Belonging: Chapter Twenty Four
Author's Note: Okay, here is your final offering of 2008; Chapter 25 will appear in the New Year. Enjoy the Christmas Special (and while you are watching it, just think about how you know what the Doctor has been up to since the end of Season 4, heh heh...)
Wishing you all happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate, and thank you, faithful readers, for your overwhelming support throughout the first 24 chapters of this series. Ruthy xxx
As for this chapter, there are some fairly explicit dark themes at the start, so if that upsets you please skip the first section. Oh and…there was no need to worry about Mr Jones after all, see? ;-)
FINALLY please don't forget that you can still vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards under Torchwood Dark/Angst, Torchwood Series and/or Torchwood WIP. Voting ends on 25th December!
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Four
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ten, Ianto/Ten (implied Ten/Master)
Rating: This Chapter - R for language, adult situations and dark themes (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: TW: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Adam / DW: The Sound of Drums, Last of the Time Lords, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: darkfic (references to torture/character death) | m/m slash | polyamory | angst | hurt/comfort
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
I want to kill him. Watch him regenerate, and then kill him again.
Chapter Twenty Four
Every part of my body hurts.
There's nothing in the world except agony, and the sound of him laughing in my face.
Don't show him how much it hurts; don't let him see you do so much as grit your teeth.
But Christ, it hurts so much!
"Poor handsome Jack, he's such a brave boy," he coos mockingly, and his voice is the hiss of a poisonous snake. "All you have to do is say my name." He's smirking.
I want him dead. I should have broken his neck when I had the chance. I want to kill him. Watch him regenerate, and then kill him again.
"Just say my name," he purrs, "and I'll make the pain stop for today."
"Saxon. Harold," I say, as cheerily as I can. "Hey, we're friends now, right? Maybe I could start calling you Harry." I even manage to smile.
Another slow, deep drag of the knife edge across my flesh, and I can’t help crying out.
Oh, that hurts…
I can hear someone crying. Just out of my line of vision. A woman. Lucy? As if she'd cry over me. Francine? No, Tish. Poor girl, she hates this. It must be the time of day for her to bring the son of a bitch his afternoon cup of tea.
He does love his daily routine. So much to do. Busy, busy.
"Oh, come on, Jack. We've been doing this for hours! But you're so much fun, good Captain. I could play with you all day…" He runs a leather-gloved hand down my face, almost fondly, and I swallow down bile.
"Tell me my name, Freak. Just call me Master, and I'll stop hurting you. Go on… just say it…" he cajoles.
Won't break. Not now, not ever.
I haven't got enough breath to speak just now, so I just glare at him with as much hatred in my eyes as I can muster.
Another slow, lingering cut. I groan weakly, but it's really not so bad this time; my adrenaline is waning and I'm feeling woozy now. Makes the pain seem far away.
I can feel warm fluid running down my chest, down my legs. I look down, panting. There's a red pool around my feet. He'll make Clive Jones mop it up afterwards.
Shouldn't have looked down, now the room's spinning. It's making me feel nauseous, even though there's nothing in my stomach.
"Go on then, one last chance. But you know the rules of the game. If you don't say it, I kill you, and we start all over again. Ooh, I love that, a clean slate every time…"
I manage to focus on his face.
"Fuck you." I speak very distinctly for someone with so little blood left in their veins. Yep. Happy with that. The smile on my face is little more than a grimace, probably, but it works. He looks pissed off. Yeah. Works for me.
"Never mind, Jacky-boy. We'll just keep trying, eh?" He picks up a towel from the steel trolley at his side, and wipes my blood off his black leather gloves. He wears the expression of a child who hates his hands being sticky.
"When you come back, we'll move on to something less messy. Hmm… electrodes, I think." He talks casually, as though we're discussing the weather. "See you in a little while, then. Oh… before I forget, I have a gift for you…"
There's a pause, and then he holds something up in front of my eyes. I can't see very well, I can feel the familiar darkness closing in now, but when the lines resolve themselves into recognisable shapes, when the truth begins to seep through the fuzziness of what was my mind an hour or two ago, I realise that nothing matters now.
I haven't the determination to stand up straight anymore. I hang in my chains, limp and defeated.
He's showing me a photo. A good quality eight by ten, glossy. Colour, lots of red. Can still see what's under the red, but I don't want to believe it.
"Pretty, isn't it? I might get it framed for your cell wall, what do you think?"
Oh, you bastard.
A photo of corpses. He's showing me a colour photo of four corpses, all laid in a row.
Owen, Tosh, Gwen. Ianto is on the end. Sweet, handsome Ianto. His face is untouched, apart from a streak of red on his forehead.
The photo is taken away. Seconds later, the pain of the knife being thrust brutally into my heart barely even registers.
I close my eyes, and the heavy darkness that swoops in and takes me away is like an angel of mercy.
***
I woke gasping for breath. I was confused for a moment. I thought I was coming back to life, but I couldn't work out what had killed me.
One of my bad dreams, that's all it was. I opened my eyes and saw the stricken face of the Doctor looking down at me, tears in his eyes. He had his arm around me and we were both naked in his bed, warm and comfortable and safe, and he was stroking my hair.
Everything slid back into focus, and I buried my face in his chest until my breathing returned to normal, and my heart stopped trying to burst out of my chest.
I wondered what had brought that on. Fighting with the Doctor, I guess. Thinking the worst of him again. That helpless feeling of insecurity. Missing Ianto, maybe.
I raised my head to look at him. He was looking at me with horror in his eyes. He still had his hand in my hair.
I swallowed. "You saw."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."
I nodded. I wasn't angry. I'd never wanted him to have to see that, that's all.
"I had my hand on your head, and it was all so calm and peaceful. Felt myself drifting a bit, lost concentration…"
I stretched my arm over his stomach and leaned into him, cuddling him like a small child in need of comfort. His arms were tight around me. Felt so good.
"I should have stopped as soon as I realised, but…" he let out a slow breath.
My words were muffled against his skin. "Morbid curiosity."
"I should have done something."
I shrugged. "It was a bad dream, that's all. Well… more of a bad memory, if I'm honest." Having a superior memory can have its disadvantages. "Nothing you could have done. Except wake me earlier, I guess."
He was shaking his head. "I mean… back then. I should've… oh, Jack. I'm so sorry."
"You couldn't have stopped him." The Doctor knew I was right.
His voice was little more than a whisper. "All your friends… Ianto. I never knew. I'm sorry."
"Time got reversed. I got him back. All of them. Well… Tosh and Owen… at least I had them back for a while. And Ianto… it made me realise how much he meant to me. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to go back to Cardiff." I smiled. "That same night, the night I got back, I asked him to go out on a date with me. Took a few weeks before we got there, mind…"
The Doctor wasn't really listening to me. He was lost in thought. Remembering. "All I my energy and strength was spent on tuning myself into the Archangel Network. That was all I could afford to do, Jack. For the good of everyone. I know, at the time, you didn't realise that…"
I closed my eyes. The rare times I'd seen the aged, fragile Doctor on the Valiant, he'd seemed practically catatonic. Even when Saxon had killed or tortured me in front of him, his expression hadn't changed. He'd never even said anything. Not a single word.
At the time… yeah, it hurt. But more frightening than that, I thought he'd just… given up. I thought of giving up hope myself a few times, but I didn't break. I trusted the Doctor to have something up his sleeve, somehow. It's a good thing I'm such a stubborn ass.
"You should have gone with Martha." His voice sounded flat.
"And left you on your own with that sadistic psychopath? Don't be stupid."
I felt him squeeze me a little tighter. "Always so loyal. My fault, all of it. I know that."
"The only person I ever blamed was Saxon, not you." I still couldn't call him the Master. I never had, not matter what he did to me. He'd got bored of that particular game, eventually. Came up with some new ones instead.
"When he was… oh, God. Why didn't you just… do what he said?" He still sounded horrified.
"I figured… if he had me to take it out on, if I kept him busy, then he was leaving you alone. You and the Joneses. Besides, I was never going to let him break me. It was a matter of principle."
"Oh… Jack." The fingers in my hair tightened for a moment.
"The only thing that kept me going was knowing that we were both on the same ship. Knowing where you were for a whole year… now that was a luxury." I managed to keep the tone in my voice light.
"The things he did… what he did to you. To Martha's family. I never wanted you to think I didn't care," he said. He sounded upset. "I just… I couldn't react the way I wanted to. Because that was what he wanted; you can see that, can't you?"
I nodded. Maybe not at the time, but afterwards, sure I could.
His voice was a hoarse whisper. "It broke my hearts, Jack. Believe me."
"I do."
"I thought I could save him. How could I ever have been so wrong about him?" There was so much pain in his voice.
I'd guessed, a long time ago, but now it made sense. "He was your Koschei, when you were young, right?"
He was still lost in thought. "I forgave him. For everything. Even for what he did to you. I had no right."
"We all do … irrational things when we're in love, Doctor. You thought, if you gave up travelling, kept him with you, you could make him love you back," I said softly.
"You're just going to… keep me?" Oh, Doctor…
There was an awkward pause.
"If you'd have bonded… could you have used the energy to… make him better?" The thought of the Doctor being with him made my stomach turn, but I didn't betray that revulsion in my voice.
"I was fooling myself. I thought maybe I could. But he was too far gone. I know that now. I can't save everyone, Jack. No matter how much I want to."
I squeezed him tight. "You save me every day."
I sat up, and turned around to face him. Without a word, the Doctor put both his arms around me, and held me tightly. The Doctor clung to me tighter than ever. His hands stroked at my back and at my hair comfortingly.
I never realised how much I'd needed that from him, until that moment.
"I should have done this, back then, when it was all over," he murmured over my shoulder. "I should have made sure that you knew I cared. It was the least I could have done for you, and I didn't even do that." He sounded so sad.
We sat and held each other for a while. The Doctor spoke cautiously into my ear, as though he'd been mulling something over.
"I could… fix you, if you want. I could close some of the doors in your mind…"
I shook my head. "If I wanted to forget, I could have just retconned myself. Its okay, you know. It reminds me of what I thought I'd lost… and what I ended up getting back."
"Well then… not close doors. Just… push them until they're ajar. That way you won't forget, but they won't bother you in your dreams any more." He sounded so eager to please. I smiled, extricated myself from his grip and sat opposite him, cross legged. I nodded.
He reached out and placed his fingers on my temples, the way we did when we bonded. He closed his eyes in concentration. It was different this time, though. I could feel him directly in my mind this time, talking a careful, respectful stroll through the corridors of my consciousness.
"There might be…dark memories. I don't know if I want you to see them." I bit my lip. "I've done bad things…"
The Doctor smiled a little. "Haven't we all? What matters is here, and now. What you are, not what you were."
I swallowed. Even so…
His thumbs rubbed soothingly against my cheeks for a moment. "If there's anything you realty don't want me to see, just… mentally nudge me out of the way. I'll take the hint."
I nodded, and closed my eyes. It was quite comforting. I didn't mind him being in my mind as much as I thought I would. I wouldn't let anybody else do this, I suddenly realised. I wouldn't trust anyone enough. Except Ianto. If he had that power.
I felt him tidying up my mind, pushing the doors on my worst memories to nearly closed, opening up doors on the happier ones.
"Ooh. That was a good date with Ianto…" I heard him murmur, a cheeky smile on his face.
