Belonging: Chapter Sixteen
Author's Note: Please be kind to me this chapter (not that my loyal readers aren't always), I'm in mourning over David... *sniffle*
Title: Belonging - Chapter Sixteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Ianto, Jack, Ten
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for language and mentions of adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Parting of the Ways, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
You've been ever such a good boy recently, I do admit that. And I'm very fond of your hormones.
Chapter Sixteen
Hello. Ianto Jones here again. I'm sorry to take over Jack's journal like this, but as I said before, we all decided it would be a good idea if I could put my views across in writing.
I'm finding this a lot easier, I must say. It's easier to write down emotional stuff rather than say it out loud, isn't it? None of that blushing or stuttering. You can think about things properly before you write them down; you don't have to blurt them out and then realise you've said the wrong thing, or said it in the wrong tone of voice. And you don't have to be there when the person it's meant for is reading it.
I've spoken to Jack about the Weevil thing. At first, he laughed like a drain and when I finally got him to stop choking, he said it was funny because the Weevils had spoken to me in Welsh. I'm not sure why that's so hilarious, but it seemed to tickle him.
It was the TARDIS. I thought as much. Apparently her telepathic translation sensors, or whatever they are, have decided that Welsh is my first language, rather than English. Jack says it's either that or she's taking the piss. I'm not sure how a space/time machine can have a sense of humour, but there you are.
Jack is going to speak to the Doctor about why it's happening, but he had a smirk on his face, so I think he already knows and is just teasing me.
So, anyway. I'm going to put a title in here, because I like titles. They make what you are reading neater and easier to follow. Jack, take note.
Ianto's side of the story
I was jealous of the Doctor at first, yes, of course I was. Turning up the way he did, expecting Jack to just drop everything for him again. But even I could see how upset the Doctor was. No, upset is too mild a word. Devastated is how he was. Like his world had been ripped apart. And, considering what Jack has told me since about what he's been through over the last... whatever number of years, it's not surprising.
That sort of constant trauma, loss, whatever you want to call it, has to take its toll eventually, hasn't it? It would bring anyone down in the end, alien or human. Anyone with a heart, anyone with feelings, couldn't go on like that forever. And the Doctor has TWO hearts, so it must be even worse for him.
And then I began to feel a bit ashamed of myself, in a way. Like I was being churlish and a bit bunnyboiler-ish. (NB: not sure that's a real word).
So I encouraged Jack to spend time with him. Like he had done with me, after Lisa. But that's the thing with Jack. Once he gets a bee in his bonnet about something, everything else takes a backseat.
I could soon see that all he wanted to do was be with the Doctor. Be with him instead of me. Even though I was fairly sure there was nothing going on between them other than friendship, I could see that change in Jack's eyes again. And I started getting all irrational and jealous about the Doctor again.
So... then I did have a bit of a hissy fit about Jack neglecting me. I'm a bit embarrassed about that now. But after that, Jack saw sense, and I thought we'd be okay. (And I got a couple of romantic meals out of him, which is more than I'd usually get.)
I thought the Doctor just needed a bit of a time-out, that's all. Rest and relaxation can do wonders for the soul. And then… I thought he'd decide to go off travelling again, and things would go back to normal. Only, it didn't really work out like that.
The night that Jack and made up properly, I told him to spend the following evening with the Doctor, just to show how cool I was about the whole thing. Well, not just that. I could tell Jack was worried about leaving him on his own for long periods of time. And, if I'm honest, for some reason, I was pretty worried about the Doctor too. I didn't really know him, not like Jack did, but I knew he was special. He has this... indefinable thing about him.
And... I admit it, okay, I did fancy the Doctor. It's a bit difficult not to, really, only I could see that apart from how attractive he is, there was something different about him, this... innocence. Not child-like as such, because in all other ways he's so experienced and worldly wise (or should that be universely wise?), but he seemed sort of... naive. Like if you made a pass at him, he wouldn't know what you were on about.
Which, in a weird sort of way, is very attractive. Like... he'd be a bit of a challenge, know what I mean?
(Oh Jack, you are such a bad influence on me.)
Anyway, there was this thing between him and Rose, he'd practically confessed that he loved her, but didn't want to be with her because of the him not aging thing. But even then, most red-blooded males would have buckled eventually, wouldn't they? They'd at least have got a bit of snogging in, if not more. Most men, if they are handed it on a plate, would unfold the napkin, pick up the cutlery and get stuck in, wouldn't they? But not the Doctor. As handsome and foxy as he is, he always seemed a bit... sexless to me. Well, asexual is the proper word, I think. Maybe I can see it, because I'm not a permanently hormone-infused walking hard-on, like Jack.
Maybe that was a bit harsh of me. Sorry, Jack. You've been ever such a good boy recently, I do admit that. And I'm very fond of your hormones. And your hard-on.
So getting back to the story, that night, barely an hour or two after I'd left the Hub, I got a phone call from Jack. He sounded upset, and a bit confused, and said that he'd had a big fight with the Doctor and he didn't know what to do.
I wasn't that surprised. I knew it had been bubbling under for quite a while, and I bet I was the only one to see that coming, too.
I know what it's like, you see, to spend time with someone who's not quite well. It's like my grandma, when I was little, she was a bit senile. Not that I'm saying the Doctor is senile, but you know what I mean. She was a bit down and confused and not her usual self, to a much greater extent than the Doctor, of course, but it still amounts to the same thing. When you spend a lot of time with someone like that, constantly trying to make them feel better, it can get a bit much.
You tread on eggshells around them, because you know how easily they can get upset, or confused, or take what you say the wrong way or something. And after a while, it's wearing on the soul. No matter how much you love that person, no matter how much patience and understanding you think you have for them, one day they do something that annoys you, without even realising it, and you blow. It's pretty horrible, but sadly, very human.
So Jack came over to my flat, and... well, he told me about the CCTV thing.
How did I feel about it? I must admit, because we're being honest here, that my initial reaction was to feel a bit pleased, in a childish 'ha ha, your precious Doctor isn't quite so perfect after all' kind of way, because I'm not perfect either, of course. Which is probably why I laughed and called him a perv. But I didn't really believe that, or mean it.
I was quite calm and rational about the whole thing, because... well, because I believed the Doctor.
Was I surprised that Jack was so shocked by it? Not really.
When you have so much regard and respect for someone and they do something... well, maybe 'sordid' is the wrong word, but when they do something out of character, something that you feel is an insult to you or a betrayal of your trust... well, it hits you harder than it might if somebody else had done the same thing, doesn't it?
Especially when that someone has this aura of innocence and purity that you can't quite get your head round, and they do something... ordinary and human, and a bit disappointing.
And did I feel personally violated? I'm not sure. I put it to one side, I think, because I was more concerned about Jack at the time, but having thought about it again, I don't think I mind all that much. I was, after all, simply being used as a learning tool, and not an object of somebody's voyeuristic decadence. And... this was the Doctor. I know that shouldn't make any difference in the circumstances, but somehow... it does.
I can't pretend to understand it myself.
(And I think… maybe deep down… it was a bit kinky, in a way. And it gave me a teeny-weeny bit of a thrill to think about it afterwards.)
(Jack, you really are SUCH a bad influence.)
So then I was all 'grown-up' Ianto, and being all calm and rational (for once) and I felt quite pleased with myself, because it's usually Jack who is in charge, and Jack who does all the reassuring, at least it is when work is concerned. When it's just us, just me and Jack... I like to be the calming influence.
So there I was, being all cool about it, and about that kiss (which I accept Jack stopped before it went any further) and I told Jack that I thought the Doctor was confused, but it was clear that he loves Jack... and that Jack loves him. And he didn't deny it. He couldn't, could he? He used to be a really good liar, but I can mostly tell when he's lying these days, now that I know him so much better.
At the time though, and I know it sounds a bit weird, but although I knew I was right about the Doctor loving Jack, and I was being all reasonable about it, it didn't really hit me. The reality of it, I mean. When we got back to the Hub, and Jack told me that the TARDIS was gone, I was all anxious again. Concerned about Jack feeling so guilty and worried about the Doctor, and a bit worried about the Doctor myself, probably. And things were so tense, I just wanted everything to be alright again, so I put everything else to one side.
My gran always used to tell me, before she was ill, that I should never worry about more than one thing at a time.
A few nights later, the Doctor came back and he'd been through some sort of new trauma, and Jack was in a panic over him again, like a mother hen, and it was up to me to calm the stormy waters again.
And there was this big talk that Jack and the Doctor had to have, and I knew he'd be up for hours. I was pretty eager to find out what the whole thing was about, but I was bloody knackered, so I went to bed. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the middle of the night, and Jack is sitting on the edge of his tiny bed staring at the wall. Which, considering how small that hole he calls a bedroom is, was about a foot away from the end of his nose.
And I knew something was up. There was a different tone to his voice when he spoke to me, and this weird look in his eyes.
We made love that night, and even that felt different. I hope that was because he was a bit upset, and not because he was thinking about somebody else.
The next morning Jack was all moony over me in the shower, and then he sat me down and told me what the Doctor had said. It took ages. All that Time Lord bonding stuff… it made sense, I suppose. It explained why the Doctor is happy enough to be all huggy, but without there being any sexual connotation to it.
It's funny, in a way, because in that sense, he's the opposite of Jack. Jack's main motivation in life is sex. It always has been. I thought it was just him, but after having met John Hart, it seems that they're all like that in the future. Or maybe it's just Time Agents. Everybody in the future must be late for work every morning; they must stop to shag three people on the way wherever they go, not to mention having to cut their way through the thick smog of hormones and pheromones with a machete.
Jack isn't like anybody else I have ever met.
Jack is utterly amazing. He's... gobsmacking. Handsome isn't the word. You know in a movie when this gorgeous man or woman walks down the road, and the wind blows through their hair, and you hear the angels singing? And everybody's jaw drops open? Jack's like that. If he walks into the room, into a bar, say, practically every man and woman in there stops talking to stare at him. Even the straight men.
And he's got this... confidence. I suppose some people might not take to that, they might think him a bit cheesy, or egocentric, but he can certainly charm most of the birds out of most of the trees. He could have anybody he wants, and until fairly recently... he did.
That's what I can never get my head round, you see.
Jack is my boyfriend. CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS is going out with ME. He loves me. He says he does, and I think I believe him.
Me. Ordinary, dull Ianto Jones, whose teachers told him he would never amount to much.
I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm not much compared to Jack. I'm not special. I don't have his looks, or intelligence, or his charisma, or his courage. ~ Utter bollocks! - Jack.
So then, consider the Doctor. Another amazing, other-worldly hero. Famous throughout every galaxy, I understand. He's a legend. Some beings actually think he's a myth. He's saved the universe about a thousand times. And he has the wind-blowing, angels-singing thing going on too.
And he loves Jack. And Jack loves him back. Isn't it understandable that two such remarkable beings would want to be with each other?
So then, I come back to the story. I'm sat there, listening to what Jack is telling me with this... feeling of utter calm sweeping over me. Like I was resigned to what was about to happen.
Jack told me what the Doctor said about loving him, and wanting to bond with him, and I wasn't surprised, of course I wasn't.
Any minute now, I was thinking. Any moment now, and he's going to say, 'so.... sorry, Ianto. It's all over between us. I hope we can still be friends. It's not you, it's me', or some other bullshit that people tell their soon-to-be ex-partners.
But that didn't happen. Jack told me, in plain English, that he'd told the Doctor no. Because of me. Out of the two of us, he chose me.
And even though it's against his ideology, against his very nature to be monogamous, to promise not to cross a line that we had both agreed to (and true, it wasn't that strict, because I know that flirting and physical contact for Jack is as natural as breathing, but even so), Jack took that choice.
Because Jack loves me.
I still can't quite believe it, and I'm looking at the words. I've just written them down, and I'm staring at them, and they're true.
Bloody hell.
So, anyway, when he said that, it took a moment for it to sink in.
And then, once it had sunk in a bit, I began to realise what that meant for Jack. And I felt terrible. It was almost physically painful.
Jack was torn between the two people he loves most in the world. The two people who.. complete him, I suppose. I'm not sure what he sees in me, but there must be something I give him. A touch of humanity in a world filled with aliens? A point of stability in a crazy life filled with death and danger? My impeccable dress sense? My cleaning skills? My ability to make the best coffee in the world?
I do make the best coffee in the world.
Christ, I hope he doesn't love me just for the coffee.
And how long is it going to last? How long is it going to be before he starts resenting me for the choice he made? For having to make that choice? How long before he sees me getting old and grey, and panics, like he once did about Estelle?
How long before he starts to realise that out of me and the Doctor, with me he had a few years of decent coffee and a touch of humanity before I got too old for him to fancy anymore, but with the Doctor he could have had something wonderful for the rest of time, and because of his loyalty to me, he let that slip through his fingers?
Okay, maybe I'm being a bit self-depreciating. But even then. I knew.
Jack needed both me AND the Doctor. Like the two halves of his yin and yang.
And I was causing Jack pain. The pain of having to choose between us, the pain of having to live with only one half of what completed him. And the frustration too, the constant internal struggle to not cross that line we'd agreed.
It wasn't even as if the choice was something that had just happened. Yes, the Doctor had only just told him that he felt more than friendship for him, but that choice has always been there, hasn't it? Jack has always had to make the choice between being out in the stars with the Doctor, or being here in Cardiff with his team. With me.
I knew then that I couldn't do that to him. But I couldn't say it at the time. I had to just… get away, to sort out what I was feeling, because I didn't know how to say it to him.
And yes, I kept avoiding the issue, because it hurt. I couldn't stand to see Jack so unhappy, so confused and frustrated because... well, yes. Because of me. Well, okay, not just because of me. I'm not saying any of this is my fault. Or... anybody's fault, really. That's just the way life works out sometimes. Nothing is ever that simple.
And I know, eventually, that no matter how much Jack tries to control himself, there might come a time when he gives into temptation, and that would destroy us.
Jack was torn between me and the Doctor, but to cheat on me would make him feel terrible, I know that. He's loyal. But he's human.
And... he's Jack Harkness. He's an impossible thing.
There was an easy solution, of course. I could have let Jack go. The Doctor had done it. He'd let him go, he'd not made an issue of it, so as not to cause him any pain. And, really, if the Doctor had wanted to, he could have pushed it and I think Jack might have given in. Jack does practically everything the Doctor tells him to do.
I suppose I can see now that the Doctor just let Jack go because he didn't want to hurt me either, even though I didn't really mean that much to him back then. But that's what the Doctor is like. That's what he does. He sacrifices his own happiness, for the sake of others. And in a lot of ways, so does Jack.
I could have made it all so much easier for them both, I suppose, but I just couldn't let Jack go. I'm just an ordinary human, and maybe I'm selfish and a bit jealous. But if you were me, and you had Jack Harkness loving you, you wouldn't want to lose him either.
So I knew exactly what I had to do. I just had to hope that I could persuade the Doctor to agree to it too.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Title: Belonging - Chapter Sixteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Ianto, Jack, Ten
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for language and mentions of adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Parting of the Ways, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
You've been ever such a good boy recently, I do admit that. And I'm very fond of your hormones.
Chapter Sixteen
Hello. Ianto Jones here again. I'm sorry to take over Jack's journal like this, but as I said before, we all decided it would be a good idea if I could put my views across in writing.
I'm finding this a lot easier, I must say. It's easier to write down emotional stuff rather than say it out loud, isn't it? None of that blushing or stuttering. You can think about things properly before you write them down; you don't have to blurt them out and then realise you've said the wrong thing, or said it in the wrong tone of voice. And you don't have to be there when the person it's meant for is reading it.
I've spoken to Jack about the Weevil thing. At first, he laughed like a drain and when I finally got him to stop choking, he said it was funny because the Weevils had spoken to me in Welsh. I'm not sure why that's so hilarious, but it seemed to tickle him.
It was the TARDIS. I thought as much. Apparently her telepathic translation sensors, or whatever they are, have decided that Welsh is my first language, rather than English. Jack says it's either that or she's taking the piss. I'm not sure how a space/time machine can have a sense of humour, but there you are.
Jack is going to speak to the Doctor about why it's happening, but he had a smirk on his face, so I think he already knows and is just teasing me.
So, anyway. I'm going to put a title in here, because I like titles. They make what you are reading neater and easier to follow. Jack, take note.
Ianto's side of the story
I was jealous of the Doctor at first, yes, of course I was. Turning up the way he did, expecting Jack to just drop everything for him again. But even I could see how upset the Doctor was. No, upset is too mild a word. Devastated is how he was. Like his world had been ripped apart. And, considering what Jack has told me since about what he's been through over the last... whatever number of years, it's not surprising.
That sort of constant trauma, loss, whatever you want to call it, has to take its toll eventually, hasn't it? It would bring anyone down in the end, alien or human. Anyone with a heart, anyone with feelings, couldn't go on like that forever. And the Doctor has TWO hearts, so it must be even worse for him.
And then I began to feel a bit ashamed of myself, in a way. Like I was being churlish and a bit bunnyboiler-ish. (NB: not sure that's a real word).
So I encouraged Jack to spend time with him. Like he had done with me, after Lisa. But that's the thing with Jack. Once he gets a bee in his bonnet about something, everything else takes a backseat.
I could soon see that all he wanted to do was be with the Doctor. Be with him instead of me. Even though I was fairly sure there was nothing going on between them other than friendship, I could see that change in Jack's eyes again. And I started getting all irrational and jealous about the Doctor again.
So... then I did have a bit of a hissy fit about Jack neglecting me. I'm a bit embarrassed about that now. But after that, Jack saw sense, and I thought we'd be okay. (And I got a couple of romantic meals out of him, which is more than I'd usually get.)
I thought the Doctor just needed a bit of a time-out, that's all. Rest and relaxation can do wonders for the soul. And then… I thought he'd decide to go off travelling again, and things would go back to normal. Only, it didn't really work out like that.
The night that Jack and made up properly, I told him to spend the following evening with the Doctor, just to show how cool I was about the whole thing. Well, not just that. I could tell Jack was worried about leaving him on his own for long periods of time. And, if I'm honest, for some reason, I was pretty worried about the Doctor too. I didn't really know him, not like Jack did, but I knew he was special. He has this... indefinable thing about him.
And... I admit it, okay, I did fancy the Doctor. It's a bit difficult not to, really, only I could see that apart from how attractive he is, there was something different about him, this... innocence. Not child-like as such, because in all other ways he's so experienced and worldly wise (or should that be universely wise?), but he seemed sort of... naive. Like if you made a pass at him, he wouldn't know what you were on about.
Which, in a weird sort of way, is very attractive. Like... he'd be a bit of a challenge, know what I mean?
(Oh Jack, you are such a bad influence on me.)
Anyway, there was this thing between him and Rose, he'd practically confessed that he loved her, but didn't want to be with her because of the him not aging thing. But even then, most red-blooded males would have buckled eventually, wouldn't they? They'd at least have got a bit of snogging in, if not more. Most men, if they are handed it on a plate, would unfold the napkin, pick up the cutlery and get stuck in, wouldn't they? But not the Doctor. As handsome and foxy as he is, he always seemed a bit... sexless to me. Well, asexual is the proper word, I think. Maybe I can see it, because I'm not a permanently hormone-infused walking hard-on, like Jack.
Maybe that was a bit harsh of me. Sorry, Jack. You've been ever such a good boy recently, I do admit that. And I'm very fond of your hormones. And your hard-on.
So getting back to the story, that night, barely an hour or two after I'd left the Hub, I got a phone call from Jack. He sounded upset, and a bit confused, and said that he'd had a big fight with the Doctor and he didn't know what to do.
I wasn't that surprised. I knew it had been bubbling under for quite a while, and I bet I was the only one to see that coming, too.
I know what it's like, you see, to spend time with someone who's not quite well. It's like my grandma, when I was little, she was a bit senile. Not that I'm saying the Doctor is senile, but you know what I mean. She was a bit down and confused and not her usual self, to a much greater extent than the Doctor, of course, but it still amounts to the same thing. When you spend a lot of time with someone like that, constantly trying to make them feel better, it can get a bit much.
You tread on eggshells around them, because you know how easily they can get upset, or confused, or take what you say the wrong way or something. And after a while, it's wearing on the soul. No matter how much you love that person, no matter how much patience and understanding you think you have for them, one day they do something that annoys you, without even realising it, and you blow. It's pretty horrible, but sadly, very human.
So Jack came over to my flat, and... well, he told me about the CCTV thing.
How did I feel about it? I must admit, because we're being honest here, that my initial reaction was to feel a bit pleased, in a childish 'ha ha, your precious Doctor isn't quite so perfect after all' kind of way, because I'm not perfect either, of course. Which is probably why I laughed and called him a perv. But I didn't really believe that, or mean it.
I was quite calm and rational about the whole thing, because... well, because I believed the Doctor.
Was I surprised that Jack was so shocked by it? Not really.
When you have so much regard and respect for someone and they do something... well, maybe 'sordid' is the wrong word, but when they do something out of character, something that you feel is an insult to you or a betrayal of your trust... well, it hits you harder than it might if somebody else had done the same thing, doesn't it?
Especially when that someone has this aura of innocence and purity that you can't quite get your head round, and they do something... ordinary and human, and a bit disappointing.
And did I feel personally violated? I'm not sure. I put it to one side, I think, because I was more concerned about Jack at the time, but having thought about it again, I don't think I mind all that much. I was, after all, simply being used as a learning tool, and not an object of somebody's voyeuristic decadence. And... this was the Doctor. I know that shouldn't make any difference in the circumstances, but somehow... it does.
I can't pretend to understand it myself.
(And I think… maybe deep down… it was a bit kinky, in a way. And it gave me a teeny-weeny bit of a thrill to think about it afterwards.)
(Jack, you really are SUCH a bad influence.)
So then I was all 'grown-up' Ianto, and being all calm and rational (for once) and I felt quite pleased with myself, because it's usually Jack who is in charge, and Jack who does all the reassuring, at least it is when work is concerned. When it's just us, just me and Jack... I like to be the calming influence.
So there I was, being all cool about it, and about that kiss (which I accept Jack stopped before it went any further) and I told Jack that I thought the Doctor was confused, but it was clear that he loves Jack... and that Jack loves him. And he didn't deny it. He couldn't, could he? He used to be a really good liar, but I can mostly tell when he's lying these days, now that I know him so much better.
At the time though, and I know it sounds a bit weird, but although I knew I was right about the Doctor loving Jack, and I was being all reasonable about it, it didn't really hit me. The reality of it, I mean. When we got back to the Hub, and Jack told me that the TARDIS was gone, I was all anxious again. Concerned about Jack feeling so guilty and worried about the Doctor, and a bit worried about the Doctor myself, probably. And things were so tense, I just wanted everything to be alright again, so I put everything else to one side.
My gran always used to tell me, before she was ill, that I should never worry about more than one thing at a time.
A few nights later, the Doctor came back and he'd been through some sort of new trauma, and Jack was in a panic over him again, like a mother hen, and it was up to me to calm the stormy waters again.
And there was this big talk that Jack and the Doctor had to have, and I knew he'd be up for hours. I was pretty eager to find out what the whole thing was about, but I was bloody knackered, so I went to bed. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the middle of the night, and Jack is sitting on the edge of his tiny bed staring at the wall. Which, considering how small that hole he calls a bedroom is, was about a foot away from the end of his nose.
And I knew something was up. There was a different tone to his voice when he spoke to me, and this weird look in his eyes.
We made love that night, and even that felt different. I hope that was because he was a bit upset, and not because he was thinking about somebody else.
The next morning Jack was all moony over me in the shower, and then he sat me down and told me what the Doctor had said. It took ages. All that Time Lord bonding stuff… it made sense, I suppose. It explained why the Doctor is happy enough to be all huggy, but without there being any sexual connotation to it.
It's funny, in a way, because in that sense, he's the opposite of Jack. Jack's main motivation in life is sex. It always has been. I thought it was just him, but after having met John Hart, it seems that they're all like that in the future. Or maybe it's just Time Agents. Everybody in the future must be late for work every morning; they must stop to shag three people on the way wherever they go, not to mention having to cut their way through the thick smog of hormones and pheromones with a machete.
Jack isn't like anybody else I have ever met.
Jack is utterly amazing. He's... gobsmacking. Handsome isn't the word. You know in a movie when this gorgeous man or woman walks down the road, and the wind blows through their hair, and you hear the angels singing? And everybody's jaw drops open? Jack's like that. If he walks into the room, into a bar, say, practically every man and woman in there stops talking to stare at him. Even the straight men.
And he's got this... confidence. I suppose some people might not take to that, they might think him a bit cheesy, or egocentric, but he can certainly charm most of the birds out of most of the trees. He could have anybody he wants, and until fairly recently... he did.
That's what I can never get my head round, you see.
Jack is my boyfriend. CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS is going out with ME. He loves me. He says he does, and I think I believe him.
Me. Ordinary, dull Ianto Jones, whose teachers told him he would never amount to much.
I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm not much compared to Jack. I'm not special. I don't have his looks, or intelligence, or his charisma, or his courage. ~ Utter bollocks! - Jack.
So then, consider the Doctor. Another amazing, other-worldly hero. Famous throughout every galaxy, I understand. He's a legend. Some beings actually think he's a myth. He's saved the universe about a thousand times. And he has the wind-blowing, angels-singing thing going on too.
And he loves Jack. And Jack loves him back. Isn't it understandable that two such remarkable beings would want to be with each other?
So then, I come back to the story. I'm sat there, listening to what Jack is telling me with this... feeling of utter calm sweeping over me. Like I was resigned to what was about to happen.
Jack told me what the Doctor said about loving him, and wanting to bond with him, and I wasn't surprised, of course I wasn't.
Any minute now, I was thinking. Any moment now, and he's going to say, 'so.... sorry, Ianto. It's all over between us. I hope we can still be friends. It's not you, it's me', or some other bullshit that people tell their soon-to-be ex-partners.
But that didn't happen. Jack told me, in plain English, that he'd told the Doctor no. Because of me. Out of the two of us, he chose me.
And even though it's against his ideology, against his very nature to be monogamous, to promise not to cross a line that we had both agreed to (and true, it wasn't that strict, because I know that flirting and physical contact for Jack is as natural as breathing, but even so), Jack took that choice.
Because Jack loves me.
I still can't quite believe it, and I'm looking at the words. I've just written them down, and I'm staring at them, and they're true.
Bloody hell.
So, anyway, when he said that, it took a moment for it to sink in.
And then, once it had sunk in a bit, I began to realise what that meant for Jack. And I felt terrible. It was almost physically painful.
Jack was torn between the two people he loves most in the world. The two people who.. complete him, I suppose. I'm not sure what he sees in me, but there must be something I give him. A touch of humanity in a world filled with aliens? A point of stability in a crazy life filled with death and danger? My impeccable dress sense? My cleaning skills? My ability to make the best coffee in the world?
I do make the best coffee in the world.
Christ, I hope he doesn't love me just for the coffee.
And how long is it going to last? How long is it going to be before he starts resenting me for the choice he made? For having to make that choice? How long before he sees me getting old and grey, and panics, like he once did about Estelle?
How long before he starts to realise that out of me and the Doctor, with me he had a few years of decent coffee and a touch of humanity before I got too old for him to fancy anymore, but with the Doctor he could have had something wonderful for the rest of time, and because of his loyalty to me, he let that slip through his fingers?
Okay, maybe I'm being a bit self-depreciating. But even then. I knew.
Jack needed both me AND the Doctor. Like the two halves of his yin and yang.
And I was causing Jack pain. The pain of having to choose between us, the pain of having to live with only one half of what completed him. And the frustration too, the constant internal struggle to not cross that line we'd agreed.
It wasn't even as if the choice was something that had just happened. Yes, the Doctor had only just told him that he felt more than friendship for him, but that choice has always been there, hasn't it? Jack has always had to make the choice between being out in the stars with the Doctor, or being here in Cardiff with his team. With me.
I knew then that I couldn't do that to him. But I couldn't say it at the time. I had to just… get away, to sort out what I was feeling, because I didn't know how to say it to him.
And yes, I kept avoiding the issue, because it hurt. I couldn't stand to see Jack so unhappy, so confused and frustrated because... well, yes. Because of me. Well, okay, not just because of me. I'm not saying any of this is my fault. Or... anybody's fault, really. That's just the way life works out sometimes. Nothing is ever that simple.
And I know, eventually, that no matter how much Jack tries to control himself, there might come a time when he gives into temptation, and that would destroy us.
Jack was torn between me and the Doctor, but to cheat on me would make him feel terrible, I know that. He's loyal. But he's human.
And... he's Jack Harkness. He's an impossible thing.
There was an easy solution, of course. I could have let Jack go. The Doctor had done it. He'd let him go, he'd not made an issue of it, so as not to cause him any pain. And, really, if the Doctor had wanted to, he could have pushed it and I think Jack might have given in. Jack does practically everything the Doctor tells him to do.
I suppose I can see now that the Doctor just let Jack go because he didn't want to hurt me either, even though I didn't really mean that much to him back then. But that's what the Doctor is like. That's what he does. He sacrifices his own happiness, for the sake of others. And in a lot of ways, so does Jack.
I could have made it all so much easier for them both, I suppose, but I just couldn't let Jack go. I'm just an ordinary human, and maybe I'm selfish and a bit jealous. But if you were me, and you had Jack Harkness loving you, you wouldn't want to lose him either.
So I knew exactly what I had to do. I just had to hope that I could persuade the Doctor to agree to it too.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight