Sawajiri Legacy ;; Generation 2.5
Warnings:
Foul Language
Adult Themes
+ HEIR POLL RESULT!
Past Updates:
1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5
2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4
When we last left the Sawajiri family, Hiroshi was still locked in a room due to his random bout of teenager sickness, Sakura just popped out her little bastard child, and their sane mother, Mallory, unfortunately passed away due to a stray satellite with really bad (or really good, depending on how you look at it) aim. So basically their lives were a clusterfuck, but what else is new?
NATSUKI: LOOK, KIDS! To make up for your mom getting squashed like a pathetic bug under the weight of our tax dollars at work, I got you another kitten! I have named him... Jack Sparrow. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. SWAGGER.
JIRO: Captain, Mom. Captain Jack Sparrow... For Christ's sake, show a little respect.
Meanwhile, as Nat and Jiro debate the merit of Jack Sparrow being an actual captain since he doesn't currently have a ship, Sakura calls Patrick to tell him that his spawn crawled it's way out of her now-cavernous vagina.
AUTOMATED MESSAGE: We're sorry, the number you have dialed is out of service. Please hang up and try your call again.
Talk about fuck and run: Patrick seems to have disappeared off the face of the planet...
SAKURA: My bastard child will never know his father! ...Or know how to pee standing up because the execution of that utterly perplexes me D:
So, in a desperate need to find a father for her child, Sakura decides to call on the town pedophile matchmaker.
SAKURA: HI, I NEED A CLEAN GUY. YOU CAN GIVE ME ONE, YES?
CREEPY GYPSY: AYE, GIRL... LET ME CONSULT MY CHILD PORNO SPHERE... ER, I MEAN MY CRYSTAL BALL...
And out of the sky falls... an Asian!
JIHOON: Ow, I think I bruised my brain... which, incidently, is not a good thing for an Asian to bruise. If I'm not smart, I'm left with nothing.
Though their date lasts through the night and into the morning, it doesn't go so well..
JIHOON: YOU'RE THAT GIRL THEY'RE SAYING AT SCHOOL IS A WHORE, RIGHT? OMG.
SAKURA: I'm not a whore!
SAKURA: Look, it was immaculate conception I swear! I'm like the virgin Mary!
JIHOON: LA LA LA NOT LISTENING TO YOU, WHORE. MY UPTIGHT ASIAN MOTHER WOULD NOT APPROVE OF YOUR DEVIOUS WAYS... AND NEITHER WOULD JESUS.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Christ.
With Nat's insane pay check, they decided to build a third floor. This house is getting ridiculously large, my god.
Meanwhile, the dog tries to eat the cat. OM NOM NOM.
Jiro has a bad habit of sneaking out at night. Also, wtf kind of teenager brings a STRETCH LIMO to pick up thier friend in? I mean, honestly; as far as stealth goes, I think they missed the mark by a bit.
Anyway, Sakura, afraid of dying alone, decides to go to the bowling alley in hopes of meeting her dream man.
ANDRZEJ: If you don't mind me saying so, your curls are GORGEOUS.
SAKURA: Tehehe omg and you smell nice too. What kind of shower gel do you use when you bathe... regularly, I assume? *hopeful eyes*
ANDRZEJ: Yes, regularly and THANK YOU :D & I use Axe because I found those commercials very convincing and highly probable.
SAKURA: Axe? Omg that's why! LET ME TOUCH YOU.
Now let us pause for a second to observe this dude who thinks he's God's gift to everything.
NARCISSISTIC OLD DUDE: WHO'S A HANDSOME BOY...?! YOU ARE, YOU ARE! YESSSSS.
SAKURA: Anyway, do you wanna go on a date with me?
ANDRZEJ: Fuck yeah, if not for anything else than just for your hair!
ANDRZEJ: KING OF BOWLING BITCHES, CHECK OUT MY STANKY LEG.
During said date, they witnessed Sakura's Aunt Sloveig take on a vampire...
...And win. She probably thought it was the same vampire her husband cheated on her with. Unfortunately, no one seemed to tell her that the vampire Riku was a whore for sparkled in the sun.
So, frustrated by his utter lack of manlyhood, the vampire decides to harrass them instead.
VAMPIRE WHO IS *NOT* EDWARD CULLEN: I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOODDDDD.....
ANDRZEJ: Uh, no bitch. If anyone's sucking anyone's anything... it's going to be her lips around my cock, thanks.
SAKURA: OH, YOUR SO SWEET! *makes out all over*
Clearly her standards are not high.
Okay, let's now all take a moment to appreciate the awesome that is this child's hair. I mean, for shit's sake, why can't MINE be that color? I would rock that color. FYEAH.
Anywho, Adulthood!
SAKURA: Damnit, I still dont have breasts...
Hiroshi, now an adult, finds he has to be checked out by a doctor to see if his teenage disease went away or if it carried onto adulthood, therefore dooming him to endless imprisonment.
HIROSHI: Oh please, please say it's gone, Doc. THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN! I'm gonna die in here and the cockroaches will feast on my rotting flesh if I have to stand one more second around all this WHITE SHIT. I swear to God! Test me, I DARE YOU.
ZE DOCTOR: Okay well... I'd say you're more or less better, but I think you're forever going to be fucked in the head for this one, son. Nice parents you got there. FO' REAL.
HIROSHI: OMG I'M FREE! SWEET MERCY OF JESUS CHRIST THE SUPERSTAR - COLORED WALLPAPER!
SAKURA: HIRO, you're back! Hey, btw, you have a nephew now. Just thought you should know. SO ANYWAY...
HIROSHI: You have a SON?! How could you not tell me? Wtf kind of backwards world did I wind up in?!
SAKURA: Hey don't yell at me! You were locked in a room for YEARS without a door! What did you want me to do, fly a carrier pigeon in through your window!?
HIROSHI: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE, YES.
NATSUKI: Oh b.t.dub, your other mom died. WELCOME BACK THOUGH? <3
HIROSHI: NOOO CRUEL WORLD
HIROSHI: I gotta get out of here; I can't deal with all this fuckery!
So Hiroshi heads out on the town to get some breathing space. To his delight he runs into Freya, the girl from the asylum, at the Future Members of Gamblers Anonymous lot.
HIROSHI: So... just wondering, but do you always have to wear that hospital gown? Or do you actually own regular clothes.
FREYA: BUTTERFLIES!?
HIROSHI: You know what? I can work with that; whatever that means. Date?
It goes well ^_^
HIROSHI: Sorry my girlfriend is trying to steal your cat, ma'am; but she has a thing for pussy... apparently. I'm not quite sure where that leaves me.
FREYA: FUZZY PUSSY GLOWS PRETTY. JEALOUS.
Okay wtf Sakura has these men wrapped around her pinky. Why don't the girls I date bring me shit like this?
OR THIS.
Actually I've been engaged once, but whatever.
ANDRZEJ: I vow to love and protect your beautiful black curls, in sickness and in health, in frizzy weather and in winter...
JIRO: Yo mom, I decided I want to live with Sakura when her and the hair fetish dude move out, because it's only a matter of time until your craziness starts fucking with me. AGREE?
NATSUKI: Honestly I don't care; I'm too old and I ran out of a fucks to give a long time ago. But good luck convincing her. BAHAHA.
SAKURA: You are not moving in, Jiro! I cant have sex with my husband all over the house if you're there. FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
JIRO: Dude you can't anyway cause of your kid.
SAKURA: Oh well, I guess you have a point. BUT STILL.
And so the happy family moved into a lovely little townhome down the street.
However...
SAKURA: JIRO, JUST BECAUSE I SAID YOU HAD A POINT DIDN'T MEAN YOU COULD STOW AWAY IN OUR LUGGAGE.
JIRO: Tehehe... too late.
Which means...
Hiroshi is our heir ^_^
NEXT TIME...
Hiroshi's two life goals are to sleep with 20 women and become a warlock (apparently)... will he achieve them? And what will his girlfriend, Freya, think of his pimp daddy ways?