"Hey, this is not an excuse for you to indulge in… my dirty thoughts."
We both chuckled.
"Let me know if you find a couple of missing years in there," I murmured. Although I didn't know if I wanted those memories back or not. The Time Agency must have had a good reason for stealing them in the first place.
"I can see where they were," he said, his face creasing slightly as though he were concentrating on working at a complicated piece of machinery. "There's a big… gap. Like they've been ripped out. Not much I can do, I'm afraid. You've had some real cowboys in here, Jack…"
"Yeah. I was always a sucker for a man in chaps and a ten gallon hat," I said lightly.
He gave me the faintest of smiles. "Oh."
"Oh?" I frowned a little.
"There's a memory here… it's as though somebody tried to erase it, but got interrupted halfway through. It's still there… just sort of … covered up. Would you like it back?"
I swallowed nervously. "Good memory or bad memory?"
His forehead creased. "Oh… good, I think… yes. Here you go."
He took his hands away from my head and sat back, watching me.
Sand. Sand and heat. Home. My childhood home. I'm playing ball with my father and Gray. We're all so happy, laughing, joking. Everything was so simple back then…
I smile, delightedly. "Dad…" I hug myself.
The ball gets away from me. I run after it. I pick up the ball and stop, looking into the distance. Something… did something go wrong, right about now? I can't remember.
I pause, but there's nobody else in sight. It doesn't matter. Laughing, I run back to dad and Gray. I pick up my little brother and swing him around. It's something I do all the time, because it makes him laugh. I love him so much.
"We played until it was nearly dark, and then Mum came over with a basket of bread and juice, and one of those great cakes she used to make…" I murmur.
I looked at the Doctor. He was grinning. "Brilliant. I love cake…" he said.
I smiled. "I always gave Gray the biggest piece."
"Your brother."
"Yeah. My little brother. I loved him. I really did."
The Doctor reached out and took my hand.
I didn't let the smile slip. "Dad made a fire, and we all sat around it and told stories." I looked up at the Doctor. "How could I have forgotten that? Who would want to take that memory away from me? I was so happy. It was such a great time. The best time. It was right before…"
I shook my head. Shoved the pain into a little box in my head, and slammed down the lid. I managed to maintain the smile.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"You're very welcome. I just want to… I want you to be happy."
I leaned forward and kissed the Doctor softly on the lips. Then I pulled away and looked into his eyes.
"There is something else you could do. Something that would make me really happy."
The Doctor's eyes were shining. "Anything."
I stroked his face. "Bond with Ianto. Tomorrow…" I glanced at my watch. It was the early hours of the morning. "Okay, scratch that. Tonight."
He looked down for a moment, thinking.
"Don't make him feel like he's being used. Please, Doctor. I don't want him to feel second best. To either of us. That dream… every time I remember something like that, I realise how lucky I am. I lost him, Doctor. He died. At the hands of that…" I shook my head, blinking away tears. "I love him so much. And I want him to be happy, too."
The Doctor nodded slowly. "I've been waiting… waiting until I was better. Until I could give him all of myself, not just a… broken version."
I nodded.
The Doctor met my eyes. "How will you feel about it?"
I took a slow breath. "I think it could be wonderful. For all of us."
The Doctor gave me a secret smile. "Yes. Okay. Tonight's the night."
"You'll do it for me?"
The Doctor frowned. "No, not for you."
"Okay, then. For Ianto."
He shook his head. "I'm doing it for me. I think he's wonderful. And very handsome. Aren't I allowed to be selfish sometimes?" He had a cheeky twinkle in his eye.
I chuckled. There isn't a day goes by when that man doesn't surprise me.
***
Hi. Ianto Jones here. Again.
Okay, so I said I'd done writing in Jack's journal, but I had to just add this bit. I managed to wrestle the book from Jack, even though he wasn't keen.
I can see why Jack didn't want me to read what he'd added since I last had his journal. It's a bit… explicit. If you ask me, he's only written it all out in such great detail so he can have a wank over it when I'm not around.
Oh my God, I've just realised that I have just lowered the tone of something that belongs to Jack Harkness. Never thought that would happen.
So anyway. What he'd written. It made me feel a bit funny at first, but it's not jealousy. I think it might be relief.
That sounds weird, doesn't it?
Relief, I think, because Jack got what he wanted in the end, even if we all know it's not going to last much longer. Well, not for now. Jack and the Doctor have the rest of time, haven't they? And I know the Doctor will visit us now and then. Hell, I hope he doesn't leave it too long; I'm going to miss him like crazy.
And I felt relief because Jack had a lot of demons when it came to the Doctor. Unfinished business, lingering doubts, and issues that needed bringing out into the open. And they've all been sorted out too. It's all been very cathartic, really.
And… if I'm honest, I didn't just feel relief, either. I can't help denying that it turned me on a bit. It's not like imagining Jack being with just anybody, not like before. The thought of Jack making love with someone who wasn't me used to drive me crazy.
But this is the Doctor. And when it comes to the Doctor, all the rules change. The laws of the universe no longer apply, somehow. That's what makes him so amazing.
The Doctor's leaving soon. In a week or two, I would have thought. Sometimes I look at Jack and he's gone to a quiet place in his mind, and he looks a bit sad and lost. I imagine it's because he's thinking about how much he's going to miss the Doctor.
But then he looks at me and his face changes again. It lights up, and he pulls me into his arms, and somehow I think knowing he still has me makes everything alright again. And I'm not going anywhere.
It's been good for him, being with the Doctor. They both taught each other a few things. What does the Doctor always say? 'Having knowledge is half your problem solved.' 'Knowledge is power.' 'There's nothing wrong with being clever.' 'Bananas are good.' He says that a lot. You can't argue with any of that, I suppose.
And as for my Jack… he seems a lot more… well. He tells me he loves me every day, now. And he means it too. I can tell, by the look in his eyes, and in the tone of his voice, and in the way he kisses me. Love glows out of him, like some sort of… energy.
I haven't seen Jack this happy in all the years I've known him. And that makes me happy too.
Jack and the Doctor have each other, now they're bonded. And when the Doctor's not here, Jack has me.
And now… I have the Doctor too. That's why I wanted to write in Jack's journal again, because it's all in here, like a story. The story of us, all three of us. And to not add this part would just be a shame, really.
A few days ago, the Doctor bonded with me. We were sitting in the TARDIS park, on the grass, drinking coffee. Yeah, I got him to start drinking coffee. Coffee is one of the cornerstones of life, I tell him. So we're drinking coffee, and we're kissing, because it can't hurt to put in a bit of practice, I always think.
What, did you think we just sat and discussed literature, all this time?
Up until then, it was always half-nice, and half-frustrating, kissing the Doctor. Nice, because I can tell he likes it, and he's got really good at it, too. The only thing missing was that I knew it wasn't turning him on, because… well, until we were bonded he didn't have the capability. It felt strange, like kissing a family member, or something. Which is just icky.
And that was the frustrating bit. Because I fancy the Doctor. A lot. I mean, God. Have you seen him? And sometimes I think, I already have an impossibly gorgeous boyfriend, and then there's this amazing alien who I am also sort of going out with. Well, it's like a relationship without the sex, but I always knew that would change eventually. And I sometimes think… am I being greedy?
I've asked Jack what he thinks, during one of our deep conversations in bed, and he says that I deserve to have as much love as I want. Which is fair enough, I suppose.
Still feel a bit greedy, but I'm only human, after all. And if you can have your cake, and eat it too… pass me a fork, is what I say.
Having sex with the Doctor is something that I want very much indeed, but something that also makes me nervous, because Jack is the only man I've ever been with. All the way, I mean. Snogging doesn't count, does it? But then again, Jack is the only man the Doctor has ever been with, I think, so that still makes us sort of equal, in a way.
Anyway, I digress. Back to what I was saying.
Me and the Doctor were sitting close together on the grass, kissing, and I was trying to keep my hands to myself. He wasn't wearing a tie and a few buttons of his shirt were opened at the collar, because he's a bit more relaxed about that sort of thing now. Which made things worse for me, because I really wanted to kiss his neck, but I thought he might have freaked out if I did, so I didn't.
And then the Doctor pulled away from our kiss and looked shy, and said he had something to ask me.
And I said that I was flattered, and that I didn't mind booking the church, and did he mind if I wore a wedding dress, because I'd already seen one in the shop I really liked when I was picking out Gwen's?
And I was kidding, obviously, and sometimes the Doctor knows when I'm joking, and sometimes he looks at me like I've got two heads.
Anyway, he shook his head in that "oh, you" sort of way of his. And then he fumbled in his jacket pocket and put his glasses on, for some reason. I thought he was going to start reading me a poem, or something.
But he didn't. He put his hand on my arm and said that he's come to realise over the last few months that I am a very special man, and he wondered if I thought it was time that we were bonded. He said that Jack had asked him about it, but he didn't want me to think that it was all Jack's idea, or that he was doing it because he thought he should, and not because he wanted to. Because that wasn't the case at all, he said he'd wanted to bond with me for a long time, but he wanted to be fully recovered first, because otherwise I would only be getting part of him, and not all of him, and that wouldn't be right.
He talks like that sometimes, at a hundred miles an hour, when he's nervous, or excited, but I sort of got the gist.
So I smiled, and took his hand, and said yes.
"I wish I'd asked you to bring a picnic, now," he said.
I'm not sure that the picnic is mandatory, but he did look a bit disappointed. He soon cheered up, though.
He took off his glasses again, and then he put his hands on my face, and… it was. Strange. Overwhelming. All sort of…. well, alien. But really rather nice.
It was like Jack said, this warm feeling of being loved from the inside, like someone sharing my soul. It made me feel… part of something wonderful. Does this make me part-alien, or something? It's all a bit exciting, but it scares me a bit too.
Oh, and the Doctor kissed me again, afterwards.
It was… wow. Like I said, before, kissing the Doctor was like kissing… innocence. But now… all the engines are revving, he says.
Now, when the Doctor kisses me, it's wonderful. It's not like Jack kissing me. It's like… they're two different flavours.
There's a fire there, now, in the Doctor. And in me. A passion I thought I'd never feel for anyone except Lisa and Jack.
We haven't… well, it's a bit soon for that. And even if we had, I wouldn't describe it here. But it's going to be soon, I know that. It's not like we have a lot of time left to take it slowly.
Knowing we're bonded… it makes me love the Doctor more than ever. And I think he loves me. Even if he's scared of it. He says he's scared of loving a human, but it's all going to be alright. I know it is, and I'll keep telling him that until he believes it.
Before I go, I have to mention Jack's description of his dream/memory, because it's more than he ever told me. I can see now why he never wants to talk about it. The thought of what terrible things he must have gone through makes my stomach turn whenever I let myself think about it.
I want to keep him safe, forever. I don't know if I'm up to the job, but I'm going to do my best, because from reading Jack's journal, I know that he's as human and as fragile as the rest of us, even if he's just a bit better at hiding it than most people.
In the meantime… while the Doctor's still here… well, I reckon there's still tale or two to tell. But I'm going to leave that to Jack. He's better at telling stories than I am.
Ooh, that's annoying.
I have to go now. Jack says he wants to talk to me about something. He has a look on his face that I've seen before; half-horny, half-nervous.
