In the Wrong Pt 5
Title: "In the Wrong" 5/10
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst
Warning: Some TabiRi. Oh yea, I did it.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: Ok, so I made up a performance where Big Bang and Kara would perform on the same night because I needed one to fit in the fic. Also I secretly wish for more live performances soon!! :D
Hope you like it. I added something special in there for everyone who kept asking. You'll know it when you see it.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
The lights came down. Hordes of girls screamed. Seungri sighed and wished to be back home in bed. They all crowded down the hall smiling at hubaes and bowing at sunbaes. Jiyong led and the rest followed like loyal members. Anyone around would never have guessed they were perfectly ordered so as not to have any embarrassing situations happen in front of a camera. Daesung and Youngbae nervously separated Jiyong from Seunghyun and Seungri just hid behind his wide shoulders and tried to be invisible.
“Ri!” He spun around preparing his smile for a camera and sighed in relief to see Goo Hara running up with a grin and glitter in her hair.
“Hi Hara!” He felt a genuine smile creep up and languished in the warm feeling she brought. “You have no idea how much I missed you.”
She winked and punched him in the shoulder lightly.
“Stop it, noona-killer! You know I won’t fall for your tricks!” Her laugh chimed and he wondered how anyone could not be charmed by her. He was lucky to know such a friend. Cocking her head to the side, she regarded him with a piercing eye. “What’s been up with you lately? You haven’t returned any of my calls. I miss you!”
“Sorry.” And he really did mean it. “There’s just been some…group issues lately.”
“You mean Jiyong.”
“Hara“ He warned. But with pursed lips and hand on her hips she was not to be moved.
“What did he do this time?”
“Nothing. It’s-”
“If you say it’s your fault I swear I’ll scream out his name right now and ask him myself.”
“Hara! It’s just a…misunderstanding.” She rose her eyebrow in disbelief. Damn, if only she didn’t know him so well. “Really!”
“Fine, if you won’t tell me, then I’ll just have to guess that he did or said something stupid that has made you, once again, doubt how amazing you are.” He opened his mouth in protest but she put a hand over it quickly. He blinked as a finger was pointed at him fiercely. “I know you’re just going to defend him, but listen to me, Lee Seunghyun. I knew you long before Jiyong did and I can say for sure that whatever he’s said isn’t true. You are special and worth so much more than what you give yourself.”
He dropped his shoulders in defeat and she nearly grinned. Success! She removed her hand and gave his arm a squeeze.
“I don’t understand why you look up to him so much, but trust me, Ri, it’s not a good idea to let someone else control the way you live your life. Once they have it, it’s so easy to just let go and I don’t know what I’d do with out you.”
He looked up from his careful counting of the tiles on the floor and instantly felt horrible for making her worry. Her eyes were creased and she was clutching his hand in earnestness. Is this how the other members felt too? Scared and angry watching him fall down a hole but powerless to stop it? His heart lurched in an entirely new way picturing Youngbae, Daesung and Seunghyun all hurting because of him. Was holding out hope for Jiyong to go back to the way things were worth their pain? He smiled and swept the hair out of her eyes.
“Thanks, Hara.”
She nodded and patted his hand once before letting go. He already missed her warmth.
Glancing over her shoulder he could see the rest of Kara tapping their feet down the hall and he felt bad for taking up so much of her time.
“Looks like you’re missed.” He nodded behind her. She followed his gaze and rolled her eyes.
“Yea, I guess I better go.” Swinging her hair around, she leaned in for a hug. His eyes widened as she kissed his cheek instead. “Please, Seunghyun, don’t let this be the thing that breaks you.” Her plea brought back memories of sitting together in a cold practice room and pinky promises not to let the big bad world destroy them.
She waved and sprinted down the hall as fast as her heels would carry her. Standing straighter he swore silently not to let her down. He slid his still warm hand into his pocket and turned around to follow the rest of Big Bang to the dressing room.
Don’t let this be the thing that breaks you.
Hell no.
~*~
Seungri practiced day and night for his big performance. His smile was perfect, his voice tone, spot on. He got up early, covered his dark circles with makeup he’d swiped from the stylist noonas, and put on his most comfortable jeans and his happiest tee shirt. Standing in front of the mirror, no one would have ever guessed his heart was cemented in pieces on the floor.
Breakfast was a silent affair. Like the dinner before it and the lunch before that and all the meals they’d shared since…well it felt like forever. He gritted his teeth in determination.
No more.
He couldn’t stand the thought that everyone was suffering because of him anymore. So, at exactly ten to 9 he stood outside the kitchen, took a deep breath, and *smiled*.
“Good morning.” He called out to no one in particular. Four sets of eyes stared back at him in shock. He could understand their confusion. For almost a month he had wandered around like a ghost in his own home. Flitting from place to place and hoping that no one would notice he wasn’t totally there. Jiyong gazed at him with vague disinterest. He supposed with his clothes on in the judging light of day he probably didn’t appeal to him at all.
Well, best to conquer the most difficult one first. Internally pulling all his strength, he looked Jiyong straight in in the eye and gave him a cheerful smile. “’Morning, hyung!” Everyone turned to stare silently at the leader. Seungri held his breath and hoped his gamble would pay off for once. He gazed at the maknae for so long, Seungri thought it was a waste. Then, something terrible clicked in Jiyong’s eyes and he shook his head sadly before giving a half smile back.
“Mornin’ Ri.”
At least it was something.
He could feel the room take a collective sigh of relief. Daesung cautiously smiled at Jiyong and wished him a good morning as well. When he smiled back, Seungri knew he had done the right thing. Grinning like an idiot wasn’t nearly as much work when you were as good at it as he was. Sitting to eat he pretended he didn’t feel Seunghyun’s eyes across the table or see Youngbae’s fingers nervously twitching or notice how Daesung was rambling on about Family Outing when they’d all heard the story before. It was just nice to start to feel like a family again.
Even if it was all just a house built on sand.
~*~
He’d expected Youngbae to corner him later that day. He’d brushed him off with a smile reserved especially for worried Umma!Singers. He’d lied more than he cared to admit and surprisingly…Youngbae believed him. He smiled his eye-disappearing grin and Seungri would have felt better had it not all be so fake.
He’d guessed Daesung would clap him on the shoulder and smile before walking away like it was nothing. When he stopped and pulled him into a hug, he froze momentarily. It wasn’t more than a few seconds but as his youngest hyung walked away he felt a little better about the lecture he knew was coming from his oldest hyung.
He’d figured Seunghyun would stare and not say a word until he blew up. But he knew he would wait at least until everyone else was gone. No sense in yelling at someone when Youngbae was likely to intervene just when he was getting worked up. He’d lasted nearly all day before he pushed his chair away from the lunch table and gave Seungri such a disappointed look that his smile almost faltered.
Seungri sighed when he’d gone. One thing at a time.
The one thing he hadn’t planned on was Jiyong sneaking into the bathroom when he was washing off the makeup covering his dark circles. The lies must have made them worse because he had started to look vaguely like a cancer patient. He almost jumped ten feet in the air when a pissed voice sounded from behind him.
“What are you doing Ri?” Jiyong leaned against the door and crossed his arms. Seungri quickly averted his eyes and went back to his task with the practiced ease of someone used to hiding.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, hyung.” The leader scoffed and pushed himself off fluidly. Seungri’s heart thudded with every step he took closer.
“The hell you don’t. What was that display at breakfast?” Damn him for being the one to call him out.
“That was me taking control of my life.” Jiyong looked him up and down. If he hadn’t been so pissed off he would have been hella turned on at the way he leaned forward and placed one arm on each side of his hips on the counter, effectively trapping him in. His next words were blown across the exposed skin on the back of his neck.
“Ha, Ri, you can’t even control your own closet.”
He spun around in his arms and tried to look him steadily in the eye. It was only moments before he gave up and settled for mildly disgruntled.
“Maybe not, but I have to try. I can’t depend on you for everything. Look how that turned out.”
“Ri, just leave it alone. You couldn‘t possible understand.”
“You’re right. How could I? I’m the stupid maknae.” A quick turn left him standing out of Jiyong’s arms and closer to the door. Closer to freedom. The leader was not going to give up so easily and took a step closer with every step he got to liberty. His smile was disarming, but his words were venomous. So unlike the Ji he knew.
“So, what, you’re just all over it now? You’re strong baby?” He mocked. His smile was becoming vicious again and for some reason it stirred long lost anger inside of him. Always underestimated. Didn’t Jiyong know that he tried so hard? Something had to stick during all that practicing. He placed his hands firmly on the leaders chest and pushed so hard he stumbled backwards into the counter. His eyes were wide in shock. Ri never stood up to him.
Never.
“No, Jiyong. I’m not.” He sighed and placed his hand where his heart should have been beating. “I ache every time I see you. I break when I see you laugh and smile because I just don’t understand why we can’t have that anymore. I want to crawl in bed and stay there forever when you take those girls to your bed because I know you’ll never care about me even one tenth of how you care about them. But I can’t do that. Because it makes Daesung cry and Youngbae worry and Seunghyun drink.“
The leader had the decency to look away, slightly shamed.
“I love your more than my life…but not more than theirs.”
Funny how when he turned around and walked away he didn’t feel nearly as proud of himself as he thought he would have.
~*~
Jiyong had left him alone after that. No more late night meetings or scowls in empty hallways. It had made picking up every piece of himself and throwing it away a little easier. Slipping the mask on every moment was slowly starting to feel familiar. He clutched at that one point like a life line. Eventually…it would get easier eventually.
When he saw Jiyong smiling and holding the hand of his newest girlfriend, it still made his heart ache but one look at Youngbae’s smiling face or a moment of Daesung’s twinkling laughter made him able to bear it. Youngbae still grinned to himself whenever he saw them sitting in the same room.
But it felt like something was missing.
Leaning against his doorframe, he could make out the slightly distant shapes of Jiyong giggling with his girl of the moment and tried to smile. A scoff from the door across from his brought him back to reality.
“It’s not going to get easier to see him with other people, Ri.” He could swear he saw Seunghyun look him up and down. “Trust me.”
“You’re still drinking.” A statement. There was no denying the scent of alcohol on his breath. He just shrugged and retreated back into his room. Seungri followed and closed the door behind him. Dae and Youngbae were an easy fix. Seunghyun on the other hand was so hard to read. He never knew exactly what the eldest was thinking.
“I’m sorry I drove you to this.” He collapsed on his bed and grabbed a cigarette from his side table. Seungri wrinkled his nose at the smell. Seunghyun glared at the ceiling regretfully.
“How can you be sorry when you don’t even know what you’re sorry for.”
“I’m sorry for that too.”
“Damnit, Ri!” He sat up suddenly and Seungri unconsciously took a step back. “Why do you have to be so fucking agreeable all the time!”
“I-”
“Your sorry, I know. It’s just,” The end of his cigarette blazed as he sucked in deeply. He blew the smoke out quickly and took the three steps to bring them in front of each other. “you’re making it so hard to get over you.”
His hand reached out and pulled them together in a rush of lips and tongues and heat. Seungri clung to his sweatshirt and tried not to think. His cigarette long forgotten, he slid one arm around the small of the younger boy’s back and drew him close. His eyes closed in bliss and he held him as long as he dared. Seunghyun pulled back silently and rubbed his hand across the boy’s cheek. Seungri stood still and blinked in confusion.
“I know you’ll never love me as much, but I’m asking for a chance.”
He couldn’t think of a reason to say no, so he said yes. Seunghyun smiled brightly and pulled him fully into his arms. Seungri felt warm and safe and if that’s all he ever deserved to have, then he supposed, for the moment, it was alright.
Seunghyun placed a kiss to his forehead and held him tighter. But as he lay his head against his hyung’s chest he couldn’t help but feel like a part of him was still missing.
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst
Warning: Some TabiRi. Oh yea, I did it.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: Ok, so I made up a performance where Big Bang and Kara would perform on the same night because I needed one to fit in the fic. Also I secretly wish for more live performances soon!! :D
Hope you like it. I added something special in there for everyone who kept asking. You'll know it when you see it.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
The lights came down. Hordes of girls screamed. Seungri sighed and wished to be back home in bed. They all crowded down the hall smiling at hubaes and bowing at sunbaes. Jiyong led and the rest followed like loyal members. Anyone around would never have guessed they were perfectly ordered so as not to have any embarrassing situations happen in front of a camera. Daesung and Youngbae nervously separated Jiyong from Seunghyun and Seungri just hid behind his wide shoulders and tried to be invisible.
“Ri!” He spun around preparing his smile for a camera and sighed in relief to see Goo Hara running up with a grin and glitter in her hair.
“Hi Hara!” He felt a genuine smile creep up and languished in the warm feeling she brought. “You have no idea how much I missed you.”
She winked and punched him in the shoulder lightly.
“Stop it, noona-killer! You know I won’t fall for your tricks!” Her laugh chimed and he wondered how anyone could not be charmed by her. He was lucky to know such a friend. Cocking her head to the side, she regarded him with a piercing eye. “What’s been up with you lately? You haven’t returned any of my calls. I miss you!”
“Sorry.” And he really did mean it. “There’s just been some…group issues lately.”
“You mean Jiyong.”
“Hara“ He warned. But with pursed lips and hand on her hips she was not to be moved.
“What did he do this time?”
“Nothing. It’s-”
“If you say it’s your fault I swear I’ll scream out his name right now and ask him myself.”
“Hara! It’s just a…misunderstanding.” She rose her eyebrow in disbelief. Damn, if only she didn’t know him so well. “Really!”
“Fine, if you won’t tell me, then I’ll just have to guess that he did or said something stupid that has made you, once again, doubt how amazing you are.” He opened his mouth in protest but she put a hand over it quickly. He blinked as a finger was pointed at him fiercely. “I know you’re just going to defend him, but listen to me, Lee Seunghyun. I knew you long before Jiyong did and I can say for sure that whatever he’s said isn’t true. You are special and worth so much more than what you give yourself.”
He dropped his shoulders in defeat and she nearly grinned. Success! She removed her hand and gave his arm a squeeze.
“I don’t understand why you look up to him so much, but trust me, Ri, it’s not a good idea to let someone else control the way you live your life. Once they have it, it’s so easy to just let go and I don’t know what I’d do with out you.”
He looked up from his careful counting of the tiles on the floor and instantly felt horrible for making her worry. Her eyes were creased and she was clutching his hand in earnestness. Is this how the other members felt too? Scared and angry watching him fall down a hole but powerless to stop it? His heart lurched in an entirely new way picturing Youngbae, Daesung and Seunghyun all hurting because of him. Was holding out hope for Jiyong to go back to the way things were worth their pain? He smiled and swept the hair out of her eyes.
“Thanks, Hara.”
She nodded and patted his hand once before letting go. He already missed her warmth.
Glancing over her shoulder he could see the rest of Kara tapping their feet down the hall and he felt bad for taking up so much of her time.
“Looks like you’re missed.” He nodded behind her. She followed his gaze and rolled her eyes.
“Yea, I guess I better go.” Swinging her hair around, she leaned in for a hug. His eyes widened as she kissed his cheek instead. “Please, Seunghyun, don’t let this be the thing that breaks you.” Her plea brought back memories of sitting together in a cold practice room and pinky promises not to let the big bad world destroy them.
She waved and sprinted down the hall as fast as her heels would carry her. Standing straighter he swore silently not to let her down. He slid his still warm hand into his pocket and turned around to follow the rest of Big Bang to the dressing room.
Don’t let this be the thing that breaks you.
Hell no.
~*~
Seungri practiced day and night for his big performance. His smile was perfect, his voice tone, spot on. He got up early, covered his dark circles with makeup he’d swiped from the stylist noonas, and put on his most comfortable jeans and his happiest tee shirt. Standing in front of the mirror, no one would have ever guessed his heart was cemented in pieces on the floor.
Breakfast was a silent affair. Like the dinner before it and the lunch before that and all the meals they’d shared since…well it felt like forever. He gritted his teeth in determination.
No more.
He couldn’t stand the thought that everyone was suffering because of him anymore. So, at exactly ten to 9 he stood outside the kitchen, took a deep breath, and *smiled*.
“Good morning.” He called out to no one in particular. Four sets of eyes stared back at him in shock. He could understand their confusion. For almost a month he had wandered around like a ghost in his own home. Flitting from place to place and hoping that no one would notice he wasn’t totally there. Jiyong gazed at him with vague disinterest. He supposed with his clothes on in the judging light of day he probably didn’t appeal to him at all.
Well, best to conquer the most difficult one first. Internally pulling all his strength, he looked Jiyong straight in in the eye and gave him a cheerful smile. “’Morning, hyung!” Everyone turned to stare silently at the leader. Seungri held his breath and hoped his gamble would pay off for once. He gazed at the maknae for so long, Seungri thought it was a waste. Then, something terrible clicked in Jiyong’s eyes and he shook his head sadly before giving a half smile back.
“Mornin’ Ri.”
At least it was something.
He could feel the room take a collective sigh of relief. Daesung cautiously smiled at Jiyong and wished him a good morning as well. When he smiled back, Seungri knew he had done the right thing. Grinning like an idiot wasn’t nearly as much work when you were as good at it as he was. Sitting to eat he pretended he didn’t feel Seunghyun’s eyes across the table or see Youngbae’s fingers nervously twitching or notice how Daesung was rambling on about Family Outing when they’d all heard the story before. It was just nice to start to feel like a family again.
Even if it was all just a house built on sand.
~*~
He’d expected Youngbae to corner him later that day. He’d brushed him off with a smile reserved especially for worried Umma!Singers. He’d lied more than he cared to admit and surprisingly…Youngbae believed him. He smiled his eye-disappearing grin and Seungri would have felt better had it not all be so fake.
He’d guessed Daesung would clap him on the shoulder and smile before walking away like it was nothing. When he stopped and pulled him into a hug, he froze momentarily. It wasn’t more than a few seconds but as his youngest hyung walked away he felt a little better about the lecture he knew was coming from his oldest hyung.
He’d figured Seunghyun would stare and not say a word until he blew up. But he knew he would wait at least until everyone else was gone. No sense in yelling at someone when Youngbae was likely to intervene just when he was getting worked up. He’d lasted nearly all day before he pushed his chair away from the lunch table and gave Seungri such a disappointed look that his smile almost faltered.
Seungri sighed when he’d gone. One thing at a time.
The one thing he hadn’t planned on was Jiyong sneaking into the bathroom when he was washing off the makeup covering his dark circles. The lies must have made them worse because he had started to look vaguely like a cancer patient. He almost jumped ten feet in the air when a pissed voice sounded from behind him.
“What are you doing Ri?” Jiyong leaned against the door and crossed his arms. Seungri quickly averted his eyes and went back to his task with the practiced ease of someone used to hiding.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, hyung.” The leader scoffed and pushed himself off fluidly. Seungri’s heart thudded with every step he took closer.
“The hell you don’t. What was that display at breakfast?” Damn him for being the one to call him out.
“That was me taking control of my life.” Jiyong looked him up and down. If he hadn’t been so pissed off he would have been hella turned on at the way he leaned forward and placed one arm on each side of his hips on the counter, effectively trapping him in. His next words were blown across the exposed skin on the back of his neck.
“Ha, Ri, you can’t even control your own closet.”
He spun around in his arms and tried to look him steadily in the eye. It was only moments before he gave up and settled for mildly disgruntled.
“Maybe not, but I have to try. I can’t depend on you for everything. Look how that turned out.”
“Ri, just leave it alone. You couldn‘t possible understand.”
“You’re right. How could I? I’m the stupid maknae.” A quick turn left him standing out of Jiyong’s arms and closer to the door. Closer to freedom. The leader was not going to give up so easily and took a step closer with every step he got to liberty. His smile was disarming, but his words were venomous. So unlike the Ji he knew.
“So, what, you’re just all over it now? You’re strong baby?” He mocked. His smile was becoming vicious again and for some reason it stirred long lost anger inside of him. Always underestimated. Didn’t Jiyong know that he tried so hard? Something had to stick during all that practicing. He placed his hands firmly on the leaders chest and pushed so hard he stumbled backwards into the counter. His eyes were wide in shock. Ri never stood up to him.
Never.
“No, Jiyong. I’m not.” He sighed and placed his hand where his heart should have been beating. “I ache every time I see you. I break when I see you laugh and smile because I just don’t understand why we can’t have that anymore. I want to crawl in bed and stay there forever when you take those girls to your bed because I know you’ll never care about me even one tenth of how you care about them. But I can’t do that. Because it makes Daesung cry and Youngbae worry and Seunghyun drink.“
The leader had the decency to look away, slightly shamed.
“I love your more than my life…but not more than theirs.”
Funny how when he turned around and walked away he didn’t feel nearly as proud of himself as he thought he would have.
~*~
Jiyong had left him alone after that. No more late night meetings or scowls in empty hallways. It had made picking up every piece of himself and throwing it away a little easier. Slipping the mask on every moment was slowly starting to feel familiar. He clutched at that one point like a life line. Eventually…it would get easier eventually.
When he saw Jiyong smiling and holding the hand of his newest girlfriend, it still made his heart ache but one look at Youngbae’s smiling face or a moment of Daesung’s twinkling laughter made him able to bear it. Youngbae still grinned to himself whenever he saw them sitting in the same room.
But it felt like something was missing.
Leaning against his doorframe, he could make out the slightly distant shapes of Jiyong giggling with his girl of the moment and tried to smile. A scoff from the door across from his brought him back to reality.
“It’s not going to get easier to see him with other people, Ri.” He could swear he saw Seunghyun look him up and down. “Trust me.”
“You’re still drinking.” A statement. There was no denying the scent of alcohol on his breath. He just shrugged and retreated back into his room. Seungri followed and closed the door behind him. Dae and Youngbae were an easy fix. Seunghyun on the other hand was so hard to read. He never knew exactly what the eldest was thinking.
“I’m sorry I drove you to this.” He collapsed on his bed and grabbed a cigarette from his side table. Seungri wrinkled his nose at the smell. Seunghyun glared at the ceiling regretfully.
“How can you be sorry when you don’t even know what you’re sorry for.”
“I’m sorry for that too.”
“Damnit, Ri!” He sat up suddenly and Seungri unconsciously took a step back. “Why do you have to be so fucking agreeable all the time!”
“I-”
“Your sorry, I know. It’s just,” The end of his cigarette blazed as he sucked in deeply. He blew the smoke out quickly and took the three steps to bring them in front of each other. “you’re making it so hard to get over you.”
His hand reached out and pulled them together in a rush of lips and tongues and heat. Seungri clung to his sweatshirt and tried not to think. His cigarette long forgotten, he slid one arm around the small of the younger boy’s back and drew him close. His eyes closed in bliss and he held him as long as he dared. Seunghyun pulled back silently and rubbed his hand across the boy’s cheek. Seungri stood still and blinked in confusion.
“I know you’ll never love me as much, but I’m asking for a chance.”
He couldn’t think of a reason to say no, so he said yes. Seunghyun smiled brightly and pulled him fully into his arms. Seungri felt warm and safe and if that’s all he ever deserved to have, then he supposed, for the moment, it was alright.
Seunghyun placed a kiss to his forehead and held him tighter. But as he lay his head against his hyung’s chest he couldn’t help but feel like a part of him was still missing.