Belonging: Chapter Thirteen
Author's Note: Fic is going great guns, so a sooner-than-usual update for my faithful readers - in which we learn that the moral high ground is a bitch.
I think I might break a few hearts with this chapter. Fingers crossed for a happy ending, eh? ;-)
Title: Belonging - Chapter Thirteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack, Ten, Jack/Ianto
Rating: This Chapter - R for bad language and non-explicit adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: The Empty Child, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst | hurt/comfort
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"You look at me the way Martha used to, when she thought I wasn't watching."
Chapter Thirteen
I stared at him. "Oh, God…" I muttered.
The smile slid off the Doctor's face.
This was something I'd always wanted. I should have been grinning like a loon, shouldn't I? I should have been jumping around and punching the air. I should have taken him into my arms and told him that the feeling was entirely mutual. But I couldn't. I just stood there, staring at him. Like the idiot I am.
There was a pause. A horribly long one.
"Say something…" said the Doctor at last, in a small voice.
"You said you love me," I said, unnecessarily.
"Well… yes." There was a short pause. "I really do," he added hastily, as though he was now wondering whether it was just a case of me not believing him.
"And I… could never say it before. Not really. But… this time, I could. I can say anything to you. That proves it. That you're the one. It feels right. Doesn't it feel right to you?" He sounded a little desperate.
I stood up and started wandering around the garden, feeling a little dazed.
The Doctor folded his arms awkwardly. "You don't want me," he said brokenly.
I closed my eyes. Didn't he understand how hard this was for me? I did want him. Of course I did. This was… far more than I'd ever dreamed of. That wasn't in doubt. But I couldn’t do it to Ianto. I just… couldn't. No matter how tempted I was.
"It's because of what I did, isn't it?" The Doctor sounded dejected. He trudged back over to the stone bench and sat down. "Looking at your secret files. Watching you on the security camera. It made you angry, and you can't forgive me."
"No, of course not." I sat back down next to him, and put my hand on his knee. I squeezed it through the towelling.
"So… you don't like me? Like… that, I mean?" He looked confused. "I thought you did. You look at me… well, like Rose did. You look at me the way Martha used to, when she thought I wasn't watching. But maybe I got it wrong. Is that why you didn't like it when I tried to kiss you? Or was I just really rubbish at it?"
I chuckled a little. I couldn't help it. "The kiss was fine, Doctor. It was just a bit… unexpected."
"It's not like I've had as much practice as you have…" he muttered.
"That's really not the problem." I sighed.
"But… I thought…" he looked so crestfallen. "Is it because I wouldn't know what to do in bed? Because… well, I know all about it. I mean... well, it's been a really, really long time, and I can't remember much about it, true enough. But… I know how it works. I know all the theory. It's just the practise really, but I'm a fast learner. That's why I was trying to find out… by watching you and Ianto."
He was prattling on and on, in that slightly frantic way of his, and I just let him ramble.
"It wasn't that I was getting… anything else out of it. I mean… that didn't even occur to me. Well, it wouldn't, would it? I just wanted to learn what you like, so that I could make you happy… because if we… I wouldn't want to disappoint you. And I know that was wrong of me now, but I didn't…" he trailed off.
I was staring at him sadly.
Clunk. The penny dropped.
"Ianto," he said flatly.
"Yeah."
"Ah." He blew out his cheeks and breathed out slowly.
"Exactly."
"You're monogamous."
"I am capable of it, you know! And I made a commitment to him. Sort of. It's not cast iron, I mean we're not married or anything, but… I love him. And I can't do this to him, Doctor. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I'm not tempted…"
"I see."
"I do want you. Christ, I… do. I've wanted you from the moment I met you, Doctor. And yeah, I admit, for most of the time I've known you it's been mostly… lustful. Infatuation, I suppose."
He nodded, looking away.
"But then, since you came here, and we spent all that time together, talking, getting to know each other… my feelings for you have changed."
"Changed?"
"I mean… they got stronger. I…" It wasn't right that I was about to say this, given that I was so shit at saying to Ianto, but the Doctor wasn't good at reading between the lines, especially in his current state.
I took a deep, shuddering breath. "I love you too. Okay? And this is fucking killing me!"
I stood up and started pacing around again, frustrated.
The Doctor looked pained. "I… should have thought. It never really occurred to me. I mean… you're from the 51st century."
He didn't need to elaborate. I'd been in multiple relationships before; in the far future it wasn’t really that much of a big deal, so long as everybody involved knew about the others, and nobody was getting hurt. Where I came from, much like the concept of having a sexual preference, monogamy was considered rather quaint and unnecessary.
"I know. But this is the early 21st century, remember? And I have to respect Ianto's wishes… and his feelings. You understand that, don't you?"
"Sorry. I'm so sorry…" the Doctor was looking at me with pain in his eyes. "It seemed like… I'd finally come up with an answer, and I thought it would make you happy, but… God, I'm so... naive. And stupid! Why didn't I just… think? Now all I've done is make you feel bad."
"It's not your fault."
"Oh, Jack, of course it is! I should never have come here." He was shaking his head.
"No, no… don't say that. I've loved you being here. Well… before it all went wrong, I mean. And that was my fault. I've loved spending time with you, getting to know you. It's just that… this is so hard. I've fallen for you, and in any other circumstances, I'd be… this wouldn't be a problem. It's kind of… bittersweet, I suppose. Y'know?"
The Doctor was looking at the floor. "I could always just…"
"What?"
He shook his head. "No. That's horrible. Forget I even started to mention it."
I made a good guess. "You could set the TARDIS to dematerialise and then just… jump forward a hundred years?"
He looked shame-faced. "I should never have even let that cross my mind. Sorry." He looked a little sick at the very idea.
Wait for Ianto to die of old age, and then jump in and take his place. That was… quite horrible, yeah.
"This is all pretty fucked up, right?" I smiled wryly.
The Doctor smiled sadly. "Yep." His lips popped the final 'p'.
I sighed heavily. "Can I have a hug, please?" I held my arms out. I'd never had to ask him for a hug before, but God, did I need one.
He stood and we put our arms around each other. I let him hold me for a little while. He stroked my hair. It was almost as though our roles had been reversed.
It felt weird with him wearing a dressing gown. I was used to the slightly rough feel of his brown suit. A strand of his spiky hair tickled my ear. He smelled of soap.
I wanted to cry, but I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
After a while, we let each other go, and then the Doctor did the oddly fussy thing of smoothing down my shirt and straightening my collar as he spoke, in a way that felt almost fatherly.
"Ianto's upstairs waiting for you, I expect," said the Doctor with a tight, brave smile. "Go to him. Tell him you love him. Please," he said firmly, as I opened my mouth to speak. "Tell him you love him, and then… you know. Be with him. Make him happy."
I clenched my teeth and blinked away tears. "Yeah," I said, my voice little more than a whisper. "And you… you try and get some rest, okay? You look really tired." I ran a finger down his cheek.
The Doctor nodded. "I'll go straight to bed," he said.
We parted then, and I turned to walk away. I stopped and turned round, my forehead creased. "You won't leave again, will you?"
He shook his head fervently. "No, I promise."
I smiled. Well, tried to smile. "I'll come and see you tomorrow. Will that be okay?"
The Doctor nodded. "I'd like that, yeah," he said gently.
And then I turned around and left the Doctor behind in the pretty garden, and didn't look back.
***
Ianto was asleep in my bed. I sat down carefully on the edge, where there was barely any room between my knees and opposite wall. It was dark and cool in the enclosed space, and somehow that made me feel a little better.
But there was a hollow pain in my stomach.
I looked at the man sleeping in my bed. The cute way his nose curved at the tip, the soft, dark hair that I love to run my fingers through. His warm lips that feel so good against mine.
Had I done the right thing? Made the right decision? Morally, yes, I think. But was it the right thing for me?
Ianto stirred, as though he must have subconsciously known I was there, because I hadn't moved or made a sound.
"Hi," he murmured, opening one eye to look at me. "Did you two talk?"
"Yeah," I said. I stood up and started to undress.
"Something you can share?" he mumbled, a little drowsily.
I paused. "Yes," I said. "I'll tell you everything. But not now, okay? In the morning."
Ianto frowned at me in the dim light as I took off the rest of my clothes. "Is everything okay?"
I smiled tightly. "It will be." I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the prickle behind my eyelids. Weariness and grief.
I slid into bed, naked, next to my lover. He shuffled as far up against the wall as he could, to give me enough room in the small bed.
"Are you sure?" Ianto was staring at me. He wasn't stupid.
I settled down and took him into my arms. I gazed at him for a moment.
"Yes, sweetheart," I said at last, gently. "It'll all be fine."
Ianto was at my side, raised up on his elbow, looking down at me. I reached up and ran the pad of my thumb across his lips.
"I love you," I said softly. I meant it.
Ianto nodded, still looking a little concerned. Then he bent his head down and kissed me, and I did the rest of what the Doctor had asked me to do.
***
I'd been staring out of the hatch of my bunk all night, looking up through the hole and beyond, into the murky darkness which eventually became the Hub's ceiling, way above me.
I saw Myfanwy fly past a couple of times; I could just about make out something big in her claws, a bird or a rabbit, probably. Fly, kill, eat, sleep. Must be easy, being a… well, maybe not so easy being officially extinct, but still. Pretty simple life, by anyone's measure.
I lay there. Envious of a Pterodactyl. Thinking… remembering.
Once upon a time, I'd spent an unhappy, lonely, immoral life travelling through the stars and through time, alone, conning gullible, rich idiots into giving me money. It was an existence, not a life.
Then I'd landed on a primitive little planet called Earth, ran into a hot chick with anachronistic clothing and futuristic equipment, who introduced me to an intense-looking, amazing man called Mr Spock. Well… actually, called the Doctor.
And my life changed, right there. For the better, in so many ways.
And then, I'd spent over a century alternately worshiping, resenting and longing for this amazing man, and then once I'd made my way on this planet, decided I knew who I was and what purpose I had in life, found a man I'd be happy to spend the next eighty-odd years with… crash, bang, wallop, the Doctor arrived and turned my life, my emotions, and everything I know about myself upside-down and back to front. Again.
I friggin' hated that Time Lord. God, how I loved him.
It was still early. Way before any of the rest of the team arrived at the Hub. Things had been pretty quiet again so far this week so they were taking advantage of being able to sleep in a little.
Ianto had woken some time ago and had just lain there, staring at me, for a good long while. I had kept my eyes closed. Well, one of them was open half a millimetre so I could see Ianto looking at me.
He was waiting for the big reveal, and I didn't know how to tell him. I'd spent all night rehearsing it in my head and I still didn't know what to say.
Eventually I gave up pretending to sleep, because I wasn't fooling anyone.
I got out of bed, invited Ianto to join me for a shower, where I scrubbed his back, kissed his neck, held him far too tightly for a few moments, and then got out and waited for him to finish up, get dressed and make us some coffee.
My stomach was churning throughout.
A few moments later, we sat on the couch in the Hub, my head leaning back against the wall below the 'R' of the big painted Torchwood sign above us.
And I told him. Everything. Well, I guess the whole 'History of the Time Lord Empire' and the subject of the Doctor's past crushes was a little simplified, but the crux of the explanation was the Doctor's lack of sexuality, his desire to bond with me… and his declaration of love.
"He told you he loves you?" said Ianto. He didn't look surprised. Well, he'd already guessed as much.
"Yeah."
"And he wants to… do that bonding thing with you."
"Um… apparently. Yes."
There was a long, silent pause. I swallowed nervously.
"So… what did you tell him?" said Ianto at last, his tone perfectly even.
I stared at Ianto. "Well… I said no. Obviously."
"But you love him."
"Yeah. But I love you. And… well. I told him no. Do I need to say anything else?"
Another long pause. Ianto wasn't looking at me. But at least he didn't look mad, or upset. Or happy either, which was kind of annoying, in a way. I'd just told Ianto that out of the two men I love most in the entire universe, I'd chosen him. Didn't he understand what that meant?
He just stared into the middle distance. I was getting kinda sick of that happening to me when I was trying to get through to people.
At last Ianto spoke. "Did he even remember I exist?"
"Yes! I mean... well, yes. Of course. He just assumed... well, where I come from, in the far future, monogamy isn't necessarily as socially... expected as it is now, I suppose."
"Obviously not, if he was willing to be… whatever-ed with you and this River person at the same time. I mean, no matter how far in the future they end up together, you'll still be around, right?"