I don't know whether to feel excited, or worried…
Ianto xxx
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
<< Chapter Twenty Two
<< Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
Wishing you all happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate, and thank you, faithful readers, for your overwhelming support throughout the first 24 chapters of this series. Ruthy xxx
As for this chapter, there are some fairly explicit dark themes at the start, so if that upsets you please skip the first section. Oh and…there was no need to worry about Mr Jones after all, see? ;-)
FINALLY please don't forget that you can still vote for Belonging at the Children of Time Awards under Torchwood Dark/Angst, Torchwood Series and/or Torchwood WIP. Voting ends on 25th December!
Title: Belonging - Chapter Twenty Four
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters: Jack/Ten, Ianto/Ten (implied Ten/Master)
Rating: This Chapter - R for language, adult situations and dark themes (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: TW: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Adam / DW: The Sound of Drums, Last of the Time Lords, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: darkfic (references to torture/character death) | m/m slash | polyamory | angst | hurt/comfort
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
I want to kill him. Watch him regenerate, and then kill him again.
Chapter Twenty Four
Every part of my body hurts.
There's nothing in the world except agony, and the sound of him laughing in my face.
Don't show him how much it hurts; don't let him see you do so much as grit your teeth.
But Christ, it hurts so much!
"Poor handsome Jack, he's such a brave boy," he coos mockingly, and his voice is the hiss of a poisonous snake. "All you have to do is say my name." He's smirking.
I want him dead. I should have broken his neck when I had the chance. I want to kill him. Watch him regenerate, and then kill him again.
"Just say my name," he purrs, "and I'll make the pain stop for today."
"Saxon. Harold," I say, as cheerily as I can. "Hey, we're friends now, right? Maybe I could start calling you Harry." I even manage to smile.
Another slow, deep drag of the knife edge across my flesh, and I can’t help crying out.
Oh, that hurts…
I can hear someone crying. Just out of my line of vision. A woman. Lucy? As if she'd cry over me. Francine? No, Tish. Poor girl, she hates this. It must be the time of day for her to bring the son of a bitch his afternoon cup of tea.
He does love his daily routine. So much to do. Busy, busy.
"Oh, come on, Jack. We've been doing this for hours! But you're so much fun, good Captain. I could play with you all day…" He runs a leather-gloved hand down my face, almost fondly, and I swallow down bile.
"Tell me my name, Freak. Just call me Master, and I'll stop hurting you. Go on… just say it…" he cajoles.
Won't break. Not now, not ever.
I haven't got enough breath to speak just now, so I just glare at him with as much hatred in my eyes as I can muster.
Another slow, lingering cut. I groan weakly, but it's really not so bad this time; my adrenaline is waning and I'm feeling woozy now. Makes the pain seem far away.
I can feel warm fluid running down my chest, down my legs. I look down, panting. There's a red pool around my feet. He'll make Clive Jones mop it up afterwards.
Shouldn't have looked down, now the room's spinning. It's making me feel nauseous, even though there's nothing in my stomach.
"Go on then, one last chance. But you know the rules of the game. If you don't say it, I kill you, and we start all over again. Ooh, I love that, a clean slate every time…"
I manage to focus on his face.
"Fuck you." I speak very distinctly for someone with so little blood left in their veins. Yep. Happy with that. The smile on my face is little more than a grimace, probably, but it works. He looks pissed off. Yeah. Works for me.
"Never mind, Jacky-boy. We'll just keep trying, eh?" He picks up a towel from the steel trolley at his side, and wipes my blood off his black leather gloves. He wears the expression of a child who hates his hands being sticky.
"When you come back, we'll move on to something less messy. Hmm… electrodes, I think." He talks casually, as though we're discussing the weather. "See you in a little while, then. Oh… before I forget, I have a gift for you…"
There's a pause, and then he holds something up in front of my eyes. I can't see very well, I can feel the familiar darkness closing in now, but when the lines resolve themselves into recognisable shapes, when the truth begins to seep through the fuzziness of what was my mind an hour or two ago, I realise that nothing matters now.
I haven't the determination to stand up straight anymore. I hang in my chains, limp and defeated.
He's showing me a photo. A good quality eight by ten, glossy. Colour, lots of red. Can still see what's under the red, but I don't want to believe it.
"Pretty, isn't it? I might get it framed for your cell wall, what do you think?"
Oh, you bastard.
A photo of corpses. He's showing me a colour photo of four corpses, all laid in a row.
Owen, Tosh, Gwen. Ianto is on the end. Sweet, handsome Ianto. His face is untouched, apart from a streak of red on his forehead.
The photo is taken away. Seconds later, the pain of the knife being thrust brutally into my heart barely even registers.
I close my eyes, and the heavy darkness that swoops in and takes me away is like an angel of mercy.
***
I woke gasping for breath. I was confused for a moment. I thought I was coming back to life, but I couldn't work out what had killed me.
One of my bad dreams, that's all it was. I opened my eyes and saw the stricken face of the Doctor looking down at me, tears in his eyes. He had his arm around me and we were both naked in his bed, warm and comfortable and safe, and he was stroking my hair.
Everything slid back into focus, and I buried my face in his chest until my breathing returned to normal, and my heart stopped trying to burst out of my chest.
I wondered what had brought that on. Fighting with the Doctor, I guess. Thinking the worst of him again. That helpless feeling of insecurity. Missing Ianto, maybe.
I raised my head to look at him. He was looking at me with horror in his eyes. He still had his hand in my hair.
I swallowed. "You saw."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."
I nodded. I wasn't angry. I'd never wanted him to have to see that, that's all.
"I had my hand on your head, and it was all so calm and peaceful. Felt myself drifting a bit, lost concentration…"
I stretched my arm over his stomach and leaned into him, cuddling him like a small child in need of comfort. His arms were tight around me. Felt so good.
"I should have stopped as soon as I realised, but…" he let out a slow breath.
My words were muffled against his skin. "Morbid curiosity."
"I should have done something."
I shrugged. "It was a bad dream, that's all. Well… more of a bad memory, if I'm honest." Having a superior memory can have its disadvantages. "Nothing you could have done. Except wake me earlier, I guess."
He was shaking his head. "I mean… back then. I should've… oh, Jack. I'm so sorry."
"You couldn't have stopped him." The Doctor knew I was right.
His voice was little more than a whisper. "All your friends… Ianto. I never knew. I'm sorry."
"Time got reversed. I got him back. All of them. Well… Tosh and Owen… at least I had them back for a while. And Ianto… it made me realise how much he meant to me. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to go back to Cardiff." I smiled. "That same night, the night I got back, I asked him to go out on a date with me. Took a few weeks before we got there, mind…"
The Doctor wasn't really listening to me. He was lost in thought. Remembering. "All I my energy and strength was spent on tuning myself into the Archangel Network. That was all I could afford to do, Jack. For the good of everyone. I know, at the time, you didn't realise that…"
I closed my eyes. The rare times I'd seen the aged, fragile Doctor on the Valiant, he'd seemed practically catatonic. Even when Saxon had killed or tortured me in front of him, his expression hadn't changed. He'd never even said anything. Not a single word.
At the time… yeah, it hurt. But more frightening than that, I thought he'd just… given up. I thought of giving up hope myself a few times, but I didn't break. I trusted the Doctor to have something up his sleeve, somehow. It's a good thing I'm such a stubborn ass.
"You should have gone with Martha." His voice sounded flat.
"And left you on your own with that sadistic psychopath? Don't be stupid."
I felt him squeeze me a little tighter. "Always so loyal. My fault, all of it. I know that."
"The only person I ever blamed was Saxon, not you." I still couldn't call him the Master. I never had, not matter what he did to me. He'd got bored of that particular game, eventually. Came up with some new ones instead.
"When he was… oh, God. Why didn't you just… do what he said?" He still sounded horrified.
"I figured… if he had me to take it out on, if I kept him busy, then he was leaving you alone. You and the Joneses. Besides, I was never going to let him break me. It was a matter of principle."
"Oh… Jack." The fingers in my hair tightened for a moment.
"The only thing that kept me going was knowing that we were both on the same ship. Knowing where you were for a whole year… now that was a luxury." I managed to keep the tone in my voice light.
"The things he did… what he did to you. To Martha's family. I never wanted you to think I didn't care," he said. He sounded upset. "I just… I couldn't react the way I wanted to. Because that was what he wanted; you can see that, can't you?"
I nodded. Maybe not at the time, but afterwards, sure I could.
His voice was a hoarse whisper. "It broke my hearts, Jack. Believe me."
"I do."
"I thought I could save him. How could I ever have been so wrong about him?" There was so much pain in his voice.
I'd guessed, a long time ago, but now it made sense. "He was your Koschei, when you were young, right?"
He was still lost in thought. "I forgave him. For everything. Even for what he did to you. I had no right."
"We all do … irrational things when we're in love, Doctor. You thought, if you gave up travelling, kept him with you, you could make him love you back," I said softly.
"You're just going to… keep me?" Oh, Doctor…
There was an awkward pause.
"If you'd have bonded… could you have used the energy to… make him better?" The thought of the Doctor being with him made my stomach turn, but I didn't betray that revulsion in my voice.
"I was fooling myself. I thought maybe I could. But he was too far gone. I know that now. I can't save everyone, Jack. No matter how much I want to."
I squeezed him tight. "You save me every day."
I sat up, and turned around to face him. Without a word, the Doctor put both his arms around me, and held me tightly. The Doctor clung to me tighter than ever. His hands stroked at my back and at my hair comfortingly.
I never realised how much I'd needed that from him, until that moment.
"I should have done this, back then, when it was all over," he murmured over my shoulder. "I should have made sure that you knew I cared. It was the least I could have done for you, and I didn't even do that." He sounded so sad.
We sat and held each other for a while. The Doctor spoke cautiously into my ear, as though he'd been mulling something over.
"I could… fix you, if you want. I could close some of the doors in your mind…"
I shook my head. "If I wanted to forget, I could have just retconned myself. Its okay, you know. It reminds me of what I thought I'd lost… and what I ended up getting back."
"Well then… not close doors. Just… push them until they're ajar. That way you won't forget, but they won't bother you in your dreams any more." He sounded so eager to please. I smiled, extricated myself from his grip and sat opposite him, cross legged. I nodded.
He reached out and placed his fingers on my temples, the way we did when we bonded. He closed his eyes in concentration. It was different this time, though. I could feel him directly in my mind this time, talking a careful, respectful stroll through the corridors of my consciousness.
"There might be…dark memories. I don't know if I want you to see them." I bit my lip. "I've done bad things…"
The Doctor smiled a little. "Haven't we all? What matters is here, and now. What you are, not what you were."
I swallowed. Even so…
His thumbs rubbed soothingly against my cheeks for a moment. "If there's anything you realty don't want me to see, just… mentally nudge me out of the way. I'll take the hint."
I nodded, and closed my eyes. It was quite comforting. I didn't mind him being in my mind as much as I thought I would. I wouldn't let anybody else do this, I suddenly realised. I wouldn't trust anyone enough. Except Ianto. If he had that power.
I felt him tidying up my mind, pushing the doors on my worst memories to nearly closed, opening up doors on the happier ones.
"Ooh. That was a good date with Ianto…" I heard him murmur, a cheeky smile on his face.
"Hey, this is not an excuse for you to indulge in… my dirty thoughts."
We both chuckled.
"Let me know if you find a couple of missing years in there," I murmured. Although I didn't know if I wanted those memories back or not. The Time Agency must have had a good reason for stealing them in the first place.
"I can see where they were," he said, his face creasing slightly as though he were concentrating on working at a complicated piece of machinery. "There's a big… gap. Like they've been ripped out. Not much I can do, I'm afraid. You've had some real cowboys in here, Jack…"
"Yeah. I was always a sucker for a man in chaps and a ten gallon hat," I said lightly.
He gave me the faintest of smiles. "Oh."
"Oh?" I frowned a little.
"There's a memory here… it's as though somebody tried to erase it, but got interrupted halfway through. It's still there… just sort of … covered up. Would you like it back?"
I swallowed nervously. "Good memory or bad memory?"
His forehead creased. "Oh… good, I think… yes. Here you go."
He took his hands away from my head and sat back, watching me.
Sand. Sand and heat. Home. My childhood home. I'm playing ball with my father and Gray. We're all so happy, laughing, joking. Everything was so simple back then…
I smile, delightedly. "Dad…" I hug myself.
The ball gets away from me. I run after it. I pick up the ball and stop, looking into the distance. Something… did something go wrong, right about now? I can't remember.
I pause, but there's nobody else in sight. It doesn't matter. Laughing, I run back to dad and Gray. I pick up my little brother and swing him around. It's something I do all the time, because it makes him laugh. I love him so much.
"We played until it was nearly dark, and then Mum came over with a basket of bread and juice, and one of those great cakes she used to make…" I murmur.
I looked at the Doctor. He was grinning. "Brilliant. I love cake…" he said.
I smiled. "I always gave Gray the biggest piece."
"Your brother."
"Yeah. My little brother. I loved him. I really did."
The Doctor reached out and took my hand.
I didn't let the smile slip. "Dad made a fire, and we all sat around it and told stories." I looked up at the Doctor. "How could I have forgotten that? Who would want to take that memory away from me? I was so happy. It was such a great time. The best time. It was right before…"
I shook my head. Shoved the pain into a little box in my head, and slammed down the lid. I managed to maintain the smile.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"You're very welcome. I just want to… I want you to be happy."
I leaned forward and kissed the Doctor softly on the lips. Then I pulled away and looked into his eyes.
"There is something else you could do. Something that would make me really happy."
The Doctor's eyes were shining. "Anything."
I stroked his face. "Bond with Ianto. Tomorrow…" I glanced at my watch. It was the early hours of the morning. "Okay, scratch that. Tonight."
He looked down for a moment, thinking.
"Don't make him feel like he's being used. Please, Doctor. I don't want him to feel second best. To either of us. That dream… every time I remember something like that, I realise how lucky I am. I lost him, Doctor. He died. At the hands of that…" I shook my head, blinking away tears. "I love him so much. And I want him to be happy, too."
The Doctor nodded slowly. "I've been waiting… waiting until I was better. Until I could give him all of myself, not just a… broken version."
I nodded.
The Doctor met my eyes. "How will you feel about it?"
I took a slow breath. "I think it could be wonderful. For all of us."
The Doctor gave me a secret smile. "Yes. Okay. Tonight's the night."
"You'll do it for me?"
The Doctor frowned. "No, not for you."
"Okay, then. For Ianto."
He shook his head. "I'm doing it for me. I think he's wonderful. And very handsome. Aren't I allowed to be selfish sometimes?" He had a cheeky twinkle in his eye.
I chuckled. There isn't a day goes by when that man doesn't surprise me.
***
Hi. Ianto Jones here. Again.
Okay, so I said I'd done writing in Jack's journal, but I had to just add this bit. I managed to wrestle the book from Jack, even though he wasn't keen.
I can see why Jack didn't want me to read what he'd added since I last had his journal. It's a bit… explicit. If you ask me, he's only written it all out in such great detail so he can have a wank over it when I'm not around.
Oh my God, I've just realised that I have just lowered the tone of something that belongs to Jack Harkness. Never thought that would happen.
So anyway. What he'd written. It made me feel a bit funny at first, but it's not jealousy. I think it might be relief.
That sounds weird, doesn't it?
Relief, I think, because Jack got what he wanted in the end, even if we all know it's not going to last much longer. Well, not for now. Jack and the Doctor have the rest of time, haven't they? And I know the Doctor will visit us now and then. Hell, I hope he doesn't leave it too long; I'm going to miss him like crazy.
And I felt relief because Jack had a lot of demons when it came to the Doctor. Unfinished business, lingering doubts, and issues that needed bringing out into the open. And they've all been sorted out too. It's all been very cathartic, really.
And… if I'm honest, I didn't just feel relief, either. I can't help denying that it turned me on a bit. It's not like imagining Jack being with just anybody, not like before. The thought of Jack making love with someone who wasn't me used to drive me crazy.
But this is the Doctor. And when it comes to the Doctor, all the rules change. The laws of the universe no longer apply, somehow. That's what makes him so amazing.
The Doctor's leaving soon. In a week or two, I would have thought. Sometimes I look at Jack and he's gone to a quiet place in his mind, and he looks a bit sad and lost. I imagine it's because he's thinking about how much he's going to miss the Doctor.
But then he looks at me and his face changes again. It lights up, and he pulls me into his arms, and somehow I think knowing he still has me makes everything alright again. And I'm not going anywhere.
It's been good for him, being with the Doctor. They both taught each other a few things. What does the Doctor always say? 'Having knowledge is half your problem solved.' 'Knowledge is power.' 'There's nothing wrong with being clever.' 'Bananas are good.' He says that a lot. You can't argue with any of that, I suppose.
And as for my Jack… he seems a lot more… well. He tells me he loves me every day, now. And he means it too. I can tell, by the look in his eyes, and in the tone of his voice, and in the way he kisses me. Love glows out of him, like some sort of… energy.
I haven't seen Jack this happy in all the years I've known him. And that makes me happy too.
