Belonging: Chapter Twelve
Author's Notes: Okay, I admit it… the last chapter was a bit of a tease. You might want to keep your shoes on for this one though, because it might just knock your socks off…
Sorry about all the continuity and 'Classic' Who stuff. I am such a geek...
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twelve
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack, Ten (mentions of One/OC, Nine/Rose, Doctor/River)
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for mentions of adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Parting of the Ways, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst | hurt/comfort | romance
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"…in the end, they just leave me on my own. They have their own lives. They all have someone else. Children… parents… lovers. What do I have, Jack?"
Chapter Twelve
"The Time Lords were a funny bunch," said the Doctor. I wasn't inclined to disagree with him.
"Think of it. This almighty civilisation. One of the oldest, most powerful and technologically advanced races in the universe. Legendary. Staid, dignified, vigilant and guarded to the end. Set of pompous stuffed old birds, most of them." He smiled wistfully.
He continued. "So, imagine the horribly embarrassing subject of sex and relationships. They decided, a very long time ago, that Time Lords couldn't just round having how's-your-father with whoever they wanted to, willy nilly. Oh no. Far too undignified and complicated."
"There's nothing complicated about fancying someone," I said, a little surprised. I fancy people all the time. Practically everybody, in fact. Back in my Time Agent days, I didn't practice that much self-restraint in that regard, either.
"Well, no, not in the usual sense. But imagine, for instance, that two Time Lords, or a Time Lord and a Time Lady, or… whatever… fall in love with each other. Then, one of them regenerates. The one who hasn't regenerated might not fancy their partner anymore. They might not even get on. They might no longer have anything in common. I mean, apart from the physical change, there's often a bit of a personality change involved as well."
I'd never thought of it like that. But then, I'd only known the Doctor in two different bodies, and I'd fancied both of them.
"Take for instance, a Time Lord like me," continued the Doctor, going into 'high speed prattle' mode, "…good-looking, amiable, charming, amusing, talented…"
"Modest… humble…" I continued for him, a twinkle in my eye.
"Well, quite," he said seriously, not noticing my gentle mockery, "and then, imagine, something happens, and BAM! They regenerate into somebody unattractive, sulky and unpleasant, with bad hair and terrible dress sense. Actually, I think I might have already had that body…"
"You mean, if that Time Lord were in a relationship, it would make things awkward between the couple involved."
"Well… yes."
"But… if that were the case, couldn't they just… break up?"
"Ah, but that would be undignified and difficult for everybody involved, wouldn't it? Might even cause the odd scandal. And the great, distinguished Time Lord society couldn't possibly cope with all that sort of tiresome unpleasantness." He sounded a little scathing.
"So what's the deal?"
The Doctor looked at me seriously. "Bonding."
"Bonding," I repeated solemnly. I raised my eyebrows in a 'more explanation please' gesture.
"When a Time Lord wants to… be with somebody, be their… partner, or whatever you want to call it, they can't just… you know. Do the normal human sort of thing. Flirt with them. Chat them up, that sort of thing. Well, they can, but it wouldn't get them very far."
"Okay."
"They have to… well, the first thing is to get to know them properly. You can't love someone without knowing them completely as a person."
"Fair enough, I guess." I said. "So I take it Time Lords don't do casual sex, then."
The Doctor looked slightly scandalised, and then sniggered like a schoolboy being told a rude joke. "No, not really."
So that was why he seemed so… asexual, as Ianto had said. Jeez.
"And then the next step," he said, recovering himself, "is, well, once your potential partner agrees, of course, is to bond with them."
"And that would entail…?"
"Well… there's a kind of… procedure. A mental, psychic connection has to be made. Relationships... well, sex... for Time Lords isn't just a physical thing. I mean, what would be the point of that?"
I coughed. "Maybe, for humans, it's good enough."
"So when there's no emotional, no psychological connection with somebody, the physical element is enough for you humans? You're telling me that meaningless sex with some random person is as good as when you have sex with Ianto? Or as good as when you were with Estelle?" The Doctor looked at me earnestly.
I sat back and let out a slow breath. I'd never really thought about that, either.
"No," I said simply. I could see his point. "Actually… no."
"Well, then. The next step for a Time Lord would be to bond with their chosen one. Telepathically, spiritually. Completely. It means creating an anchor with somebody, mentally and physically. It's… a commitment. Once bonded, you'll belong to your chosen partner, and they belong to you… until regeneration occurs."
"Then it just… ends?"
The Doctor nodded. "They would no longer be bonded, no."
"So, what if they still fancied the… new body of their former partner? Didn't want to split up?"
The Doctor shrugged. "No problem. You just… reconnect. You've already done the difficult part, the… getting to know each other. All you have to do is mentally bond again. But, if that couple is no longer compatible, there's no awkwardness, no indignity. It's taken as read that they are no longer bonded and they can go their separate ways, if that's what they want. Time Lords were always big on maintaining decorum."
"Wait a minute," I said incredulously. "You're saying the Time Lords just… came up with this? They just… decided that's how it should be from now on, and so there you are? I mean… it's not just a… rule, a decree, it's a physical characteristic. It's like them deciding 'from now on, everybody will have blue eyes' and then every Time Lord born from then on taking on that specific biological feature!"
The Doctor looked half-embarrassed, half-proud of his race. "The Time Lords were the first sentient life-form in the universe, Jack. Their evolutionary pattern created a morphogenetic field that resonated across the cosmos. They say that in the olden times, Rassilon himself seeded the universe with biogenic molecules, so that most intelligent species evolved into an appearance that approximated the Gallifreyan physical form."
"You're telling me that all humanoids in the universe aren't just humanoid by coincidence? That they just look like Time Lords… because the Time Lords made it happen that way?"
"In a sense, yes. You have no idea how powerful the Time Lords were, how much control they had over their own species' development, over their very DNA."
I breathed out slowly. "You make them sound like gods."
The Doctor stared at me, a faint smile playing on his lips. "Now, Jack. That would be ridiculous."
I gave a little shaky laugh. Yeah. Ridiculous.
The Doctor clapped his hands suddenly, making me jump.
"So. When a Time Lord wants to bond with somebody, first step is to get to know them."
"Right." I understood that much.
"Second step is to bond with them mentally. This forms an anchor with the person. And it's unbreakable. Even if they were apart, there would always be a connection between them. If ever one of them needed the other, really needed them, the other would know."
"So they would always have that security. Somewhere to belong."
The Doctor nodded. I was beginning to understand.
"And, of course," the Doctor continued, "once a Time Lord bonds with somebody, they can then have a physical, intimate relationship."
I blinked. "You mean… they can't before?"
The Doctor looked surprised. "No, of course not."
"Why?"
The Doctor shrugged. "They just… can't. It's not physically possible."
Involuntarily, my eyes glanced briefly at the Doctor's lap. "You mean… you can't…"
"Not physically possible," he repeated slowly, his eyebrow raised.
"But you do have… um…" I could feel my face reddening as I vaguely waved my hand towards his thighs.
"I have the necessary biological equipment, yes. I… er… well, yes. In every way you're probably thinking. But without being bonded with somebody, there's no…" he looked at a loss for words, as though the concept was so strange to him he didn't know how to phrase it.
I swallowed. "No… sexuality? No physical… need? No desire?"
"Quite." He was looking at me now, his hands folded primly in his lap.
"Wow." That concept was definitely strange to me.
So Ianto had been right all along.
I folded my arms and stared at him. I couldn’t quite believe it. "But… you flirt. You've kissed people."
He shrugged. "I'm not made of stone, Jack, like I once said. I'm perfectly capable of showing physical affection."
"But it's… false?"
The Doctor looked hurt. "Of course not!"
"Well, okay… it's genuine. But there's no sexual connotation."
"Well… no. Affectionate, of course. Friendly. Loving… yes. Absolutely."
"But you do… fancy people." I sounded almost accusatory.
He spread his hands. "I do, on occasion, as you put It, 'fancy' people, yes. Of course I find people attractive. How else would I know if I wanted to bond with someone? It's just the… sexual aspect that's missing. I can love, Jack. What's the point of anything without love?"
I shuffled uncomfortably. "That's why you never kissed Rose. Why you never…" I wanted to say 'tried it on' but that sounded kind of tacky. "Why you never pursued anything physical with her. Other than platonically, I mean."
"I wanted to," he said softly. "I wanted to give her that… I know she wanted it from me. But in the end… I just couldn't. She was everything to me. The… intimate part, that's all we didn't share. But if we'd bonded… watching her grow old… watching her die, how could I have lived with the pain of that, Jack?"
I nodded gently. Reached out and took his hand, and squeezed it comfortingly.
"I know," I said. "We've had this conversation before, remember? And remember how I said I knew how you felt? But how I had to learn from my mistakes?"
"Too late now." The Doctor smiled sadly. "The ironic thing is… I did bond with her. Just… briefly. And she never even knew."
My brow furrowed. "How?"
"Back on the Gamestation," he said gently. "Rose had absorbed the Time Vortex, from the TARDIS. The TARDIS is psychically linked to me. In many ways, my mind is in the TARDIS too. When she absorbed the Vortex, she took me into her mind too."
I hardly dared breathe.
He sounded pained. "It was killing her, Jack. It had turned her into… a Goddess. That's how she destroyed the Daleks, that's how she brought you back to life. She wanted you to live so badly, she made you live forever."
I nodded. I'd made peace with my immortality now. And it was hardly Rose's fault. In a way, I guess I should have felt flattered and honoured that Rose's love, loyalty and desire for me to live had been so strong that she hadn't known her own power's strength.
"But she couldn't handle it, her brain couldn't take it," the Doctor continued. "The Vortex was burning her up. I knew I had to take it all into my own body and transfer it back into the heart of the TARDIS, where it belonged. So I took the energy from her with a kiss. And the resulting psychic link between us was so powerful, just at that second… and… well, emotions were running a little high…"
"You bonded with her. Just at that moment."
He smiled bravely. "Yep. She didn't remember anything about it afterwards. And, of course, minutes later, I regenerated."
"And the bond was broken. Oh, Doctor. I'm so sorry."
I felt tears prick at my eyes, I felt so bad for him. He'd been so close. And she'd never even known.
"I could have reconnected the mental link, of course. But… I never told her about it. I never had the courage. She didn't remember anything about it, so…" he sighed. "I chickened out. I'm an old fool, Jack."
"No, you're not, Doctor. You're not." I didn't know what else to say.
We sat in silence for a moment, me thinking about what the Doctor had told me so far, and him just... brooding.
I suddenly had a curious thought.
"So… was Rose the first… I mean... ah. Did you ever… was there anybody else before her?"
