In the Wrong Pt 9
Title: "In the Wrong" 9/10
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Mild swearing, some language not suitable for children. Hell this whole fic isn't suitable for children.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: Again, you all rock so much for your comments! They made this chapter come out despite all the power on my block going out for two days!
Ok, also, this one is going to feel a little different than the others because it‘s geared more to what Jiyong is feeling. Hope you still enjoy the change!
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
~*~
“I tried, Bae! I tried to stay away from him!”
“Sshh.”
“No! You were right! I should have thought about him instead what I wanted.“ He slumped onto the couch and tried hard to keep his legs from jiggling. “It’s just that I waited for so long before I finally got up the courage to touch him.” He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes wishing that the world would go away. “When he responded I thought everything would be ok. But then he cried.”
He looked up and Youngbae’s eyes were so full of pain. He couldn’t look away knowing that he deserved to take it all.
“I made him cry, Bae! I tried to love him and I only broke him more! I swore I would never hurt someone like he hurt me.”
“Ji…”
“I know how much he looks up to me but I just…I just want him so bad sometimes.” His brow creased in a frown and he felt so powerless against his desire.
“I feel so sick. It’s like when he cries, I feel…hot. Like I need to take him any way I can and make him mine.”
“You want to protect him, Ji. That’s what the feeling is.”
“No, you don’t understand. I…I want to hurt him. Make him cling onto me and cry my name.”
“I always knew you were fucked up, but that’s really warped, Jiyong.”
He spun around, panicked to see Seunghyun grimacing in the door way. He held a half empty bottle of beer and Jiyong felt jealous that alcohol still worked for him. His problems were of the more intense variety and only increased when drunkenness was mixed in.
“Hyung! That’s not fair.”
“Fair, Bae? You think it’s fair that Seungri’s been killing himself trying to be perfect for Jiyong?“ The livid jealously on his breath was not lost on either of them. “Do you think it’s fair that he’s practically shrinking away to nothing because no matter what he tries all he gets back is rejection? Tell me about fair, Bae, cause I really wanna know what you think Jiyong deserves!” The wall next to him shook with the force of his fist drilling a hole in it. Youngbae’s eyes widened as he saw a shaky little boy walk though the front door like a zombie.
“Where were you?!” He looked to Youngbae for the rest of his worried!Umma rant, but saw Jiyong’s worried eyes staring him down instead.
Seungri just shrugged and kicked his shoes off at the door. He cheeks were red and his hair was wind blown. Logically Jiyong knew where he had gone, but the panic that he’d felt at seeing his shoes and coat gone in the middle of the night still thrummed though his veins. He felt oddly like a mother scolding her son and wondered if this is what Youngbae must have felt like every time he called someone out.
He took a step closer to the maknae and tried to ignore his half lidded eyes.
“You walked out of here with out saying a word and then didn’t come back for three hours!” His voice rose an octave before he could control it. Damn this boy for making him become some clingy warped nutcase. He worked for years to control the feelings that blackened his heart and made him destroy beautiful things. As he looked in the young boy’s eyes he knew he had failed. All the light they once held had fizzled out and his hands hung limply at his side. Even his voice held no bite.
“What the hell does it matter to you, anyways? You don’t want me, remember?”
His mouth closed with an audible click and he looked helplessly to Youngbae. His eyes were tired, and Jiyong actually felt guilty for pushing his shortcomings onto him once again. But the look was gone before he could process it properly and he moved on. It was all he could do in hopeless situations. Process what he could fix and move all the rest to the back burner.
Youngbae stepped in front of Seungri and quietly addressed him in all seriousness.
“Seungri, you have to tell us when you leave.” He rolled his eyes and started to move towards his room, when the shorter man’s hand gripped his arm steadily. “Please. I’m asking you as a friend.”
His eyes softened a little and nodded, slightly ashamed.
Jiyong breathed a sigh of relief that at least someone was still able to reach him, albeit lightly. Seunghyun scoffed and turned to go back and pout in his room. Did he think he was the only one who had to give up something he loved? Something he needed like oxygen? Jiyong wanted so badly to berate him for being so weak but didn’t have the heart when he saw his slumped shoulders and dragging feet. Just another fucking casualty in the game they all kept playing.
