I am so obsessed with all things exercise: walking, running,biking, blogilates. I have a fitbit and one of my hospital volunteers is super competitive with me which just makes me CRAZY. I have to beat her every day. I can't stand it when she wins because she will send me emoticons with tongue sticking out when she is ahead. Argh. So juvenile but I ( Read more... )

If the ED doesn't take me down, loneliness and the depression that accompanies it surely will. Having kids that are now young adults and mostly off doing their own thing and a husband that seems to be on a completely different page life-wise, it feels like my heart is in a tight vice; a vice that is squeezing tears directly out of my heart. My eyes ( Read more... )

I really feel like I am in a downward spiral that is out of my control. I also feel that it is "wrong" for me to think that way. Every time I shove the toothbrush down my throat, I could choose not to. But I don't. The food has to come out at all costs. I will try to sit with the food inside for a few minutes and then panic that if I don't get to ( Read more... )

I have not posted for ages. Lots of struggles, some good times, a course of ECT, and now I am firmly planted in eating disorder hell. Basically I am eating very little, purging everything and walking and cycling like a maniac. The scary thing is that my purging is out of control. The anguish is that all the purging is not making my weight drop like ( Read more... )

I am in the depths of everything: despair, sorrow, rage, starvation, obsessive power walking and most of all, loneliness. The loneliness really hurts. And my mind is stuck ruminating about both kids being off at uni in the fall and my truly being alone. In all my years, I have not been able to form friendships with anyone. I have tried in the past ( Read more... )

Life right now consists of lots of coffee, lots of tea and food by the mouthful. A mouthful of peanut butter for breakfast, a mouthful of plain tuna for lunch and a mouthful of quinoa for dinner. And....a mouthful of pretzels in the evening while watching TV. In addition, I am walking like a maniac and freaking out like a crazy person because my ( Read more... )

Another drop on the scale this morning. This whole week has been a steady decline and it feels good to be physically less of a person. I feel like nothing: emotionally, intellectually,character-wise and it just feels good to physically shrink into the nothingness that I am on the inside. Everything was removed from me as a child. I have never been ( Read more... )

I am suffering on many fronts. My weight has dropped again this morning which will only increase my physical suffering. While my physical self gets lighter and lighter, my emotional self gets heavier. I am very depressed and every calorie not eaten, while making me superficially happy, is contributing to the continued downward slide of my mood. If ( Read more... )

Weight is down another 0.3 today for which I feel grateful even though the increment is much too small. I am dreading tomorrow's meeting with the scale because I had a blood glucose type test done today. I had my fasting blood sugar done, had to drink a glucose drink, wait 2 hours and have blood drawn again. I wanted to ask her how many calories in ( Read more... )

My doctor wanted to put me in the hospital on Tuesday and I begged for a 2 day reprieve which he gave me as long as I went and got bloodwork done right away. I went and got that done and he will have the results when I have my appointment this afternoon. My weight is the lowest it has been for awhile; not really close to my lowest ever but solidly ( Read more... )