The Doctor looked contemplative. "There have been a few I could have… well, we all have crushes, don't we? There was somebody in the Academy, once. We were both in the Prydonian Chapter. That's… a kind of college house within the Academy."
"Like a 'five points for Gryffindor' sort of thing?" I grinned.
The Doctor chuckled. "If only. Can you imagine if Hogwarts were real? It'd be brilliant!"
I cleared my throat. The Doctor had a tendency to digress, and I wasn't helping.
The Doctor seemed to remember what he'd been saying. "Anyway, yes. He was… I don't think he ever realised how I really felt about him. We were friends… but he was a bit clueless about the whole 'love' thing. He had too many plans, too many ideas to be bothered with that sort of thing. He was very… ambitious. And then… well, he left Gallifrey and I didn't see him again. Not for a long time, anyway. And by then, we'd both changed so much. Things were a bit… strained between us."
I frowned. "What was his name? Or… whatever title you Time Lords give yourselves. 'The Dentist'?" I laughed at my own joke.
The Doctor didn't smile. "We called him Koschei, back then." He looked a little ill at ease. My own smile faded, and I didn't pursue it.
The Doctor clasped his hands together, started examining his thumbs as he spoke in an abstract manner. "And then there was… well, there have been a few people I was very close to. Jo. Yeah. She ended up falling for a Welshman too. Is there something special about Welsh people?"
I smiled. "I guess there must be."
"And… um… oh, there was Romana. Especially her second body. We had some... moments." He was smiling a little. I smiled too, and let him prattle for a few moments. It was nice, in a way.
"Sarah Jane?" I offered.
"No… not really. I think the absolute world of her, of course, we've always had a special bond, but… not in that way. That sort of thing never really seemed… right. She was in love with me though, apparently. A long time ago." He looked a bit embarrassed.
"Who else?" I asked eagerly. This was turning in a proper girls' night in.
"Ummmm…. old Will Shakespeare. He was very flirty. Much more handsome than in his portraits. Oh, and Reinette. Ah, now there was a woman. She snogged me, you know." He sounded quite proud.
"You old dog," I said, with a grin.
"Yeah. If I'd have ended up having to take that slow path, I think we might have… hmm. Not sure the King of France would have been too pleased about that, mind. But then, in the end… Ah. She was so young. What a waste." He sounded sad again, now.
I cleared my throat. "So… have you ever actually bonded with anybody? I mean… ever?"
The Doctor looked down at his folded hands. "Once," he said, softly. "Oh… such a long time ago, Jack. So long ago I can barely remember it. It was back on Gallifrey, back when I was young. Still in my first body. And even that was still young. Blimey."
He sounded so sad. "We were happy," he murmured. "We had kids, and everything."
I felt my mouth fall open. "You had... children?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yep. All gone now, of course. She...they all died. Well, everyone's gone now. But back then… yeah. It was... hard. It took me a long time to even think I'd ever… ever want to find anybody else. So long. Centuries." He was gazing into thin air again, contemplatively.
I wanted to hear more, but I didn't think I should press him any further about it. I didn't know what to say to him.
He seemed to brighten, but I suspected it was false. "I had a granddaughter too. Susan. Well, that wasn't her real name, of course, but that's the human name she adopted. There was an… incident… and well, I'd had enough of it all, back on Gallifrey. It was all so…. stagnant. Corrupt. I wanted to see the stars. I wanted to see what was out there, I wanted to live. So Susan and I we… scarpered." He smiled at the memory.
"There was nothing left for us there. So we started travelling. Susan was desperate to see Earth; she was obsessed with the place. Turned out that I became rather fond of it myself."
I smiled. "I'm glad you did, or I'd never have met you. You'd never have done all that good work. Good thing you owned a TARDIS, then."
The Doctor looked shifty. "Yeah… well, to be honest, it was sort of… borrowed. You know… permanently borrowed." He cleared his throat.
I barked out a shocked peal of laughter. "Grand theft TARDIS? You old rogue!"
The Doctor scratched his ear. "So… yes… me and Susan. We had some good times, you know. That's where the travelling bug bit me. I've done it ever since."
"And Susan?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yeah. She… found somebody to bond with. A human. Nice chap. I knew she'd be happy. So… I just… left her to it, really."
He'd left her to live her own life, kept on moving and never looked back. He'd never really changed, had he? And there was still so much about him I'd probably never know.
"And the rest… as they say…" I smiled warmly at the Doctor. I wanted to make the conversation a little lighter. The Doctor found this kind of stuff painful to talk about, I knew.
"And then… there's River." The Doctor mused.
"Who?"
"River Song. She's…" he sighed. "Well, I don't really know her. Only met her the once. And if I stay here, at Torchwood, forever… it will only ever be the once."
"She's in your future," I realised. Then the actuality of what he'd just said hit me.
"You're bonded to somebody? In your future?"
Was I a little envious?
"In my possible future," corrected the Doctor. "My future timeline is in flux, Jack. Well, most people's are. I mean, if my timeline was locked, and I knew for certain I was still around in a thousand years, I'd have no fear of death, would I?"
Just like me.
"That's why I don't hold with spoilers. So much can change. The future can be changed. I could die tomorrow, and then… well, future events that might have happened otherwise would just go back and correct themselves. Like in that film, 'Back to the Future'," he added knowingly, looking a little proud of his extensive knowledge of popular media on Earth in the 1980s.
