled, irritated.
“I didn’t sign up for the ski trip,” he informed me, smirking. At least the fact that he was enjoying irritating me was normal.
I turned away from him and started to walk down the hallway, but about ten feet past him I stopped and spun back towards him. “You could have just said ‘no’ and made this easier for me.” I didn’t wait for him to reply and I never heard him speak as I walked away from him. I know it wasn’t his job to make my life easier, but it sure as hell wasn’t his fucking job to make it harder either.
Another day, another note.
“We are a mistake worth making Bella.”
As always he was sure of everything, and I was sure of nothing, except that he was wrong. I know he believed what he was saying and I hated to keep disappointing him. His words were poetic. His ideas were sentimental. His notes were romantic. On a normal girl they would have worked and gotten him just what he wanted. He made it easy to forget that we were no good for one another. He made it hard to hold on to the notion that I was saving him from my catastrophic clusterfuck of a life. He made me want to believe that it could all be as easy as just wanting it, but I understood the difference between wanting it and actually believing it was possible. I knew what we were. Our intensity would evolve like a supernova, exploding into a blinding light and burning brightly in its interim before we met with total collapse. Neither of us would survive.
I had more crazy truth dreams that night staring he who shall not be named. I woke up in tears again, wishing he didn’t know me so well and wishing my subconscious would just shut the fuck up, but the dreams didn’t change my resolve. I was still dead set against anything that involved Edward and I becoming anything to one another. It was just me being stupid enough to let myself burn by wanting it.
Thursday he said nothing to me at all, just gave me one small smile when I sat down in biology. He had stopped looking at me, stopped trying to talk to me, stopped asking if he could walk me to class. All I had Thursday was his note.
“I would give up every kiss we’ve ever shared if you’d give me one more chance.”
I had convinced myself that what was between us was nothing more than a physical thing to him and this note pretty much blew that theory out of the water. If we took back every kiss, what would be left with? Two people who annoyed the shit out of each other and no outlet for our unresolved sexual tension. I held fast to my idea that we were no good for each other and it was hollow and lonely and totally fucking cold, but it was the way it had to be. We couldn’t change reality. We couldn’t fight fate.
Friday was Thursday on repeat. No talking. No touching. No looking, just like I wanted it and I hated every fucking second of it. I tried to snap out of it and I knew Alice was going to kick my ass if I didn’t. I really did try. Friday’s note was the worst of the week.
“I need you. I miss you. Please don’t run away from me Bella.”
Total fucking honesty. I could hear his voice in my head saying the words, the syllables he would hold on to, the pleading in his tone, even the intensity his eyes would burn with. He had said those words to me before, ‘please don’t run away from me Bella.’ His words that day had been a guarantee of his acceptance of me and of his belief in us. A week had gone by since our quasi-non-date and even though I had pushed him away and kept him as far away as I could, he was still being thoughtful and respectful and giving. All I could feel was anger at the whole situation. Why couldn’t I just fucking believe him?
It took me a few minutes to collect myself but as soon as I did, I drove straight home and gathered my stuff by the front door. I tucked all of his notes into the side of my bag and tried to extricate him and all of my feelings from my mind. I owed Alice that much. She was picking me up and driving me back to the school so I didn’t have to leave my truck there over the weekend. I didn’t even know that Alice drove so I was surprised when she asked if I wanted a ride, but it was one less thing for me to be bothered with so I accepted her offer. I had enough on my mind as it was, like not killing myself while strapped to two pieces of composite carbon-Kevlar or stabbing myself with the rather pointy poles I was required to carry. The entire notion of me skiing was worse than flirting with disaster. It was like propositioning death. It would be a small miracle if I could pull this off.
I heard the doorbell and grabbed my bag before opening the door for Alice. She was standing on the porch, smiling ear to ear. “Hi Bella. Are you ready to go?”
“As ready as I’m ever going to be,” I announced, trying to sound like I wasn’t completely terrified of what I was doing. I looked over Alice’s shoulder at the enormous red jeep parked in the driveway. “What the fuck is that Alice?”
“Oh that’s Emmett’s Jeep. He’s driving us.” She grabbed my bag in one arm and pulled me towards the Jeep with the other. She was practically skipping. I wanted to roll my eyes and smack her but I didn’t. There was a part of me that respected her enthusiasm for every thing she did. Just because it was different than me didn’t make it wrong.
“Bella, I wanted to introduce you to someone. This is Jasper. Jasper, this is Bella.” The tall blonde man looked down at me and smiled.
“Hi Bella,” he nodded. “I feel like I know you already. Alice has told me so much about you.”
I smiled at him, feeling a little self-conscious. “Hi Jasper. Nice to meet you. I hope you don’t believe everything you fucking hear.” I may as well get him used to my mouth.
He smirked. “Not all of it,” he assured me, “but some of it certainly, like your colourful vocabulary for instance.” I shrugged indifferently. At least he didn’t seem bothered by it. “Alice tells me that you’ve never skied before. Are you excited?”
“Terrified would be a better way to put it,” I admitted. Man-boy came around from the back of the Jeep while I was talking.
“Is this her?” he whispered. Did he think I was fucking deaf?
“Her?” I asked.
“Emmett, this is Bella Swan. Bella, this is my brother Emmett,” Alice introduced. I eyed him wryly, wondering what he meant by his question.
“Hi Bella,” Emmett smiled. He looked like a child with his big goofy grin.
“Emmett,” I nodded, repeating my earlier question. “Her?”
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Emmett offered shamelessly.
“Then I guess it is me,” I laughed. “Alice how much have you been saying about me?”
“Not much really. Just bits and pieces about how we met and whatnot.” Emmett snickered. Somehow I think there was more to the story, but I got the distinct feeling that I was not going to be informed any further.
“Let’s hit it,” Jasper suggested. Emmett grabbed my bag and loaded it in the back and I climbed into the backseat. I saw Jasper offer a hand to Alice and help her in. I was really fucking relieved that she was sitting with me. I really wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with someone I didn’t know. Alice knew me well enough that she wouldn’t press me to talk. She’d fill the silence with all her chatter the way she usually did.
“I don’t know why but I figured you’d bring the Volvo,” I noted.
“That’s Edward’s car. I suppose he’d have given up if we asked but I didn’t think to. The skis fit on top of the Jeep better anyway.”
Ten minutes later we were standing in a line in the school parking lot being counted and herded on to the bus. Emmett and Jasper had unloaded our stuff and Alice and I didn’t have to lift a finger, which was kind of nice. Once the bus was packed with everyone’s gear and all of the students were loaded into the seats and counted one more time, we started the four-hour drive to Snoqualmie Pass. I silently breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t believe Edward when he said he was coming. I fully expected to find him on the bus and knowing he wasn’t on it made it a lot easier to relax. The weekend really would be about Alice and I, and having fun.
Alice chatted animatedly about all kinds of things and really made the drive time go by quickly. She included Jasper and Emmett sometimes too. Both of them seemed to be decent guys. The subject of the third Cullen brother name came up and for that I was thankful. The four of us played cards and Jasper handed me my ass several times while we played poker. I made up for it during euchre though. Emmett was my partner and we were kick ass together, quickly developing a pretty sophisticated way of cheating by means of eye rolling, snickering and coughing. Alice and Jasper came close to beating us a couple of times but Emmett and I pulled it out each time. All in all, I had to say that I was enjoying myself.
We pulled into hotel parking lot just before 8:00 PM and everyone was anxious to get moving and get some skiing in before the slopes closed at 10:00. I told Alice I would check us in and catch up with her after if she wanted to take off with Jasper, but she insisted on waiting for me. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be a drag on her night and she’d already spent the past four hours palling around with me on the bus. She wasn’t having it though. By 8:45 we’d checked in and were standing at the base of Summit West while Jasper tried to explain the basics of skiing to me. I felt like a total fucktard standing there in my ski boots, positive that if I leaned the tiniest bit forward I would fall flat on my face. I was pretty sure Jasper didn’t need to explain shit to me because I wasn’t going to make it into my ski bindings. He was amazingly patient with me though. Maybe it was a Cullen trait or some shit? Within fifteen minutes, he got me snapped into my bindings and understanding the general gist of what I needed to remember, including the importance of the plough stop. He and Alice took me up and down the bunny slope a few times, and stayed near me while I slipped and slid and tumbled and generally made a total ass of myself on the way down. It was fun though, and really fucking hard work to stay upright. Alice laughed right along with me and even fell into the snow a few times trying to make me feel better. Emmett must have taken off on his own because I never did see him again that night.
I wanted to give Alice some time with Jasper so I begged off around 9:30, promising to be careful on my own and to meet up with them after the slopes closed. The shuttle dropped me off in front of the hotel and I saw it immediately, Edward’s Volvo, parked off to one side of the parking lot. I knew his absence was too good to be true. I knew something would happen to fuck up my easy weekend. The fucking universe would never let me have anything easily, not even one fucking weekend with my only friend. Part of me wanted to track down Edward and tell him to screw off, but what good would it do me? I’d made myself clear a week ago. It was easiest for me if I just ignored him and avoided him, and better for Alice too. The best I could do was to pretend that I’d never seen the car and just go on with my weekend the way I had intended to. And if he wanted time with his family then I’d just stay by myself. I made a mental note to never take anything Edward said at face value again.