I'd never thought of that. I wasn't sure the Doctor had, either.
"Ianto," I said carefully. "You mean everything to me. And you expect me to be faithful to you, and if it's a case of that, or losing you then... well, I can't lose you. So... I'm going to stay with you. Of course I am. Like I did before, remember? When I came back. Twice? For you?"
Another silence. Ianto looked down at his lap.
"Ianto… say something." I was getting anxious now.
He looked at me. His eyes were shining with tears.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Sorry?"
"I mean… that must have been so hard for you. To have to choose, I mean. And… wow."
"Wow?" I smiled.
"Yeah…" he gave that weird kind of gasp you make through your tears, when you don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He stared at me for a good long while. Then he stood up, and started picking up our empty coffee mugs.
I frowned. "Ianto… are you okay?"
He looked at me, smiled tightly. "Yes, of course… I... I'm fine. Just need to…" he trailed off, blinked a few times, looked at me directly for a moment, tightened his grip on the coffee cups, and walked back towards his little kitchen area.
I sat there, watching him walk away from me, not knowing what to think or say.
And before I could go up to him and find out what the hell was going on, there was the clunk-clunk-clunk of the main Hub door slowly rolling open, and Gwen and Martha walked in, giggling about something girly.
I sighed and stood up, adopting the 'professional and heroic' pose, ready for another day at Torchwood.
Whatever was up with Ianto, it would have to wait.
For now, I had the Earth to protect. And then later… well, I'd promised to go and visit the Doctor.
And for the first time since I could remember, it wasn't a date I was looking forward to.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight
I think I might break a few hearts with this chapter. Fingers crossed for a happy ending, eh? ;-)
Title: Belonging - Chapter Thirteen
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Characters Jack, Ten, Jack/Ianto
Rating: This Chapter - R for bad language and non-explicit adult situations (Series is rated NC-17 overall)
Spoilers: The Empty Child, Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, The Stolen Earth, Journey's End
Disclaimer: The BBC own it all, the little tinkers
Warnings: angst | hurt/comfort
Description:
Set immediately after the events of The Stolen Earth/Journey's End.
The Torchwood team members are struggling to get back to normal after recent shattering events, when the Doctor turns up in the Torchwood Hub in the middle of the night; alone, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, and needing somewhere to belong.
"You look at me the way Martha used to, when she thought I wasn't watching."
Chapter Thirteen
I stared at him. "Oh, God…" I muttered.
The smile slid off the Doctor's face.
This was something I'd always wanted. I should have been grinning like a loon, shouldn't I? I should have been jumping around and punching the air. I should have taken him into my arms and told him that the feeling was entirely mutual. But I couldn't. I just stood there, staring at him. Like the idiot I am.
There was a pause. A horribly long one.
"Say something…" said the Doctor at last, in a small voice.
"You said you love me," I said, unnecessarily.
"Well… yes." There was a short pause. "I really do," he added hastily, as though he was now wondering whether it was just a case of me not believing him.
"And I… could never say it before. Not really. But… this time, I could. I can say anything to you. That proves it. That you're the one. It feels right. Doesn't it feel right to you?" He sounded a little desperate.
I stood up and started wandering around the garden, feeling a little dazed.
The Doctor folded his arms awkwardly. "You don't want me," he said brokenly.
I closed my eyes. Didn't he understand how hard this was for me? I did want him. Of course I did. This was… far more than I'd ever dreamed of. That wasn't in doubt. But I couldn’t do it to Ianto. I just… couldn't. No matter how tempted I was.
"It's because of what I did, isn't it?" The Doctor sounded dejected. He trudged back over to the stone bench and sat down. "Looking at your secret files. Watching you on the security camera. It made you angry, and you can't forgive me."
"No, of course not." I sat back down next to him, and put my hand on his knee. I squeezed it through the towelling.
"So… you don't like me? Like… that, I mean?" He looked confused. "I thought you did. You look at me… well, like Rose did. You look at me the way Martha used to, when she thought I wasn't watching. But maybe I got it wrong. Is that why you didn't like it when I tried to kiss you? Or was I just really rubbish at it?"
I chuckled a little. I couldn't help it. "The kiss was fine, Doctor. It was just a bit… unexpected."
"It's not like I've had as much practice as you have…" he muttered.
"That's really not the problem." I sighed.
"But… I thought…" he looked so crestfallen. "Is it because I wouldn't know what to do in bed? Because… well, I know all about it. I mean... well, it's been a really, really long time, and I can't remember much about it, true enough. But… I know how it works. I know all the theory. It's just the practise really, but I'm a fast learner. That's why I was trying to find out… by watching you and Ianto."
He was prattling on and on, in that slightly frantic way of his, and I just let him ramble.
"It wasn't that I was getting… anything else out of it. I mean… that didn't even occur to me. Well, it wouldn't, would it? I just wanted to learn what you like, so that I could make you happy… because if we… I wouldn't want to disappoint you. And I know that was wrong of me now, but I didn't…" he trailed off.
I was staring at him sadly.
Clunk. The penny dropped.
"Ianto," he said flatly.
"Yeah."
"Ah." He blew out his cheeks and breathed out slowly.
"Exactly."
"You're monogamous."
"I am capable of it, you know! And I made a commitment to him. Sort of. It's not cast iron, I mean we're not married or anything, but… I love him. And I can't do this to him, Doctor. It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I'm not tempted…"
"I see."
"I do want you. Christ, I… do. I've wanted you from the moment I met you, Doctor. And yeah, I admit, for most of the time I've known you it's been mostly… lustful. Infatuation, I suppose."
He nodded, looking away.
"But then, since you came here, and we spent all that time together, talking, getting to know each other… my feelings for you have changed."
"Changed?"
"I mean… they got stronger. I…" It wasn't right that I was about to say this, given that I was so shit at saying to Ianto, but the Doctor wasn't good at reading between the lines, especially in his current state.
I took a deep, shuddering breath. "I love you too. Okay? And this is fucking killing me!"
I stood up and started pacing around again, frustrated.
The Doctor looked pained. "I… should have thought. It never really occurred to me. I mean… you're from the 51st century."
He didn't need to elaborate. I'd been in multiple relationships before; in the far future it wasn’t really that much of a big deal, so long as everybody involved knew about the others, and nobody was getting hurt. Where I came from, much like the concept of having a sexual preference, monogamy was considered rather quaint and unnecessary.
"I know. But this is the early 21st century, remember? And I have to respect Ianto's wishes… and his feelings. You understand that, don't you?"
"Sorry. I'm so sorry…" the Doctor was looking at me with pain in his eyes. "It seemed like… I'd finally come up with an answer, and I thought it would make you happy, but… God, I'm so... naive. And stupid! Why didn't I just… think? Now all I've done is make you feel bad."
"It's not your fault."
"Oh, Jack, of course it is! I should never have come here." He was shaking his head.
"No, no… don't say that. I've loved you being here. Well… before it all went wrong, I mean. And that was my fault. I've loved spending time with you, getting to know you. It's just that… this is so hard. I've fallen for you, and in any other circumstances, I'd be… this wouldn't be a problem. It's kind of… bittersweet, I suppose. Y'know?"
The Doctor was looking at the floor. "I could always just…"
"What?"
He shook his head. "No. That's horrible. Forget I even started to mention it."
I made a good guess. "You could set the TARDIS to dematerialise and then just… jump forward a hundred years?"
He looked shame-faced. "I should never have even let that cross my mind. Sorry." He looked a little sick at the very idea.
Wait for Ianto to die of old age, and then jump in and take his place. That was… quite horrible, yeah.
"This is all pretty fucked up, right?" I smiled wryly.
The Doctor smiled sadly. "Yep." His lips popped the final 'p'.
I sighed heavily. "Can I have a hug, please?" I held my arms out. I'd never had to ask him for a hug before, but God, did I need one.
He stood and we put our arms around each other. I let him hold me for a little while. He stroked my hair. It was almost as though our roles had been reversed.
It felt weird with him wearing a dressing gown. I was used to the slightly rough feel of his brown suit. A strand of his spiky hair tickled my ear. He smelled of soap.
I wanted to cry, but I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
After a while, we let each other go, and then the Doctor did the oddly fussy thing of smoothing down my shirt and straightening my collar as he spoke, in a way that felt almost fatherly.
"Ianto's upstairs waiting for you, I expect," said the Doctor with a tight, brave smile. "Go to him. Tell him you love him. Please," he said firmly, as I opened my mouth to speak. "Tell him you love him, and then… you know. Be with him. Make him happy."
I clenched my teeth and blinked away tears. "Yeah," I said, my voice little more than a whisper. "And you… you try and get some rest, okay? You look really tired." I ran a finger down his cheek.
The Doctor nodded. "I'll go straight to bed," he said.
We parted then, and I turned to walk away. I stopped and turned round, my forehead creased. "You won't leave again, will you?"
He shook his head fervently. "No, I promise."
I smiled. Well, tried to smile. "I'll come and see you tomorrow. Will that be okay?"
The Doctor nodded. "I'd like that, yeah," he said gently.
And then I turned around and left the Doctor behind in the pretty garden, and didn't look back.
***
Ianto was asleep in my bed. I sat down carefully on the edge, where there was barely any room between my knees and opposite wall. It was dark and cool in the enclosed space, and somehow that made me feel a little better.
But there was a hollow pain in my stomach.
I looked at the man sleeping in my bed. The cute way his nose curved at the tip, the soft, dark hair that I love to run my fingers through. His warm lips that feel so good against mine.
Had I done the right thing? Made the right decision? Morally, yes, I think. But was it the right thing for me?
Ianto stirred, as though he must have subconsciously known I was there, because I hadn't moved or made a sound.
"Hi," he murmured, opening one eye to look at me. "Did you two talk?"
"Yeah," I said. I stood up and started to undress.
"Something you can share?" he mumbled, a little drowsily.
I paused. "Yes," I said. "I'll tell you everything. But not now, okay? In the morning."
Ianto frowned at me in the dim light as I took off the rest of my clothes. "Is everything okay?"
I smiled tightly. "It will be." I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling the prickle behind my eyelids. Weariness and grief.
I slid into bed, naked, next to my lover. He shuffled as far up against the wall as he could, to give me enough room in the small bed.
"Are you sure?" Ianto was staring at me. He wasn't stupid.
I settled down and took him into my arms. I gazed at him for a moment.
"Yes, sweetheart," I said at last, gently. "It'll all be fine."
Ianto was at my side, raised up on his elbow, looking down at me. I reached up and ran the pad of my thumb across his lips.
"I love you," I said softly. I meant it.
Ianto nodded, still looking a little concerned. Then he bent his head down and kissed me, and I did the rest of what the Doctor had asked me to do.
***
I'd been staring out of the hatch of my bunk all night, looking up through the hole and beyond, into the murky darkness which eventually became the Hub's ceiling, way above me.
I saw Myfanwy fly past a couple of times; I could just about make out something big in her claws, a bird or a rabbit, probably. Fly, kill, eat, sleep. Must be easy, being a… well, maybe not so easy being officially extinct, but still. Pretty simple life, by anyone's measure.
I lay there. Envious of a Pterodactyl. Thinking… remembering.
Once upon a time, I'd spent an unhappy, lonely, immoral life travelling through the stars and through time, alone, conning gullible, rich idiots into giving me money. It was an existence, not a life.
Then I'd landed on a primitive little planet called Earth, ran into a hot chick with anachronistic clothing and futuristic equipment, who introduced me to an intense-looking, amazing man called Mr Spock. Well… actually, called the Doctor.
And my life changed, right there. For the better, in so many ways.
And then, I'd spent over a century alternately worshiping, resenting and longing for this amazing man, and then once I'd made my way on this planet, decided I knew who I was and what purpose I had in life, found a man I'd be happy to spend the next eighty-odd years with… crash, bang, wallop, the Doctor arrived and turned my life, my emotions, and everything I know about myself upside-down and back to front. Again.
I friggin' hated that Time Lord. God, how I loved him.
It was still early. Way before any of the rest of the team arrived at the Hub. Things had been pretty quiet again so far this week so they were taking advantage of being able to sleep in a little.
Ianto had woken some time ago and had just lain there, staring at me, for a good long while. I had kept my eyes closed. Well, one of them was open half a millimetre so I could see Ianto looking at me.
He was waiting for the big reveal, and I didn't know how to tell him. I'd spent all night rehearsing it in my head and I still didn't know what to say.
Eventually I gave up pretending to sleep, because I wasn't fooling anyone.
I got out of bed, invited Ianto to join me for a shower, where I scrubbed his back, kissed his neck, held him far too tightly for a few moments, and then got out and waited for him to finish up, get dressed and make us some coffee.
My stomach was churning throughout.
A few moments later, we sat on the couch in the Hub, my head leaning back against the wall below the 'R' of the big painted Torchwood sign above us.
And I told him. Everything. Well, I guess the whole 'History of the Time Lord Empire' and the subject of the Doctor's past crushes was a little simplified, but the crux of the explanation was the Doctor's lack of sexuality, his desire to bond with me… and his declaration of love.
"He told you he loves you?" said Ianto. He didn't look surprised. Well, he'd already guessed as much.
"Yeah."
"And he wants to… do that bonding thing with you."
"Um… apparently. Yes."
There was a long, silent pause. I swallowed nervously.
"So… what did you tell him?" said Ianto at last, his tone perfectly even.
I stared at Ianto. "Well… I said no. Obviously."
"But you love him."
"Yeah. But I love you. And… well. I told him no. Do I need to say anything else?"
Another long pause. Ianto wasn't looking at me. But at least he didn't look mad, or upset. Or happy either, which was kind of annoying, in a way. I'd just told Ianto that out of the two men I love most in the entire universe, I'd chosen him. Didn't he understand what that meant?
He just stared into the middle distance. I was getting kinda sick of that happening to me when I was trying to get through to people.
At last Ianto spoke. "Did he even remember I exist?"
"Yes! I mean... well, yes. Of course. He just assumed... well, where I come from, in the far future, monogamy isn't necessarily as socially... expected as it is now, I suppose."
"Obviously not, if he was willing to be… whatever-ed with you and this River person at the same time. I mean, no matter how far in the future they end up together, you'll still be around, right?"
I'd never thought of that. I wasn't sure the Doctor had, either.
"Ianto," I said carefully. "You mean everything to me. And you expect me to be faithful to you, and if it's a case of that, or losing you then... well, I can't lose you. So... I'm going to stay with you. Of course I am. Like I did before, remember? When I came back. Twice? For you?"
Another silence. Ianto looked down at his lap.
"Ianto… say something." I was getting anxious now.
He looked at me. His eyes were shining with tears.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Sorry?"
"I mean… that must have been so hard for you. To have to choose, I mean. And… wow."
"Wow?" I smiled.
"Yeah…" he gave that weird kind of gasp you make through your tears, when you don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He stared at me for a good long while. Then he stood up, and started picking up our empty coffee mugs.
I frowned. "Ianto… are you okay?"
He looked at me, smiled tightly. "Yes, of course… I... I'm fine. Just need to…" he trailed off, blinked a few times, looked at me directly for a moment, tightened his grip on the coffee cups, and walked back towards his little kitchen area.
I sat there, watching him walk away from me, not knowing what to think or say.
And before I could go up to him and find out what the hell was going on, there was the clunk-clunk-clunk of the main Hub door slowly rolling open, and Gwen and Martha walked in, giggling about something girly.
I sighed and stood up, adopting the 'professional and heroic' pose, ready for another day at Torchwood.
Whatever was up with Ianto, it would have to wait.
For now, I had the Earth to protect. And then later… well, I'd promised to go and visit the Doctor.
And for the first time since I could remember, it wasn't a date I was looking forward to.
To be continued
<< Chapter One
<< Chapter Two
<< Chapter Three
<< Chapter Four
<< Chapter Five
<< Chapter Six
<< Chapter Seven
<< Chapter Eight
<< Chapter Nine
<< Chapter Ten
<< Chapter Eleven
<< Chapter Twelve
>> Chapter Fourteen
>> Chapter Fifteen
>> Chapter Sixteen
>> Chapter Seventeen
>> Chapter Eighteen
>> Chapter Nineteen
>> Chapter Twenty
>> Chapter Twenty One
>> Chapter Twenty Two
>> Chapter Twenty Three
>> Chapter Twenty Four
>> Chapter Twenty Five
>> Chapter Twenty Six
>> Chapter Twenty Seven
>> Chapter Twenty Eight