"And she's human?"
The Doctor looked confused. "I think so. She's an archaeologist. With time travelling abilities. That's all I know about her, really."
"So then how do you know you're bonded?"
The Doctor looked serious. "There are… signs. Trust me."
"And is she hot?" I grinned.
The Doctor grinned back, looking a little bashful. "Oh, I should say. A very handsome woman, yes."
"So then… in your future, your possible future," I said, "you take my advice."
The Doctor looked surprised. "I do?"
"Yes! About having relationships with humans. You stop worrying about losing them, and just enjoy the time you have together."
He raised his eyebrows. "I suppose I must."
I nodded. "Which means this is what was always meant to happen. You coming here. It was me who changed your mind."
He shrugged. "Not necessarily."
"But don't you want to find out? You're still determined to stay here, hiding away? Willing to change your future timeline and never meet her again?"
The Doctor stood up suddenly. I tried not to look as the dressing gown swished about and revealed a little more than might be considered modest. He started pacing the garden, a little agitatedly.
"It's not that I don't want to get back out there into the universe, Jack. I just... I'm not ready for it. This… this old head of mine," he tapped at his forehead. "It's not… I don't know what to do. I can't think… I can't…" his voice sounded strained.
I stood up too, took him into my arms and shushed him.
"I'm broken," he said softly, next to my ear. "I don't work properly any more."
He grabbed my shoulders, pulled himself back and looked at me. "I should be out there, shouldn't I, Jack? Travelling amongst the stars. Helping people."
I looked down. The answer should have been an immediate 'yes', I know, but there was a part of me that didn't want to lose him. A part of me that was scared for him.
"Yes, you should, Doctor. But not yet. Not if you're not well. Not if you're going to be out there alone, and…"
He shook his head, pulled away from me and continued his pacing.
"It's like… my synapses aren't firing properly. One minute I feel alright, the next I'm angry about everything, the next I want to just curl up and hide away… it's like somebody shook me and everything got jumbled up inside." He clutched at his hair, frustrated.
It's just good old fashioned 'depression', Doc. I didn't dare say it.
"Part of me wants… needs to be out there, Jack." He stopped suddenly and stood there, just a pale, tired-looking man in a blue dressing gown. His brown eyes turned to me.
"Part of me wants to run. That part of me that always kept me running."
I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it gently. He was still looking at me. There was something in his eyes, and I couldn't work out what it was.
"But part of me is sick of running. Sick of being lonely. Part of me wants somewhere to call home, even if it's just somewhere to visit now and then. I don't have that, not anymore. Gallifrey's gone."
I nodded sympathetically.
"I have all these friends… this… adopted family. But in the end, they just leave me on my own. They have their own lives. They all have someone else. Children… parents… lovers. What do I have, Jack? Who do I have?"
"Me," I said softly.
"But I don't… belong. To anywhere. To anyone. I don't know when I'll meet River. It might be in hundreds of years! I can't wait that long. She might be what I need, but I can't go out there until I'm better, and until I do, I'll never meet her. So it's like… a vicious square."
"Circle," I murmured.
"See? I can't even remember common English axioms!"
He ran his fingers through his hair again. Now it was standing on end. "It's you, Jack. I don't know what made me come here, to Torchwood. I just… I didn't want to be alone. And out of everyone, everybody I could have turned to, I chose you." He nodded. "I'm glad I did," he added, almost to himself.
I smiled.
"And then, when I'd been here a while… well, the TARDIS knew. She reached out and found you. Started doing little favours for you."
"The TARDIS likes me…" I said, remembering.
The Doctor smiled. "Yes. Of course! We're linked together, the old girl and me. She was trying to tell me that you're the one. She was always so clever…"
"But why me? I mean… I know what you're saying. That having that anchor… somewhere to belong. It will give you… I don't know. Something to cling to."
"Yes. If I have that link, I'll never be alone again, will I? I think it will… make me whole. That's it, Jack. That's it, that's why I'm broken. It's like… I'm not complete. There's… something missing. Like... a broken link in the circuit. I made a mistake, letting Rose go. She made me better, once. Maybe loving her properly would have fixed me again. Too late now, too late. Always been too late recently, too late for everything. Just... can't get things right. Stupid. I even get time wrong. And me a Time Lord!" He'd started pacing again as he muttered. He sounded a little out of control, like he had when he first came to the Hub.
I tensed, ready to grab him if I needed to.
"It's got to be you, Jack. You won't get old, you won't die. You'll never leave me, will you?" He turned to me. He was getting upset again. "I need to belong, Jack. Can't I belong to you?"
"Is that the only reason you want it to be me, Doctor? Because I'm the only one that won't grow old and leave you?"
"No…" the Doctor shook his head. "It's not just that. All that time we've spent together, everything we've been through…"
"Of course. Of course that's made us close. But is that enough for you?"
The Doctor glared at me. "Oh, Jack. Am I really so terrible at showing my emotions, or are you just a bit thick?"
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
"Oh, Jack. You idiot..." he had a big soppy smile on his face now.
I stared at him, my heart beating so fast I could feel it hammering against my ribcage.
The Doctor reached out and took hold of my hand. I clutched at it painfully hard. He swallowed and took a deep breath.
"Captain Jack Harkness... I love you," he said. His eyes were wide and shining.
Then he looked down at the floor and grinned, as in revelling in a personal victory. He looked at me triumphantly.
"There. I said it. Hah!"
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
>> Chapter Thirteen
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Sorry about all the continuity and 'Classic' Who stuff. I am such a geek...
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twelve
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack, Ten (mentions of One/OC, Nine/Rose, Doctor/River)
Rating: This Chapter - PG-13 for mentions of adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: DW: Parting of the Ways, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst | hurt/comfort | romance
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"…in the end, they just leave me on my own. They have their own lives. They all have someone else. Children… parents… lovers. What do I have, Jack?"
Chapter Twelve
"The Time Lords were a funny bunch," said the Doctor. I wasn't inclined to disagree with him.
"Think of it. This almighty civilisation. One of the oldest, most powerful and technologically advanced races in the universe. Legendary. Staid, dignified, vigilant and guarded to the end. Set of pompous stuffed old birds, most of them." He smiled wistfully.
He continued. "So, imagine the horribly embarrassing subject of sex and relationships. They decided, a very long time ago, that Time Lords couldn't just round having how's-your-father with whoever they wanted to, willy nilly. Oh no. Far too undignified and complicated."
"There's nothing complicated about fancying someone," I said, a little surprised. I fancy people all the time. Practically everybody, in fact. Back in my Time Agent days, I didn't practice that much self-restraint in that regard, either.
"Well, no, not in the usual sense. But imagine, for instance, that two Time Lords, or a Time Lord and a Time Lady, or… whatever… fall in love with each other. Then, one of them regenerates. The one who hasn't regenerated might not fancy their partner anymore. They might not even get on. They might no longer have anything in common. I mean, apart from the physical change, there's often a bit of a personality change involved as well."
I'd never thought of it like that. But then, I'd only known the Doctor in two different bodies, and I'd fancied both of them.
"Take for instance, a Time Lord like me," continued the Doctor, going into 'high speed prattle' mode, "…good-looking, amiable, charming, amusing, talented…"
"Modest… humble…" I continued for him, a twinkle in my eye.
"Well, quite," he said seriously, not noticing my gentle mockery, "and then, imagine, something happens, and BAM! They regenerate into somebody unattractive, sulky and unpleasant, with bad hair and terrible dress sense. Actually, I think I might have already had that body…"
"You mean, if that Time Lord were in a relationship, it would make things awkward between the couple involved."
"Well… yes."
"But… if that were the case, couldn't they just… break up?"
"Ah, but that would be undignified and difficult for everybody involved, wouldn't it? Might even cause the odd scandal. And the great, distinguished Time Lord society couldn't possibly cope with all that sort of tiresome unpleasantness." He sounded a little scathing.
"So what's the deal?"
The Doctor looked at me seriously. "Bonding."
"Bonding," I repeated solemnly. I raised my eyebrows in a 'more explanation please' gesture.
"When a Time Lord wants to… be with somebody, be their… partner, or whatever you want to call it, they can't just… you know. Do the normal human sort of thing. Flirt with them. Chat them up, that sort of thing. Well, they can, but it wouldn't get them very far."
"Okay."
"They have to… well, the first thing is to get to know them properly. You can't love someone without knowing them completely as a person."
"Fair enough, I guess." I said. "So I take it Time Lords don't do casual sex, then."
The Doctor looked slightly scandalised, and then sniggered like a schoolboy being told a rude joke. "No, not really."
So that was why he seemed so… asexual, as Ianto had said. Jeez.
"And then the next step," he said, recovering himself, "is, well, once your potential partner agrees, of course, is to bond with them."
"And that would entail…?"
"Well… there's a kind of… procedure. A mental, psychic connection has to be made. Relationships... well, sex... for Time Lords isn't just a physical thing. I mean, what would be the point of that?"
I coughed. "Maybe, for humans, it's good enough."
"So when there's no emotional, no psychological connection with somebody, the physical element is enough for you humans? You're telling me that meaningless sex with some random person is as good as when you have sex with Ianto? Or as good as when you were with Estelle?" The Doctor looked at me earnestly.
I sat back and let out a slow breath. I'd never really thought about that, either.
"No," I said simply. I could see his point. "Actually… no."
"Well, then. The next step for a Time Lord would be to bond with their chosen one. Telepathically, spiritually. Completely. It means creating an anchor with somebody, mentally and physically. It's… a commitment. Once bonded, you'll belong to your chosen partner, and they belong to you… until regeneration occurs."
"Then it just… ends?"
The Doctor nodded. "They would no longer be bonded, no."
"So, what if they still fancied the… new body of their former partner? Didn't want to split up?"
The Doctor shrugged. "No problem. You just… reconnect. You've already done the difficult part, the… getting to know each other. All you have to do is mentally bond again. But, if that couple is no longer compatible, there's no awkwardness, no indignity. It's taken as read that they are no longer bonded and they can go their separate ways, if that's what they want. Time Lords were always big on maintaining decorum."
"Wait a minute," I said incredulously. "You're saying the Time Lords just… came up with this? They just… decided that's how it should be from now on, and so there you are? I mean… it's not just a… rule, a decree, it's a physical characteristic. It's like them deciding 'from now on, everybody will have blue eyes' and then every Time Lord born from then on taking on that specific biological feature!"
The Doctor looked half-embarrassed, half-proud of his race. "The Time Lords were the first sentient life-form in the universe, Jack. Their evolutionary pattern created a morphogenetic field that resonated across the cosmos. They say that in the olden times, Rassilon himself seeded the universe with biogenic molecules, so that most intelligent species evolved into an appearance that approximated the Gallifreyan physical form."
"You're telling me that all humanoids in the universe aren't just humanoid by coincidence? That they just look like Time Lords… because the Time Lords made it happen that way?"
"In a sense, yes. You have no idea how powerful the Time Lords were, how much control they had over their own species' development, over their very DNA."
I breathed out slowly. "You make them sound like gods."
The Doctor stared at me, a faint smile playing on his lips. "Now, Jack. That would be ridiculous."
I gave a little shaky laugh. Yeah. Ridiculous.
The Doctor clapped his hands suddenly, making me jump.
"So. When a Time Lord wants to bond with somebody, first step is to get to know them."
"Right." I understood that much.
"Second step is to bond with them mentally. This forms an anchor with the person. And it's unbreakable. Even if they were apart, there would always be a connection between them. If ever one of them needed the other, really needed them, the other would know."
"So they would always have that security. Somewhere to belong."
The Doctor nodded. I was beginning to understand.
"And, of course," the Doctor continued, "once a Time Lord bonds with somebody, they can then have a physical, intimate relationship."
I blinked. "You mean… they can't before?"
The Doctor looked surprised. "No, of course not."
"Why?"
The Doctor shrugged. "They just… can't. It's not physically possible."
Involuntarily, my eyes glanced briefly at the Doctor's lap. "You mean… you can't…"
"Not physically possible," he repeated slowly, his eyebrow raised.
"But you do have… um…" I could feel my face reddening as I vaguely waved my hand towards his thighs.
"I have the necessary biological equipment, yes. I… er… well, yes. In every way you're probably thinking. But without being bonded with somebody, there's no…" he looked at a loss for words, as though the concept was so strange to him he didn't know how to phrase it.
I swallowed. "No… sexuality? No physical… need? No desire?"
"Quite." He was looking at me now, his hands folded primly in his lap.
"Wow." That concept was definitely strange to me.
So Ianto had been right all along.
I folded my arms and stared at him. I couldn’t quite believe it. "But… you flirt. You've kissed people."
He shrugged. "I'm not made of stone, Jack, like I once said. I'm perfectly capable of showing physical affection."
"But it's… false?"
The Doctor looked hurt. "Of course not!"
"Well, okay… it's genuine. But there's no sexual connotation."
"Well… no. Affectionate, of course. Friendly. Loving… yes. Absolutely."
"But you do… fancy people." I sounded almost accusatory.
He spread his hands. "I do, on occasion, as you put It, 'fancy' people, yes. Of course I find people attractive. How else would I know if I wanted to bond with someone? It's just the… sexual aspect that's missing. I can love, Jack. What's the point of anything without love?"
I shuffled uncomfortably. "That's why you never kissed Rose. Why you never…" I wanted to say 'tried it on' but that sounded kind of tacky. "Why you never pursued anything physical with her. Other than platonically, I mean."
"I wanted to," he said softly. "I wanted to give her that… I know she wanted it from me. But in the end… I just couldn't. She was everything to me. The… intimate part, that's all we didn't share. But if we'd bonded… watching her grow old… watching her die, how could I have lived with the pain of that, Jack?"
I nodded gently. Reached out and took his hand, and squeezed it comfortingly.
"I know," I said. "We've had this conversation before, remember? And remember how I said I knew how you felt? But how I had to learn from my mistakes?"
"Too late now." The Doctor smiled sadly. "The ironic thing is… I did bond with her. Just… briefly. And she never even knew."
My brow furrowed. "How?"
"Back on the Gamestation," he said gently. "Rose had absorbed the Time Vortex, from the TARDIS. The TARDIS is psychically linked to me. In many ways, my mind is in the TARDIS too. When she absorbed the Vortex, she took me into her mind too."
I hardly dared breathe.
He sounded pained. "It was killing her, Jack. It had turned her into… a Goddess. That's how she destroyed the Daleks, that's how she brought you back to life. She wanted you to live so badly, she made you live forever."
I nodded. I'd made peace with my immortality now. And it was hardly Rose's fault. In a way, I guess I should have felt flattered and honoured that Rose's love, loyalty and desire for me to live had been so strong that she hadn't known her own power's strength.
"But she couldn't handle it, her brain couldn't take it," the Doctor continued. "The Vortex was burning her up. I knew I had to take it all into my own body and transfer it back into the heart of the TARDIS, where it belonged. So I took the energy from her with a kiss. And the resulting psychic link between us was so powerful, just at that second… and… well, emotions were running a little high…"
"You bonded with her. Just at that moment."
He smiled bravely. "Yep. She didn't remember anything about it afterwards. And, of course, minutes later, I regenerated."
"And the bond was broken. Oh, Doctor. I'm so sorry."
I felt tears prick at my eyes, I felt so bad for him. He'd been so close. And she'd never even known.
"I could have reconnected the mental link, of course. But… I never told her about it. I never had the courage. She didn't remember anything about it, so…" he sighed. "I chickened out. I'm an old fool, Jack."
"No, you're not, Doctor. You're not." I didn't know what else to say.
We sat in silence for a moment, me thinking about what the Doctor had told me so far, and him just... brooding.
I suddenly had a curious thought.
"So… was Rose the first… I mean... ah. Did you ever… was there anybody else before her?"