Seungri’s hand swept his as he walked past and Jiyong had the inexplicable urge to grasp on as tightly as he could and never let go. But as he pictured their inevitable failure as a couple he let him pass by untouched. Still, the beginning of his dream had been nice.
He would grab Seungri’s hand and they would stare into each other’s eyes before one or both of them broke. He would grab him and hold him close; promise he would never ever hurt him again. Seungri would smile and snuggle closer and believe every word. They would be happy for three days for three week or three years, but eventually, something would trigger the memories of lying on his back on the cold floor of the practice room with a sweaty man hovering over him and he would break.
Seungri would stop smiling as he took all the happiness he held dear and crushed it under his heel. He would push and mock and try to climb into a cold shell and forget everything that had ruined him. Seungri would be left alone again with more than one scar to add to his rapidly multiplying collection. No one would be there to help them and one or both would give up for good.
He shook his head to rid himself of the traitorous thoughts. Just another mocking notion to add to all the rest. He couldn’t even lead a happy life in his fantasy.
Fucking pathetic.
~*~
“Jiyong, what’s the real reason for all this?” He looked up from his computer in shock to see Daesung standing in his doorway. Daesung never confronted anyone. He stood in the back and let all the drama unfold and hoped it wouldn’t drag him down too. Maybe it was the fact that he was hovering just outside his room with a hand on one hip looking slightly frightening or maybe it was the knowledge that it had gotten so bad that even Daesung had to become a part of it, but Jiyong didn’t pretend to be ignorant.
“It’s complicated, Dae.”
“No it’s not.” He pushed off the doorframe and walked slowly to the bed. He laid back on it gracefully and made himself at home next to Laura. “People always say it’s complicated when they know exactly what’s wrong but don’t want to admit it.” He eyed him carefully, like he was sizing him up for the first time.
“I guess I just thought you were better than that.”
Score one hit for the underappreciated vocalist. Jiyong felt that one distinctly. With resigned carelessness he moved to moved to join him on the bed and fell back with a long sigh. The lay still together until he sniffed and grabbed the singer’s hand in solidarity.
“I’m scared.” He whispered. The way Daesung tightened his hold, he knew it was understood. “I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to make him like me.”
“He should be so lucky.” he chuckled and turned on his side to face him. Daesung crooked his head and grinned back. “Seriously though, Jiyong, give him some credit. He knows what he’s getting into.”
The bed cover felt soft under his fingertips and he wished he could have more moments like this one. Lying with someone he really cared about and just having a conversation. Nothing exciting or dramatic. Just to talk and listen and be there for one another.
“I don’t think anyone knows the messed up things I’m capable of.”
“We all have out screwed up pasts. It’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are.” He smiled again and patted his leg. Jiyong was suddenly filled with an intense curiosity at what had happened to make him smile like he had to or the world would end. It made him sadder than it should have. Daesung stood and made his way to the door.
“You’re lucky. You have someone who has seen your darkness and still wants you. Broken pieces and all.” He smiled like a cracked doll and if he’d had the heart he would have tried his hardest to fix him. His hands gripped the sides of the bed tightly as he watched his friend walk away with a new found pity.
“You should hold on to that.”
~*~
It took him three days to get up the courage to knock on Seunghyun’s door. It took him several minutes to open and Jiyong knew he was hiding his replacements for Seungri.
Beer and vodka.
The room reeked of alcohol but he still gave a half smile and pushed his way in. Seunghyun groaned but shut the door behind him. He could see several empty bottles haphazardly hidden under the bed. It cemented his purpose and he stood like a statue before his hyung.
“You need to stop drinking.”
He laughed. God help him, he actually laughed in his face before shoving past him to his bed. He pulled out a full bottle from under his pillow and smirked before popping the top off and taking a long drink. So, he wanted to play like that, huh? Jiyong marched up to him and slapped the bottle viciously out of his hand.
“When your leader tells you to do something, you better fucking do it.” His tone was cold and it made Seunghyun take notice. His eyes fell and he sunk down onto the bed. All the fight escaped like a gust of wind and he looked so defeated.
“Jiyong, just leave me alone, ok? I can’t do this now.”
“When, then? Are you just going to drink yourself to sleep every night because you can’t have him?” His shame covered the air around them and tried to pull him down with it. He lowered his voice and knelt down in front of Seunghyun.
“You told me that I couldn’t let what happened to me be an excuse. And you were right. It’s hard to be strong and move on.”
Seunghyun kept his eyes glued to the floor and sighed.
“I just wanted to help him. To love him.” His voice was small and so unlike him that it made him clench his teeth in self-anger. He watched as a strong confident friend was brought his knees by a thing much bigger than himself and couldn’t help but find similarities with someone else.
He stood to leave with more pity than he’d begun with.
“I know it hurts right now, but Seungri’s not going to be the one that breaks you. I know it.” He could tell his hyung didn’t believe him with the scoff he threw his way.
“By the way,” he threw over his shoulder “you should talk to Daesung. I think he could really use someone right now.” He missed the way Seunghyun stared after him thoughtfully as he walked out to meet the next step in his repentance.
~*~
He stared at the envelope in his hand like it held a disease.
“What is it?”
Jiyong rolled his eyes and thrust it forward once more.
“Just take it, Bae.” The shorter man distrustfully reached for the paper and furrowed his brow when he was met with a plane ticket. “I talked to the managers and they put our schedules on hold for a little while so you can go home and see your family.”
“Wha-?”
“You have been working so hard to take care of all of us that you deserve to have someone take care of you for a while.” He smiled and put a friendly hand on his shoulder. “I’m just sorry none of us can do that for you.”
Youngbae actually lit up and hugged him like he had done when they found out they were going to be in a group all those years ago.
“Thank you.” His voice was warm and sincere again and Jiyong smiled back. It was good to see his friend shine again. As he ran off to pack his things, he felt an oddly…fuzzy feeling spread across his chest. Was this what it felt like moving on? He glanced up as Seungri passed him on another of his many visits to the roof.
Three down, one to go…
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Mild swearing, some language not suitable for children. Hell this whole fic isn't suitable for children.
Summary: Seungri tried so hard. So why did it feel that no matter what happened he always ended up in the wrong?
A/N: Again, you all rock so much for your comments! They made this chapter come out despite all the power on my block going out for two days!
Ok, also, this one is going to feel a little different than the others because it‘s geared more to what Jiyong is feeling. Hope you still enjoy the change!
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Epilogue
~*~
~*~
“I tried, Bae! I tried to stay away from him!”
“Sshh.”
“No! You were right! I should have thought about him instead what I wanted.“ He slumped onto the couch and tried hard to keep his legs from jiggling. “It’s just that I waited for so long before I finally got up the courage to touch him.” He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes wishing that the world would go away. “When he responded I thought everything would be ok. But then he cried.”
He looked up and Youngbae’s eyes were so full of pain. He couldn’t look away knowing that he deserved to take it all.
“I made him cry, Bae! I tried to love him and I only broke him more! I swore I would never hurt someone like he hurt me.”
“Ji…”
“I know how much he looks up to me but I just…I just want him so bad sometimes.” His brow creased in a frown and he felt so powerless against his desire.
“I feel so sick. It’s like when he cries, I feel…hot. Like I need to take him any way I can and make him mine.”
“You want to protect him, Ji. That’s what the feeling is.”
“No, you don’t understand. I…I want to hurt him. Make him cling onto me and cry my name.”
“I always knew you were fucked up, but that’s really warped, Jiyong.”
He spun around, panicked to see Seunghyun grimacing in the door way. He held a half empty bottle of beer and Jiyong felt jealous that alcohol still worked for him. His problems were of the more intense variety and only increased when drunkenness was mixed in.
“Hyung! That’s not fair.”
“Fair, Bae? You think it’s fair that Seungri’s been killing himself trying to be perfect for Jiyong?“ The livid jealously on his breath was not lost on either of them. “Do you think it’s fair that he’s practically shrinking away to nothing because no matter what he tries all he gets back is rejection? Tell me about fair, Bae, cause I really wanna know what you think Jiyong deserves!” The wall next to him shook with the force of his fist drilling a hole in it. Youngbae’s eyes widened as he saw a shaky little boy walk though the front door like a zombie.
“Where were you?!” He looked to Youngbae for the rest of his worried!Umma rant, but saw Jiyong’s worried eyes staring him down instead.
Seungri just shrugged and kicked his shoes off at the door. He cheeks were red and his hair was wind blown. Logically Jiyong knew where he had gone, but the panic that he’d felt at seeing his shoes and coat gone in the middle of the night still thrummed though his veins. He felt oddly like a mother scolding her son and wondered if this is what Youngbae must have felt like every time he called someone out.
He took a step closer to the maknae and tried to ignore his half lidded eyes.
“You walked out of here with out saying a word and then didn’t come back for three hours!” His voice rose an octave before he could control it. Damn this boy for making him become some clingy warped nutcase. He worked for years to control the feelings that blackened his heart and made him destroy beautiful things. As he looked in the young boy’s eyes he knew he had failed. All the light they once held had fizzled out and his hands hung limply at his side. Even his voice held no bite.
“What the hell does it matter to you, anyways? You don’t want me, remember?”
His mouth closed with an audible click and he looked helplessly to Youngbae. His eyes were tired, and Jiyong actually felt guilty for pushing his shortcomings onto him once again. But the look was gone before he could process it properly and he moved on. It was all he could do in hopeless situations. Process what he could fix and move all the rest to the back burner.
Youngbae stepped in front of Seungri and quietly addressed him in all seriousness.
“Seungri, you have to tell us when you leave.” He rolled his eyes and started to move towards his room, when the shorter man’s hand gripped his arm steadily. “Please. I’m asking you as a friend.”
His eyes softened a little and nodded, slightly ashamed.
Jiyong breathed a sigh of relief that at least someone was still able to reach him, albeit lightly. Seunghyun scoffed and turned to go back and pout in his room. Did he think he was the only one who had to give up something he loved? Something he needed like oxygen? Jiyong wanted so badly to berate him for being so weak but didn’t have the heart when he saw his slumped shoulders and dragging feet. Just another fucking casualty in the game they all kept playing.
Seungri’s hand swept his as he walked past and Jiyong had the inexplicable urge to grasp on as tightly as he could and never let go. But as he pictured their inevitable failure as a couple he let him pass by untouched. Still, the beginning of his dream had been nice.
He would grab Seungri’s hand and they would stare into each other’s eyes before one or both of them broke. He would grab him and hold him close; promise he would never ever hurt him again. Seungri would smile and snuggle closer and believe every word. They would be happy for three days for three week or three years, but eventually, something would trigger the memories of lying on his back on the cold floor of the practice room with a sweaty man hovering over him and he would break.
Seungri would stop smiling as he took all the happiness he held dear and crushed it under his heel. He would push and mock and try to climb into a cold shell and forget everything that had ruined him. Seungri would be left alone again with more than one scar to add to his rapidly multiplying collection. No one would be there to help them and one or both would give up for good.
He shook his head to rid himself of the traitorous thoughts. Just another mocking notion to add to all the rest. He couldn’t even lead a happy life in his fantasy.
Fucking pathetic.
~*~
“Jiyong, what’s the real reason for all this?” He looked up from his computer in shock to see Daesung standing in his doorway. Daesung never confronted anyone. He stood in the back and let all the drama unfold and hoped it wouldn’t drag him down too. Maybe it was the fact that he was hovering just outside his room with a hand on one hip looking slightly frightening or maybe it was the knowledge that it had gotten so bad that even Daesung had to become a part of it, but Jiyong didn’t pretend to be ignorant.
“It’s complicated, Dae.”
“No it’s not.” He pushed off the doorframe and walked slowly to the bed. He laid back on it gracefully and made himself at home next to Laura. “People always say it’s complicated when they know exactly what’s wrong but don’t want to admit it.” He eyed him carefully, like he was sizing him up for the first time.
“I guess I just thought you were better than that.”
Score one hit for the underappreciated vocalist. Jiyong felt that one distinctly. With resigned carelessness he moved to moved to join him on the bed and fell back with a long sigh. The lay still together until he sniffed and grabbed the singer’s hand in solidarity.
“I’m scared.” He whispered. The way Daesung tightened his hold, he knew it was understood. “I’m fucking terrified that I’m going to make him like me.”
“He should be so lucky.” he chuckled and turned on his side to face him. Daesung crooked his head and grinned back. “Seriously though, Jiyong, give him some credit. He knows what he’s getting into.”
The bed cover felt soft under his fingertips and he wished he could have more moments like this one. Lying with someone he really cared about and just having a conversation. Nothing exciting or dramatic. Just to talk and listen and be there for one another.
“I don’t think anyone knows the messed up things I’m capable of.”
“We all have out screwed up pasts. It’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are.” He smiled again and patted his leg. Jiyong was suddenly filled with an intense curiosity at what had happened to make him smile like he had to or the world would end. It made him sadder than it should have. Daesung stood and made his way to the door.
“You’re lucky. You have someone who has seen your darkness and still wants you. Broken pieces and all.” He smiled like a cracked doll and if he’d had the heart he would have tried his hardest to fix him. His hands gripped the sides of the bed tightly as he watched his friend walk away with a new found pity.
“You should hold on to that.”
~*~
It took him three days to get up the courage to knock on Seunghyun’s door. It took him several minutes to open and Jiyong knew he was hiding his replacements for Seungri.
Beer and vodka.
The room reeked of alcohol but he still gave a half smile and pushed his way in. Seunghyun groaned but shut the door behind him. He could see several empty bottles haphazardly hidden under the bed. It cemented his purpose and he stood like a statue before his hyung.
“You need to stop drinking.”
He laughed. God help him, he actually laughed in his face before shoving past him to his bed. He pulled out a full bottle from under his pillow and smirked before popping the top off and taking a long drink. So, he wanted to play like that, huh? Jiyong marched up to him and slapped the bottle viciously out of his hand.
“When your leader tells you to do something, you better fucking do it.” His tone was cold and it made Seunghyun take notice. His eyes fell and he sunk down onto the bed. All the fight escaped like a gust of wind and he looked so defeated.
“Jiyong, just leave me alone, ok? I can’t do this now.”
“When, then? Are you just going to drink yourself to sleep every night because you can’t have him?” His shame covered the air around them and tried to pull him down with it. He lowered his voice and knelt down in front of Seunghyun.
“You told me that I couldn’t let what happened to me be an excuse. And you were right. It’s hard to be strong and move on.”
Seunghyun kept his eyes glued to the floor and sighed.
“I just wanted to help him. To love him.” His voice was small and so unlike him that it made him clench his teeth in self-anger. He watched as a strong confident friend was brought his knees by a thing much bigger than himself and couldn’t help but find similarities with someone else.
He stood to leave with more pity than he’d begun with.
“I know it hurts right now, but Seungri’s not going to be the one that breaks you. I know it.” He could tell his hyung didn’t believe him with the scoff he threw his way.
“By the way,” he threw over his shoulder “you should talk to Daesung. I think he could really use someone right now.” He missed the way Seunghyun stared after him thoughtfully as he walked out to meet the next step in his repentance.
~*~
He stared at the envelope in his hand like it held a disease.
“What is it?”
Jiyong rolled his eyes and thrust it forward once more.
“Just take it, Bae.” The shorter man distrustfully reached for the paper and furrowed his brow when he was met with a plane ticket. “I talked to the managers and they put our schedules on hold for a little while so you can go home and see your family.”
“Wha-?”
“You have been working so hard to take care of all of us that you deserve to have someone take care of you for a while.” He smiled and put a friendly hand on his shoulder. “I’m just sorry none of us can do that for you.”
Youngbae actually lit up and hugged him like he had done when they found out they were going to be in a group all those years ago.
“Thank you.” His voice was warm and sincere again and Jiyong smiled back. It was good to see his friend shine again. As he ran off to pack his things, he felt an oddly…fuzzy feeling spread across his chest. Was this what it felt like moving on? He glanced up as Seungri passed him on another of his many visits to the roof.
Three down, one to go…