One time when I was trying to change my internet service package, I got hung up in a chat program and I began to suspect that I was chatting with a computer; either that or with a person following a meticulous script. To find out which, I felt like asking them what they'd do if they encountered a tortoise in the desert, or what the meaning of life ( Read more... )

Now the most unusual place I have ever fallen asleep is at the front row of a concert, standing up, leaning on the guard rail, while the artist I came to see is literally singing three feet in front of me. Apologies to Chan Marshall, but in my defense, it had been a really long day. You know how sometimes you're so disappointed with your life that ( Read more... )

One of life's small pleasures is explaining to someone who has never heard of it before how to dance the Hokey Pokey. "Well, you see, it's pretty simple. First you put your right foot in ( Read more... )

Three things you should know about my childhood ( Read more... )

Life...so empty ( Read more... )

It happens every time my dad buys a foosball table. My dad, brother, and I shove the dining room table aside and carry the foosball table in by its rods, like we're pallbearers, and reverently set it in its place. Sometimes you hear excitement described as "electricity in the air", but in this case it actually produces Magneto-type human levitation ( Read more... )

Whenever I read a Missed Connection, I imagine the two people's guardian angels pulling strings and trying to arrange a coincident moment to bring the perfectly matched couple together. Then the whole time the two people are making fluttering eye contact or trying to build up the courage to say something to each other, the two angels are nervously ( Read more... )

It was around this time last year that I drank alcohol for the first time. Since then, I've had other opportunities to drink, not enough to establish a scientific opinion of it (me, holding a glass of beer up to the light and whispering to myself, "For science!"), but enough to get a feel for what more or less happens any time I do ( Read more... )

If I was going to be stranded on an island in one of those Hunger Games/Battle Royale/Most Dangerous Game type of situations, there'd be a number of things that would worry me, but even more worrisome than how I got there or where my luggage was this time would be which strategy to pursue, because everyone except the winner is only going to get one ( Read more... )

Mixed signals are bad in baseball and even worse in relationships. It's like when the person driving in front of you has their blinker on, but they never turn. It's infuriating. They keep signaling that the relationship is about to turn a corner, but then keep on driving straight and you're like, "Where are we going with this?" when maybe the whole ( Read more... )