Jack and the Doctor have each other, now they're bonded. And when the Doctor's not here, Jack has me.
And now… I have the Doctor too. That's why I wanted to write in Jack's journal again, because it's all in here, like a story. The story of us, all three of us. And to not add this part would just be a shame, really.
A few days ago, the Doctor bonded with me. We were sitting in the TARDIS park, on the grass, drinking coffee. Yeah, I got him to start drinking coffee. Coffee is one of the cornerstones of life, I tell him. So we're drinking coffee, and we're kissing, because it can't hurt to put in a bit of practice, I always think.
What, did you think we just sat and discussed literature, all this time?
Up until then, it was always half-nice, and half-frustrating, kissing the Doctor. Nice, because I can tell he likes it, and he's got really good at it, too. The only thing missing was that I knew it wasn't turning him on, because… well, until we were bonded he didn't have the capability. It felt strange, like kissing a family member, or something. Which is just icky.
And that was the frustrating bit. Because I fancy the Doctor. A lot. I mean, God. Have you seen him? And sometimes I think, I already have an impossibly gorgeous boyfriend, and then there's this amazing alien who I am also sort of going out with. Well, it's like a relationship without the sex, but I always knew that would change eventually. And I sometimes think… am I being greedy?
I've asked Jack what he thinks, during one of our deep conversations in bed, and he says that I deserve to have as much love as I want. Which is fair enough, I suppose.
Still feel a bit greedy, but I'm only human, after all. And if you can have your cake, and eat it too… pass me a fork, is what I say.
Having sex with the Doctor is something that I want very much indeed, but something that also makes me nervous, because Jack is the only man I've ever been with. All the way, I mean. Snogging doesn't count, does it? But then again, Jack is the only man the Doctor has ever been with, I think, so that still makes us sort of equal, in a way.
Anyway, I digress. Back to what I was saying.
Me and the Doctor were sitting close together on the grass, kissing, and I was trying to keep my hands to myself. He wasn't wearing a tie and a few buttons of his shirt were opened at the collar, because he's a bit more relaxed about that sort of thing now. Which made things worse for me, because I really wanted to kiss his neck, but I thought he might have freaked out if I did, so I didn't.
And then the Doctor pulled away from our kiss and looked shy, and said he had something to ask me.
And I said that I was flattered, and that I didn't mind booking the church, and did he mind if I wore a wedding dress, because I'd already seen one in the shop I really liked when I was picking out Gwen's?
And I was kidding, obviously, and sometimes the Doctor knows when I'm joking, and sometimes he looks at me like I've got two heads.
Anyway, he shook his head in that "oh, you" sort of way of his. And then he fumbled in his jacket pocket and put his glasses on, for some reason. I thought he was going to start reading me a poem, or something.
But he didn't. He put his hand on my arm and said that he's come to realise over the last few months that I am a very special man, and he wondered if I thought it was time that we were bonded. He said that Jack had asked him about it, but he didn't want me to think that it was all Jack's idea, or that he was doing it because he thought he should, and not because he wanted to. Because that wasn't the case at all, he said he'd wanted to bond with me for a long time, but he wanted to be fully recovered first, because otherwise I would only be getting part of him, and not all of him, and that wouldn't be right.
He talks like that sometimes, at a hundred miles an hour, when he's nervous, or excited, but I sort of got the gist.
So I smiled, and took his hand, and said yes.
"I wish I'd asked you to bring a picnic, now," he said.
I'm not sure that the picnic is mandatory, but he did look a bit disappointed. He soon cheered up, though.
He took off his glasses again, and then he put his hands on my face, and… it was. Strange. Overwhelming. All sort of…. well, alien. But really rather nice.
It was like Jack said, this warm feeling of being loved from the inside, like someone sharing my soul. It made me feel… part of something wonderful. Does this make me part-alien, or something? It's all a bit exciting, but it scares me a bit too.
Oh, and the Doctor kissed me again, afterwards.
It was… wow. Like I said, before, kissing the Doctor was like kissing… innocence. But now… all the engines are revving, he says.
Now, when the Doctor kisses me, it's wonderful. It's not like Jack kissing me. It's like… they're two different flavours.
There's a fire there, now, in the Doctor. And in me. A passion I thought I'd never feel for anyone except Lisa and Jack.
We haven't… well, it's a bit soon for that. And even if we had, I wouldn't describe it here. But it's going to be soon, I know that. It's not like we have a lot of time left to take it slowly.
Knowing we're bonded… it makes me love the Doctor more than ever. And I think he loves me. Even if he's scared of it. He says he's scared of loving a human, but it's all going to be alright. I know it is, and I'll keep telling him that until he believes it.
Before I go, I have to mention Jack's description of his dream/memory, because it's more than he ever told me. I can see now why he never wants to talk about it. The thought of what terrible things he must have gone through makes my stomach turn whenever I let myself think about it.
I want to keep him safe, forever. I don't know if I'm up to the job, but I'm going to do my best, because from reading Jack's journal, I know that he's as human and as fragile as the rest of us, even if he's just a bit better at hiding it than most people.
In the meantime… while the Doctor's still here… well, I reckon there's still tale or two to tell. But I'm going to leave that to Jack. He's better at telling stories than I am.
Ooh, that's annoying.
I have to go now. Jack says he wants to talk to me about something. He has a look on his face that I've seen before; half-horny, half-nervous.
I don't know whether to feel excited, or worried…
Ianto xxx
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
<< Chapter Thirteen
<< Chapter Fourteen
<< Chapter Fifteen
<< Chapter Sixteen
<< Chapter Seventeen
<< Chapter Eighteen
<< Chapter Nineteen
<< Chapter Twenty
<< Chapter Twenty One
<< Chapter Twenty Two
<< Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight