In the Wrong Pt 8
Title: "In the Wrong" 8/10
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Mild swearing, some language not suitable for children. Hell this whole fic isn't suitable for children.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: So I took a translation of “Tell Me Goodbye” and interspersed it through the chapter. I hope it’s not confusing, but all the italics are pieces of the song. They aren’t in the correct order, but I really love this song and it just seems to fit so well. I swear it’s like Jiyong is reading my mind!
~*~
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
Seungri read over the lyrics on their new song with tired eyes. He knew what the leader was trying to tell him with it, but he just didn’t understand why.
Still thinking about this thing alot
You got me shaken up
(Please tell me there’s a way)
His eyes had been so piercing when he’d given him the music that it made him stop still in his tracks. He stood peering into his eyes like a silent scream. For some reason it broke his heart but he stood mutely and let Jiyong pass him by.
Baby our love itself brings us pain
And I got nothing, nothing to say
Jiyong had closed his eyes tightly and Seungri knew he was letting go.
It’s best to break it up
It’s gonna be better for you, move on
Seungri watched him walk away with a quick beating heart. It really shouldn’t have hurt so much.
And now we cover it up
~*~
Seunghyun had avoided him like the plague ever since Jiyong’s explosion. He knew if he’d truly loved the older man it would have made a dent in his reality, but as it stood, he was just a little more cold at night. He almost felt bad when he saw Seunghyun shuffle from room to room like a ghost. He knew exactly what that felt like.
merely being by my side is not kindness Baby
“Hyung, I’m sor-” He called after Seunghyun as he escaped down the hall to his room. He barely opened his mouth before the rapper was shaking his head. He gave a self depreciating chuckle and turned to face him. He looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were red from laying on his pillow for too long. Seungri wondered if this is what Jiyong felt like when he looked at him after he’d been crying.
all these things, I can’t take it, those tears, don’t cry for me
for your sake I’ll never look back again
“No you’re not.” His voice was hoarse and it grinded against his sanity. It wasn’t supposed to ever go this far. He shouldn’t have said yes. He shouldn’t have tried to fill such a endless void with someone else who didn’t deserve his pain. He never meant to turn into…Jiyong.
you know when you lose your smile
I will place the blame on myself
He tried to pull up some kind of regret and was met with only numbness. The way Seunghyun’s arms circled his chest protectively snapped something fine inside him. A grown man reduced to holding himself in a moment of weakness. His voice compacted to a whisper before the man he should have loved.
“I really wish I was.”
Those words, and even the light
I will lose sight of everything else
Seunghyun closed his eyes and held his hand up to stop the onslaught of words.
“It’s not good enough.” His voice was firm and Seungri knew it was his way of saying goodbye. He turned and retreated back to safe confines of his room, leaving him alone. As he stared at the four doors in the hallway he knew they were all closed to him. Youngbae had taken one look at Seunghyun’s scruffy face and shaking hands and chosen his side. Seungri was no longer the little boy being used and abused, but the cold-hearted abuser to him. Daesung had just smiled sadly at him before closing his door softly. He knew when not to get involved.
And Jiyong? Well Jiyong had written a whole song dedicated to his opinion on the matter.
those hands that embraced me
seem to be letting go
He walked down the hall and ran his fingers lightly along the wall. He had never felt so apart from everyone as he did at that very moment. The mirror in the hall caught his eye as he passed by. His own eyes looked foreign. They were faded and half lidded. No matter how many love declarations and decrees of ownership he had received, they still stayed exactly how they were when he wept for his lost life with his family. No matter who cared about him or who hurt him, he always ended up the little boy with sad eyes and a weak heart. A strong will, but a baseless hope to place it on.
Heavy bass thumped out of the farthest door and he felt pulled to it. Always pulled to it. He glanced at Seunghyun’s door and felt no desire to run and comfort him. Even though he knew if he’d gone and apologized and swore to do better the man would have taken him back. Something solid crystallized in him and he knew exactly the difference. The reason Seunghyun hadn’t put up a fight when Jiyong had declared him, his.
Because he’d known all along. He’s stayed and tried to fix him and love him when he knew all along that he couldn’t possibly have been the one. That no matter what he did to heal him and no matter what Jiyong did to hurt him, he would alwaysalwaysalways be Jiyong’s.
He shook his head in realization. How come it was never until stepping back that he was able to see just how messed up things had gotten?
and it’s so, so
Sad it just ain’t happening
Wish it could be better
See exactly what he had done.
I couldn’t live with myself seeing you lacking
The things you deserve
See what was done to him.
Must believe that it hurts
I feel the aching through my body
it just takes a bigger part of me
See what he really needed to breathliveexist.
Fear began to wrap it’s slinky tendrils around his throat as he stood in front of a closed door and knocked. The music inside shut off immediately as if it’s occupant had been waiting breathlessly for him.
