Belonging: Chapter Twenty Eight
Author's Note: Most of this final chapter has been written for months, it was just waiting for the first 27 chapters to meet up with it! I'm relieved to have completed such a marathon in writing a novel-length work of fiction, but sad that it's all come to an end. I have to admit to shedding a few tears while adding the finishing touches to this chapter. :)
Thanks to you all, new readers and 'regulars', for coming along for the ride, and for your comments, input, encouragement and support.
I've made a heck of a lot of new friends through writing this series, and for that I'm proud and delighted.
Ruthy x
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Eight (Final Chapter)
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto/Ten
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 (series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End, The Next Doctor
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: slash | three-way polyamory | angst
Final total word count: 106,400
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"It's ironic, I suppose, that it's because of an alien that I have learnt what is important about being human.
Chapter Twenty Eight
It was cold, down in the holding cells. Ianto stood by the heavy steel doorway with his hands in his trouser pockets, his face set.
I was watching the Doctor from the safe side of the clear Perspex, my expression and limbs tensed with more than a touch of anxiety. I had wanted to carry out the usual safety procedures by flooding Mildred's cell with tranquillising gas before he went in there, but the Doctor had insisted it wasn't necessarily.
The Time Lord was in the cell with her now, his fingers pressed to the creature's thick, leathery forehead, his eyes closed in concentration.
I swallowed nervously, anxious that the Weevil might attack the Doctor at any moment, but she didn't. She actually had a rather stupefied, content expression on her face, if a Weevil could look contented. All I could get from her by way of a telepathic signal was a sleepy, droning hum.
In the cell next to her, Janet watched me through the Perspex, whimpering softly. All I could sense from him was the repeated word "good", whatever he meant by that. I think he knew what we were doing, and approved.
The Doctor said that as far as he could make out, Janet and the other Weevils we kept out of harm's way were happy enough to stay at the Hub, to feel sheltered, and be fed and watered like house guests. I'd never really considered that a Weevil could become tame, or even lazy, but maybe they're closer to being human than we'd thought.
Millie, on the other hand, was as scared, confused and miserable as she had been since we first brought her to the Hub. We'd picked her up because she'd been seen attacking a human, but she'd been scared and felt threatened at the time. The Doctor said he could enter her mind and fix her; make her forget the trauma of the last few months, take away her aggression.
He'd fix her, send her to sleep, and then we could safely take her back home to the sewers, back to her own kind where she belonged.
Maybe her missing child had returned to the rest of the pack while she had been away. I hoped so.
Half an hour later, in the dim light of the almost-dawn, if anybody had been on Roald Dahl Plass that early in the morning, they would have seen a handsome young man in a warm woollen coat, pushing a wheelchair towards Cardiff Bay. The occupant of the chair was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood pulled right down over their face. The invalid appeared to be asleep, their head lolling over the tartan picnic blanket tucked snugly under his or her chin.
The young man pushing the wheelchair was flanked on either side by two tall men, both wearing long coats that flapped in the early morning breeze.
The expressions on the faces of all three men were ambivalent. Nobody would have been able to decide whether their faces were creased with relief and compassion, or resigned grief.
***
Ianto and I persuaded the Doctor to stay one more night, so that we could say our goodbyes properly. That evening, I left Ianto to spend his time with the Doctor alone, while I tidied up loose ends upstairs.
I didn't know what I was going to tell the others about where Millie the Weevil had gone. I would make up something, and they'd believe me. Sometimes I scare myself when I consider how easily the lies flow from my lips, and how readily I can make people swallow what I tell them.
Lately, I seem to have been more honest with others, and with myself, than I've ever been. That's proved to be quite liberating, in a way.
But it's handy, being a good liar. And everybody needs to keep some secrets. Maybe I shouldn't let myself get too out of practice.
As for the slight suntans and the relaxed, contented moods Ianto and I seem to have acquired overnight, I'll tell the team that I treated us both to a night at a fancy hotel, complete with pampering treatments and a stint in the tanning booth. They can already see how much better Ianto and I have been getting along lately. Can't hurt to convince them what a considerate and generous boyfriend I am.
***
Much later that evening, the loose ends tied and the paperwork filed, I spent my time alone with the Doctor. We made love; slowly and leisurely, and as tenderly and as desperately as we ever had. Afterwards, I cradled him, clutching him to me and entwining my limbs with his, holding on to him as though it was for the last time.
For all I know, it could have been.
No. Can't think that. Can't ever begin to think that this is the end of us. No matter what happens.
We lay together in what I had begun to think of as 'our' bed in the TARDIS, kissing and stroking each other and just... being together. It was all I'd ever wanted, and for those final hours together, it was all we had, and all I needed.
"You think you're ready now?" I asked him softly. "Ready to get back out there, out in the stars, alone? With the danger, and the adventures, and everything else that goes with it?"
The Doctor nodded against my chest, his hair tickling my skin.
"That time we had, the three of us, in the TARDIS... it was my way of breaking myself in gently, I think. It was brilliant, wasn't it?"
I grinned. Yeah. It was.
"I just needed to be out there, travelling again," he said softly, his fingers trailing over my stomach. "Seeing new things, meeting new people, marvelling at all those wonders the universe has to offer. And I wanted you both to share it too, for a little while. I wanted to remember what it's like to just... enjoy life. To have fun. To be carefree, without everything going wrong, without the world falling down around my ears, waiting for me to put it back together again"
"And now it's... back to the old life?" I frowned. Somehow, now, the thought of him being in danger bothered me more now than it ever had.
"People might need me, I suppose. And I can never refuse to help them. I'll go out there and wait to see what happens. I think I rather miss it."
I stroked softly at his exposed shoulder, running my fingers over the bruise I had purposely made there with my mouth and teeth, marking him as mine. It was already fading to yellow around the edges. I knew that by the morning it would be completely gone.
"I was tempted," I said suddenly. "Just for a moment. When I heard that damn timer alarm going off. When I realised that our time was up. I didn't want it to end. I was so tempted to just say 'screw it'. We could have run away. You, me and Ianto. The three of us could have run away, and left everything behind, forever."
"You would never have done that," he said softly. "You're needed here. And I'm so proud of you."
I couldn't help but hold him a little tighter. "You'll find someone, soon," I said. "If not River yet, then... someone. You need somebody to share it all with. Someone to help you. Somebody to stop you."
The Doctor shook his head. "No. I'll be going it alone, Jack. I can't do that anymore. I can't drag people into my mad life and put them in danger on my behalf. It's not fair."
"But you hate being alone." I bent my head and buried my nose and mouth in his hair. Inhaled and memorised the scent.
"I'll be fine. And I won't be lonely any more. You and Ianto... you're with me now, in my head and my hearts. And I'm in here too, remember?" He shifted slightly and pressed the flat of his hand to my chest, over my heart. He stared at his hand, as though concentrating on feeling my heartbeat against his palm.
Then he shook his head again. "I pick people up, make them trust me and then I just end up hurting them. About time I stopped."
I closed my eyes. "Don't let's go over that again..."
The Doctor smiled. "No, it's okay. I'm not going to go all doolally on you again, don't worry. I just can't deal with it anymore. I take people into my hearts, and they end up breaking them. At least this way, I know that you and Ianto are always here when I need you. And I'll always know that you're safe."
I snorted softly. "Working for Torchwood isn't exactly a sedate, boring office job, Doctor."
"Oh… Jackity-Jack. You'll take care of him. You'll take care of all of them. You're good at that."
Tell that to Owen and Tosh.
"I'll do my best," I said softly. It's all I can do, I know that.
We lay in silence, for a few moments.
"I'll be leaving in the morning," he said at last.
"I know." I had come to terms with it now. I didn't have a choice.
"What if you die?" I said suddenly. I sat up. I had to look into his eyes. "What if something happens to you?"
"You'll know," he said simply. "You'll feel it."
I closed my eyes. The Doctor reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek softly. "Just don't spend all your time thinking about it, waiting for it to happen. Please."
I opened my eyes and looked into his. He looked a little blurry through my sudden tears.
He smiled brightly. "Anyway, I'll be back. When... I need to be. And in the meantime, if you need me... just... call."
I frowned, confused. "How? The mobile phone?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Well… yes, I suppose. But I didn't mean that. If you need me, just… think of me. Concentrate on our connection. You'll find me, somehow. And I'll hear you." He looked into the middle distance. "Actually, come to think of it, there's something else I needed to do... something to make our bond complete."
I raised my eyebrows. "It's not complete?"
The Doctor smiled. "Oh, it won't make a difference to anything. It's just... dotting the t's and crossing the i's. Wait…hang on... no, sorry..."
I opened my mouth to ask more questions, but the Doctor shut me up by pressing his lips against mine. I decided not to argue.
He pulled away after a moment, leaving me a little breathless. "It'll wait until the morning," he said softly. "It's not important right now. What is important, at this very moment in time, is that thing you promised you were going to do to my toes..."
With a grin, I decided to take the much underrated Presley approach of a little less conversation, a little more action. I shifted on our bed, and went to work on the Doctor's naked body with my hands and mouth.
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
The Doctor melted into his pillow. "Oh, yes... that. Oh, your mouth, it's always so lovely and hot. I love that. Yes, and mmm... yes, what you do just... there. A little to the left... oh, Captain..."
***
Dear Captain,
My dear, dearest Jackity Jack. I think I'm right in saying that by the time you read this, I'll be off on some brilliant adventure in the TARDIS, out in the stars where I belong, completely back to my old self.
Well, not quite my old self. There will be something different about me. I won't be alone anymore. I might be by myself, which is quite different. No, it is. Because even if it's just me in the TARDIS, or me standing on my own in the middle of a vast, rocky landscape on some beautiful planet that I've never visited before, I will never be alone again. Well, not unless our bond has to break, and somehow I don't think it ever will. I might change my face, but I think we will always find a way to be together, somehow.
And that's all because of you. It was you who made me better, this time. Well, and Ianto, of course. He's as much to thank for all of this as you are, of course, but you are the one I am writing to.
You'll pass on my deepest love to him, won't you?
You're probably wondering how I managed to slip this letter into your journal. I could be all clever and mystical about it, but actually I just scanned for life signs within the Hub, and when I didn't find any human ones, I assumed you were all out and took the opportunity of sneaking upstairs, breaking into your desk drawer (you should really find a way of deadlocking that, Jack, my sonic screwdriver opened it in a flash, and you were always so sceptical of it!) and slipping this into your journal.
And yes, I know I'm writing about something I haven't done yet, but I'm pretty sure it worked out just fine.
You know me, events in my life in all the wrong order, as usual.
Don't be sad, Jack. Sad that I've gone, I mean. I daresay you will miss me, as I will miss you, but I will always be there in your mind, and in your heart. And if you ever really do need me, just call, the way I showed you, and I'll be there. Even if your needs are... less than a matter of life and death. We all have needs, Jack, even I know that now.
I spent all this time, all these long centuries, thinking that I didn't need to belong. It was only when Gallifrey was lost that I realised; and even then it still took a while for it to sink in. Not having anywhere to belong... nobody should have to live with that. Not even a silly old Time Lord like me.
And I like belonging to you. I really do.
I don't intend to leave it too long before I visit again. I know as much as anyone that I need to spend time with Ianto while I can. And I need to spend time with you... well, just because I want to. I just need to get some travelling out my system, stretch the proverbial legs, as it were. Few adventures, save the universe, and back home in time for tea.
Or maybe coffee. Ianto makes a special blend just for me, you know; not too strong, nice and milky with lots of sugar. I've grown to like it.
I'll see you again soon, Jack. In the meantime, take good care of all my friends at Torchwood, my friends who never knew I was practically living with them, for a few months. I suppose one day I might tell them.
Take good care of the Earth too, while I'm not there. People are counting on you, and they don't even know it. Best way, I always find.
Take care of Ianto for me, too. He's a very special young man, and he thinks the universe of you, as I do, of course. He's given me a new outlook on... oh, all sorts of things. I'm not as scared of taking a step further in my relationships with humans than I might have done a few months ago, because of him. He's taught me so much.
Ianto won't be around forever, Jack. So please: make the most of him while you can. I can't stress to you how important that is. And tell him how much he means to you. As often as you remember to. That's important too.
Don't think me a hypocrite. I know I was never very good at saying the "L" word myself, until recently. But I don't find it quite so intimidating, these days. And that's because of you, too.
I love you, Captain Jack Harkness. I love you very much. Never forget that, and never doubt it.
And… thank you. For everything.
Until I see you again,
The Doctor
X
***
December 2009
And so this volume of my journal, personal log of Captain Jack Harkness, comes to an end. The book in which I am writing is almost full, and only contains a few more blank pages. In any event, it feels like a good place to stop.
I'm still not sure who I have been writing this journal for. Myself, I think, so that in future, when I reflect about what happened over the past few months; all those precious hours spent with the two men I love, all those feelings of worry, hurt, anger, relief, love and pure unadulterated happiness that I have experienced, I will be able to go back through what I have written and convince myself that it hasn't all just been a dream.
There have been lots of incidents these past few months involving the work of Torchwood and the rest of my team. Aliens and danger and all the other terrible, weird and wonderful things that happen here at Cardiff because of that damn Rift in space and time.
I'm rather fond of that Rift, in a way. It's given me a purpose.
We've worked as hard as we always do. But I have not dwelled on many of the day-to-day occurrences that happen at Torchwood in this log. All of those details can be found in the Torchwood files, of course, and they have no place here.
I have concentrated, instead, on my own journey; my emotions and feelings arising from events personal to me, because recently I have learnt that all of those things are important, and I shouldn't block them out or dismiss them as insignificant.
It's the story of me and Ianto, and the story of me and the Doctor, and the story of the three of us together. It's the story of how I finally found my place in this strange era of this extraordinary planet; not as the leader of a team, not as a hero, but as a person.
It's ironic, I suppose, that it's because of an alien that I have learnt what is important about being human.
The Doctor has left the Hub now. I miss him, of course, but it's his physical presence I yearn for. I don't have to miss his hearts and soul, because he's with me all the time; all I have to do is stop for a moment and feel for him, and there's a little part of him there.
He's in my head, and in my heart, and while we are bonded, we are inextricably linked together. That makes me happier than I ever thought possible.
***
There is one final tale to be told. What happened in the final few moments that Ianto and I spent with the Doctor, before he left in the TARDIS and moved on to new places, new times, and new adventures.
Ianto and I had already placed our hands on the wooden exterior of that wonderful machine and silently said our farewells. I could swear that the constant vibration of the TARDIS exterior felt a little stronger for a moment, as though in reply.
Now Ianto and I stood side by side, our arms around each other, facing the Doctor as he stood in front of his wonderful ship.
"You're sure you'll be okay?" I said for about the fifth time.
The Doctor grinned. "Course I will. I'll be fine."
I reached out and stroked his face. I knew he was telling the truth.
"It's nearly Christmas," I said. A final last-ditch attempt to make him stay a little longer, I suppose. Even though I knew it was futile.
"I usually spend it at Rhiannon's," Ianto interjected. "But I've told her I'll come on Boxing Day instead. Jack and I are going to spend Christmas day together this year."
"Quite right, too," said the Doctor, beaming. He was wearing the tie that Ianto had bought him as an early Christmas present. It had stripes of blue and brown on it. It suited him. My gift, a huge bunch of bananas and enough chocolate and new books to last him a few months, were stored carefully in the cabinet next to our bed in the TARDIS.
"Always room for one more…?" I said cajolingly.
The Doctor shook his head. "Whenever I'm around at Christmas on Earth these days, something terrible always seems to happen," he said, with a wry smile.
"Good thing you're usually around to take care of things then," I said solemnly.
The Doctor shook his head. "If I go to the past when I know nothing bad happened, I think we'll all be safe, don't you?"
Ianto and I exchanged glances.
"I might take a trip to late nineteenth century Earth," the Doctor continued. "That's where you first ended up after you escaped the Gamestation, isn't it, Jack?"
"Yep."
"I think I'll try a Victorian Christmas, this year. Horse drawn carriages. Carol singers in the street. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… ooh, there's a song. There might even be real snow! Besides, if I time it right, I might see you there, Jack." He grinned.
"Yeah… well… best if you don't let me see you. We don’t want to be creating a paradox on your first trip out alone, do we?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Well, maybe a couple of decades earlier then. Still, if I don't quite get it right and if I do see you, I'll just duck behind a wall and ogle you from afar."
"You can ogle me any time you like." I smiled, and pulled the Time Lord into a tight, warm hug. We stayed like that for a moment, but then I pulled away. We'd already said our goodbyes physically, and this was just making things more difficult.
The Doctor straightened his new tie, looked at Ianto and then at me, his face serious.
"There's that thing I mentioned last night. One more thing I have to tell you both, before I go. It completes the bonding process, makes it… official. I should probably have done it before, I suppose, but it's just… a formality, really."
We both nodded, instantly curious.
"You can't tell anybody else," he said solemnly.
I nodded. "I love secrets," I said, with a little grin.
The Doctor scratched his ear. "It's not just a secret, Jack. You can't tell anyone. Literally. Your mind will prevent you from saying it to anybody but me; you simply won't be able to form the words unless you are speaking directly to me."
I gave him a small smile. "More Time Lord hocus pocus?"
The Doctor smiled back. "Something like that." Then he looked solemn. "It means that you can't even say it to each other. So I'm going to have to tell each of you in turn."
Ianto and I looked at each other curiously.
"Ianto first, then," I said smoothly. I wanted to see the reaction on Ianto's face, to see if I could gauge whether this mysterious secret was a good or a bad thing.
The Doctor nodded. He crossed over to Ianto, put an arm around his shoulders and nestled his mouth close to his ear. I could hear the faint sound of the Doctor whispering, but couldn't make out a single word of what he said.
I watched Ianto carefully. After the Doctor pulled away, I have to say the look on Ianto's face was priceless. He gazed at the Doctor in complete and utter wonderment. "Thank you," he whispered. The Doctor smiled at him and kissed him softly on the lips.
"Until I see you again, Ianto Jones."
Ianto nodded and smiled. He still looked like he was in awe.
I watched as the Doctor approached me next, and took my face in his hands, the way I had done to him so many times. This time he kissed me on the lips first, and I knew as soon as he had told me whatever it was he had to say, he would turn around, get into the TARDIS and leave, without looking back. It was his way, after all.
I relished the feel of his warm lips on mine, not knowing how long it would be before I would feel them again.
At last, he pulled away, and pushed his mouth into my neck, nuzzling the skin over my pulse for a moment, breathing deeply, drinking in one final memory of me. Then he pushed his mouth right into my ear so that he could whisper. I held my breath.
And then…
The Doctor told me his name.
End
"River, you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name… there's only one time I could."
The Doctor to River Song, Forest of the Dead
If you would like to vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards, details of how to do that are here. Thank you :)
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
<< Chapter Twenty Two
<< Chapter Twenty Three
<< Chapter Twenty Four
<< Chapter Twenty Five
<< Chapter Twenty Six
<< Chapter Twenty Seven
Thanks to you all, new readers and 'regulars', for coming along for the ride, and for your comments, input, encouragement and support.
I've made a heck of a lot of new friends through writing this series, and for that I'm proud and delighted.
Ruthy x
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Eight (Final Chapter)
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ianto/Ten
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 (series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End, The Next Doctor
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: slash | three-way polyamory | angst
Final total word count: 106,400
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"It's ironic, I suppose, that it's because of an alien that I have learnt what is important about being human.
Chapter Twenty Eight
It was cold, down in the holding cells. Ianto stood by the heavy steel doorway with his hands in his trouser pockets, his face set.
I was watching the Doctor from the safe side of the clear Perspex, my expression and limbs tensed with more than a touch of anxiety. I had wanted to carry out the usual safety procedures by flooding Mildred's cell with tranquillising gas before he went in there, but the Doctor had insisted it wasn't necessarily.
The Time Lord was in the cell with her now, his fingers pressed to the creature's thick, leathery forehead, his eyes closed in concentration.
I swallowed nervously, anxious that the Weevil might attack the Doctor at any moment, but she didn't. She actually had a rather stupefied, content expression on her face, if a Weevil could look contented. All I could get from her by way of a telepathic signal was a sleepy, droning hum.
In the cell next to her, Janet watched me through the Perspex, whimpering softly. All I could sense from him was the repeated word "good", whatever he meant by that. I think he knew what we were doing, and approved.
The Doctor said that as far as he could make out, Janet and the other Weevils we kept out of harm's way were happy enough to stay at the Hub, to feel sheltered, and be fed and watered like house guests. I'd never really considered that a Weevil could become tame, or even lazy, but maybe they're closer to being human than we'd thought.
Millie, on the other hand, was as scared, confused and miserable as she had been since we first brought her to the Hub. We'd picked her up because she'd been seen attacking a human, but she'd been scared and felt threatened at the time. The Doctor said he could enter her mind and fix her; make her forget the trauma of the last few months, take away her aggression.
He'd fix her, send her to sleep, and then we could safely take her back home to the sewers, back to her own kind where she belonged.
Maybe her missing child had returned to the rest of the pack while she had been away. I hoped so.
Half an hour later, in the dim light of the almost-dawn, if anybody had been on Roald Dahl Plass that early in the morning, they would have seen a handsome young man in a warm woollen coat, pushing a wheelchair towards Cardiff Bay. The occupant of the chair was dressed in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood pulled right down over their face. The invalid appeared to be asleep, their head lolling over the tartan picnic blanket tucked snugly under his or her chin.
The young man pushing the wheelchair was flanked on either side by two tall men, both wearing long coats that flapped in the early morning breeze.
The expressions on the faces of all three men were ambivalent. Nobody would have been able to decide whether their faces were creased with relief and compassion, or resigned grief.
***
Ianto and I persuaded the Doctor to stay one more night, so that we could say our goodbyes properly. That evening, I left Ianto to spend his time with the Doctor alone, while I tidied up loose ends upstairs.
I didn't know what I was going to tell the others about where Millie the Weevil had gone. I would make up something, and they'd believe me. Sometimes I scare myself when I consider how easily the lies flow from my lips, and how readily I can make people swallow what I tell them.
Lately, I seem to have been more honest with others, and with myself, than I've ever been. That's proved to be quite liberating, in a way.
But it's handy, being a good liar. And everybody needs to keep some secrets. Maybe I shouldn't let myself get too out of practice.
As for the slight suntans and the relaxed, contented moods Ianto and I seem to have acquired overnight, I'll tell the team that I treated us both to a night at a fancy hotel, complete with pampering treatments and a stint in the tanning booth. They can already see how much better Ianto and I have been getting along lately. Can't hurt to convince them what a considerate and generous boyfriend I am.
***
Much later that evening, the loose ends tied and the paperwork filed, I spent my time alone with the Doctor. We made love; slowly and leisurely, and as tenderly and as desperately as we ever had. Afterwards, I cradled him, clutching him to me and entwining my limbs with his, holding on to him as though it was for the last time.
For all I know, it could have been.
No. Can't think that. Can't ever begin to think that this is the end of us. No matter what happens.
We lay together in what I had begun to think of as 'our' bed in the TARDIS, kissing and stroking each other and just... being together. It was all I'd ever wanted, and for those final hours together, it was all we had, and all I needed.
"You think you're ready now?" I asked him softly. "Ready to get back out there, out in the stars, alone? With the danger, and the adventures, and everything else that goes with it?"
The Doctor nodded against my chest, his hair tickling my skin.
"That time we had, the three of us, in the TARDIS... it was my way of breaking myself in gently, I think. It was brilliant, wasn't it?"
I grinned. Yeah. It was.
"I just needed to be out there, travelling again," he said softly, his fingers trailing over my stomach. "Seeing new things, meeting new people, marvelling at all those wonders the universe has to offer. And I wanted you both to share it too, for a little while. I wanted to remember what it's like to just... enjoy life. To have fun. To be carefree, without everything going wrong, without the world falling down around my ears, waiting for me to put it back together again"
"And now it's... back to the old life?" I frowned. Somehow, now, the thought of him being in danger bothered me more now than it ever had.
"People might need me, I suppose. And I can never refuse to help them. I'll go out there and wait to see what happens. I think I rather miss it."
I stroked softly at his exposed shoulder, running my fingers over the bruise I had purposely made there with my mouth and teeth, marking him as mine. It was already fading to yellow around the edges. I knew that by the morning it would be completely gone.
"I was tempted," I said suddenly. "Just for a moment. When I heard that damn timer alarm going off. When I realised that our time was up. I didn't want it to end. I was so tempted to just say 'screw it'. We could have run away. You, me and Ianto. The three of us could have run away, and left everything behind, forever."
"You would never have done that," he said softly. "You're needed here. And I'm so proud of you."
I couldn't help but hold him a little tighter. "You'll find someone, soon," I said. "If not River yet, then... someone. You need somebody to share it all with. Someone to help you. Somebody to stop you."
The Doctor shook his head. "No. I'll be going it alone, Jack. I can't do that anymore. I can't drag people into my mad life and put them in danger on my behalf. It's not fair."
"But you hate being alone." I bent my head and buried my nose and mouth in his hair. Inhaled and memorised the scent.
"I'll be fine. And I won't be lonely any more. You and Ianto... you're with me now, in my head and my hearts. And I'm in here too, remember?" He shifted slightly and pressed the flat of his hand to my chest, over my heart. He stared at his hand, as though concentrating on feeling my heartbeat against his palm.
Then he shook his head again. "I pick people up, make them trust me and then I just end up hurting them. About time I stopped."
I closed my eyes. "Don't let's go over that again..."
The Doctor smiled. "No, it's okay. I'm not going to go all doolally on you again, don't worry. I just can't deal with it anymore. I take people into my hearts, and they end up breaking them. At least this way, I know that you and Ianto are always here when I need you. And I'll always know that you're safe."
I snorted softly. "Working for Torchwood isn't exactly a sedate, boring office job, Doctor."
"Oh… Jackity-Jack. You'll take care of him. You'll take care of all of them. You're good at that."
Tell that to Owen and Tosh.
"I'll do my best," I said softly. It's all I can do, I know that.
We lay in silence, for a few moments.
"I'll be leaving in the morning," he said at last.
"I know." I had come to terms with it now. I didn't have a choice.
"What if you die?" I said suddenly. I sat up. I had to look into his eyes. "What if something happens to you?"
"You'll know," he said simply. "You'll feel it."
I closed my eyes. The Doctor reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek softly. "Just don't spend all your time thinking about it, waiting for it to happen. Please."
I opened my eyes and looked into his. He looked a little blurry through my sudden tears.
He smiled brightly. "Anyway, I'll be back. When... I need to be. And in the meantime, if you need me... just... call."
I frowned, confused. "How? The mobile phone?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Well… yes, I suppose. But I didn't mean that. If you need me, just… think of me. Concentrate on our connection. You'll find me, somehow. And I'll hear you." He looked into the middle distance. "Actually, come to think of it, there's something else I needed to do... something to make our bond complete."
I raised my eyebrows. "It's not complete?"
The Doctor smiled. "Oh, it won't make a difference to anything. It's just... dotting the t's and crossing the i's. Wait…hang on... no, sorry..."
I opened my mouth to ask more questions, but the Doctor shut me up by pressing his lips against mine. I decided not to argue.
He pulled away after a moment, leaving me a little breathless. "It'll wait until the morning," he said softly. "It's not important right now. What is important, at this very moment in time, is that thing you promised you were going to do to my toes..."
With a grin, I decided to take the much underrated Presley approach of a little less conversation, a little more action. I shifted on our bed, and went to work on the Doctor's naked body with my hands and mouth.
It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
The Doctor melted into his pillow. "Oh, yes... that. Oh, your mouth, it's always so lovely and hot. I love that. Yes, and mmm... yes, what you do just... there. A little to the left... oh, Captain..."
***
Dear Captain,
My dear, dearest Jackity Jack. I think I'm right in saying that by the time you read this, I'll be off on some brilliant adventure in the TARDIS, out in the stars where I belong, completely back to my old self.
Well, not quite my old self. There will be something different about me. I won't be alone anymore. I might be by myself, which is quite different. No, it is. Because even if it's just me in the TARDIS, or me standing on my own in the middle of a vast, rocky landscape on some beautiful planet that I've never visited before, I will never be alone again. Well, not unless our bond has to break, and somehow I don't think it ever will. I might change my face, but I think we will always find a way to be together, somehow.
And that's all because of you. It was you who made me better, this time. Well, and Ianto, of course. He's as much to thank for all of this as you are, of course, but you are the one I am writing to.
You'll pass on my deepest love to him, won't you?
You're probably wondering how I managed to slip this letter into your journal. I could be all clever and mystical about it, but actually I just scanned for life signs within the Hub, and when I didn't find any human ones, I assumed you were all out and took the opportunity of sneaking upstairs, breaking into your desk drawer (you should really find a way of deadlocking that, Jack, my sonic screwdriver opened it in a flash, and you were always so sceptical of it!) and slipping this into your journal.
And yes, I know I'm writing about something I haven't done yet, but I'm pretty sure it worked out just fine.
You know me, events in my life in all the wrong order, as usual.
Don't be sad, Jack. Sad that I've gone, I mean. I daresay you will miss me, as I will miss you, but I will always be there in your mind, and in your heart. And if you ever really do need me, just call, the way I showed you, and I'll be there. Even if your needs are... less than a matter of life and death. We all have needs, Jack, even I know that now.
I spent all this time, all these long centuries, thinking that I didn't need to belong. It was only when Gallifrey was lost that I realised; and even then it still took a while for it to sink in. Not having anywhere to belong... nobody should have to live with that. Not even a silly old Time Lord like me.
And I like belonging to you. I really do.
I don't intend to leave it too long before I visit again. I know as much as anyone that I need to spend time with Ianto while I can. And I need to spend time with you... well, just because I want to. I just need to get some travelling out my system, stretch the proverbial legs, as it were. Few adventures, save the universe, and back home in time for tea.
Or maybe coffee. Ianto makes a special blend just for me, you know; not too strong, nice and milky with lots of sugar. I've grown to like it.
I'll see you again soon, Jack. In the meantime, take good care of all my friends at Torchwood, my friends who never knew I was practically living with them, for a few months. I suppose one day I might tell them.
Take good care of the Earth too, while I'm not there. People are counting on you, and they don't even know it. Best way, I always find.
Take care of Ianto for me, too. He's a very special young man, and he thinks the universe of you, as I do, of course. He's given me a new outlook on... oh, all sorts of things. I'm not as scared of taking a step further in my relationships with humans than I might have done a few months ago, because of him. He's taught me so much.
Ianto won't be around forever, Jack. So please: make the most of him while you can. I can't stress to you how important that is. And tell him how much he means to you. As often as you remember to. That's important too.
Don't think me a hypocrite. I know I was never very good at saying the "L" word myself, until recently. But I don't find it quite so intimidating, these days. And that's because of you, too.
I love you, Captain Jack Harkness. I love you very much. Never forget that, and never doubt it.
And… thank you. For everything.
Until I see you again,
The Doctor
X
***
December 2009
And so this volume of my journal, personal log of Captain Jack Harkness, comes to an end. The book in which I am writing is almost full, and only contains a few more blank pages. In any event, it feels like a good place to stop.
I'm still not sure who I have been writing this journal for. Myself, I think, so that in future, when I reflect about what happened over the past few months; all those precious hours spent with the two men I love, all those feelings of worry, hurt, anger, relief, love and pure unadulterated happiness that I have experienced, I will be able to go back through what I have written and convince myself that it hasn't all just been a dream.
There have been lots of incidents these past few months involving the work of Torchwood and the rest of my team. Aliens and danger and all the other terrible, weird and wonderful things that happen here at Cardiff because of that damn Rift in space and time.
I'm rather fond of that Rift, in a way. It's given me a purpose.
We've worked as hard as we always do. But I have not dwelled on many of the day-to-day occurrences that happen at Torchwood in this log. All of those details can be found in the Torchwood files, of course, and they have no place here.
I have concentrated, instead, on my own journey; my emotions and feelings arising from events personal to me, because recently I have learnt that all of those things are important, and I shouldn't block them out or dismiss them as insignificant.
It's the story of me and Ianto, and the story of me and the Doctor, and the story of the three of us together. It's the story of how I finally found my place in this strange era of this extraordinary planet; not as the leader of a team, not as a hero, but as a person.
It's ironic, I suppose, that it's because of an alien that I have learnt what is important about being human.
The Doctor has left the Hub now. I miss him, of course, but it's his physical presence I yearn for. I don't have to miss his hearts and soul, because he's with me all the time; all I have to do is stop for a moment and feel for him, and there's a little part of him there.
He's in my head, and in my heart, and while we are bonded, we are inextricably linked together. That makes me happier than I ever thought possible.
***
There is one final tale to be told. What happened in the final few moments that Ianto and I spent with the Doctor, before he left in the TARDIS and moved on to new places, new times, and new adventures.
Ianto and I had already placed our hands on the wooden exterior of that wonderful machine and silently said our farewells. I could swear that the constant vibration of the TARDIS exterior felt a little stronger for a moment, as though in reply.
Now Ianto and I stood side by side, our arms around each other, facing the Doctor as he stood in front of his wonderful ship.
"You're sure you'll be okay?" I said for about the fifth time.
The Doctor grinned. "Course I will. I'll be fine."
I reached out and stroked his face. I knew he was telling the truth.
"It's nearly Christmas," I said. A final last-ditch attempt to make him stay a little longer, I suppose. Even though I knew it was futile.
"I usually spend it at Rhiannon's," Ianto interjected. "But I've told her I'll come on Boxing Day instead. Jack and I are going to spend Christmas day together this year."
"Quite right, too," said the Doctor, beaming. He was wearing the tie that Ianto had bought him as an early Christmas present. It had stripes of blue and brown on it. It suited him. My gift, a huge bunch of bananas and enough chocolate and new books to last him a few months, were stored carefully in the cabinet next to our bed in the TARDIS.
"Always room for one more…?" I said cajolingly.
The Doctor shook his head. "Whenever I'm around at Christmas on Earth these days, something terrible always seems to happen," he said, with a wry smile.
"Good thing you're usually around to take care of things then," I said solemnly.
The Doctor shook his head. "If I go to the past when I know nothing bad happened, I think we'll all be safe, don't you?"
Ianto and I exchanged glances.
"I might take a trip to late nineteenth century Earth," the Doctor continued. "That's where you first ended up after you escaped the Gamestation, isn't it, Jack?"
"Yep."
"I think I'll try a Victorian Christmas, this year. Horse drawn carriages. Carol singers in the street. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… ooh, there's a song. There might even be real snow! Besides, if I time it right, I might see you there, Jack." He grinned.
"Yeah… well… best if you don't let me see you. We don’t want to be creating a paradox on your first trip out alone, do we?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Well, maybe a couple of decades earlier then. Still, if I don't quite get it right and if I do see you, I'll just duck behind a wall and ogle you from afar."
"You can ogle me any time you like." I smiled, and pulled the Time Lord into a tight, warm hug. We stayed like that for a moment, but then I pulled away. We'd already said our goodbyes physically, and this was just making things more difficult.
The Doctor straightened his new tie, looked at Ianto and then at me, his face serious.
"There's that thing I mentioned last night. One more thing I have to tell you both, before I go. It completes the bonding process, makes it… official. I should probably have done it before, I suppose, but it's just… a formality, really."
We both nodded, instantly curious.
"You can't tell anybody else," he said solemnly.
I nodded. "I love secrets," I said, with a little grin.
The Doctor scratched his ear. "It's not just a secret, Jack. You can't tell anyone. Literally. Your mind will prevent you from saying it to anybody but me; you simply won't be able to form the words unless you are speaking directly to me."
I gave him a small smile. "More Time Lord hocus pocus?"
The Doctor smiled back. "Something like that." Then he looked solemn. "It means that you can't even say it to each other. So I'm going to have to tell each of you in turn."
Ianto and I looked at each other curiously.
"Ianto first, then," I said smoothly. I wanted to see the reaction on Ianto's face, to see if I could gauge whether this mysterious secret was a good or a bad thing.
The Doctor nodded. He crossed over to Ianto, put an arm around his shoulders and nestled his mouth close to his ear. I could hear the faint sound of the Doctor whispering, but couldn't make out a single word of what he said.
I watched Ianto carefully. After the Doctor pulled away, I have to say the look on Ianto's face was priceless. He gazed at the Doctor in complete and utter wonderment. "Thank you," he whispered. The Doctor smiled at him and kissed him softly on the lips.
"Until I see you again, Ianto Jones."
Ianto nodded and smiled. He still looked like he was in awe.
I watched as the Doctor approached me next, and took my face in his hands, the way I had done to him so many times. This time he kissed me on the lips first, and I knew as soon as he had told me whatever it was he had to say, he would turn around, get into the TARDIS and leave, without looking back. It was his way, after all.
I relished the feel of his warm lips on mine, not knowing how long it would be before I would feel them again.
At last, he pulled away, and pushed his mouth into my neck, nuzzling the skin over my pulse for a moment, breathing deeply, drinking in one final memory of me. Then he pushed his mouth right into my ear so that he could whisper. I held my breath.
And then…
The Doctor told me his name.
End
"River, you know my name. You whispered my name in my ear. There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name… there's only one time I could."
The Doctor to River Song, Forest of the Dead
If you would like to vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards, details of how to do that are here. Thank you :)
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
<< Chapter Twenty Two
<< Chapter Twenty Three
<< Chapter Twenty Four
<< Chapter Twenty Five
<< Chapter Twenty Six
<< Chapter Twenty Seven