Even ghosts get tired and go home (11/?)
Chapter 11: Like I had you before
[ 1]-[ 2]-[ 3]-[ 4]-[ 5]- [6]-[ 7]-[ 8]-[ 9]-[ 10]-[ 11] - [12]- [13]
Yet again Sungmin woke up together with Donghae, entangled and with Donghae's arms still tight around Sungmin's body, his mouth nuzzled into Sungmin's hair. Sungmin knew he should try to get out of bed but he didn't want to, he didn't want to leave Donghae's comforting embrace. He didn't want to leave the feeling of being safe. Eventually Donghae started shifting a lot in his position, presumably waking up and of course was Sungmin right. It didn't take long before Donghae let go, recoiling away from Sungmin who just pretended to still be asleep, fighting to keep his eyes shut, fighting to keep the tears away. Donghae probably didn't even remember what had happened last night, not the kissing, not the things he said, nothing.
"Sungmin," he said softly, gently shaking Sungmin's shoulder and leaning a bit over him. Sungmin waited a while before reacting, trying his hardest to actually seem like he was sleeping, after Donghae had shook his shoulder a couple of times he turned around, blinking slowly and faking a yawn.
"I just... I want to apologize about yesterday, I don't remember much but... I know I was really drunk so I'm sorry," he rushed out the words and scratched the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact with the blond boy next to him.
"It's fine," Sungmin answered shortly, pressing forth a small smile. Of course he didn't remember anything, why would he, it's not like kissing Sungmin was anything special. A skinny depressed self-centered idiot, what was even remotely likable about Sungmin?
What Sungmin didn't know was that Donghae hadn't forgotten, Donghae remembered exactly everything from the night before, he remembered every last word he told Sungmin, he remembered the kisses, he remembered the feeling of Sungmin's lips on his, the way Sungmin tasted. But he wasn't gay, he couldn't be. Because that would mean Donghae was wrong.
Sungmin was fighting internally, he wanted to mention the kisses, he wanted to remind Donghae because he just wanted a straight answer, and he wanted to know if it was just the alcohol or if there actually was something more there. Maybe Donghae was in love with him too but too scared to tell Sungmin, maybe.
"Donghae, we... We kissed last night and you told me you liked me... A lot," he shut his eyes and turned his head away, frightened of what Donghae's answer might be, frightened and nervous even though he knew that Donghae would just confirm his fears. That he would tell him it was all a lie. All make believe and pretend.
"Oh... I'm sorry I..." He started but Sungmin knew what he was going to say, he didn't need to hear it. His misgivings weren't wrong; Donghae wasn't in love with him.
"It's fine, I won't lie though... I like you, more than just as a friend, but I won't try or expect anything," Sungmin interrupted, he was surprised at how calm he managed to keep his voice when his insides were twisting and turning. Every little part of him was bleeding, Donghae didn't love him. How could he even think that he would? Did he really expect Donghae to have the same feelings for Sungmin that he had for Donghae? Was he really that naive and stupid?
Donghae didn't say anything, he just nodded and got out of the bed, scratching his head and throwing a glance over his shoulder at Sungmin who now had his back against Donghae, his lips quivering as he tried to keep from crying. He couldn't let Donghae know just how hurt he was.
"I think I should leave," Donghae said and Sungmin nodded. He really should, he should leave so Sungmin could cry in his solitude, hurt himself some more, punish himself for even having his hopes up too high. Sungmin should have learned his lesson a long time ago. Never expect. It was his curse.
Completely still Sungmin stayed in the bed as he listened to Donghae scamper around his room, getting dressed and picking his things up, slowly, why was he so slow? Why couldn't he just go and leave Sungmin alone. He just wanted to be alone and not near Donghae, he never wanted to be near Donghae again. Why did he allow himself to fall so needlessly in love with Donghae? Why? Finally Donghae made his way to the door, ready to leave.
"I'm sorry," Donghae said, looking at Sungmin before exiting the apartment. 'Me too' Sungmin answered quietly, not that Donghae had heard it, it wasn't for Donghae to hear anyways. He listened as the outer door shut and then he let it out, he started crying violently and picked a pillow up, throwing it in the direction of the door and screamed. Sungmin hated himself for this; it was as if he wanted to get hurt and feel bad, as if he wanted to get his heart broken over and over again.
He wouldn't get out of bed, too scared that his legs would collapse under him. The night before had actually ignited a spark in him that maybe, just maybe Donghae could be in love with him. But alas, as always, no one ever loved Sungmin. Ever. Slowly he picked up his phone and went through the contacts, stopping at Kyuhyun's name and staring at the screen a long time before pressing 'call'. He actually hadn't called Kyuhyun in over a month and it gnawed on him, he felt so incredibly bad and guilty for it. He listened to the dialing tone until he reached voice mail, listened to Kyuhyun's voice, crying even more.
"Kyuhyun-ah, I'm an idiot, a big fucking thick headed idiot. God damn it, I'm such a loser and a fucking idiot," he rambled, the sobs interrupting his words occasionally and he turned to his back, staring into the ceiling as he kept talking to Kyuhyun, kept shaming himself, hating himself, blaming himself. Sungmin kept on talking poorly about himself for more than an hour, the tears never stopping, the hurt always biting.
--
When Donghae walked his way home he went through it all again, he couldn't be gay, it wasn't possible, he couldn't be. He shook his head and stuck his hands into his pockets, his eyes focused straight ahead as he was walking mindlessly, completely lost in his own thoughts.
Maybe he was being stupid, ridiculous even, maybe he should give it a shot, maybe he'd enjoy it? He did enjoy kissing Sungmin, he enjoyed that a lot. Reminiscing it caused Donghae to smile a little and lift his hand to touch his own lips, they were dry and chapped, but Sungmin's lips hadn't been dry. They had been perfectly soft and nice, and Sungmin's breath was always nice, always a slight tone of mint, Sungmin tasted perfectly.
But he shook his head and shoved his hand right back into his pocket, chewing on his lips and furrowing his brows together into a quizzical frown. It's not like his friends would mind if he was gay, Heechul and Hyukjae had never been secretive about their relationship, not ever, and no one had bothered with that. How would his mom react? How would his brother react? Donghwa would probably tease him a little bit at first, but eventually get over it, probably. His mother, his mother wouldn't care. She never cared about Hyukjae; at first she seemed surprised that it wasn't Donghae who was his boyfriend but Heechul. So why did he worry so much? Why was Donghae so afraid to admit his feelings for Sungmin? Honestly he didn't even know himself.
It was chilly outside, October October, cold and dark October. Cold and dark Donghae. That was who he was, selfish and stupid and inconsiderate and a straight up twat. He didn't deserve Sungmin's care and compassion, de didn't deserve Sungmin. All Donghae deserved was a large pile of shit. Maybe a slap to go with it.
He kept tossing it back and forth until he got home, should he apologize and tell Sungmin the truth? Or would it be better to just keep on going down this road. It was splitting his skull and Donghae whined a little as he slumped into his couch, still completely uncertain on what would be the greatest follow up move to his previous actions. What to do? What to say? What was going to happen in school? Were things going to be normal or would they be really weird and awkward? How was Sungmin going to treat Donghae? How was Donghae supposed to treat Sungmin? Questions kept piling up in Donghae’s brain and he just didn’t know the answers.
Donghae kept thinking and reflecting on what to do, how could he do the best damage control, what things he could say to make it a little better. He still felt like shit and he knew he had to fix things somehow. Somehow.
--
It had gone several hours and Sungmin hadn’t moved an inch, still in his bed, still softly sobbing as he clasped his phone, having left numerous messages for Kyuhyun. He had even contemplated calling Yesung but didn’t, he didn’t want Yesung to know how fucked everything had gotten. Sungmin wanted Yesung to think everything was fine, that he managed alright without Yesung. Suddenly his phone buzzed and Sungmin flinched a bit, with swollen eyes he looked at the screen, sniffling quietly. It was from Donghae.
“I’m sorry for sounding so rude this morning… The honest thing is I might like you, I think I do? And I guess I’m scared because I’ve never liked a guy before… I’m sorry Sungmin”
Fuck you, Donghae. With a fiery force Sungmin launched his phone across the room, right into the wall while screaming loudly. Who the fuck did he think he was? Toying with Sungmin’s emotions just like that, as if his heart meant nothing. Constantly Donghae gave him hopes, shattered them and then made promises about new ones. It was tiring and annoying. Yet he still felt slight warmth in his chest at Donghae’s words, but it wasn’t enough. Not anymore. Sungmin had had it. He was done with Donghae. Finished.
PREVIOUS - NEXT
A/N: Today we got a new modem for our internet yaaaaay!!!! So I'll probably be better with updating now! :D
Please leave a comment on what you think! lots of love xox
[ 1]-[ 2]-[ 3]-[ 4]-[ 5]- [6]-[ 7]-[ 8]-[ 9]-[ 10]-[ 11] - [12]- [13]
Yet again Sungmin woke up together with Donghae, entangled and with Donghae's arms still tight around Sungmin's body, his mouth nuzzled into Sungmin's hair. Sungmin knew he should try to get out of bed but he didn't want to, he didn't want to leave Donghae's comforting embrace. He didn't want to leave the feeling of being safe. Eventually Donghae started shifting a lot in his position, presumably waking up and of course was Sungmin right. It didn't take long before Donghae let go, recoiling away from Sungmin who just pretended to still be asleep, fighting to keep his eyes shut, fighting to keep the tears away. Donghae probably didn't even remember what had happened last night, not the kissing, not the things he said, nothing.
"Sungmin," he said softly, gently shaking Sungmin's shoulder and leaning a bit over him. Sungmin waited a while before reacting, trying his hardest to actually seem like he was sleeping, after Donghae had shook his shoulder a couple of times he turned around, blinking slowly and faking a yawn.
"I just... I want to apologize about yesterday, I don't remember much but... I know I was really drunk so I'm sorry," he rushed out the words and scratched the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact with the blond boy next to him.
"It's fine," Sungmin answered shortly, pressing forth a small smile. Of course he didn't remember anything, why would he, it's not like kissing Sungmin was anything special. A skinny depressed self-centered idiot, what was even remotely likable about Sungmin?
What Sungmin didn't know was that Donghae hadn't forgotten, Donghae remembered exactly everything from the night before, he remembered every last word he told Sungmin, he remembered the kisses, he remembered the feeling of Sungmin's lips on his, the way Sungmin tasted. But he wasn't gay, he couldn't be. Because that would mean Donghae was wrong.
Sungmin was fighting internally, he wanted to mention the kisses, he wanted to remind Donghae because he just wanted a straight answer, and he wanted to know if it was just the alcohol or if there actually was something more there. Maybe Donghae was in love with him too but too scared to tell Sungmin, maybe.
"Donghae, we... We kissed last night and you told me you liked me... A lot," he shut his eyes and turned his head away, frightened of what Donghae's answer might be, frightened and nervous even though he knew that Donghae would just confirm his fears. That he would tell him it was all a lie. All make believe and pretend.
"Oh... I'm sorry I..." He started but Sungmin knew what he was going to say, he didn't need to hear it. His misgivings weren't wrong; Donghae wasn't in love with him.
"It's fine, I won't lie though... I like you, more than just as a friend, but I won't try or expect anything," Sungmin interrupted, he was surprised at how calm he managed to keep his voice when his insides were twisting and turning. Every little part of him was bleeding, Donghae didn't love him. How could he even think that he would? Did he really expect Donghae to have the same feelings for Sungmin that he had for Donghae? Was he really that naive and stupid?
Donghae didn't say anything, he just nodded and got out of the bed, scratching his head and throwing a glance over his shoulder at Sungmin who now had his back against Donghae, his lips quivering as he tried to keep from crying. He couldn't let Donghae know just how hurt he was.
"I think I should leave," Donghae said and Sungmin nodded. He really should, he should leave so Sungmin could cry in his solitude, hurt himself some more, punish himself for even having his hopes up too high. Sungmin should have learned his lesson a long time ago. Never expect. It was his curse.
Completely still Sungmin stayed in the bed as he listened to Donghae scamper around his room, getting dressed and picking his things up, slowly, why was he so slow? Why couldn't he just go and leave Sungmin alone. He just wanted to be alone and not near Donghae, he never wanted to be near Donghae again. Why did he allow himself to fall so needlessly in love with Donghae? Why? Finally Donghae made his way to the door, ready to leave.
"I'm sorry," Donghae said, looking at Sungmin before exiting the apartment. 'Me too' Sungmin answered quietly, not that Donghae had heard it, it wasn't for Donghae to hear anyways. He listened as the outer door shut and then he let it out, he started crying violently and picked a pillow up, throwing it in the direction of the door and screamed. Sungmin hated himself for this; it was as if he wanted to get hurt and feel bad, as if he wanted to get his heart broken over and over again.
He wouldn't get out of bed, too scared that his legs would collapse under him. The night before had actually ignited a spark in him that maybe, just maybe Donghae could be in love with him. But alas, as always, no one ever loved Sungmin. Ever. Slowly he picked up his phone and went through the contacts, stopping at Kyuhyun's name and staring at the screen a long time before pressing 'call'. He actually hadn't called Kyuhyun in over a month and it gnawed on him, he felt so incredibly bad and guilty for it. He listened to the dialing tone until he reached voice mail, listened to Kyuhyun's voice, crying even more.
"Kyuhyun-ah, I'm an idiot, a big fucking thick headed idiot. God damn it, I'm such a loser and a fucking idiot," he rambled, the sobs interrupting his words occasionally and he turned to his back, staring into the ceiling as he kept talking to Kyuhyun, kept shaming himself, hating himself, blaming himself. Sungmin kept on talking poorly about himself for more than an hour, the tears never stopping, the hurt always biting.
--
When Donghae walked his way home he went through it all again, he couldn't be gay, it wasn't possible, he couldn't be. He shook his head and stuck his hands into his pockets, his eyes focused straight ahead as he was walking mindlessly, completely lost in his own thoughts.
Maybe he was being stupid, ridiculous even, maybe he should give it a shot, maybe he'd enjoy it? He did enjoy kissing Sungmin, he enjoyed that a lot. Reminiscing it caused Donghae to smile a little and lift his hand to touch his own lips, they were dry and chapped, but Sungmin's lips hadn't been dry. They had been perfectly soft and nice, and Sungmin's breath was always nice, always a slight tone of mint, Sungmin tasted perfectly.
But he shook his head and shoved his hand right back into his pocket, chewing on his lips and furrowing his brows together into a quizzical frown. It's not like his friends would mind if he was gay, Heechul and Hyukjae had never been secretive about their relationship, not ever, and no one had bothered with that. How would his mom react? How would his brother react? Donghwa would probably tease him a little bit at first, but eventually get over it, probably. His mother, his mother wouldn't care. She never cared about Hyukjae; at first she seemed surprised that it wasn't Donghae who was his boyfriend but Heechul. So why did he worry so much? Why was Donghae so afraid to admit his feelings for Sungmin? Honestly he didn't even know himself.
It was chilly outside, October October, cold and dark October. Cold and dark Donghae. That was who he was, selfish and stupid and inconsiderate and a straight up twat. He didn't deserve Sungmin's care and compassion, de didn't deserve Sungmin. All Donghae deserved was a large pile of shit. Maybe a slap to go with it.
He kept tossing it back and forth until he got home, should he apologize and tell Sungmin the truth? Or would it be better to just keep on going down this road. It was splitting his skull and Donghae whined a little as he slumped into his couch, still completely uncertain on what would be the greatest follow up move to his previous actions. What to do? What to say? What was going to happen in school? Were things going to be normal or would they be really weird and awkward? How was Sungmin going to treat Donghae? How was Donghae supposed to treat Sungmin? Questions kept piling up in Donghae’s brain and he just didn’t know the answers.
Donghae kept thinking and reflecting on what to do, how could he do the best damage control, what things he could say to make it a little better. He still felt like shit and he knew he had to fix things somehow. Somehow.
--
It had gone several hours and Sungmin hadn’t moved an inch, still in his bed, still softly sobbing as he clasped his phone, having left numerous messages for Kyuhyun. He had even contemplated calling Yesung but didn’t, he didn’t want Yesung to know how fucked everything had gotten. Sungmin wanted Yesung to think everything was fine, that he managed alright without Yesung. Suddenly his phone buzzed and Sungmin flinched a bit, with swollen eyes he looked at the screen, sniffling quietly. It was from Donghae.
“I’m sorry for sounding so rude this morning… The honest thing is I might like you, I think I do? And I guess I’m scared because I’ve never liked a guy before… I’m sorry Sungmin”
Fuck you, Donghae. With a fiery force Sungmin launched his phone across the room, right into the wall while screaming loudly. Who the fuck did he think he was? Toying with Sungmin’s emotions just like that, as if his heart meant nothing. Constantly Donghae gave him hopes, shattered them and then made promises about new ones. It was tiring and annoying. Yet he still felt slight warmth in his chest at Donghae’s words, but it wasn’t enough. Not anymore. Sungmin had had it. He was done with Donghae. Finished.
PREVIOUS - NEXT
A/N: Today we got a new modem for our internet yaaaaay!!!! So I'll probably be better with updating now! :D
Please leave a comment on what you think! lots of love xox