“It’s open.” His shaking hands gripped the doorknob with more force than necessary. He felt doubts pulling at his arm and legs. Begging him to turn back around and save himself. But the moment he saw Jiyong sitting crossed legged on his bed with a sweatshirt far too big and wide eyes he knew his mind was made up. The door shut behind him with a click and the leader stood from his place in a rush.
“Ri? I thought you were Bae coming to yell at me again.” His voice didn’t hold any of the maliciousness it had been swimming though in the previous months and it gave Ri pause. He sounded hopeful but scared. His eyes were worried and darted from the floor to the ceiling back to the floor in an attempt to avoid his gaze. He didn’t look anything like the man who had been drinking and steadily pushing himself as far away from everyone as he could.
He looked like a scared little boy, sitting in his room to avoid everything that had been steadily pulling at his strings. He looked taught and thinly spread. He looked wounded.
I swear I won’t even for a second
cause you any pain
“Why are you here?” He was detached and it showed in the way he stood with his hands barely sticking out from under his sleeves. He bare feet wiggled in nervousness and Seungri felt oddly strong seeing his hyung look so unsure. A surge of confidence pushed it’s way out of his mouth in a rush.
“Why did you write that song?” Jiyong glanced up in confusion at the sudden change in topic.
“Wha-?“ He sighed and slumped back onto his bed. Running a frustrated hand through his hair he laughed to himself. “Of course you wouldn’t understand.”
Forget the fact that he was no where near as stupid as everyone thought, the simple act of impatience at his line of questioning did odd things to his psyche. It grabbed hold of all the thoughts he’d been swallowing and forced them out into the open where they could(would) hit home.
“You think you’re being noble for pushing me away, Jiyong?“ If he hadn’t been angry at the assumption of his ignorance he would have patted himself on the back for sounding so strong. “You’re just running away again and it’s getting pathetic.”
Jiyong stood with his fists clenched.
“How dare you talk to me like that, maknae!” His voice didn’t hold any of the strength his eyes tried to portray. Seungri felt a migraine coming on as their typical dance began to form. Insult, mock, blow up, back off, apologize, run away, avoid, insult, mock, blow up, sex. He felt sick with the formality of it all. What was there left to lose after all?
The force of his kiss slammed Jiyong back into the wall. Hands gripped arms like a lifeline and a thigh pushed it’s way in between his legs. Seungri moaned as Jiyong pulled his hair roughly. Time seemed to slow down until all that mattered was his hyung’s hand gripping his hip possessively and his lips running along his jaw line. Jiyong fell against him firmly as he pressed them flush together. He let out a contented sigh when he (finally)felt his hands surround his waist in reply.
This was how it was supposed to be.
Baby the moment our lips part this time
Before he could properly glow in the calmness that feeling complete brought, the hands slid back a step along with the other man. His eyes were down cast and his hands folded in on themselves.
No.
those hands that embraced me
“Ri, we can’t.“
God please no.
“I’m…messed up.”
in order to protect you
there’s already no other way
Stop. Don’t do this.
Letting you go…
His words faded in and out as Seungri stood shell shocked. The warmth of his kisses still lingered on his jaw line and for a moment he really didn’t think he could take it again. He wouldn’t make it. Not this time.
“It’s not fair to make you suffer.”
your voice, pained and fading away, away…
Please. Not again.
“I’m sorry, but we have to do this. For Big Bang.”
if forgetting me will give you freedom Baby
Tell me goodbye
He blinked once and turned around so suddenly it gave Jiyong a start.
“Ri.” He called out from the room as Seungri walked numbly down the hall, out the door, up the stairs, through the third door on the left, and onto the roof. The night would have been pitch black had it not been for the multitude of little lights like stars on the horizon. The wind pushed and pulled but he couldn’t feel anything. Finally empty, he gazed at Seoul with unaffected eyes.
Shouldn’t be less than happy
He remembered wanting so badly to come to this city and be a part of something exciting. To find something to fulfill his dreams and make everything better. What he’d found had been trials that took all his energy, shows that critiqued his every word and shoe choice, and enough cynicism to drown any positivity that was left behind. Still he stayed because Jiyong and Youngbae and Daesung and Seunghyun were able to deal with it, so he would make it though..
But Youngbae was smiling less and less these days.
Daesung was staying away more days that Family Outing took to film.
Seunghyun was sleeping every free moment he had.
And Jiyong was cracking apart at the seams.
For the first time since he’d left his whole family, his whole life behind he wondered,
“What’s the fucking point?”
But it was just swept away. Another rambling, listless thought laid at the feet of a starving monster of a city that destroyed everything it touched.
erased completely by the wind, stay, stay…
“Why stay?”
The scariest thing was he no longer had an answer.
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Mild swearing, some language not suitable for children. Hell this whole fic isn't suitable for children.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: So I took a translation of “Tell Me Goodbye” and interspersed it through the chapter. I hope it’s not confusing, but all the italics are pieces of the song. They aren’t in the correct order, but I really love this song and it just seems to fit so well. I swear it’s like Jiyong is reading my mind!
~*~
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
Seungri read over the lyrics on their new song with tired eyes. He knew what the leader was trying to tell him with it, but he just didn’t understand why.
Still thinking about this thing alot
You got me shaken up
(Please tell me there’s a way)
His eyes had been so piercing when he’d given him the music that it made him stop still in his tracks. He stood peering into his eyes like a silent scream. For some reason it broke his heart but he stood mutely and let Jiyong pass him by.
Baby our love itself brings us pain
And I got nothing, nothing to say
Jiyong had closed his eyes tightly and Seungri knew he was letting go.
It’s best to break it up
It’s gonna be better for you, move on
Seungri watched him walk away with a quick beating heart. It really shouldn’t have hurt so much.
And now we cover it up
~*~
Seunghyun had avoided him like the plague ever since Jiyong’s explosion. He knew if he’d truly loved the older man it would have made a dent in his reality, but as it stood, he was just a little more cold at night. He almost felt bad when he saw Seunghyun shuffle from room to room like a ghost. He knew exactly what that felt like.
merely being by my side is not kindness Baby
“Hyung, I’m sor-” He called after Seunghyun as he escaped down the hall to his room. He barely opened his mouth before the rapper was shaking his head. He gave a self depreciating chuckle and turned to face him. He looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were red from laying on his pillow for too long. Seungri wondered if this is what Jiyong felt like when he looked at him after he’d been crying.
all these things, I can’t take it, those tears, don’t cry for me
for your sake I’ll never look back again
“No you’re not.” His voice was hoarse and it grinded against his sanity. It wasn’t supposed to ever go this far. He shouldn’t have said yes. He shouldn’t have tried to fill such a endless void with someone else who didn’t deserve his pain. He never meant to turn into…Jiyong.
you know when you lose your smile
I will place the blame on myself
He tried to pull up some kind of regret and was met with only numbness. The way Seunghyun’s arms circled his chest protectively snapped something fine inside him. A grown man reduced to holding himself in a moment of weakness. His voice compacted to a whisper before the man he should have loved.
“I really wish I was.”
Those words, and even the light
I will lose sight of everything else
Seunghyun closed his eyes and held his hand up to stop the onslaught of words.
“It’s not good enough.” His voice was firm and Seungri knew it was his way of saying goodbye. He turned and retreated back to safe confines of his room, leaving him alone. As he stared at the four doors in the hallway he knew they were all closed to him. Youngbae had taken one look at Seunghyun’s scruffy face and shaking hands and chosen his side. Seungri was no longer the little boy being used and abused, but the cold-hearted abuser to him. Daesung had just smiled sadly at him before closing his door softly. He knew when not to get involved.
And Jiyong? Well Jiyong had written a whole song dedicated to his opinion on the matter.
those hands that embraced me
seem to be letting go
He walked down the hall and ran his fingers lightly along the wall. He had never felt so apart from everyone as he did at that very moment. The mirror in the hall caught his eye as he passed by. His own eyes looked foreign. They were faded and half lidded. No matter how many love declarations and decrees of ownership he had received, they still stayed exactly how they were when he wept for his lost life with his family. No matter who cared about him or who hurt him, he always ended up the little boy with sad eyes and a weak heart. A strong will, but a baseless hope to place it on.
Heavy bass thumped out of the farthest door and he felt pulled to it. Always pulled to it. He glanced at Seunghyun’s door and felt no desire to run and comfort him. Even though he knew if he’d gone and apologized and swore to do better the man would have taken him back. Something solid crystallized in him and he knew exactly the difference. The reason Seunghyun hadn’t put up a fight when Jiyong had declared him, his.
Because he’d known all along. He’s stayed and tried to fix him and love him when he knew all along that he couldn’t possibly have been the one. That no matter what he did to heal him and no matter what Jiyong did to hurt him, he would alwaysalwaysalways be Jiyong’s.
He shook his head in realization. How come it was never until stepping back that he was able to see just how messed up things had gotten?
and it’s so, so
Sad it just ain’t happening
Wish it could be better
See exactly what he had done.
I couldn’t live with myself seeing you lacking
The things you deserve
See what was done to him.
Must believe that it hurts
I feel the aching through my body
it just takes a bigger part of me
See what he really needed to breathliveexist.
Fear began to wrap it’s slinky tendrils around his throat as he stood in front of a closed door and knocked. The music inside shut off immediately as if it’s occupant had been waiting breathlessly for him.
“It’s open.” His shaking hands gripped the doorknob with more force than necessary. He felt doubts pulling at his arm and legs. Begging him to turn back around and save himself. But the moment he saw Jiyong sitting crossed legged on his bed with a sweatshirt far too big and wide eyes he knew his mind was made up. The door shut behind him with a click and the leader stood from his place in a rush.
“Ri? I thought you were Bae coming to yell at me again.” His voice didn’t hold any of the maliciousness it had been swimming though in the previous months and it gave Ri pause. He sounded hopeful but scared. His eyes were worried and darted from the floor to the ceiling back to the floor in an attempt to avoid his gaze. He didn’t look anything like the man who had been drinking and steadily pushing himself as far away from everyone as he could.
He looked like a scared little boy, sitting in his room to avoid everything that had been steadily pulling at his strings. He looked taught and thinly spread. He looked wounded.
I swear I won’t even for a second
cause you any pain
“Why are you here?” He was detached and it showed in the way he stood with his hands barely sticking out from under his sleeves. He bare feet wiggled in nervousness and Seungri felt oddly strong seeing his hyung look so unsure. A surge of confidence pushed it’s way out of his mouth in a rush.
“Why did you write that song?” Jiyong glanced up in confusion at the sudden change in topic.
“Wha-?“ He sighed and slumped back onto his bed. Running a frustrated hand through his hair he laughed to himself. “Of course you wouldn’t understand.”
Forget the fact that he was no where near as stupid as everyone thought, the simple act of impatience at his line of questioning did odd things to his psyche. It grabbed hold of all the thoughts he’d been swallowing and forced them out into the open where they could(would) hit home.
“You think you’re being noble for pushing me away, Jiyong?“ If he hadn’t been angry at the assumption of his ignorance he would have patted himself on the back for sounding so strong. “You’re just running away again and it’s getting pathetic.”
Jiyong stood with his fists clenched.
“How dare you talk to me like that, maknae!” His voice didn’t hold any of the strength his eyes tried to portray. Seungri felt a migraine coming on as their typical dance began to form. Insult, mock, blow up, back off, apologize, run away, avoid, insult, mock, blow up, sex. He felt sick with the formality of it all. What was there left to lose after all?
The force of his kiss slammed Jiyong back into the wall. Hands gripped arms like a lifeline and a thigh pushed it’s way in between his legs. Seungri moaned as Jiyong pulled his hair roughly. Time seemed to slow down until all that mattered was his hyung’s hand gripping his hip possessively and his lips running along his jaw line. Jiyong fell against him firmly as he pressed them flush together. He let out a contented sigh when he (finally)felt his hands surround his waist in reply.
This was how it was supposed to be.
Baby the moment our lips part this time
Before he could properly glow in the calmness that feeling complete brought, the hands slid back a step along with the other man. His eyes were down cast and his hands folded in on themselves.
No.
those hands that embraced me
“Ri, we can’t.“
God please no.
“I’m…messed up.”
in order to protect you
there’s already no other way
Stop. Don’t do this.
Letting you go…
His words faded in and out as Seungri stood shell shocked. The warmth of his kisses still lingered on his jaw line and for a moment he really didn’t think he could take it again. He wouldn’t make it. Not this time.
“It’s not fair to make you suffer.”
your voice, pained and fading away, away…
Please. Not again.
“I’m sorry, but we have to do this. For Big Bang.”
if forgetting me will give you freedom Baby
Tell me goodbye
He blinked once and turned around so suddenly it gave Jiyong a start.
“Ri.” He called out from the room as Seungri walked numbly down the hall, out the door, up the stairs, through the third door on the left, and onto the roof. The night would have been pitch black had it not been for the multitude of little lights like stars on the horizon. The wind pushed and pulled but he couldn’t feel anything. Finally empty, he gazed at Seoul with unaffected eyes.
Shouldn’t be less than happy
He remembered wanting so badly to come to this city and be a part of something exciting. To find something to fulfill his dreams and make everything better. What he’d found had been trials that took all his energy, shows that critiqued his every word and shoe choice, and enough cynicism to drown any positivity that was left behind. Still he stayed because Jiyong and Youngbae and Daesung and Seunghyun were able to deal with it, so he would make it though..
But Youngbae was smiling less and less these days.
Daesung was staying away more days that Family Outing took to film.
Seunghyun was sleeping every free moment he had.
And Jiyong was cracking apart at the seams.
For the first time since he’d left his whole family, his whole life behind he wondered,
“What’s the fucking point?”
But it was just swept away. Another rambling, listless thought laid at the feet of a starving monster of a city that destroyed everything it touched.
erased completely by the wind, stay, stay…
“Why stay?”
The scariest thing was he no longer had an answer.
Tell me goodbye, tell me goodbye.