The Doctor looked contemplative. "There have been a few I could have… well, we all have crushes, don't we? There was somebody in the Academy, once. We were both in the Prydonian Chapter. That's… a kind of college house within the Academy."
"Like a 'five points for Gryffindor' sort of thing?" I grinned.
The Doctor chuckled. "If only. Can you imagine if Hogwarts were real? It'd be brilliant!"
I cleared my throat. The Doctor had a tendency to digress, and I wasn't helping.
The Doctor seemed to remember what he'd been saying. "Anyway, yes. He was… I don't think he ever realised how I really felt about him. We were friends… but he was a bit clueless about the whole 'love' thing. He had too many plans, too many ideas to be bothered with that sort of thing. He was very… ambitious. And then… well, he left Gallifrey and I didn't see him again. Not for a long time, anyway. And by then, we'd both changed so much. Things were a bit… strained between us."
I frowned. "What was his name? Or… whatever title you Time Lords give yourselves. 'The Dentist'?" I laughed at my own joke.
The Doctor didn't smile. "We called him Koschei, back then." He looked a little ill at ease. My own smile faded, and I didn't pursue it.
The Doctor clasped his hands together, started examining his thumbs as he spoke in an abstract manner. "And then there was… well, there have been a few people I was very close to. Jo. Yeah. She ended up falling for a Welshman too. Is there something special about Welsh people?"
I smiled. "I guess there must be."
"And… um… oh, there was Romana. Especially her second body. We had some... moments." He was smiling a little. I smiled too, and let him prattle for a few moments. It was nice, in a way.
"Sarah Jane?" I offered.
"No… not really. I think the absolute world of her, of course, we've always had a special bond, but… not in that way. That sort of thing never really seemed… right. She was in love with me though, apparently. A long time ago." He looked a bit embarrassed.
"Who else?" I asked eagerly. This was turning in a proper girls' night in.
"Ummmm…. old Will Shakespeare. He was very flirty. Much more handsome than in his portraits. Oh, and Reinette. Ah, now there was a woman. She snogged me, you know." He sounded quite proud.
"You old dog," I said, with a grin.
"Yeah. If I'd have ended up having to take that slow path, I think we might have… hmm. Not sure the King of France would have been too pleased about that, mind. But then, in the end… Ah. She was so young. What a waste." He sounded sad again, now.
I cleared my throat. "So… have you ever actually bonded with anybody? I mean… ever?"
The Doctor looked down at his folded hands. "Once," he said, softly. "Oh… such a long time ago, Jack. So long ago I can barely remember it. It was back on Gallifrey, back when I was young. Still in my first body. And even that was still young. Blimey."
He sounded so sad. "We were happy," he murmured. "We had kids, and everything."
I felt my mouth fall open. "You had... children?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yep. All gone now, of course. She...they all died. Well, everyone's gone now. But back then… yeah. It was... hard. It took me a long time to even think I'd ever… ever want to find anybody else. So long. Centuries." He was gazing into thin air again, contemplatively.
I wanted to hear more, but I didn't think I should press him any further about it. I didn't know what to say to him.
He seemed to brighten, but I suspected it was false. "I had a granddaughter too. Susan. Well, that wasn't her real name, of course, but that's the human name she adopted. There was an… incident… and well, I'd had enough of it all, back on Gallifrey. It was all so…. stagnant. Corrupt. I wanted to see the stars. I wanted to see what was out there, I wanted to live. So Susan and I we… scarpered." He smiled at the memory.
"There was nothing left for us there. So we started travelling. Susan was desperate to see Earth; she was obsessed with the place. Turned out that I became rather fond of it myself."
I smiled. "I'm glad you did, or I'd never have met you. You'd never have done all that good work. Good thing you owned a TARDIS, then."
The Doctor looked shifty. "Yeah… well, to be honest, it was sort of… borrowed. You know… permanently borrowed." He cleared his throat.
I barked out a shocked peal of laughter. "Grand theft TARDIS? You old rogue!"
The Doctor scratched his ear. "So… yes… me and Susan. We had some good times, you know. That's where the travelling bug bit me. I've done it ever since."
"And Susan?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yeah. She… found somebody to bond with. A human. Nice chap. I knew she'd be happy. So… I just… left her to it, really."
He'd left her to live her own life, kept on moving and never looked back. He'd never really changed, had he? And there was still so much about him I'd probably never know.
"And the rest… as they say…" I smiled warmly at the Doctor. I wanted to make the conversation a little lighter. The Doctor found this kind of stuff painful to talk about, I knew.
"And then… there's River." The Doctor mused.
"Who?"
"River Song. She's…" he sighed. "Well, I don't really know her. Only met her the once. And if I stay here, at Torchwood, forever… it will only ever be the once."
"She's in your future," I realised. Then the actuality of what he'd just said hit me.
"You're bonded to somebody? In your future?"
Was I a little envious?
"In my possible future," corrected the Doctor. "My future timeline is in flux, Jack. Well, most people's are. I mean, if my timeline was locked, and I knew for certain I was still around in a thousand years, I'd have no fear of death, would I?"
Just like me.
"That's why I don't hold with spoilers. So much can change. The future can be changed. I could die tomorrow, and then… well, future events that might have happened otherwise would just go back and correct themselves. Like in that film, 'Back to the Future'," he added knowingly, looking a little proud of his extensive knowledge of popular media on Earth in the 1980s.
"And she's human?"
The Doctor looked confused. "I think so. She's an archaeologist. With time travelling abilities. That's all I know about her, really."
"So then how do you know you're bonded?"
The Doctor looked serious. "There are… signs. Trust me."
"And is she hot?" I grinned.
The Doctor grinned back, looking a little bashful. "Oh, I should say. A very handsome woman, yes."
"So then… in your future, your possible future," I said, "you take my advice."
The Doctor looked surprised. "I do?"
"Yes! About having relationships with humans. You stop worrying about losing them, and just enjoy the time you have together."
He raised his eyebrows. "I suppose I must."
I nodded. "Which means this is what was always meant to happen. You coming here. It was me who changed your mind."
He shrugged. "Not necessarily."
"But don't you want to find out? You're still determined to stay here, hiding away? Willing to change your future timeline and never meet her again?"
The Doctor stood up suddenly. I tried not to look as the dressing gown swished about and revealed a little more than might be considered modest. He started pacing the garden, a little agitatedly.
"It's not that I don't want to get back out there into the universe, Jack. I just... I'm not ready for it. This… this old head of mine," he tapped at his forehead. "It's not… I don't know what to do. I can't think… I can't…" his voice sounded strained.
I stood up too, took him into my arms and shushed him.
"I'm broken," he said softly, next to my ear. "I don't work properly any more."
He grabbed my shoulders, pulled himself back and looked at me. "I should be out there, shouldn't I, Jack? Travelling amongst the stars. Helping people."
I looked down. The answer should have been an immediate 'yes', I know, but there was a part of me that didn't want to lose him. A part of me that was scared for him.
"Yes, you should, Doctor. But not yet. Not if you're not well. Not if you're going to be out there alone, and…"
He shook his head, pulled away from me and continued his pacing.
"It's like… my synapses aren't firing properly. One minute I feel alright, the next I'm angry about everything, the next I want to just curl up and hide away… it's like somebody shook me and everything got jumbled up inside." He clutched at his hair, frustrated.
It's just good old fashioned 'depression', Doc. I didn't dare say it.
"Part of me wants… needs to be out there, Jack." He stopped suddenly and stood there, just a pale, tired-looking man in a blue dressing gown. His brown eyes turned to me.
"Part of me wants to run. That part of me that always kept me running."
I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder, and squeezed it gently. He was still looking at me. There was something in his eyes, and I couldn't work out what it was.
"But part of me is sick of running. Sick of being lonely. Part of me wants somewhere to call home, even if it's just somewhere to visit now and then. I don't have that, not anymore. Gallifrey's gone."
I nodded sympathetically.
"I have all these friends… this… adopted family. But in the end, they just leave me on my own. They have their own lives. They all have someone else. Children… parents… lovers. What do I have, Jack? Who do I have?"
"Me," I said softly.
"But I don't… belong. To anywhere. To anyone. I don't know when I'll meet River. It might be in hundreds of years! I can't wait that long. She might be what I need, but I can't go out there until I'm better, and until I do, I'll never meet her. So it's like… a vicious square."
"Circle," I murmured.
"See? I can't even remember common English axioms!"
He ran his fingers through his hair again. Now it was standing on end. "It's you, Jack. I don't know what made me come here, to Torchwood. I just… I didn't want to be alone. And out of everyone, everybody I could have turned to, I chose you." He nodded. "I'm glad I did," he added, almost to himself.
I smiled.
"And then, when I'd been here a while… well, the TARDIS knew. She reached out and found you. Started doing little favours for you."
"The TARDIS likes me…" I said, remembering.
The Doctor smiled. "Yes. Of course! We're linked together, the old girl and me. She was trying to tell me that you're the one. She was always so clever…"
"But why me? I mean… I know what you're saying. That having that anchor… somewhere to belong. It will give you… I don't know. Something to cling to."
"Yes. If I have that link, I'll never be alone again, will I? I think it will… make me whole. That's it, Jack. That's it, that's why I'm broken. It's like… I'm not complete. There's… something missing. Like... a broken link in the circuit. I made a mistake, letting Rose go. She made me better, once. Maybe loving her properly would have fixed me again. Too late now, too late. Always been too late recently, too late for everything. Just... can't get things right. Stupid. I even get time wrong. And me a Time Lord!" He'd started pacing again as he muttered. He sounded a little out of control, like he had when he first came to the Hub.
I tensed, ready to grab him if I needed to.
"It's got to be you, Jack. You won't get old, you won't die. You'll never leave me, will you?" He turned to me. He was getting upset again. "I need to belong, Jack. Can't I belong to you?"
"Is that the only reason you want it to be me, Doctor? Because I'm the only one that won't grow old and leave you?"
"No…" the Doctor shook his head. "It's not just that. All that time we've spent together, everything we've been through…"
"Of course. Of course that's made us close. But is that enough for you?"
The Doctor glared at me. "Oh, Jack. Am I really so terrible at showing my emotions, or are you just a bit thick?"
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
"Oh, Jack. You idiot..." he had a big soppy smile on his face now.
I stared at him, my heart beating so fast I could feel it hammering against my ribcage.
The Doctor reached out and took hold of my hand. I clutched at it painfully hard. He swallowed and took a deep breath.
"Captain Jack Harkness... I love you," he said. His eyes were wide and shining.
Then he looked down at the floor and grinned, as in revelling in a personal victory. He looked at me triumphantly.
"There. I said it. Hah!"
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
>> Chapter Thirteen
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight