An Unbearable Fact 14a/??

[darkwonderland3]

Title: An Unbearable Fact
Chapters: 14a/??
Author:
darkwonderland3
Genre: AU/Romance/ Psychological/Angst
Warnings: Language, sexual scenes, mental diseases, violence, character death, suicide attempts, rape.
Rating: NC17
Pairings/Characters: Uruha/Aoi, Reita/Kai
Synopsis: When you lose the only person who loves you from the deepest of her heart, can you go on living? Do you manage to smile again? Can you fight against those demons who break you?
Posted on AO3: here

Previous chapters: Prologue, 1/??, 2/??, 3/??, 4/??, 5/??, 6/??, 7/??, 8/??, 9/??, 10a/??, 10b/??, 11/??, 12/??, 13/??


Everything was black when he opened his eyes. Darkness was holding him in its embrace, suffocating him and making him remember things he wished he could forget. Darkness was his nightmare, trapping him in his own fears whether he was asleep or not, playing with him, making him go insane and sometimes - when the boy couldn’t bear it anymore - tearing a scream or two from his mouth. It took Yuu a few more minutes for his eyes to get used to the obscurity and noticed the alarm clock on the night stand showing 09:47pm. This alarm clock wasn’t his, he didn’t have one at home, he barely had things back there. He wasn’t at home, right? The scent around him was unfamiliar, the softness of the pillows on which is head was resting wasn’t the one he was used to, the covers were smelling clean and keeping him warm. This wasn’t his room, and Yuu soon started to feel panic overwhelm his body. Where was he? What was going to happen now? A muffled cry of pain escaped his lips when he tried to move his feet under the covers. His whole body was aching as if someone had broken each of his bones. The pain was unbearable, but it made him remember what had happened today.

Yuu remembered how he’d spent the day celebrating his 19th birthday. He remembered his father's touches, his breath against his neck, the words he’d told him, how much his body was aching with each of his thrusts and how his wounds couldn't heal with the daily abuse even though his father was taking care of them in his own way. He remembered the nausea when his dad soiled him and then the shame when he came as well, faking a pleasure he would never feel only to please the man. Yuu remembered his own sad smile and his words full of regrets when his father told him he wouldn’t be back before the next day, that he was going to miss him and in the meantime that he was going to be patient and a good boy, his father wouldn't be mad at him and they would spend a good time once he’d come back.

Yuu almost threw up when the memories of what he did next came to his mind. He was disgusted by himself, but what he had done and said in this house were the only ways to stay alive. Obeying his father and being the whore the man wanted him to be were his only solutions. He was faking everything, but deep down he knew he was still being raped each time his father was touching him. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t normal, his father wasn’t behaving like a father should with his child despite all the things he was telling him. Yuu knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t ignore the insults and believe them, believe his father's words every time he was angry and hitting his son.

But his father had made a mistake today. Usually, he would tie Yuu’s wrists and ankles together after he’d abused him, making sure the young man wouldn't be able to move without his permission, but on that day his father didn’t do it and just locked the door of his room. He didn’t care if his son had to use the bathroom, seeing him pleading him or ashamed because he’d wet himself was one of his pastimes and Yuu could see in his eyes each time it happened the satisfaction of seeing his son in such a state. His father loved playing with him like that, making him beg for everything and scream at any occasion. His father hadn’t tied him, it had been Yuu’s chance.

The moon had begun to rise when he had decided to move. He’d dressed himself with the few clothes he could find in the room, ignoring the aching pain in his lower limbs and his trembling legs, ignoring his fear which was whispering that his father could come back at any moment even though he’d told him he wouldn’t before the next day. If his father had decided to come home earlier than planned and saw his son wasn’t on his mattress waiting for him, he would make him see Hell once again. Yuu thought about a way out and since the door was locked, his only exit was through the window. Yuu was determined, he couldn’t stay in this house any longer.

The fall had been painful, but it didn’t prevent the young man from starting to walk. He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he had to walk. Walk and never stop, walk until his feet would bleed, walk without looking behind him. He was maybe outside now, but he wasn’t truly free. Who knows, maybe he was just dreaming, maybe he was going to wake up in a few minutes and notice he was still on his mattress. It were his thoughts while walking and Yuu deeply hoped it wasn’t the case. He had done everything for that day, he couldn’t fail now. Yuu walked during hours, he walked until he passed out in the middle of the road.

Yuu tried to sit up straight tearing other painful moans from his mouth. The room was now bathed in the moon light giving the young man a better sight of his surroundings. The bed in which he’d been sleeping was in front of a dressing room only composed by - from what he could see - man’s clothes. The night stand was on his left, as well as a desk on which unknown books and pieces of paper were messily laid, exciting his curiosity but Yuu didn’t move, too scared someone would come here if he’d made a single noise. He was in a stranger’s house and he didn’t know why they were keeping him with them. Should he scream? Run away? See what was behind this closed door?

Yuu didn’t move. He didn’t move even when the door opened as the alarm clock was showing 10:15pm, letting the owner of the place in. He couldn’t clearly see his face since the man was against the light and this started to make Yuu feel scared. He was in an unknown house with a stranger and who knows what he could do to him. He hadn’t escaped his Hell to be trapped in another one. Yuu moved back until he could feel the wall against his back as the man took a few steps towards him, his body shivering with fear.

“You’re finally awake,” The voice sounded familiar to Yuu’s ears and he could bet the man had seen the surprise on his face when he sat on the edge of the bed and smiled to him. “You don’t recognize me, do you?”

Yuu shook his head. Something in him was telling him he knew this man from somewhere, a place buried deep in his memories. Playing nervously with the covers, Yuu dared to look at the man in front of him. The moon was lightening his face more now, and Yuu couldn’t believe it. He knew who was that man, but that couldn’t be true. What had been the chances that he would end up in someone from his past’s house? What had been the chances that he was one of the people he wanted to see again the most? What had been the chances that that day would happen? Yuu couldn’t believe it, he was dreaming, right? How many nights did he dream about that day? How many wishes did he make for someone to save him? How many sleepless night did he spend just thinking about the friends he left at the institution?

“You’re not real, you’re not real,” Yuu repeated with a nervous laugh, shaking his head once again. “I’m dreaming, you’re not real...”

“Yuu calm down it’s me, don’t be afraid.”

“You’re not real...”

“Yuu,” Akira tried to take his hands covering his ears with his own, but the panic he saw in the younger man’s eyes when he reached his face made him back down.

“Don’t touch me!” He was on the verge of crying because of the fear, but most of all because of the pain each movement was causing to his body. “You can’t be...”

“Look at me,” Akira told him watching Yuu still shaking his head and whispering ‘no’ again and again. He had to be careful, he couldn't scare him more than he already was. It wasn’t his intention at all, that was the last thing Akira wished for, but he never had to take care of Yuu when he was panicking, not even back there two years ago. Kouyou had been, but Kouyou wasn’t here with them now. “Yuu, you don’t have to be scared of me. You’re safe here and luckily you’re awake. I was wondering when you would, I was so worried!”

“Nobody’s worrying about me…”

“Believe me I was,” Akira was patient with Yuu, waiting during long minutes in silence until the shivers of his body would calm down. He took advantages of these minutes to look at him as he’s been to anxious to do it earlier. It seemed to him that Yuu was thinner, much thinner than the last time he saw him, his hair were longer and they still had to have that pitch-black colour. What made Akira uncomfortable again were the bruises he had on his face, at the corner of his mouth, under his left eye, on his throat, and those weren’t the only ones from what he’d already seen. Akira couldn’t let him like that, he couldn’t let him be in so much pain. “Can I… Would you let me take a look at your feet?” He added when Yuu finally wiped his tears and heard him mumbled something.

“Why?”

“You hurt them. I brought things to treat them and I need to change the bandages,” He told him showing the disinfectant spray and the strip of gauze laid on the bed. “Can I? I won’t hurt you.”

Yuu hesitated before uncovering his legs and it was at this moment he noticed something was wrong.

“Where are my clothes?!” He asked panicked, wondering what could have Akira done while he was unconscious. He wasn’t dressed in his usual clothes, those he was wearing when he escaped. He was dressed in a light tracksuit too big for him, and a t-shirt the same colour as the tracksuit, too big as well. Yuu looked at Akira trying to find some answers in his eyes, too scared to voice his questions.

“I put them in the washing machine, you couldn’t keep them on you. They were soaked and… You couldn't keep them.” Akira thought it was not necessary to tell him his thoughts on the kind of clothes the young man was wearing when he brought him here, he would keep his opinion for himself. Yuu didn’t need that now.

Yuu waited a few moments before stretching his legs, telling Akira in this way that he could take care of his injuries. He watched him remove the bandage from his left foot and his eyes opened wide when he saw the bruises on it and relying on the pain, the injury on the sole had to be worse. And it was, blood had stained the white gauze. Yuu remembered he had walked on pieces of glass when he stood up after his fall, pieces he had removed from his feet. Walking with wounds had been painful, but it was nothing compared to what he’d been through since the day he left the hospital. He had to bear a pain worse than what he was feeling now as Akira was treating his wounds.

Akira showed kindness in his movements, he didn’t want to frighten him nor be brusque. He had to be careful with what he was doing, he couldn’t hurt the young man, he couldn't scare him, he would never be able to forgive himself. They’d spent enough time together to know where the line in their relationship was. And Akira remembered what had happened two years ago in the hospital, he remembered the tears Yuu had shed, he remembered the panic in his eyes, he remembered the nightmares in the middle of the night, he remembered Kouyou calming him down, whispering soothing words ignoring Yuu’s screams had awaken him. Akira remembered his father’s numerous visits and everything that followed. He couldn't do that to him, to a friend.

“And it’s done,” Akira told him throwing the stained bandages in the bin beside the desk. “You’re not bleeding anymore, it’s a good sign, but to be sure it’d be preferable for you to walk as little as possible.”

“Thank you,” Yuu whispered then brought his legs to his chest and hid his face in them. He wondered why did Akira bring him back to his home instead of taking him to the hospital like anyone else would do. He wanted to ask him, wanted to tell him he was glad he didn’t do it, but the words got stuck in his throat giving him a sense of déjà vu.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Akira smiled to him, but in the semi-darkness of the room, Yuu didn’t see it. He didn’t see the friendly smile he gave him. “I couldn’t let you on that road and drive as if nothing happened.”

“Are we… Are we far from the veterinary clinic?”

“It depends about which one you’re talking. The nearest from here is about ten minutes. Why?”

“For nothing...” But there was something. Yuu remembered the house was near one of them, he was just hoping he was far enough from his father. Otherwise it would mean his father might find him and that was the last thing Yuu wanted. He couldn't go back there, he would die for sure.

“Are you all right?” Akira asked when he saw him fidgeting uncomfortably on the bed and looking at the room with fear in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Yuu didn’t answer and instead, without Akira expecting it, suddenly jumped out of bed and tried to reach the door. However, he couldn't take a few steps because of his injured feet and the pain made him fall to the ground with a cry of pain. A scream escaped his lips when the young man felt hands on his body, under his arms trying to lift him and take him back on the bed. His voice was full of terror as he was struggling to get away from those hands, screaming that he had to leave, that he was going to find him. He had to leave for his own safety, he hadn’t done all of those disgusting things only to get caught again between his claws. Yuu had to leave even if right now he was with a friend who could assure he was safe under his roof. Akira had always been gentle with him, from what he could remember, but it was impossible for him to stay. Yuu knew that one day or another, if he stayed here too close to where he used to live for two years, his father would show up and that would be the end for him.

It hadn’t been difficult for Akira to hold him down so that Yuu wouldn’t hurt himself more, and waited for his tears to cease. He didn’t understand what had just happened, he didn’t understand Yuu’s reaction and fears. Akira knew his father had done terrible things to him, they all knew, but Yuu was with him now and nothing could happen to him. Akira remembered how scared Yuu was during his first days at the hospital and how difficult it had been for them to gain his trust, he remembered the changes in the boy as days were passing by, he remembered how everything had collapsed after his father came there the first time. And now, it was happening again. In front of him, he was the same boy from two years ago, scared and trusting no one, and he didn’t know if he would be able to handle the situation this time. Yuu had trusted him because they were both suffering from anorexia, but now? Akira could see Yuu’s condition had worsened, no need to have a high IQ to notice it. He was so thin Akira wondered how it was possible for him to still stand on his feet. Yuu needed help, once more.

When Yuu stopped struggling between his arms, Akira lied him down on the bed again and stayed beside him whispering soothing words hoping it would work. He felt useless, because he remembered there was only one person who had been able to calm him down back there and that person wasn’t here. Should he tell him Yuu was with him? And what if he did, would Kouyou come here right away? The other man had never given up hope of seeing him again one day, he had told Akira that he would find him again no matter what it would take. But it was maybe too soon, maybe Yuu wasn’t ready or didn’t want to see his former roommates. Akira couldn’t make a decision for him.

“Yuu, maybe it would be better if I drove you to a hospital tomorrow,” Akira started as Yuu had turned his back to him, now facing the wall. “You would be in better hands.”

“No!” Yuu shouted. He couldn't go there, he would know. “I don’t need doctors, I don’t want to go back there!”

“Yuu I just want to help you, I don’t mean any harm.”

“Don’t do this… please… Don’t send me back there!”

“I’ll let you rest,” Akira added after some seconds of silence during which he’d felt guilty. “Call me if you need anything, don’t hesitate.”

He left the room without hearing Yuu had started to cry again against the pillow. How could Yuu make him understand without telling him the truth? He was too ashamed of it, Akira and everyone else would look at him differently, be disgusted by him. Yuu couldn't tell him why he wanted to leave.

* * *

He had waited for hours before trying again.

His steps had been uncertain, shaky and painful, and now he was standing in front of the door hesitating to turn the handle and open it. Akira was on the other side and he knew the man would tell him to go back on the bed and try to rest, but Yuu also knew he had planned to take him to a hospital the next morning. He couldn’t let him do, and it’s with a determined look on his face that Yuu opened the door.

Every lights in the living-room were turned off, but the moon was shining its silvery colour as Akira had forgotten to pull down the shutters. Yuu quietly left his bedroom when he noticed the other man sleeping on the couch, an arm under a pillow and the other touching the floor with fingertips. He was sleeping soundly, mumbling sometimes incomprehensible words making Yuu smile a little, and luckily for the young man he hadn’t heard him open the door. Yuu felt a hint of guilt growing in him as he watched him sleep, thinking about what had happened earlier. Akira only wanted to help him and his body had acted as if he’d wanted to hurt him. It wasn’t Yuu’s fault, nor Akira’s if he was conditioned to behave like that. He had never asked to flinch every time someone was trying to be nice with him, he had never asked to feel scared whenever someone was close to him, and most of all he had never asked to doubt the only ones he should trust the most. And if he was telling him that he was safe here, it had to be true.

Yuu took a few more steps reaching the window with some difficulties, then slid to the ground and watched the moon. He had missed watching it, missed to see how bright it was and how its light was calming him. He hadn't been able to catch a single glimpse of it in two years. He missed watching it, and he missed doing it with his mother. He had been thinking a lot about her during these two years, asking her questions she would never answer, wondering if she could see him and what she could feel. Maybe she was sad to see what her son was going through, upset too. She couldn’t protect him like she did when he was younger, and Yuu couldn’t feel her arms around him, embracing his frail body. He had imagined a life in which she was still alive, in which there were only the two of them. No father and husband who would beat and rape them, no shouts, no tears, no nightmares. Only smiles and love from his mother. But his friends weren’t in his imaginary life, Kouyou wasn’t by his side.

He had thought about him a lot too, thought about what he could be doing when he was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. Maybe he had forgotten him, maybe Yuu had just been a fling and Kouyou had now moved on. Even if they were close, even if Kouyou had whispered in his ears late at night promises of staying with him and protecting him, Yuu knew they’re were all lies. Kouyou hadn’t been able to protect him, Kouyou hadn’t been able to prevent his father from taking him back home. And no one had been there to calm him down after a nightmare, no one had been there to soothe his fears once his father was done with him. Yuu had been all alone during these two years.

His memories of how his former roommates looked like were blurry, he hadn’t even been able to recognize Akira right away earlier. What were they looking like now? Were they feeling all right? Were they all outside? Were they still in touch with each other? Deep down, Yuu hoped they were. He hoped they all had buried their demons and were living normal lives now. Yuu hoped Takanori was a smiling teenager today, freed from his depression and suicidal thoughts, and was having the life Yuu didn’t have at his age. Yuu never knew the reason of his depression, but he really wished the younger teenager was feeling better now. The young man remembered the day he had found him in the bathroom lying in his own blood. He had been so scared for the boy that day, scared he wouldn’t survive, scared Yuu would have had to live with his death. Luckily Takanori had survived, and Yuu had never seen him at his worst again.

He had missed them so much, every single one of them, but Yuu was scared. He was scared to see them again, scared to hear them comment on his body. Yuu was aware he wasn’t physically the same boy as before, he was aware the bruises on his body and especially on his face were ugly, he was aware he would disgust them. His father had told him that lots of times, daily. He would never be beautiful again, he would disgust everybody and especially Kouyou. Yuu was his and his only, he was his father’s bitch and no one would want to touch him again after everything he had done to him.

The young man was shedding silent tears as the memories of the last days were coming back to his mind little by little. His father’s voice was reminding him who he truly was, what he had to do throughout each day only for his own sexual pleasure, reduced to only being a toy to his father. Yuu knew he had destroyed his identity, his mind and his body, Yuu knew it would be difficult to start afresh and he was really doubting he would ever manage to fix what he had broken.

Noises on his left made him miss a heartbeat and for a few seconds he thought he had woken Akira up, but seeing that the other man hadn’t moved at all, Yuu caught his breath back as he hadn’t noticed he had stopped breathing. Nothing was there in the dark, nothing was moving near him, he had just imagined the noises, too used to hearing strange things at home when he was with his father. Except that this time, the noises were real and near him. Yuu recognized them to be the sound of a little bell and hidden under the table, he saw it. Lying on a chair, Nezumi was looking at him with curious eyes before coming out of its hiding when Yuu stretched out his arm. He watched the kitten coming closer to his hand, smelling it and tickling his fingers with its whiskers, until he saw it lie on his thighs. Yuu’s lips stretched into a smile when he heard the kitten purr and play with his fingers, trying to bite them. It was warm and soft and petting the white and grey kitten was calming the young man.

He never had a pet when he was younger. He had dared to ask for puppy for Christmas when he was six years old, but the only thing he got on that day was a visit to his mother admitted to the hospital due to a fall down the stairs. His father had told him it was his fault, that he had left his toys laying around and his mother, who was busy with carrying a laundry basket full to the brim, hadn’t seen his car toys and had tripped over one of them. Yuu had never believed him. He had been playing on that Christmas afternoon with his car toys, yes, but in his bedroom and none of them were in the corridor near the stairs. He hadn’t believed him because Yuu remembered he had heard an argument between his parents just before his mother's fall. Yuu hadn’t been the one who’d sent his mother to the hospital, he would have never done this to her.

“You’re cute,” Yuu whispered as the kitten was snuggling against his belly and slowly falling asleep. “And so little. Akira’s lucky to have you.”

Yuu didn’t fall asleep that night, he stayed on the floor against the window with the kitten on his lap, petting its fur and watching the moon. The young man was tired though, but he couldn’t fall asleep, he was too used to staying awake for hours at night, waiting for something or somebody who would never come, waiting for his father to come inside his bedroom and once he would see his son was still awake, he would play with him for hours. Yuu was staying awake to prevent the nightmares and memories from torturing him, he was staying awake so that he could hear the slightest sound in the house and know when he had to fear for himself or not. The red eyes and dark circles were parts of him now, as well as the bruises.

Everything in the apartment was silent for a few more hours until Yuu heard noises from the couch as Akira was slowly waking up. Yuu didn’t move when he got up from the couch and stretched his body making his back crack, then headed to his bedroom trying to be as quiet as possible when he opened the door as if he didn’t want to wake the young man up. From where he was sitting, Yuu saw his body tense when he noticed he wasn’t in the room anymore and how fast Akira reacted when his first intuition was to look in the other rooms. Yuu didn’t move when he came back in the living-room, not pleased at all and anxious, with his hands in his hair which were almost pulling them. A part of himself couldn’t help thinking that Akira feeling angry because he wasn’t in the bedroom anymore could end up angrier at him, even maybe hit him. Another part of himself was telling him that it wouldn’t happen, Akira was a friend and he would never hurt him no matter what.

“I’m here,” Yuu said as Akira still hadn’t noticed him.

"You scared me," Akira started, a hand on his heart, then sat down in front of him. "I thought you were gone."

"Where would I go with my feet?"

"Well from what I told you yesterday I thought... you may want to be as far as possible from here."

"I'm sorry..."

"Hey, it's not a reproach," Akira smiled, but Yuu had already lowered his head focusing on the sleeping kitten. "I see you met the little demon."

Hearing its master's voice the kitten opened its eyes and jumped from Yuu's lap before walking to Akira, purring as he was running his fingers in its fur. Akira talked to the kitten for a little while, asking if he had woken Yuu up, if he's been nice with him while daddy was still sleeping, before paying attention back to Yuu who was looking outside. The sun was slowly rising and Akira could now have a better view of the young man. He looked so tired, so different, so dead Akira felt he had to do something, he couldn't stay there impassive.

"What is your cat's name?" Yuu asked as his eyes hadn't left the thin layer of snow covering the balcony and reflecting the few sun rays of the morning, his eyelids feeling heavy.

"Nezumi, and he never lets me sleep in the morning," Akira answered with a smile before noticing Yuu was dozing off. "When was the last time you had a good night of sleep?"

"I don't remember. I'm not tired..."

"Yuu, you need to sleep. Let me put you to bed,” Akira said while standing up.

“No! I’m not tired… It’s not time...”

“Yuu you can sleep in my bed, I don’t mind at all.”

“It’s not time,” Yuu repeated putting his hands on his ears trying to ignore what Akira was saying. It was not time to sleep, at this hour Yuu was used to doing something else, something that wasn’t involving sleeping. “You won’t let me sleep… It’s not time.”

“What are you saying?” Akira asked coming closer to the young man. “Of course I’ll let you sleep, you need it Yuu. Do you think I would harm you?”

“It’s not time...”

“Come with me.”

Putting his hands under Yuu’s arms and legs Akira lifted the young man from the ground who hadn’t stopped repeating that it wasn’t time, surprised he wasn’t struggling this time but instead hid his face in the crook of his neck and started to cry as Akira could feel his body shiver in his arms. Yuu was scared once again, Akira could tell it, but scared of what? Him? Possible nightmares? Being alone with another man? There were a lot of possibilities and each one of them could be the right one.

As Akira was walking to the bedroom, Yuu hadn’t stopped shedding tears on his shoulder. He was ashamed, ashamed of his body and his reactions, ashamed because Akira might be thinking how disgusting his body was. Yuu knew he could feel each of his bones with his hands more than usually, his ribs, his kneecap and his hip bone. Yuu knew his spine as well as most of his other bones were prominent now. He was ugly and no one would love him like that, no one would want him with this body, no one would want him if they knew who he truly was. This was one of the truths he had been hearing every day, aloud or even in his head like a broken record, truths which were destroying him little by little. He wasn’t the boy they got to know at the hospital anymore, he was someone else now, someone worse, someone they couldn't help, someone they couldn't love.

Carefully, Akira made him sit on the bed and put his arms around the young man’s waist who hadn’t let go of his sweater, his fingers still clinging to his shoulders. He rocked him during long minutes, whispering soothing words in an attempt to calm him down, and ran his fingers through his jet black hair wondering if it was or not because of the tiredness that he was crying, wondering what his words meant when he was repeating that it wasn’t time. Akira thought Yuu had to have endured other things than just rapes to be scared like that, it couldn’t be only that. Something worse had to happen to him, but what? Akira couldn’t think of something plausible, he had some assumptions by seeing his body, but they couldn't be true. Father or not, he couldn’t have done what Akira had in mind at that very moment. But at the same time, it would explain a lot of Yuu’s reactions. For now, the only thing he could do was to be patient and take care of his friend. He needed to be reassured, needed to hear he was safe with him and that nothing bad would ever happen to him again.

The morning fog had disappeared when Akira left the bedroom and a sleeping Yuu tucked up in the bed.

~~~~~~
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